- Snake?
- Rocket man? - Sn-A lizard?
- Lizard man?
- Lifting?
- Earth - Earthworm? Pulling up...
- Pulling up your pants? - Unitards'?
- Butterflies?
Caterpillar? Metamorphosis?
Birthing?
Spell it out with your hand.
Tire? Uh, stretch?
Tummy?
What's that? Did you...
- That was an animal, I think. - No.
- Animal can't get upstairs.
- Well, okay, but take-take a poker,
just in case.
- Here we go.
- Should we keep going?
- Yeah. - Okay.
- Hello?
Hello?
' - Ah!
- Dad! Dad!
Dad, there's a burglar!
- What?! What?!
- There was a burglar in the hall.
- Get up.
Let's go! Let's go!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
- What's going on?
- I saw someone. - Don't open the door.
- Get out of my house, motherfucker!
- The presence you sensed, where was it, exactly?
- It was out in the hallway, like, right there.
- And you were lying here?
- Yeah, I was... I was trying to fall asleep.
. Okay-
Let's go check out the other ghost rooms.
Ah.
This it?
- That's it.
- You remember which brushes fell'?
- Those three right there.
- None of 'em are inherited
or bought from odd men at garage sales or anything?
- No. I bought them new.
- All right.
Well, the weird energy's definitely concentrated
right up here,
so I'm gonna spend a little time in here,
try to talk to 'em if that's cool with you.
- You're gonna talk to them?
- Yeah. ls that cool? - Sure.
- Listen. Whatever... whatever you need to do, okay?
Is there anything that we can do to, uh, help?
- Mmm.
You could throw that out for me. Thanks.
And, uh, close the door on your way out, please'
Thank you.
- Whoa, whoa! Who's this?
Oh. Why'd you do that then?
I love you! I said I love you!
Look, I really gotta get back.
- Sweetheart, I don't know if I'm buying this guy.
- Oh? Gretta swears by him'
- Gretta believes in Atlantis, okay?
This-this is the type of guy you have a beer with,
not the kind of guy that has a connection
to the supernatural realm.
- Okay. We're good here.
Mind if I get myself a glass of water?
- Yes, please. The glasses are... oh.
- Well, that was crazy.
I got, uh, pulled into their world for a little while there.
I saw this, like, red sky and a rock formation.
It was crazy.
- So you actually spoke to them?
- Oh, yeah, big time.
All right, so here's the good news'
Actually, it's all good news.
Yeah.
First off, yes, your house is haunted,
but the ghosts are ambivalent.
In fact, they're actually kind of cool.
- I'm sorry. What-what do you mean by that?
- They're good. Good ghosts.
- Wow. So there's more than one?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's two.
There's a guy, who it sounds like you saw,
and a lady.
- Huh. - Okay, but what about the chair and the brushes?
- Those seem like fairly aggressive moves.
- Yeah, they were just trying to make contact.
I think they just... they just wanted to make some noises
before they showed themselves to you.
They didn't want to scare you.
- Yeah, well, that approach obviously didn't work.
- Yeah. - Okay.
- So how do we get rid of 'em?
- Well, that's the thing. You don't.
- I'm confused.
I thought-I thought we were hiring you to get,
- uh, rid of the ghosts. - Yeah.
- That is what I would be doing for an additional fee
if I felt that the presence was malevolent,
but that's not the case.
Like, if anything, you should consider yourself lucky.
- Lucky?
- Yes, lucky.
What you have here is an amazing natural phenomenon.
Just try to think of it as like an Aurora Borealis
that only you get to see, because it is contained
to your house, and your house alone.
- So you're saying that we cannot get rid of them'
- No. I don't- Maybe you could, but it-
In my opinion, that'd be kind of an asshole move.
- These entities are just trying to go about their lives. - Yeah.
- Look, you trying to get rid of them
would be tantamount to them trying to get of you.
How would you like that?
. Okay-
- You all occupy the same space.
They're just in a different dimension.
It just so happens that, for whatever reason,
the membrane is somewhat permeable here,
so you can see each other.
This... It's not a big deal.
It's not something that needs to be fixed.
- You know what I mean? - Yeah.
I mean, I think that makes sense to me.
- Whoa, wait. Sweetheart.
So you're saying we have to live with these things.
- No. I'm not saying you have to.
I'm saying you get to.
Whoa.
You need a cleansing.
You want one, too?
Second one's 50% off.
- Mmm.
I am going to miss that mountain air.
- Yeah, me, too.
- So you managed to get, uh,
some painting done up in Prescott?
- Uh, no, not really.
Spent most of the weekend dealing with, uh...
- What?
- You're not gonna believe this, but...
my house is haunted.
- Okay, are you sure you're not just imagining this?
I mean, we did a shit-ton of acid back in the day.
- No, man. I mean, I wish.
There's something up there.
- And this dude, he said you should just live with it,
like it's no big deal?
- Yeah, that's exactly what he said,
and then that it's "special and good."
- Well, that's bullshit. I mean, that's your cabin.
You worked hard for that.
You shouldn't just leave it haunted.
Right? I mean, I don't know.
- That's my opinion. - I don't know either.
- I don't know what the hell to do about it.
- You know, Marcus had to deal with some weird type
of ghost shit at his place that he bought on Holly Oak.
- Really? What happened?
- Well, they move in.
At first, everything's fine,
and then they start to realize that the guest room
is just really funky.
You know, it has a feeling.
When you walk in, you feel totally oppressed,
like you... you feel this pressure bearing down on you.
Then his parents come to stay.
They're up at 6:00 A.M.
They're saying they have to leave,
that it's too creepy.
Marcus can't get his own parents to stay a second longer.
So, Marcus, he hires this guy.
I think his name's, like, Icy or Izzy or something,
and this dude is just a straight-up ghost assassin'
They bring him to the room.
He just walks in. He feels the energy.
He zeroes in on the bed, and he's like,
"When did you get this bed?"
And they say, "We got it right when we moved in
from an antique store."
This dude rips off the mattress, right'?
There's these wooden slats that hold up the mattress.
There's one slat that's, like, oily and black
and just weird and different.
This dude's like, "Fucking bingo."
He takes that slat, and he feels it,
and then he just thinks,
goes in a different place or whatever the fuck,
and he's like, "This, this is from a gallows
- that hung 10,000 men." - Whoa.
- And then this dude,
he took the piece of wood out, and immediately,
immediately the house was fucking normal.
- So he totally fixed it for them? - Yeah, man.
I can get his number, if you want, from Marcus.
I mean, if it was me
and there was a fucking ghost in my house,
even if that shit was friendly, I would not want that there.
I mean, you don't want a haunted cabin.
- It's the last thing I want. - Exactly.
- I'm getting his number for you.
We will fix this problem.
Because I need you to paint.
- Os Bijourn.
Lots of interpretations.
It's good.
- The guy said they're harmless,
like an Aurora Borealis just for us.
And not to worry about it, but, uh...
- Mm-hmm.
And this guy, did he, uh, have a name?
- Joey, uh...
- Joey Lee Dansing?
- Yeah. You know him?
- Yeah, I know Joey.
I know he's sloppy, he's lazy.
He's a total bleeding heart when it comes to ghosts.
I mean, he's always on their side every time.
Just fuck that.
You know, fuck Joey.
- Yeah. I mean, he said they're not even necessarily ghosts.
He said they could be beings from another dimension.
- Ah, I don't disagree with him there,
but I wouldn't necessarily call them "beings" per se.
- What would you call them?
- How are you? - Fine, thanks.
- What would I call them?
Demons.
- Demons? - Fuck, yeah.
- With a capital D, dude.
And from hearing your account of the encounters,
I'd say they pose a definite threat to your home,
to your mental and physical health,
your wife's health, your son's.
My advice is we go over there right now,
and if shit's as fucked up as I think it is over there,
we need to initiate a plan of complete and total execution'
Annihilate the specters.
What do you say?
- Yeah, so, um, I talked to the guy, uh,
George recommended, the exorcist.
- What did he say?
Well, he couldn't really say much without seeing the place,
of course, but... based on what I told him,
he does feel that the beings are malignant, so...
- Really?
So he didn't agree with Joey.
- No. In fact, he knows Joey and thinks he's full of shit.
So, I don't know.
I was thinking maybe I'd go up there Monday with him,
take a closer look, stay, work the week,
and you and Jazz can meet me on the weekend.
- Do you really think that it's necessary?
- Necessary?
I don't know.
But it'll put me at ease, you know?
And he'll just look around, tell us what he thinks,
and then we can make an informed decision.
. Okay-
Okay, you go get your second opinion,
and we'll figure it out.
- Thank you.
- This one's clean.
Are you kidding me, dude?
- Whoa.
Crazy vibe in here.
Whoa.
Not trying to, uh, destroy your whole house'
I'm just... need to get in there, see what's go-
Ah, shit.
These are the paintbrushes they manipulated?
- Yeah, those three right there.
They tossed one, made that mark there.
- I bet they did. Assholes.
- And then they made a triangle out of all three. which is...
- Whoa.
Very impressive.
So these are your, uh, paintings?
- Yep-
- You kind of do a black circle
and then with colors around it?
- Yeah. I mean, there's more to it than that,
but, uh... are you into art at all, or...
- I guess I am enough, you know,
to wonder what's going on with these.
- Okay. Um... Well, basically
I started thinking about the first moment of life.
The light comes in, and your eyes fill with light,
and it's like this circle of white
coming into the darkness, you know?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I follow.
- So, basically I started thinking,
"Whats the inverse of that?
What's the opposite of being born?"
- So blacked-out circles.
Anyway, enough of the art jibber-jabber'
Let's, uh, get back to work.
So, just to fill you in,
the energy is definitely in here.
- Well, yeah, I mean, that's what Joey said.
- Um, hold on a second.
Actually, the energy's out here'
- Is Mexican beer okay?
- Absolutely.
Dan, I think we're dealing with an E.F.D.
- What's that?
- Evil Fully Determined.
- Evil? You think they're evil?
- Oh, most definitely.
I mean, it's evil, it's aggressive-
- Uh, Joey said there were two. Two ghosts.
- Yeah. I mean, that makes sense, actually'
I mean, it's-
A baby and a dog can sense ghosts.
It's not that hard.
It's grading the ghosts that's difficult.
Anyway, I don't think there's anything
too out of the ordinary here,
but I need to be straightforward at this point
as a professional.
It is going to take a while, uh, a few days at the very least,
and it's not gonna be easy.
- Okay, well, I-I'm gonna have to talk to my -
my wife about it first, because we said
that we would discuss it before we made a decision, so...
- Yeah. I mean, get Mommy's permission,
but let's get this shit figured out ASAP.
- It sounds a little melodramatic,
don't you think?
- Sweetie, I think you're getting.“
I think you're getting kind of caught up on the word "evil."
Evil is just his way of saying it.
- I just...
I don't feel like there's anything bad there.
Can you just wait until I'm up there
and we can talk about what to do?
- Darling, the man is here right now.
I'm looking at him,
so I'd like to, you know, take some action steps.
- Sometimes I just think that you have too much
respect for your fear, honey.
- I have respect for supernatural entities
that I see with my own eyes.
It's fucking scary. You know, I don't...
- But just because you're scared,
that doesn't make it scary.
Okay.
Maybe we should table this, because I'm...
I have a very strong, diametrically-opposed
point of view on the matter, so...
- Yeah, okay.
Well, we'll just talk about it when I get up there.
. okay-
- Okay, Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- Os. - Oh, hey'
- What'd she say?
- She's into it.
- A lot of ghosts, Dan,
are stuck between the living and the dead'
It's for various reasons, of course.
Some are suicides,
where they slit their wrist
and then right after were like, "Never mind."
Well, guess what.
I mean, you don't get that luxury
You know, you did it, and you're dead.
But most ghosts just miss the carnal delights of being alive.
You know, stuff we take for granted:
sex, food,
especially stinky food like these stinky fishes'
Wine,
like a fine merlot, such as this.
When they come to sip and bite,
I catch the fuckers in my boxes,
and they're trapped forever like rats.
Now, the outer two boxes have been triple-blessed,
but the middle box, Mama Bear,
cursed by a priest.
- I didn't know that priests did curses.
- Most won't,
but if you get deep enough
in the sub regions of the Vatican,
you'll find priests more than willing to do it.
Not a lot, but they're out there.
- So how did you get into this- - Shh.
- We have to be quiet now. Come sit by me.
Now, what'd you ask me?
- Just, um... how did you get into this?
This seems like an odd line of work.
- Says the painter of death circles.
- Um... how did I get into ghost hunting?
I, uh... I saw Satan.
- You saw Satan?
- Yeah. Straight up saw the goofball.
He was, uh...
just there, you know?
I was young. I was lying in bed.
I looked towards the window, and there he was,
just staring at me.
- What did he look like?
- Just classic. You know, horns, red,
um, cat eyes, which surprised me.
Fangs-a lot of Halloween-y stuff'
- That's... crazy.
Telling me, dude.
Like, completely confirmed to me that the spirit world is real
and that going to church with Auntie Betty and...
and kneeling down by your bed at night
to pray isn't enough.
You know, I mean, we're at war.
Don't let anyone tell you differently'
We are at war.
Yeah, I mean, that doesn't really line up
with my worldview, but I can see-
- Your worldview.
I mean, this isn't a, uh, NPR roundtable.
Worldview.
Speaking of worldview, Danny boy,
mine's getting a bit too crisp and a bit too dainty.
Why don't you, uh, top me off here?
- Um, do you...
Should we be drinking this much'?
- Seems a little- - Oh, hell, yeah.
- No, I drink all the time when I'm ghost hunting. - Okay.
It helps, you know, ease... ease me into it,
relaxes me,
gives me a bit of a childlike view on things,
helps me see ghosts, to be perfectly frank.
- All right, well, in that case, I say we make a toast... Shh.
- You fucking see that? - Yeah.
- Holy shit.
Holy shit. Holy shit.
What do we do? What do we do?
Os, what do I do? Os!
- We're gonna need a garbage bag! - Okay!
- Get another garbage bag!
- Don't let it touch your body. - Okay.
- Keep it away from your body. - Okay.
- It has to be at least 15 inches.
Okay, bring it over.
- Gently. - Uh-huh.
- Just lower it down. - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- Get out of here. - Uh-huh.
' Bam!
- That's it?
- That's it! One down!
Yeah!
- Wow.
- Want to go get a cheeseburger?
Thank you for the burgers. They're good.
- You're welcome.
They are good burgers.
Hey.
Hey. sorry.
I can't sleep so good.
- What is that thing?
- It's my Nic-Nip.
I'm quitting smoking,
and this gives me a little nip of nicotine.
- All right, I'm going back to sleep.
- Cool.
Hey, there he is. Good morning.
Want some, uh, eggs and bacon?
- Yeah, sure.
- There you go, sir. - Thank you.
- Oh, whoa!
- Oh, yeah. I put, uh, some alcohol in it.
Gotta keep the buzz going for the, uh, ghost hunting.
- It's a little too early for me for that.
- Oh, come on, man.
This is your, uh, vacation home, you know?
Time to relax.
- All right. Fuck'n.
I haven't had an Irish coffee in, like, 15 years, so...
- God, I haven't had one since...
yesterday.
Seriously. Cheers.
So, um, there's not much we can do,
uh, during the day,
as far as the whole ghost trapping is concerned.
Um, you know, I was thinking maybe we go downtown
and, uh, do something?
Maybe go to a store or go hiking?
- Oh. You know,
I was actually gonna get some painting done today'
- Oh, okay.
Yeah, that's cool.
Um, I'll just, uh... I'll do something alone.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
My fucking wife's divorcing me.
Can you believe that shit?
- Well, um, what happened?
- Cats.
My cats.
I just... I kept getting more and more,
and she was like, uh, "One more, and that's it.
I'm gonna leave."
And I was driving home, and I saw this tabby...
and, uh...
you know, what-what are you supposed to do'?
It's just sitting there. It's shivering.
It's sitting on the side of the fucking road.
Like, what kind of man would lea-
So I, uh...
I bring it home, and she said, "That's it.
I'm gone,"
and. uh, she split.
- Well, dude...
You know what? There is a silver lining.
I mean, look at it this way.
You can now do whatever you want'
I mean, you can date whoever you want.
- Yeah. but it's... it's hard to meet people.
I, uh...
I fucked this purple-haired girl,
like, the day after my wife left.
- Great.
But since then, it's been, like, zero, nothing'
And that purple-haired girl
wont even return my texts anymore.
- Forget the purple-haired girl.
There's so many other girls out there,
like, with different colored hair:
blondes. brunettes... anything you want, dude.
I' I kind of envy you.
You get to go out and-and go wild.
It's awesome.
- Dude, this is exactly what I needed.
You know? This shit.
God, you're smart.
- That's nothing. I...
- You got this perspective that a lot of people don't have.
- Well, that's what friends are for.
- Well, thanks, buddy.
I appreciate it. Seriously.
- Yeah, of course. It's nothing.
- Good luck. This looks good.
You know, ghosts aren't stupid.
They catch on really quick.
You can't use the same trap twice,
so this time, we're using light'
Nah, that's gonna make me sick.
So, uh, earlier,
I took a look at one of the paintings you're working on.
I think you're right, man.
There is something, you know, just innately deathlike to them.
You know, it's really cool, really cool.
- Yeah, maybe.
Uh...
- What'd I say?
- I'll be honest with you, man.
They're just fucking circles.
Wh-what about that big death rap
you told me before?
- Made it all up.
I did a show with them 20 years ago,
and it sold out.
People started wanting to do interviews,
so I had to figure out what the paintings meant
retroactively.
- You came up with all that shit afterwards? - Yeah.
- Dude, that's fucking cool.
- I mean, I actually started painting them
- because of Jazz, so... - Oh. yeah.
- The rhythms kind of inspired you.
- No, no. Jazz, my son'
- Jazz. - Oh.
- Me-me and Mary were super young when she got pregnant.
I just finished art school, and I was thinking,
"Fuck, you know, how do I support a family?"
You know, I needed to figure out a way to support my family.
So then, like, two weeks before Jazz was born,
I started, like, falling into...
painting black circles.
20 years later, here we are, and I'm the black circle guy.
C'est la vie.
- It's cool, you know. It's a story from your life.
You know, that's cool.
I don't usually say this to my clients,
but, um, I think there's something really special
going on here, you know, more than just work.
You know, I think...
I think it's kind of the start of a friendship'
Do you» do you feel that?
- Yeah, man. I think you're cool.
- I think you're cool, too, man. I think you're warm.
Seriously, you have so much charisma
and a great persona.
I wish I was like that.
I wish I was more like you.
You know?
Listen, I, uh...
since we're, uh, doing the confessional thing...
That whole story about the Devil,
you know, being outside my bedroom window?
That was bullshit.
- What?! You didn't see Satan?
- Well...
I mean, do you-
Do you want to hear the whole stow?
- Yeah, sure.
- You sure? It's pretty gnarly.
- Yeah, man, lay it on me.
Well, when I was younger, like a teenager,
um, I was pretty fucked up.
You know, I did a lot of drugs'
I ran with this bad group of boys,
really bad souls.
We'd break in to businesses and beat up people,
push down drunk girls.
- Wow.
- And we were hanging out with these three hot girls,
the Garcia sisters.
Everybody wanted to fuck the Garcia sisters.
Anyway, we were all drinking, like, a lot,
and I had been doing a bunch of pills.
And that night, we break in to this funeral home,
and, uh, Ronnie, he was kind of the leader of our gang,
starts fucking around with, like, this dead body.
And he starts moving his lips.
He's like, "Anybody know which way to the graveyard?
Is Metamucil on sale?"
You know, just stupid shit,
and, like, the Garcia girls were eating it up.
You know, they were, like, "Oh, gross,"
but I could tell they thought Ronnie was cool.
You know, they-they thought he was being brave.
So I guess that maybe I was jealous or what,
but I started moving this old lady's arms up and down
and being, like,
"Has anyone seen my piano?
Where's my little Casio?"
And, um, yeah, so Ronnie unzips this poor old man's zipper
and pulls the guy's dick out
and starts ticktocking it back and forth, you know?
And...
there was, like, a staple in his dick for some reason.
Anyways, it gets, you know, weirder and weirder,
and we just try to one-up each other more and more.
And, uh... and I don'! know why I did this.
I like to think, you know, it was the drugs
or what have you, but I just...
reach down into this poor dead lady's eye sockets
and pop her fucking eyeballs like zits.
And the eyeball juice just goes everywhere.
I mean, it was the grossest fucking thing
I've ever done in my life.
You know?
Just... I have no idea why I did it.
It was so disgusting.
- Well, like, did this lady haunt you or something, or...
- I wish.
I wish it was that easy.
So the Garcia girls take off,
and my buddies and I decide to go to Denny's and drink.
And we sit down in the booth,
and I notice on Ronnie's cheek, there's a piece of eye,
you know, like a lens from that lady's eyeball
And so I grab the piece of the eye off of his cheek
and run into the bathroom, and I just flush it down,
and when I get out of the stall, there's this...
beautiful, hot woman in a tight red leather dress.
You know, red lips, black hair,
and before I could even wash my hands,
she comes over to me and grabs my dick and says,
"I saw you out there, little strong man'
I saw you out there, little boy."
- What'd you do?
Before I could do anything, she's like,
"Let's go back to my big mansion,
and I'll fuck you."
- Seriously? - Seriously.
- So we go out to the parking lot,
and right before my eyes is a brand-new,
beautiful white, uh, Lamborghini Testarossa.
She floors it all the way to the mansion,
and she sucks and fucks my brains out.
Like, shit that I had never done before or after,
and, like, very, very satisfying stuff.
Before the sun comes up, I get dropped off at home,
and I pass out.
The next day, I get on my bike,
and I ride over to where the mansion was,
and it's a vacant lot.
It was gone.
I- I never saw that lady again'
- Do you-do you think it was a dream?
- Well, I don't know.
Can a dream give you gonorrhea?
Because she gave me gonorrhea.
Or should I say, he did?
Because I didn't fuck a lady that night.
I fucked the Devil.
- Am
Os!
- Wh-What is it?
- I saw her. - Where?
- My room.
- Ooh, I feel her.
I feel her, Dan.
I feel you, you shifty beast!
Show yourself!
Come out, asshole!
- You don't see her?
- No, but I feel her. I feel her in spades.
- What do we do now?
- Bury this.
Os?
- Can I come in?
- Uh, yeah.
- Hey, um, sorry about that.
I- I didn't think you would be up'
I had to get naked to feel the energy
of the living room on my bare skin.
. Okay-
- And I fell into a trance,
so, yeah, sorry.
- Uh-huh.
- Bacon and eggs?
- You feel anything?
- Oh, hell yeah. Tons of stuff.
Little mini-histories and shit.
But, uh, not them.
God damn.
- Uh, is that stuff gonna stain the wood?
- No. It's just tap water.
Whoa.
- What is it?
- This thing has got a funky, funky energy.
You-You attached to this?
- No. It's just a rock my son found.
- You don't happen to know where he found it, do you?
- I do. It's from Chipmunk Rock.
- Take me there now.
- What are you looking for?
- Oh, I'm not looking for anything.
I'm feeling for something.
- Hmm.
- You don't feel this?
Oh, God.
- Is there anything you need me to bring
when I come up tomorrow?
- Uh, you know, it's funny you should ask, babe.
I'm thinking I might just come back to LA
I'm kind of sick of it out here.
Okay.
Is something wrong?
I mean, you've been acting weird all week.
- No, every/thing's fine. I'm-It's just- - Dan, dinner!
- Who was that? - Nothing. Can I-
- Can I call you back? - Okay.
- I'll }us& see you tomorrow.
- Okay. Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow'
- Bye. - Bye.
- Dan, come on! It's getting cold.
Shit. God damn it.
Damn it.
Shit.
- Hey, man, so I think I'm just gonna sit this one out
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah. I'm bushed.
We were up talking pretty late last night.
- You don't want to see this ghost trap?
Ifs my favorite. It uses magnets.
- No, I'm-I'm tired. I'm gonna turn in.
- Okay, man. Good night.
- Get the fuck out of here...
What do you want?!
Come out, you stupid lazy bitch!
Leave my friends alone!
Huh? What do you want'?
Huh?! Huh?! What you need?!
Ah, I know what you want.
You want some fucking sweet stuff, don't you?
Fuck.
There you go, you stupid bitch!
Drink my wine, you goddamn whore.
Come out!
Get the fuck out of here, you stupid fucking devil.
Come on!
Come out now, you stupid, lazy bitch!
Get the fuck out of here.
- No, no, no, no! Get out of here!
- Get out of here! - Dan!
- Os says out! Os says out!
- That's right! You tell that bitch!
- Os says out!
' Open up!
- Dan, are you okay?!
- She's gone.
- What the hell happened? - She's gone.
- Man, I woke up.
She was standing right here,
and then I just started screaming, man.
I forced her out.
- Did you hear me? - Yeah, man.
- You were screaming like a fucking banshee.
- I said, "Os says out. Os says out,"
and then she just started backing,
backing toward the window.
And then she flew up into the sky,
and» and then she just, like,
- disappeared into a twinkle, man. - Holy shit.
- She's gone. - Ho ho.
- Two done, none left.
- We're done. - No, that's... Hold on, though.
- The work is... The work... I mean, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
- I think you're right. - Man, I know I'm right'
- I think we got 'em. I think we did it.
- I think we did it. - I know they're gone, man.
- Ho ho! Yes.
- Fuck yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.
- Let's celebrate. - Sure.
- Canned wine?
Been saving this stuff for a special occasion.
- What the hell is it?
They used to send this stuff to the G.I.S,
some of the rarest, finest wine you could get.
My sisters and I found a
half-dozen of these in my grandpa's garage'
The wine guy told me he'd give me 250 a can'
- Oh.
Man, I feel bad drinking your special wine.
- Oh, no.
I mean, I think right now is a perfect time for wine.
Seriously.
Like, spending these last few days with you, you know,
chilling, catching some ghosts,
making a friend.
Like, I needed it.
Seriously dude, you know I really needed this'
So share a can of wine with me.
- All right.
God damn, that smells strong.
- Told you, dude. That stuffs for the G.I.S.
- Um...
- How 'bout we start this shit off
with a shot of Hennedone?
- Yeah, I'm just gonna start with the wine.
- All right, chicken.
Are you sure this isn't gonna kill us?
- No.
I think it might, actually.
Cheers.
- Oh, wow, that is pungent.
Oh.
Okay, enough. Enough.
Enough. That's enough.
My sisters and I used to do that.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Drove my mom nuts.
I'll stop.
- I'm starting to like this wine.
I can tell, dude.
- It's good shit.
Ah, fuck, I am so glad
that we got those ghosts out of your house.
I mean, it feels good to do something right for a change.
I mean, you're never sure
if this type of thing's going to work.
It's basically an intuition.
Truth be told,
sometimes I don't really know what the fuck I'm doing.
- You seem like you know what you're doing to me.
- Thanks, man.
I just never know if it's going to work'
I like you, man.
- I like you, too, man.
- What would you say if, uh...
- What?
- I don't think you would go in for it'
- Ha. What?
- What would you say if you and I...
got...
a Stripper?
♪ Can't leave the party
♪ Don't know then
- Kiss me.
- No.
Stop-
- How much do I have to pay you to kiss me'?
- I'm not gonna kiss you.
- Why not? Just kiss me.
- You can suck on my titty.
- I don't want to suck on your titties.
I like you.
Like, I really like like you.
Come on.
- I'm not gonna kiss you.
I know.
I know what. I know what.
- What?
- Listen, I'll-
I'll give you the ring. It's gold.
If you just lay with me and make out with me
for three minutes.
- I can't. I have a boyfriend.
- Come on. That's a lie.
Ado.
I'm done.
Please go.
Get off me.
- Okay, baby.
Anything else?
- Um...
No, I'm good.
- Okay, well, money.
- Poor bastard.
You want some coffee?
- Uh, yeah.
I just had the most fucked-up dream.
Really has me worried.
- I-I mean, I wouldn't worry about it.
People dream crazy shit all the time'
- Yeah, but...
I- I haven't been to a strip club since I was 16'
You know, it's just not something I do.
I'm not really into that.
- You seemed pretty into it last night.
- I don't even remember last night.
I have to be honest with you.
I think something possessed me last night.
- Really? You think-
You think you were possessed?
- I mean, I know we buried the dude...
but the old lady, I mean,
she could have flown out the window
and zipped right back in and into me.
I feel like I need to stay here today.
- Nope. You don't need to.
I mean, it's gone. We're done.
I mean, I can feel the energy in here. It feels lighter.
I mean...
It feels good in here, you know?
- It'd just be really irresponsible of me
to leave things how they are, so...
- I just-I feel like I've spent all the money
I'm gonna spend on this issue.
- Today is free.
- But my family's coming tonight, so...
- I'm fine with that.
Shouldn't be more than a few hours, so...
. Okay. Okay.
. Okay-
Hey, man. What's up?
- Just working.
- Did you find anything? - No, not yet'
- I was just seeing if you wanted to grab a bite to eat'
- You know, actually I have to go into town for a work lunch,
but, I mean, I could bring you something back, if you want.
- Nah, that's fine.
I'll get something here.
. Okay-
Hey, man, look, um, if you haven't found anything
by time I get back, I think we're-we're good here.
- Good?
- Yeah. I-I think we're done
with the whole ghost double-check.
- Yeah, just, you know, as a friend,
can you just please let me really dig in here'?
You know, let me do my thing'
- Os, we're done.
- Why are you being like this?
I mean, do you even think of me as your friend?
- Os, we-we really just son of met each other.
- I mean, we've been together four, four and a half days.
You know, entwined.
That's something.
- Os, you know, to-to have a friendship with someone,
it needs to build overtime,
and there's lots of-
Do you- You know what I'm saying.
- Whatever, dude.
I... Don't worry about it.
I'll just keep working.
- All right, well, I'm gonna grab lunch,
and, um, I'll be back in a bit.
- Yeah, well, you want to know what I did
with your wedding ring, huh?
You want to know where it is?
I fed it to a fucking prostitute!
Fuck!
- No, no more ghosts.
You know, I think it was a one-time thing, you know?
You know, I can't wait 'till you guys get here.
- Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that stuff'
I really shouldn't have said it.
Uh, just please call me back.
Okay? Love, Oscar.
Oh, uh, P.S., don't do this divorce.
Os says go.
Ah! Fuck!
- Oh, what the fuck?
Os, what the fuck are you doing?!
- Fuckin' chopping it.
It's still fucking tainted.
- This is an antique. This was my grandmother's.
God damn, man.
Fuckin' out of your mind?
- Fuckin' bad news.
- God damn it, dude.
- I'm sorry. I just-
New shit has come to light, and I had to act.
Point blank, there's a third ghost.
- Look, Os, it's the same ghost, okay?
I made up the thing last night about scaring the ghost away.
It didn't happen.
- What the fuck, man?
You got me spinning in a goddamn house of mirrors here.
Why'd you lie to me?
- Because I'm just'
I'm uncomfortable with this, you know,
with-with all Of this.
- Why? Is it 'cause I was naked?
- Yeah, frankly, and I just- - Dude, that was for a reason.
- People are naked all the time for a reason.
- Look, I just started thinking about what Joey said,
and I agree.
I don't think the ghosts are causing any harm here.
Harm?
- You mind talking about harm?
How 'bout possessing your firstborn son?
Jazz! I'm talking about Jazz, Danny!
I just... I think we've done all we can to the ghosts.
- We're not done.
I mean, we've barely just begun.
- I think we have to be done.
- Listen to me.
You know I only have your best interests in mind'
The least you can do is give me two minutes.
- Just two minutes. - Okay, Os.
- What'd you figure out?
- Okay. Thank you.
Now, you said that your family bought this land, like,
- a longtime ago, right? - Yeah.
- Okay, now, is it too much for me to assume
that you and Mary would make love up here,
you know, out in a tent or what have you?
Yeah, that probably happened.
- Bingo. I fucking knew it.
Now those paintings, the mysterious
uh, circle paintings, you started painting those
when Mary was first pregnant with Jazz,
and-and you said that the idea came to you in a flash, right?
- Nope. I never said that. - I know where you got that idea.
- You got that idea from Satan.
- Os, I think I've heard enough.
- I want you to leave. - Dude, think about it.
- The paintings, the thousands of paintings that you did
while your little precious boy was sleeping next to you.
They're not just circles,
they're a portal,
and when Jazz came home from Chipmunk Rock,
he was carrying not just a rock,
but a key that unlocked that portal that you been painting.
- Os, I want you to leave, okay?
- Why aren't you listening to me?
I fucking figured it out for you.
God, your son is possessed by a demon,
- possibly Satan himself, dude. - I don't care. I don't care.
- I don't care if there are ghosts here, okay?
This my home.
I don't like the way you're talking to me.
I need you to leave.
- Do you understand what I'm saying? - This is bigger than that!
- It's bigger than us!
This is about Satan!
This is about being at the front lines of Hell
and not-not backing down!
Dan. where are you going?!
- Leave! Leave my home!
- No. Lam not abandoning my post.
- Leave! - No!
Okay, let's take a breather.
Sorry. I got a little passionate
You know, I feel very strongly about this, buddy.
But, I mean,
imagine you're in bed with your wife,
and you're cozy, and you wake up
'cause there's some discomfort in your butt
and you look up, and it's your son,
and he's got his thumb jammed up your asshole
singing, "Hello, Daddy. Hello, Daddy.
- Hello, Daddy." - Go. Go.
- Go on. - Oh, you want to get physical, you fuck!
- How many push-ups can you do?!
Seriously, how many fucking push-ups can you do?
Huh? You motherfucker.
Oh, 911? Real mature, man.
- Hi. I have a hostile person in my home
who refuses to leave.
- Dude, let me get my shit. I'm going.
- 2432 Buttermilk Road.
- Dan, please, I'm going. I'm going.
I'm sorry. I'm fucking sorry.
Seriously.
I thought we were on to something great here'
- Uh, actually, never mind. He's leaving on his own.
No, that-that's not necessary.
Okay. Sorry.
Thank you.
- Dude, can you give me a hand?
Seriously.
Come on. I'm leaving.
You're getting what you want, dude'
Please?
Okay, on the count of three. 1, 2, 3.
Oh, yeah.
- Okay, swing it around. - Okay.
- Ow, ow, ow. - What?
- Jesus Christ.
What the hell is this, Os?
- Don't be afraid, dude. This is just my holy cowl'
It kind of keeps the ghosts out'
- What are you doing?
- Uh, right now... first things first.
I'm destroying the portal.
I don't want any more bad guys to slip through.
- You're destroying my paintings?
- Yeah.
The great collaboration with the Devil? Over.
- I think that you're imagining all of this.
- And you, Mr. Material World,
are gonna tell me what's real and not real?
I see more than you, asshole.
I mean, you're just one of his fucking pawns'
You're a black pawn.
I'm a white knight, motherfucker.
I'm gonna make all this shit go away for you.
Now, your wife and son get here in 2 1/2 hours,
and when they do,
I am gonna cast the devil out of him,
and all will be well with the world.
- Help!
Help me!
- Fucking... - Help-
- No tummy ache?
- No. I've been eating wheat more lately, anyway, so...
- Then maybe you're done with your allergy.
Wouldn't that be wonderful?
Not have to worry what you're eating right now.
Mom!
- Dad!
Dad!
- Os, no!
No! No!
- Hello, old friend.
- Oh, my God.
Mary!
Os, what are you doing?
- Shut up, Dan.
- What's going on?
Mom!
Dad!
Mom!
He"?! Help!
Mom!
Help!
What are you doing?
- Hi, Jazz.
Help!
Oh God
Give me power
Give the power to me
Take me down and give me the power
To take down the Devil
Take the Devil down to the river ground
And watch him drown
Watch the Devil drown
- Help!
Help!
Help me!
Help!
- Jazz!
It's Dad! I'm right here!
- Help!
- Jazz, everything's gonna be okay!
I'm here! I'm right here!
What are you doing with my son?!
- Shut up, man! This is my show now.
God.
God and I are running this shit.
Look who's waking up.
Mary, hello.
Uh, my name is Os.
I am a ghost killer, demon fighter, etc.
Uh, your husband hired me to rid your home of E.F.D.X.S,
but in the process, I discovered
that your entire family, yourself included,
are being haunted,
uh, manipulated by Satan in order to create a vessel
for either himself or one of his top black angels'
Now, I don't want you to overreact,
but that thing is inside your son.
Just let me talk, okay?
- Will you behave?
Or are you gonna act like a baby?
I'll behave.
Who are you?
- I want you to have some wine.
Drink it.
Got to drink it all.
This is nice...
Just two old friends sharing some wine.
Now I have something to say to you, demon.
You get out of this boy, and leave him alone
or I'm gonna drive you out.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Why are we fighting?
I mean, seriously, this could be so easy.
Just jump out of him.
- What do you want me to do?
- Drink.
Yeah, chug it down, Bubba.
- Tell me you're the Devil. - I'm not the Devil.
- Tell me you're the fucking Devil.
- I'm not the Devil. I'm not. I'm really-
- What is your name, demon?!
- Jasper Papadakis. - A.K.A. Jazz?
- Yeah. - No!
- Mm-hmm.
In the next room, all these women and more
are waiting there just for you.
They're warming each other up,
and they're waiting to lick your cloven hoof.
Just come out of the boy.
Just come out of him.
All right.
Let's take it up a notch.
What the fuck is your name, demon?!
I am gonna drag your ass down to Chipmunk Rock
and bury you back to Hell, where you belong!
You are a ward of this boy, not me!
I'm not Satan.
- You leave me no choice.
45 pricks of the blessed needle!
- No, please. Why f-forty-five?
-1,2,3,4,5.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Get out of him!
Get the fuck out of my boy! Now!
Fuck!
Just come out!
Fuck!
Hello.
- Father Jones?
- What's up, Os?
- I have the black angel trapped.
And I know what I need to do
to cast him back to Hell, but...
I don'! want to do it.
What should I do?
- Kill Satan.
Os. Os.
Os, let us go, man.
I'm gonna bury him'
- Os! Os!
Os! Os! Os!
- Fuck. Go in.
Fuck.
Why' Why is he doing this?
- He's a crazy man. He's a madman.
- Damn it.
If that's how you want it, Devil,
so be it!
So be it!
- God damn it.
You had to be so...
' - Why?
- Jeez.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
- Oh, God.
Mary, hold on. Wait, sweetheart.
- Okay. - Wait, sweetheart.
- Get me out of here. - This fucking thing.
- All right.
Okay. Okay...
- You got it? - Gonna get you out of here.
- Okay. - I'm gonna get you out.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - Shit.
- Just go. Just go to Jazz.
- I'll do it. Just give it to me. - Okay.
- Give it to me.
- Lo, from the valley of God, you shall not!
One cannot!
- Jazz, talk to me.
Jazz.
- Yes. Yeah. Yeah, that's it.
That's it. That's it. Breathe.
- Dan! Dan, no!
Dan!
Okay. Don'! worry, baby.
They're coming. They're coming'
You're gonna be okay.
Don't worry. They're coming'
- Hey, man.
Uh, could I borrow a cigarette, please?
Please?
♪ Take "n easy Little Lucifer
♪ You got a lot of work to do
♪ Don't go get yourself developed
♪ Yeah, it looks good for you
♪ Why don't you eat some brimstone
♪ Be yourself for a while
♪ For Hell ls very humid
♪ Life is now in style
♪ Take "n easy Little Lucifer
♪ You've gotta be my friend
♪ Why don't you be a lawyer
♪ Have you got some advice to lend?
♪ I'll pay the price you ask me
♪ And I'll sweat while feeling your stove
♪ Just get me through tomorrow
♪ And I'll forget life above
♪ I'm talking Praising Lucifer
♪ I'm taking back all I've said
♪ I don't want to five with you, friend
♪ I don't want a fiery bed
♪ For the moment, please excuse me
♪ While I check out my clothes
♪ Take it easy...