♪
[ SCHOOL BELL RINGING ]
ARE YOU MISSING SCHOOL AGAIN?
I NEED THE EXTRA PAY.
AN EDUCATION IS WORTH ITS WEIGHT IN GOLD, GUS PIKE.
EXACTLY HOW MUCH
DOES AN EDUCATION WEIGH, FELICITY?
SARA, I WANT TO BUY FELICITY A SPECIAL VALENTINE'S GIFT.
IS THAT WHY YOU NEED THE EXTRA MONEY?
FIND OUT WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS, SARA.
GUS, YOU DON'T NEED TO BUY YOUR WAY INTO FELICITY'S HEART.
"REBECCA'S LOVE BURNED WITH A GEM-LIKE FLAME AS SHE GAZED"
"UPON THE MANLY COUNTENANCE OF YOUNG GASTON LECLERC."
BALDERDASH.
BALDERDASH!
BALDERDASH.
BALDERDASH!
SHE'S BEEN WRITING THE SAME PAGE FOR THREE DAYS.
IT'S ALL I CAN DO TO GET HER TO EAT.
WELL, SHE'S JUST ARTISTICALLY OVERWROUGHT, SARA.
UH, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I CAN DO ABOUT IT.
[ SIGHING ]
I THINK THE BEST THING FOR HER WOULD BE
SOME CONTACT WITH HARSH REALITY.
HARD TO BELIEVE...THREE DAYS RACED BY...AS THOUGH IN A DREAM.
BUT I HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT.
NOTHING.
WELL, I SUPPOSE ONE SHOULDN'T EXPECT
TO FIND ROMANCE IN ONE'S OWN KITCHEN.
THAT'S IT!
WHAT'S IT?
THAT'S IT.
YES.
I'VE STAYED TRAPPED WITHIN THESE...FOUR WALLS.
THANK YOU, SARA.
OH, THANK YOU, OLIVIA.
HETTY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
OUT, OUT.
[ SEAGULLS CALLING ]
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE BUILDING
A BONFIRE HERE, MR. TREMAYNE.
I WISH I WERE, MASTER PIKE.
IT'S MY DREAM TO SEE THE HOTEL LEDGERS CURL UP IN A GOOD FLAME.
BUT THE WHITE SANDS IS DOING BOOMING BUSINESS.
REPAIRS TO THE WEST WING.
THE HAIL STORM ON THE SOLARIUM.
THE NEW BOILERS.
PIERRE'S DEMANDS FOR THE KITCHEN.
WHAT I REALLY NEED
IS A LARGE INCURSION OF CAPITAL.
OH, YOU MEAN LIKE CASH MONEY?
CASH MONEY, PRECISELY.
PERHAPS AN ANGEL WILL APPEAR.
[ KNOCKING ]
EXCUSEZ-MOI, MESSIEURS,
BUT PERHAPS A KIND GENTLEMAN CAN HELP ME?
OH, I'M A KIND GENTLEMAN, MISS.
THIS IS THE HOTEL OF MON ONCLE,
PIERRE LAPIERRE DE TROIS RIVIERES?
HE WORKS HERE, CERTAINLY, YOUNG LADY.
I AM HIS NIECE, SUZETTE MOREAU DE BAIE COMEAU.
OF COURSE YOU ARE.
[ BANGING ]
ALORS, SUZETTE, TA MAMAN
M'A DIT QUE TU N'ETAIT PAS GENTILLE.
PLEASE, DON'T SEND ME BACK TO MAMAN.
VERY WELL. YOU STAY FOR A FEW DAYS.
NOW, MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL.
THERE.
PIERRE, WE MUST TALK ABOUT
A VALENTINE'S DAY DANCE.
PERHAPS YOU ARE NOT AN OLD PRUNE AFTER ALL.
WE WILL START
WITH AUBERGINES, TRUFFLES, COQ AU VIN.
WE MUST ATTAIN THE MAXIMUM INCOME FROM THE MINIMUM OUTLAY.
YOU WANT TO BE SKIMPY?
PIERRE, IF YOU WANT TO BE EMPLOYED
IN SIX MONTHS, YOU WILL ECONOMIZE.
THERE ARE MANY GIRLS FOR YOU
TO GET TO KNOW IN AVONLEA?
OH, YES, MISS, BUT NOT SO PRETTY AS YOU.
SUZETTE IS BEING EDUCATED
IN A CONVENT SCHOOL.
SHE'S NOT VERY OFTEN IN THE PRESENCE OF YOUNG MEN.
HER MIND IS ATTUNED
TO HIGHER PURSUITS.
IT IS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO BE HERE.
WELL, THE RADIATOR SYSTEM NEEDS FLUSHING.
YOUR HOT WATER OVERFLOW IS OVERFLOWED.
THE DOORS TO THE DINING ROOM AREA BUCKLED
AND WARPED.
AND THIS DESK, DRY ROT.
HOW MUCH?
MR. TREMAYNE.
UH, MISS KING, COULD SOMEONE HELP YOU?
ON THE CONTRARY.
I BELIEVE IT'S I WHO CAN HELP YOU.
MAY WE SPEAK PRIVATELY?
SURELY YOU'RE JOKING, MISS KING.
A PARTNERSHIP?
UH, YES.
UH, MAY I?
OH.
I TAKE IT YOU NEED READY MONEY, MR. TREMAYNE.
AND
I HAPPEN TO HAVE SOME CAPITAL AT MY DISPOSAL,
ROYALTIES FROM MY FIRST BOOK, YOU SEE,
WHICH MY SOLICITOR IS AFTER ME TO INVEST.
THIS COULD BE A VERY STICKY SITUATION, MISS KING.
LET ME BE QUITE FRANK.
NOW I'M NO LONGER TEACHING SCHOOL,
I FIND MYSELF SOMEWHAT TRAPPED AT HOME,
IMAGINATION STIFLED, SO ON.
WELL, WHAT BETTER PLACE FOR A WRITER TO ENCOUNTER
SUCH DIVERSITY OF CHARACTERS
AND SITUATIONS
THAN AT THE WHITE SANDS HOTEL?
NONETHELESS, I WOULD WELCOME YOUR INFLUX OF CAPITAL.
UM, HOW MUCH CAN YOU OFFER?
PERHAPS WE SHOULD CHECK YOUR BALANCE SHEETS,
AND SEE IF WE CAN ARRIVE AT A SUITABLE FIGURE.
OH, NOT HERE, NO.
OVER THERE.
I HAVE NO WISH TO EXPOSE MYSELF TO A DRAUGHT, THANK YOU.
MISS KING?
YOU CAN'T SIMPLY SET UP SHOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LOBBY.
OH, BUT A WRITER MUST BE PART
OF THE EBB AND FLOW OF HUMANITY, DON'T YOU SEE?
A HOTEL IS FOR THE PUBLIC, FOR THE COMFORT OF ITS GUESTS.
IT IS MY JOB AS THE OWNER AND MANAGER--
OUR JOB. OUR JOB.
QUITE.
WE MUST REMAIN UNOBTRUSIVE AND DISCREET TO OUR PATRONS.
NEARLY INVISIBLE.
OH, NO.
NOW I SEE WHY YOU HAVE FINANCIAL DIFFICULTIES.
ONE THING I LEARNED
DURING MY LONG FORAY AS A SCHOOLTEACHER
WAS WHEN THE CAT'S AWAY, THE MICE DO PLAY.
PLEASE SEE THAT MY SHIRTS ARE WHITENED, MADAM,
NOT TOO MUCH STARCH, MIND YOU.
AND BE CAREFUL WITH THE BUTTONS.
PERHAPS YOU'RE RIGHT, MISS KING.
THE GUESTS MAY WELL APPRECIATE YOUR EASY ACCESSIBILITY.
OH, YES, BUT CONVERSELY, FAMILIARITY DOES BREED CONTEMPT.
I SEE THAT.
UH, MOVE MY TABLE INTO MR. TREMAYNE'S OFFICE, WILL YOU?
AT LEAST FOR THE TIME BEING.
UPSTAIRS.
SO WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED
IN BUYING MY MAPLE SUGAR?
MERCI, BUT NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
BUT I MAKE THE BEST MAPLE SUGAR
IN THE WHOLE COUNTY, CHEF LAPIERRE.
YOU CAN ASK ANYONE.
HOW MUCH SALT DO YOU PUT IN?
NOT A BIT.
I USE A BIT OF LARD.
AS IN QUEBEC.
IT'S AN OLD QUEBECOIS RECIPE.
I WILL BUY AS MUCH AS YOU CAN SUPPLY.
OH, FELICITY.
I GOT TWO SECONDS BEFORE TREMAYNE'S AFTER ME
TO CLEAN UP THE ROOMS.
WOULD YOU DO ME THE HONOUR
OF ALLOWING ME TO ESCORT YOU TO THE VALENTINE'S DANCE?
VALENTINE'S DANCE?
YEAH, WELL, MR. TREMAYNE JUST DECIDED.
I FIGURE THAT YOU SHOULD BE THE ABSOLUTELY
FIRST GIRL IN AVONLEA
TO BE INVITED TO THE DANCE.
WHAT A WONDERFUL GESTURE.
OF COURSE YOU MAY ACCOMPANY ME.
YOU'RE A GRAND GIRL, FELICITY.
DO YOU HAVE A GOOD REASON FOR WANTING TIME OFF
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY, MASTER PIKE?
MR. TREMAYNE, I HAVE TO GET SOMETHING AT LAWSON'S STORE.
IT'S A MATTER OF THE HEART.
IT WON'T TAKE AN EXTRA FIVE MINUTES.
I SUPPOSE A YOUNG MAN MUST GET ALL THAT VALENTINE HOOEY
OUT OF HIS SYSTEM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
YOU MUSTN'T BE GONE MORE THAN AN HOUR, MIND YOU.
OH, EXCUSE ME, I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.
BONJOUR.
I AM SUZETTE MOREAU DE BAIE COMEAU.
AND I'M FELICITY KING.
ARE YOU A GUEST HERE?
I'M VISITING MON ONCLE PIERRE LAPIERRE.
OH.
YOU ARE VERY PRETTY, SUZETTE.
YES. THANK YOU.
OH!
OW!
YOU WANT TO HIT THE NAIL, FELIX, NOT YOUR FINGER.
OF ALL THE DUMB JUNK TO CELEBRATE,
VALENTINE'S DAY IS THE DUMBEST.
ARTHUR, WELCOME BACK.
THANK YOU, FELIX.
AND IN RETURN FOR YOUR BEING THE FIRST PERSON TO OFFICIALLY
WELCOME ME HOME, I'LL HELP YOU WITH YOUR DUMB JUNK.
YOU'RE LUCKY, ARTHUR.
YOUR SCHOOL GETS OUT EARLY.
WELL, NOW I HAVE TO FIND A VETERINARIAN
WHO WILL TAKE ME ON AS AN APPRENTICE FOR A YEAR.
OH, SO THAT'S LIKE WORK.
YEAH, VERY MUCH LIKE WORK.
HOW'S YOUR FAMILY, FELIX?
FINE. THEY'RE ALL SICK.
AND FELICITY?
OH, PERFECT AS USUAL.
SHE'S TOO GROUCHY TO GET SICK.
HAS ANYONE ASKED HER TO THE VALENTINE'S DAY DANCE?
WHO COULD -- HARDLY ANYONE
KNOWS ABOUT IT YET.
DON'T WORRY, GUS, SHE WON'T SEE US.
SHE'S PROBABLY STILL AT THE WHITE SANDS.
ARTHUR PETTIBONE, WELCOME HOME!
TOO LATE, I ALREADY SAID THAT.
HELLO, SARA, GUS.
SO HOW'S VETERINARY SCHOOL?
CUT UP ANY CATS AND DOGS LATELY?
ACTUALLY, I PREFER THE INTERNIST'S APPROACH
TO THE SURGEON'S.
HMM.
WELL, LET'S GO, SARA.
WE AIN'T GOT ALL DAY.
SEE YOU.
YOU COULD AFFORD TO BE
FRIENDLIER TO ARTHUR.
AND HE COULD AFFORD TO SMILE A BIT MORE.
HE'S LIKE AN UNDERTAKER.
GUS, WOMEN FIND A LITTLE BIT
OF NATURAL GRAVITY APPEALING.
IT SUGGESTS CONFIDENCE
AND STABILITY.
I KNOW THE PERFECT GIFT
FOR FELICITY.
YOUNG MAN, REALLY.
WHERE DID YOU LEARN YOUR MANNERS?
HUH?
DON'T SAY "HUH".
HERE WE REFRAIN FROM THRUSTING OUR NAPKINS
UNDER OUR COLLARS LIKE SOME DOCK WORKER.
SEE HERE NOW.
JUST WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
NOW SIT UP.
SIT UP STRAIGHT.
THAT'S BETTER.
AHEM.
AHEM, AS THE PROPRIETOR OF THIS ESTABLISHMENT,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I...
I MUST SAY I AM APPALLED AT YOUR BEHAVIOUR.
USING A KNIFE
TO CUT UP YOUR SALAD.
YES, YOU.
LETTING YOUR ELBOWS
FLAP AS YOU EAT LIKE AN EMU
IN FULL GALLOP.
SOPPING UP GRAVY
WITH YOUR BREAD AS THOUGH IT WERE A KITCHEN SPONGE.
YOU AND YOU.
NO, NO, NO, IT SIMPLY WON'T DO.
WHAT IS REQUIRED HERE, I SEE,
IS SOME GOOD OLD-FASHIONED INSTRUCTION
IN THE BASIC RULES OF ETIQUETTE.
NOW, FIRST THE NAPKIN...
MY PERSONAL APOLOGIES
TO EVERYONE.
COFFEE AND PORT WILL BE SERVED
FREE OF CHARGE TO MAKE UP
FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE.
YES, BUT, BUT MR. TREMAYNE.
YOU SEE I HAVE A NAPKIN BECAUSE,
BECAUSE I HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT.
YES, LET ME EXPLAIN IT.
AH, OH, OH.
AT THIS RATE, YOU'RE GOING TO COST ME
MORE MONEY THAN YOU'VE INVESTED.
DON'T THINK YOU CAN BARGE IN HERE BECAUSE YOU HAPPEN
TO HAVE BAILED ME OUT WITH YOUR ROYALTIES.
I WOULDN'T DREAM OF INTERFERING IN YOUR BUSINESS,
BUT I'LL NOT HAVE PEOPLE SLURP THEIR SOUP,
PICK THEIR TEETH IN MY DINING ROOM.
YOUR DINING ROOM?
NEED I REMIND YOU THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GOOD HOTEL
AND A SECOND-RATE FLOP HOUSE.
WHY, A TRULY GRAND HOTEL LEAVES ITS GUESTS ENRICHED AND REFINED.
THE WOMAN IS POSITIVELY
BLOOD-CURDLING.
HELLO?
UH, MISS MOREAU, YOU WANTED SOME HOT WATER FOR YOUR BATH?
OH, YES, COME IN.
THANK YOU, GOOSE.
UH, IT'S GUS.
YOU ARE MY HERO.
OH, IT'S NOTHING, ISN'T IT?
I BRING PEOPLE HOT WATER ALL THE TIME.
YOU LIKE ME, DON'T YOU?
OF COURSE I DO.
YOU'RE A VERY NICE PERSON.
VERY SWEET.
I HAVE BEEN ALL MY LIFE IN A CONVENT SCHOOL.
I KNOW NOTHING OF THE WORLD.
OF COURSE NOT.
YOU MAY, YOU MAY KISS ME
AS A REWARD, IF YOU LIKE.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND OFFER,
MISS MOREAU, BUT...
FELICITY?
ARTHUR, UH, OH, DEAR.
NO ONE TOLD...
WELCOME BACK TO AVONLEA.
UM, I'VE, I'VE COME OUT HERE
TO, TO ASK YOU IF YOU, IF YOU MIGHT...
WELL, I WAS HOPING YOU'D DO ME THE HONOUR OF...
IF, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO, I, I WOULDN'T DREAM OF IMPOSING.
ARE YOU TRYING TO INVITE ME
TO THE VALENTINE'S DANCE, ARTHUR PETTIBONE?
I'D LOVE TO GO... EXCEPT I'VE ALREADY ACCEPTED
THE INVITATION OF SOMEONE ELSE.
WHO IS IT?
I WILL NOT HAVE BOYS FIGHTING
OVER ME, ARTHUR PETTIBONE.
THE IDEA.
I'M SORRY TO DISTURB YOU SO LATE,
BUT WE MUST SPEAK, GENTLEMAN TO GENTLEMAN.
WELL, IT'S A BIT LATE TO BE A GENTLEMAN BUT I'LL GIVE IT A GO.
I'LL BE FORTHRIGHT.
YOUR INVITATION TO FELICITY KING WAS UNFAIR
BECAUSE YOU KNEW ABOUT THE DANCE FIRST.
I'D LIKE TO DANCE WITH HER.
I'D LIKE TO SPIT DIAMONDS, BUT THAT DON'T MAKE IT SO.
AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU COME FROM,
BUT HERE IN AVONLEA, IT'S FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED.
IS IT FAIR THAT YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF
INFORMATION THAT I DIDN'T KNOW?
WE ALL HAVE ADVANTAGES.
MINE IS THAT I HAVE TO WORK FOR A LIVING.
I'M SORRY, MR. PARAKEET, BUT HOTEL RULES STIPULATE THAT ALL
PETS ARE TO BE KEPT IN THE BARN.
MY NAME'S PACKET, AND NOT PARAKEET.
AND I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW
THAT METHUSELAH HERE IS 120 YEARS OLD
AND SLEEPS WHERE I SLEEP.
AND WHEN HE DIES, HE WILL BE STUFFED AND GIVEN
HIS OWN EXHIBITION SPOT AT THE SMITHSONIAN INSTITUTE.
THERE ONCE WAS A LADY FROM NEW YORK...
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
...WHO SLURPED HER SOUP WITH A FORK.
WHAT A PERVERSE CREATURE.
PERVERSE CREATURE...
AH, METHUSELAH, I THOUGHT I HEARD YOUR DULCET TONES -- AWK.
AT LAST, THE VOICE OF REASON.
IF IT WERE ONE OF MY STUDENTS, I'D, I'D WASH ITS MOUTH OUT.
THIS WOMAN IS REFUSING US LODGING, MR. TREMAYNE.
YES, I AM.
NO WONDER THIS PLACE IS LOSING MONEY.
YOU MUST DISCRIMINATE.
THAT, THAT THING SMELLS LIKE A MOULDY BLANKET.
YOU, NO DOUBT, MAY SUFFER THE SAME KIND
OF BODILY FERMENTATION WHEN YOU ARE 120 YEARS OLD, MISS KING.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
UH, COME ALONG, KIND SIR.
I SHALL SEE THAT YOU ARE COMFORTABLE INDEED
IN OUR HUMBLE ESTABLISHMENT.
AWK!
THERE ARE MORE COMPLAINTS, MISS KING.
"I WILL NOT RETURN TO THIS ESTABLISHMENT IF IT MEANS"
"HAVING MY GRAMMAR CORRECTED AT BREAKFAST."
NO DOUBT LODGED BY THAT WOMAN WHO KEPT SAYING "IRREGARDLESS".
DOES THE PHRASE "THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT"
MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?
THE MAN TO WHOM
YOU ASCRIBED DRUNKENNESS IS A MINSTER IN THE GOVERNMENT!
THE WOMAN WHO USED THE WORD "IRREGARDLESS" IS
A WEALTHY PATRON OF THE ARTS FROM BOSTON.
MOST OF OUR GUESTS HERE ARE TOURISTS WHO DO NOT TAKE KINDLY
TO YOUR...YOUR PROVINCIAL MEDDLING.
PROVINCIAL?
HERE I HAVE A STACK OF BILLS.
AND YOU ARE CHASING PAYING GUESTS OUT OF THE DOOR.
YOU...YOU DON'T PRESENT YOURSELF PROPERLY.
YOU'RE-- THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T ATTRACT
THE BEST CLIENTELE.
YOU JUST PUT UP WITH THE RUCK
AND RABBLE OF SOCIETY.
RIGHT.
SIT HERE, IF YOU PLEASE.
WHATEVER FOR?
I INTEND TO PUT YOU IN CHARGE.
YOU DO?
YES.
YOU ARE NOW IN SUPREME AND TOTAL COMMAND
OF THE WHITE SANDS HOTEL...
WITH ONE CONDITION.
IF YOU CAN MAKE A SUCCESS OF THE VALENTINE'S DAY DANCE,
I WILL CONSIDER MAKING OUR ARRANGEMENT A PERMANENT ONE.
BUT IF YOU FAIL,
YOU MUST AGREE TO BECOME A SILENT PARTNER.
THEN I GAIN THE USE OF YOUR FUNDS
WITHOUT ANY FURTHER COMMENTS OR INTERFERENCE.
ARE WE AGREED?
ABSOLUTELY.
[ PLAYING WALTZ MUSIC ]
FELICITY, EITHER YOU LEAD OR I DO.
AM I WRONG TO ENJOY BEING THE OBJECT IN A RIVALRY?
YES.
I JUST THINK YOU'RE TAKING THIS WHOLE BUSINESS
WITH GUS AND ARTHUR TOO SERIOUSLY.
ALTHOUGH I SUPPOSE IT WOULD BE RATHER FLATTERING,
BOTH OF THEM VYING FOR YOU.
GUS IS VERY SWEET AND HARD-WORKING,
AND HE ADORES ME.
AND HE'S REALLY GENUINE, FELICITY, NOT LIKE--
AND ARTHUR IS SO HANDSOME AND MYSTERIOUS AND INTENSE.
HE IS RATHER EARNEST.
HE'S A LITTLE BIT TOO STIFF AND SORT OF HARD TO GET TO KNOW.
WHO WILL WIN MY HEART, I WONDER?
FELICITY, THAT IS COMPLETELY UP TO YOU.
YOU ARE NOT JUST A BONE TO BE WRESTLED OVER BY TWO DOGS.
REALLY -- PERHAPS IF YOU HAD SOME MORE CONVENTIONAL IDEAS,
MORE BOYS WOULD ASK YOU TO DANCE.
YOU COULD KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE.
NO OFFENCE, FELIX, BUT I THINK YOU'RE A BIT YOUNG
TO BE GIVIN' ROMANTIC ADVICE.
WELL, IF YOU ASK ME, YOU SHOULD INTRODUCE ARTHUR TO SUZETTE,
THEN HE'D EITHER LOSE INTEREST IN FELICITY...
OR SHE WOULD SEE SUZETTE TRYING TO KISS HIM,
AND SHE'D LOSE INTEREST IN HIM.
BY THE BOOK, FELIX, THAT'S A BRILLIANT IDEA!
BUT HOW?
EVERYONE LIKES MAPLE SUGAR TIME.
FELICITY.
FELIX, ARTHUR!
I DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE YOU HERE.
IT'S A COINCIDENCE NEITHER OF US MENTIONED IT TODAY AT WORK.
OH, ARTHUR, I DON'T THINK YOU'VE EVER HAD THE CHANCE
TO MEET SUZETTE MOREAU.
GLAD TO MEET YOU, MISS MOREAU.
CAN I HELP YOU SOMEHOW?
IF SHE NEEDS SOME HELP, I'LL GIVE IT TO HER.
ISN'T GOOSE A SWEETIE-PIE BOY?
GOOSE?
ARTHUR HERE IS ACTUALLY MORE SWEETIE-PIE THAN I AM.
THAT MAY BE TRUE.
FELIX, SHOULDN'T YOU BE GETTING SUZETTE HERE BACK TO HER UNCLE?
FELIX?
WHAT IF SHE TRIES TO KISS ME?
IT'S JUST MAPLE SUGAR.
TRY SOME.
YOU FIRST.
[ HUMMING ]
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE VALENTINE'S DAY, MOTHER?
I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU EVER HAD
TWO BOYS FIGHTING OVER YOU, MOTHER.
TWO?
NO, NOT TWO.
THERE WERE FIVE
THE YEAR I WAS YOUR AGE.
FIVE? WHAT DID YOU DO?
WELL, THEY WERE SO BUSY
FIGHTING OVER ME AND PAYING ATTENTION
TO EACH OTHER THAT WHEN A PERFECTLY NICE BOY
STARTED PAYING ATTENTION TO ME, I FELL HEAD OVER HEELS FOR HIM.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO HIM?
OH, HE'S OUT IN THE BARN RIGHT NOW, SHOVELLING PIG MANURE.
THE OTHER FIVE ARE
PROBABLY STILL FIGHTING OVER ME SOMEWHERE.
[ KNOCKING ]
FELICITY, HELLO.
I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE--
WHAT HAPPENED TO SUZETTE?
SUZETTE?
YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY BEEN PAYING SOME ATTENTION
TO PIERRE LAPIERRE'S NIECE.
DON'T TRY PRETENDING TO ME THAT YOU
HAVEN'T NOTICED THAT SHE'S PRETTY.
SHE TRIES TOO HARD, IF YOU ASK ME.
ALL THAT "SWEETIE-PIE" NONSENSE.
WELL, SURE I NOTICED HER.
SHE MAY BE A LOT MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN YOU, FELICITY,
BUT THAT MEANS NOTHING TO ME.
OH, FELICITY, IF YOU SLAM THE DOOR ON EVERY BOY
WHO PUTS HIS FOOT IN HIS MOUTH,
YOU'RE GOING TO NEED IRON HINGES.
[ KNOCKING ]
PIERRE LAPIERRE, IF THAT IS YOU, I REFUSE TO DISCUSS
THOSE POTATOES ANY FURTHER.
INSPECTOR GULLEY GOGARTY
FROM THE MINISTRY OF PUBLIC HEALTH.
GOOD EVENING, MA'AM.
OH, GOODNESS, I THOUGHT YOU GOVERNMENT PEOPLE
STOPPED WORKING MUCH EARLIER IN THE DAY THAN THIS.
OH, HEAVENS, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'M HERE TO INSPECT THE HOTEL,
SO IF YOU COULD FETCH MR. TREMAYNE FOR ME...
MR. GOGARTY, IS IT?
YES, WELL, I AM IN CHARGE HERE, AND I AM AFRAID, NO,
THIS IS NOT A CONVENIENT TIME.
SURPRISE!
[ CHUCKLING ]
THE WAY IT WORKS, MRS. KING--
MISS...MISS HETTY KING.
MRS. KING, I AM EMPOWERED BY THE CROWN TO PERFORM
INSPECTIONS ON HOTELS AND PUBLIC HOUSES.
OH, I SEE.
WELL, YOU NEEDN'T WASTE YOUR TIME, MR. GOGARTY.
I ASSURE YOU THIS HOTEL IS WELL ABOVE STANDARD.
AND SO I'LL BID YOU GOOD NIGHT.
I'M AFRAID YOU CAN'T GET OFF SO EASILY, MRS. KING.
I'LL TAKE A ROOM FOR THE NIGHT, I'LL DINE IN THE DINING ROOM,
AND I'LL START MY INSPECTION...
WELL, TOMORROW.
AFTER YOU, MRS. KING.
YOUR HAT.
YES, MY HAT.
YES, THIS WAY.
IT'S MISS KING.
MISS KING, IS IT?
MISS HETTY KING.
MISS HETTY KING, YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
HERE WE ARE.
WELL, I JUST...
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, MR. TREMAYNE.
SAME TO YOU, MASTER KING.
AND IS THERE A SPECIAL VALENTINE IN YOUR YOUNG LIFE?
NO, SIR.
IF I GET MY WAY, THERE
NEVER WILL BE.
ONE SELDOM GETS ONE'S WAY IN SUCH MATTERS, MASTER KING.
WILL YOU GO TO THE DANCE THIS EVENING, MR. TREMAYNE?
I MIGHT LOOK IN.
BUT TRUTH BE TOLD, I'M RATHER ENJOYING
MY SOLITUDE AND FREE TIME.
I WAS JUST WONDERING, BECAUSE LAST TIME MR. GOGARTY WAS HERE,
YOU WERE ALL IN A PANIC.
MMM.
GULLEY GOGARTY IS HERE?
OH, GOOD GOD!
HMM.
SO, MR. INSPECTOR, YOU ARE A PAIN IN THE NECK
IN MY KITCHEN.
WELL, IT'S MY JOB, CHEF LAPIERRE.
I DON'T TELL YOU HOW
TO BOIL POTATOES, NOW.
HMM, HMM.
QU'EST-CE QUE C'EST, "HMM, HMM"?
I DON'T MIND TELLING YOU, CHEF PIERRE, THIS IS
THE MOST HYGIENIC ENVIRONMENT I HAVE EVER HAD THE HONOUR
TO INSPECT.
THIS IS GOOD?
THIS IS VERY GOOD.
THEN...
A TOAST TO MY KITCHEN.
[ SIGHING ]
ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION
WHILE WORKING, ATTEMPTING TO INFLUENCE
A GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
IN THE EXECUTION OF HIS DUTIES.
THIS IS NOT GOOD.
GUS.
FELICITY.
I KNEW YOU'D KEEP YOUR PROMISE TO ME.
AND I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR FORGIVING ME AND ALL.
NOW, I'LL JUST BE A LITTLE
WHILE LONGER -- THEN I CAN GET CLEANED UP,
AND WE'LL HAVE THAT DANCE.
I'LL BE WAITING FOR YOU, GUS.
[ KNOCKING ]
[ SQUAWKING ]
TCH, TCH, TCH, TCH, TCH.
POLLY WANT A CRACKER?
[ SQUAWKING ]
GOOD EVENING, GOOD EVENING.
GET THE GUEST LIST, WOULD YOU?
MRS. BRADWORTH,
WELL, HOW LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
NOW, UH--
CONTROL YOURSELF.
UP TILL NOW, I'VE ADMIRED YOUR COMPOSURE.
BLAST MY COMPOSURE.
HAS HE PASSED THIS WAY?
WHO?
HMPH, HE'S AN INSPECTOR, AN INSPECTOR,
NOT THE ANGEL OF DEATH.
THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG.
I GOT SOME BAD NEWS.
"HAVE", GUS, YOU "HAVE" SOME BAD NEWS.
TERRIBLE BAD NEWS.
METH...METH...
THE BIRD IS DEAD.
WE WENT TO DO MR. PACKET'S ROOM,
AND HE JUST DIED.
BUT IT WASN'T MY FAULT.
I ONLY ASKED HIM IF HE WANTED A CRACKER.
HAD THE WRETCHED CREATURE ANY LAST WORDS?
FOLLOW ME, LADS!
I WAS JUST GOING TO TOSS HIM IN THE GARBAGE.
TOSS HIM?
HE BELONGS IN THE SMITHSONIAN.
HE'S EXTINCT.
PUT HIM...
PUT HIM IN THE ICE HOUSE.
SAY NOTHING TO ANYONE.
I WANT TO BREAK THIS TO MR. PACKET
IN THE GENTLEST POSSIBLE MANNER.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I SAW THE OLDEST THING IN THE WORLD
CROAK RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.
I'M ALREADY LATE PICKING UP FELICITY.
SHE MIGHT GO WITH ARTHUR.
THEN YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK.
GOOSE ...MY GOOSE!
LET'S GO IN THERE.
WE CAN HAVE SOME PRIVACY.
OOH, BUT ARE YOU A GENTLEMAN, MY GOOSE?
OH, A PERFECT GENTLEMAN.
NOW, JUST, UH--
STAND IN THE CLOSET THERE.
NOW, CLOSE YOUR EYES.
AND JUST PUCKER UP.
TAKE THE BIRD TO THE ICE HOUSE.
I'M GOING TO GET MY VALENTINE.
♪
HMM.
[ LAUGHING ]
YOU LOOK BRILLIANT TONIGHT, FELICITY.
THANK YOU, GUS.
GOOD EVENING, FELICITY.
GUS.
WILL YOU EXCUSE US JUST ONE MOMENT?
I WILL HAVE MY DANCE WITH FELICITY KING, GUS PIKE.
THEN YOU'LL DANCE WITH MY FIST IN YOUR EYE.
GOING WELL, DON'T YOU THINK?
FELICITY.
HE'S NOT IN THE SOLARIUM.
WHERE IS THE BLASTED MAN?
HE'S MOVED OUT TO THE OUTBUILDINGS THEN.
METHUSELAH'S CORPSE IS IN THE ICE HOUSE!
ARE YOU MAD?
THE DANCE IS ABOUT TO START.
IF GOGARTY FINDS A BIRD CORPSE IN THE ICE HOUSE,
HE'LL SHUT DOWN THE HOTEL IMMEDIATELY.
THAT WOULD PUT A CRIMP IN YOUR DANCE, WOULDN'T IT, HUH?
WHAT SCOUNDREL IS RESPONSIBLE?
GOOSE PIKE.
HOW GOOD TO SEE YOU
AGAIN, MR. GOGARTY.
THERE IS A DEAD BUZZARD IN YOUR ICE HOUSE.
BUZZARD?
WHERE DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?
IT IS NOT A BUZZARD.
IT IS THE SINGLE MOST DISGUSTING THING I HAVE COME ACROSS
IN MY ENTIRE 10 YEARS OF INSPECTIONS.
I HEREBY ORDER THIS HOTEL COMPLETELY SHUT DOWN
FOR A FULL INVESTIGATION
AND FUMIGATION.
OH, GOODNESS.
I-I-I...
YOUR LACK OF SOPHISTICATION IS
A RESULT OF YOUR DILIGENCE AND HARD WORK,
SO YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME.
I BEG YOUR PARDON.
THERE IS NO REASON A HEALTH INSPECTOR
SHOULD BE AWARE OF HAUTE CUISINE.
THIS IS TODAY'S GOURMET PIECE DE RESISTANCE.
CHEF PIERRE'S SPECIAL POULTRY DISH.
BEST GET THIS BACK TO THE KITCHEN.
IMMEDIATELY.
FELICITY.
I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.
I NEED A WORD WITH YOU, GUS PIKE.
IS YOUR DANCE CARD OPEN AT ALL?
APPARENTLY SO.
I WONDER WHAT THAT WAS ALL ABOUT.
WELL, IT SEEMS THAT GUS WAS SOMEWHAT
TOO FRIENDLY TOWARDS SUZETTE.
IT MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THAT.
SHE'S VERY BEAUTIFUL.
OH, GUS SEEMS TO THINK SO,
BUT I FIND HER TOO SWEET FOR WORDS.
WHY DID YOU LOCK MY NIECE IN A CLOSET?
I WANT YOU TO TELL ME THE TRUTH.
WELL, EVER SINCE SHE'S BEEN HERE, SUZETTE HAS BEEN...AT ME.
I DIDN'T WANT TO... SHE'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
OH, MON ONCLE, HE WAS PERHAPS PLAYING A GAME WITH ME.
WAIT TILL I WRITE YOUR MOTHER.
NOW,
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT SPECIFICALLY,
GUS PIKE?
WELL, SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL AND SWEET AND INNOCENT.
WELL, I IMPLORED HER FOR A KISS.
BUT SHE SAID NO, SO I LOCKED HER IN THE CLOSET.
I'M SORRY, PIERRE.
I'M SORRY, SUZETTE.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
TOI, TU DOIS DIRE LA VERITE.
DON'T YOU BACK TALK ME, PIERRE LAPIERRE.
AND DON'T ASK ME TO EXPLAIN, EITHER.
SUFFICE IT TO SAY
THAT THE FATE OF THIS HOTEL RESTS UPON YOU WHIPPING UP
SOME SORT OF POULTRY DISH THAT LOOKS
LIKE THIS PARROT.
OH, NO, YOU FOOL.
HEAVEN'S, MAN!
I SAID MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THE PARROT.
DON'T ACTUALLY COOK THE WRETCHED THING.
PUT IT IN THE ICEBOX.
I KNOW THAT, YOU BONE-HEARTED WOMAN.
"BONE-HEADED", THE TERM IS "BONE-HEADED".
WELL, GET BUSY.
VITE, VITE.
GET BUSY!
GOOSE?
GET ON AWAY FROM ME.
LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE.
MY GIRL IS WHIRLING AROUND WITH ANOTHER FELLA.
YOU TOLD MON ONCLE PIERRE WHAT YOU TOLD
SO HE WOULDN'T SENT ME BACK TO THE CONVENT SCHOOL?
MM-HMM.
THANK YOU, KIND GENTLEMAN.
HE HAS WRITTEN MY MOTHER, SO I MUST GO.
BUT I'M GOING TO GET YOU BACK YOUR GIRL.
YOU'RE A VERY GOOD DANCER.
ONLY WHEN I'M WITH YOU.
I THOUGHT IT WAS ME YOU CARED FOR!
WHAT? I SAID NO SUCH THING.
WHEN YOU KISSED ME IN THE WOODS, YOU SWORE THIS VALENTINE
WOULD BE FOR ME AND YOU.
HE'S A VERY GOOD KISSER, MADEMOISELLE.
IT'S NOT TRUE.
I'M GLAD YOU'VE SEEN THE TRUE PERSON
BEHIND HIS FANCY CLOTHES AND MANNERS, FELICITY.
YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF THIS INNOCENT, SWEET GIRL.
SHE'S FROM A CONVENT!
AND CHEF PIERRE'S NIECE AT THAT.
REALLY!
WELL DONE.
WELL, MISS KING, IT APPEARS THAT YOU MAY BE
ABOUT TO WIN OUR WAGER.
IT SEEMS THIS DANCE MAY BE A GREAT SUCCESS AFTER ALL.
BUT I'VE NOT WON THE WAGER.
MR. TREMAYNE, NO, IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR YOUR DECISIVENESS,
YOUR HAUTE CUISINE, THIS HOTEL WOULD HAVE BEEN
CLOSED FOR CERTAIN.
BESIDES, I'M COMING TO SEE THE WRITER'S STRENGTH
MORE AS OBSERVER THAN PROTAGONIST.
I HONESTLY DO THINK IT BEST
IF I BE, IF NOT A SILENT PARTNER,
AT LEAST A REASONABLY QUIET ONE.
SINCE WE ARE PARTNERS, PLEASE CALL ME SIMON.
HENRIETTA.
PERHAPS, HENRIETTA, YOU WOULD HONOUR ME
WITH A VALENTINE'S DANCE?
YES.
I HEARD THE BEST PLAN IS TO IGNORE 'EM COMPLETELY
WHEN THIS KIND OF A THING HAPPENS.
YOU KNOW IF WE DID THAT, WE'D BE
EXACTLY THE KIND OF CHEATS THEY THINK WE ARE, ANYWAY.
HMM.
OH, OH, OH!
METH...METH...METH... METHUSELAH...NO...
METHUSELAH...
WE'RE RUINED.
NO...METHUSELAH... OH, NO, NO, NO...
OH!
FELIX.
MON CHERIE. WHAT IS THIS?
OH!
YOUNG LADY, YOU COME WITH ME.
SEE, IT'S BEST TO PRETEND YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM.