*
(alarm beeping)
(birds chirping)
*
Hey, sweetheart!
Hey!
Time to get up.
(murmuring)
Come on.
It's so nice under here.
Come on, babe, it's Christmas.
No, it's not.
I just want 10 more minutes.
I put the coffee on.
You're one of the good ones.
Come on, we've got a whole day ahead.
Why don't you want to sleep more?
I hate sleeping.
It's like practicing for death.
-That's terrible. -Sorry, it just
fell outta my head.
Be back in five minutes with the coffee?
Thank you.
Still you like your coffee how you like me?
Hot, black, and... half a Splenda?
Always.
*
(birds chirping)
No, no, no, no, I can't.
I can't stop by.
Uh, we actually stay at my mom's house
the night before, you know.
It's just kinda like tradition.
Mm-hm.
Yeah, well, I mean, that's pretty good.
I mean, I don't know--
But I'll be free Friday and it sounds like fun.
I mean, do you think Ellen could come along?
Ha! Shut up, no.
No, no, no, no, it's not like that.
She's just been crashing with me
and I wanna introduce her to cool people I know
and you too, I guess.
(laughing)
Yeah, but she just went through a bad breakup
and it was really messy and a big bowl of dumb,
um, but, you know, I'm proud of her.
You know, stickin' up for herself and everything, so.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, hey, listen.
I gotta go 'cause I'm making eggs,
and I don't have one of those headsets,
because they make you look like a douche, so, uh...
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Well, I'll talk to you later then.
Okay, bye.
(sighing)
Morning, kiddo.
(yawning)
Good morning.
Did you sleep okay out here?
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
You lucked out.
Because I'm pretty sure my last couch
my ex-girlfriend bought at a Guantanamo Bay garage sale,
so...
Well, I don't see any anti-terrorist measures
built into this one.
So, uh, did you end up shutting your phone off?
Yeah, yeah, that was a good call.
I think even on vibrate it still probably woulda
woken me up.
Yep.
Well, you know, today, just...
push it outta your mind, you know?
*
Are you sure it's okay if I tag along
to your whole holiday?
Do you want to be alone?
No.
Okay! Then you're invited.
Come on-- breakfast, eggs.
Actually, I'm allergic to eggs.
Oh...um--
Psych!
*
Dick!
(laughing)
*
Okay.
Why did Jesus get crucified?
To get to the other side?
*
To get to the other side.
To get to the other side!
To get to... the other side.
To get to the other side!
Eh? Eh?
So, one guy walks into the bar.
The second guy walks in, he has AIDS.
AIDS!
(laughing)
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender looks at the horse, says,
"I can't stand Jews."
Jews!
(laughing)
Get it? Like, the Jewish.
Eh? Eh?
Please come back to bed.
*
(sighing)
Hmph.
(knocking)
(repeated knocking)
*
Can I help you?
Yeah, you can help me.
You can help everyone!
By learning how to park your fucking car!
Am I--am I out of the line or crooked or something?
You're faced nose out,
you entitled little shit.
You think you can park any way you want, asshole?
*
Is this what you want? I'm ready.
Do a froggy and leap, bitch.
What's wrong?
Oh, you didn't understand?
I'm sorry--your fucking car
is parked the wrong fucking way!
I don't think you're this angry
about the way I parked my car.
Just tell me what's wrong.
What pisses me off is smug assholes like you
that think you can do whatever the fuck you want
and shit on those of us who actually follow the rules.
There's no way you are this angry
about the car--I mean, there's no way you went
from 0 to 80 about this.
I feel like you were just going around about 65.
Something's really gettin' to you.
Just--just talk to me, man.
*
My boss is a dick, okay?
Oh, God, I hate to hear that, that sucks.
He's over my shoulder every day,
tearin' down every bit of work I've ever done,
second-guessing every decision I've ever made.
I gotta take all that shit, bottle that up...
take it home...
and take it out on my wife, okay?
That's not fair for either one of you.
(distant traffic roaring)
I love her, man.
I really do.
I give her 16 tons of shit every day.
You know what she gives me?
A smile.
She always finds a way to give me a smile.
I feel like the only thing I give to her is
the strength to... breathe occasionally.
God, that sounds-- that sounds tough.
Have you tried to talk to her about this?
No.
-No, I feel-- -Embarrassed?
Yeah.
Worthless.
I'm a grown man, you know?
Should be able to handle myself better than this.
Be better, you know?
Sometimes, we all need a little bit of help, man,
I mean, it's-- life is tough, and, you know,
everyone needs someone to talk to and hold on to.
I really feel like she's that person for you.
I feel like you should go home and talk to her.
You know what, man?
I think I'm gonna go home, call the office,
piece-of-shit work.
Just be with my wife, you know?
That sounds like a really good plan.
Thanks, man, I really appreciate it.
Yeah, no problem.
Seriously. Good luck.
It really is city ordinance, though, man.
You can't park nose out in this lot.
Oh, yeah, I'll make a note of it--thanks!
Appreciate it.
Have a good one. Good luck!
I'm sorry I'm late.
(huffing)
(coughing and laughing)
Oh my God!
I thought huffing a whole can of Raid
would kill me!
I see spiders everywhere, man.
Are you okay?
Oh...mm, man.
After something like that...
every day's a gift.
(lighter clicking)
(birds singing)
Look, I needed to talk to you.
I don't want you to talk.
I want you to pay.
I--I don't have the money right now.
So you made a bet
without the money to pay it.
I was feelin' lucky.
The Atlanta Hawks are never lucky.
Do you know what I was gonna do with that money?
No.
I was gonna buy her an engagement ring.
I was gonna make her an honest woman.
We were gonna start fresh together.
Oh...I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
(hysterical laughing)
I don't know who this woman is, man.
I'm gonna spend it on drugs!
Think, McFly, think!
Jesus Christ, did you see what I did there?
Uh...Friday. I can get it to you Friday?
You're making a bad choice.
You're choosing to be a real piece of shit.
You know what happens to pieces of shit in this house?
They get flushed down the toilet.
We don't negotiate with shit.
No, I'm completely serious.
Uh, I can have it to you Friday,
when I get back from my family's dinner.
*
You know, Tony owed.
Do you know what happened to Tony?
No.
Got his dick cut off.
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Man, I didn't cut somebody's dick off!
What kind of person do you think I am?
Oh my God! That'd be fucking gay.
We hit him in front of his family.
So, are you gonna give me my money,
or am I gonna flush that bald head of yours
down the toilet?
No, I--I can have it to you Friday,
uh, with an extra grand for interest.
So, Friday,
you're gonna give me all of the money
plus a thousand dollars to say you're sorry?
Y-yes, sir.
You know...
I didn't get into drug dealing
or illegal betting for the money.
It's about the people.
Get the fuck outta my house!
*
Tobey, I want you to make sure
that son of a bitch pays.
I want it PDQ!
What?
As soon as possible!
All right.
Now, go and keep an eye on him.
Sure.
Can I get a little for the road?
Oh, yeah, yeah, road crack, yeah.
*
(thudding)
You didn't even try to catch it.
*
America, man.
*
(deeply inhaling, exhaling)
How much longer until it's ready
to come out of the oven?
Patience, sweetheart.
Anticipation is the best part.
Are you ready for the list?
Hit me.
"Green bean casserole."
Check.
"Dumplings."
Triple check.
"Cornbread pudding."
Quadruple check.
The turkey's in the oven, more sides are on the way.
Affirmative.
You're so organized.
You're a proper Air Force brat.
Efficiency is in my blood.
You really are something.
-Permission to hug? -Granted.
*
(sighing)
(doorbell ringing)
Hm.
(clearing throat)
-Hey, sis! -Hey!
-It's good to see ya. -Oh, it's so good to see you!
And you are?
Nice to meet you, I'm Ellen.
Oh, I'm Tina. Welcome.
The more, the merrier.
Yeah, this is my friend. I just invited her along, so.
Oh, a new "friend," huh?
Yes, this is...my friend.
You don't have to use those cagey terms with us.
Now, gimme your dish.
No--no, no, no, no.
We're not dating.
This really is just my friend.
We all know you're a lesbonian
and we love you just the same.
We're so glad to have you here.
Now, follow me.
Well, that's a thing.
"Lesbonian"?
Uh...yeah.
When I came out to her, I was so nervous,
I pronounced it wrong.
And I haven't had the heart to correct her.
She's sheltered.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm leaving now, yeah.
I'm gettin' ready to hit the road.
It's no big deal,
I'm just gonna hop on the interstate,
I'll go--I'll go over there, we'll do the family thing,
and then I'll just get in the car and be back--
I'll just drive back Sunday night.
It'll be fine.
I'm a pro, man, I'll put my game face on.
I'll be there Monday morning ready to rock.
Don't worry about it.
No, I'm not talking to you while I'm driving.
What do you think I am, some kind of amateur?
Man, come on, you know me, I'm safety first, you know.
Okay, yeah.
It's already in the spreadsheet, I'll double-check it.
It's--all right, it's cool, we got this.
I'll see you Monday, yeah.
Okay.
*
Happy Thanksgiving to you too.
See you Monday. All right, bye.
*
Christ.
Eighteen hours to go and I already have to pee?
Phew.
Feelin' like some kind of amateur over here.
*
(unzipping)
(urinating)
(sighing with relief)
Oh, God, yeah.
(urination continues)
*
(still urinating)
*
Mm!
Oh, God.
That was close.
(urinal flushing)
Phew.
Whoo!
*
Yeah.
I'm not so sure I can hold.
I've been on hold for 45 minutes already
and I--no.
No! Argh!
Excuse me, is everything okay?
Not exactly.
My car no longer has the will to live.
And I've been on hold for forever and a day
trying to get a tow.
Well, I could take a look at it, if you'd like.
Sure. Why not?
I'm Nancy, by the way.
Terry.
*
Well...
the engine's still there.
Um...
other than that, I'm not exactly sure.
I, um, am really not that much of a car guy.
Uh...
if the coolant had been low, I could refill that,
but that's pretty much it.
Thanks anyway.
I really hate to see you stranded.
If you want, I can, you know,
I can give you a lift somewhere.
*
Well, I do need to get to Exit 18,
if it wouldn't put you out too bad.
No, actually, it's right on my way.
That'd be great.
Cool.
(crunching)
*
Hi, I'm Ellen.
Mm--hi, I'm Liam.
I'm Renee's uncle.
Oh, no, but you see, he's so much more than that.
You see, he's also unemployable,
has had a vicious back-and-forth cycle
with Christianity and alcoholism, respectively,
and to top it all off, he was the first in his class
to tap out my mother's savings before she died.
Good job!
I--oh.
And we also all inherited the house,
and Tina has taken it upon herself
to inherit filling his pockets
every time he shows up at her doorstep.
If you can't get help from family,
then what good are we?
T., there's a difference between being helpful
and being an ATM with a pulse.
I--I'm gonna go make my bed.
There's fresh linens waiting for you.
Nah.
*
I don't feel good about what I just did,
but I'm not mad that it happened.
He tries his best.
He works for movers two days a week,
and he goes on interviews all the time.
You know, if you saw him more than twice a year,
you might have a kinder view of him.
So you're not gonna tell me that your savings are empty
because of him?
It's not polite to discuss finances.
Ellen! Do you like stuffing?
I like all the stuffing!
Excellent. Come be my taste-tester.
Yeah.
*
(sighing)
First Thanksgiving with the family.
It's a pretty big step.
I've spent three Christmases with all of you.
Yeah, but it's different.
There's--there's turkey.
There's turkey at Christmas, too.
It's not the same turkey, you know?
I can't explain myself.
So, how many people come?
Oh, there's lots-- cousins, in-laws.
Think everyone shows up 'cause my sister's stuffing
tastes just like my mom's:
perfect.
That sounds really nice.
Oh, it is.
And once all the extended family leaves,
we watch "Planes, Trains & Automobiles."
I've never seen it.
Never seen it?
How did you get past security?
I slipped past when no one was looking.
You are a sneaky woman.
*
Uh, I should be ready in about 10 minutes?
The yams.
I hate yams.
Did you just say what I think you just said?
I...I just don't like them.
Have you tried them with butter and brown sugar?
No.
Oh, so you haven't had them.
I just don't like them.
I think I'll get a bite from downstairs.
I just brushed my teeth.
Well, tomorrow, you are trying them.
(deep sigh)
*
So...
boxers or briefs?
Excuse me?
What kind of panties are you rockin'?
Boxers or tighty-whities?
I--I don't understand the--
It's not a difficult question.
It doesn't require much thought.
Boxer-briefs, actually.
You see?
What I did there was break the ice.
Now you're more relaxed and I know I am.
*
How does that make us more relaxed?
Well, you had to go out of your comfort zone,
and now I'm picturing you in your underwear.
Accurately.
So where are you heading?
Home, for the holiday.
Well, obviously.
Indianapolis.
There's a Greyhound at Exit 18.
Hopefully, I can make it home just a little late for dinner.
(chuckling)
Is that funny?
I'm going to Dayton.
-Ohio? -Yeah!
Indianapolis is literally on the way, I mean...
*
I could take you the rest of the way, if you want.
That offer, sir, is a little creepy.
I told you where I was from first.
So this could be some kind of scheme
for some kind of murder-rape.
Yeah, I guess I can see where you're comin' from.
A woman traveling alone.
She can't be too careful.
Answer these questions.
Okay.
Favorite food.
Thai.
*
Favorite band?
It was Warren Zevon.
Favorite movie.
Um...probably--oh, "The Texas Chainsaw...Massacre."
Ooh!
Yeah, I guess that doesn't sound all that great
in this context, huh?
Favorite writer.
R.L. Stine.
The "Goosebumps" guy?
Yeah, he wrote the "Goosebumps," but,
but I'm more into like his earlier stuff,
like "Fear Street."
Sir.
I would be delighted to join you on your trip
across America's heartland.
Happy to help.
*
The Pokey Little Puppy!
It's so cute, Sis!
I like this shirt-- you leave my shirt alone!
Hey, hey!
-Hey! -Hey!
-How's it goin'? -Come here, little bro.
-Mwah! -Oh, gross.
-Hey, asshole. -Hey, hey.
How are you?
-I'm doin' fine. -Good.
Ooh, where's your lady friend?
Oh, she went upstairs-- apparently,
the bellhop service here stinks.
Aww.
Hey, buddy!
Dad's here?
Dad's here.
-Hey, Dad. -Come here.
Um, this is my girlfriend, Sharon.
Hi! It's nice to meet you.
(in mocking voice) "Hi! It's nice to meet you."
Really?
D'ja see the game on TV?
So, we're pretending to watch sports now?
Anything for the family.
(sighing)
(farting)
*
(water running)
*
(farting)
(knocking on door)
Um...occupied!
I'll be out in a second.
(muffled scraping)
I'm in here!
(farting)
(knocking)
Oh my God.
*
Argh!
(screaming)
(chuckling)
Oh my God, that was perfect.
Hi, I'm Rich, Renee's brother.
It's, uh, it's nice to--
Oh my God, did you forget to wipe?
None of your business!
(laughing)
It was nice meeting you.
So, what is she, like, 16?
Is she, like, an Air Force buddy's
great-granddaughter?
I just can't believe he would bring her
into our mother's house like this.
Well, not to be a dick,
but I don't think she's gonna mind.
That is not funny.
Oh, come on, T., I'm not trying to be funny.
He has his own life to live.
And yes, she probably is younger than me--
which is gross--
but wouldn't it be great if he was happy or something?
Yeah, I'm sure he's positively glowing about this.
I just think it's in poor taste.
(panting)
I just met your brother Rich.
He's right on time.
*
Well, I'd say we're about on par
with every other holiday so far.
Try to relax.
That's what holidays are for.
But how would you feel if your dad showed up
with a girlfriend who's five years younger
than you are?
I know it's weird, but is it really
that big of a deal?
Is he happy with her?
Probably, but-- what, is he trying to start
a new family with her?
She's got 20 childbearing years ahead of her.
What's he trying, to start over,
do it right this time?
Okay, stop it.
He didn't say that to you, did he?
He brought her here.
Clearly, he wants her to be part of your family.
Kinda like how I want you to be here?
Yeah.
*
You're good, you know that?
Good at what?
Seeing the other side and showing it to me.
I do what I can.
I love you.
I love you too.
That being said, my brother can fuck himself.
I'm not even gonna try to touch the stuff
between you two.
Just wanna shove his iPhone up his iButt.
(laughing)
That's why I love you.
I don't think anyone in the world
would laugh at that.
I just like butts.
*
I haven't been home in about a year.
I've just been really busy.
You know, that stupid busy
that keeps you from thinking about the important things.
Yeah, I know that busy.
When my car broke down, I really thought my chance
to make it home had passed.
All I could think about was my mom's cooking
and a houseful of cousins.
I basically turned into a Hallmark card.
Well, it worked out, didn't it?
Yeah.
Although now, I kinda feel like John Candy
in "Planes, Trains & Automobiles."
(laughing)
I love that movie.
But I don't think you're nearly as pathetic.
Thank you.
Now can I sell you some shower curtain rings?
(laughing)
*
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Look.
We've easily got 15 hours in the car left together, so...
My mom loved "Planes, Trains."
She--she died about eight years ago.
I'm so sorry.
Every Thanksgiving after dinner,
she'd have us all plop down on the couch
when we were on the verge of a turkey coma,
and she would make us all sit there and watch it,
every year, no exceptions.
That sounds like a nice tradition.
Do you all keep it?
Honestly, I don't know.
I haven't actually been back to Thanksgiving
since she passed.
Why not?
When I was 15, my dad just disappeared.
I mean, he just left.
He left my mom to handle me and my brothers and sisters.
She did an amazing job.
I mean, that woman is my hero.
I--She worked two jobs to put herself through school.
She got a better job.
She found all these new opportunities.
She was just relentless.
-She sounds amazing. -She was.
I mean...
she bought this beautiful big house.
She was the brightest person you'd ever meet.
When she got sick, it didn't matter
how good her insurance was
or what specialists we could find.
I'm so sorry.
My family's wonderful-- I mean,
me and my brothers and sisters,
we all pulled in together.
Tina basically just stepped in
where Mom left off.
I mean...
she has so much Mom in her.
So why don't you want to see them?
I do wanna see them, and I do--
I come home for Christmas every year.
Then why not Thanksgiving?
The first Thanksgiving after Mom passed,
we all got together, like every year,
and sat down to dinner.
Then all of a sudden, there's this knock on the door.
It was my dad.
He'd just found out, and he wanted
to be there for us.
That's great that he cared enough to come.
When he walked through that door
and I saw his face,
it was so painful.
My younger brothers and sisters,
they weren't old enough to remember
all the pain and trouble he caused.
Of course, Tina did, but she's a diplomat.
When I saw him, though, I just stood up
and I just walked out.
I got into the car and I just drove back to Albuquerque.
I left my luggage, my coat.
I just went home.
What happened after that?
He tried to call me,
but I don't wanna listen to anything he has to say.
Then he started trying to become a part
of everyone's life again.
He shows up every Thanksgiving.
He spends Christmas with his family in Rhode Island.
So I come back home for a couple days
around Christmas.
*
Well, I hate to ask this, but...
why are you driving all the way home right now?
Every year, I want to be there.
Every year, I pack the car
and I make the drive.
But when I pull up and I see Dad's car out front
and I realize that he's inside
and Mom never will be again,
I just can't handle it, I just drive on and find a hotel
and then I just go back home in the morning.
That may be the saddest thing that I've ever heard.
Thanks.
I just don't really know what to say.
It's all right.
You don't have to say anything.
I kind of feel like I should be
making jokes about the Holocaust
or dead babies.
Thanks, but I'm all right.
All right, suit yourself.
But I'll keep one in the chamber--
(mimics gun cocking)
--just in case.
*
Hey, I wanted to thank you for such a great video earlier.
What?
Oh, that prank I pulled,
it wasn't to be an ass or something.
It's what I do.
I make videos for online.
You mean, people are actually going to see it?
Oh, thousands already have.
We're at 9,724 right now.
Get away from me.
Understood.
But if you wanna see the video,
it's at prankgirlforgetstowipelol.
(sighing)
Hey.
Are you havin' a good time?
Sure.
Uh-oh.
All right, scoot over.
*
What happened?
-Come on. -He's relentless.
Yeah, well, I hate to say it, but it takes two.
So why are you feeding him by responding?
I don't know, he's just so sad.
He's sad because he doesn't have you
to kick around anymore.
Put your phone away.
Come on.
Let's go have a good time.
*
So, how's business?
Oh, it's booming.
You really pay your rent and your bills and everything
from posting videos?
Dude, it's way more than that.
I have 274,000 subscribers as of tonight.
Wow. I'm impressed.
And proud of you.
You know, I'm proud of you too, Dad.
I mean, how did you get here on time with her?
Did you have to write her a note
to get her out of school early?
You know, you're not too old for a spanking.
I don't mean any disrespect, really.
I'm just jealous.
But you weren't around to spank me,
so let's not play that game, okay?
*
Hey.
You know, your daughter can really cook.
I know. She's incredible.
I'm having a great time.
Thanks for bringing me.
You think everybody likes me?
Definitely.
I am freezing.
I could turn your seat warmer up, if you'd like.
Nope.
My ass temperature is just where I like it, thank you.
I think we're driving through one of those
polar vortex things.
Lemme just turn the heat on.
I think I have a sweater in my bag.
What are you doing?
Hey, seriously, what are you doing?
Stop--hey, stop that, you're distracting me.
Keep driving. I'm almost back here.
Seriously, you're bumping me.
If my ass isn't hitting the wheel, it's fine.
(panting)
It's a little unnerving with you adjusting around so much.
I mean, we're going 80.
Hey.
Eyes on the road.
What I'm rockin' ain't worth dyin' for.
You play by your own rules, don't you?
I try.
Can we stop at a rest area?
I really need a tinkle station.
"Tinkle station"?
What do you call it?
The bathroom?
Pfft, that's boring.
We're making really good time.
I mean, I usually don't stop for like another hour or so.
Oh my God, I am more pee than woman right now.
(sighing)
Okay. Are you hungry?
I mean, we could take this exit,
we could turn two stops into one.
Well, I've never had to negotiate a piddle before,
but...yeah, I could eat.
(motor roaring)
*
(inaudible chatter)
*
Anything to drink?
Um, yeah, uh-- do you guys have diet here?
Yeah.
One of those.
And for you?
Um, how's the water here?
Terrible.
I'll take it.
All right.
If the water's bad, why would you order it?
Everyone thinks their city's water is terrible.
I just like to confirm it.
*
Do you know what you'd like?
Go ahead.
I'll--I need a couple minutes.
I'll be ready by the time you're ready, so--
-You sure? -Yeah.
Okay. Um...could I just-- just the turkey wrap,
if you don't mind.
And for you?
Um, I'll have the short stack.
But make it a double.
Butter, syrup, or powdered sugar?
Yes.
*
All those carbs and fat?
Aren't you the least bit worried about your health?
Eh. Sometimes fun is its own reward.
I love pancakes, and butter's my best friend.
But it's terrible for you.
(sighing)
Are you allergic to fun?
Does it give you the hives?
I like fun, I mean, it's just--
Fun is being spontaneous.
I'm spontaneous, I picked you up.
Oh, um, how much time do we have again on the road?
Oh, um, at this point, it's 10 hours and 20 min--
If you were any more rigid, you'd be a sidewalk.
-'Scuse me, 'scuse me. -Yes.
Could I, uh, have French fries with my turkey wrap?
No problem.
Well, that's a start.
*
So you're new here, right?
Yeah.
Me too. We should be friends.
-I'm Sharon. -I'm Ellen.
Nice to meet you.
It's very nice to have you.
My ex-wife was big on filling the house
with family and loved ones the night before Thanksgiving.
Said it made the house a home.
Thank you.
I also really want you to know
that we're always very supportive
of Renee's "friends."
Very liberal family.
They made me wear a seashell bikini.
(laughing)
That dog died.
*
That was Jeremy's first poop.
Hey, little bro.
Oh, hey.
How's it goin'? It's been a while.
I been fine, really good, actually.
You still workin' at that law firm?
The one with the commercials with the cartoon tiger?
No, they-- they let me go.
Oh. I'm sorry to hear that, man.
Oh, thanks.
It's taken me a little longer than I expected
to get a job, but I've been okay.
Where's your girl at?
Uh, she's got a migraine so she's layin' down.
Are things goin' well?
You guys are engaged now, right?
Yeah!
She's been incredible.
I love her so much.
(burping)
Sorry.
She's been so supportive.
I feel like a stronger, smarter person because of her.
(belching)
Oh, man.
My stomach's killing me, sorry.
Having her around just makes me feel
like I can take on anything.
She's incredible.
So...
does she take it up the ass?
(laughing)
*
I need this.
Take it up the ass!
(laughing)
*
Hey. I think what you said was beautiful.
Shut up, Liam.
*
Okay, so.
Five a.m. sharp, the turkey goes in.
I've made a checklist of everything that needs
to be heated prior,
and then of what sides go on which burner.
I can't even make two Pop-Tarts at the same time.
You're basically a superhero to me.
Well, Mom felt like she had this duty
to get this thing right,
and I just wanna continue that duty, you know?
*
So, how long do you think it'll be
before you're competing against Dad for girls?
Uh, I think we're days away at best, yeah.
Well, at least he's here, you know?
And I wanna be mad at him, but he's trying.
Ellen's dad ditched out on her when she was 11 years old.
She hasn't heard from him since.
You know it's gotta be rough.
There's no way he feels good about this.
-He calls me every week. -Yeah, me too.
Have you heard from Terry?
Oh yeah--and he wants nothing to do with Dad.
This is too bad.
Yeah, but I mean, I get being mad at him,
but I think at this point, I'm only about
20 percent mad at Dad.
(laughing)
Numbers don't lie.
No.
So, is the hot chocolate ready?
-I think so. -Good.
Because it is way too cold for November.
(sighing)
We have more cocoa.
Yes, we do.
Give one to Ellen, please.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
Okay, everybody?
I just wanted to let you know
how grateful I am that all of you are here.
(clearing throat)
Mom was a firm believer in a house full of people,
and I agree with her.
And I love you, I love you all.
I just, uh... I just wish that, uh...
she was here with us now so she could see this.
It's okay, sweetheart.
I'm so sorry.
*
It's okay.
-Sis, it's okay. -I'm so sorry.
*
I'm okay, okay.
Just, everyone, enjoy your cocoa.
And I look forward to giving thanks
to all of you tomorrow.
And many others.
The extended family will be here very early.
So good night, and if you need anything,
anything at all, just say the word.
G'night!
*
So...
Should we high-five?
Sure.
*
Sorry, I got somethin' stuck in my eye.
Looks like you have a beautiful family
stuck in your eye.
*
-Thank you. -Thank you.
*
When was the last time you ate?
Mm, try a fry.
I bet you it tastes like freedom.
*
It's pretty good.
Don't downplay my genius.
*
How's yours?
It's like if God spit on a plate
and handed it to me.
Is that supposed to be good?
Dickin' phenomenal.
What?
Yeah, "dickin'," it's my new thing.
I got tired of sayin' "fuckin'."
I like it better.
Seriously, that sounds really dirty.
How?
There's a dick in fucking, anyway--
biblically speaking, at least.
Eat your food.
*
What, uh, is goin' on down there?
Hm, what?
Your plate.
It's not too clean there, sport.
Oh, I'm full.
But there's still food there.
Yeah--I'm not gonna eat it.
I'm not denying you're not hungry,
I'm just saying that you should probably
finish your food like a man.
Whatever.
No, that's cool, I mean, you're probably just
gonna take those scraps and put 'em in your purse
for later, right?
Oh, ha-ha.
No, I mean, maybe next time, we should get you a meal
that's more appropriate.
Like one that comes with a free toy, perhaps?
*
There.
Am I masculine enough for you now?
Ehh, there's still some lettuce and shit
on your plate from your wrap.
*
Wait a second.
What about your plate?
What about it?
You got all those little bits there.
Barely.
No, scrape 'em up.
Seriously, let's go.
Come on.
*
Ha.
Uh, looks like someone forgot to eat her butter.
That doesn't count.
Oh, but I thought it was your best friend, remember?
*
Ahh!
*
Salt packets.
-No, that's not-- -Nah, eat up.
Goddammit.
*
(sighing)
Ugh!
(laughing)
*
What are you laughing about?
Drink your syrup.
All right.
*
Mm...mm... mmm, mmm!
*
Coffee creamers.
I didn't have coffee.
They're on your side of the table.
Go.
*
Fucking animals.
*
(snoring)
*
(knocking)
(in a whisper) Come on, J., let's go.
Come on, it's tradition!
-Is it time already? -Come on.
*
(knocking)
Come on, Rich, let's go.
-I'm down. -I knew you would be.
-Is everybody asleep? -Yep, just like always.
Let's go.
*
Can't believe she still goes for this.
I know.
*
Okay, so, Ellen.
This might sound kind of weird,
but every year, we have this tradition
-where we get together-- -Okay, okay, look.
In my family, we have this thing where every year,
the night before Thanksgiving,
my mom would wake up just before the rest of us,
and she'd put up all the Christmas decorations.
And the next day, she'd tell us
Santa's elves did it!
Oh.
That's cute.
Um, our tradition is a little...different.
-Our mom was a pothead. -Yep.
(lighter flicking)
*
Basically, she'd take the oldest
and share a little herbal refreshment.
Herbal refreshment.
She got baked a lot.
I think she's got it.
Okay.
So I think it's an okay tradition.
You do?
Yeah, I've smoked a spliff or two.
Listen to her!
(whispered laughter)
Here we go.
Oh my God.
Oh yeah.
Mom knew how to party.
I get first hit, fuckers.
*
(chuckling)
All right, J., you're next.
-I can't. -What?
Job interviews.
Are you serious? Come on.
More for me, bro.
All right, here you go, Rich.
*
Come on.
(laughter)
Rich, don't be an asshole!
*
Attagirl.
(coughing)
(laughter)
*
(coughing)
Wrong pipe.
You said "pipe"!
Shh, shh!
I don't think Dad needs to know about this tradition.
Is he really strict?
Yeah--Air Force.
Oh shit.
Jer, come on. Be somebody.
(laughing)
Be somebody.
I gotta get the Febreze.
No, not yet!
*
(laughter)
Attaboy.
*
Give it to Tina, give it to Tina, one more time.
(chatter and laughter)
*
Get the Febreze, get the Febreze!
(laughing)
Let the elves get the Febreze.
(laughter)
I feel awful.
At least no one can question your prowess.
So glad I didn't have any of that maple syrup.
I was victorious!
I really think it was the combination
of the French vanilla creamer and the pepper
that got me the worst.
Wish I had an Alka-Seltzer.
Alka-Seltzer, huh?
Gonna go to the corner store and get you some rock candy
and then brush with Aim?
Hey, I swear by the stuff. It just works.
Let's change topics.
No more talk about food.
Texting your parents?
Noo!
If they had their way, I'm pretty sure
they'd still have a rotary phone.
I'm a-Googlin'.
What are you looking for?
It's a secret.
Can I have a hint?
Well, all that pure liquid sugar
coursing through my veins is causing me
to seek adventure.
Like what?
It's perfect!
What's perfect?
The Turnersville ramp.
It's up here on the right.
Take it, and then take a right off the exit.
Why?
Don't worry about it.
Just know it's going to be awesome.
But where are we going?
Are you worried your hip won't be able
to take the surprise?
Hey, this is my car and I'm the one driving it.
I'd like to know where I'm going.
That's boring.
Quit being boring.
Fine.
Yess!
(sighing, panting)
Shit.
What?
I have to pee.
But it's so warm in here with you.
Yeah, if I don't get up right away,
it's about to get a lot warmer.
Okay, gross.
Bathroom is straight down the hall.
Oww!
Light switch should just be right past you.
(toggling switch)
It's not working.
Are you sure?
I'm pretty well versed in light switches.
Maybe the bulb burned out.
I just need to find my pants.
(thudding)
Dammit!
Shh! You're gonna wake everyone.
Sorry, I just can't see my own nose in front of me.
Just...just run out there real quick.
We're the only ones sleepin' on the first floor.
No way.
No one is awake. We'd have heard 'em.
Just bolt in and bolt out
and get back to bed, it's cold!
All right.
(whispering) She turned it the wrong way!
(laughter)
(crying out)
Oh my God!
Well, that just happened.
Is she okay?
Sharon?
What?
What is she doing?
Our video just hit 120,000 views.
*
So, do I get a cut of the profits?
Shit, I'll take you out for burritos anytime.
-Ohh! -Oh my God!
She just kinda collapsed, and she's--
Naked.
She does that sometimes.
It's kinda rare, but she'll get up
in the middle of her sleep and she'll take off her clothes,
and then she stops--wakes-- on the floor naked.
Okay, Dad.
Sweetie, are you okay?
Uh...
I told 'em about your episodes.
*
Okay.
So, do you buy that?
'Cause I'm on the fence.
On the plus side, she's okay.
*
Can you tell me what you've had to eat today?
What?
I'm studying to become a nurse.
I just don't have the whole springing-into-action thing
down yet.
I'll get her clothes.
Okay, just--
Do you need a glass of water?
Yeah.
*
Really?
*
So where exactly are we?
The Colebeck house.
Colebeck house?
It's one of the most haunted houses in America.
(sighing deeply)
Oh.
(car door slamming)
(crickets chirping)
*
Okay, we've seen it.
Good adventure.
Hold on.
It's--it's probably locked.
Besides, we're trespassing.
(door squealing)
It's open.
Of course it is.
*
This place is intense.
I read about it when I was a kid.
You didn't have very many friends
growing up, did you?
This house was the scene of more than one
very gruesome incident.
It was even on "Unsolved Mysteries" once.
Shit!
*
The Colebeck family purchased this house in 1925.
One night, the family was found shot,
dead in their beds.
All except the father.
The father was presumed to be either dead or
the gunman himself.
The house sat empty for, I don't know, 20 years,
until a family came by and decided
to do some renovations.
In the walls, they found a secret compartment
no one had ever known about.
Inside the compartment, they found empty food cans
and soda cans...
and the corpse of Jacob Colebeck.
He had died of a heart attack
in the house.
That's sick.
Ever since his body was discovered,
no one has been able to occupy this house
without hearing strange, threatening voices
or seeing shadows above their beds
when they were trying to sleep.
The last owner committed suicide.
When they found him, he had written in his journal,
"I will do what you tell me to."
I really think we should get outta here.
They're all just stories.
But all the stories seem to end the same way.
There's an angry spirit in the house,
and it wants everyone dead.
*
Did you hear that?
What?
It was probably just the wind or something.
What's that over there?
I don't know, maybe like a cat got in here or something?
(screaming)
What the hell?
(laughing)
You were going, you were really going.
You asshole!
Relax! I'm just dickin' with you.
Seriously, did you see something down there?
No!
This is an abandoned house I found on Google.
I made the whole thing up.
You're a monster.
I prefer "creative."
Whatever. I'm outta here.
Aww! Come on.
Don't act like that wasn't the best scare of your life.
Don't you feel like a kid again?
Yeah--I'm-- kinda, I guess.
So let's not rush outta here.
Well, I don't know, what time is it?
We've got miles to go, and there's--
What's that, Grandpa? You need your pill?
Fine. We'll stay in your fake haunted house
a little longer.
So what do you propose we spend the time doing?
Truth or Dare.
Are you kidding?
Truth or dare.
Fine. Dare.
I dare you to sit in a closet in this place
for four minutes.
Uh-uh, no way.
You agreed to the game.
No, I'm not doin' that, no.
Without rules, there's anarchy.
*
This is the best.
Naked girl, awesome.
Girl falling down, awesome.
Naked girl falling down is the best that life can be.
Do you ever listen to yourself talk?
Of course!
Yeah, sometimes I wish I was deaf.
Thank you all so much.
I hope you're feeling better.
I have to go to bed.
*
Yeah.
Try to get some sleep.
Good night.
Yeah, we should probably all get back to sleep.
Are you sure you don't need anything else?
No, I should be okay.
I'll help her get to bed.
Thank you guys for being so great.
Good night.
*
If she starts feeling strange or anything,
just let me know.
Thank you.
I saw you naked! I mean--good night.
Get to bed.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
So, should I just go home?
Everything's okay.
*
Okay, how 'bout now?
Two minutes. No talking.
Jesus Christ. Okay.
(scratching, squeaking noise)
Is that you?
Seriously, if you're doing that, stop.
It's not funny.
*
Okay, okay.
(squeaking continues)
Okay, no, uh-uh, that's it.
I'm comin' out.
(slamming into wood)
Why were you doing that?
Why were you scratching the door and stuff?
What are you talking about?
Like, you scratching the door and, like, making--
trying to freak me out with, like, spooky sounds.
That's not cool.
No, I really wasn't.
You weren't--you weren't like scratching at it?
Are you okay?
*
Yeah, I guess.
It was totally me!
Dammit!
I'm really learning what hatred means.
Your turn.
Okay, truth or dare, um...
truth or dare?
Mm...truth.
Why would a girl like you decide to get
into a car with a stranger and drive
halfway across the country?
*
I moved away
trying to find something.
Don't know what it was, but turned out,
it wasn't an abusive boyfriend.
When we broke up, he kept all my stuff.
It got hard.
I was sleeping in and out of my car.
Jobs were rare.
I just didn't think to come home.
I love my family, and
they are so supportive,
but...it just felt like
an admission of failure.
I went out into the real world and
it spit me back out.
Now I have to go home because I can't take care of myself.
*
It really hurts.
*
A few days ago, I decided that
I really did want to come home.
So, I packed my stuff, got all my money together,
and decided to go on the road.
I sunk all my money into the gas tank,
and, well, I haven't been eating very well.
Again, because I'm dumb,
I don't just ask Mom and Dad for money.
*
But I can't wait to see them when I get home.
It took so long to admit that I needed help.
When I met you, I knew it was going to be
the most luck I'll ever have in my life.
I can never thank you enough for it.
Listen, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to--
Sorry for what?
I have you driving me all the way across the country.
I have a bellyful of pancakes and condiments,
and a large, loving family waiting for me
when I get home.
*
I'm ready for help.
I'm just lucky there are so many helpful people
in the world.
I would really like to hug you now.
That's fine.
*
Uh...truth or dare?
Truth.
Why don't you forgive your father?
Because fuck him.
I remember when he was there taking care of me,
and then I remember when he just disappeared.
I remember having to learn to shave my face
and cutting myself to pieces
because I didn't have a dad to show me how to do it.
I remember getting less Christmas presents.
I remember the look on my mom's face
when she had no idea how we were going
to pay the bills that month.
I have a pretty fucking vivid memory.
I'm sorry.
And that's what I see when I think of him.
I'm talented, I'm a good guy, I work hard.
He doesn't deserve me as a son.
He doesn't deserve any of us.
He's an abandoning asshole.
I hate him!
(crying)
Truth or dare?
Dare.
I dare you to run out back naked by the field.
Forget that!
Even if it wasn't pervy, it's freezing out there.
Without rules, there's anarchy.
Ohh...
Whee!
(laughing)
You've got nerves of steel.
You happy?
Yeah.
Come on. Let's go warm up in the car.
Come on.
*
(birdsong)
*
-Good morning. -Good morning, kiddo.
Hey.
How you feelin'?
Great.
Really?
Better.
*
You know what we need?
A backward race, right now.
Okay.
-Come on. -Okay.
(crickets chirping)
(sighing)
Oh, Jesus!
You scared me.
Um, I'm sorry.
Can't sleep?
No, not really.
I, uh...I had a dream about Mom.
Oh. Me too.
Really?
Not exactly, but I can relate.
I just think it's so silly that I,
I still miss her this much still.
No, it--it's fine.
She left a big hole in our lives.
Oh, God, that's for sure.
She used to protect me in school from bullies.
You're kidding.
No, completely serious.
Um, this one time I came home with a black eye,
and she was livid.
I guess she wanted blood,
and I refused to tell her who did it.
I didn't need my big sister fighting my battles for me.
Had a bad enough reputation as it was.
But she found out?
Yeah, she did.
There was this one assembly where she came in.
She saw me sitting there all nervous.
She literally twisted my arm
to find out who did it.
And I begged her not to say anything.
What'd she do?
Nothing.
She just sat there in silence.
It was scary, I thought she was gonna kill somebody.
Then, at the end of the assembly,
she walked right up behind the kid,
opened her mouth, and spit on the back of his head.
What?
Yeah, she'd been saving her spit for 45 minutes.
Oh, God, that's disgusting!
The principal thought so too.
He gave her a whole week's worth of detention over it.
Our mother's heart was broken.
She thought it was a weird sexual thing.
Oh, Catholics always think that.
Amen.
It's nice.
It's nice, you know, that there's more to her
than even I knew.
Does that make sense?
No, I understand.
My sister was an amazing person.
She just loved everything with her whole heart.
She gave us such a great life.
If I kept a tally of how many times
she bailed me out, I--
I wouldn't even remember how to tie my shoes.
We love you.
You know that, right?
*
I don't believe that, but...
I appreciate you saying it.
So, what do we do?
*
When our father died, that's when I knew my sister
was like the strongest human being on the planet.
I couldn't even walk into the funeral,
she literally had to carry me.
When she finally got me to stop crying,
I remember her saying so clearly,
"We hurt so badly because we love so much,
and it's the price we pay for the greatest gift of all."
I think it was worth it.
Oh, fuck.
*
She's still teaching us things.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Get back to bed.
Three a.m.'s no time to start cookin' a turkey dinner.
(laughing)
I guess you're right.
G'night.
Sleep it off, kiddo.
(sighing deeply)
*
How 'bout I take the wheel for a little bit?
No, I'm okay.
I've done this drive, like, a dozen times before.
Soon as the sun comes up, I'll be awake.
Well, it's not really going to rise for a while, so...
why don't I make some sounds to help you stay awake?
No, I'm okay.
Ba-caww!
Jesus!
Beep-bop-boop-boop, boop-bop-boop!
Please, stop!
All you had to do was ask.
*
(inaudible chatter)
Okay! I need everybody out,
'cause I gotta work my magic.
-Okay. -All right.
Good morning, fuckers!
*
Rich, why are you smiling so much?
I just peed in the shower.
Perfect.
I'm just kidding-- I don't shower.
Okay! Why don't you go see if Uncle Luke needs something?
Gladly.
Vamoose! Out! Go.
*
(oxygen tank hissing)
*
Oh!
Hi, Uncle Luke.
Can I get anything for you?
Yeah.
Pussy.
Okay.
(laughing)
I love it when they don't know what to think of me.
(chuckling)
So, whose kid are you?
Um, actually, I'm with Tom.
I'm his girlfriend.
Ah, lucky fuckpickle.
Excuse me?
Well, I'm Great-Uncle Luke.
Only I'm really kinda mediocre.
It's nice to meet you.
You too.
What time'd you get in?
Uh, we flew in yesterday around two.
Nice.
I got loaded in around noon by two beaners.
Not that I'm racist-- they did a great job.
I left 'em a peso, or whatever they call it.
(doorbell chiming)
Hey!
-Oh, it's so good-- -It's so good to see you.
Oh, how've you been?
Oh, I've been great--you?
-Hey! -Hi!
Hi, Liam, how've you been?
Oh, it's so good to see you.
You're lookin' really good.
You look taller.
*
Dude, half a million hits?
This is incredible.
Hey, web celeb.
Go grab some more chairs.
All the cousins are comin'.
Manual labor?
I'll do it, but I'm gonna do it ironically.
As long as it gets done.
So, is he really getting to you that bad?
No, but he's not helping either.
Oh, come on--okay.
I'm taking this, I'm putting it out of your mind
and out of your reach.
So that way, you can't talk to him anymore.
There's just no fighting you, is there?
No. I'm way bigger.
*
What? Do I have a booger?
Mm--no, no, no, no, no.
Don't do that.
Don't be one of those girls who goes and gets hurt by a guy
and then goes and plays for the other team.
I love you too much for that!
I'm just--yeah.
(doorbell ringing)
*
Hey, come on in!
Hey, how've you been?
Oh, so good!
Just--oh, you get more beautiful..
-Thanks. You look good too. -...every time I see you.
Hi, Liam.
Hey, bring it in, buddy, bring it in, just--yeah.
I am so glad you guys made it.
-Glad to be here. -Thanks for having us.
Yeah. Can I take your coats or something?
Um, I'm good.
Hey.
We need to talk.
(chuckling)
Oh--oh, shit.
Uh, okay.
Okay.
*
I've been trying to figure out
how to say this for a week now.
I just don't know what to say,
or I don't want to hurt you.
God, now I've built it all up.
I'm sorry.
I'm really bad at this.
Trying to hurt me--
what are you trying to say?
*
I'm not attracted to you anymore.
You're great, but I can't be with you anymore.
You, I love, but being with you
makes me unhappy.
I wanted to tell you sooner, but I just couldn't.
I wanted to wait, but it felt dishonest.
*
Are you okay?
Oh...I'll be fine.
*
I'm really sorry.
When you get back from dinner,
my things'll be out of the apartment.
Was there someone else?
No.
I gotta go.
My car should be waiting outside.
You ordered a car?
I used an app.
Goodbye, hon.
*
(indistinct chatter)
It's like an American law
that you have to have a strong potato salad.
Who eats potato salad at Thanksgiving?
(in distant, echoey voice) Hey, man, how you doing?
Where's your girlfriend?
Hey, bro, what's--
Hey! Hi! How are you?
*
Hey!
You okay?
Yeah, I just love lawns so much.
What happened?
She left me.
What? What do you mean? I just saw her.
She ordered a car with an app.
Oh, okay, uh...
was there another guy?
No.
Ouch.
Okay.
Come on, let's go inside.
It's cold out here.
No.
I'm just gonna stay here until I'm nothing.
Don't be a baby.
(sniffling)
*
I'm so stupid.
No, you're not stupid, it happens to everyone.
She's just kind of a dick.
No she's not.
Do you realize how hard that must have been
for her to do that?
What, to crush you down to your core?
If she really wanted to break up with me,
I have to respect that.
Can't stand in her way.
Jer, you got fucked over.
You're allowed to be mad.
When was the last time you were actually pissed off?
Being angry would just be selfish.
No, no--seriously, Jer, you need to have
a fucking pulse, okay?
You are allowed to be mad at what happened.
It doesn't make you a bad person.
I mean, just don't go all O.J. Simpson on her ass,
but shit!
You're allowed to get mad, you've earned it.
God.
I just can't believe she did this.
Damn right!
Fucking bitch!
Okay, well, try to keep it down--
No, I did everything fucking right.
Nope, there's family in there.
And she smashed my heart like a cunt.
(music ends abruptly)
There's--there--
Hey, Jer!
If you say one fucking thing to me right now,
I swear to God I will knock you down
and slit your throat with my dick.
*
I...I just needed to know
if you brought brown sugar for the yams
or if you needed some.
Yeah, um, we-- I brought some.
*
Let's go, come on.
-Let's get out of here. -Going to Sizzler.
-Hey--what? -Nope, can't do it.
Uh, we have this thing that we, you know, um...
Uh, you can keep the coats, okay?
You want this closed or open?
Closed, I guess.
Happy Thanksgiving!
(birdsong)
Aww, come on, keep your pants on, Grandpa.
Oh yeah.
It's an app.
Whoa!
Fancy.
Hey, what are you--don't walk in front of those cameras,
they're probably hooked up to a recorder.
You ever been to St. Louis before?
No.
You comin' back?
I don't know.
Then don't worry about it, sit down.
So.
What have you learned today that you didn't know before?
That no matter how hard you look,
no matter where you search,
there are no vendors to sell you hotdogs
on Thanksgiving morning.
(laughing)
How true!
No, no, no, no, wait for the applause.
*
Okay.
So, are you looking forward to going home?
Yeah.
But I've learned to never underestimate the journey,
you know?
Some of us, all we have is the journey.
*
Maybe it's time to go home.
No, I don't think I'm ready for that.
Doesn't turkey sound good?
I said no!
I'm sorry, I-- it's--
we're way off schedule, and this has been
a really weird trip and...
I don't know.
That's okay.
I know you didn't mean it.
You ever just stop and think?
What do you mean?
This moment right here is completely unique.
From the footsteps we took to walk into the door
to the lights that are shining on our faces
at those perfect angles.
None of it can ever be duplicated.
It's kinda magical, you know?
And it's the kind of magic that happens every single day.
*
I think I wanna kiss you.
That's fine.
*
Come on, let's get a move on.
We've gotta make good time, right?
*
(firecracker exploding)
*
(firecracker exploding)
(door sliding open)
You mind if I join you?
Sure.
*
(firecracker exploding)
What are you doing?
Nothin'.
*
(firecracker exploding)
No, really.
What are you doing?
When I was in middle school,
I wasn't a very good student.
My brothers and sisters and cousins,
they all had their honor roll certificates
and their wrestling trophies.
I didn't have any of that kind of stuff.
My moms and my aunts, they used to praise them
all the time.
So one day, I was pissed off
and came out here and started throwing firecrackers.
They ran out here and yelled at me
and told me to stop it.
It was...
kinda nice.
I'm sorry.
It's all right.
Now, I have thousands of people
that wanna watch me and hear what I have to say.
They why are you out here alone
throwing firecrackers?
My brother, he blew up on me.
You know, I think all I've ever wanted to do
was make him laugh, but every time I try,
he just hates me.
I didn't know his fuckin' girlfriend dumped him.
I feel bad for him, but I just feel
all-around like shit.
Can I suggest something?
No offense, but the girl my dad's boning
isn't really my ideal source of life advice.
True.
But I'm gonna try anyway.
When I'm mad, I like to cuss.
Well, fuck, I'm pretty sure I've got that down.
No, I mean, like actually curse.
Give it purpose.
There's this study that shows that pain tolerance rises
when people curse.
Regardless of language or anything,
you just gotta commit.
Fuck!
Seriously?
Yeah! Try it.
Fuck!
Cunt pissbag!
Cunt piss shit!
All right, now try it with compounds.
Get creative.
Dogfuck shitbagel!
(laughing)
What?
Try it.
Shitbagel bitchcunt!
Fuck pissbag!
You feel better?
Honestly? Yeah.
*
So who's that?
That is Lisa.
And she's by herself, so that means
there probably hasn't been a Husband Number Seven yet.
-Shit. -Yeah.
Oh, I think she means well.
I mean, there's no proof that she poisoned
any of her husbands.
No, come on, really.
What do you call a Polack in a coat and tie?
I don't wanna know.
Close!
The defendant!
(laughing)
Get it?
Isn't your side of the family Polish?
That's right!
Boy, it's just like one of us
to make a stupid mistake like that.
(laughing)
Happy Thanksgiving!
Nice knowin' ya.
So who the fuck are you?
*
-Hi! -Hey.
I'm gonna go.
-I had a great time. -Thank you.
Happy holiday.
(sighing)
It's time!
It's not Friday.
Early bird gets the bird food.
Tomorrow morning-- but you need to leave.
Hey! Is that a friend of yours?
Come on in. The more, the merrier.
I'd never turn down a free turkey.
*
(groaning)
I-I'm sorry.
I was trying not to disturb you.
Oh, that's okay.
I was plenty disturbed before you came in.
-Thanks. -What's wrong?
Well, I had a beautiful woman planning on marrying me,
impressive college transcript in my field,
never really panned out.
Then I figured I could just cry on all these coats.
*
What was that?
I--I don't know, I just like to kiss people
who are crying.
That--that didn't come out right.
Um...
I understand how you feel.
*
Wait!
I don't have a condom.
It's okay, I'm on birth control.
But...I don't know you.
*
I'm Jeremy.
*
You should really leave now.
Not till I get my money.
All right.
I'll have it after dinner, but please don't say anything.
Will there be mashed potatoes?
Yeah.
What about pie?
Yeah.
Deal.
Dinner's ready!
Oh, thank God.
All right, come on.
We are the remaining survivors.
Blow me.
Come on.
Eat at the table with us, like a family.
Eat my ass like a family!
Deal with this.
I have to go find Jeremy.
(exasperated sigh)
Come on, Uncle Luke.
We do this every year.
We eat at the table.
I have eaten at that table for the last 50 Thanksgivings.
This year, I wanna stay in front of the TV,
you got that?
Well, that's not what we do.
We eat at the table and you know this.
So get your ass up with that fuckin' tank
and let's go.
--probably looking for us.
What's up?
Uncle Luke isn't coming to the dinner table.
Oh--uh, I got this.
(in loud, slow voice) Come on, Uncle Luke.
It's tradition.
Didn't your girlfriend just leave you?
Will you please come eat with us?
(sighing)
You're very pretty.
*
I changed my mind.
I wanna go back to the living room.
How 'bout you just enjoy your food?
Who would like to say grace?
I will.
You will?
I'm the senior-most member of the family present.
Seems appropriate.
Sure.
*
Fold your goddamned hands.
*
Father, who art in heaven,
thank You for all this food on this day of thanks.
And thank You for the reoccurring,
incessant nightmares of my platoon leader
falling into my lap dead
with a piece of shrapnel lodged in his skull
the size of a toy poodle.
Okay!
Okay, let's just eat, thank you.
Amen.
*
Food's really good, sis.
Thank you.
The yams turned out great.
Thank you.
I made them for her.
You know, those little blue pills
really do work.
*
I mean, they'll get you harder than a preacher's hairdo
in about an hour.
Of course, I gave a couple to my buddy Ron.
He wanted to celebrate his wife's retirement.
Gave him a handful, he was dead in a week.
You bet I flushed the rest of those little fuckers
down the shitter,
which is where this country is headed, by the way.
Nice.
I personally think the turkey came out great.
But if it is a little bit dry,
I made some great gravy to go with that.
Oh, I'd love some of that gravy.
You know what we used to call niggers
back in my day?
That's about enough.
Hold on, lemme finish.
Niggers.
(laughing)
I love this show.
So this is it, right?
Yeah. Thanks.
(car door slamming)
It was my pleasure.
Consider it?
Yeah.
Okay.
Hey, um...would it--
would it be okay if I called you sometime?
*
I think we should let what we had be just that.
Okay.
*
Aww, I'm just dickin' with ya.
Do you have a pen?
Yeah!
*
I had something I wanted to ask you, Tina.
Sure, what's up?
Wow, these cranberries are great.
Thank you.
Straight from the can, Dad.
Simple is better.
-I need some more stuffing. -Of course.
*
Hey, Rich, are you gonna join us at the table today?
Oh, the video just hit 750,000 views.
This is huge!
(slamming table)
I want you to take that video down!
Seriously, Rich, it's gone on long enough.
First you come in here, you terrorize my friend,
and we tried to laugh it off,
but now it's getting fucking ridiculous.
No, not that video.
The video that I shot this morning.
"Gobble, gobble"--
(mass retching)
Oh my God!
Talk turkey to me, baby!
(mimicking turkey call)
Gobble, gobble!
Oh, that's it.
Are you guys seeing this?
We need to kick this guy out of the family, now.
That is not how this family works.
Oh, who died and made you queen bitch?
-Hey. -Hey!
Oh, shut the fuck up!
Calm down.
I need $10,000!
Oh, fuck that, guy.
I'm sorry-- I don't have that.
I don't have that kinda money.
Fine!
(terrified gasping)
*
I'm taking this deadbeat piece of shit with me, then.
*
No, you're not taking him anywhere.
Yes I am.
No. You're not.
Look, you got six bullets and there're seven of us.
You're not goin' anywhere.
Put the gun down and get the fuck out of our house.
Look, just take me.
Leave everyone else out of this.
Oh, that's never gonna happen.
*
Arrgghh!
(gunshot)
Rich!
Shit!
(groaning, coughing)
*
(groaning)
*
(clunking)
*
I just wanted more gravy.
This turkey's as dry as my dear old Rita,
God rest her soul.
*
Whose kid is this, anyway?
*
No! No, that's not what I said.
It's 7572 Stevens Avenue.
I don't know the fucking ZIP Code!
Goddammit!
(moaning)
I--
I need my phone.
You don't need your phone.
We've got an ambulance coming.
You're gonna be fine, just relax, just...
I love you.
I...I love you too, but...
I need my phone.
You don't need your phone.
We'll get it at the hospital.
No, I--I tried to film myself saving the family,
but I'll get so many more hits this way,
"Hero Fail."
*
(chuckling)
*
(sighing)
Careful, careful, careful, careful, careful.
You're okay, you're okay.
It's fine.
-Holy shit. -Holy shit.
Sorry, brother, we don't have any more time
for surprises today.
The fucking ambulance won't be here till Christmas
so I'm fucking taking him myself.
-Come on. -Come on, Rich.
-Come on! -Careful, careful, careful.
*
So, what did I miss?
A lot.
We're taking the turkey to the hospital.
Can you drive?
Yeah, yeah.
*
Guys.
Guys!
*
(deeply inhaling, exhaling)
Well, that's it.
I hope you liked it, hmph.
And if you didn't, well...
right here, pal.
(sighing)
*