♪ There's something stirring
something crackling
like firewood
a certain spirit that ♪
♪ is lighting up the
neighborhood
I think it's time
for the timeless ♪
♪ time of the year
you're bundled up
got a blizzard
coming on the way ♪
♪ the family fighting like
they do because
it's the holidays
and every memory ♪
♪ you're holding
in your heart
is alive once more
right here ♪
♪ feels like you're
a kid again
making you remember
when life was good ♪
♪ just watching the
snow fall down
doesn't matter if
the year's got you ♪
♪ feeling down
just remember in december
what is coming around and
you'll find the feeling ♪
♪ that you've always found
you can count on christmas
count on christmas
comin' back home ♪
♪ to the old address
something burning
in the kitchen
with the house a mess ♪
♪ and this year
is promising
nothing less
you can count on christmas ♪
♪ count on christmas
yeah yeah yeah oh
yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ count on christmas
count on christmas
we got a christmas song
singalong around the tree ♪
♪ keep the eggnog flowing
till we're all tipsy
there's another
movie marathon on tv ♪
♪ which one could it be?
But with all
of the presents
all of the gifts ♪
♪ it's really about
who you're
sharing them with
and just for christmas eve ♪
♪ the world's the way
it used to be
doesn't matter
if the year's ♪
♪ got you feeling down
just remember in december
what is coming around
and you'll find the feeling ♪
♪ that you've always found
you can count on christmas
count on christmas
waiting up late ♪
♪ hear the jingle bells ring
santa claus is coming
what's he gonna bring?
There's a little bit ♪
♪ of magic to everything
you can count on christmas
count on christmas
yeah yeah yeah oh ♪
♪ yeah yeah yeah oh
yeah yeah yeah yeah
count on christmas
count on christmas ♪
♪ doesn't matter
if the year's
got you feeling down
just remember in december ♪
♪ what is coming around
and you'll find the feeling
that you've always found
you can count on christmas ♪
♪ count on christmas
yeah yeah yeah
♪♪
[ Applause ]
>> Merry christmas!
♪ ♪
>> Narrator: Yep, it's that time
of year again.
I've been through my fair share
of christmases by now and I
think it's safe to say that some
things about the holidays never
change.
>> Thank you kindly.
>> Narrator: Like I was saying,
some things never change.
Snow comes down, your weight
goes up.
You get to spend time with the
family you love and you're
forced to spend time with the
rest of them, too.
It was like that decades ago,
and it'll be like that decades
from now.
But no matter the year, there's
always that magic in the air,
like something special's bound
to happen.
>> Narrator: I guess it's safe
to say that everyone has a
christmas story.
This is mine.
♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪
♪ fa la la la la
la la la la ♪
♪ 'tis the season
to be jolly ♪
♪ fa la la la la
la la la la ♪
♪ don we now our gay apparel ♪
♪ fa la la la la
la la la la ♪
♪ troll the ancient
yuletide carol ♪
♪ fa la la la la
la la la la ♪
>> Narrator: My story happened
in an exotic place called
hohman, indiana, where the state
line ends abruptly in the icy,
detergent-filled waters of
lake michigan.
Back in the day, lake michigan
was so polluted you could run
halfway to milwaukee before you
sank to the bottom.
Down in hohman, we'd already had
our first snow by early
december.
>> Narrator: And winter was just
beginning.
In a few weeks we'd be walking
to school in howling winds,
leaning forward like hood
ornaments.
But right about now, all we
could hear was the building
excitement, like a faint,
far off chorus.
>> Narrator: Yeah, like that.
>> Narrator: The building
excitement that christmas was on
its way.
Lovely, glorious christmas,
filled with the quiet spirit of
peace on earth.
>> Ralphie!
>> Narrator: And good will
toward men.
>> Ralphie, where are you?
>> Narrator: There it is.
The house on cleveland street.
>> Ralphie!
>> I'm upstairs, mom!
>> Well then come downstairs!
Randy, sweetie, we have to go!
>> Narrator: My mother, trying
in vain to get me and my kid
brother randy out of the house
and on our way.
>> Vroom, vroom!
>> Randy, have you been there
this whole time?
I've been calling you.
We have to go.
>> Aw, mom!
>> You don't want to miss it, do
you?
Ralphie, what are you doing up
there?
>> I'm reading "boy's world!"
>> Mommy, is there a "girl's
world?"
>> No, sweetie.
We have to put up with "boy's
world."
Ralphie, put it away and come
downstairs!
>> Narrator: But how could I put
it away?
I was staring at a three-color,
full page, advertisement for the
greatest gift a boy could ever
hunger for.
And time was running out.
♪ Goodbye november
thanksgiving's gone ♪
♪ now every house you pass
has a plastic reindeer ♪
♪ on its lawn
>> ralphie!
Please!
♪ It's almost christmas
that's clear to see ♪
♪ and there's a
certain something ♪
♪ that I want beneath my tree
>> boys, your father will be
home any minute.
I thought I told you to put that
down.
Randy, why aren't your shoes on?
♪ This year
don't want ♪
♪ another plaid tie
this year ♪
♪ can't let my
chance pass by ♪
♪ and i'm running
out of time ♪
>> Ralphie, now!
♪ There's a gift I gotta get
and it all comes down ♪
♪ to christmas
I know the clock is set ♪
♪ and it all comes down
to christmas ♪
♪ i've got one shot
and it's 24 days away ♪
♪ I have to hurry up
'cause it all comes down ♪
♪ to christmas day
[ dogs barking ]
>> Get away! Shoo! Shoo!
>> Narrator: My old man.
>> Call 'em off! Bumpus!
>> Narrator: The bumpus hounds
from next door.
The bumpuses were backwoods kind
of folks, so low down on the
evolutionary chain
charles darwin classified them
as "your guess is as good as
mine."
>> Consarned cummerbits!
Rackin' fraking mangy mutts!
♪ I have a mission
I have a plan ♪
♪ I know to get that gift
i've really gotta ♪
♪ get to my old man
>> stupid hillbillies!
>> Frank, dear, we're waiting!
♪ And then there's mother
she can be tough ♪
♪ i'll drop a couple hints
maybe that'll be enough ♪
>> Ralphie we're going to be
late.
It starts at five!
>> C'mon, ralphie, we got to get
to higbee's!
>> Narrator: Ah, higbee's.
The high-water mark of the
pre-christmas season was the
unveiling of the window at
higbee's department store.
That window would now be packed
with gifts galore,including the
object of my constant yearning.
♪ This year
don't want a book ♪
♪ I won't read
this year ♪
♪ I know the thing
that I need ♪
♪ and i'm
running out of time ♪
♪ to higbee's
that window ♪
♪ we gotta go
not a second ♪
♪ can we spare 'cause
it all comes ♪
♪ down to christmas
we're pulling out ♪
♪ our hair 'cause
it all comes ♪
♪ down to christmas
we've got one shot and it's
♪ 24 days away ♪
We have to hurry up
♪ 'cause it all comes down ♪
To christmas day
♪ this year
I want a shiny red bike ♪
♪ I want a model toy plane
how 'bout a lionel train ♪
♪ this year
I want a wife who can cook ♪
♪ I want my kids
to earn a's ♪
♪ I hope they
give me that raise ♪
♪ and i'm running
out of time ♪
♪ we're getting
close to christmas ♪
♪ we're getting
close to christmas ♪
♪ there's only 24
it all comes down ♪
♪ to christmas days ♪
♪ to christmas day
>> hey!
♪ Jingle bells
jingle bells ♪
♪ jingle all the way
oh what fun ♪
♪ it is to ride in
a one horse open sleigh ♪
♪ we're scrimping
and we're saving ♪
♪ 'cause it all
comes down to christmas ♪
♪ we better start behaving
'cause it all ♪
♪ comes down to christmas
we've got one shot ♪
♪ and it's 24 days
away ♪
♪ thirty four
thousand ♪
♪ forty-nine minutes away ♪
♪ almost almost ♪
♪ christmas christmas day ♪
♪ we'll brave
the bitter weather ♪
♪ 'cause it all
comes down to christmas ♪
♪ and make it through together ♪
♪ 'cause it all
comes down to christmas ♪
♪ we've got one shot
and it's 24 days away ♪
♪ time is almost up
and it all comes down ♪
♪ to christmas
day ♪
♪ almost christmas
nearly ♪
♪ christmas day
♪♪
>> That's it!
That's it!
An official red ryder range
model carbine action bb gun.
♪ Ah ♪
With a compass in the stock, and
this thing that tells time
>> it was the number one gift
that year.
Much to the consternation of
mothers and tin cans ever where.
>> Narrator: But the fever was
upon me.
For months, i'd thought about a
red ryder air rifle.
Now, here it was!
The real thing!
♪ You don't need a steed
to be a cowboy ♪
♪ no, you're not
a hero just by ♪
♪ galloping off in the sun
what you really need ♪
♪ to be a cowboy
fearless ♪
♪ keepin' bandits
tremblin' on the run ♪
♪ is a red ryder
carbine action bb gun ♪
>> Narrator: That's right, boys.
Take it from me, buckaroo bob.
If you want to keep your
homestead free of villains, I
give you -- old blue!
♪ See me standing guard
up at my window ♪
♪ i'll protect
the neighborhood ♪
♪ so outlaws are
always outdone ♪
♪ and i'll bombard
them from that window ♪
♪ show those weasels
how the wild west was won ♪
♪ bang bang
with a red ryder ♪
♪ carbine action bb gun
my teacher could be ♪
♪ taken by a pack of goons
my class might be ♪
♪ invaded by raccoons
the kids would ♪
♪ hurry down the hall
as tigers try to ♪
♪ eat them all
but they would be okay ♪
♪ i'd swoop in
and save the day ♪
♪ and the girls would sigh
and say "oh, ralphie!" ♪
♪ when you're big
and brave like me ♪
♪ no bully can ever make fun
my mom is cryin' ♪
♪ "cowboy ralphie"
while my dad is yellin' ♪
♪ "that boy, he's my son"
with a red ryder ♪
♪ carbine action bb gun
but it's almost nearly ♪
♪ getting close
counting down, ♪
♪ the clock is set
don't know how ♪
♪ don't know who
but I just know ♪
♪ I gotta get
a red ryder carbine ♪
♪ red ryder carbine
stock with a compass ♪
♪ with a compass in the stock!
Red ryder carbine action bb ♪
♪ gun!
♪ The lines are
getting longer ♪
♪ 'cause it all
comes down to christmas ♪
♪ our drinks are
getting stronger ♪
♪ 'cause it all
comes down to christmas ♪
♪ i've got one shot
and it's 24 days away! ♪
♪ It all comes down
to christmas day! ♪
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
>>> Over the past two weeks
everyone in southern california
has been deeply affected by the
catastrophic wild fires.
On behalf of the entire
production of "a christmas
story" live from the warner
brothers back lot in burbank,
california.
Please join us in honoring the
first responders who put their
lives on the lines.
♪ ♪
>> Shut up!
No, no, no, bumpus!
Call 'em off, call 'em off!
>> Narrator: 23 days 'till
christmas and my mission was
already well underway.
Only thing is, no one else in my
house knew it.
>> You are tuned to wxms,
broadcasting from central
indiana to the deep end of lake
michigan.
>> Boys, breakfast.
>> Tune in this evening at
8:00 for "the hoosier's who's
who," brought to you by
chesterfield, the thinking
person's cigarette.
>> Goodness gracious, it's
freezing already, and december's
just begun.
>> In the news this morning,
democrats and republicans still
find it difficult to see eye to
eye on --
>> boys, breakfast!
Hurry, you'll both be late for
school.
>> Get out of my way, randy.
>> You get out of my way,
ralphie.
>> I was here first.
>> Was not.
>> Were, too.
>> Was not.
>> Were, too.
>> Was not.
>> Were, too.
>> Was not.
>> Were, too.
>> Shut up.
>> Hurry up now and eat.
So, boys, tell your father what
you want for christmas.
>> What?
Oh, yeah, go ahead.
>> Narrator: An opening!
Getting my old man's attention
wasn't easy.
Sometimes I wondered if he even
noticed me at all.
But here he was, asking the
question I most longed to be
asked in the whole wide world.
>> Well, dad, since you asked,
come to think of it --
>> what was that?
>> It sounded like the furnace
again, dear.
>> Narrator: And with that, my
dream went up in smoke.
>> Consarned, goobly-degooking,
rackling ash!
Farfangled-britches,
cobbler-gobling ding-grubbled --
who left skates on the steps?
>> Narrator: My old man was one
of the most feared furnace
fighters in northern indiana,
and the blue streak coming out
of his mouth was more than equal
to the blue smoke pouring out of
the furnace grate.
>> Who turned the damper down?
You have to leave it up.
Clinkers again.
Cob-globbering, tutten-fruitten
clinkers.
The fufulicking, fumulgating,
faarfignugin flopchockitty
furnace has gone out.
Do you have any idea how much
time I spend in that furnace
room?
>> About half as much time as I
spend in this kitchen?
>> Call the office and tell them
i'll be late.
>> Narrator: Profanity for us
kids was strictly verboten.
But my old man?
That day my father wove a
tapestry of obscenity that, as
far as we know, is still hanging
in space over lake michigan.
>> So, you boys didn't get a
chance to tell us what you want
for christmas?
>> Narrator: Another opening!
Now, I figured the old man would
never get me the gun for
christmas anyway.
But maybe, just maybe, I could
convince my mother.
The red ryder wasn't just a
christmas present, it was a
necessity.
♪ Gotta find a subtle way
to say it
play it careful ♪
♪ don't seem desperate
or you're done
get the red ryder
carbine action bb gun ♪
>> I want a toy zeppelin that
lights up and makes noises.
For school.
Ralphie?
>> Narrator: I knew the moment
called for nuance and
nonchalance.
But sometimes, you just --
>> an official red ryder carbine
action 200 shot range model air
rifle with a compass in the
stock and --
>> narrator: Oh, no, my tongue
short-circuited my brain.
I was dead.
Even before she opened her
mouth, I knew what was coming.
>> Oh, ralphie.
You'll shoot your eye out.
That deadly phrase, uttered many
times before and since by
mothers everywhere, was not
surmountable by any means known
to kid-dom.
>> Right.
I was just kidding.
I guess i'd like some tinker
toys.
>> Narrator: Tinker toys!
Nobody ever asks for tinker
toys, they're just given to you
automatically.
>> Come on, ralphie, time to get
ready for school.
>> Narrator: Mustn't give up.
Gotta think.
Mom out.
Dad out.
Who could I turn to next?
>> Come on, ralphie, put on your
things.
Here, randy, let me help you.
>> Mom, it's too cold to go to
school.
>> Narrator: There was no
question of staying home.
Cold in hohman was a fact of
nature, and as such, could not
be used in any fraudulent scheme
to stay out of school.
And preparing to go to school
was like preparing for extended
deep-sea diving.
>> What?
>> Aw, ma, we're gonna be late.
>> Just wait, ralphie.
>> Narrator: My kid brother
looked like a tick about to pop.
>> I can't put my arms down.
>> Narrator: Sometimes a mother
is the mother of invention.
>> You'll put your arms down
when you get to school.
Okay, now, go.
Work hard.
You can rest over christmas
vacation.
Good-bye, have a nice day.
>> Well, I showed that furnace a
thing or two.
Now where'd I put the mail?
>> Right here, dear.
>> Bills, bills, bills.
Hey, look, here it is.
Would you get that, honey,
please. Oh, yeah.
We've got bills.
We've got more bills.
Hey, look!
Here it is.
>> Narrator: This was the golden
age of the crossword puzzle, and
my old man was hooked.
Contest after contest, my old
man labored doggedly.
He entered them all, but this
was the farthest he'd ever
gotten.
>> What's wrong, dear?
>> What is the name of the lone
ranger's nephew's horse?
>> Victor.
His name is victor.
>> How did you know that?
>> Everybody knows that.
>> "Everybody knows that."
>> Is that another one of your
silly puzzles, dear?
>> Silly?
I have happened to make the
semifinals where I could make
$50,000 or a lot of valuable
prizes.
I just need to finish, get this
in the mail by tomorrow, and I
could be a winner.
>> Good luck, dear.
I believe in you, even if you're
not a winner.
♪ The wheels in my mind
just keep on spinning
another exhausting climb
uphill ♪
♪ I always come close to almost
winning ♪
♪ just focus and think
i'm practically there
if I could get ink
in each little square ♪
♪ i'd be the genius on cleveland
street ♪
>> Yeah.
♪ An intellectual elite
I could win an award
a trophy for all to see ♪
>> Imagine that.
♪ The genius on cleveland street
the guy the neighbors wanna
greet ♪
♪ that mental machine
the genius on cleveland street ♪
♪ i'm brimming with skill and
brains
and knowledge
i'm hardly a hum drum
average joe ♪
♪ so I didn't come
from some dumb college
but if this could work ♪
♪ well, then I could go
from "parker the jerk"
to "parker the pro" ♪
♪ oh, i'd be the genius
on cleveland street
the crackerjack
that can't be beat ♪
♪ so smart it's obscene
the genius on cleveland street ♪
>> And now, ladies and
gentlemen, back to your favorite
quiz show, "are you a genius?"
And we'd like to welcome back
our listeners after that
exciting message from rinso, the
laundry soap guaranteed to get
lipstick out of any husband's
collar.
With rinso, it's easy to pretend
everything's fine.
And now, frank parker, you are
about to answer the question,
"are you a genius?"
[ Applause ]
You get to pick from three
subjects, and they are --
modern economic theory, culinary
delicacies of fascist italy, or
crosswords.
>> Crosswords, please.
>> Only two left to solve here.
Ready?
♪ Danish prince that
shakespeare penned
stabbed and poisoned
in the end ♪
>> Hamlet!
That's correct!
♪ Captain hook
he must destroy
tinkerbell's pal
forever a boy ♪
♪ peter -- ♪
>> Oh, god.
Three letters?
Peter -- and the wolf.
Peter the great.
Peter piper picked a peck of
pickled peppers.
Peter ilyich tchaikovsky.
Doesn't fit.
Saltpeter. Saint peter.
Saint petersburg.
Peter rabbit?
Hey, could you keep it down?
I'm trying to think.
Oh.
Peter pan.
♪ Mister parker
you're the best
no question, you're the best
we've ever seen ♪
♪ what a genius
on cleveland street
the genius on cleveland street ♪
♪ the whiz whose puzzle
is complete
it's somehow complete ♪
♪ if I send it in
and somehow I win
they'll see ♪
♪ i'm the genius
on cleveland street
the genius on cleveland street ♪
♪ who won't go down in defeat ♪
♪ let this be it
let this be the one
for the genius
on cleveland street ♪
♪♪
[ Applause ]
Everyone know rescue dogs are
super smart.
Our trainers agree.
The cats couldn't be happier.
And cogs, well, find their
forever family with one of our
trainers.
I guess you can say they have
their own christmas story.
Stay tuned for "a christmas
story" live.
>>> Narrator: Ah, the old
schoolyard.
I remember this place.
The laughter, the games.
The existential terror.
And I remember these.
I do not, however, remember what
was in them, though i'm sure it
was critical information at the
time.
>> Now listen, smartass.
I asked my old man about
sticking your tongue to a
flagpole, and he says it'll
stick to the pole, just like I
told you.
>> That's baloney.
What's your old man know about
anything?
>> My old man knows, 'cause he
once saw a guy stick his tongue
to a railroad track on a bet,
and the fire department had to
come and get his tongue unstuck.
>> Aw, you're full of beans, and
so's your old man.
>> Narrator: Schwartz and flick,
my two best friends.
>> Here they are.
Right where I left 'em
yesterday.
>> You leave your books here
overnight?
>> If I take 'em home, my mom
makes me open 'em.
>> That's dumb.
>> You're dumb.
>> Hey, fellas.
>> Narrator: My fellow wimps.
All for one, one for all.
>> I can't get up.
I can't get up.
Ralphie, I can't get up.
Come on, ralphie, wait up!
Come on, guys!
>> Let's go, randy, it's cold
out here.
>> I can't.
I fell down and I can't get up.
>> Come on, flick, wait up for
me.
>> Go help your brother,
ralphie.
>> Oh, all right.
>> Narrator: Scut farkus and
grover dill.
The bully and his toady.
Scut farkus.
Even his name sounded mean and
dirty.
>> Come here, you wimp.
>> Oh, no.
>> Narrator: And scut farkus had
yellow eyes.
I swear he did.
These were the kind of meatheads
who grow up bashing in car
grills and becoming mafia hit
men or captains of industry.
>> Who's ready to say "uncle?"
>> Narrator: I don't need to
relive this part.
♪ On every playground
there's a war taking place
between the bullies
and the wimps that they chase ♪
♪ and if you're part of the pack
that's always under attack
you quickly learn
that you don't fight back ♪
♪ when you're a wimp
they know that you
don't have the guts ♪
♪ and you wait every day
to get kicked in the ♪
♪ you take it again
and again
when you're a wimp
when you're a wimp ♪
>> Okay, ralphie, say it.
>> Uncle.
>> I can't hear you.
>> Uncle, uncle, uncle!
♪ You do his homework
if a question is missed
you get to answer
to the pound of his fist ♪
♪ he gives that
threatening glance
and you start
wetting your pants ♪
♪ it's kinda clear
that you got no chance ♪
♪ when you're a wimp
you don't even
try to escape ♪
♪ when your last name
is schwartz
you get crushed
like a grape ♪
♪ you try to survive
'till you're 10 ♪
♪ when you're a wimp
when you're a wimp ♪
♪ but oh
the day you grow
it'll be sublime
at payback time ♪
♪ you'll stretch
six feet overnight
you'll pick
one heck of a fight ♪
♪ and finally slug
every thug in sight ♪
♪ when you're a wimp
you patiently wait
for the day ♪
♪ when the tables
have turned
and you're making
them pay ♪
♪ imagine how helpless
they'll seem
when you're twisting
their arms ♪
♪ 'till they scream, yeah
you gotta hold on
to that dream ♪
♪ when you're a wimp
when you're a wimp
when you're a wimp ♪
♪♪
>>> Narrator: Although I had
survived the wrath of the
feared, arm- twisting twosome,
there was no avoiding the fact
that the coveted air rifle was
in serious jeopardy.
I couldn't even convince my own
mother I needed it.
I had to find another way.
Little did I know that i'd find
it in one of the unlikeliest
places in the whole world --
miss shields' classroom at
warren g. Harding elementary
school.
>> Take your seats, children.
Sit down, now.
Come on, come on, we haven't got
all day.
Class, quiet, please!
Class?
Quiet!
Good morning, class.
>> All: Good morning, miss
shields.
>> Good morning.
Now, children, our first
activity of the day will --
our first activity of the day --
our first activity --
>> narrator: We didn't have a
name for obsessive-compulsive
disorder yet, but I didn't judge
her, because she was pretty.
>> Now, our first activity will
be an in-class theme --
let me finish -- entitled "what
I want for christmas."
>> Narrator: Eureka!
If I could get miss shields to
sympathize with my plight, she
might phone my mother and
implore her to get me that gun.
>> Your grade will be determined
by content, grammar, legibility
and especially margins.
Margins.
>> Narrator: That wild west
sharpshooter would soon be mine.
If I could just stay inside the
margins.
Rarely had the words poured from
my penny pencil with such
feverish fluidity.
I remember to this day the
glorious winged phrases and
concise imagery of that theme.
>> What I want for christmas is
a red ryder bb gun with a
compass in the stock and this
thing that tells time.
Wow, that's great.
I don't think a football is a
very good christmas present.
But I think that everybody
should have a red ryder bb gun.
You never know when you'll need
it.
♪ ♪
>> Narrator: "Ralphie to the
rescue," take one.
Sound, speed, action.
♪ Your teacher
in trouble
so get there on the double ♪
♪ or she'll face her doom ♪
>> Ralphie, do something!
♪ The tension is mounting
one minute left and counting
'till she goes kaboom ♪
>> What?
No!
♪ Won't you save me, ralphie?
Tell the scoundrel to surrender?
I'll save the day ♪
♪ oh, he's got me, ralphie
I could die in this disaster ♪
>> Faster!
♪ Hold on, i'm on my way ♪
♪ ralphie to the rescue, oh
ralphie to the rescue, oh ♪
♪ one thing to do
time to turn to old blue
now let her go ♪
♪ yippee-kay-o ♪
>> My hero.
>> Narrator: Moving on to the
bank scene.
♪ We're stuck in a stick-up
we've got some cash
to pick up
fill the bag with loot ♪
♪ they're telling the teller
now hand it over, feller
or we'll have to shoot ♪
>> Hands in the air!
>> That's right.
♪ Won't you help us, ralphie?
Tell these robbers
to release us
don't let me die ♪
♪ try and stop us, ralphie
hope you're ready
for some payback ♪
>> Stay back!
♪ Forget the fbi
forget the fbi
ralphie to the rescue, oh ♪
♪ ralphie to the rescue, oh ♪
♪ he's here to book
every bank robbing crook
so drop the dough ♪
♪ yippee-kay-o ♪
♪ get 'em, cowboy
cowboy ralphie
the favorite son of indiana
with his gun and his bandana ♪
♪ riding high
high
get 'em, cowboy
cowboy ralphie ♪
♪ just in time
to fight some crime
just like red
he'll shoot 'em dead ♪
♪ yippee kay yippee kay
yippee kay yippee kay
yippee kay yippee kay-o ♪
>> Help me, ralphie!
♪♪
>> Black bart!
♪♪
♪ ♪
>> Narrator: Cut!
Print it!
Back to one!
♪ Ralphie to the rescue
oh
oh ♪
♪ ralphie to the rescue
oh ♪
♪ so brave and so bold
and he's just 9 years old ♪
♪ when i've got old blue
i'm a born buckaroo ♪
♪ a boy and his gun
riding off in the sun
just watch him go ♪
♪ go
go ♪
>> I think everyone should have
a red ryder bb gun.
And I think a red ryder bb gun
would be a very good christmas
present.
>> Paper, please.
♪ Yippee-kay-o! ♪
>> Narrator: That's a wrap on
"ralphie to the rescue!"
And now, stay tuned for a coming
attraction.
>> Mr. And mrs. Parker, your
extraordinary son, ralph, has
written the theme i've been
waiting for all my life.
"What I want for christmas is a
red ryder bb gun with a compass
in the stock and this thing that
tells time!" Is sheer poetry.
And the penmanship, the
conjugation, the punctuation!
All contained in the tightly
constrained dictates of the
margins.
Ralph has convinced me beyond
doubt, through his magnificent
and eloquent theme, that it is
absolutely necessary that he be
given a red ryder bb gun for the
protection of your family,
especially now that grizzly
bears have been spotted near
pulaski's candy store.
Grizzlies.
So thank you, mr. And
mrs. Parker, for your time.
And for ralph -- my prize
a-plus, plus, plus, plus, plus,
plus student.
>> Ralphie?
Ralphie, what on earth are you
daydreaming about?
I just heard your father pull
up, he'll be famished.
Hurry up now and wash up.
>> Yes, mom.
>> Narrator: A whole week had
gone by and miss shields still
hadn't graded the themes.
Expectation had turned to
anxiety, then deep despair.
>> I've got one shot and it's
17 days away.
>> Get away!
Get away!
Bumpus, call 'em off.
Call 'em off.
Give it back.
>> Hello, dear.
Did you have a good day?
>> I did 'till quitting time.
Then the olds wouldn't start
again.
So, I had to get a jump.
Needs a new battery.
Those things are up to $6 a
piece these days.
>> A nice hot plate of meat loaf
is sure to cheer you up.
>> Oh, sure.
>> Randy, wash up, dinner's
getting cold.
>> I don't need to.
I washed my hands yesterday.
>> Randy?
>> Oh, okay.
>> You too, ralphie.
>> But I washed mine this
morning.
>> Please, boys, don't make me
ask 100 times.
>> Okay.
♪ New stains on the rug
stray socks on the stair
and piles of paper appearing
right out of thin air ♪
♪ but the sheets have been
washed
the pants have been pressed
the floors have been scrubbed
like a woman possessed ♪
♪ and we're steady and stable
a meal on the table each evening
because that's what a mother
does ♪
>> Randy, come on, now.
>> Narrator: Every family has a
kid who won't eat.
Usually it's the one who takes
ballet.
But in our case, it was my
brother.
>> Can I have some more
meatloaf?
>> Narrator: My kid brother had
not eaten voluntarily in over
three years.
>> More potatoes, dear.
>> Narrator: And my mother
hadn't eaten a hot meal for
herself in 15 years.
>> Milk, please.
♪ Sit down to stand up you're
back on your feet ♪
♪ serve seconds and thirds
while you've still got
a boy who won't eat ♪
>> Aw, jeez.
♪ But a mom has her ways
a mom knows her kid
she'll get him to eat
without knowing he did ♪
♪ it's just one of her talents
she keeps life in balance
amid all the buzz
that's what a mother does ♪
>> You know, starving people
would be glad to have that.
>> Aw, meatloaf, smeatloaf,
double beet loaf, I hate
meatloaf.
>> Where's the screwdriver and
the plumber's helper?
I'll pry his mouth open and
stuff it in.
>> Frank!
>> Narrator: And he would have.
But my mother was more subtle
and far more creative.
What sound do little piggies
make?
[ Snorting ]
I don't remember.
Oh, that's right.
Oink, oink.
Nice little piggies.
>> Narrator: My brother was deep
into the "three little pigs" at
the time.
>> Now, how do little piggies
eat?
There's your trough.
How do little piggies eat?
[ Laughter ]
That's it!
That's right.
Gobble it all down.
>> Gosh.
>> Jeez.
>> Narrator: It was absolutely
disgusting.
>> You're mommy's little piggy.
♪ One thing down
a million more you've missed
the plates, the pans
keep crossing off the list ♪
♪ homework, pjs
get the kids to bed
choose a christmas story to be
read ♪
>> Did I turn on the lights?
♪ Yes, christmas is here
there's so much to do
a house to look festive
a family that's counting on
you ♪
♪ with tinsel to buy
and stockings to stuff
to make them forget that
the times have been tough ♪
♪ you're a mom on a mission
to keep up tradition
laughter in barrels ♪
♪ 'till you hear them say
you've made christmas day
the very best christmas
that there ever was ♪
♪ so you're off to the races
and put through your paces
battle your way through the
chaos
because that's what a mother
does ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
>> Where did I put the mail?
>> Narrator: Yes, the mail.
A sure way to be noticed.
>> Here you go, dear.
>> Bill, bill, bill.
These bills are never ending.
Here's a letter with no stamp on
it.
It's addressed to you.
>> To me?
>> How can they deliver a letter
with no stamp on it?
>> That's odd.
It's a silly ad for a kid's bb
gun.
Those things are dangerous.
>> Narrator: Rats.
My fevered brain seethed with
the effort to come up with an
infinitely subtle device to
implant the air rifle indelibly
into my parents' consciousness
without their being aware of it.
>> I heard miss shields say she
saw some grizzly bears near
pulaski's candy store the other
day.
>> Grizzly bears?
>> That's what miss shields
said.
>> Near the candy store.
>> Pulaski's.
>> That doesn't seem possible.
>> Why not?
Miss shields loves candy.
And just think, randy and I go
to that candy store all the
time.
If only I had some way to
protect me and my little
brother.
>> I never heard of grizzly
bears in this part of north
america.
>> We're living in dangerous
times.
Grizzlies.
>> Eat your cabbage, ralphie.
Someone's at the door.
[ Doorbell ]
Would anyone like to get it?
No, no, please, by all means,
let me.
I'll just clean the house and do
the laundry and boil the cabbage
and do a variety show for my
5-year-old.
Because that's what a mother
does.
Cool come -- coming!
Can I help you?
>> Narrator: Telegram for you
folks, mrs. Parker.
>> What is it?
>> A telegram.
It's addressed to you.
>> That's why I should always
get the door.
>> Silly me.
Well?
>> Look for yourself.
>> "Congratulations!
You have won a major award in
our $50,000 'great figures of
world literature contest'.
It will arrive by special
messenger tonight.
You are a winner!"
>> You hear that?
I'm a winner!
>> But a winner of what?
>> It could be anything.
A new car, a trip to paris.
A guy in terre haute won a
bowling alley.
>> How are they gonna deliver a
bowling alley?
>> Well, they could deliver a
deed, for cripessake.
[ Doorbell ]
It's here!
Quiet, hang on!
>> Narrator: Frank parker?
>> Yeah?
>> Narrator: Sign here.
Okay.
Haul it in.
>> Well, what is it?
>> Narrator: Beats me.
>> Well, merry christmas.
Don't be afraid of a little
elbow grease.
Feliz navidad, and all that.
>> Careful, dear.
Look what it says on the side.
>> Fra-gee-lay.
It must be italian.
I won an italian prize.
Fra-gee-lay!
>> I think that says fragile,
>> oh.
Oh, yeah.
I knew that.
Quick, get me a crowbar.
And a hammer.
Get me a hammer.
♪ Here's the proof i'm someone
i'm a someone, very wise
when you're this astute
you get saluted with a prize ♪
♪ and when that prize arrives
in a giant wooden crate
you know it's something great ♪
>> Narrator: The old man worked
in supercharged haste to lay
bare his hard-won symbol of
victory.
♪ Oh, mr.Parker
who could believe
the glory of the gift
that you're about to receive? ♪
>> What is it?
>> A leg.
>> But what is it?
>> Well, it's a leg.
Like a statue.
>> A statue?
>> Whoopie, a statue!
>> Ooh, we won a statue.
>> Ralphie.
>> Wait a minute.
There's something else in the
box.
>> What?
>> Holy smokes!
Do you know what this is?
>> What?
>> It's a lamp.
>> It's a lamp?
>> It's -- it's --
♪ it's a major award
I won a major award ♪
♪ I won a grand slam
big fat, wam-bam, "take that!"
Award
I won a major award
I won a major award ♪
♪ who won? I won
it's me?
I see
well, gee
it's a major award ♪
>> Wow, this is exactly what we
need for the front window.
>> What?
Now, dear, i'm not sure the
front window is the best --
>> narrator: The snap of a few
sparks, a quick whiff of ozone,
and the lamp blazed forth in
unparalleled glory.
>> Ain't that something.
>> It's something, all right.
>> Hey, wait, I want to see it
from outside.
>> Narrator: The lamp, to my
mother's consternation, could be
seen up and down cleveland
street.
>> You should see it from out
here.
>> Oh, I can see it fine from
here.
>> Honey, move it a little
forward, so people can see it.
>> Oh, dear god.
♪ What on earth is that?
Is what?
That window, such a glow
oh ♪
♪ it's a big-time honor
an award
i'd never know ♪
♪ now this is patent-proof
that your neighbor is a champ
it looks just like a lamp ♪
♪ that there's a statue
a fine work of art
a prize that they bestow
upon the extra-super-smart ♪
♪ friends, it's a major award
I won a major award
who won?
He won? ♪
♪ It's he
I see
♪ he won a major award
it's a trophy he can cherish
what a beauty ♪
♪ oh, it's garish he's a winner
that's for certain ♪
Maybe he should close the
curtain ♪
♪ for a window, slightly
overboard
don't you get it?
Ladies, it's a major award ♪
♪ a major award?
A major award
a major award?
A major award ♪
♪ frank parker did it
how remarkably grand
frank parker did it
now the world will understand ♪
♪♪
♪ i'm the genius on cleveland
street ♪
>> What a wonderful honor.
No mistake, right?
Check the envelope.
Okay.
♪ A taste of victory, so sweet ♪
I'd like to thank my wife and
children.
I'd like to thank them but they
had nothing to do with it.
♪ Now watch it ignite this
little light of mine
let it shine ♪
♪ ♪
♪ the genius on cleveland street
how can any man compete? ♪
♪ With a downstage, big brass
front page, first class
clear cut, red hot
"look what I got" award? ♪
♪ He won a major award
he won a major award
yes, it's a true scholastic,
careful, it's plastic ♪
♪ award ♪
♪ who'd have guessed
he got every answer correct?
I did it ♪
♪ so impressed he's a man
you gotta respect ♪
♪ so come and meet
the genius on cleveland street
I won a major award
he won a major award ♪
♪ I won a major award
a major award
a major award ♪
♪♪
>> The leg lamp major award
earned the place as a major part
of christmas culture.
It came as no surprise that zach
woodley made the leg lamp extra
special consideration with a
production number and the live
leg lamp kick live.
"A christmas story live" will be
back after these messages.
♪ We wish you
a merry christmas
we wish you
a merry christmas ♪
♪ we wish you
a merry christmas
and a happy new year ♪
>> Narrator: Needless to say,
our new leg lamp was the number
one topic of conversation in the
neighborhood.
Despite my mother's futile
protestations of the glowing
electric sex display, the old
man was resolute in keeping his
symbol of newfound self-esteem
in the front window for all to
see.
>> Come on, everybody.
If we don't hurry, all the trees
will be gone.
Shut up, you gardingle dogs!
All right, what's the hold up?
>> I'm coming!
I'm coming.
>> Come on, let's go.
>> I forgot -- my -- my purse.
>> I get to pick out the tree
this time.
>> You got to pick out the tree
last time.
>> Did not.
>> Did, too.
>> Did not.
>> Did, too.
>> Did not.
>> Did, too.
>> Did not.
>> Did, too.
>> Shut up!
We will all pick out the tree
together.
And if it's the one I like,
we'll get it.
Hey, who turned off the lamp?
>> We don't want to miss out on
all the good trees, do we, dear?
>> Yeah, come on, dad.
Let's go.
>> And we don't want to waste
electricity.
Do we, dear?
>> Come on, dad.
>> All right, in the car, in the
car.
Don't forget your -- get your
fingers caught.
Come on!
Yuletide trees awaits!
>> Narrator: And so my mother
had executed another brilliant
maneuver in the legendary battle
of the lamp.
The epic struggle which became
part of the folklore of
cleveland street, all of it
fought over the soft, erotic
glow emanating from our front
window.
>> Aw, man, the leg lamp isn't
on.
>> The what?
>> The sexy lamp in ralphie's
window.
>> Sexy? What are you --
sweetheart, avert your gaze.
>> Avert my what?
>> Don't look, it'll scar you
for life.
Imagine, fishnets.
>> Aren't those for catching
fish?
>> They're for catching
something.
>> Nope, nope, nope.
>> Honey, do you have to be
quite so picky?
>> It's crazy not to consider
all your options before you make
a major commitment.
>> You sound just like my
mother.
>> You folks looking for a tree?
Well, you're in luck.
Here at tip top trees, we've got
hundreds of trees to choose
from -- tall trees, short trees,
green trees, pastries -- little
tree humor.
This is the christmas tree
emporium of the entire upper
midwest.
>> Uh-huh.
>> I also sell used cars.
Are you interested in --
>> no.
>> So, what will it take for me
to put a tree in your house
today?
>> Well, it can't be too
expensive.
>> Oh, I guess you don't want
santa to come.
Let's see what I have for people
who hate christmas.
>> Come on, dad.
>> Just show us what you've got.
>> Look at this beauty here.
Trunk holds a gallon of water,
no refilling.
It's the cadillac of christmas
trees.
>> It's a little skimpy in the
front.
>> That's the back.
Common mistake.
Don't be embarrassed.
No?
I'm not embarrassed.
>> Okay. No.
>> No.
>> Let's try this one over here.
This one practically screams
"tree!"
See -- tree.
Hear it?
Tree!
Look at me, i'm a tree, baby!
It's screaming so loud i'm going
deaf.
>> It looks dead.
>> What?
I can't hear you.
>> I said, it looks dead!
>> Just testing you.
I can see you're the smart one.
Get out of here, deadwood.
>> Haven't you got a big tree?
You know, big?
>> Okay, look, christmas calls
and I got trees to move.
How about this one and I knock
off five bucks?
>> I don't know, that fella down
the street just bought one of
those brand new, plastic trees.
>> I suppose you'll give santa
plastic cookies, too.
>> Please, dad?
>> I'll tie it to the roof of
your car and throw in the rope
for free.
>> Deal.
It's the olds right over there.
See that, boys?
That's how you buy a tree.
>> Are you sure I can't interest
you in --
>> no.
♪ Joy to the world
joy to the world
let earth receive her king ♪
♪ let every heart
prepare him room ♪
♪ and heaven and nature sing
and heaven and nature sing
and heaven
and heaven and nature sing ♪
♪ we'll brave
the bitter weather
'cause it all
comes down to christmas ♪
♪ and make it
through together
'cause it all
comes down to christmas ♪
♪ we've got one shot
and it's only
12 days away.
♪ We have to hurry up
'cause it all
comes down to christmas ♪
>> Oh, flibberdygibbit!
Mucker-rucker!
Corn doodle-doo.
>> What is it, dear?
>> Nobody move.
We have a flat.
>> Again?
>> Right front this time.
Yep, right front.
I'll get the jack and change it.
>> Narrator: My old man's tires
were actually only tires in the
academic sense.
They were round and made of
rubber, but there was so little
tread, you could read the want
ads of the tribune right through
them.
Actually, my old man loved it.
He always saw himself in a pit
at the indianapolis 500.
Are you sure you don't need any
help?
>> I can do this.
All of you, stay in the car.
Don't want it falling on anybody
in case the jack fails.
Four minutes. Time me. Go.
>> Ralphie, go help your father
change the tire.
>> Really? Can I?
>> Yes. Watch the traffic.
>> Narrator: It was the first
time it had been suggested that
I help my father with anything.
>> What are you doing?
>> Mom said I should help.
>> Oh, yeah?
Okay, get over here and hold
this hubcap.
No, not that way.
Hold it steady, like this.
Now, i'm gonna put the lug nuts
move.
>> Okay.
This is fun.
>> It is?
News to me.
>> Maybe we could do things like
this more often.
>> That's all I need, more
things like this to deal with.
Darn it!
Hold still.
>> Okay.
I mean, doing stuff, just you
and me.
Like, I don't know, let's say,
target practice.
>> Target practice?
With what?
>> Well, now that you ask.
>> Ralphie, darn it, i'm telling
you, don't move.
>> Narrator: I realized that
when my father said, "don't
move," what he really meant was,
"don't breathe."
>> Consarn it, crick in my knee.
>> Narrator: For one brief
moment, I saw all the bolts
silhouetted against the moonlit
sky.
And then they were gone.
I lost all sense of where I was
and who I was with.
>> Ooh, fudge.
>> Narrator: But I didn't say,
"fudge."
I said the word.
The big one, the queen mother of
dirty words -- the
f-dash-dash-dash word.
I had broken the number one
verboten rule.
I was awfully young to die.
>> What did you say?
That's what I thought you said.
Get in the car. Go on.
>> Narrator: I thought about how
sad randy would be not having a
brother anymore.
Or would he be happy to get our
room all to himself?
Yeah, I bet he would.
I decided, thanks a lot, randy.
I decided to come back as a
ghost and make them feel bad.
>> Eight minutes.
>> Do you know what your son
just said?
>> No, what did he say?
>> Oh, i'm gonna tell you what
he said.
Randy!
He said --
♪ ♪
>> Oh!
>> Ralphie!
>> What is that?
>> I believe it is the sound of
a mother's heart breaking.
I know from this sound.
This is a sound with which I am
well acquainted.
>> Is this because I failed that
spelling test?
>> Please, my heart is broken
enough.
>> The words were hard.
"Believe" and "receive."
>> "I" before "e" except after
"c."
We went over it a thousand
times.
I held you in my arms and we
cried about it and you still got
it wrong.
>> I'm sorry, mom.
>> That's all right.
It's my fault.
>> How is it your fault?
>> How is it not?
>>> Get in the house!
Get in the house!
>> Narrator: It was all over.
I was dead.
What would it be?
The guillotine, a hanging, the
chair, the rack, water torture?
No.
Mere child's play compared to
what was in store for me.
My crime was so egregious that
it demanded more than
punishment.
No, my verbal lapse of decorum
needed to be literally washed
away.
I had become quite a connoisseur
of soap.
My personal preference was for
lux, but I found that palmolive
was quite piquant with just a
touch of mellow smoothness.
Lifebuoy, on the other hand --
>> yuck.
>> All right.
Where did you hear that word?
>> Narrator: Is she kidding me?
I'd heard that word at least
12 times a day from my old man.
My father worked in profanity
the way other artists might work
in oils or clay.
It was his true medium.
But I chickened out.
>> Are you ready to tell me?
What?
>> Schwartz.
>> Oh, I see.
>> Hello?
>> Hello, mrs. Schwartz?
This is mrs. Parker.
>> Hello, mrs. Parker, how are
you?
>> I'm fine.
Mrs. Schwartz, you'll never
guess what ralphie just said.
>> Try me.
>> He said --
>> oh, no, not that!
>> Yes, that.
And do you know where he heard
it?
>> Probably from his father.
>> No, he heard it from your
son.
>> What? What, what, what?
>> Mom? What's the matter?
>> You!
>> What?
>> Get over here!
>> Ah!
>> Narrator: I'd committed a
grave offense and falsely
implicated a friend.
Maybe I didn't deserve any
tinker toys, let alone -- you
know what.
My christmas dream was quickly
becoming a nightmare.
♪ Good-bye red ryder
my dream is over
dying
dead ♪
♪ there's no way
i'll get that gun when
I just said that word I said ♪
♪ it's a disaster
there's nothing worse
'cause christmas doesn't come
for little kiddies who curse ♪
♪ this year
how 'bout
a big lump of coal? ♪
♪ This year
no pretty present
from the north pole ♪
♪ there's not enough time
there's not enough time
there's not enough time ♪
♪ you can't say
something rotten 'cause
it all comes down to christmas
oh, this won't be forgotten ♪
♪ and it all
comes down to christmas ♪
♪ i've got one shot
and i'm watching it slip away ♪
♪ and now you have to
pay the price by
having the most ♪
♪ lousy, lonely
dreadful, dreary
horrid, hellish
wretched, ruined ♪
♪ christmas day! ♪
>>> When the director took his
twin children to their first
broadway store.
He took them to "at christmas
story."
Little did he know it would land
him here working side by side
with award-winning live
television director.
Stay tuned for more from "a
christmas story live."
>>> Narrator: I felt terrible
about blaming schwartz for my
verbal indiscretion, and I
figured I had to make things
right with my friend if I was
ever going to get my red ryder.
I think I believed in karma.
>> Hello, ralphie.
>> Hello, mrs. Schwartz.
How are you this evening?
>> Goodness, you're so polite.
What's wrong?
>> I would like to talk to
schwartz, if I could.
>> Sure, come in.
Other people's houses smelled a
little bit different.
I love the smell of the
schwartz's house.
>> Now, why do you call him
schwartz?
He's got a perfectly good first
name. It's --
>> ma! Don't!
>> There you are.
Ralphie's here.
Oh! The blintzes!
>> Hey, schwartz.
>> Hey, ralphie.
>> I'm sorry I told my mom I
learned that word from you.
I didn't think she'd tell your
mom.
>> Yeah, well, she did.
My mom was awful sore.
And now I am.
>> Hold on a minute.
>> I thought you were in the
kitchen.
>> A mother is everywhere at all
times.
Ralphie, are you saying schwartz
didn't say that word?
>> Not that time.
>> See?
I got punished for nothing.
>> Well, we'll just count that
punishment toward the time you
did say it.
It was good of you to apologize,
ralphie, but you should have
told your mother the truth in
the first place.
>> But then i'd never get what I
want for christmas, and that's
the only thing that matters to
me in the entire universe.
>> Is that so?
>> As it is, it would take a
miracle.
>> Well, you're in luck, this is
the time of year when miracles
happen.
Tonight is the sixth night of
hanukkah!
>> Hanukkah?
>> Hanukkah is when we remember
how a small amount of oil was
enough to keep a lamp burning
for eight full days.
>> That's electric.
>> You want us to burn the house
down?
Ralphie i'm telling you, you
must never lose hope.
Take it from me, I should know.
♪♪
♪ at christmastime
when you're a jew
it's easy to feel
kinda blue ♪
♪ with everyone
reminding you
you're different
from the rest ♪
>> Well, different is better.
♪ So they can keep their
christmas trees
our lawns need no nativities ♪
♪ we got matzoh balls and
the maccabees ♪
♪ who could be depressed?
Hanukkah is here
it reminds us ev'ry year ♪
♪ that when your days
are growing dim
a light just might appear
so you're in luck my dear ♪
♪ 'cause if you're in
the market for a miracle
one is headin' right to ya
so somebody say hallelujah ♪
♪ just take your tush and
park it for a miracle
slap a happy smile
on that face ♪
♪ 'cause if you're in
the market for a miracle
you came to the right
place ♪
>> The feingolds know what i'm
talking about!
♪ So throw some latkes on
your plate
come stuff yourself and
celebrate ♪
♪ I think ev'ry jew in
this whole state
is here inside our home ♪
>> L'chaim!
♪ There's no need to be
concerned
just think how long that
oil burned ♪
♪ there are miracles
or so i've learned
at temple beth shalom ♪
>> Very good!
♪ Endlessly they shine
sending us a sign ♪
♪ and if you get stuck with a
crummy gift he'll give you one
of his ♪
>> Mom?
♪ He'll give you one of his ♪
>> But mom, that's --
>> what did I say about
generosity?
>> I'll give you one of mine!
>> Yes!
♪ If you're in the
market for a miracle ♪
♪ we're servin' all you can
handle
it starts by grabbin' a candle ♪
♪ light it up and spark it
for a miracle
tell you what i'll cut
right to the chase ♪
♪ if you're in the
market for a miracle
you came to the right place ♪
>> Come on, everybody!
♪ Lai, dai, dai
dai dai dai dai dai dai
dai dai dai ♪
>> You know that jesus was
jewish?
♪ Lai dai dai
dai dai dai dai dai dai ♪
♪ raise a glass to
the israelites
livin' it up for
eight crazy nights ♪
♪ you wanna stick with me
if you're in the
market for a miracle
you're about to be blessed ♪
♪ just trust
a jewish mother knows best
when you're in the dark
it takes a miracle ♪
♪ ralphie, baby, lemme
rest my case
if you're in the market ♪
♪ c'mon take your tush
and park it ♪
♪ 'cause if you're in
the market for a miracle
you came to the right place ♪
>> So, ralphie, what is that
present you want so bad?
>> An official red ryder
carbine-action 200-shot range
model air rifle.
>> Are you meshugenah?
You'll shoot your eye out.
>> What?
No!
♪ Lai dai dai
dai dai dai dai dai dai
dai dai dai ♪
♪ dai dai dai dai
dai dai dai
lai dai dai ♪
♪ dai dai dai
dai dai dai ♪
>> Hey!
>> "I" before "e," except after
"c."
When will they ever learn?
>> Mary beth, why aren't you
outside enjoying recess?
>> Oh, miss shields, I have all
my christmas letters to write.
I write a special message to
every one of my friends and
relatives and i've just got to
get them all out on time!
>> Oh, mary beth, a child your
age shouldn't spend recess
hunched over a desk getting
writer's cramp.
>> I shouldn't?
>> Of course not.
I'll teach you how to type!
>> Schwartz's mom heard you
apologize?
>> She did.
>> Aw, man.
That's the worst.
>> Well, it's over.
So I guess we're even now, huh?
>> I don't know.
I'll think about it.
>> Narrator: Apology or no
apology, after the lifebuoy soap
debacle, my fate rested on a
good grade from miss shields and
and keeping my nose clean until
christmas.
I would be severely challenged
by an episode that would become
legend at the warren g. Harding
elementary school.
>> All right.
Here's the flagpole.
Why don't you put your tongue on
it?
>> I don't think that's a good
idea.
>> Stay out of this, ralphie.
Go on, flick.
I double dare you.
>> Narrator: The exact exchange
and nuance of phrase in this
ritual is very important.
>> You kiddin'?
Stick my tongue to that stupid
pole.
That's dumb.
>> That's cause you know it'll
stick.
>> You're full of it.
>> Oh, yeah?
>> Yeah.
I double dog dare you!
A double-dog dare.
What else was left but a
triple-dare-you and the final
coup de grace of all dares --
the sinister triple-dog dare.
>> I triple-dog dare you.
[ Gasps ]
>> Narrator: Schwartz created a
slight breach of etiquette by
skipping the triple-dare and
going right for the throat.
>> Well, it seems we got a
little situation well, it seems
like things are escalatin' quick
this unprecedented move to skip
the triple just to prove just
how sure he is that somethin's
gonna stick --
>> all right.
All right.
>> Well, go on, smart [ Bleep ],
and do it.
>> I'm goin', i'm goin'.
>> Narrator: Flick's spine
stiffened.
His lips curled in a defiant
sneer.
There was no going back now.
♪ ♪
>> This is nothin'.
Stuck -- stuck --
stuck?
I'm stuck!
>> What did he say?
>> Jeez, it really worked!
>> Schwartz's old man was right!
>> Told ya!
>> Well, I can't believe that
actually just happened --
>> he's as good as glued as far
as I can tell --
>> oh my goodness!
>> Holy cow.
>> Hey guys, what do we do now?
>> Yeah, i'm pretty sure that
this will not end well --
>> hey, fellas, help me.
Come on!
>> What are we going to do?
>> The bell rang.
We've gotta go back in.
>> But what are we going to do?
>> Well it's a sticky, sticky,
sticky situation.
The stickiest there might have
ever been --
>> with his lips turnin' blue --
>> what are we gonna do with
this sticky situation that we're
in?
>> Narrator: The horns of a
dilemma.
Good little boys who were on
time for class got the best
presents on christmas.
But bad little boys who got
caught triple-dog daring their
friends to stick their tongues
to a flagpole?
Well, what would you do?
>> Let's go!
>> Come on!
>> Don't leave me, come back!
Come back!
>> Nancy.
Charlie.
Richie.
Esther.
Jane.
Flick.
Where's flick?
Has anyone seen flick?
He was at recess, wasn't he?
Yes, he was, i'm sure I saw him.
Why is no one speaking up?
Is someone playing a trick on
me?
Because I don't like tricks.
Or surprises.
Unless someone tells me ahead of
time how i'm going to be
surprised.
>> Ralphie, do you know where
flick is?
>> Flick?
Flick who?
>> Narrator: When you're tossed
into a cross-examination gotta
pick an explanation to provide
so you rapidly invent an excuse
for where he went --
>> he was kidnapped!
>> He forgot his lunch.
>> He died.
>> Class.
What's going on here?
>> Well you can't confess a
thing or you'll get busted if
you're caught, they'll cart you
off to county jail.
♪ And then once you're
locked away
you'll find out on
christmas day ♪
♪ santa doesn't read a
convicted felon's mail ♪
♪ well, it's a sticky
sticky, sticky situation
just hopin' for a sudden
stroke of luck ♪
♪ 'cause from this
point of view
what are we gonna do ♪
♪ in a sticky situation
feelin' stuck --
>> now i'm going to ask one more
time.
Has anyone seen --?
Yes, esther jane.
>> Oh, my lord!
♪ ♪
♪ sticky, sticky
sticky, sticky
it's a sticky, sticky
sticky, sticky ♪
♪ sticky, sticky
sticky situation
>> narrator: Don't worry, son,
it'll all be over soon.
>> Ovuyour honorh?
>>> Now I know some of you put
flick up to this.
But those who did know their
blame.
And i'm sure the guilt is far
worse than any punishment you
might receive.
>> Narrator: Adults loved to say
things like that.
But kids know better.
We know darn well it's always
better not to get caught.
>> Still, I need to know.
>> Quiet.
Mr. Flick, would you care to
tell me who induced you to
attach your tongue to the
flagpole?
>> Ah pwee da fif.
>> I beg your pardon?
>> He pleads the fifth!
>> Oh!
You remember last week's lesson
on the bill of rights!
I am a good teacher!
>> I suppose we might as well
get back to work.
>> Sorry, flick.
>> Inh okeh.
>> Narrator: Love might mean
never having to say you're
sorry, but friendship requires
it now and again.
>> Now, class, I have graded
your christmas themes.
>> I'm pleased.
They were generally pretty good
except for the margins.
Look at your own book, only.
>> Narrator: I held my breath as
I stared at the paper.
I imagined miss shields was
restraining her verbal praise of
my theme in deference to the
ordinary intelligence of my
classmates.
I was sure the multiple plusses
were fairly dripping to the
floor.
>> Narrator: But there was only
one plus!
>> C-plus?
>> Lunch!
>> A c-plus?
>> Narrator: Along with a note
at the bottom!
P.S. You'll shoot your eye out.
>> Oh, noooo!
>> C plus!
C plus!
Not an a, not a b, but a c plus!
The boss isn't happy, she isn't
impressed your report came up
short so you failed the test
ralphie you're done that's a
fact --
>> so give up the gun or you're
gonna get whacked!
The bring ralphie to a back
door, which schwartz opens from
the other side.
>> What's the password?
>> Tomato?
>> Tomahto.
>> Meet the gal who makes the
grade here she comes to serenade
who can face the power she
wields?
>> Ladies and gentlemen, miss
shields!
"You'll shoot your eye out!"
>> Your theme was good for a
laugh, you'll shoot your eye
out.
You're barely nine and a half!
You'll shoot your eye out.
>> Seems like your big dreams
oughta be left on the shelf.
Why aim for the sky?
If you're not careful, kid,
you'll shoot yourself!
I hate to spoil the fun with
"you'll shoot your eye out," but
hon, start kissin' that gun
goodbye well, shoot, it's cute
that you desire it, but the
moment that you fire it, you'll
shoot your eye out!
I'm sure you're sick of my
spiel, but a-da-ba-da-ba-doo
you'll shoot your eye out!
You'll shoot your eye out!
And though you gave it a real
good try I bet that you'd regret
lettin' a little bullet crack
your retina, you'll shoot your
eye out.
You'll shoot your eye out.
♪ ♪
♪ you'll shoot your eye out ♪
Hey!
♪ ♪
>> Hi ladies.
>> Hiiiii.
>> These are my boys.
>> Hey!
♪ ♪
Hey!
♪ ♪
>> Here's to the dunce of the
class --
>> you'll shoot your eye out!
>> Hey ralph, we're raisin' our
glasses high!
Now I can tell this tune's
depressin you, but i'm spelling
out a lesson you need to be
taught it's gotta get through --
>> they wont give a gun to a
shrimp like you --
>> it's time to give up 'cause
teacher knows best.
>> You're the wimpiest kid in
the whole midwest --
>> you can cry you can pout i'm
telling you kid that there's no
doubt you'll shoot your eye out!
>> One!
Two!
Three!
Four!
Kids from all over the u.S.
Rehearsed for nine weeks.
We even had teachers on set so
we didn't miss any school.
>> They worked so hard.
I can't wait for everyone to see
the hard work they put in.
It's great I get to perform my
number with them.
"A christmas story live" will be
back after these messages.
>>> Narrator: I spent some long,
frustrating days with miss
shields's words still ringing in
my ears.
You'll shoot your eye out!
Why was everyone so concerned
with my eyesight?
Maybe because of those big
glasses I always wore.
God, I hated them.
>> Aah!
>> What's the matter, randy?
>> You-know-who is coming!
>> Narrator: Ah, the venomous
vipers of the jungle appear once
again.
Farkus makes a scary animal
stop scaring my brother.
>> What did you say, jerk?
>> Uh-oh.
>> Come here and say it to my
face.
Hey, parker, when I tell you to
come here, you better come here.
>> Better do what he says,
ralphie boy!
>> Come on, ralphie, let's run
home.
>> Yeah, ralphie, let's get
outta here.
>> Huwwy.
>> Narrator: But sometimes in
this wild wilderness, there
emerges a small red demon, a
beady-eyed carnivore, an insane
little beast that, on rare
occasion, inhabits us all.
>> Come on, four-eyes.
What, you goin' to cry?
>> You goin' to cry?
>> Come on cry!
Cry baby!
Cry!
>> Cry baby!
>> Cry!
>> Narrator: And on that day, at
that moment, the demon not only
inhabited me, it consumed me.
It possessed me. I threw myself
at the tormentor with a strength
i'd never known.
>> Ayour honorhh!
Golbuster balfaddle fulfuse
flappermap!
>> Ralphie, stop it!
You're going to kill him.
>> Stick-a-lick-a, mac-a-lack-a!
>> Hey!
Get off of him!
>> Mom!
Mom!
You gotta come quick!
>> Narrator: I had no idea I had
it in me.
Confaluted frazzle-baster
pena-lotta corn doodle do!
By now, I was beyond profanity.
I was speaking in tongues!
He-bee, je-bee!
Arkanoble!
Umlay, umlay, umlay!
Glockenspeilia cheriberium
eglottal eglottal eglottal
splid!
Corn doodle do!
>> Ralphie!
Stop it!
Somebody -- boys!
Help me get him off.
You almost broke your glasses!
Give them to me, you're crying
anyway.
>> How'd she get here so fast?
>> These mothers.
They're everywhere.
>> Way to go, parker!
>> Hooray for ralphie!
>> Yay!
Hooray!
Go, ralphie!
>> Kids!
That's enough of that.
>> But that was scut farkus.
Ralphie showed scut farkus who's
boss!
>> Who's scut farkus?
>> He's a big bully.
>> Really?
Well in that case --
now all of you go home.
And have a merry christmas.
>> Do you believe that?
>> Ralphie beat the crap out of
scut farkus.
>> I never thought it would
happen.
Especially by parker.
>> He tore right into him.
>> I think that's the last we'll
see of farkus for a while.
And dill, too.
>> Ralphie's old man is gonna
kill him.
>> Yeah, but what a way to go!
He will live on as a hero to
wimps everywhere.
>> Ralphie parker.
A wimp for all times.
>> He makes me proud to be a
wimp.
>> Amen!
♪♪
♪ when you're a wimp
you patiently wait
for the day ♪
♪ when the tables have
turned
and you're makin' 'em pay ♪
♪ today you are livin'
the dream
watch him pummel those punks
while they scream ♪
♪ yeah you're ten times
as tough as you seem
when you're a wimp
when you're a wimp ♪
♪ don't mess with a wimp
>> no more farkus!
>> Narrator: I had won.
I had pummeled farkus and sent
--
disappointed my mother, losing
any chance of procuring the
coveted christmas gift.
>> Settle down, ralphie.
Just settle down.
>> Narrator: Surely the fight
and the profanity had sealed my
fate, especially when the old
man found out.
>> It's gonna be okay.
It's all going to be fine.
♪♪
♪ catch your breath and
look around
there's no monster
waiting by ♪
♪ nothing's crumbling
to the ground
nothing's tumbling
from the sky ♪
♪ notice how the world
keeps turning
life goes on ♪
♪ a moment comes
a moment goes
and just like that
the moment's gone ♪
♪ if you slip and
scrape your knee,
think it's never
gonna heal ♪
♪ in a day or two
you see it's just
not that big a deal ♪
♪ and you're back to
jumping, laughing
you've moved on ♪
♪ the moment comes
the moment goes
and just like that
the moment's gone ♪
>> Now go splash some cold water
on your face.
>> Randy?
Randy?
What's the matter?
What'cha crying for?
Can I come in?
>> Uh-huh.
>> What's the matter?
>> Daddy's gonna kill ralphie!
>> No, he's not.
I promise you daddy is not going
to kill anyone.
You want some milk?
>> Uh-huh.
>> You would?
Oh, randy.
♪ All these crazy moments
flicker past
and they're gone ♪
♪ crazy, messy moments
yet you try to hold on ♪
♪ 'cause they pass you
in an instant
pass you by so fast ♪
♪ don't forget to remember
these moments never last ♪
>> Narrator: Oh, no!
[ Dogs barking ]
The old man was home.
I'd be drawn and quartered when
he found out about the fight.
>> Get away, you mangy
malfroggin' mutts!
Shoo!
>> Hello, dear.
How was your day?
>> Aw, the bears say they're
going to start bulholtz this
sunday.
The worst quarterback in the --
where's your glasses?
Did you lose your glasses again?
>> I --
I --
>> ralphie, here are your
glasses.
You left them on the radio.
Don't you do that again.
>> So, what happened today?
What did I miss?
>> I don't know.
Not much.
Ralphie got into a fight.
>> Fight?
What kind of fight?
>> Oh, it was --e oh, you know
how boys are --
it wasn't much.
I gave him a talking to --
you say the bears are starting
bulholtz this sunday?
>> Yeah.
Yeah, I didn't know you paid any
attention to football.
>> Why don't you go to the game?
Take ralphie with you.
>> Maybe I will.
Maybe I will.
Though we'll probably freeze our
keesters off.
>> I don't mind.
>> That reminds me.
I need to put some more
antifreeze in the olds.
>> Narrator: I couldn't believe
my ears.
Perhaps I was not about to be
destroyed after all.
I don't know how she did it.
♪ Notice how the world
keeps turning
life goes on ♪
>> Narrator: From then on,
things were different between my
mother and me.
♪ And just like that
the moment's gone ♪
>> Narrator: I'll never know
exactly how she made everything
okay, but she always did.
Maybe it was simply that she was
a master of distraction.
>> Randy, remember how little
piggies eat?
>> We did that already.
>> Yes, but did you know that
santa keeps track?
He doesn't like it when little
boys don't eat.
>> He's too busy to keep track.
>> Santa's never too busy,
randy.
The north pole is a smooth
operation.
>> But he's not at the north
pole tonight.
He's at higbee's.
>> Ooh, that's right!
>> Let's go, let's go.
>> Frank!
>> Let's go, let's go!
The man with the beard!
>> Narrator: And just like that,
I began to realize that all was
not lost.
There was one last hope, right
downtown at higbee's department
store.
I would have to go to the
source.
The man in the red hat!
Gotta find a way to get to santa
♪ got to find a way to get santa
to tell him clearly and he'll
hear me ♪
♪ he's the one get the red rider
carbinebb gun.
>> Let's go!
♪♪
>>> Catch the season spirit at
to keep the authentic 1940s look
we got a 1937 oldsmobile that
was used in the set.
And 1940 pontiac silver streak.
Stick around "a christmas story
live" will return.
>>> Catch the season spirit at
higbee's!
>> Higbee's!
>> Christmas cheer is here to
stay we've stocked the shelves
with tons of toys to take your
breath away hah!
Hah!
Come explore all that and more
>> okay, boys and girls, don't
forget to visit the man of the
hour, here to make all your
christmas wishes come true.
Direct from the north pole, the
man who gets paid more than we
do even though he gets to sit
down the whole time, santa
claus!
>> Ooh, yay, santa, he's the
only one we care about.
>> You're pretty tall to be an
elf.
>> Is that so?
Well, you're pretty short to be
a professional basketball player
but I would never just walk up
to you and say that because I
don't know you.
I wouldn't do that because I am
a happy elf filled with love and
christmas cheer, not some
spoiled little person who
tramples on people's hopes and
dreams.
Merry christmas!
>> Mom!
>> That's right kid, go run to
your mommy.
Hey, look, there's santa claus!
>> Ho ho ho!
>> Stay.
Fred the elf joins santa.
>> Man, this is one sorry
looking bunch.
I guess all the other families
know how to work a to-do list so
they're not here at the last
minute.
I guess that's too much to ask
of these folks right here.
>> That chair looks comfortable.
>> It is.
All right, let's get this over
with.
>> Listen kid, we got a lot to
do and we're not about to wait
for you on santa's lap mary beth
>> it's about time --
>> oh, you hear that, this one
has things to do, places to be.
>> Yes, we're all expecting big
things from her.
>> I'll be the judge of that.
>> All right, what'll it be?
Tinker toys, x-ray glasses, a
teddy bear, a monopoly set.
>> Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you getting me?
>> Excuse me?
>> You just take take take.
Did you ever think of my needs?
>> You're santa.
>> Oh, you noticed.
>> So selfish.
>> Can I just get a collie named
fluffy?
>> I'll think about it.
>> Next victim.
>> Up on santa's lap higbee
better pay us overtime for the
little freaks who come to climb
on santa's lap --
>> oh, look at this one.
>> Be sensitive, santa.
>> I'm always sensitive!
What can I do for you?
>> I like you, santa.
I like you, santa.
Ahh.
Yes.
>> We got a wet one!
Someone get him off me!
Now!
And get me a towel!
>> Santa!
Santa!
>> I'm not your imaginary
friend.
I've got my limits.
>> What will I tell him?
>> Can't wait to smell him --
>> what is he like?
>> I want a new bike but how
should I ask for it --
>> could you move up a bit?
>> What is he thinking?
>> What is he drinking?
>> Merry christmas!
>> Who knows what he might pull
out of that bright red cap!
>> He can make your christmas
dreams come true.
>> Which is something that he'll
never do
♪ ♪
The parker boys were next in
line at the top of mount
olympus.
[ Yelling ]
♪♪
>> Up on santa's lap --
>> what's your name, little boy?
>> Come on, kid.
Come on.
>> Store's nearly closing.
>> What do you want for
christmas?
>> Narrator: My mind had gone
blank.
I was blowing it.
Blowing it!
>> Come on.
>> What about a nice football?
>> Narrator: Football?
Football?
What's a football?
Without conscious will, my voice
squeaked out --
>> football.
>> Okay, get him a football and
get him outta here.
>> Narrator: A football?
Oh, no!
What was I doing?
Wake up, stupid, wake up!
>> No!
♪♪
No!
I want an official red ryder
carbine-action 200-shot range
model air rifle!
>> You'll shoot your eye out,
kid.
Ho, ho, ho!
♪♪
>> Noooooooooo!
♪ Up on santa's lap, kinda
crumby that you got the boot now
we're closing and you have to
scoot!
♪ Have a nice christmas
up on santa's lap ♪
♪♪
>> Sad to say that's all the
time we got 'cause you only ever
get one shot --
>> you only get one shot you
only get one shot --
on santa's lap --
>> I love this job.
♪♪
>> It took a little more than
christmas magic and a lot of
elves.
Emmy award winning set designer
recreated the classic scenes
from the movie.
He made it winter time in
burbank, california.
That's what I call a cool
christmas miracle.
"A christmas story live"
continues.
>>> Narrator: Despite my
near-debacle with santa and the
elves at higbee's, I had managed
to at least log my air rifle
request with the big man.
Who knows?
Maybe i'd get the air rifle and
a football.
>> Make way, it's coming in for
a landing.
>> What are you doing?
>> I'm making room for the
zeppelin i'm getting for
christmas.
It's going to light up and make
noise.
>> Does it have a thing that
tells time?
>> No.
>> That's okay.
The red ryder has a thing that
tells time.
>> Can I look at it?
>> If you're good.
Sure.
>> Narrator: It was christmas
eve.
I had renewed reason for
optimism.
Santa was on the case.
But, of course, that's always
the moment when life plays
tricks on you.
Cruel, unexpected tricks.
♪♪
I'll never forget that sound.
>> Oh, dear.
>> What broke?
What happened?
What broke?
>> Narrator: At that moment, the
old man knew.
A thing he'd feared from the
very first day had come to pass.
>> The lamp.
>> You were always jealous of
this lamp.
>> Jealous?
Of a plastic leg?
>> You were jealous because I
won!
>> That's ridiculous!
Jealous!
Jealous of what?
That was the ugliest lamp I ever
saw.
>> Glue.
I need glue.
>> We're out of glue.
>> Aha!
You used up all the glue on
purpose!
>> Randy used it up on a school
project.
I haven't had a chance to buy
any more.
>> Then I shall buy some.
>> At six o'clock on christmas
eve?
>> I'll find some, somewhere.
And don't touch that lamp.
>> I've never wanted to touch
that lamp.
>> Well, you certainly touched
it tonight, didn't you?!
Not a finger!
>> Boys, i'm going next door to
mrs.
Cartwright's for a little while.
Randy, your dinner is still on
the table.
You're the only one who didn't
finish eating.
Can't you ever just do what I
say?
>> Nothing like this ever
happened before.
>> Maybe we can do something.
>> What?
>> To put everything back
together.
>> How?
♪♪
>> Grab that piece from the
floor.
Fix it up like before take the
knee.
Wait, lift it higher.
>> He'll forget that it broke.
>> There we go.
>> Is that smoke?
>> Oh, my gosh!
>> It smells like fire!
>> Ah!
>> Here, take the heel of the
shoe.
>> We're out of luck without
glue.
>> So, try again.
>> Nothing fits.
>> This might work.
>> Call it quits.
What's the point?
>> Just do the best we can --
>> before the old man comes
home.
>> There.
>> Not bad.
>> And there oughta be something
we can do to make mom feel
better, too.
>> Like what?
>> Well, for one thing, you
could start eating your food
without all that little piggy
stuff.
>> Aw --
>> she'll come back, see your
plate, won't believe that you
ate.
Try to swallow just one carrot.
>> I don't know if I can.
>> Open up, be a man.
>> It's too much.
>> Then fine, we'll share it.
Hey, if you just take a bite
they won't remember their fight.
>> Alright.
>> Force it down, really quick.
>> I think i'm --
getting sick.
>> This could work!
>> We need a better plan.
>> Before the old man comes
home.
If he sees that the lamp is on,
if she sees that the food is
gone, maybe then that's when
everything will be ok again.
>> Quick, we gotta hide.
♪♪
E
[ dogs barking ]
>> The old man came home with
five bottles of extra strength
glue.
He worked furiously and futilely
for over an hour.
At least, giving in to the
inevitability that the precious
lamp was lost.
A little after that, our mother
returned.
>> Frank, I just --
>> if I was --
when I said --
>> it's because --
>> how on earth it got this way.
>> When I said -- I was so --
>> and I tried.
>> Yeah, I know.
>> Listen, frank, what I mean to
say.
I'm sorry.
>> I'm sorry, too.
♪♪
>> Narrator: The white flag had
been waved.
The war was over.
Peace had once again returned to
the land.
>> Narrator: With as much
dignity as he could muster, the
old man took what was left of
his major award out into the
backyard.
>> Boys?
Time to get your p.J.S on.
Everything's all right.
It's christmas eve.
>> Narrator: I could never be
sure, but I thought I could
hear --
♪♪
Each song takes us on a musical
playwright there the beloved
scenes from the classic film.
Stay tuned for more from "a
christmas story live."
>> I'd heard a lot of "no" in
the past few weeks, no less than
santa himself.
I listened for some glimmer of
hope.
I knew santa and his reindeer
already left the north pole and
good little boys and girls had
to be asleep when he arrived.
They just had to.
♪ ♪
>> Are you asleep?
>> No.
>> Are you?
>> I don't think so.
♪ ♪
♪ I toss and turn
turn and toss again ♪
♪ I still can't sleep
i'm going to bust ♪
Flip-flop and readjust
something take me away
every year I wait up to hear his
ho ho ho
because I
♪ ♪
♪ I tried real hard to be good
this year
but I made a mistake or two ♪
♪ when I lost my hat
when I killed my cat ♪
♪ ♪
♪ high above the town flying
down on a reindeer
coming into bloomington ♪
We're hovering over indiana
across the whole state ♪
♪ ♪
♪ careful not to hit --
hurry through the worry and get
here pretty quick ♪
♪ ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
>> You would be right saying
it's different from the blood
hounds in the movie.
Our dogs were rescued from
japan.
Everyone knows rescue dogs are
super smart.
Our trainers agree.
The cost couldn't be happier.
And the dogs, well, they found
forever families with their
trainers.
I guess you could say they have
their own christmas story.
Stay tuned for more from "a
christmas story live."
♪ It's christmas
it's christmas
it's christmas day!
♪♪
Hurry up, randy!
Let's go!
Go!
>> Wow!
>> Wow! Look at that!
>> Merry christmas!
>> Hey!
Wow, a fire truck!
That one's mine!
>> Wait for christmas to start,
honey.
>> I wanna play santa!
I wanna play santa!
>> Wait a minute, you played
santa last year.
Ralphie, you play santa!
>> Awww.
>> Ralphie plays santa!
>> Okay.
>> What's in here?!
>> Narrator: He tears open the
present, a small silver airship.
>> Oh, a zeppelin! It's just
what I wanted.
The old man opens a gift.
>> A can of simoniz.
Well, whaddaya know?
>> From me to you.
>> You gave me a blue ball.
A blue bowling ball.
Thank you, my dear.
>> This has to be the box 'cause
it all comes down to christmas.
I can't get stuck with socks
'cause it all comes down to
christmas.
I've got one shot and it's only
one gift away.
It's gotta be.
No!
>> Aunt clara always gives you
the nicest things, ralphie.
Go upstairs and put it on.
>> I don't want to.
>> Go on.
>> Which one's aunt clara?
The one with the mustache?
>> She has a slight mustache,
yes.
She's very nice.
>> She's not nice to me.
I think she used to play
linebacker for the packers.
>> That it not true.
She would make any man very
happy.
>> Hurry up, ralphie, honey!
>> Frank you better not be in
there with that turkey!
>> Frank parker you leave that
turkey alone!
It's not cooked, you'll get
worms.
>> This piece looks cooked.
Mmm -- turkey.
Heaven.
Turkey!
>> Frank!
You put that turkey right back
where you found it.
>> I'm watching.
>> Aye
aye captain.
>> Ralphie, come downstairs and
show us what aunt clara gave
you.
>> I don't want to.
>> Come down here right now and
show us.
She went to all that trouble to
make it.
>> Aw, mom.
>> Come down here.
Come down here!
Come down --
>> oyour honorhh -- that's so
cute.
>> Narrator: My aunt clara had
for years labored under the
delusion that I was not only
perpetually 4 years old, but
also a girl.
>> That's the most precious
thing i've ever seen.
>> Narrator: If flick or
schwartz ever saw me in this, my
life at school would be a
veritable hell.
>> That is so cuuuuuute!
>> Shut up, randy.
>> He looks like a deranged
easter bunny.
>> He does not.
>> He does, too.
He looks like a pink nightmare.
Are you happy wearing that?
>> No.
>> You wanna take it off?
>> Come on, tell the kid to take
it off.
>> Oh, all right, you'll only
wear it when aunt clara visits.
Go on and take it off.
>> Narrator: If you ever have to
spend christmas morning thinking
about the one present you really
wanted but didn't get, and you
find yourself in the depths of
despair, well, then I encourage
you to try spending a few
minutes in a pink bunny suit
that heats up inside to about a
hundred and fifty degrees.
It brings a surprising amount of
perspective.
>> Yes, my dream of a red ryder
bb gun was dashed.
Still, I was with my family on
christmas.
And that was what mattered.
At least that's what I kept
telling myself for the next
several hours.
>> You know, this wine's not
bad.
It isn't good either, but --
>> that's true.
>> You want a taste?
>> Yeah.
>> No, you don't.
>> Did you have a nice
christmas, ralph?
>> Yeah. Pretty nice.
>> Yeah?
Did you get everything you
wanted?
>> Uhn, almost.
>> Almost, huh? Well that's
life.
There's always next christmas --
>> hey, what's that over there?
>> Where?
>> Right over there.
Right there by the table.
I think I see something.
You better go have a look.
♪♪
>> What is it, frank?
>> Shhh.
♪♪
>> An official red ryder range
model carbine-action bb gun!
♪♪
>> With a compass in the stock,
and this thing that tells time!
>> Who put it there?
>> Santa claus.
>> I had one when I was his age.
>> Narrator: Oh, it was
beautiful.
I could hardly wait to try it
out.
>> Come on, i'll show you how to
load it.
>> Can I try it out, mom.
Can I?
But be careful.
I still say those things are
dangerous.
Don't shoot any birds or
animals!
>> Except the bumpus hounds!
>> You may not shoot the bumpus
hounds!
>> Ralphie, c'mere --
♪ you don't need a
steed to be a cowboy
no, you're not a hero
just by galloping off♪
♪ in the sun
what you really need
to be a cowboy
keeping bandits tremblin'
on the run♪
>> Is a red ryder carbine
>> red ryder carbine
>> stock with a compass
>> red ryder carbine action bb
gun!
>> Ralphie to the rescue!
Oh!
♪ Ralphie to the rescue!
Oh!
Firin' fast, he's a
cowboy at last♪
♪ now let her blow
blow, blow♪
>> Ralphie?
>> Ayour honorhh!
>> Oh, my god, I shot my eye
out!
>> Ralphie, you be careful out
there.
Don't shoot your eye out.
>> Narrator: She hadn't seen!
She didn't know!
My eye's all right.
The bb must have hit my glasses.
My glasses!
Oh no!
Where are my glasses?
Few things brought such swift
and terrible retribution on a
kid as a pair of busted glasses!
Oh, no!
Pulverized.
Rapidly my mind devised a
spectacular plot.
It had to work.
Quickly, I whipped up some
tears.
>> Mommy!
>> Ralphie?
What's the matter, baby?
What happened?
She examines his face.
Ralphie improvises through his
tears.
>> There was -- this -- icicle!
>> Icicle?
>> Yeah, an icicle and it fell
off the roof and hit my cheek
and it broke my glasses -- and I
tried to get out of the way --
but I couldn't --
>> ah, lemme see.
It's just a little bump.
You poor thing!
You're lucky it didn't hit your
eye.
Those icicles have been known to
kill people!
>> But what about my glasses?
>> These glasses saved your eye.
I bet you're glad you wear them
now.
>> Narrator: I hadn't thought of
it that way.
>> You can wear the old ones
with the crack in them until we
can get you some new ones.
>> Narrator: I had pulled it
off.
Victory was mine!
>> And I hope you learned your
lesson.
>> Narrator: Lesson?
What!?
You knew the wholetime!
Why didn't I realize that at the
time?
I was too happy, I guess.
Too full of the joy of
christmas.
Yet sometimes, when our joy is
at its zenith, when all is most
right with the world, that's
when the most unthinkable
disasters descend upon us.
>> Hey, is there a breeze in
here?
♪♪
Yep, by golly, someone left the
door ajar.
Hard enough to keep the furnace
working with the doors and
windows shut!
>> Oh, dear!
>> Nooooo!
Shoo!
Git!
Scort!
Bumpus!
>> The bumpus -- the hounds --
the door --
>> oh, no!
>> Bumpus!
You son of a --
>> everyone, back away!
Nothing to see here!
>> Narrator: The heavenly aroma
still hung heavy in the house.
But it was gone -- all gone.
No turkey, no turkey sandwiches,
no turkey salad, no turkey hash,
no turkey nothin'.
And in moments like that,
there's only one thing to do.
>> Get dressed!
We are going out to eat!
>> But everything's closed.
>> Not everything.
>>> Legendary custom designer
created hundreds of costumes for
the cast.
I think it added a real flair to
the show.
Except for the bunny.
"A christmas story live"
continues.
>> Narrator: Now there was only
one place that might possibly be
open on christmas day in hohman,
indiana.
A place we timid culinary souls
had never set foot in before,
that happened to be owned and
operated by our local used car
and christmas tree salesman.
Hohman, indiana was still a very
small town.
>> You sure you don't have
turkey?
>> We have duck.
>> Duck?
>> Duck.
>> Does it taste like turkey?
>> Yes, but it's duck.
And tastes like duck.
>> Do you cook it like turkey?
>> We cook it like duck.
>> Duck?
>> Duck.
>> Goose.
>> All right, we'll give it a
try.
>> Jesse!
Prepare the duck!
>> Looks like we're the only
ones here.
>> No you're not.
We're here every christmas.
We're going to the movies after.
Happy holidays!
>> Happy holidays!
>> Ah!
Here we go.
House specialty.
>> It's -- it's --
>> it's a beautiful duck, it
really is, but you see.
It's smiling at me.
>> Ah.
♪♪
>> How about a christmas carol?
>> Oh, you don't have to.
>> Boys!
♪ Deck the halls with boughs
of holly fa la la la la
la la la la ♪
♪ 'tis the season to be
jolly fa la la la la
la la la la ♪
♪ don we now our gay apparel
fa la la la la
la la la la ♪
♪ troll the ancient yuletide
carol fa la la la la
la la la la ♪
>> Wow.
I wasn't expecting that.
>> What were you expecting?
>> I don't know.
>> That was magnificent.
>> They're all home from
college.
These three are mine.
All ivy league, except bob, who
has a good personality.
>> Congratulations!
>> Isn't this a great country?
>> It is.
It certainly is.
>> Shall we all sing?
>> Why not?
♪ Don we now our gay
apparel fa la la la la
la la la la ♪
♪ troll the ancient
yuletide carol fa la la
la la la la la la ♪
♪♪
>> What a perfect scene on a
christmas night.
So we might be stuck with duck,
but the world's alright.
>> And you have to laugh, it's a
giant mess.
But if no one cried, the old man
or died, both it's a big
success.
>> Right?
>> Right.
This year we nearly went insane.
>> This year we gave up stuffing
for chow mein.
>> Hey!
This is good!
>> Of course.
>> What a christmas story to
behold, a crazy christmas story
to be told.
We got a bird with no head, a
pot fulla tea.
>> What's to be said when you
are here next to me?
>> Yeah.
>> Who could want much more?
Our christmas story.
>> Narrator: That christmas
would live in our memories as
the christmas when we were
introduced to chinese turkey.
Not to mention the joys of a
cappella harmony.
>> I had one big wish the old
man santa somehow knew --
>> right before my eyes --
>> surprise!
>> My wish came true --
>> this year we might not have a
lot --
>> this year i'll tell ya one
both what a christmas story to
behold.
♪♪
A crazy christmas story to be
told.
>> I'll take the cheap christmas
wines.
>> The slush in the street.
>> The crowds and the lines that
make the season complete --
♪♪
>> Who could ask for more?
>> This christmas story.
♪♪
>> Years may pass but still we
will remember, wonder where
we'll be all around our tree.
♪♪
>> Seeing ev'ry girl and boy
with a heart so full of joy.
>> We'll look back someday.
>> From far away.
>> We'll say.
♪♪
♪ what a christmas story
ah ah what a christmas
story what a christmas
story ♪
♪ a crazy christmas story
a crazy story a crazy
christmas story ♪
♪ what a christmas story
to what a christmas story
to behold what a christmas
story to behold behold ♪
♪ what a christmas story
to a crazy christmas story
behold a crazy christmas
story all to be told ♪
>> Narrator: Back in those days
your parents didn't say, "i love
you" very often.
You were there.
They took care of you.
Their job was to raise you.
Your job was to let them.
When they said, "don't run with
scissors," or "button your
coat," or "you'll shoot your eye
out," maybe even they didn't
know it, but that's what it was.
Love.
♪♪
That night, next to me in the
darkness lay my cold blue steel
beauty -- the greatest christmas
gift I had ever received.
Are you kiddin'?
My old man, my dad, gave it to
me.
And my mom let me keep it.
That's why it was the greatest
gift I would ever receive.
>> Narrator: As the excitement
of the day gradually subsided, I
finally drifted off to sleep,
pranging ducks on the wing and
getting off spectacular hip
shots.
♪♪
>> Narrator: Christmas is here,
this calm, quiet night.
It comes once a year, so you
hold on to it tight.
Who could want much more?
A christmas story.
♪♪
Enjoy it, ralphie!
Enjoy every minute of it.
Merry christmas.
♪♪