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THE CAMERA THAT KILLS BAD PEOPLE
English titles by SONYA FRIEDMAN
Here's our comedy, my friends, and here's the prologue.
What do we need? A clear day and a calm sea.
and white clouds in the sky.
Now, a cardboard mountain... deserted.
It's sad, until we cover it with houses.
And here's City Hall, with its fountain.
And here are old grand houses of the rich.
Now that we've set the scene, here are the characters.
All thieves, schemers, concerted swindlers...
...lazy, malicious and silly.
Servile or insolent, complaining and never content...
In the end, nice or not, they resemble each other a lot!
Now let the comedy start.
Listen and laugh with all your heart.
Where's this ''gold mine''?
This is it. This is the place.
This is the exact place where I... excuse me darling,
This is where Joe and I landed...
...with thousands of Americans to fight against the Germans.
Remember how nervous you were, Corporal?
How about you, Sergeant? I had to shove you ashore!
So where's the gold mine?
There it is!
You're crazy! That pile of stone?
Yes, that pile of stone.
Listen, 50,000 Americans landed on this coast.
And another 50,000 claim they did! Now add their wives...
Add their mothers, and their fathers, and their sweethearts.
And you've got 2 million tourists!
- 2 million customers. - For what?
Customers for our hotel! Listen. Here's the plan.
We'll buy the castle and tear it down.
Then we'll build a hotel with a pool, terrace, cafes.
And a big lookout tower.
But can you get permission?
You only need permission.
???
The Mayor's my friend. I only need permits from the government...
...the Art Commission, Minister of the Interior, and the Archbishop.
- Anyone else? - ???
Why so many permits?
Because of the cemetery.
- What cemetery, Bill? - You see darling...
There's not much land around here.
First the dead are brought there,
then the ashes are transferred to the castle.
What? You're right criminals, the pair of you!
You'd build a hotel right over their bodies?
No, don't be silly.
No, we'll take care of the bodies. Joe's explained it all
We'll have them all moved.
Moved where? Into the sea?
I found a nice quiet place for them.
LONG LIVE SAINT ANDREA!
Saint Andrea's the patron saint here. And today's his feast day.
I hope the Mayor remembers me. It's been so many years.
Of course.
Let's wind up our business. He'll be in a good mood on the holiday.
He supplied the band, the lights, everything. A good deal!
You two are criminals!
Look under the car.
He disappeared!
...
Nothing, no. I give up.
He was a ghost from the grave!
Come on, let's go. Hurry.
This is crazy territory!
Celestino, hurry! The Saint's coming!
Bring your camera! They're carrying Saint Andrea!
It's a great day. Even the Bishop came, to bless the boats.
Donna Amalia, the rich Americans are here!
Let them pay off some of their relatives' debts here.
The whole town owes me money. And nobody pays.
I'll send them all to jail, including the Mayor!
Look at Donna Amalia, that money-lending witch!
And the Mayor's aide, he owes me money, too.
Papa, some Americans arrived today.
- Where? - There they are.
They're at Joe Falletta's.
Go on, pray to Saint Andrea. You'll all go to hell anyway.
You pigs!
Move away from there!
What' d'you want at this time of night?
Are you Celestino Esposito?
Yes, why?
I'd like to stay here tonight. The inns are all full.
Where will I put you?
Just give me a chair for the night. I'll leave in the morning.
I wish I could give you more comfortable quarters.
If you're busy, don't bother with me.
Hear those fireworks?
They spent 200,000 lire, but they didn't wake up the Saint.
Saints don't sleep.
Well, Saint Andrea has completely forgotten us.
The lemon are rotting, and nobody's picking them.
No one wants to buy our fish.
And the rich only think of themselves.
If things go on like this, we'll all starve.
I'll be the first to die of hunger.
We need a miracle from Saint Andrea.
Miracles are for the deserving.
When men are wicked, the Saints are stingy.
True, some are wicked, but there are good too.
The virtuous should act. But they do nothing.
What can they do?
The virtuous must act!
If not evil will reign.
The day of judgement, will punish them all
- What can they do? - The good must kill the evil.
Are you crazy? At this hour?
Hurry up! You'll ruin me one of these days.
Don't worry.
Quiet, you'll wake everybody up.
- Smoke? - No thanks. Who's that young man?
That's Romeo Cuccurullo, the son of one of our richest citizens.
His father owns the fish store.
He has 10 trucks, and an ice factory, too.
His son loves Juliet Del Bello.
But their two families don't get along.
So they meet secretly. And I try to help them out.
To get cigarettes!
No, just out of sympathy.
Remember, one must honor his father and his mother.
Look, I have photos here of two generations.
My father was a photographer, too.
Interesting.
Tell me...
Why did that guard make you leave during the parade?
That rotten Agostino! He wears a uniform, so he acts the dictator.
He hates me because we once fought over a woman.
He bullies me, and everybody in town.
We'll fix this Agostino. Do you have a photo of him?
Sure. In uniform.
That's Agostino, with the raised arm.
Pay attention to what I say.
Take a picture of this photograph.
Oh, this town really needed me.
It's Saint Andrea that we really need.
It's done!
Done? I'd say it's his undoing!
The wicked much be destroyed! Go see...
He's dead!
What's happening?
Hurry, my love!
No, don't leave through here!
They'll never know. We're leaving forever, Celestino!
Go back home! Honor your father and your mother!
You were in love once!
They destroyed your love. And the poor girl had to marry Agostino!
All right, go on.
May God go with you.
It was him! Good Lord... it was Saint Andrea!
Jesus! I've seen Saint Andrea!
Come look! We caught every fish in the sea!
Hurry! The boats are loaded with fish!
Saint Andrea performed a miracle!
Del Bello, how much do you want for this fish?
Cuccurullo, how much do you want to give me?
Let's say 300 lire.
You must be drunk!
At the very maximum 200 lire.
These are choice fish!
No, they're fish for pizza!
There's a letter from a Ministry in Rome!
The Ministry of Public Works? Where's the Mayor?
He's at Agostino's funeral.
Then let's go to the cemetery!
The miracle with the fish... Agostino dead... oh, Saint Andrea!
Lean on my shoulder, Mayor.
I'm the same size as Agostino. His uniform would be perfect on me.
But he's buried in his uniform.
No, only in his shirt.
- Which shirt? - His white shirt, fortunately!
He died with his arm raised. So they had to make a special coffin!
Agostino was too short to be a policeman.
When he directed traffic, nobody could see him!
Mayor, I warn you, tall men eat a lot!
Mister Mayor...
A letter from Rome from the Ministry!
What are you waiting for? Read it right away.
As the Mayor's aide, I have a right to know what it says.
In response to the numerous demands made to this office...
...we are pleased to inform you that your request has been granted.
You have been awarded the extraordinary sum of 11 million lire.
Your town may dispose of the sum according to its needs.
Your sermon!
How can I give a sermon at a time like this?
Suppose he was a madman...?
I have the power!
What a chance... I should I try it out?
Dead...!
I may be dreaming, but something extraordinary has happened!
I know, Celestino. The Madonna performed a miracle.
No, Saint Andrea did!
Fine... Saint Andrea, too. It's manna from heaven.
We can finally tear down this old church.
I could never stand this fake baroque!
We'll restore the old Byzantine style, with real, genuine mosaics!
What miracle are you talking about?
The 11 million lire!
I wrote the Archbishop pleading for money for this sacred work.
Oh, how I prayed for this gift!
I understand perfectly.
Where's the Mayor?
- In conference. - I must see him at once.
He's not seeing anyone today.
I was a prophet! I told you we'd get those millions.
I understand your state of mind, and your enthusiasm.
The government has finally granted our requests.
But let's not forget, you have me, your Mayor, to thank!
We all have civic responsibility and a love for our city.
That will help us agree how to best use the sum so kindly donated.
I object to the word ''donated''! It reveals a servile mentality!
Let's concentrate on how to use these millions.
I'm a practical man, not a speechmaker.
So I say: Friends and countrymen, let us welcome these millions!
That will allow us finally to be able to build a dam...
...to protect our poor fishermen's boats from the fury of the sea.
What poor fishermen's boats? They all belong to you!
Everyone may give his own dignified opinion.
- I think... - You think too much, Mr Mayor.
Those millions will help us build a tunnel...
...to greatly facilitate transportation from the coast.
We need a hospital for children!
You own all the transportation!
I have to leave you for just a moment.
Mayor, our problems are solved!
I have a miraculous weapon! I can make justice triumph!
Remember Sergeant Bill?
Bill's my partner in the hotel.
Come, let's go where we can talk
more freely.
He's laughing. Oh, he's so ugly when he laughs!
He's corrupt! He's completely corrupt!
My dear friends, your plan is magnificent.
But we have to proceed with caution, and avoid confusion.
I have a rotten bunch against me.
Opportunists, bigots... all corrupt, completely corrupt!
Victory will be ours!
''Victory will be ours''...?
That's what was written over the walls when we landed.
It wasn't a good sign!
Now that we have a tranquil moment--
Let's discuss our problems with a smile on our lips.
No one knows our problems better than I.
And I say what's most important is an irrigation system.
Not to me! I don't have vineyards like you do!
You have no civic responsibility.
Don't make any plans for that 11 million from Rome.
It's to honor my poor dead husband.
It's to build him a monument!
He was a great poet, and besides he lent you all money!
Build him a monument or I'll call in your loans.
Was he really a poet?
He once wrote a postcard in verse.
Don't joke. She can send us all to jail.
Mayor, I must talk to you! It's urgent!
The church wants those millions for rebuilding...
Cuccurullo wants a tunnel, Del Bello wants a dam...
They'll grab it all, and we poor beggers will go on starving!
I say we should decide!
Because we lemon-pickers have always worked like slaves!
All selfish! All thinking of themselves!
We fishermen are exploited! We deserve those millions!
It's a disgrace! Look at that hussy!
Celestino, come to the dock!
Celestino, take a picture of her!
What are you doing here?
That chair is for customers only.
Donna Amalia sent me. She wants an enlargment of her husband's photo.
She says to do it fast, and do it well.
She wants it life size.
It's a model for the monument.
We need a sewer here, not a monument!
Amalia lives up high. She doesn't smell the stink down here.
I pay taxes, and I want a sewer!
You should honor Amalia's wishes. You haven't paid her rent since 1934!
But I pay her 600% interest!
Juliet! My Juliet!
That must be the American girl's room.
We have to make those Americans move to my house, to the Del Bellos.
Joe, didn't you say your family lived here for 4 generations?
Joe, this isn't house, it's zoo!
Then go stay in the zoo, along with your naked women!
Don't mind him. He's old-fashioned.
What good is that? These are mice, not insects!
A monument yet...!
Give me back my promissory notes!
She's dead! Dead!
The Doctor's sleeping. He can't be disturbed.
Donna Amalia is dead!
Let's go see, Doctor.
A total psychomotor paralysis! Caused by nervous trauma.
From fear of being robbed.
Of being robbed by the rich!
Celestino, go to the pharmacy and get me these injections.
It's a shame! Getting us up at night...
And I so hoped that--
I mean, I thought she was dead. But no...
It's not my fault!
Do you think she'll survive?
Who knows? She may live a day, or 100 years.
Couldn't you find a way to--
To kill her off?
She's not dead!
Nobody inherits anything... yet.
Total psychomotor paralysis...
She can't talk, hear, or move. Go see.
Poor woman!
What hypocrites! They make me nauseous.
She'd be much better off dead.
Cuccurullo, you've got chalk on your pants.
And you've got chalk on your sleeve.
Del Bello, you were already here last night.
Yes, so was I! We have to act like men!
Business is business.
You're a worse scoundrel than me!
''To be opened after my death...'' It's her will!
''I leave all my possessions to the three poorest people in town.''
It's disgraceful! Terrible!
We're just in time to prevent this injustice!
Mayor, can you take care of Donna Amalia's affairs while she's ill?
I can, if her relatives and heirs agree.
You're the best qualified!
I have to go now. My fishing boats will be in any minute.
Celestino, the injections...!
Del Bello, put Donna Amalia's will back!
Are you crazy! What will?
Listen, it's dangerous to rob the poor!
First you put in garlic, oil, and pepper. Then add oregano.
He's always running.
And this damned town has all these damned stairs.
Wherever you go, you have to walk up or walk down.
It's dangerous to rob the poor.
It's more dangerous to rob the rich!
The Americans are changing houses again!
There are no mice in my house!
The cleanest house in the land.
Look at those ceilings. All paintings from the 1600's.
Let's go to the Green Room.
We've even got The Flight From Egypt.
Excuse me, have you got a bathroom, too?
The toilet? You can use the terrace.
Oh, wonderful. A bathroom with a terrace...!
This is an authentic picture. Painted by the artist in person!
And this an original radio. German, or American.
And those are other real live pictures.
Let's go into the salon, where we've got even more pictures.
We've got too many pictures, and too little money.
There's a whole gallery of ancestors I don't even know.
Centuries of them. Before I was even born.
With all these dead relatives, we've got a regular cemetery here!
Pleased to meet you!
What are they waiting for?
Who knows? Del Bello's son brought these Americans here.
Some coffee, Reverend? A cup for you, Doctor?
Something must have happened.
Romeo, don't leave me alone.
Stop crying, stupid. Nobody's inheriting anything yet!
The will! Hand over that will!
What will? I'm going to live to be 100!
You stole Donna Amalia's will.
Celestino, you're either a madman or a swindler.
Cuccurullo, you have till noon to put it back.
Papa, the Americans are here.
We two have to talk about business.
There are a lot of possibilities. We'll become partners.
Papa, either the Americans leave, or I do!
Don't you like Americans?
Of course I do. But it's your niece...
I like her, but I'm an engaged man!
Cuccurullo, remember you have until noon.
Put back the will or you'll end up like Del Bello!
Protect me against the evil eye!
There! Justice has been done!
Don't worry, my house is peaceful. Just a couple of children...
You said your house is nearby?
We're almost there. Just a couple more stairs...
Stairs all the time...!
You can stay as long as you like. No one's going to die in my house.
I wanted to invite you earlier.
But people would have said their Mayor was pulling strings.
People will say anything in this town. Especially against me!
There's no more respect for authority. Not like there used to be!
These are my children. They're very well behaved.
Celestino is here to see you.
He'll wait even if he has to sleep here!
Him, too? Show my friends to the guest room.
See me tomorrow. I have no time now!
Tomorrow will be too late.
Do you know what's in here?
Donna Amalia's will!
Don't ask why I have it. If you killed me, I wouldn't tell you!
They wanted to destroy it, but I stopped them.
Make them respect Donna Amalia's last wishes.
Celestino, you've read the will?
It's marvelous! Who ever expected her to be so generous?
The poorest people in our town will be rich.
No more suffering! Isn't it marvelous?
Don't get so excited, Celestino.
Providence itself brought you here to me.
Celestino, did you ever learn about economy?
From the day I was born!
I don't mean household economy. I mean, science.
I mean, the science called economics.
It demonstrates that dispersed capital is useless waste.
Suppose Donna Amalia's money goes to these three beggers.
They lack experience to manage it properly.
How will our little town benefit? In no way at all!
Suppose someone else handled those millions?
Someone able, intelligent, and honest.
That could result in a source of wealth for everyone.
I understand. You're as bad as the others!
Where's the toilet?
There's a chamber pot.
Yes, it's next to the bed.
No good? Then use the balcony!
Where are you running in this heat?
I have something urgent to do.
So do the Reverend and I.
I'm waiting for someone to be born. He's waiting for someone to die.
So we'll both be ahead, right?
Doctor, this is no time for your usual jokes.
I can't explain now.
I'm working for everybody's good, against the wicked few.
I believe you, my son.
You're lucky, Celestino, if you can tell good from evil.
I can't, after all those years.
Good and evil are so close, I can't tell them apart.
What counts are your intentions.
God knows what's in your heart.
Meanwhile, the wicked triumph, and the good lose out.
We have to exterminate the wicked.
Only then can we enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
Celestino, take a laxative!
Celestino's a good soul. It'll be easy for him to get into Heaven.
Hurry, or you'll arrive after the baptism, and I, after the funeral!
Stairs, always stairs in this damned town...
I brought back your will.
Those swindlers tried to destroy it.
But I saved it, for everybody's good!
Leave everything to the poorest people in town.
You'll die happy. And we'll build you a monument!
No, burn the will! Nobody gets anything!
I'll take it with me! Damn you all!
A miracle! Donna Amalia spoke!
I'll put the will back in its place.
Damn witch! Damn money-lender!
That takes care of you!
Damn flies, they get everything dirty.
Doctor, close the door. It's full of flies in here.
My head is fine now. It's the others who are off their heads!
Everyone says that, even crazy people. But who isn't crazy?
Donna Amalia's relatives say she's much worse now.
Doctor, she deserves whatever she gets.
She's dead.
Oh, finally!
I'm sorry for her, but it means I don't have to climb those stairs!
They can pick up the death certificate at my house.
I climb too many stairs for the pittance the town pays me.
I love the poor. But not because I have democratic feelings.
Because the poor live at the bottom, and the rich live at the top.
Too far at the top!
Stand still for your picture!
Here comes Donna Amalia's funeral.
The cemetery's closed.
No more burials inside the tower.
Our lousy Mayor sold the cemetery to the Americans!
They sold the cemetery from under us!
The Mayor sold the cemetery and all the bodies!
To the Americans? It's a crime! They'd sell anything!
The Mayor sold the Americans our cemetery!
In the name of the law, and in my position as notary...
...I will now read Donna Amalia's will to her heirs.
I object! The will was already opened... it's torn!
No, this was dictated by her just before she died.
I, Amalia Capece, being sound of body and mind...
...leave all my worldly possessions...
...to the three poorest people in town.
That's the will of a madwoman!
The will stands as written.
Well? How much do you want for these fish?
Make an offer. You're the one who wants to buy.
I'm asking 300 lire.
These are choice fish.
They're fish for pizza!
Oh, you're a hard bargainer, just like your father.
Your father was a thief!
Want to exterminate the wicked?
As soon as one goes, two more arrive!
There are a couple steps more...
In 4 days, they've changed houses 4 times!
They're bad luck. Wherever they go, someone dies.
Strange deaths, too. They bring bad luck.
Death is always strange.
I see someone laughing, talking, thinking...
And suddenly... it's all over.
Good old Amalia! She left her money to the poor.
Now that Donna Amalia's dead, everyone likes her.
And everyone will be after the beggars who got her fortune.
It's the only good thing she did in her life.
Finally the poor will be able to eat and dress decently.
What ''poor''? That's Luigi and his gang, the biggest thieves alive!
They stole from Donna Amalia, too.
Nobody will be saved! I'll fix them all!
He's dead!
You don't believe in the devil, eh? Only in science?
I, Celestino, the lowest of low, am stronger than an atomic bomb!
Look at these hypocrites, these misers and hoodlums!
I have the power to wipe them out!
I'm a criminal!
I'll punish myself with my own hands!
First I'll destroy the one who gave me the power.
He was my ruination.
You can't be Saint Andrea. You must be the Devil!
Would a Saint ever kill?
I'll destroy you.
You can't destroy me. I'm already dead.
Yes, I'm a devil. But a poor, lonely, miserable one.
I mess up everything. They'll never send me on Earth again!
They'll say I'm too old.
And I so hoped to wipe out everyone with this invention of mine.
You've already damned 6 people!
Nobody goes to Hell anymore.
The One up there saves everybody.
Do just one good thing, and He pardons you.
I hoped to make a name for myself this time.
Because even in Hell, it's good to have some pull.
Listen, Devil, can you bring my victims back to life?
I'm a poor devil, but I do have that power.
But when I go back down, I'll be in big trouble...
You won't go back!
If I stay here, I'll lose my immortality.
And I'm so old. I'm 113,000!
You won't be an immortal devil, but...
Make the sign of the Cross.
Oh, they don't teach you that down there. Well, I'll show you.
It's a miracle.
That's Del Bello's voice! Then none of them are dead!
Where's the Doctor?
The Doctor hasn't come in here yet.
Who's that? Agostino is alive, too!
I'll tell everyone you're a relative of mine.
On Cain's side!
We'll take down the sets, my friends. The play is over.
Here's the moral:
Do good. But don't overdo it!
Avoid evil, for your own sake.
Don't be too hasty in judging others.
And think twice before you punish anyone.
I'll leave now, for time does fly...
So I'll take my bow, and say goodbye.
THE END
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