All right, don't tell me you want cheerios if you don't want cheerios, okay?
Here, come on. Take the cheerios. I'm not gonna... Do you want 'em?
I gotta feed you. Come on, take it.
Here. Take some cheerios.
Take it.
- How's the baby? - Dude, it's not taking it, man.
Its name is Jonah, and raising a child is the greatest honor
a person could have, so take care of him.
Oh, my God, a hot woman with a cello.
- Take this. - Why?
- Just take it! - Where are you going?
- "Cello. " - Oh. Ha.
- Never heard that one. - I'm gonna be honest with you right now.
I am a cello freak, okay? I'm obsessed with cellos.
So it's one thing to be, like, the most beautiful woman ever,
but then to pull a cello out of your car...
That's really nice, but I'm kind of...
- Oh, you don't believe me. - No, I...
Okay, my favorite cello pieces ever...
Kabalevsky's #2 in "G" Major.
It's dark, it's brooding, and it's virtuosic.
D'Albert, "C," opus 96, lyrical, mellow, haunting...
But the greatest of all is the Dvorak concerto...
In "B" minor.
Oh, my God.
So I say again, "cello. "
- "Cello. " - I'm Will.
I'm Dakota, and I'm late.
- Oh, yeah, I'm late too. - Yeah.
You're a single dad?
A single dad? Yeah.
- Wow. - Yeah, I am.
Well, hi. Come on.
We're both late. Yeah, yeah.
So, Will, we encourage people to just jump right in and share.
Really? I was hoping to observe.
Just sort of enjoy everyone else's problems.
What's your child's name?
- My... my little guy? - Yeah.
- Jonah. - Oh.
Lovely. It's very traditional.
And what's your relationship like?
What do you two do together?
What don't we do?
Um, we talk.
Yeah. We hang.
We do all sorts of activities together.
Skiing, surfing, skydiving.
You let your child jump out of an air plane?
Oh, well, we were... We were low.
It was a very low flight.
You know, we were barely aviated. You know what I mean?
He was sick.
Sickly.
So I was trying to cheer him up.
Oh, what does he have?
- Leukemia. - Oh!
- Oh. - I'm so sorry.
God.
Is he okay?
Well, they said that Western medicine,
you know, couldn't... Couldn't save him.
- So, um... - Yeah, that's often the case.
So I took him to Africa to a healer.
Yeah.
Sweat lodges, voodoo dolls,
animal sacrifices... The works, you know.
And it worked, you know.
- Oh. - Yeah, the cancer's gone.
- Oh! - Yeah.
It was a lot of work, but caring for a child
is the greatest honor a person can have.
I just want to let you know
I am not a hooker.
Great, so this is...
This is free?
I'm raising two girls all on my own.
I have rehearsals in the afternoons,
- eight performances a week... - Okay.
And my schedule's really tight.
So when the mood hits, I say just go for it.
Okay, that's a philosophy I can get behind.
And on top of.
I'd really love to meet Jonah sometime.
He must be an amazing kid.
You can stop by any time.
Just pop over? I'd love to pop over!
Hold on. That's me.
Are you serious?
This isn't good.
- What... - Ugh.
- What? - It looks like my daughter
had a little skirmish at school.
Bye, Will!
Dakota?
Dakota! Whoa, whoa, whoa! I need your number! Dakota!
Dakota, Dakota.
Ah.
I need your number. I need your number.
You're hot. I need your number.
- Oh! Okay. - Yeah, just your number.
Thanks. Sorry.
- Yeah. - Here you go.
Okay, cool, bye.
Hey, Will.
I owe you one.
And by one, you mean... You mean an orgasm.
Hey.
- Hello. - Welcome to the neighborhood.
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah. It's very friendly here.
Casual dress code.
- Oh, um... - Oh, hey.
Perhaps we could do this when there's less of you flopping about.
SO1EO1 Pilot
Excuse me.
Oh, how nice to see you clothed.
Yeah, I had a, uh, I had a situation.
Yes, you were owed an orgasm.
And I'm gonna collect. Don't worry.
So I know we only just met...
Well, you did see me in my underwear, so...
Yes, I did.
I did.
That was... I'm about to start meditating.
Oh, okay, cool.
Yeah, I'll turn up my music
so I don't hear the chanting.
Um, actually, I was gonna...
I was going to say, could you lower the music?
And you probably don't even realize it,
but all your smoke is coming right into my yard.
Mm.
Well, maybe you could meditate inside.
Or maybe you could cook inside.
- It's a barbecue. - Well, I'm a vegan.
- You don't have to eat it. - Smelling is ingesting.
- Not really. - Mom, I found it.
I found the sweater.
It was in the big suitcase the whole time!
That is great.
Now you can wear it to school tomorrow.
- You're not kidding. - I'm Marcus.
Me and my mom moved to San Francisco
to improve our lives and discover ourselves.
As so many do there, Marcus.
Marcus.
My mom's meditating because it's scientifically proven
to help with depression.
Oh, wow, that's like a post-partum thing, huh?
He's 11.
My mom's gonna do a drum circle this Thursday.
Do you like drum circles?
You could do it with her. She's single.
- Ha. - You don't say.
Marcus, why don't you go inside and unpack the glass bird collection?
- Cool. - I'll be right in.
- Fairy dust. - Fairy dust.
- I love you. - Love you too.
I know that you are extremely fond
of the tradition of cooking slaughtered animals
in an open-air setting.
But in the spirit of being a good neighbor,
could you please refrain from grilling
unless there is a southwesterly wind?
What if there's a tornado
and I can get the meat wind to just blow around your yard?
Oh, that's amusing.
My son, he's at a very impressionable age,
so if you could keep your semi-nude sexual exploits
inside your own house, I would really appreciate it.
In the past year, have you had any exploits?
- Inside. - No. No.
- Yeah, I didn't think so.
- There he is! - Aah!
Uh, hey.
My mom isn't home, and...
You know what? Can I just come in?
Absolutely not.
Why don't you just go and wait in the back...
Please?
Come on in.
Can I help you?
Come on, let's go.
Hey, whatever happened to Sriracha?
My band? That was years ago. How do you know about my band?
Googled it.
- What's it like to be arrested? - I'd prefer if you didn't Google me.
Yeah, that's not really up to you.
So you wrote that Christmas song, Runaway Sleigh?
Yeah, I hate that song.
Eh, so does my mom.
- She said that? - Get a lot of money for it?
A ton. Who doesn't like a Christmas song?
All right, listen, man, uh, yeah, your buddies are gone,
and I got someone coming over, so...
- Like a girl? - Like a woman.
Why don't you just date my mom instead?
Oh, damn it.
Um, here, get into here.
Take that.
Ahh.
- Hi. - Hi.
- I brought... - Oh, thank you.
Yeah, you look great.
Oh, my g... Hi. You must be Jonah.
I'm Dakota. Wow.
It is such an honor meeting you.
You are really brave, you know?
What was it like in Africa?
- I've never been to a... - He blocks it out.
Yeah, he's having a night terror.
- But it's daytime. - Yeah, not in Africa, so...
I don't know what you're talking about.
He just starts screaming and shaking. The only thing you can do is hold him.
Jonah, just don't say anything, buddy. Huh? Just breathe, Jonah.
Jonah? Yeah?
Your name is Jonah?
So he doesn't remember anything?
The sweat lodges?
The voodoo?
- Jonah? - Nothing?
I would say that if it weren't...
For my father...
I'd be dead right now.
- Oh. - I owe you my life, dad.
I own you.
Hey, got any of that cheese left?
Marcus...
Yeah, I-I don't want you to get the wrong idea.
We're not gonna be friends.
I think we can become friends, and honestly I think we're already pretty close.
And anyway you owe me a dinner for what I did for you.
I...
Yeah, I-I didn't... I didn't say a dinner.
I'm saying a dinner.
So what does that taste like?
However good it looks, multiple that by a thousand.
Can I smell it?
You can try to just smell it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.
Hey, put that back in the bucket.
All right? Your mom's gonna freak.
I'm already drinking soda from the bottle.
We're through the looking glass.
Mm.
Mm, mm, mm.
Can't get any more meat off of it.
So...
Did you ever get made fun of at school
when you were a kid?
A little, I guess. Why, do you?
Constantly.
Everyone makes fun of me, even the nice kids.
I guess I bring it out in people.
Okay.
This tastes nothing like soy.
No, it does not.
So one by one, my friends get married.
They start having kids.
And their lives as they know it are taken away from them.
I mean, my friend Andy has to ask permission
to go out and shoot hoops.
- What a puss. - Exactly.
To freedom. To freedom!
- Let's get him!
- Hey, come here. - Will!
Come here, yeah. Take this.
Take this, take this.
All right, pull back when they come.
Pull back when they come. Okay.
Okay.
Yahhh!
- Hey-oh! - Ow!
Ow! Let's get some ice.
I, um,
I entered my school talent show.
I... I think you should come.
Well, I made a sacred vow never to attend
a middle school talent show, but I wish you the best.
They're lame, right?
I guess I really just entered to cheer up my mom.
Why, is she sad?
She cries sometimes.
Which is, again, why you should come over for dinner.
Oh, yeah, as much as I love a crying woman, you know...
Well, I'm not asking you to date her anymore.
We're neighbors. We could at least be friends.
Please?
Marcus...
If you needed me to be Jonah again,
I'd do it.
* Baby, you light up my world like nobody else *
* The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed *
* And when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell *
* You don't know, oh oh *
* You don't know you're beautiful *
- Wow. - Yeah?
- Yeah. - It was really great.
Yep.
- Let's do it again. - Okay.
* Slow down, you move too fast *
* You've got to make the morning last *
* Just kicking down the cobblestones... *
- Do you like the seitan spare ribs? - Mm, how could you not?
I'm sorry. That was rude.
Yes.
Listen, this is absolutely...
Edible, and I'm sure it's...
Healing everything inside of me
as... as I eat it.
Marcus, will you go in the kitchen, please, darling?
- I... - Go on.
Wipe your hands on your napkin.
Go on.
I think you should leave.
What? Are you serious?
Oh, yes, I am. You clearly don't want to be here.
- I think you should leave. - No, no, no, I'm...
Listen, I just...
I've just never eaten tofu before, so...
Well, it's not tofu. It's seitan.
Seitan, futon, whatever it is,
I think, if we're being honest, that you are...
What? What?
Oh, you think I should relax?
- No. - You think I'm overreacting?
You think I'm overreacting? I'm not overreacting.
I had a very bad week.
They lost my couch on the way here.
I don't know if my kid is doing well in this new city.
The job that I was suppose to have fell through,
so I've had a very hard week,
and you... you with your meat and your smoke
and your cardigan...
I'm doing this by myself, okay?
I'm doing this by myself. I don't need the judgment.
I don't need...
Now I'm crying again.
You can leave now. It's... You don't have to stay for this.
I, uh, I think I'm gonna...
I think I'm gonna stay, if that's okay.
I'm gonna give this tofu another shot.
You know, we're...
We're neighbors, right?
It would be nice to be neighbors, wouldn't it?
Let's be neighbors.
- "Cello. " - "Cello. "
Listen, I know we don't have any plans,
but I have this crazy...
Oh, I think I know where this is going.
- No... - He's touching her butt!
I just... my...
You just said that you love popovers,
and I'm dying for my girls to meet Jonah.
- He's such an inspiration. - Oh, yeah, uh, yeah.
Dakota, about Jonah... It's a funny story, actually.
I want you to know
that I know I still owe you one.
I haven't forgotten.
So who knows?
Maybe you could cash in while the kids are playing.
Oh, Marcus. Marcus, is your mom around?
She needs to meditate. She had a horrible day.
Perfect. Come with me.
- Are you hungry?
'Cause I'm famished.
No way I'm wearing a tiara.
Hey, you wear a tiara, I'll get you ribs.
- Full rack? - Half rack with two sides.
- Bottomless sodas? - Deal.
Ow.
Time to play dress-up!
Tiara...
Ooh, that looks really good on you.
- Dakota? - Now we have another wand.
No, no!
Okay, hey, hey.
You gotta take those off right now.
There's a crazy vegan lady next door, and there's a northerly wind.
Hi.
Mm. Hey, dad.
How are the steaks coming? I am starving.
Marcus, no!
Who's Marcus? What... What is she talking about?
Why did she call your son Marcus?
Your son? He's my son.
Will, what is she talking about?
You used him.
You forced him to eat meat so that you could have sex with her.
It sounds bad when you say it like that.
Jackass.
Girls, come on.
Girls, we're leaving.
Psychopath.
Come on, over the fence.
Climb up. Are we still on for ribs?
No, you are not still on for ribs.
- But we're friends. - You're not friends, Marcus.
Yes, we are.
He used you. That is not what friends do.
Come on, Will. Tell her. We're friends.
Come on. I'm sorry.
You know, I actually... I really do think it's for the best.
I mean, the kid kept coming around, he's gonna start feeling attached,
and I just can't get that attached right now.
- Oh, of course not. - Yeah, I got too much going on.
Very busy man.
What?
Dude, this is your M.O.
You never let yourself care. You're that guy.
That's not who I am.
Of course it is.
All right, the second a relationship gets too serious, you're gone.
The first fight your band has, you quit.
You never give anything a chance.
Now this weird neighbor kid
starts caring about you, which I can't understand at all,
and good-bye.
You know what sucks about not having anyone
you care about?
You don't have anyone you care about.
Just... I'm just gonna go play with these guys.
Yeah. Yeah. What's up, guys?
Your brother wants to play too.
You ready?
Fill it up a little more.
- One, two... - Two plus one.
Three.
A cappella?
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Andy!
- What? - Andy!
Hey, I thought I told you to stay away from my son.
Or are you here to seduce some other boy?
Okay, that sounded darker than I intended it to.
You need to stop Marcus from doing this.
This is going to be humiliating for him.
What, as opposed to putting him in a tiara?
You cannot let him do this. It is social suicide.
And for the record, I didn't force Marcus to eat meat.
He likes meat. He loves it.
He's a carnivore. You do not want to be
in a plane crash in the andes when Marcus is on board.
If you're not gonna stop this, I will.
- Hi. Nice to meet you. - Andy!
- Marcus. - What are you doing here?
Now performing One Direction's What Makes You Beautiful,
Marcus Bowa.
Marcus, look, I don't think this is a good idea.
- Marcus Bowa. - You won't be my mom's friend,
and my singing makes her happy.
- Marcus. - Marcus, don't go out there.
So just walk away from it, huh?
Figures that would be your advice.
Marcus, do not go out there. I am serious.
I don't want you to get hurt.
You're talking to me like we're friends.
We're not friends, remember?
- Marcus. - Marcus.
Nice sweater, loser.
This song is dedicated to my best friend...
- My mom.
- Hi, baby. - Shh.
* You're insecure *
- * Don't know what for * - You suck.
* You're turning heads when you walk *
- * Through the door * - Look, it's dork direction.
* Don't need makeup *
- * To cover up * - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
* Being the way that you are is enough *
- Hey, if you... - Don't touch that.
- Here, take $20, okay? - Sure.
Just watch. I used to be you.
I know exactly what I'm doing.
That's better!
* Na na na na na na na na na na *
* Na na na na na na na *
* Na na na na na na na na na na *
* Na na na na na na na *
* Baby, you light up my world like nobody else *
* The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed *
* But when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell *
* You don't know, oh, oh *
* You don't know you're beautiful *
And go smoke. Thumb to do smoke.
* Like nobody else *
* The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed *
* But when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell *
* You don't know, oh, oh *
* You don't know you're beautiful *
* If only you saw what I can see *
* You'll understand why I want you so desperately *
* Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe *
* You don't know, oh, oh *
* You don't know it's beautiful Oh, oh, oh *
* You don't know you're beautiful Oh, oh, oh *
* That's what makes you beautiful *
Whoo!
Yeah! Whoo!
Yeah!
Friends?
A rack of ribs?
- Double rack of ribs.
Come on.
Let's go. We gotta go.