Hmm.
Uh, sorry. Sorry! Sorry.
You, uh, you Mike?
Yeah, Michael! You must be Donald.
Don. It's never--
-It's never Donald. -Yeah?
Uh, I hope I'm not late.
No, no way, but let's not make a habit out of it. Okay?
Crazy day at work. I got hung up--
-Oh, none for me, thanks. Ho! -Huh?
You-- You-- You don't want a beer?
Sorry.
Hey!
Don't apologize, man.
If it's a problem, it's a disease.
Half my friends-- out of the bar, into the program.
Back to their wives, and who are we to judge?
But can I tell you something, Mike?
Yeah.
They're sure as hell not as much fun.
I just don't want a beer is all.
That's what you said.
I ju-- I don't want you to think I have a problem is all.
I'm not thinking anything.
It is, however, interesting that you keep bringing it back up.
-I just wanna be clear. -Got it.
But if you do have a problem,
it's not your fault.
It's a disease.
I mean, you wouldn't blame somebody for having cancer, would you?
-No, not me. -So, I think it's important that we are
understanding and less judgmental.
I'm pretty sure we're on the same page.
Excellent.
--Let's started.
-Okay. -Oh! Incidentally,
you and I are going to be spending a lot of time together.
And if I "unwind" with a beer,
you don't need to call an intervention.
I don't have that particular disease.
-Just so we understand each other. -No, not an issue.
You do whatever you want.
Well, thanking you. It's...
terrific to get permission from the new guy.
Mmm.
Have you ever done a draft before, Mike?
-Uh, you mean... -Getting new kids on the team?
My son, Jimmy, watches all the other kids at school,
and he clues me in who the best prospects are.
But all the kids get on a team, right?
Well, of course, Mike.
This is all about the kids.
But... the ones you'd like to avoid
are the ones who would rather be in Brigadoon,
if you know what I'm saying.
I just-- As long as everybody gets a chance.
That's all I'm concerned with.
Relax.
Because your kid got one hell of a scouting report from my kid.
-Seriously? -Come on.
My...
Oh, my God, I'm all misty.
That's...
That is big. That is... You don't know how--
Woo-hoo!
That kid...
I tell you what there, Mike. When we get to the draft...
let me do the talking. You just... observe.
-Okay. -How about that?
Good.
Hey, you guys, make a path. Come on.
Hey! Follow me!
¶ Take me out to the ball game ¶
¶ Take me out to the crowd ¶
¶ Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks ¶
¶ I don't care if I ever get back ¶
¶ For it's root, root, root for the home team ¶
¶ If they don't win, it's a shame ¶
¶ For it's one, two, three strikes you're out ¶
¶ At the old ¶
¶ Ball ¶
¶ Game ¶
¶ For it's root, root, root for the home team ¶
¶ If they don't win, it's a shame ¶
¶ For it's one, two, three strikes you're out ¶
¶ At the old ¶
¶ Ball ¶
¶ Game ¶
¶ Let's play ball ¶
Hi.
Hey, Mike!
-Yeah. -You are unbelievable!
You left the same time as me and you're still late.
-Sorry, Don. -Okay. Hey, uh, everybody!
Uh, this is my new assistant coach, Mikey Johnson!
- Or Michael. - Hey, Mike, how you doing?
Yeah. Mike's new in town, so if you can cut him a little slack, that'd be great.
Okay, yeah.
Everyone knows how this works, right?
We pick the new kids in reverse order in how we finished last year, okay?
So, I guess that means I pick last.
Yeah. It does.
I gotta stop winning that championship
if I ever wanna get a decent pick, don't I?
- Say, Pete, I... -Yeah, Don.
If memory serves, I think your two and...
13 record entitles you to go first.
So, you're a winner!
- You're the winner, Pete! - How about it?
--You're still lucky.
Uh, the Cardinals pick Ralph Johnson.
Oh, that's a good pick. That's a good pick.
-Yeah. -Unfortunately, we, um...
Yeah, we already have Ralph Johnson.
How do you figure that, Don?
Mmm, his Dad here's coaching the Pirates with me, so...
he's ours!
Actually, Don--
Psst. Remember our agreement. No talking. Just watch.
But he's on our available list.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
I don't make up the rules.
I just use them to our advantage.
Kids are automatically put on the team their dad coaches.
Why do you think I'm with...
Don, I know I'm not supposed to talk, but Ralph Johnson is not my son.
Yes, he is, you're a Johnson.
-No, he's another Johnson. -Oh, give me a break.
-He's the only Goddamn Johnson in the draft. -He's not my son!
Well, who is your son?
Frank. Frank Nassiter-Wise.
Nassiter-Wise?
You mean-- You mean the little hyphenate, with the glasses?
Right. He's nearsighted.
Why are you Johnson and he's Nassiter-Wise?
Oh. My wife's first marriage.
Ho!
Is there a problem, Don?
Yeah! Uh-huh!
Could someone help me get the Goddamn egg off of my face, Pete?
Oh, ho-ho-ho! Okay.
- Yeah! -Please enjoy, fellas.
This is very young.
While Don gets the egg off his face, guys,
let's continue with the draft.
Bob, you're next.
The Royals pick Timmy Schmidt.
Tell me something, Mike.
Are you sure that you want to coach?
I'm sure. I'm glad to help.
No, no. Full, full disclosure.
I make a lot of demands on my assistant coach.
So, if this isn't going to be
as serious a commitment as your marriage or your job,
then, then I suggest you bow out.
Thanks, but I wanna make a contribution.
All, All I'm saying is,
take the night. Think about it.
I've already thought about it, Don, and that's why I'm here.
Don't say anything. Kick it around in your mental mind.
Go back and forth. Throw it up in the air, see where it lands.
Would you... Would you at least promise me that, Mike?
-Sorry, Don. -Would you, would you,
would you at least rethink it for me?
I could tell you I'm gonna rethink it, but I'd be lying.
Okay.
First practice is Saturday, 10:00 AM.
Saturday, I think it's supposed to rain.
We'll be...
right back here at the gymnasium.
You can tell a lot about a kid
the way he handles ground balls rocketing up off the gym floor,
into his face.
Mike...
Please be on time.
Yes.
Parents.
Welcome.
I'd like to take the opportunity right now to invite you to leave.
This is our time. Please be back in one hour.
Uh, Coach?
Hi, I'm Timmy's mother.
Um, I'd like to stick around, if that's okay.
Timmy has some separation issues.
Oh my goodness. By-- By all means,
stay as long as you like.
Thanks! You won't even know I'm here.
Just please understand
that practice definitely won't start until you leave.
Congratulations.
You are the luckiest kids in town.
You're on my team.
Now, I promise you,
we are gonna work hard,
we're gonna learn a lot, and we're gonna have fun.
How do you have fun playing baseball?
It's one word.
Winning.
Winning is fun.
Losing stinks. I hope that's not new information to any of you.
And I have just one rule.
I'm in charge.
So, when I blow this whistle...
...you run to me.
If you dawdle, no problem.
Ya just won't play the next game.
I want you to report to the ball field
one half-hour early on game day.
And if you ask if you can play a particular position--
"Coach, could I please play shortstop?" I guarantee you,
you will not play shortstop for five games.
Now, I am pleased
that most of you are wearing the equipment that we suggested.
Uh...
Phillip.
Phillip Bailey?
Good job remembering the cup.
FYI, son,
the cup is usually worn on the inside of your pants.
No, no! No, no, no, no, no, no! That's, that's not appropriate!
You can do that later.
Attaboy.
Now, we all drop fly balls, and we miss grounders,
and we make bad throws. That's baseball.
Those are called "physical errors."
But can anyone tell me what it is
when we forget how many outs there are,
or we throw to the wrong base?
Anybody?
Stupid!
Screw-ups!
No and no.
Those are called, "mental errors." And yes,
you're gonna hear from me when you commit mental errors.
Hey, Coach Don!
Hey, team!
Hey, you're looking sharp.
Oh, look who it is. Our new assistant coach.
We'd about given up on you there, Mike.
-I guess I'm a few minutes late. -Eleven, but who's counting?
-This is Frankie. -Ah, Frank, why don't you,
go ahead, and get yourself a seat up in the bleachers?
Yeah, go ahead.
Attaboy.
Aah!
You okay, bud?
Yeah, he-- We couldn't find his glasses.
Hey, Coach Don, I got you a mocha latte, extra foam.
I'm not sure how you take it.
Oh, gosh, that is much appreciated. Cheers.
-Hey. -But seeing as we have so very much work to do here,
I'm just gonna keep that...
right over there. Save it for later.
Was it that you didn't like the mocha, or was it the latte?
Cards on the table, I just like plain, old-fashioned, American coffee.
-Okay. -Now,
can anyone from last year's squad tell me,
how many times was former Assistant Coach Tony...
...late for practice?
Once. That's correct, Timor. You see,
Tony is a police officer.
And, one time, when he was stopping a burglary,
he got himself shot in the groin area.
It was a sickening, bloody mess.
Tony was exactly 10 minutes late for practice that day.
I tell you this because
if you have an excuse,
pop,
you won't hear a peep out of me.
What is your excuse, Assistant Coach Mike?
The traffic was unbelievable.
Fair enough.
Cannot be helped. Unless,
- you allow enough time to get here.
Oh, boy. I gotta take this.
Hey. Hey, Roger.
Yeah.
Assistant Coach Mike is...
helping us, by demonstrating
things that you should never do.
Like, be late or take calls. And I know, I know,
a lot of you have your own cell phones.
God knows what your parents are thinking.
The fact of the matter is that most people shouldn't even have kids.
They can't say no, they don't take it seriously, and,
"Oh gee! Why is everybody on dope and pregnant, living off my tax dollars?"
My one rule is,
if I catch you chatting on the cell phone...
Ah! Is, uh, everything copacetic?
Yeah. I just had to put out a fire.
Wasn't a real fire.
-It won't happen again, Coach Don. -Ha!
So, uh, I guess I should say a few words about myself. Uh...
-My name is Michael Johnson. -You can call him Mike, team.
Well, I prefer Michael, but whatever.
Um, when I was your age,
I competed in a great many curling matches.
Was that curling, Assistant Coach Mike?
I spent part of my childhood in Canada.
Oh! I'm sorry to hear that.
Which is where curling is popular.
Now, as a 10-year-old boy,
nothing was more important to me than curling.
But, honestly, now, I can tell you,
I don't remember who won and who lost.
So, listen. Now, this is very important.
This is about the playing.
Not about the winning or the losing.
But, having fun, and I guarantee you,
we're gonna have a heck of a good time here.
Say, Mike...
We, uh,
we covered fun right before you got here. Must have been
when you were stuck in that unbelievable traffic.
So, kids, remember, this is all about you.
So, for example, if you have a particular position you wanna play,
be sure to let us know.
Thank you, Mike! That's a terrific intro.
Fellas, dive into that bag. Let's warm those arms up.
We're gonna have a terrific practice. Here we go!
All right, lemme see you turn.
I wanna see that front foot step. Nice!
Jude, you're a new kid, but I like your style.
Casey, nice. You got the good arm.
Oh, and my champions.
How does it feel to be a returning champion?
It feels good!
Oh! You just made my whole day.
You're a leader, kid. I like your style.
I'm sorry I was late, Coach Don. I-- I had to work.
You keep putting your job in front of the team, Mike. I mean it.
Been a rough week.
My company has these government contracts--
Ooh!
My company, well...
Woo! Come on, ladies!
Oh no, no, no, no, girls.
Girls, you gotta wait outside till 11:00.
I don't think so. We have the gym at 10:30.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We have the gym from 10:00 until 11:00.
-Where's your permit? -It's in my car.
I'm calling my dad. He's the assistant principal.
All right.
Give us 10 minutes, and we'll be out of here.
Line up!
Here we go, Nate.
Ready? Get down on it.
That's a short one. And, stick with it!
Attaboy!
Right, Timor, what do you say, kid?
¶ We can't take a break from being ¶
Here we go.
Aah! Get down on it. Let's go! Hustle.
Tito, returning champion.
¶ We waste away ¶
¶ Oh, make a change ¶
And strongest arm. Holy moly!
Hey, Jude, get down on it.
¶ I am degraded ¶
Get there, get there, get there.
Nicely done, Jude!
I'm proud of you. Who's up?
Come on out, son. Ready?
¶ We're too late ¶
¶ Sold our best behavior ¶
What do you say, Timmy?
Here we go. Make a play on that.
Okay, stick with it.
Great play! Next batter.
Jimmy! My guy.
Jimmy, show it to me.
That's what I'm talking about. Great glove, kid.
¶ Yeah, I won't have time ¶
--Nice. Who else we got?
Make it happen, kid. Short hop-- Oh!
¶ I'll never notice ¶
Good play.
Rusty! Returning champion Rusty.
Show me. Let me see what you got, son.
Watch out!
Oh my gosh.
Kahil. Right in the middle.
In the face, you okay?
All right, one last one.
There you go. That's what I'm talking about. Good feet.
Nice, Kahil, nice!
Everybody get a shot? Who have we left out?
Frankie, what do you say, pal?
It's all about you, Frankie.
¶ Away! ¶
¶ Away ¶
Get down on it. Oh, come on, son!
Give me some hustle.
¶ I won't have time ¶
Well, lemme tell you something, fellas.
That was an outstanding practice.
There was effort all around. I'm proud of all of you.
Everybody go home, except for you and you.
No! Not Nathan.
You. All right!
Go on, get outta here.
Hey, Mike, go ahead and pack that equipment up for me, will you?
Yeah.
You sure it all fits?
Well, lemme see, it did last year and the year before.
Hell, maybe this year'll be different.
See, Mike, I-- I-- I have just one rule.
You must clear things through me, before you go shouting 'em
-to my team. -What do you mean?
I mean, you cannot stand up there as my assistant coach
and tell these kids that winning doesn't matter,
because that is just bullshit.
Well...
Look at the big picture, Don.
Do you really remember every game you won and lost as a kid?
When I was 12, I batted 456 with 18 RBIs.
We went 11 and 4 and lost the championship game,
when Billy Nathan got picked off third with two outs in the last inning.
I still think about that, Mike.
I...
I think about it a lot.
See,
I was coming up to bat,
and if Billy hadn't wandered off third in some kind of damn dream state,
I know, for a fact, I would have driven him home,
and we'd have gone on to win.
I, I have...
replayed that scenario inside of my head
many times, but...
I never got the chance,
because Billy took the bat out of my hands.
When Billy Nathan ran for school board last year, I...
could not find it in my heart to vote for him.
Even though I have every reason to believe
that he is a good and honest man,
who made a thoughtless mistake when he was 11 years old.
So, yes. I do...
remember.
Well, you have a very good memory.
There are a lot of men who remember
these things,
Mike.
Of course, it might be different in the world of curling, I...
Oh. You always wanna pack the shin guards first.
Otherwise, it doesn't fit.
Hey, you want me to put these in your car?
-No, no, no. Why don't you go ahead and hang onto that?
That's the arrangement I had with old Tony last year, and it...
God, it worked out like a charm.
Hey, you guys, stop messing around or you're dead meat.
Is practice over?
Yeah, you're all done.
Uh, is this special treatment or punishment?
What does it look like to you?
Hey!
You do that one more time,
and you're taking a lap around the entire school, ya jerkwads.
Well, I think these kids just wanna have a little fun.
Why don't we send them home, so they can play?
Did you happen to notice Eric's eye twitch?
His parents just went through a nasty split
and neither one of 'em will leave the house.
His dad's-- Oh...
His dad comes to our games
and yells about how disappointed he is.
So, when Eric's eye twitch gets bad,
I make him stay after practice.
Then we go out for pizza.
Then he has a sleepover at our house.
Well, that's a real nice thing, Don.
No...
That's my job.
I'd like to drag his idiot parents
out of the house and beat their ass.
I mean, gimme a break.
In every marriage, you're hanging on by a thread,
and half the time, you regret the day you were born,
but that's no reason to quit.
Huh?
Hey, Jimmy!
One more curveball, and I guarantee you, son,
you will find yourself in the spring musical.
And nobody wants to be that guy, Jimmy. Nobody.
Use your head for something other than a hat rack, will you please?
Uh, fellas. Let's, uh, let's get outta here. What do you say?
Let's, uh, hippity-hop. Here we go.
Right, see you.
Roger, hi.
No, no. Mmm.
You need it first thing Monday morning?
Just 'cause that's gonna take most of my weekend,
and I was really hoping I could just play a little ball with--
Right.
Okay, first thing Monday. You bet.
It's opening day at Champions Field,
and, folks, it just doesn't get any better than this.
Last year's pennant-winning Pirates kick off the season
against the much improved Cardinals.
It should be a good one.
And here's a big shout-out to our sponsors.
Be sure to make a visit to the snack bar,
and you'll find some brand-new food choices that are easy on the wallet.
Like the Monster Dog.
Eat four, and the fifth one's free.
Get over here!
Now!
Hi!
Take the field.
Ah, here he is.
Man with the bag. Right on the button,
if we were starting late.
No, no, I...
Look, I'm 10 minutes early!
You said the game starts at noon.
You must not have gotten my one rule:
30 minutes before game time.
Tell you what there, Mike. Why don't you, uh, go ahead, and give them some fungoes?
Fungoes?
If old Tony was gonna be here, he was the...
he was the master of fungoes.
Uh, if you'd show me where they are,
I'm happy to pass them out.
Fungo's a fly ball, Mike.
-You think you could hit a few? -Yeah.
Fungoes.
I'm on it!
It's fungo time!
Uh, Assistant Coach Mike?
You're probably going to need a, uh, a ball. Just...
-for the full fungo experience. -Yeah.
Holy God Almighty.
Okay, who wants a fungo?
All right.
Bases, hold.
Fungoes!
This is the one.
I got it.
This is fun.
Coming left!
Oh!
Oh, God.
Uh... All right.
Anybody know who...
Take a knee.
All right, you guys.
Who's nervous?
Yeah.
Good.
That's real good.
You know what that means?
Just means you wanna do well.
Now, it's opening day.
Let's get this season off to a great start.
I need to find out whose car that was.
That wasn't a car, Mike.
It was, uh, it was my van.
That was your van?
I'm sorry. I'll pay.
-Ah, forget it. -Please, I, I,
I don't want you resenting me because I broke your headlight.
If I resent you,
it won't have anything to do with my headlights.
-I'd really feel better if you, if you let me pay. -All right, fellas.
Here we go. Tito, one knee.
What are you doing, sitting down?
Tito, you're playing short because
Kahil asked if he could.
Kahil, you're playing center.
I know you'd both rather have it the other way around,
but that's my one rule. All right, fellas.
Let's go!
-Have fun! -Which means win!
Okay, fans. Let's play ball!
The first batter for the Cardinals is
Theodore "Teddy" Mitch Delaney.
All right, Jimmy. Little heat on the hill.
Thread that needle, son. Thread that needle.
Play to the best of your abilities!
Nobody can ask for more than that.
We're all winners if we do our best!
Mike, don't say it like that.
Strike!
- How...
How do you want me to say it?
Play within yourself.
Play within yourself?
Sounds dirty.
It just means play your game.
Don't try to go beyond your ability.
Ball high.
But don't we want them
to exceed what they've already done?
I see our job as creating a safe, nurturing atmosphere,
where the kids aren't afraid to strive for greatness
because they're afraid of failure.
Mike, I don't want you yelling that from my bench.
Well, I'm not comfortable yelling play within yourself.
Well, you don't want them playing within someone else, do you?
- Ball two.
All right, look alive out there, fellas. Here we go.
All right, Phillip, if he hits it, you hurry.
Ball three.
Small point, Mike.
We, uh...
don't say hurry in baseball.
We say go.
But, we want them to go fast, which means hurry--
Don't say hurry, Mike.
These kids...
They're at an impressionable age.
Okay?
Okay.
Let's go, Jimmy.
Ball four! Take your base.
Throw strikes, Jimmy! Here we go.
Ball one.
All right, no sweat, son.
We're just playing catch.
Like in the backyard.
Strike!
Ball two.
Ball three.
Ball four! Take your base.
Zero pressure.
Just playing catch.
Groove a strike for me, son.
Throw some strikes. Let's go, Jimmy!
Strike!
Ball one. Ball two.
Ball three. Strike two!
- Take your base.
Now batting for the Cardinals,
Ralph "Boom Boom" Johnson.
All right, Jimmy, you got him. Nothing to worry about.
Ball!
Can't walk him, Jimbo.
Don't let him hit.
Throw strikes, Jimmy!
Oh. For the love of God.
Mike, you're killing us right now.
What?
If that was your kid, we'd be winning.
No!
Throw third!
He's out.
Strike.
Strike!
Strike three!
Oh! Run it out, run it out!
Woo!
Oh!
Here we go, Jude, down!
Run it out!
Down! Get down! Get down!
Attaboy! Blazing speed!
Isn't this fun?
-Go! Attaboy! -Oh! Keep going!
-Keep going! -He scored! You scored! You're down!
You're down! What? Oh, get back. Attaboy!
Now, we're playing major league baseball!
And we're going!
Hit it! Go home! Yeah, good hustle, good hustle!
You're going around! Roundy round!
Woohoo! Woo!
Hey, you didn't do anything wrong.
That had nothing to do with you. He just hit it good.
You guys are playing great. You guys are playing great, too.
Strike!
Can I point something out, Mike?
What are we looking at?
Mrs. Timmy.
What about her?
She wants me.
She wants you?
Did you see what she did when I just looked at her?
She's eating...
Oh, come on, Mike. What rock do you live under?
For the love of God.
Strike two!
Don't you understand there's a whole fun house
out there of lonely, troubled, desperate moms.
It's a major coaching perk.
They see a slick guy, like me, and...
even you parading around,
and they cannot be held responsible for their minds running wild.
Huh.
Man.
Oh, if I was single.
Ball high! Take your base.
All right, last inning. Let's hold 'em!
Uh, it's only the sixth inning, Coach.
This is Ripken league, Mike.
That's all we play.
Everything I know is wrong.
All right, Jimmy.
--Come on, kid, you the man.
Yeah, come on, Jimmy! You got it!
-You were looking at your van, weren't you? -No.
-You're getting your money, whether you want it or not. -Stop, Mike.
I saw you looking at your van. I know what you're thinking.
You don't have a clue what I'm thinking.
You were looking at your van.
I'm not looking at my van.
You were looking at your van.
-I was not looking at my van. -Well, what were you looking at?
I don't have to tell you.
I know you don't have to tell me because I know.
I was looking for my wife.
- Ball one. -Okay?
I thought maybe she'd come...
opening day.
Oh.
I guess I don't, I don't know.
Strike!
She might be on her way. Traffic can be rough.
You're the only one,
in this town,
who ever gets in traffic.
Honest to God, I don't even know how you find it.
Here we go!
- He's out. - -Oh!
How about that?
Tito, kid! Attaboy!
You are not there by mistake!
All right. Kahil, you seeing this? Huh?
Could have been you, but it's not.
There's no mistakes. I put my people where they belong.
Straight up, Eric! Your ball!
That was a lucky catch, Eric.
You gotta watch the ball!
This is the season I kick that guy's ass.
Honest to God.
All right, you guys.
Bases loaded, two away.
One more out, we get a play at any bag,
we go home.
Coming to the plate is Ralph "Boom Boom" Johnson.
Don, I'm sorry he's not my kid.
Oh, it's not your fault, Mike.
Shake it off.
Jimmy, you gotta pitch to him. Got to know where to put 'em.
Come on, son!
Strike him!
Oh, dear God, no.
Easy catch, Frankie.
Easy catch, and we win, son.
Look at all the way into your glove.
Pick it up! Hit the cutoff man!
Frankie!
Throw it. Throw the ball, Frankie!
Don't... Don't hold the ball.
- Throw it! -It's like playing catch!
Frankie, throw the ball!
-Throw it! -See the boy waiting?
-See him? -Get the cutoff man!
- Throw the ball, Frankie! -Frankie, hit the cutoff man!
Throw the ball! Oh, throw the ball!
Oh! Oh!
Oh!
Good job, boys. I know.
I know.
It's okay to cry.
We'll get 'em next time.
My one rule,
is this...
do not ever,
ever,
hold onto the ball,
in my outfield.
Frankie, I'm talking to you. I'm over here.
Look at Coach Don, Frankie, when he's talking to you.
I don't ever want to see anything like that
ever again. Because whatever that was,
it wasn't baseball.
Well, excuse me, Coach Don, I thought we said
we weren't gonna get on the kids about physical errors.
Well, no, that's true, Mike.
But I think what we just witnessed out in right field
was a whole salad bar of mental errors.
Ah, he dropped the ball. That's, uh,
that's a physical error.
Yes, but if he'd used two hands, as I instructed him,
he would have caught the ball.
Hence, mental error.
Well, by that definition, everything's a mental error,
because the mind tells the body what to do.
Missing a ground ball could be called a mental error.
Could be, and will be.
-So, everything's mental? -Pretty much!
Yes! And I sure think that
holding onto the ball, in right field, and running around
in what looked like a figure eight,
while the tying and the winning runs scored,
qualifies as a big, fat,
stinking mental error!
Well, then I don't know why you made such a big deal out of
not criticizing the kids for physical errors
when you don't even believe such a thing exists.
Coach Don.
That's a good point, Mike.
Why don't we go ahead and take that up at our
mandatory coaches' meeting a little later?
Coach! Get your kids out there.
All right, you guys. Choke back those tears, and go shake hands.
Let's go. All class, all the time. Let's go.
Proud of you boys!
Say, Mike.
That, uh,
that equipment's not gonna crawl into the bag all by itself, is it?
-Oh, buddy. Tough loss, huh? -Mm-hmm.
I'm so proud of you. You did so well today.
Thanks, Mom.
All right, well, get 'em next time, right?
-Right. -Right.
All right, you wanna get some ice cream?
-Mm-hmm. -All right, let's go.
Uh, I got it. I got it.
Well...
what's the protocol in a thunderstorm?
Catch this.
We wait.
How long do we wait?
Till the commissioner gets here.
He's on a work release program.
The commissioner's a criminal?
That's a harsh word, Mike.
He's a good commissioner, and nobody wants the job.
Nobody wants to be a coach either.
Let me, uh... Let me ask you something there, Mike.
How come you wanted to be a coach?
Just wanted to have a special activity with my son.
There...
are other special activities out there, my friend.
I know. We joined Indian Guides.
That sounds fun.
Not really.
We had to go camping in the rain.
Call each other only by our Indian names.
What, uh... was your Indian name?
Doesn't matter.
Come on, I wanna know.
I'm not gonna tell you.
Was it, uh...
Chief Itchy Itchy Scrotum?
No, it wasn't, Don.
Well, Mike...
until you tell me your real Indian name,
I'm going to have to call you,
- Chief Itchy Itchy Scrotum.
They weren't real Indian names.
They're just the name assigned to us.
Can't believe you haven't fixed that yet.
Why don't you let me pay for your headlight, Don?
Forget about it, Mike.
Are you ever gonna fix it?
Not while we're on a winning streak.
You're not gonna fix your headlight 'cause the team is winning?
Pal,
you are obviously new to baseball.
Get that door and jump in.
Huh.
Woo!
You have an animal dead in here?
Ah, you haven't changed your socks, have you?
Not till we lose.
Ah, you really are superstitious.
Well, I just don't wanna jinx the team.
You really think there's a connection between your socks and how the kids are playing?
Well, it's all about believing, Mike. That's...
That's what the game's all about.
God Almighty, I never had to defend myself with old Tony.
He just...
He just understood.
One time, we're on a winning streak...
...he goes five weeks
without changing his T-shirt.
Five weeks.
His girlfriend gets hammered, spills a cup of salsa on it.
He can't wear that T-shirt to the next game.
We get bombed 8-3. Thank you, Tony.
Well, I didn't realize you had solid evidence to back it up.
Last year was just unbelievable.
We go out, plot strategy,
have three or four pitchers of beer.
Really, really think outside the lines.
For the kids.
So, by the end of the year, we'd be
sitting down at the end of the bench,
and we would not say...
a word.
I'm okay not talking if that's what you want.
Oh, hell no, Mike. You and I don't know
each other well enough to not talk to each other.
You talk to your wife?
Yeah, not much lately.
A cold front has moved in the area,
probably from Canada, thank you very much.
Well, the way you're thinking,
maybe that's a good thing to not talk.
I don't know about you, Mike, but...
for me, not talking to a woman's
a whole lot different than not talking to a normal person.
I can't believe she hasn't come to a single game yet this year!
Why hasn't she?
I don't know. She's busy all the time.
I can't keep track of where she goes.
But...
you gotta be supportive of every whacked out notion she comes up with.
The group, the job, the volunteer,
community, multi-ethnic, inner-city, non-denominational,
blahdity-blah-blah...
all of which, I respect.
Time goes by and here we are.
Two guys eating cookies in the rain.
I haven't even met your wife. I don't even know her name.
-Barbara. -Ha!
That... That is unbelievable.
-What, what's unbelievable? -We're eight games into the season,
I haven't even met Babs.
Give me a break. I tell you what!
What do you say you, me, and Babs,
we go out for-- And I know you don't like beer.
You have your reasons. This is not a criticism.
What about Babs? What does she go for?
A little wine cooler?
That her flavor? Huh?
Is that the, the commissioner?
The guy with the thing on his ankle?
Oh!
All right, you guys.
Now we are riding a six-game winning streak.
Today, there is no reason not to make it seven.
Okay?
Go Pirates on three. One, two, three.
Go Pirates!
Here we go, Trusty Rusty. What do you say, kid?
I like our chances here. Let's find a way to contribute!
Say, Rusty kid.
Dead on. That's what I'm talking about!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Come on, kid, pick 'em up, put 'em down!
Pick 'em up, put 'em down!
Come on, blue!
Oh! Run!
Good hustle, Jimmy!
Attaboy! Yeah, attaboy.
Way to make something happen!
Come on, let's go, Jimmy.
Come on, Jimmy.
Don't drop it, Eric.
Don't drop it, don't dro-- Oh!
Hey, I got great news, Eric.
There's still time to sign up for girls' softball.
I'm sure your mother would love that.
Hey, everybody, that's my son. He dropped the ball.
Way to go, son.
Stepping into the batter's box for the Royals,
Bubba Glen.
Strike three, you're out!
Here we go, Pirates.
Come on! You got this!
Be part of the solution, kid.
Safe!
Damn it, don't let him go!
Safe!
Hey, Ump, are high school seniors allowed to play?
Take it! Pick the ball up! Come on, now!
Out!
Yeah! That's my son! Yeah!
- Yeah! Way to go, Timmy!
Good job! Run!
Yeah!
Oh, what are you looking at?
For goodness sake.
Attaboy, Timor. Attaboy.
Now pitching for the Royals,
Burt Shilling.
Hey, blue? One second. Just one second.
How, uh...
How old would you say the pitcher is?
Twelve.
Do you know he drove to the game,
-and he hangs out at the VFW, Ump? -Let's play ball!
Honest to God, blue,
someone should check his birth certificate.
This is all about the kids, blue.
It's not all about the young adults!
He can't help his size.
All right, here we go, Frankie kid.
Let's get a little something going today.
Hey hey, attaboy.
That's my baseball player.
You know what I smell?
A hit, Frankie. I smell a hit.
Here we go, kid.
Stay in. Stay in.
-Ball! -Oh, Frankie! Frankie!
You're bailing. I want you to plant it and turn.
Right now, you're acting like you're a little scared.
And I know you're not 'cause it's Frankie Day.
He is not gonna hit you, kid.
Stay in there. Listen to Coach Don.
He is not gonna hit you. Here we go.
- Time! -Oh!
Oh! Dear God.
You okay? You all right, buddy? Come on.
All right, pal.
You okay, buddy?
All right. Way to use your head.
Attaboy, attaboy.
Way to tough it out.
That slight ringing sensation you have in your ear,
that's perfectly natural right now.
Here's the situation.
I got one away. You are my tying run, okay?
If that ball's in the ground,
I want you to hippity-hop to the barbershop.
You understand? All right, good.
All right, Kahil. Get that elbow up!
Frankie, one, two, three, look at me.
What do we say? We get what we get...
and we don't fret.
That's right. If you need to cry,
I want you to wait till the end of the inning. You understand?
-Mm-hmm. -All right, kid.
Gimme two steps. One, two. There you go.
Here we go!
Run, Frankie, run!
Don't watch the ball! It's gonna drop!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
-Oh, Frankie! -Oh! Oh!
Frankie, get back!
C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! Back!
Frankie, get back! Get back! Get back! Get back!
Don't get doubled up! Get down! Get down!
- Ugh! - -Ball game!
Oh!
Gah!
Good game, everybody.
My fault.
Okay?
My fault.
Gah!
Line up. Shake hands.
Here we go.
Hey, quick question, Don.
Was that a physical error or a mental error?
Well, I guess since you weren't out on the field, it couldn't be a physical error.
So it must have been a mental.
Shut up, Mike.
I exercised poor judgment and I let down the team.
Oh, come on, it's our first loss since opening day.
Everybody played great.
Except you. You didn't even play!
What the hell is wrong with you?
I'm just trying to be a pal. Cheer you up.
Well, stop it.
What kind of man are you, losing doesn't bother you?
Tell me... Tell me something.
-Why are you here? -What?
Making fun of me.
Making fun of the game of baseball.
I am not making fun.
I, I am just-- I'm thrilled to be here.
To be a part of this.
I was the kid who never got picked.
Ended up watching from the sidelines.
I don't want Frankie to be the kid who never gets picked.
That's why I'm here.
I hope this is a rich and fulfilling experience,
for the both of you.
You know, you don't own baseball, Don.
Let me and my kid have a little piece of it, okay?
You seen the other shin guard?
God, I do everything around here.
And not for nothing, but...
who else brought snacks this year?
Answer. Nobody.
Well, I didn't know you were bringing all the snacks.
Well, now you do.
Snacks are an integral part of these kids' baseball experience.
Let me ask you something there, Mike. How come...
you never bring snacks?
I mean, I accept that you are damn sure
not gonna come up with any brilliant game strategies,
but how about a little word across the pillow to Babs
that just the littlest contribution
-would be very greatly appreciated. -Her name's Barbara.
If she doesn't want to come to a single game all season, fine.
I don't judge someone's
lack of interest in their own kid. But...
oh my goodness, at least she could go to a grocery store,
and maybe pick up some crap
and show the kids we really care.
My wife's dead, Don.
What?
Barbara, my wife.
She's dead.
What are you talking about? When did this happen?
Oh, year ago.
Babs is dead,
and I didn't even get to meet her.
I'll bring snacks to the next game.
I didn't know I was supposed to.
Oh now, Jesus Christ, Mikey!
And don't call me Mikey!
Or Mike.
My name's Michael.
All right? Is that too much to ask?
Well, why couldn't you tell me about your wife?
'Cause I didn't wanna tell you about my wife!
I just wanted to be the assistant coach!
Oh, I see. So, I can just ramble on,
like some kind of five-star asshole
about how she should bring snacks,
and maybe we should, we should go out for wine coolers.
It's okay.
Yeah, it's okay for you! I feel like a jerk!
Listen, Mike, Mikey...
Michael!
If you keep it all bottled up in this ball of stress,
it is going to build and it is going to build,
- and then one day...
...it's going to explode,
and it will kill you.
That's none of my business.
I don't judge. The real question is,
how am I supposed to know who the guy is sitting next to me on the bench?
-I told you. -It only took you eight games.
About the only time I don't think about her is when I'm here.
And I'm tired, Don.
I need a break.
Where's Frank's father?
Nepal.
Nepal? The--
The one in Nepal?
That's the one.
Been on a pilgrimage for seven years.
Man...
I'd like to go on a damn pilgrimage.
Where do I sign up for my pilgrimage?
So, I'm Frankie's dad.
Well, that's good.
- He's a smart kid.
Why do you say that though?
I mean, he's never picked up a drill on the first try.
He doesn't even know what a cutoff man is. Still.
I, I don't know.
Maybe it's the glasses or the way he always walks around.
I, I, I don't know. He just seems like a smart--
Wh-- wh-- why is everything such a big mystery with you?
Your dead wife. Your kid's father.
Your real Indian name.
-Where is Frankie? -Just...
Oh, he's already in the car.
You can do this, Jimmy.
Attaboy! Here we go!
Complete game, Jimmy. Complete game.
What do you say, kid?
Strike!
Got your back, Jimmy!
He's out!
Got it!
He gone!
Tito!
Attaboy!
Come on, Tito. Come on, Tito. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.
Oh! Stay down, stay down.
Nice hustle! Come on, you kidding?
Way to hustle, kid!
Come on, Eric!
Come on, Eric kid!
--Attaboy!
- Nice hit! - -Woo!
- Go, get there, get there! - -Run it out!
You got it, you got it!
Attaboy! Attaboy! Attaboy!
- Attaboy! - -Woo!
Come on, Jimmy!
-Strike! -Attaboy!
Attaboy, Jimmy. You're pitching a gem here.
You never looked better. You're throwing aspirin.
It's blue smoke out there, baby.
Strike two!
Oh my goodness gracious.
Jimmy's just an unbelievable talent.
I've never been prouder of you, Jimmy.
You have never looked better!
Come on, son, here we go!
Shut 'er down!
You strike him out, Jimmy!
- Got him!
Way to go, Pirates.
Great win.
Bring it in, fellas. Bring it in, fellas.
Go Pirates on three. One, two, three.
Go Pirates!
Yeah!
All right, line up and shake hands!
Hey, buddy.
What's on your mind?
Well...
I was thinking.
There's only maybe three kids on our team
who can make it to the Majors someday.
Jimmy,
Eric,
and Timor.
You-- You think I'll ever get a hit?
All I know is you get better every day, Champ.
Yeah?
Wanna play some catch?
-Sure. -Here.
Let's practice.
Here you go.
Boom!
Nice.
--Whoa, did you hear that?
-Yeah, it was like a... -Pepper.
I see.
Try this guy on for size.
Oop! Well.
That was a tricky bounce, but try to get your glove
all the way down on those ground balls, Frank.
-Okay? -Got it.
Throw home!
Oh!
Aah!
Out!
I'm really sorry, Dad.
Lookit, uh...
I'm not gonna put any pressure on you.
But before you open that door, I just want you to think.
I want you to go ahead and think about all the things
that I've told you.
This is for the rest of your life.
Pick me up at 7:30?
Yeah.
Nice work, nice work.
Woo!
Good catch, good catch!
Woo!
Well, hello, Coach Don.
About to give up on you.
My one rule on tardiness.
Everyone can be late once.
All right, fellas, today...
Today we're gonna give more of you guys a chance to pitch.
How does that sound?
Yeah!
Where's Jimmy?
Jimmy won't be with us anymore.
-Is he okay? -Some, uh...
Some of you have heard the rumors at school. Sadly...
they're all true.
My Jimmy has...
gone and gotten himself a part in Brigadoon.
Apparently, he feels his skills are best used in service
to the American musical theater.
Now,
there is a proud tradition in baseball...
of rising above tragedy.
Which is just exactly what I wanna see you guys do.
And let's go out and win another championship.
- What do you say? Let's go loosen up those arms! Come on! -Yeah!
Lemme see who wants to pitch!
Great.
-Got you! Didn't I? -Oh! Geez Louise!
Bullshit! I knew it was you, Tony! Come on.
Don't arrest me, Officer! I didn't do anything wrong!
Yeah, right, I am so sure.
What's happening? What, do you have a date?
No, I...
I have to go to Parents' Night.
Pfft! Loser.
Doesn't Linda do that?
Well, she has the flu. Or... she says she has the flu.
So, she's at home while you're off to school?
Yes.
-Just doesn't seem right. -Tell me about it.
Hey, uh...
You wanna grab a beer later?
- I gotta work, pal. -Ah...
-See you around. -All right.
Fair enough.
You okay, Coach?
Oh. Yeah, I, I just...
Yeah, you look like you don't wanna go to school.
Ten-minute classes and I still get bored.
I was just wondering if you were gonna keep coaching.
What do you mean, because of Jimmy?
Sure.
I can't let my guys down, right?
That's great.
Because you're doing a wonderful job with these kids.
Thank you.
Now, lemme tell you something about your Timmy.
That's a pretty special kid.
Honest.
I guarantee you...
he is gonna get a hit one of these games.
I guarantee you.
Well, maybe we'll have some classes together.
What?
Oh my God.
What was that?
What do you say, Timmy Tim?
Tic-tack-toe! Timmy's my guy! We say Timmy! Here we go, kid!
-Ball! -Nothing but strikes, Timmy!
Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timski!
Here we go!
You're really on the Timmy bandwagon today.
Little thing called quid pro quo.
What's that?
Me and Mrs. Timmy.
Parents' Night.
My wife had the flu,
and Mr. Timmy is...
Living in the city with a yoga instructor. Yeah.
Right.
So, we went ahead and hunkered down in her Subaru,
in the very darkest part of the parking lot.
Here we go, Timmy kid! What do you say?
Ball two!
So, what happened?
What do you think happened?
Don, you're married.
Your point is...?
You shouldn't be doing that stuff.
What, you think I don't know that?
I'm only human, and so is Mrs. Timmy.
You know, I can't help but think
that if my wife took better care of herself,
she wouldn't have gotten the flu,
and she wouldn't have put me in that position with Mrs. Timmy.
Ball four!
Hey, blue, timeout!
You could totally take me out, Coach.
I'm not gonna do that, Timmy, and I'll tell you why.
'Cause I know for a fact, if you bear down right now,
you can get us out of this inning.
And I'm never wrong about that stuff.
Now, you are a madman. You are a beast.
-Who's the beast inside you? -Lewis.
Lewis. Hey, Lewis, tell me you're a beast.
-I'm a beast. A beast. -You're a beast. You're a beast.
-I'm a beast. I'm a beast! -Beast!
-You're gonna pitch like a beast! -Yeah!
You're a beast! Go get them! Come on, Lewis!
All right, come on, Timbo!
What do you say, kid? Just throw to the mitt.
Let your teammates do the work.
Here we go, kid, all about you!
How, uh...
How'd you know Mr. Timmy lives in the city?
She told me.
She hangs out.
Helps me put equipment in the car sometimes.
Well, you are in sweet shape, my friend.
You got a desperate divorcée,
hanging on by a thread,
and a dead wife?
Which is just
money in the bank.
You are living my dream. You are.
You really are.
All right, you guys! Show some character!
Life's about character! Here we go!
Strike!
--Hi, Roger.
Michael, from now on,
you need to tell me if you're leaving early.
I did. I told you I had baseball practice
and that I'd be coming in early in the morning to make up the time.
I got a lot on my plate, buddy boy.
You need to make it crystal clear.
I understand.
I'll, uh, I'll send a memo next time, okay? Bye.
Asshole!
Michael?
Hi, Roger. Sorry, this guy just cut me off. Asshole!
- Yeah, you!
Ugh!
Uh, anything else I can help you with?
-We'll talk in the morning. -Okay!
- Bye!
No, sorry. I'm... Sorry.
I am so proud of you guys.
Granted,
you're not the most talented players I've ever seen.
You drop fly balls.
You throw wild. You strike out.
And I don't recall seeing a team at any level that cries
as much as you do.
But... you played your hearts out,
and you made the playoffs.
-Nice going. -Yeah.
Every team makes the playoffs though, right?
Technically, that's true, Michael,
but let's not detract from what these young men have accomplished.
Incidentally, you're in violation of our
first rule about getting here on time.
-I let you know 24 hours in advance-- -No, you didn't,
but we'll take that up at our coaches' meeting after practice.
Now, how do we succeed
in the playoffs? Answer.
By winning games. And how do we win games?
Answer. By scoring more runs than the other team.
Which is why we are instituting
a new and exciting strategy,
for the playoffs.
Pirates, bring it in.
This strategy is so secret,
I don't even want you to tell your parents about it.
Can you be trusted?
Yes, sir.
As you were.
This...
is our new signal.
As soon as you get on base, you look at me.
If you see that my hat is turned around like this,
when you get to the next base,
you slide and pretend that you injured your leg.
Hold onto it. Yell.
Squirt a few tears. That shouldn't be a stretch for most of you.
And why do I want you to do this?
So that I can take you out,
and put a faster runner in,
and maybe score a run
that we wouldn't have gotten otherwise.
This is a very special strategy,
for our slower runners.
Rusty, you would be a top candidate.
And if lightning should strike,
and Frankie, you happen to find yourself on base,
I want you to go ahead and clean your glasses off
and take a look at my hat.
This isn't a strategy. This is cheating.
I have no problem if you stopped talking right now, Michael.
If we can't find a way to win fair and square, I, for one, would rather lose.
You cannot stand in front of people in their formative years,
and say that you would, "rather lose."
-I would rather lose than cheat. -Oh, please don't,
please don't waste our time quoting from the handbook of curling.
This is baseball.
This is wrong.
One, two, three, look at me.
All right, Pirates. We're gonna start the practice
by taking a nice long lap around the field.
I have decided to move up
our coaches' meeting to a little earlier.
Here we go. Let's go.
Hustle!
We lost our best player.
I feel responsible that it's my kid,
who's putting on makeup and prancing around in tights,
instead of whiffing guys with his fastball.
I'm trying to make up for that loss.
Just let 'em play.
-You ever read the rulebook, Michael? -No.
Well, let me tell you something.
My strategy is fully sanctioned by the Ripken rulebook.
An injured baserunner may be replaced--
But they're not actually injured!
-They're acting injured! -Acting?
Is that a shot at my Jimmy?
What? No! No, it's a shot at you!
For being so obsessed with winning
that you're gonna teach these kids to cheat.
I'm warning you.
You have been no help all year.
I have done everything.
Snacks, schedules, fungoes.
Oh! You're still mad about the headlight!
The only reason you offered to pay for my headlight
was to show that you were the guy with the high dollar value
-and I was the jerk with a van! -That is so wrong.
Always on the phone,
making calls that are so much more important than the kids.
I, I talk on the phone to Roger,
my boss, who's 24, loves to boss me around.
I used to have an okay job,
before they busted me down for missing too much work.
Tardy? Stuck in that unbelievable traffic?
I missed a lot of days when my wife was sick.
Oh, you just cannot wait to play that trump card, can you?
The reason why I was late today was 'cause I had to make sure
Roger's desk got here on time.
Does that sound like a big shot job to you?
All you had to do was call.
I did call! I called Linda! Your wife.
Nice try, but she was at book club last night, and it ran late.
They got in an argument about The Da Vinci Code.
She was not even home until 11:30.
I called at 7:30.
You tell her you were gonna be late?
Well, I tried, but she said she was on the other line and would get back to me.
-Did she? -Well, what happened was, she got back on my line,
-obviously thinking she'd switched over to the other line. -Why do you think that?
Because she said, "I'll meet you at the usual place!"
Who was she talking to?
I don't know!
She was on her line, I was on my line.
-It was all rolled up. -Oh no, no...
What name did she use?
-She didn't use a name. -Yes, she did!
Don... Eh-- The kids!
Run. Go ahead, all the way to field D. Let's go!
Now you!
Hey, I don't wanna fight. Are we gonna fight?
Of course not, pal.
-Hey! -Take off the mask.
-No. No! -Tell me what Linda said.
What if-- What if I don't?
-Then I'll kill you. But we are not gonna fight. -Don, no!
Jesus! Ah!
Don!
I thought you said we weren't gonna fight.
Well, don't fight back and we won't be fighting.
-What did she say? -Help...
-Come on! -...me.
What did she say?
She said I'll meet you at the usual place,
TB.
-TB? -I think so...
Huh?
Tony Barone?
Huh? Oh, come on.
Tony Barone?
Hey, Don.
Maybe there's some kind of explanation.
-Of course there is. -Well, there you go!
What do you think it is?
Either they're planning a surprise party for me
or my best friend is banging my wife.
Boy, wouldn't it be great if it's a surprise party.
Hey, everybody.
So, Coach Don had to leave early.
So, I guess that makes me the coach.
I know that was a long run. It's pretty hot out here.
So, if any of you are feeling faint, feel free to sit down.
All right. Every single one of you.
Well, when you're feeling better,
we're gonna have batting practice.
Uh, first one to touch home plate bats first.
¶ It's too far gone to say ¶
¶ We tried to put the pieces ¶
¶ Back together ¶
¶ For the first time I discovered ¶
¶ Someone I was meant to be ¶
¶ And the world looks so much brighter when I'm following ¶
¶ My dream ¶
All right, everybody.
Everybody look alive!
Nice. Get in front of it!
Way to knock it down.
Oh, Eric! You're a stud.
Oh! Is he gonna make it?
Yes, he is!
Look at my Pirates!
What an arm.
Second base!
There it is!
Woo, out!
One more.
Oh!
Oh! Everybody, give him a hand. You see how fast he was?
Pirates! Give yourselves a hand!
Hey, Don.
Is it okay I just dropped by like this?
I guess it'll have to be.
I heard you were living out here,
and I didn't know any other way to get in touch--
Oh, don't get any ideas, Michael. This...
This is all just temporary.
I just thought you might like to know
how we did on our first playoff game.
Score's tied. Last inning.
Rusty's on first.
Hoo!
I'm so nervous, I turn my hat around backwards,
without even thinking about it.
Eh!
Oh, my leg!
Wha--
Oh, my leg! I think I broke my leg!
Oh!
Oh, my leg!
Uh... You okay?
-Think I broke my leg! Ah! Oh my gosh! -You okay? You okay?
Ah! Ah! I can see the light!
Oh.
Here, let me get you. Can you walk on it?
-I don't think-- -Here. Put your hand...
Ready? Okay.
Hey, Coach! Let's get a runner in there.
-Uh... Timor! Take second! -Oh! My leg...
- Yeah! Run, run, run, run, run.
I put Timor in.
He steals third,
steals home,
and we win.
So, in other words, my substitute runner strategy
worked, huh?
By accident. Yeah.
That's not totally bad, Michael.
That's not totally bad.
Listen, Don, if there's anything I can do...
If you wanna take a shower.
Spend the night in a house.
Thanks. But...
Me and Linda, we're gonna work it out.
Really?
Wow, okay!
Yeah.
We all screw up, right?
And there have been times,
when I've done things with people, women people,
that, technically, I should not have.
The point is,
we have to learn to forgive each other and ourselves.
So, that we don't let a few mistakes ruin our lives.
So...
We're gonna give it another shot.
Oh boy, am I glad to hear that.
Listen, I haven't run it by her yet.
Sounds pretty good, doesn't it?
Absolutely.
Very good.
Good luck.
Thanks. You too.
I hope you win that championship.
Well, win or lose,
it's been a great season.
That's the key.
No pressure.
Play it like it's just another game.
¶ Take me out to the ball game ¶
¶ Take... ¶
- ¶ Me out to... ¶
¶ The show... ¶
¶ And buy me some peanuts... ¶
¶ And Cracker Jack ¶
¶ I don't care if we ever come... ¶
¶ Back ¶
- ¶ And it's... ¶
¶ Root, root, root for... ¶
¶ The Pirates ¶
¶ If they don't win... ¶
¶ Everything's fresh, everything's new ¶
¶ Suddenly, I can see so clearly ¶
¶ I can make this world a better place ¶
¶ For the first time, I've discovered ¶
¶ Someone I was meant to be ¶
¶ And the world looks so much brighter ¶
¶ When I'm following my dream ¶
Well, what do you think?
Would you talk to me on the street?
-Mm? -Mm?
I think I look pretty good.
If you marry Timmy's mom,
will I have to share my room with Timmy?
Oh, buddy.
We're-- we're just going on a date.
So, you're not getting married?
No! No.
I mean, I don't know.
So, you might get married?
I, I, I'm just hoping to make it through dinner.
Because I'm okay with sharing my room with Timmy.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
¶ From a dreamer shining bright ¶
¶ In the darkness ¶
¶ You will find ¶
¶ One little light makes all the difference ¶
¶ Watch me ¶
¶ Shine ¶
Love you.
-Go get some ice cream. -Okay.
God Almighty!
That was so great!
You were so great! Oh!
You kicked ass in there, Jimmy.
I've never been more proud of you.
Was this better than when I beat the Cubs last year?
Not better, son.
It was different.
Mom said it was okay if we went for ice cream.
Yeah.
We could...
We could do spoons.
- We could do that.
Oh, this was really fun, Michael.
Yeah, me, too.
- I mean, it-- I had, I had fun, too.
This was fun.
Well...
-Good night. -Okay.
Yeah. Good night.
See you.
Uh, Carolyn.
-See you again. -Yeah.
-Okay. -Love it.
-Bye. -You look beautiful.
I mean, you do look beautiful.
-Thank you. -I'm gonna go now.
You coming in?
No, that's... That's okay.
I'll see you tomorrow.
- Bye, Dad.
I love you, pal.
Love you, too.
I'm really glad you came today.
Me too.
¶ O'er the land of the ¶
¶ Free ¶
¶ And the home ¶
¶ Of the ¶
¶ Brave ¶
Play ball!
Here we go, folks. The championship game.
Featuring last year's pennant-winning Pirates,
facing the streaking Cardinals.
All right, guys. No pressure.
We're just gonna play this like it's any other game.
Really, Rusty?
Most important game of the season,
you can't get here on time?
There's a long line at the IHOP!
Uh-huh.
All right, so we're the home team,
that means we bat first.
- And that-- -No.
That we means we bat second.
And we're gonna give it our all.
We win, you guys get a really big trophy.
If we lose, we get
slightly smaller trophy.
- So, let's get out there.
All right.
Strike!
All strikes, Kahil! Let's go!
I got your back, man! Come on!
Throw some strikes! I'm ready!
Come on!
All right, let's go!
-Hey, Mike. -Hey.
-Brought some, uh, some snacks for the guys. -Why thanks, Don.
Coming to the plate is Ralph "Boom Boom" Johnson.
So, uh, you sticking around?
No! No, no, no, I got...
I got stuff I gotta do.
Let's go!
Strike!
Yeah, so I...
went to that Brigadoon thing last night, or,
or whatever you call it. And I tell you what, it...
Jimmy would have won easy if they were keeping score.
Well, boy, we sure could use him.
Yeah.
-Hey, you wanna coach first base? -What?
Yeah.
If you need me. Y--
Yeah, sure thing.
Ball!
Eh-- All right! Look alive out there, boys.
Look alive!
Little heat on the hill, Kahil.
I got a confession to make, Don.
I really wanna win.
Come on, now, you're in the championship.
You're a winner already.
No, no. I mean, I really wanna win.
I haven't changed my underwear since class started.
--Look at that.
You are turning into a real baseball man there, Mike.
That's in, that's in!
Hit the cutoff man! Yeah!
Back, back, back!
Thataway!
Let's go! Let's go!
You go, Pirates!
Way to hold him, way to hold him!
Boy, I'd like to adopt that kid.
Nobody'd ever beat us.
You, uh...
You go out and talk to Kahil for just a, a second or two?
Oh, yeah! Right, thanks. Uh, blue? Timeout!
Uh... Uh...
Uh...
I, I, I'd be more than glad to hold onto that for you.
-Yeah! -Yeah. Great. Go talk to Kahil.
Get him straightened out. Here we go, Pirates!
-Hey, Coach. -You okay?
My nose hurts.
-Your nose? -My brother kicked me last night.
It wasn't a accident, but I get yelled at.
You wanna stay in?
If I'd a kicked him, it would have been like,
"no Xbox for a week." It sucks.
Yeah. Try to focus on the game. Okay, Kahil?
- All right. -All right!
- Let's see some heat!
Oh, oh, oh! Don, no, no!
-What are you doing? -You're a winner, Mike.
-You're a winner. -Wait, wait.
No, no, no, no! Thi-- This is my job.
Hey, your boss is not your boss.
-Who's your boss? -Oh...
I know I'm supposed to say me,
but I don't think that's actually true in this case.
- Are you the boss?
-Are you the boss? -Okay.
I do this,
for you, Mike.
Oh!
--Oh!
- Now, we can concentrate on baseball!
- All right. - -Woo!
Take that Roger, you jerk!
-Attaboy! -Who's the boss, now?
That feels good, doesn't it?
That feels good.
-Hey, talk it up out there! -Yes, indeed.
-I can't hear you! -Yes, indeed!
You got this Kahil.
C'mon, we're gonna win this one!
-Strike him out! -Come on, Kahil! You can do it!
Let's go, Kahil! Throw some strikes! Let's go!
Now, we got a little round ball going.
Oh, pop up! Pop up!
No, no, no! No play, Eric! No play!
Out!
Atta kid, atta kid!
-You see that!? -Why don't you tell your son he made a great play?
Hey, Ed! I'm talking to you!
Yeah, it was a good play.
No, you're louder than that when he screws up. I don't think he heard you.
Why don't you go sit down, Don?
I just wanna hear you say, "Eric, you made a great play."
-Why don't you mind your own business? Yeah? -This is my business!
-We need you, Don. -I am not done with you yet, pal.
-That's terrific. All right. -I am not done with you.
¶ I got the gold in my hands ¶
¶ Second place will never do ¶
Strike!
Strike two!
And three!
¶ It's good enough for you ¶
¶ Worked too hard too long ¶
¶ Came too far just to turn back now ¶
Take two! Take two! Take two!
¶ I'm a new sensation ¶
¶ Came to win, win, win, win, win ¶
Here we go, Tito! Hustle, hustle, hustle!
Feet, feet, feet, that a boy!
¶ Keep your eyes on the juice, honey ¶
¶ 'Cause I will be okay ¶
Nice! Come on, Tito!
Oh!
¶ You want the power and the glory ¶
¶ And it ain't no sin ¶
¶ Till the new sensation ¶
¶ Came to win, win, win, win, win ¶
Throw it to home!
- Safe! - -Oh!
Good throw! Good throw!
¶ Yeah ¶
Woo! Woo!
Get him, get him, get him!
¶ Put your heart to the line ¶
¶ Came to far just to turn away ¶
¶ Uh, uh, uh ¶
¶ Yeah ¶
You know who's looking good?
Yeah. Eric. Having the game of his life.
Mrs. Timmy.
Well, same outfit she had on at Parents' Night.
Plus she just smiled at me.
I'm thinking of taking a run at that now that I'm living in my van.
Yeah, women can't resist that.
- Strike two!
You think, uh...
you think that she would go out with me?
Well, actually,
we've kind of been seeing each other.
You?
And Mrs. Timmy?
- Carolyn.
Carolyn!
Must be serious if you know her first name.
That's good.
That's good. I'm, I'm...
happy for you.
-Really, Don? -Yeah.
After all, you spent some time with her in a Subaru.
Ah...
Never actually happened.
-Uh-oh. -What?
Bases loaded. Look who's up.
Now batting for the Cardinals
is Ralph "Boom Boom" Johnson.
That's two outs!
Play at any base.
Bear down, get this last one. Come on, boys.
C'mon, we're gonna win this one!
C'mon, Kahil, you can do this!
Strike him out!
You got it, Frankie! It's all yours!
Oh, dear God.
Please, let him catch this ball.
Just once.
Let him know what it feels like
to have the ball stay in his glove.
Let him have this one memory for the rest of his life.
The night the ball fell into his glove and stayed there.
Check your stats, God.
He's 12 years old.
His first and last year at Ripken League.
No team for my boy next year.
This is it.
This is a small request.
Last year, I asked you to let my wife live,
and yeah, that was a big one.
And I'm sure you had your reasons for what happened.
Which I try to respect, but I'll never understand.
But, this should be a no-brainer.
Bases are loaded.
Frankie's already struck out three times,
plus a ball got by him, went all the way to the fence.
Bad hop, not his fault.
One more example of your peculiar sense of humor,
which has caused so much hilarity through the ages.
I need to feel hope.
I wanna know there's a purpose for all this.
For the dropped fly balls
and the endless hours in the hospital waiting room.
I don't need much.
Just a quick thumbs up from the home office.
Just once,
I need this boy to catch this ball.
Please.
Ah! Ha-ha-ha!
Nice catch, Frankie! Huh?
Nice catch, kid! Attaboy!
Holy cow!
Woo! Good job, Frankie!
--Oh my God.
Nice catch, Frankie.
Frankie! Frankie! Frankie!
Proud of you.
Frankie! Frankie! Frankie! Frankie! Frankie! Frankie!
-Strike! -All right, Phillip,
if you like it, drive it.
If it's bad, just let it go by!
You're up there to hit, pal. You're up there to hit.
Walk's just as good as a hit, Phillip.
Got a full count on the batter.
- Ball four. All right, kid. Take your base. -Come on down.
See? Good eye! Good eye! Atta kid.
Good eye. Walk's as good as a hit.
It's the bottom of the sixth.
Two outs, Cardinals lead by one run.
-Woo! -Up to bat for the Pirates,
Timmy Clark.
A very important point.
If the ball's on the ground,
I want you going, you understand?
I want you going.
When you get around third you look at Coach Mike,
he'll tell you what to do. Okay?
That's key. Look at Coach Mike.
Take your primary.
Hey, Timmy!
Hit away. Just hit away.
- Oh!
Go, go, go, go, Phillip! Go!
Go, Phillip, go! Go!
You can catch base!
Keep it coming! Keep it coming!
-Go, Timmy, go! Go! -Hurry, hurry!
All right, Pirates.
I know that didn't turn out the way we were hoping.
But I am so proud of each and every one of you.
You taught me a lot this season.
I think you played the game of your lives.
Thank you for teaching me to be a better coach.
I'll never forget this season.
I hope you don't either. All right!
Get out there and shake hands with the other team,
'cause they played great, too.
Good game. Good game. Good game. Good game. Good game. Good game.
Guess I shouldn't have sent Phillip home.
Ah, he'd have made it easy if he didn't trip.
All season long, he's been resistant to double-knotting.
-I don't know why. -Hey, uh...
Did you see what happened after Phillip was out?
No.
He just went down to the end of the bench,
and he sat there,
all alone.
And then,
Timor went down with him.
And then Eric.
And then Frankie.
What did they say?
Didn't say anything.
They were just there.
They were a team.
Ah, I love this team.
Me too.
Uh...
Good game, Coach.
Yeah, thanks.
Hey, Mike!
Would it be okay if Frankie came to our house?
I can grab a pizza, and you can pick him up later.
Yeah. Okay.
Okay.
Right! You guys ready?
Okay.
So, you around next week, Don?
Find a good place to park.
Why?
I'll give you a call.
Why?
We get together.
Why?
I don't know. Get a pizza or something.
Do whatever people do when they get together.
I'm gonna say something here, Mike.
Okay.
There is no reason
for us to get together.
See...
I don't really consider you
a friend, and I think, if you're honest,
you will find that
you don't really consider me a friend either.
Of course I do. Why wouldn't I?
Oh, please, Mike...
I'm asking you to be honest.
And that's a hard thing.
So, I shouldn't call you?
I thought we were getting to be friends.
I thought Tony was my friend.
See, Mike...
There comes a time for every man who lives in his van,
when he wants to know the truth.
And the truth is...
that you and I could never be...
friends.
I guess if I'm being honest...
there were plenty of times I dreaded coming here
because I knew it meant seeing you.
I didn't know what to say.
See?
Isn't that better?
Isn't that better than some bullshit friendship
where you gotta fake stuff like caring about another person?
I mean, it's a pretty big thing.
We can tell each other the truth.
I never knew not being friends could offer so much.
Oh, damn.
I...
Oh.
I forgot to give out the snacks.
Snacks are an integral part of the baseball experience.
Well, I just figured,
it's the last game.
Guys should have the best.
So, I, uh...
I broke into the house last night,
and I cooked these up myself.
Well, that's a positive step.
You and Linda spending some time together.
Whether she knew it or not.
Felt nice being back.
I, uh...
sat in all my favorite chairs.
Well...
When I got to the van,
I threw a hammer at the house.
How come?
Right there, handy, in the front seat.
Well, these things take time.
Yeah.
¶ Take me out to the ball game ¶
¶ Take me out to the crowd ¶
¶ Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks ¶
¶ I don't care if I ever get back ¶
¶ For it's root, root, root for the home team ¶
¶ If they don't win, it's a shame ¶
¶ For it's one, two, three strikes you're out ¶
¶ At the old ¶
¶ Ball ¶
¶ Game ¶
¶ For it's root, root, root for the home team ¶
¶ If they don't win, it's a shame ¶
¶ For it's one, two, three strikes, you're out ¶
¶ At the old ¶
¶ Ball ¶
¶ Game ¶
¶ Let's play ball! ¶
¶ I got the gold in my hand ¶
¶ Second place will never do ¶
¶ You got the silver and the bronze, baby ¶
¶ That's good enough for you ¶
¶ Worked too hard, too long ¶
¶ Came too far just to turn back now ¶
¶ I want the power and the glory ¶
¶ And it ain't no sin ¶
¶ I'm a new sensation ¶
¶ Came to win, win, win, win, win ¶
¶ The opposition's in your way, baby ¶
¶ But they are always there ¶
¶ Keep your eyes on the dream, sonny ¶
¶ 'Cause none of them don't care ¶
¶ No ¶
¶ Worked too hard, too long ¶
¶ Came too far just to turn back now ¶
¶ You want the power and the glory ¶
¶ And it ain't no sin ¶
¶ You're the new sensation ¶
¶ Came to win, win, win, win, win ¶
¶ Uh ¶
¶ Yeah ¶
¶ Uh ¶
¶ Worked too hard, too long ¶
¶ Came too far just to turn back now ¶
¶ Uh, uh, uh ¶
¶ Yeah ¶