Tara.
Hey, I'm Brad chase from D.c.
- Alan Shore. - Pleasure.
I think that's my seat.
I did see someone's things here. I moved them to a less desirable location.
I'm sorry. We're not territorial about that sort of thing around here, are we?
- Denny Crane. - Yes, Denny, I know.
I run the New York office. Peter Stone?
- Denny Crane. - I know, I'm chicago.
My kind of town. Always had the best sex of my life in Chicago.
- What about you? - Well...
Greetings, Tokyo, London.
- Good morning. - Morning, Denny.
- Brad Chase, there you are, soldier. - Hey.
Oh, everybody remembers Brad chase, I'm sure.
Hell, if I do. It's good to see you, man.
All right, everybody, lock and load.
Item one...
- Forget item one. - Actually, Denny, item one is a rather...
- ...urgent matter that we must discuss. - Why don't you brief us.
Gladly. If we...
Item two. "Beckerman discovery"? What the hell is that?
Well, opposing counsel was granted their motion to compel.
Which means we are now required to turn over all correspondence...
...and scientific studies.
And the ones we burned before the judge's orders?
- We didn't burn any documents. - Well, sure, we did.
Do it today.
All right, Nigel, keep going. We're listening.
- If we don't... - Item three.
Denny, this is not a way to conduct a staff meeting.
- Where the hell is Edwin? - Sorry I'm late, good people.
Is it casual Monday?
Edwin...
...everything all right?
Hunky-dory.
- It's all gonna be fine. - Unbelievable.
Not really. Always figured him for a loon.
Tara. Where's Tara? I need Tara!
I'm right here, Edwin.
Oh, thank you. You have to contact Bill.
- I will, Edwin. I promise. - Apologize for my delay.
Then call my wife, say I've had a small breakdown.
- Of course. - Oh, my goodness. The Brant appeal.
- I have the Brant appeal! - Relax, Edwin. We'll handle it.
Denny, guess what. I'm due in court with Tara.
We're on it. Don't you worry. You just get better.
- Okay. - Demagnetize his parking pass.
- I beg your pardon? - I know when a man is gone.
Do you think you can handle this case without a copilot?
- Well, I... No... - Who's the judge?
- Resnick. - He's a schmuck.
Alan, back Tara up. She's before Schmuck Resnick.
See if you can get a damn continuance.
- Brad, you got a few minutes? - No. I've got an early shuttle.
- Get a later one. I need face time. - What's up?
Edwin Poole was the only one here able to rein in Denny Crane. Without him...
If you are about to go where I think...
We need you back in Boston more than in D.C., Brad.
Lori, Ernie Dell just came in.
He's upset about something. I sent him to your office.
- My office? - The alternative would be Denny's.
- And nobody here wants that. - excuse me. I need a lawyer.
This is my daughter. She tried out for the national tour of Annie.
And she was the best one. And she was passed over because she was black.
It's discrimination. It's bigotry. It's prejudice. And we want justice.
Please tell me that you've never seen anything like that before.
Baring your ass to 24 attorneys, including two overseas...
...that is an unprecedented triumph.
I'm just distraught I didn't think of it myself.
You know what I like about you?
- No, I do not. - excuse me. Sorry to interrupt.
Brad Chase. Look, I'm considering staying...
...but we got off on the wrong foot. I like to be straight up.
If there's an issue, let's address it head-on, if you don't mind.
I have trouble talking that fast.
I don't believe in being straight up.
But I'm a big fan of your Aqua Velva commercials.
There's a potential client here. I'd like you to meet with her.
Forgot to mention, I outrank you.
Do you? And I'm such a slut for authority.
All right, you think the two little boys could get off the playground now?
- "Kiss today." - I don't wanna sing.
You need to practice. You wanna make Juilliard?
"Kiss today."
- Oh, my. - Never mind, "Oh, my."
She sings like a sparrow. Here, look.
I've got these producer notes, which I got because of my personal ingenuity.
Says she has the most talent. You can read it for yourself.
I'm afraid there's been a mistake. I don't do musical comedy.
Annie's a drama. It's full of suspense...
...on whether a little girl gets to live with a rich guy. It's dramatic.
- Can I help you? - I need to speak to Edwin Poole.
- Mr. Poole has stepped out... - You don't understand. This is urgent.
- Where the hell is Edwin Poole? - Hi. Is there anything I can do to help?
Yes. My ex-husband is trying to take my children from me.
And Edwin Poole, he missed my hearing today.
And I've been calling his cell phone, and...
- What the hell is going on around here? - excuse me. I'm Brad chase.
We're gonna take care of this for you.
Take a seat in the conference room. I'll get you a glass of water.
All right. Thank you.
- I was handling it. - I thought I'd help.
- That's nice. But I was handling it. - Why can't I try to help?
Because you feel I can't deal on my own.
- I don't feel that way. - I guess I have no idea what you feel.
- I guess not. - And that's supposed to be my fault?
Wait a minute.
You two have had sex.
I'm sorry. We're not territorial about that sort of thing around here, are we?
If you're not going to tell me...
I would prefer to tell Denny. Where the hell is he?
Ernie, you and I have done business for a long time.
And we've always been able to talk to each other.
If I'm to help you here...
My wife is cheating on me.
And she informed me that she has been cheating on me...
...for our entire marriage.
It's been a fraud from day one.
Okay. First, you've only been married since August.
Second, you've had five other marriages dissolve...
But this, this was the real thing.
What's the goal? To get her back?
I'd like to put a private investigator on her.
- Get some proof. - If she's admitted...
The goal being to get compromising pictures to use as leverage.
In hopes of...?
Negotiating an annulment.
I know it sounds crazy.
And I know I'm one of those obnoxious stage mothers. I get that.
But Sarah worked hard.
I've tried to teach her, what you earn, people can't take that away from you.
- She's earned this, Mr. Shore. - I have no doubt.
But you realize producers do have discretion...
...and the art of casting strikes me as a very inexact science.
If they knew they were going white, why did they let her try out?
Why did they let her get her hopes up?
I'll tell you why.
So they can pass themselves off as equal-opportunity employers.
So they can claim to be about diversity.
They want it both ways, Mr. Shore. And my daughter got hurt.
That was our deal.
I would work two jobs, put him through business school...
...then he would put me through medical school.
A week after he graduated, he got a job running a mutual fund.
And a week after that, he left me.
Our kids were 4 then.
Twins.
Simon and Harry.
They're 8 now.
- Oh, they're beautiful. - thanks.
In their peewee-league uniforms.
You know, he's never seen one of their games.
- He pay your way through med school? - Take a wild guess.
I don't care, though. I've graduated now.
I've got a residency waiting for me in New York City.
But Matthew won't let me take the boys out of state.
Says he wants them close by, these boys he sees once a month.
It's nothing but spite.
Now, look, we're going to reschedule a hearing.
Everything is going to work out fine. You just have to be patient.
If I'm not at columbia-Presbyterian 8 a.m. Monday...
...they will give my spot away.
That can't happen. I have worked too hard to build a life for these boys.
- We can't tail the wife. - that's what he wants, Denny.
Can't do it. Not ethical.
- She's a client too. - What I would suggest...
...is we send a letter of withdrawal to end run the conflict.
- Get an opinion letter about... - I don't want to tail the wife.
Denny, I don't need to tell you that Ernie Dell is one of our biggest clients.
If he wants a private investigator, what's the real harm?
The harm would be to me.
I'm sorry?
I'm the one sleeping with his wife.
Denny is having an affair with the woman?
I've got a senior partner saying don't tail her.
I've got a client wanting snapshots. What do I do, Paul?
Convince Ernie that the private-investigator idea is a bad one.
Oh, sure.
You have enormous persuasive skills, Lori.
- You're handling me. - I am.
And I need you to handle Ernie.
I will handle Denny.
- Tara? - Hi.
Don't be offended by this.
I know you're a great lawyer with exceptional legal skills.
- And? - I need you to flirt with Ernie Dell.
- Excuse me? - The man is a profound skirt-chaser.
- What's wrong with your skirt? - Okay, look.
Men sometimes find me attractive. they'll even hit on me sometimes.
It's all deeply rewarding. But you...
- What me? - you're hot.
Yeah. Kind of nasty hot.
Men would leave their wives for you. I need Ernie to forget about his...
- If you think... - Don't make me pull rank.
You can file a sexual-harassment claim later...
...but now you need to meet with Ernie.
It seems the client can't pay...
...so the firm will have to eat the cost of prosecuting this.
I'm sure the partners won't object...
...when they hear it was a case you assigned me.
I'll tell you what. I'll pay the cost of prosecuting the case.
Of course, if you were a betting man...
You win, I pay. You lose, you pay.
Bit of a gamble, I realize.
I'll pay double.
- Got another hearing? - that's the good news.
The not-so-good news is we probably won't win it.
But it gives us leverage to get your ex-husband in a room.
- Wait. What are you talking about? - We wanna take a shot at a settlement.
- If your ex cares about these kids... - He doesn't.
This is all about getting me. Have I not been clear?
- He doesn't even know the kids. - I've dealt with bad ex-husbands before.
Mr. Chase, no offense, but you have never dealt with this one.
Trust me.
This is Little orphan Annie for God's sake.
- If she doesn't look the part... - I didn't realize we did racial profiling...
These are private investors, no state action involved.
How would the story change if Annie were black?
- Your Honor, are you serious? - counsel, we are talking about adoption.
Daddy Warbucks isn't the biological father.
- How would the story change? - Annie is an iconic character based...
I wanna see her.
- Excuse me? - The girl who got the role.
- I wanna compare. - Is that really fair to the other little girl?
Counsel, if she can sing eight times a week...
...in front of 3000-plus people a night, she can sing in front of me.
Get her in here.
I want the private investigator.
Ernie, the photographs will have no legal relevance.
They can't facilitate an annulment.
I am the customer here, Lori.
The customer isn't always right.
May I...
...make an observation?
I really don't know you, Mr. Dell...
...but I suspect there's a reason these younger women want to marry you.
- It's called money. - you're wrong.
It's called power.
And you derive a lot of that power not just from being handsome...
...and sexy, but from being dignified.
Hiring a private investigator is beneath you.
There are many young, beautiful women out there who would love...
...to jump into your...
...wife's place.
I know this sounds crazy...
...but you might want to look at this as an opportunity.
Paul.
You and I go back a long way, Denny.
Completely mindful of the fact that you helped build this place...
...the partners here will not allow you to dismantle it with your buffoonery.
- What did you say to me? - I don't think you want to hear it again.
To have an affair with the wife of one of our biggest clients...
...it disrespects both Ernie Dell and this firm.
- We have other clients. - Not like Ernie.
But your point is well-taken.
Everybody is fungible.
Lori colson won't tail my wife.
- I want you to do it. - Ernie...
I'm not talking to you.
Get it done, Denny.
Denny, I'm having a bit of an identity crisis.
I've always prided myself on being, well, nuts.
But in this firm, I find myself falling into the sane category.
You think I'm nuts, do you?
Are you scared?
Scared?
What would I be scared of?
Edwin Poole is a friend.
To see him just go off the high dive...
Edwin Poole's problem is he doesn't like being Edwin Poole.
From time to time...
...he will look in the mirror and ask, "what's the point?" I never do that.
Questions like that will kill you.
Questions like "what's the point?"
Look, take you, for example.
Tomorrow, you'll go into court and argue...
...that some little fat black kid should be able to play a little skinny white one.
What's the point?
You don't ask. That's the point.
You gonna win, by the way?
The world wants to know.
I'm afraid not.
There's no state action.
We've asked for a specific performance with no evidence of discrimination.
I don't like losing, especially when there's a wager involved.
Well, don't, soldier.
Pull a rabbit out of your hat.
That's the secret...
...of both trial law and life.
Rabbits?
Oh, yeah.
Good morning. Crane, Poole and Schmidt.
Excuse me. I'm looking for...
You, actually. All my life.
- Matthew. - Tara.
Alan.
I had a girl who looked like you once.
Married her. Now she looks like you.
Where the hell is my lawyer?
If you took summer, plus winter breaks...
...spring break, holiday weekends, you start to get pretty close...
- ...to what you have right now. - Pass.
That's too much custody for Superdad.
Is there any acceptable scenario that would allow for Sharon...
...to enroll in her program without leaving the boys behind?
We could each take one.
Excuse me?
Like that movie where the woman has to pick a kid.
- Sophie's choice. - Thank you.
Only this is Sharon's choice. One goes to New York.
- I keep the other one. Done. - outrageous. The boys love each other.
- They're best friends. - A little weird, don't you think?
- So we should split them up. - Stop doing this!
You have already scarred your children enough to last a lifetime.
Imagine how that feels to a little boy...
...knowing their dad doesn't care if he sees them.
And yet if it means denying me something that I want...
...something I deserve, something this family needs...
...suddenly you're a concerned father. Damn you!
And what about my needs?
What freakish nightmare did I step into that turned my wife, who was hot...
...who had sex with me, who liked to go out with me at night...
...into some earth-mother world-record-setting breast-feeder?
And now you wanna leave your kids...
...with a non-English-speaking nanny for 100 hours a week...
...so you can live out your ER fantasy life? Be my guest.
But it's not my problem that you're not good enough...
...to get hired anywhere in the entire state.
Denny, did you hire that PI yet?
I asked you a question.
My relationship with this firm hangs in the balance.
- Why don't we step into my office... - I'm talking to Denny.
All right, Ernie.
Truth time. My office.
This is not gonna be easy for you to hear...
...but it needs to be said.
I don't give a damn who slept with your wife.
Neither do you really. You don't love her. This is an ego thing.
She's a trophy girl. something for your friends to admire.
- You should be flattered. - I'm not...
I'm talking.
Ego, Ernie.
You acquire fast cars and young wives to try and stay young yourself...
...in the hope of confusing youth with relevance.
Well, here's a flash for you:
We're all desperate to be relevant.
You're 76 years old. You wanna feel you still mean something?
Move to Florida, punch a chad, screw up an election.
Don't go looking for affirmation...
...between the two artificial jugs of a woman who married you for...
Gee, could it be your sense of humor?
Take a swing if you want to, if it makes you feel better.
The guardian ad litem acknowledged in her report...
...in the last year, Mr. Calder took custody one weekend a month.
Mr. Calder has been in a major crisis at his company.
I don't care if he's been dismantling a nuclear weapon.
The fact is, he hasn't been there.
There's no doubt that my client is, in practice, the primary custodian.
This woman is struggling to make a life for a family...
She can't make it in the common world?
The offer comes from New York. My client has made every sacrifice.
That's what parents do, Mr. chase. You have kids, you make sacrifices.
They got married here. They had children here.
Mr. Calder, as fathers go, I consider you a disgrace.
Miss Brant, there is a reason for this policy.
We don't like angry spouses yanking kids across state lines.
It's an undo burden on the family unit.
Accordingly, your plan to relocate with your sons remains enjoined.
- What now? - I don't know.
I guess that didn't go too well.
Thank you, that was...
That was great.
Sarah, that was magnificent.
But the other little girl was quite good too.
And given the discretion that has to be allowed in these situations...
We have something called the Equal protection clause...
...we have the 14th amendment.
I believe it's required reading for judges. I could be wrong.
Could I be heard, Your Honor?
I heard about this matter.
I would like to address this court on what I consider...
I'm sorry, Reverend, but you have no standing here.
I have standing as an American citizen speaking up on a civil-rights violation.
Reverend Sharpton, I will ask you to step down.
You have no standing in this proceeding.
No one is denying this little girl an education, sir.
She just can't play Annie.
You may think this is a small matter. But this is no small matter.
This child is being denied the right to play an American icon...
...because she doesn't match the description.
Those descriptions were crafted 50 years ago.
- We're supposed to be in a different day. - Reverend...
We talk about racial equality. How we're making progress.
The problem with that progress is it's always a day away.
Tomorrow, tomorrow.
You love that because it's always a day away.
I'm here to stick out my chin today. Today!
Give us an African-American spider-Man.
Give us a black that can run faster than a speeding bullet...
...and leap over tall buildings in a single bound.
Not tomorrow, today. Today!
The sun needs to come out today. Not tomorrow, Your Honor.
God almighty, give the American people a black orphan Annie.
It's just not good enough to say, "She doesn't look the part."
that's what we call a rabbit, son.
Denny Crane.
What if we file a TRO in federal court on behalf of the kids?
- On what grounds? - I don't know.
They've been denied a right to interstate travel.
It's dubious.
But I like your thinking.
Come here for a second.
Look.
I just...
I just need to know.
Sally...
Brad.
Alan.
The deadbeat doesn't see his kids, doesn't know them...
...and he's using them as weapons to destroy his ex-wife and them.
And that's why you were so upset? The case?
It's a little hard, okay?
I prefer him in D.C.
Do you think I should start working out? Do calisthenics?
- I'm trying to, like, express... - Do you still like him?
In what context are you asking this?
I mean, are you asking as, like, a boyfriend, or...?
I'm not allowed to ask questions?
Am I? About Tara?
What about Tara?
Nothing.
Anyway, he left. I got very depressed, drank a lot, hit on too many boys.
Until I met this one boy.
Man.
Distinguished.
And now I just...
Okay, how small is the town of Boston?
- What? - The dirtbag is over there.
Bradley?
The ex-husband. Really trying to strengthen that family unit.
- What are you doing? - I need to use your thingy for a second.
Can we get out of here? I don't wanna look at that pig.
Okay.
We're off.
I told him we're all desperate to be relevant.
- Were you able to dissuade him? - I think so.
Denny, do you think you were talking about yourself a little?
You feeling a little desperate to be relevant lately?
Don't waste your time trying to get in my head.
There's nothing there.
They're not going to take the firm.
First, Paul could never get the votes.
Second, he wouldn't want to.
The man loves you.
I'm not worried, Lori. Do I look worried?
Yeah. Look out there.
My domain.
My city.
I'm Denny crane.
Sir, if I could just get your name, I would be happy to buzz Mr. Calder.
You're kind. But I'm already here.
There's a meeting and I've been instructed not to disturb him.
Hello, Matthew. Shame.
Quite hoping to interrupt something tawdry.
I'm Alan Shore. Your colleague and I just met...
...but we share a proclivity for exotic women and illicit behavior.
Can I steal you a second?
- What's going on? - I'll keep it quick.
These are for you. photos. Snapshots, really.
Some delightful business between you and a hooker.
Friend of mine, actually. I earn frequent-flier miles.
She's a lovely woman.
I arranged for her to seek you out at the bar.
I particularly like that one, don't you?
Gives your bottom a nice aura.
Sharon and the kids go to New York or I start printing copies.
Is that powdered sugar, by the way...
...that you're snorting off her porcelain breasts?
You are a lawyer in a prestigious law firm for God's sake.
I know. Awful.
Hate to extort and run, but I'm afraid I'll need an answer on this now.
Tara, I need to apologize.
I know how degrading that had to be with Ernie...
Not at all. In fact, I slept with him last night.
- Anything for the team. - I suppose I deserve that.
This wasn't so much for the team. there's stuff going on...
What stuff?
Denny? I need another moment.
I was thinking how right you are not to hire a private investigator.
I thank you for your counsel.
After all, it's possible that I might learn something...
...that could upset me even further.
I hadn't considered that.
Did you consider that, Denny?
I don't have time to consider all the things I have to.
- May I sit? - Oh, please.
See, the thing is, fool that I am...
...I went out and hired a PI on my own.
And guess what I found out, Denny?
I'm not sure, but you need to know I'm billing you for these questions.
My own lawyer.
My friend.
With my wife.
Gee, Denny Crane is silent.
Talk to me about my quest for relevance, Denny.
Tell me about my ego.
Come up with one last profound thing to say...
...before I pull this trigger.
Come on, Denny. Talk.
I want to hear what the great Denny Crane has to say now.
First off...
...clients come in here all the time wanting to shoot me.
You know what I tell them? "Go ahead."
The worst thing about growing older, Ernie? You begin to slip.
One day you wake up and you're less-than.
And for me, I'm a legend, Ernie.
I'm folklore in this town.
lawyers have feared me for years.
For Denny Crane to slip, it would diminish my legacy.
It would be a tragedy.
Denny Crane has to go out big.
Page one of The Globe. New York Times, even.
Do me a favor, Ernie.
Pull the trigger.
Immortalize the legend. Pull the trigger.
I don't ever want to be less-than. Don't let me become irrelevant.
Pull it!
Okay.
But before I do, don't you at least want to apologize?
I do.
I'm sorry, my friend.
I'm truly sorry.
Ernie, I...
That gun, I bought it for you, remember?
It's a starter pistol, Ernie.
It's a controversy. That's what AI Sharpton does. And he does it well.
He doesn't just make noise. He lights a torch of racial controversy.
- Mr. Shore... - Which you know.
Which is why you're here. We need to put this one out.
Controversy is bad business for musicals.
Your production will open and close faster than you can say "Trent Lott."
I assume you've come with a proposal.
Sarah?
Okay.
We'll offer the role of understudy on weekends.
- Plus three matinees a month. - Done.
Sarah?
He pulled a gun on him?
It only shot blanks, but yeah.
Drama's over.
How does it feel, being back?
It's all right.
Let me ask you a question. I'd appreciate an honest answer.
Okay.
Do you think I talk too fast?
Sometimes you're a little brisk.
It's good business practice, not to mention good ethics.
We charge by the hour. Our clients pay for the time.
We have an obligation not to overbill.
So if I talk fast, it's just because I feel...
ethically bound.
- He makes fun of me. - I'm sorry?
Shore.
He thinks I'm a Ken doll.
No, it's not right. He calls me a Ken doll while he...
Plays with your Barbie?
Excuse me.
- Hi. - Sharon.
I just came to say thank you.
Not that I agree with your tactics...
...but what this means to me and my children.
Well, thank you so much. I will never forget this.
Remember that book...
- ...One Flew Over the cuckoo's Nest? - Yes.
Is there a point, or did you just wanna know?
There you go again. always looking for a point.
Matthew Calder just agreed to let his wife move with their children.
Fantastic.
You got pictures of him. You blackmailed him.
- You make it sound unsavory. - listen to me.
I know how you practice law. I don't practice law like that.
It was a rabbit. Well, really a bunny.
Marines don't like bunnies?
The only reason I don't report you to the bar...
Is because Sharon might not be able to go to New York...
...which, shockingly, is more important than our combined ethical egos.
You know what, sport? You and I...
...now officially have a relationship.
Great. Perhaps we can get together and do a couple of pushups, sport.
Hooker rabbits.
I love it.
You never answered my question the other night.
Which was?
Are you scared?
The only thing to be scared of, son, is tomorrow.
I don't live for tomorrow.
Never saw the fun in it.
Denny Crane.
What was that?
Nothing.
Here's to no tomorrows.
Next on Boston Legal:
You can't let him first chair this deposition.
Would you say you've had more or less sex...
- ...since the time of your husband's...? - This deposition is over.
Ex-girlfriend tried to kill me. This is to secure her release.
She tried to kill you, she was institutionalized...
...now she's out and she's stalking you.
That lawyer is gonna pick you apart in court tomorrow.
Let him try. Denny Crane.
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