Mummy!
Please don't disturb, mummy.
I am trying to crack the differential calculus
to get centime and get into IIT Madras and become a robotics engineer
and go to America and get the green card before Trump
becomes the President of America, mummy.
I want to save the world, mummy.
Get lost.
Stop cracking jokes.
Dad, dad!
Dad, I have to go to the cricket match.
I have to score a triple hundred, dad.
And I have to win the tournament
and become India's captain and marry Anushka Sharma.
Please dad.
You were just joking right? Get lost!
SA.
Tell me those magical words.
I love you.
Will you marry me?
Is that a yes?
Stop cracking jokes.
Get lost.
Stop joking!
Hey stop joking.
Don't do comedy.
Stop joking!
Hey stop joking.
Don't do comedy.
Stop joking!
Hey stop joking.
Hey, stop it!
I will do comedy, da.
I will make people laugh, da.
I will take my solo show all over the world.
I will call it.
Madrasi Da!
Ladies and gentlemen.
Give it up for SA!
Good evening Chennai.
Can we hear a huge round of applause for yourself for making it tonight.
Super, super, super.
It's great, it's great to be performing here.
It's been ages since I've performed in Chennai.
This is my first show in 2017.
Thank you for making this happen.
Before we begin this show... It's okay ladies, relax!
Before we begin the show... Actually you don't need to relax.
Get excited. Be excited.
But before we begin this show, let's do a simple crowd survey.
How many South Indians in the house, please make some noise!
Okay, beautiful then.
It's more important for me to identify, how many North Indians in the house
please make some noise.
I know there is a Deepika and a Vasisht somewhere.
Where are they?
Can we hear a round of applause for Deepika and Vasisht.
This is the happiest you are ever going to be in this show, after this is downhill.
Okay?
But welcome, welcome, welcome.
It's great to be back in Chennai because I've been travelling a lot.
I've been travelling a lot.
This job makes you travel a lot.
And it's not as rosy as it seems
because on online you people think we'll be doing so many cool things
and travelling as a comedian must be fun,
but it's not really that fun.
For example, if you people have to go to foreign countries, what do you do?
You people first apply for the visa, you make sure you get the visa,
and then you go and get the flight ticket and go sit inside the flight.
And once the flight takes off, then you put it on Facebook saying,
"Going to America, finally."
But then we are stand-up comedians. We can't afford that privilege.
We first announce to the entire world that we are going to America.
Open the box office, collect the ticket money,
use the money to apply for the visa.
And then be rejected because apparently we are Pakistanis
and they told, we can't come to America.
I asked the American embassy officer,
which part of Aravind Subramanian sounds Pakistani to you.
But I didn't understand.
But then finally we got our visa but you know what's the most irritating thing?
Not even the visa rejection, I've taken many rejections in my life.
But you know what was the most irritating thing?
Last April and May, after our visas got rejected the most irritating thing was
sitting in April-May in Chennai and facing the most scorching questions
from uncles and aunties who will come and ask you,
"What? Didn't go to America?"
"Clearly not. Can't you see?"
And it does not stop there.
It does not stop there. And you know what is more annoying?
Initially my best friend Bhargav, he was supposed to join us on this trip.
But due to weight restrictions, we could not take him along.
I mean, budget restrictions.
We could not take him along.
But then the day when my visa got rejected,
the first phone call I got was from Bhargav's mother.
I thought she was going to console me or anything.
But no. First opening line itself,
"God has punished you. Take it."
"Doesn't God have any other job or what?"
And it does not stop there.
Finally, finally we got our visas and we went to US.
And here's the thing, every time you travel abroad
you'll always face this one peculiar situation at airports,
I'm sure most of you will recognise this.
In airports there is this one particular group of government officials
who have this sense of arrogance and pride about them
that nobody else in anywhere in India or anywhere in the world will have.
They are known as the immigration officers.
Have you noticed it?
They'll be sitting inside the cubicle
and they know that they have one power
and they will abuse it and milk it to the core.
Because whenever passengers come to them,
they have to come with a sense of humility.
It is the same reaction like how when we go
and visit our librarian at the last day of college.
To collect the no dues certificate, remember?
The entire year, we wouldn't have stepped into the library at all.
But that last day alone, how are you expected to go to the library?
"Good morning, officer."
Same reaction you have to approach these immigration guys
because they have that sense of pride about them.
Because they think they are only stamping the visa
but all they are doing is what? Checking if the visa has been stamped or not.
Somebody needs to go tell them what their job is because
they will keep irritating you with some irritating questions.
For example, in US when I landed,
there was this man who was interrogating me inside the cubicle.
He was like, "So, what brings you to the great land of United States of America?"
I was like, "Sir, I'm a stand-up comedian. I am here on tour."
"Oh, you're a stand-up comedian!
Why don't you tell me a joke about the great land of United States of America.
And if I find it funny, I'll probably let you in."
"Joke!
About you?
Donald Trump?"
"Welcome to the United States of America."
That man was Mexican.
And Trump wasn't the President back then yet okay.
But the same thing happened to me in Chennai.
Now can I try this in Chennai?
Can I be the smart-ass in Chennai International Airport?
Because there also the immigration officer was sitting inside his cubicle
and he was asking me some annoying questions.
He was like, "Where are you going?"
"Sir, I'm going to America."
"Why are you going?"
"Sir, I have work."
"What are you working?"
"Sir, I'm a stand-up comedian."
"Oh it's a software company, is it?"
"No sir, I'm a comedian.
Stand-up comedian, sir. I do comedy. Comedy.
Comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy!"
"What the hell! I am talking seriously here and you are doing comedy there."
And it does not stop there.
It does not stop there.
There is an expectation level set amongst immigration officers in India,
which is thanks to you people which is that when you go meet them,
you're supposed to put the boarding pass
inside the passport and hand it over to them.
You cannot keep it separately because if you give it separately,
you are wasting two and a half precious seconds of his life.
During which point of time,
the GDP of India will drop by twenty five percent you see.
So I did not know this fact, ladies and gentlemen.
So when this happened, I went to him,
I put my boarding pass in my left hand and the passport in my right hand
and I gave it to him.
And that man was devastated.
He was like, "What sir?
You tell me you're a Computer Science student?
Don't you know the boarding pass has to be kept inside the passport?"
"Sorry sir. That day I was absent in class. I didn't know."
It's ridiculous, the kind of expectation they have.
So we finally landed in America,
I thought that's the last time I'll face any of these problems.
We landed in America, we landed in this place called San Jose,
I believed it was America.
At least I believed them when they told me that until I was in the airport.
The minute I step outside the airport,
I saw one uncle with a veshti and vest, walk right past me like this.
I was like wait, wait, wait, wait.
Which part of America is this?
Did you just take me from Chennai and drop me right back in Chennai,
I need to know.
Because that place is filled with South Indians.
So many South Indians are there in San Jose.
Once you step outside the airport,
after a point of time I saw a white man there and my reaction was,
"Oh foreigner! How are you?"
And that's the thing, every time you land in San Jose,
any time you go to America
they'll do this irritating traditional practise of theirs which is...
The first time an Indian comes there,
they will take him immediately to the most famous South Indian restaurant there.
Because I come from a third world place called Chennai
where I don't get idli, dosa...
sambhar, chutney.
I would've never heard of these things, man!
I'm like Deepika and Vasisht only.
I would've never heard. What is this thing dosa?
Where is this dosa?
So they take me to this place called, Tirupathi Bhimas.
And they will make you eat, "Have you seen vada?”
"Hey, get lost."
They will take me to that place and you think after going to America,
all the bad things about India would've been left in India.
You think all the bad traits about
our obsession over things that we used to have...
practises that should've been stopped, would've been left in India.
When they go to America, they'll be more progressive, but no.
Indians after going to America only become regressive.
For example, this caste obsession which I thought in India will stop.
But no, after going to America they are taking it to the peak.
Because in America, you are facing bigger issues like racism and bigotry and all.
But last thing on your mind as an Indian should be caste.
But not for them.
Not for South Indians especially, because I was standing in Tirupathi Bhimas
and there was this man next to me at the counter and he kept nagging me there.
He was like, "Sir!
Sir!"
I was like, "What is it?"
"Sir, are you Avaal?”
For the North Indians here who don't know what Avaal is.
Avaal is a derogatory way of referring to Brahmins.
You know who came up with that?
Brahmins only.
"Sir, tell me. Are you Avaal?"
"Yes.
I am an Avaal."
"Oh beautiful, Iyer or Iyengar?"
"Neither."
"Then which Avaal?"
"I am the Avaal who gets drunk and does Ava... Ava... Ava...
I am that Avaal!”
It's 21st century guys,
it really does not matter if you are Avaal or whatever.
But then still we are conditioned to think that way.
Why are we still reacting that way?
We are conditioned in that way.
Especially if you're from Chennai.
Because Chennai is known as the religious capital of India.
And that's true.
Chennai is definitely the religious capital of India.
The best example I can give you was when I was a small boy,
I used to take to go to all kinds of coaching classes like
cricket, football, basketball, badminton.
And before I went to any of these coaching classes,
I'll go straight to the kitchen
and I will ask my mother for some protein packed food.
Protein rich food.
And my mother would give me idli and chutney.
And I asked my mother, "Mummy, where is the protein in this?"
"It is full of protein.
Don't you know, I put sacred ash in it.
That's not chutney, that's sacred ash.
God is protein, you don't know?"
God is protein?
That is when I realised, our entire diet in South India, especially Tamil Nadu
is studies friendly and not sports friendly.
Think about it.
We have specific vegetables associated with subjects in our lives.
Am I making this up?
We have some ridiculous superstitions like
before an exam they ask you to eat curd and sugar.
And even worse, they get very specific.
They are like if you want to do well in biology in particular,
make sure you have drumstick before the biology exam.
North Indians go Google Bhagyaraj.
And they get even more specific.
They get even more specific.
They tell you, if you want to do well in mathematics, you're supposed to eat what?
vendaka
Hey if you tell vendaka, how will the North Indians understand?
Stop, stop, stop.
Wait.
Yes, you are decent crowd.
You are decent enough to oblige and reply as ladies finger.
But one enthusiastic aunty there...
suddenly went, "Okra, okra, okra, okra!"
I don't have house lights so I really can't see who that aunty is.
But aunty now tell me, how do I explain okra to the North Indians sitting there.
My dear North Indians, 'okra' in Tamil is 'fucking'.
So on the day of my 12th standard mathematics exam, I had so much okra.
Explains why I got fucked in maths, okay.
Mathematics didn't come, loose motion only came.
Which is why I have a lot of respect for my elder brother.
Because despite coming from the same studies-friendly background,
he still went on the represent the Indian cricket team in 2011
and won the World Cup for us.
Stop it.
On his PlayStation of course.
I saw you getting excited and clap your hands.
What's your name?
Nivedha
I'm sorry?
Nivedha
Nivedha.
South Indian. See?
Expectation level is sky high and then drops.
Nivedha, if you pay 750 rupees for a ticket,
don't expect Ravichandran Ashwin's brother to do stand-up comedy for you, okay?
You will only get me, okay?
So disappointed Nivedha is.
But see, that's how we are trained.
That's how we are conditioned.
We are conditioned this way.
Chennai now is also known as the conservative capital of India.
I'll tell you why, best example.
You see, when Formula One came to town,
how many of you here know what Formula One is, please make some noise.
Superb.
See when Formula One when it came to India,
all my North Indian friends got supremely excited.
They were like, "Dude, F1 has come to town.
F1 has come to town."
The only F1 he knew before was the function key on the keyboard, okay.
One of my friends actually paid, one of my North Indian friends
actually paid twenty five thousand rupees for a ticket.
To go all the way to New Delhi
to watch a foreign driver in Force India whiz past you in .03 milliseconds.
Not once, but for 54 times for 54 laps.
Therefore giving you a grand total of 54 into .03...
1.62 seconds of action for twenty five thousand rupees.
Now tell me this.
Will any self-respecting South Indian ever do this?
Even better, let's be specific. Will Nivedha do this?
For 750 rupees, she wanted Ravichandran Ashwin's brother
to do stand-up comedy for her.
For twenty five thousand rupees, she will expect Michael Schumacher
to come back from coma and drive the car for her.
So whenever this Formula One comes to town,
all the North Indian journalists alone get supremely excited.
Like I still remember Rajdeep Sardesai, Pranab Roy, Arnab Goswami...
You guys know Arnab Goswami?
Yea he was sitting... He was...
He was sitting in his programme called,
'Frankly, I'm the only one speaking', you know that programme?
It's an intelligent joke, it will take time. It's okay.
You seem to be an Arnab fanboy. It'll take a lot of time.
Leave it.
But you see if Arnab Goswami was sitting in his studio there
and making some ridiculous statements about home support in Formula One.
Apparently the Indian fans are cheering so much that
the voice of the Indian fans is adding to the acceleration of the cars
and you can visibly see the difference as they are pushing the cars forward.
Wait, wait, wait.
What is the concept of home support in Formula One, I don't understand.
In cricket I can understand, in football I can understand,
in basketball I can understand.
In tennis also I can understand.
But in Formula One... what home support?
I think I know what they are talking about.
They are talking about Pappu, Sonu, Lucky, Tina, Reena, Pinky.
Everybody is sitting in the stands in Delhi and going,
"To hell with your mother.
To hell with your sister.
To hell with your father.
To hell with your mother.
To hell with your aunt.
To hell with your uncle."
This is home support?
By the time you can finish telling a line, they've already finished a lap.
Chennai is also now officially known as the virgin capital of India.
Chennai is known as the virgin capital of India
because nowhere in the world do they take biology classes like
how they do in Chennai.
You see because I studied in this very conservative school
in a very conservative area called Mylapore.
See, that's how shameless Mylaporeans are.
They will applaud for this also.
See I need to explain Mylapore for those of you who don't know what Mylapore is.
Mylapore is like the RSS headquarters of Chennai.
No really.
Contrary to popular beliefs,
Mylaporeans are also very very aggressive people.
If you attack normal people, they will attack you back with stones and drones.
Mylapore people if you attack them,
they will attack you back with WhatsApp forwards.
Not just any WhatsApp forward.
They will attack you back with that WhatsApp forward that says,
"Pass this to 50 people in nine minutes or Sai Baba will punish you."
Okay!
Okay.
I don't want that punishment. No.
So on an average day in my school,
imagine this kind of a conservative, right wing, extreme religious place.
Most schools in Chennai are influenced by this.
On an average day in my school the attendance is about 60 percent.
On the day reproductive system class is happening...
Take a wild guess how much attendance?
100
No, two hundred percent attendance happens.
The alumni come back for a mini reunion that day.
Because back in those days we did not have internet connection and all you see.
The reason why it was a big deal for us
was because we had a 60 year old spinster as our biology teacher.
A 60 year old spinster.
On the day that she had to take reproductive system class,
She came 25 minutes early to class.
Closed all the doors, windows and everything and sealed the entire place.
She put a mat on the floor, did yoga and Surya namaskar
and Gayatri Mantra and everything.
She drank two litres of water and put all the girls to one end of the classroom.
Put all the boys to the other end of the classroom.
Put a row of tables and chairs, separating the girls and the boys.
And then she looked at the girl saying, she said,
"Girls! No giggling in class today.
And boys! Hands up.
Hands up!
If I see any hand going down in class no..."
"But miss, miss! How do we take down notes, miss?"
"No need of notes or anything. Shut up and do as I say."
It's impossible to not laugh in my biology classes
especially if you are from my school.
How many of you here studied in state board school, please make some noise.
Superb. You guys will not get this joke. It's CBSE, okay.
Now how many of you studied in CBSE, please make some noise.
You people will get this joke.
State board, it's okay. By the end of the night you can byheart.
Relax.
So in CBSE you take this chapter in the biology textbook
and you open the reproductive system chapter
and you go see the diagrams for the male and the female anatomy.
You know what they cover the private parts of the male
and the female anatomy in those diagrams with?
They cover the private parts with fruits and vegetables.
Just so that the students don't get the wrong picture,
they cover it with fruits and vegetables.
I am not making this up.
They put tomato, watermelon...
Sapodilla, sweet lime...
If you put sapodilla here, you are politely asking.
I don't know, what?
My biology teacher did not know how to start this class.
Her upper body only was like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Her lower body, Mr. Bean was happening for her..
"Students!
Students!
How many of you know how we are born in this world today?"
"Miss, miss! I know miss.
Miss, miss! I know miss.
Miss father and mother went to Tirupati.
Miss father and mother they went to Tirupati, miss.
First wind came.
Then thunder came.
Then lightening came.
Then rain came.
Then temple bells came.
Then baby Rohan came, just like that miss."
"That is so sweet, Rohan.
That is so sweet, Rohan. But that is not true.
That is not true.
We are all born into this world because of the concept of reproduction."
My friend Rohan, he was heart broken.
He was heart broken, not because the miss told him he was wrong or anything.
But because I was sitting next to him in class
and shouting into his ears in celebratory manner saying,
"I told you that your father and mother are doing it.
Your father and mother are doing it.
They did it.
They are bad boys.
Suck it."
"Shut up Aravind."
"Yes miss."
"And put your hands where I can see them."
"Yes miss."
"So students, reproduction is nothing
but an intercourse between a man and a woman
where the sperm from the man..."
"Miss!"
"What is it Rohan?"
"What is intercourse miss?"
"That is not needed my dear.
You write this definition as it is.
I will give you full marks in the exam, okay?"
"But no miss, what was my father and mother doing in Tirupati?"
"Fine! Everybody listen. Today I'll tell you what intercourse is.
Today I'll finally tell you what intercourse is.
Intercourse?
It's like a fire accident.
Intercourse is like a fire accident.
When there is fire in the house, what happens?
The fire engine will come rushing from the office.
But if the fire engine alone comes, is it enough?
No!
Because the fire is still burning inside the house.
So there is this huge hose pipe that comes out of the fire engine.
Which goes straight through the hall,
through the kitchen, to the bedroom where the fire is happening.
Where a tap opens in the engine and a burst of water comes out
and puts out the fire completely.
And that is how we all are born, my dear."
And that is why it is very easy for any of you to identify
someone from Mylapore or Chennai.
If you go abroad and in a corporate office
if you want to identify someone if they are from Mylapore.
It's very easy.
They will conduct this emergency fire accident drill no?
Every office conducts this drill.
Ninety nine percent of the employees know what to do
when they hear that sound.
They will get up and run to the fire exit.
But even when his life is at risk, there will be this one employee
who will get up and run to the toilet because he got turned on.
That fellow was from Mylapore only.
But speaking of things that are so unique to Chennai,
something I realised only after going to America was this.
America does not have this concept of traffic policeman.
You know this?
They don't have traffic policemen.
I realised this in a very bad way because after going there
if I wanted to cross the road,
there won't be any traffic policeman standing there and saying,
"Okay! Come, come, come."
Nothing like that.
They have given you one machine with one button there.
You will stand in front of the zebra crossing,
there will be a machine with a button.
And when the first time you will experience this machine with a button,
you will go through an unforgettable experience.
You press that button there
and you turn right, all the cars will come and stand in front of you.
First time I did this, I saw and was like, "What really?
For me?
Oh I can go?
You won't hit me?"
You know how amazing it felt when I took that
walk down the zebra crossing after that.
Later only I realised that is how a buffalo and a cow feels in India.
But the reason I bring this up is because
after going there I realised,
I miss the traffic policemen in India especially Chennai's traffic policemen.
Chennai's traffic policemen are so unique
because their modus operandi is purely based on this concept called
'surprise element.'
Surprise element. That's all.
What a beautiful job description.
What are you good at? I am good at surprising people.
For example, I'll give you an analogy.
Remember in school, we used to play this game called hide and seek.
Some of you might recall it as ice boys.
Remember?
Yea, imagine us commuters on the road.
We are the ones who are the seekers.
We are the ones who go keep our face on the wall and be like,
"Okay everybody, go hide. I am going to come out.
Tick tick three!
Tick tick two!
Tick tick one!"
And the minute you step outside like that,
one cheater cock fellow will be sitting right beneath you.
He will come up and do,
"Ice boys!"
That fellow only in life goes on to become a traffic policeman.
Because in Chennai you don't know where they are attacking you from and how.
Like recently I got caught for skipping the signal at 2:30 in the morning.
Now I don't know what is the surprise element in that.
Whether the fact that signal was working at 2:30 in the morning.
Or traffic policeman was working at 2:30 in the morning.
Yesterday I got caught for drunk and driving.
Yes, I was drunk and I was with my friend.
Technically we should've been sent to jail.
But that cop stopped me.
He was like, "Stop, stop, stop.
Are you drunk?"
"No, sir."
"Blow and show."
"Sir!"
"Blow man, blow."
"Okay, you may go."
"Am I drunk or is he drunk?"
I see a lot of ladies laughing at these jokes.
Ladies, you should not laugh at all.
No, you have no right to laugh at these jokes.
Because I'll ask the men here a simple question.
Have you ever seen a traffic policeman catch a lady in your life?
No!
Even the girls are saying, "No! We have not been caught at all."
Look at this.
I've been caught.
You know it never happens.
I've been caught.
It's okay, I don't care.
For this joke to work, you shouldn't have been caught
so I am going to ignore you, okay?
But the point is this, traffic policemen never catches ladies...
Have you ever seen a mama catch a mami?
No!
Because this one time I actually witnessed that
where this friend of mine, she was going on the wrong side.
I was in the front seat of the car with her
and I saw a cop stop us and I thought finally I am going to witness a medical miracle
of a cop reprimanding a woman for the first time in his career.
And as he put his hand out and stopped the car,
my friend she was rushing to the dashboard.
I thought she was going to take the papers
and be ready to show it to him but no.
She took the touch up kit and put makeup all over her face.
By the time the car stopped, the window lowered, she was ready for the shot.
"Any problem officer?"
"No, no. No problem, no problem.
Nothing, nothing.
Nothing, you were just coming in the wrong side.
That's all."
"Oh shit officer I didn't even see."
"That's okay, okay.
I will turn the no entry side the other way round.
Now you are in the right side, madam.
Point is I don't understand women on roads when they get on their bikes.
The best example I can give you is whenever I see women on their bikes
especially college girls, they tend to dress up more
when they take their bikes
than they actually go out for dinner with their boyfriends.
Have you seen that they will take one dirty bag.
Out of the dirty bag, one dirty dupatta will come outside.
I know the weather here is horrible but you don't have to over do it like this.
The dirty dupatta will be precisely put like this in one clockwise direction.
Then anti-clockwise like this. Then inside here then under there.
I mean she'll be getting so...
She will be getting so much dupatta out of that dirty bag,
you will think she is Draupadi and Lord Krishna is sitting inside
and giving her free cloth.
And it does not stop there.
It does not stop there.
You think she's done? No.
But then she'll take inner gloves,
outer gloves, monkey cap, muffler,
thigh guard, abdomen guard, chest guard.
She would've covered each and every part of her body except her eyes.
Sometimes going by the way she drives,
you think that also is covered.
And then she will come with all these accessories on,
she'll come and stand next to you on Mount Road signal and she'll be like,
"Hi!
Hi!
Hey, what you don't recognise me."
"Hey, if you look like one Al Qaeda terrorist, how can I recognise you?"
But I don't think men should laugh at these either
because our dressing sense is the worst.
Forget women, we are the worst when it comes to dressing sense.
I'll give you the best example.
How many of you here have worn flip-flops to the show?
Look at this gentleman in the front.
I don't even have to ask the question. Stop.
What is your name?
Gautam?
750 rupees ticket.
You are wearing flip-flops.
You know flip-flops had a name back in those days.
What were they called?
Hawaii chappal.
You know where they were used?
Bathroom.
The name itself has shit in it.
But today he is wearing half pant, flip-flops sitting in front row like this.
Fold your legs.
That's the problem with our generation man.
We don't know what is good dressing sense.
I'll give you the best example. My generation's,
my generation's dressing sense is so fucked up the best example is,
we are a part of a generation that will go and buy a twenty five thousand rupees
over priced Manyavar sherwani.
For a traditional Tamil Brahmin sister's wedding reception.
And then spend the rest of my life searching for one Gujarati friend.
In the hope that he will get married some day...
And I will wear that sherwani again in my life.
Till then that sherwani will be framed and kept in my house right there.
We are part of a generation that will go and buy imported T-shirts
like Abercrombie, Aeropostale, Hollister and all from our NRI cousins
so that when they come to India,
they can give it to us and we can show it off to our friends here.
So it will come to India, we will keep those clothes in our wardrobe
but within two days it will go missing from our wardrobe.
Three days later, you will see your postman's son,
your milkman's son, your vegetable vendor's son,
wearing the imported T-shirts that you got from America.
You know the person who is responsible for this activity.
You go straight to the kitchen to confront that aforementioned person.
She will be busily cleaning the kitchen sink with your UCLA T-shirt.
"Look! How this black has faded."
"Mom, that's not black, that's stone grey."
They don't get it. They just don't get it.
I think fundamentally this phrase, 'dressing sense' is an oxymoron.
And I'm a living example for it.
I'll tell you why.
Because you see when I was small my parents were so freaked
about children outgrowing things so quickly.
So in second standard, they bought a four feet long uniform pant.
And shoved it all the way up to my nipples.
And then karma decided to fuck with me.
Because I did not grow an inch taller until twelfth standard.
So I spent my entire school life walking around like
a shady mallu aunty with a towel alone like this.
In fact at one point of time my father was contemplating seriously,
"Why are we getting him a shirt? Pant itself is covering everything."
And then came college.
Where we were into this concept of low waist pants.
Really, we were into it back in those days.
So my pants from the top of my nipples,
went to the edge of my buttocks.
My pants were a living testament to the movie Cliffhanger, back in those days.
I still don't know how they hung there.
And we were into some ridiculous accessories back in those days
called 6600 Nokia phone.
You put that thing in your pant and you try doing low waist pants,
I will bloody give you Bharat Ratna award.
I used to do this everyday to college and I went and asked my seniors.
One day I gathered the courage and asked my senior,
"Bro, why are we doing this low waist pant?
What is the theory? What is the tradition behind this?
And he told me, "Oh, the tradition is very simple.
In some unfortunate circumstance you have to bend down
and pick an object from the floor that belongs to you.
There will be a group of girls standing behind you.
Who will have a look at the brand of the underwear that you're wearing.
And get so impressed that
that night itself sex will happen with you."
"Come again?"
You will bend down to pick an object that belongs to you.
Group of girls will be standing behind you.
It's hard enough to find one girl itself.
Group of girls will be standing behind you
and they will have a look at the brand of the underwear and they'll be like,
"Oh! Batman boxers. Very sophisticated fellow.
Oh! Simpsons boxers. Very humorous fellow."
I am from Chennai.
No girl is ever going to be like, "Oh! Poombukar boxers. Very cultural fellow.
Oh! Rupa boxers? I must sleep with him tonight definitely."
Who thinks like this?
But since we're talking about underwears, let me ask you a question.
Hear me out properly and applaud if you have this with you.
Which is how many of you here have underwears with holes in it?
Stop.
Sir, you don't have?
Then how do you put your legs inside?
How? Aunty helps you?
Sir, if your underwear does not have hole,
it's handkerchief. Not underwear.
Simple question I am asking.
Because the follow up question is even more complicated.
Hear me out.
Next question.
Applaud if you have this. Which is...
How many of you here have underwears with holes
that the manufacture didn't intend on putting.
Balcony, I appreciate it.
Totally I feel you.
Yes, I will admit. I have it.
I have underwears with extra holes in them.
Initially it did hurt to see these holes pop up out of nowhere within three days.
After a while the ventilation helps.
No right now...
Right now ladies have no idea what we are talking about.
Ladies are wondering what holes, why holes, who holes.
Let's put it in a very neat way.
Remember in school, we had to do this project in primary school
where we have to grow a plant in a cardboard box.
Fully cover that box and put a hole in one of its sides
and wait for the plant to seek sunlight and grow outside that box like that.
You can explain, go ahead.
You seem twelve, he seems fourteen. Perfect time to know this.
That is the most decent analogy
I can give you for underwear with extra holes.
In fact, every time I am on the verge of wearing an underwear, any underwear,
on the verge of wearing an underwear,
I always realise, it raises a very existential question in my life.
Which is you go to your room and you'll see a pile of underwears lined up
and you pick the underwear on top of that pile.
And when you pick it up, you'll always have this question which is...
Bro, is this underwear washed or not?
If you are a bachelor, you will get this feeling completely.
Because we have to know the problem
Clothes will be lying all over our place.
So fundamental question.
Is this underwear washed or not?
This is where men and women fundamentally differ.
Both of us will do the same thing up to a point.
Which is both of us will first do the sniff test.
Both of us will pick that underwear and take it straight to our nose.
Both of us will smell it and realise it is not washed.
One of us will put it into the washing machine,
while the other will turn it inside out and wear it back again.
Because as far as men are concerned,
used underwears are like old audio cassette.
There is always a side A and side B to it.
How many of you here love dogs, please make some noise.
Okay, I don't like you guys. I'll tell you why.
I think dogs get a lot of unwanted attention especially from men.
Or rather they are fighting for the same attention
that as we are also fighting for with our people.
Let me be brutally honest like that.
Yes, I am jealous.
Because my friend, he had a Beagle and he was a horny fucker.
Not my friend, the Beagle.
My friend was also horny, that I'll tell you in the next show.
Now I did not know this fact about that Beagle.
So every time I went to that friend's house and I used to pat that Beagle,
I always thought that Beagle used to stand on my feet
like how animals will welcome other people when they come to their house.
Like this, "Hello sir, how do you do?"
Later only I realised that dog was humping me.
That dog has been sexually abusing me for the last three years.
And I had no idea about this.
The minute I found out about this activity,
immediately I was like, "Scooby!
How dare you hump me like this?"
Immediately my friend was like, "Chill man.
Scooby does this to everyone who comes home."
I was like, "Scooby! How dare you cheat on me like this?"
But it does not stop there.
You see Bhargav?
Bhargav comes to the same party and he sees Scooby humping washing machine,
Scooby humping fridge, Scooby humping table.
And he takes Scooby in his hand, he is feeling sympathetic.
He's like, "So sweet Scooby. You know what?
For your next birthday, I am just going to find you a female dog to mate with."
I'm like, "Bastard.
I have been friends with you for 29 years.
Just because I didn't grab your leg and hump you like that dog.
You won't think of this idea once for me?"
And it does not stop there.
When girls come to his party, it gets worse.
Because girls when they see horny men, they run away.
Rightly so.
But when they see horny dogs, opposite happens.
They go very close to the dog.
They start petting it, patting it
and after a point of time this one girl started making out with the dog.
Tongue, frenchie, smoochie, everything.
After a point of time in that room I did not know who was the man
and who was the dog.
Because the dog was getting all the action from the woman
and I was looking at him going...
Aravind!
What?
Nothing, nothing. Okay.
As you can clearly see ladies and gentlemen,
as you can clearly see I am very desperate in life.
Because recently, I broke up with my girlfriend.
No, no!
She dumped me 6 months ago, I understood it day before yesterday.
It was a long distance relationship, it took time for the message to reach me.
You know what's the most irritating thing about break ups is?
The most irritating about break ups is not even in the heartbreak.
It is the fuck all advice you get from friends after the heartbreak.
Sometimes when friends come to me for advice,
I want to feel like telling them, "Shut your backside and go."
Like my friends are so insensitive,
they don't even know how to talk to a person who just got dumped.
Like one friend of mine came and told,
"I heard you got dumped. You want to talk about it?'
"Yea, I'd love to talk about it."
"I know how it feels. What a babe she was no?"
"Yea, give it few day's time, I'll be over it."
"No, no! It's okay.
We don't need that woman in our lives anymore.
Dude, you have her number by any chance?"
And then there are these friends who will watch Star World,
Star Movies and come with some Western ideologies that
will never work in Chennai.
They'll be like, "Bro, go rebound."
"I don't know basketball, man."
"No bro.
You go to a bar, you go meet women there, buy them few drinks,
go to their house that night, sleep with them.
Next day you will be fully over it."
Here is a fact for you people.
In Chennai, it is easier to get over a heartbreak
than to find two or three people to rebound with okay.
Even better, are the third type of these friends.
This third type are those overly protective friends who'll come
and start planting thoughts in your head,
that you never had in the first place after a breakup.
Like suicide and all was never an option for me.
For one silly breakup, you suicide means?
So many more years are there, so many more rejections to face.
How will you continue in life?
But then no, but then no.
I never had those thoughts.
But these overly protective friends, they'll come to your house,
they'll put you in the middle of the house
and they'll start searching for something in the house.
I'm like, "What are you searching for?"
"Nothing. Aravind, I know what you're thinking. I know what you're thinking.
Where is the rat poison? Give me the rat poison."
"Dude, I don't have rat poison in my house."
"Hey, I know what you are thinking. Look at my hands.
Do you see these marks? What are these marks?
What are those marks?"
"I don't know man, what are those marks?"
"Suicide attempt. 48 times suicide attempt.
What is the moral of the story? What is the moral of the story?"
"That you don't know how to suicide?"
The reason why my girlfriend broke up with me was
because we were in a long distance relationship.
Long distance relationships are horrible.
Especially if you are US and Chennai based, time zone will be horrible,
it will never work out.
And the problem is, my girlfriend when she landed in New York,
she said she wants to do a romantic phone call with me.
Problem is, for her it was a romantic phone call.
For me it was an ISD phone call.
So she got all enthusiastic, she was like,
"Hey baby. I am in Central Park. Tell me something romantic."
See I'm in Mylapore.
And in Mylapore we believe if it's an ISD phone call,
you have to shout a bit longer because
it has to reach all the way to America.
So she wants a romantic call and here I am screaming,
"Hello Meghna! What is the time there?"
This is how I've seen my parents do ISD phone calls.
The louder you shout, the further the country is.
That's all the assumption is.
But then it hurt our relationship so much because
intimacy was becoming an issue.
Every night my girlfriend would have some intimacy issue,
she'd reach out to me.
And she'll be like, "Hey baby! Quickly tell me, what are you wearing?"
"I am wearing nothing."
"Oh naughty, naughty. You already in the mood, ha?"
"I am not in the mood, I'm in the commode.
It is 7 O'clock in the morning here, I am really wearing nothing."
And then she stopped doing that also.
Then she stuck to just WhatsApp.
And every night before she sleeps,
she used to send me a good night kiss.
You two seem a couple.
Let me ask you a simple question.
If you had to kiss her on WhatsApp, how would you convey that through text?
What is the spelling that everyone here are aware of?
Go for it.
Spelling, sir. Spelling.
U-M-M-A-H
U-M-M-A-H?
What...
Such a Mylapore behaviour this is.
Are there any cool people in the house?
Who don't say stuff like ummah!
Because generally youth are following different spelling.
They have moved on, sir.
Are you aware of that spelling?
Whatever works.
No whatever works. Anything is okay for me.
Any cool people here? Couple!
Couple?
I will kill you.
We are assuming you are a couple, man!
What's your name?
Tausif.
And what's your name?
Abhinaya.
Oh! Hindu-Muslim, goodluck with that.
Assuming you're a couple,
if you had to kiss her on WhatsApp and you had to type it out,
how would you do it? What is the spelling, tell.
M-U-A-H!
Now, if in real life if you had to kiss her...
You don't have to do it now, don't get excited.
How it would've sounded?
Ah pichuk! Correct, see?
Pichuk, that's the answer I was looking for.
Now what is the spelling of pichuk?
P-I-C-H-U-K-K-K-K...
Now that's the only pichuk and ummah I know.
But my girlfriend sent me this, M-U-A-H-M-U-A-H-M-U-A-H-M-U-A-H...
Thousand M-U-A-H every night.
And the first time I received this message,
I did not understand what she was talking about.
Because I thought this was some kind of a bad signal
and she was in some kind of emergency situation.
And this was a sound of an ambulance going...
"Muah, Muah, Muah..."
I immediately called her, "Hello Meghna! What is the time there?"
And even now post breakup I go through
those messages to see if there was some love in it.
Even now when I see those messages it feels like it is telling me to...
"Move on, move on, move on..."
Moving on.
Let me tell you something that you guys wouldn't know about me.
Which is that I am a stand-up comedian now
but I used to be a freelance filmmaker before this.
The best part about being a freelance filmmaker
in Chennai is that you have a lot of free time.
The worst part is that, that's all that you have.
No job, no money, no respect,
only free time.
And if at all you get some jobs, you get very peculiar ones.
There was this one time,
I got a mail from a client who said they were interested
in procuring a product video from me.
A product video.
I was like okay, I can do product videos.
So I looked up the client's name in the email
and it read as www.redtube.com.
I'm going to give you two minutes to explain to that
partner next to you who is acting like,
"I don't know what Redtube is."
I can see, he is from the desibaba generation.
Tell him.
By product videos they are asking me to shoot porn films for them.
Before I could even express my outrage
towards Redtube selecting me for this job...
the HR department of Redtube sent me a mail.
Citing why they thought I'll be the ideal candidate for this job.
Yes, Redtube has HR department and all.
Apparently, they have noticed my profession change in my profile
from private employee to freelance filmmaker.
Coincide with my increased activity across all categories of their website.
What kind of a fuckall logic is this?
Just because I go to the Sarvana Bhavan daily means,
their HR department don't ask me to be their waiter.
But then it's not just Redtube that discriminates you.
Even bloody Youtube is doing it.
Like as a filmmaker all my stuff was on Youtube.
So if whenever I need to meet a client who wants to do a corporate video with me,
I will send him all the links of the Youtube on email
and I will get done with it.
But then this elderly businessman I was once working with,
he was hellbent on seeing me and my works in person in his office
on his old Windows '98 system.
And he was hellbent on typing my Youtube channel on his system on his own.
So he was like, "Tell me. What is your channel's name?"
I was like, "Sir, I will type."
"No. no! You tell me. You tell."
"Sir, S. Aravind."
"S. Aravind no? Okay, I'll do this.
Yes, where is S in the keyboard?
It was here yesterday only.
Ah! Yes."
Immediately he hit S.
Here is where I need to tell you,
Youtube has this fuckall feature called search recommendations.
The minute he put S,
immediately Youtube is suggesting for him, "Sex, sexy, sexy boobs, sexy aunty...
Sexy mallu aunty, Silambarasan hot."
I'm like what?
Then he was like, "What is the next alphabet?"
"Sir, A."
"Okay, where is A? Ah, A."
Immediately Youtube suggesting,
"Sari, sari tear, sari transparent, sari sexy, Sarath Kumar hot."
Hey what are you people searching for?
This was just for SA.
There was still R, A, V, I, N, D in my name.
By the time that man finished typing my entire Youtube channel name,
it took him fifteen minutes.
And even then Youtube is still not stopping.
Youtube is still suggesting for him,
"S Aravind navel, S Aravind cleavage, S Aravind expose."
Why are you searching for S Aravind cleavage, I don't understand.
Do you see anything here that you need to see?
I swear, in those fifteen minutes I felt like
I had read the entire e-book version of Kamasutra of the 75 year old man.
This is why my mother does not like the fact that I am doing this full time.
She hates this because my mother always thought that I have the DNA
of an IIT prodigy.
This piece only. Yes.
I mean it did not matter to my mother that
she was an eighth standard fail and my father was a twelfth standard just pass.
Clearly she has no idea how the concept of DNA works in the first place.
In Tamil, there is one saying,
"What is there in the pot will only come out in the ladle."
So the problem in this situation is that whenever I go to any social gathering,
my mother sees these other aunties introduce their kids based on their jobs.
"Hi, meet so and so. He is from CTS."
"Hi, meet so and so. He is from TCS."
My mother wants to do the same thing for me
but she can't because I'm doing stand-up comedy today.
So one day one old lady came and asked my mother,
"Who is that boy next to you?
He looks very familiar to me."
And my mom was like, "Oh this boy? I'll tell you.
You know Karthik Kumar from Google, San Francisco?
Yea, his brother Ashwin Kumar from CTS, New York?
His third cousin's husband, Sunil from Wipro, Washington.
Along with Alcatel Aditya, Amazon Aravind,
Ebay Ishwar, Paypal Pradeep, Infosys Iftikar."
All their classmate is only this fellow."
"Okay, but what is he to you?"
"I think he is my son."
That's the problem. Not even aunties do this.
Even uncles irritate me in social gatherings.
Every time I go to a social gathering, I am avoiding an uncle because
he will come and ask me this standard question.
Which is, "Aravind, come here.
What are you doing in life?"
"Uncle, I am doing stand-up comedy."
"Hey, don't joke."
"Really, I am doing stand-up comedy only in life."
"Okay, what are you doing in real life?"
"In real life? Uncle in real life, I am Batman uncle."
"Oh lovely. IBM or TCS?"
"Hey!"
And you know this one particular group of relatives
that I hate coming across every year.
They are the NRI couples.
These NRI aunties who come to every social gathering,
they are like the energy of every gathering.
Because they are like energy only.
They can neither be created nor be destroyed.
They're like energy because the problem is
everytime these NRI couples come to India
and they bring their NRI cousins with them and those little kids...
the minute they enter India, they will act like as
if they are entering some Jurassic Park or something.
Have you noticed this?
They will always come to our house and they'll come to my house like
my house is some dinosaur museum for them.
Where the NRI parents are taking their NRI kids on a tour.
Where my father Brontosaurus and my mother Tyrannosaurus.
You see there Rajamani, your grandfather. Don't touch it.
You will get Ebola. Don't touch it.
And the thing is there is one habit of these NRIs that
annoy me every time they come home which is this.
They will always carry a mineral water bottle with them wherever they go.
Because if they come to India and then they drink normal water like us...
Gone. That's all.
So they can't afford to risk their life. You see.
Therefore they carry mineral water.
I realised something, ladies and gentlemen.
Last year, when I went to United States of America,
I realised if anybody should be carrying water bottles
when they visit their relatives,
it's not the NRIs when they come to India,
it is us Indians when we visit the NRIs because after going to America only,
I realised that every toilet there does not have bucket, mug, hose pipe and all.
I was taking a water bottle with me wherever I was going.
Because if you are from South India, or if you are from Chennai,
you cannot use toilet paper no matter how much they insist.
Because every time you take a toilet paper
and you take it to any of your private part,
you automatically take it to your eyes and touch it twice.
Because as far as we are concerned, paper is Goddess Saraswati, okay?
Be it toilet paper or Times Of India,
even though both carry shit in it, I don't discriminate.
Such a Hindu crowd this is. See.
But the thing is one of the most difficult thing
as a stand-up comic I have realised off late is this.
Which is that, whenever people recognise that you're a stand-up comedian,
they'll expect you to be funny all the time.
All the bloody time.
Like I was doing one bathroom in a urinal,
one man was standing right next to me in the urinal.
And suddenly he looked at me, he was like,
"Oh you are that stand-up comedian boy who is all over Facebook, no?"
I was like, "Yes. What about it?"
"Hey, tell one joke. Tell one joke. Tell one joke."
We can't tell jokes just like that.
That's not how this works.
And the problem for all this comes from unrealistic expectations
starting from home.
I'll tell you why.
Because I have an elder brother and he is an engineering student.
All the engineers here please make some noise.
Superb. Superb. Superb.
But I am an art student.
All the art students make some noise.
Excellent. Excellent.
You people will understand this because you see engineering might guarantee
you career growth, job safety, impotency etc.
What it can never guarantee you is a peace of mind at home.
Which is because if you want to get a peace of mind at home,
what you need to do?
You need to be an art student for that.
Because every Sunday morning, me and my brother
will be watching TV peacefully and my mother
will come rushing from the kitchen with a rolling pin in her hand.
She will go straight to my brother, not me.
She will go straight to my brother and call him,
"Hey, come here. Come here.
You did engineering only no?
You did engineering only no?"
"Yes, yes. Any mathematical problem?"
"The kitchen sink has been leaking for the last four days.
You can't even fix one broken tap.
Why are you an engineer?"
I swear I have never ever felt better about being an art student
in my life.
In fact I was like,
"Mummy, if you want I can do a documentary film
on kitchen sink leaking these days."
"No, no! You stick to Redtube. That's enough."
See my elder brother is my inspiration in stand-up comedy today.
Any time I need a new joke, I take my laptop and stand in front of him.
He'll be like, "What?"
I'll be like, "Nothing, you continue with your life. Joke will come."
Reason being he is going through this process today called arranged marriage.
You see I don't know what you people know of arranged marriage
but let me tell you what I have understood of arranged marriage.
Arranged marriage according to cinema,
is that process where the boy's family will go visit the girl's family.
The girl will come give coffee, tea, bun, biscuit, everything.
And she will do Kathakali, Kuchipudi, Bharatanatyam and all.
And the boy's father will act like a typical project manager.
He'll be like, "We will revert back to you ASAP."
But today, due to supply-demand issues in the market.
My brother is going and giving coffee, tea, bun, biscuit
to every girl he is seeing.
He is doing Kathakali, Kuchipudi, Bharatanatyam, every art form.
Because there are lot of single men like us but very few single women out there.
Very, very few.
Hey, stop it. Non-sense.
Very little.
See, the problem is this, arranged marriage is so competitive these days.
It's is so dramatic, they take it to the next level these days.
For example, you know what they call the families,
they don't call themselves families.
They call each other alliance.
When was the last time you heard the word alliance in your life?
World War two remember?
So one day when the girl's family expressed interest in my brother.
The girl's father called my father.
The girl's father was very clear on the phone.
He was like, "We are going to come and check your son out."
That's all he said.
But my father acted like a James Bond on the phone.
"Yea. You can come we are ready.
We are next to the Chief Minister's house,
very close to Rajnikant's office.
Behind Kamal Haasan's house, yea, you can come."
The minute he keeps the phone down,
my entire house will act as if some income tax raid in happening in my house.
Everybody will run from one corner to another corner
and start cleaning everything they can get their hands on.
My father will go and remove all the old plastic covers from the remote
and put new plastic covers in it.
Because that is only cleaning for him. He won't clean the remote.
My mother will go to the godown
and will take appliances she has never heard of in her life.
Microwave oven, sandwich maker, fruit cutter, egg beater.
She will keep it in decorative places in the kitchen.
She is hoping that the girl's family doesn't come
and ask her to use it because she has no idea how to use any of those items.
Because as far as my mother is concerned,
this is like a lab exam.
She is excellent in viva, can't do practicals and all. Okay!
And then my father will come and tell me in this very serious way,
"Aravind, the girl's family are on their way.
Go clean your bathroom, go."
"If they are coming to see my brother...
Why should I clean my bathroom for that?"
"Just in case they want to use it."
"What? Ask them to do it on my face."
"That will be very difficult."
"Hey!"
Which is why I decided I will not be there when the girl's family comes
because I don't want to be there and screw the little chance that
my brother has of scoring with this girl.
So I left home. I left home.
I did the decent thing of leaving home.
Within 15 minutes my mother calls me.
"Aravind, where are you? Why are you not home?"
"Mummy I told you no, I have some important work to do."
"Don't you know that the girl's family are on their way."
"Mummy I told you no, I have some important work to do."
"Don't you want to contribute to for your brother for the first time in your life?"
"Mummy I told you no, I have some important work to do."
"Don't you want to support the family for the first time in your life."
"Okay Mummy. I will come but I can't stay for long okay."
"Nobody is asking you to stay for long.
You come, park your car in front of the house and go.
Afterall it's the only car in the family, my child."
For one secondhand Santro,
that I bought with the stand-up comedy money.
She wants it to be parked in front of the house
not the second son doing stand-up comedy.
The most hilarious process in this arranged marriage is
when you fill up that profile in Tamil matrimony.com.
See some shameless people have already done it.
See.
My brother clearly filled up this profile saying,
"Wanted tall, good looking, well educated, urban, modern, homely girl."
Modern? Homely girl.
Will any educated man in the 21st century,
write modern and homely in the same sentence?
No. Because my brother didn't write that,
my brother wrote modern girl and logged out.
Later my mother logged in and added the word homely to it.
Because she only has the username
and password to his entire account in Tamil matrimony.com.
Everyday my mother logs into that account and scans through
thousands and thousands of photographs of women on that website.
My mother has stalked more women on that website
than I have ever stalked in my entire life.
Out of which she shortlisted five photographs
for my brother to choose from.
Out of which three were from her own village,
so we got arrogant and we rejected it.
One was from Bay Area San Francisco,
and they thought Chennai was a village, so they rejected us.
And the only one that remained which my brother said okay to.
Fell in love with, decided to marry,
turned out to be the photo of Tamil matrimony.com brand ambassador.
One girl will be like this no. One model.
That photo also my mother had downloaded.
I spent the next two hours consoling my brother.
I was like, "Relax brother, she is not available.
She is not available."
I mean I felt so sorry for him because
had he put his photo on OLX also he would have been sold by now.
Which is why when my turn comes in life.
When my turn comes in life...
I have decided I will go through the love marriage route.
Shameless you people are!
Don't be so open about it.
If my turn comes in life, I'll go through love marriage
and I decided that whenever I go and figure out
how to do this love marriage better and how to understand a woman better,
I was told to understand the concept of feminism better.
And the best way to understand feminism is by talking to women about it.
So I went about asking each and every girl, what is this feminism?
Explain to me this concept of feminism.
And the best answer I've received so far is,
"Feminism? It's a feeling, you won't get it."
Feeling?
That's all?
For one feeling only you people are doing this much ha?
This is like when Congress supporters went crazy and asked BJP,
"Where is the Modi wave, I can't see any Modi wave. What Modi wave?"
BJP was like, "Modi wave, it's a feeling. You won't get it."
It's like when my father is asking me,
"Why are you paying eighty thousand rupees on an iPhone,
what is so great about an iPhone?"
I'm like, "Apple, it's a feeling. You won't get it."
It's like when the North Indians come and ask us,
"Why are you Chennaites going crazy about Rajinikanth?
What is so amazing about Rajinikanth?"
I'm like, "Rajinikanth, it's a feeling. Go fuck yourself."
And finally when you people come
and ask me after my stand-up comedy show saying,
"SA, so many single girls in the house, man. How is your sex life?"
I'm like, "My sex life? It's a feeling, I don't get it."
Which brings me to the last segment.
Where I talked to you about why being Madrasi Da is amazing.
But then some people don't get this,
the fact that what it means to be a Chennaite.
Because you see, even though I'm a proper Chennaite,
there are parts in Chennai where they don't accept me as a proper Chennaite
because I am much fairer than the average Chennaite.
So they reject me and they call me a Marwari there.
Which is why I feel at home in Bombay of all the places
because the minute I go to Bombay
and I speak in my broken Hindi, the first word out of a Mumbaikar's mouth is,
"You Madrasi."
I'm like, "Thank you so much."
I am a Madrasi and I am proud to be one.
I did know it was perceived as an insult in the rest of the country.
Let's squash some theories about Chennaites.
Which is this.
In Chennai there is this theory that Chennaites are people
who don't know Hindi.
That's not true.
That's not at all true.
Chennaites are people who know Hindi and still refuse to speak Hindi.
You know why we do that?
Because we like to irritate the North Indians like Deepika and Vasisht.
You know why we like to irritate you people?
Because you people did a fuckall tribute to us called
Chennai Express and lungi dance.
The day I saw Chennai Express,
I realised that it has nothing to do with Chennai nor Express.
But then I realised, oh my God.
These people need to be told that this is wrong.
Especially that song lungi dance.
Every time lungi dance is played in any club in Chennai,
in Bombay or Delhi all my North Indian friends will be like
"Your song, your song, your song."
I'm like, "Bloody, that is not my song. We don't like this song."
But they don't understand why we don't like this song.
We don't like this song because
that song's lyrics don't do justice to anything concerned to do with Rajinikanth,
Chennai or South India because here is the best part.
Let's break down the lyrics line by line.
You will understand why I am talking about it this way.
What's the first line in that song?
Mucho ko thoda?
round ghumake.
You know it by heart, are you from state board?
Mucho ko thoda round ghumake.
They are confusing Rajinikanth with Raj Kiran, okay.
Because in no movie of his has Rajinikanth
ever round ghumaake his mucho.
But they don't care, they don't need to do research.
That's our job as South Indians, so it's okay.
Next line is even better.
Anna ke jaisa?
chashma lagake
Before you try chashma like Anna or do some super human activities like that,
let me ask our North Indian friends to do the basic elementary
thing to qualify as a South Indian.
Which is to go to a South Indian wedding and sit in front of a banana leaf
and try and eat rasam rice without one drop of rasam falling on yourself.
Can you do it?
Will you do it?
It's my favourite activity to do this.
Which is to take my North Indian friends to a South Indian wedding.
Make him sit in front of a banana leaf.
Watch the people come and put 450 items on top of that banana leaf.
Watch a North Indian get intimidated with each item.
And his first reaction when he sees that banana leaf, he'll be like,
"Hey bro, how can I eat such a big meetha paan?”
Big meetha paan for you.
Thousands of people have come to the wedding to fold that banana leaf,
put it into our the mouth and go.
That's what they are assuming.
The third line in that song is even better.
The third line is Shakespeare level lyrics.
Which is, coconut mei?
lassi milaake
My dear Vasisht,
I have to take you because you are the North Indian lab rat for the evening.
State board or CBSE? Which school?
CBSE.
CBSE? Then you are educated enough to answer this.
Which state in India is known for coconut?
Kerala.
Hey you state board fellows, why are you helping him?
He can take care, you relax.
Which state is known for coconut?
Kerala.
Which state is known for lassi?
Punjab.
What the fuck does this have to do with Tamil Nadu which is here?
That how do I know boss?
Honey Singh told, it must be true. I don't know.
And then the last line in that ultimate truth of the song will be revealed.
Which is, aajao saare mood banake.
Have you written this song because you are horny?
The day I heard lungi dance, that's the day I stopped feeling
sorry for unleashing Prabhudeva on North India.
You guys deserve Prabhudeva.
In fact the next time any of them decides to do a tribute to Ilayaraja,
A.R. Rahman, Kamal Haasan, let me just warn all of our North Indian friends
who are watching this that we will not think twice
unleashing Prabhudeva's younger brother,
elder brother or cousin brother for that matter.
In fact we will go one step further
and unleash South India's biggest nuclear weapon on you
called Captain Vijayakanth.
We will make Captain Vijayakanth do a tribute song to
all our North Indian friends.
Without even asking them their permission, we will also do.
And we will dedicate the tribute song to Amitabh Bachchan.
And that tribute song will be called Chapati.
And throughout the tribute song, you will see Captain Vijayakanth
dressed in that Manyawar sherwani,
twenty five thousand rupees I have no.
I will give that man that sherwani
and my mother will give her rolling pin
which he will double up for dandiya stick whenever he wants to.
And throughout the song, all you will see him going,
"All the Amitabh fans,
eat your butter naan.
Hey chapati chapati chapati chapati..."
Thank you so much ladies and gentlemen.
You've been a fantastic crowd.
What-what-what timing ya?
What-what-what power ya?
What-what-what placement ya?
What-what-what technique, ya?
What-what-what I'll slipper you
Hit you
Hit-hit-hit-hit you.
Dot-dot-dot-dot-dot
22 F
23 F
24 F
25 F
38 F
40 F
MILF also not there da
MILF
MILF-MILF-MILF-MILF also not there da
Tu Vastu
Tu-tu
I was not ready da