When a man turns 40, he begins to take measure of himself.
- I must admit, I don't like what I see. - You're turning 43.
If you don't mind, I'm trying to appear vulnerable...
...to facilitate my snorkeling up your thighbone later.
Alan, you boyfriend, me girlfriend. You have a season's pass.
You're ruining the conquest part, which is all it's really about for me.
Really? Well, how about a little play-acting then?
Only if, this time, I get to be the sheep.
I'm gonna sit over there and pretend to be alone.
Approach me, being the stranger, and conquest me.
- Don't be silly. - No.
I'd like to see how you operate, Mr. Shaw.
- How you doing? - Fine, thank you.
- I'm Joe. - I'm with somebody.
- Who? - Hello.
I'm a complete stranger, and I'm here to pick you up.
Oh, I see, there's two of us. I'll be evens, you be odds.
- You got a problem? - No, actually.
I just saw this fair maiden here talking to a tree trunk...
...and since I'm an arborist, I thought I could help translate.
Here's a health tip.
- Walk away. - Why would I do that?
- All right, guys. - Don't be deceived...
...by my cushy appearance.
- Excuse me, I actually am with him. - I don't care.
Walk away or I lay you out.
I don't mean to be a stickler, but isn't the object to lay her out?
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, I was reaching for my wallet.
I see. Allow me to reach for mine.
- Are you all right? - Fine.
Hello, big people. Sorry to intrude, but you seem rather strapping.
Here's 300 dollars. Would you be so kind as to go hit that man down there?
- Really? - Alan.
There's an extra hundred if he goes down.
- Yeah. - You're on.
- Make it a good one. - Oh, for God's sakes.
Here's a hundred, go help your friend.
Gee, it seems Joe has buddies. One for you.
- One for you. - Thanks, man.
I got plenty of them.
Hit them hard, now. For you and for you.
You don't think the evening was slightly symptomatic of something?
You take me to a college frat bar and you start a fight.
- I did not start it. - You certainly did start it.
Alan, wonderful news. The Kerwin deposition has been canceled.
You don't have to go. Your morning is now free, which works out...
...because it seems these two police officers are here to arrest you.
- Are you Alan Shore? - My, aren't you clever.
I bet you make detective one day. Was my calling him Alan a clue?
Please place your hands behind your back.
- Why? - Sir, please.
You're under arrest for conspiracy to commit assault and battery.
- You have the right to remain silent. - You have it all memorized.
Aren't you the spiffy-jiffy. And a sharp dresser.
You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney...
Not to worry, dear, I'll cancel the rest of your day.
And in an unprecedented, if not bizarre, move...
...the selectmen of Summers Port, Massachusetts...
...a small south shore town, population 18,000...
...voted 6-2 yesterday to ban red meat.
As of midnight, it is now illegal to serve or sell beef within the township.
Mayor George Bostwick calling the law a health and safety regulation.
Health and safety.
Did they not call a town meeting to discuss this?
Well, they did, and nobody really took it that seriously.
But the mayor controls the selectmen.
And this is exactly the publicity he's hoping to buy.
In the meantime, my steak house is out of business.
- How can you ban red meat? - Well, they got a whole campaign.
They plan to promote Summers Port as the seafood capital of the world.
We're carnivores. When the Pilgrims landed...
...the first thing they did was eat a few Indians.
- Is there anything we can do? - We'll get an immediate TRO.
I'll argue it myself. Ban red meat. That cannot pass constitutional mustard.
The word is "muster, " Denny...
...but you're right, the law lacks condiments.
Let's mark up a motion and get going, and let's do it in Suffolk.
Contact the owners of the other restaurants and have them join us.
Three-two-seven-four-four, Commonwealth v. Alan Shore.
Conspiracy to commit battery.
Tara Wilson for the defendant. I don't think there will be any question of bail.
- What have we got here? - He paid some guys to assault a guy.
He insulted my honor. I was required by canons of barroom conduct to respond.
I enlisted unsuspecting warriors who had no idea what I was getting them into.
- Was anybody hurt? - Cuts and bruises.
There was some damage to the bar.
My suggestion is we admit to facts, you continue it without a finding...
...my client makes full restitution to the bar.
- That's not gonna fly. - It was self-defense. Mr. Shore was hit.
The fact that he hired others to do the hitting back doesn't...
If you want a not guilty, you need a trial.
- We could do it today. - You're ready to proceed now?
I'll stipulate to all the facts in the report.
Though I must take issue with some of the spelling.
If he stips to the facts, I could be ready tomorrow.
Jury trial. I can provide the court with a list of my peers.
I leave for Aspen on Wednesday, so we will complete this in one day.
Ten o'clock tomorrow. The defendant is released on personal recognizance.
Mr. Shore...
...it would be a big mistake to come in here thinking this is funny.
You mean it's not funny?
You cannot just ban red meat.
Any municipality can pass reasonable health regulations.
Let's just pause on that word "reasonable."
Many towns forbid the sale of alcohol.
There is an enormous difference between...
Hold on one second, Miss Schmidt.
We allow counsel to finish their thoughts. We do not...
If I could interrupt. The author of this particular and preposterous legislation...
...happens to be politically ambitious and a glutton for publicity...
...which this new law happens to be generating.
Red meat poses legitimate health concerns.
So do overzealous elected officials. We don't ban them. If only we could.
I shall do the interrupting. I pride myself on being a conscientious fact-finder.
Oh, brother.
Mr. Crane, did you say something?
It's a stupid law, overturn it. Be a man.
Mr. Crane was trying to be helpful. Apparently he did not succeed.
What is the reason for your client banning the sale of red meat?
Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy.
- Mad cow disease? - We are fearful of an outbreak.
- In Summers Port? - Everywhere.
- That's ridiculous. - Very well.
We shall hold an evidentiary hearing. First, I shall hear from the mayor.
Then, Miss Schmidt, if you so desire, I shall listen to your client.
- Until then, we are adjourned. - Put on a dress.
Two o'clock.
- What are you doing? - I know this judge.
I know where his buttons are.
Research shows, Denny, it's not wise to antagonize the people...
...whose favor you're trying to court.
Oh, come on, Shirley. You still antagonize me...
...and we both know what's really going on, don't we?
You sweet man.
It's been a long time since you hit my button.
I doubt you'd even know where to find it.
Just a matter of time, Shirley. Just a matter of time.
This doesn't involve you, man, it's sexual.
I thought you said the judge would strike the law down.
It just got a little tougher, Dominic. They played the mad-cow card.
Sometimes a mayor has to do what's right, even if it isn't popular.
Red meat presents risks, which I, as the guardian of my constituency...
...am unwilling to assume.
Legislation is capricious on its face. That'll be our only comment at this time.
Pop goes the weasel. How are you? Denny Crane.
Still cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
Who's your daddy? Denny crane. Pop goes the weasel.
Simply put, I don't think we can guarantee the safety of beef.
- Why not? - Well, for starters...
...we just lifted the ban on Canadian cattle...
...where mad cow disease was just found again.
The percentage of mad cow in Canada is statistically...
But why take chances? Consider this disease.
It's incurable, it rots the brain...
...it's invariably fatal and it's a painful death.
But our government has assured us there's absolutely no danger in this.
Our government is pro-beef, are you kidding?
In the last five years...
...the agriculture business has donated 140 million dollars...
...to congressional and presidential candidates.
Fast-food chains, the cattlemen's Beef Association...
...they've all given big bucks.
But the Department of Agriculture says...
Oh, please. The USDA's in the meat industry's back pocket.
- What evidence do you have? - You want evidence?
How about the last Secretary of Agriculture...
...appointed meat industry advocates to top jobs at the USDA.
How about the secretary's former chief of staff...
...used to be the chief lobbyist for the National cattlemen's Beef Association.
- The USDA has been bought. - Pretty strong words, Mr. Bostwick.
- Oprah got sued for saying less. - What does that tell you?
The meat industry sues a talk-show host...
...for putting down a burger? Free speech doesn't apply to beef?
Well, certainly the USDA has an interest in making meat safe.
But they have a double mandate, Your Honor.
And while one may be to keep beef safe, the other, the bigger one...
...is to promote the sale of American meat.
You think there's a real interest in this country in rooting out mad cow disease?
- It's don't ask, don't tell. - Objection.
This past April, a cow stumbled and fell in Texas.
The vets suspected a central nervous system disorder.
That animal should have been tested. It wasn't.
It was quickly slaughtered and put into pig feed. Why?
Because God forbid we discover mad cow disease.
It'd cost billions and billions of dollars. Well, I'm not gonna wait.
And if that gets me sued, so be it.
How many people in this country have been afflicted...
...with the human strain of mad cow disease?
- I don't plan... - To wait, yes. How many?
- We don't know. - There have been no confirmed cases.
According to some scientists, many people we think have Alzheimer's...
...could, in fact, be sick from mad cow.
- Are you a scientist? - No.
Before you became mayor, what was your occupation?
- I owned auto dealerships. - You were a car salesman.
Given that three million people...
...are killed or injured on our roads every year...
...do you also plan to ban automobiles?
- No. - What about salmonella?
- Plan to criminalize chickens? - People don't die from chickens...
- What about mercury in fish? - It's a concern.
But again, I made a judgment as mayor...
...and the selectmen concurred that the dangers of beef...
Have you any personal political ambitions...
...beyond that of being mayor of Summers Port?
- I'm not trying to get headlines. - I didn't say that, but funny you did.
Have you got anything?
You would agree, Mr. Mayor, that by and large, vegetarians are communists?
- I certainly would not. - We're at war, Mr. Bostwick.
You think we can win that war if we say to our soldiers, "No more meat"?
You think fish eaters can protect the world, you wimp?
- Objection. - Withdrawn. Nothing further.
- "Wimp"? - What the hell are you doing?
Don't bother with the merits, Shirley. This case, it's all about the judge.
- You asked to see us. - Sit.
Not to worry, this is standard. He purposely doesn't look up.
It's a technique taught in the '40s for establishing dominion.
You were involved in a bar altercation last night.
Altercation? I think not. It was a brawl.
- And you were arrested. - I was. Trial starts tomorrow, actually.
Can I count on you as a character witness?
Who's defending you?
I'm representing myself, with Tara's assistance.
There's no opportunity to plead this out?
Only if I plead guilty, which is unacceptable.
I have to worry about a three-strikes law...
...since I plan to commit future crimes.
I don't know what kind of career death wish you have, Mr. Shore.
But if you're convicted, if you get time, your employment will be terminated.
That may be of little consequence to you...
If I had a nickel for every time you've threatened to fire me...
...I could simply retire.
Alan, cut it out.
It is not my habit to lecture...
...but what you did last night was selfish.
We have a reputation here at Crane, Poole & Schmidt.
The attorneys here take great pride in that reputation.
It undermines everyone at Crane, Poole & Schmidt...
...when a lawyer here is criminally prosecuted.
Your actions hurt people.
All of us must now tender explanations...
...to our friends, our colleagues...
...to safeguard and repair the reputation of Crane, Poole & Schmidt.
Stop it!
I've had it.
Do you hear me? I have had it.
Get out, both of you.
- Personally, I would never eat meat. - Why, doctor?
We don't have the means to keep track of what cattle are being fed...
...nor are we adequately testing them.
I object to paranoia being offered as evidence.
I'm sorry, but it's absolutely reckless...
...for a government to be telling us we're safe...
...when the scientific community can't detect all the ways...
...this disease can be contracted or transmitted.
But let's look at statistics.
Nobody in this country seems to be getting sick from mad cows.
Judge, we just can't know that.
The disease may have an incubation period of up to 40 years.
You may be infected right now.
My point is nobody now seems to be demonstrating symptoms.
We don't know that for sure either.
The human strain of the mad cow disease...
...is called Creutzfeldt-Jakob. We call it CJD.
But you can also get CJD sporadically with no link to infected meat.
And some of the people we've diagnosed with Alzheimer's...
...might, in fact, have CJD.
We don't know how many cases there really are.
You cannot tell me the government has all this figured out.
- The government covers this up? - It's probably not so much a cover-up.
We're not terribly motivated to discover the problem.
The economic consequences would be too severe.
The beef industry would risk an outbreak of mad cow disease.
That wouldn't bankrupt them?
The beef industry can't always tell when a cow is sick.
They are desperate to believe that isolated cases are isolated cases.
And the Department of Agriculture just plays along?
The month after that sick cow was found in Washington State...
...mad cow testing dropped almost 50 percent. That's outrageous.
- It eventually went up. - They tried to track the herd...
...where that Washington cow came from.
They couldn't find 53 of the 80 cows.
They've since admitted their cattle track-back system isn't running...
...and it would have to be done on a voluntary basis.
"V oluntary. " Please.
What meatpacking plant wants the distinction of having a mad cow?
Which is why I order the fish.
Denny. I'm getting my ass kicked here.
- I can see that. - Any suggestions?
- How old are you, sir? - Forty-six.
I'm 72, I could mop the floor with you. You know why?
I eat meat. Makes me strong, builds my immune system.
Fights a whole bunch of other diseases I might have had if I weren't so strong.
Red meat saves lives, maybe. You ever think about that?
I'm sorry, but there's no real evidence to support that opinion.
Oh, sorry. Any hard evidence to support yours?
Hard evidence, no.
But I don't think we really wanna wait for that evidence to come rushing in.
I had him there, right to the end.
He basically offered us a hundred dollars to fight.
- You took the money? - Yes.
- And you fought? - Yes.
Thank you, sir.
We agree to stipulate to the facts and the prosecution sees fit to distort them.
- Objection. - Mr. Edwards, I didn't say:
"Here's a hundred dollars, go fight," did I?
Did I ask your friend Mike to avenge an assault committed against me?
- Yes. - And then when Mike was attacked...
...I enlisted you and others to go to his aid, did I not?
- Yes. - And the man who first assaulted me...
...had many colleagues who joined?
- Yes. - Joe's friends turned it into a brawl...
- ...wouldn't you say? - Yes.
And as a friend of Mike's, is it your testimony...
...you would not have gone to his aid had I not offered you money?
No, I would have probably jumped in anyway at that point.
Well, given your honest testimony...
...which has shed blinding light on what happened...
...would you consider yourself a witness for the prosecution...
...or the defense?
- I guess defense. - Thank you, Mr. Edwards.
You deserve another hundred.
- We're going to lose? - It hasn't gone well.
- Surely you've noticed. - My grandfather started this steak house.
How can...? I just can't believe it.
It isn't over yet, we still have summations, but...
I'm gonna tell you this one more time.
Play the judge.
The man lives with his mother. He wears lifts.
The buzzword is "nansy-pansy."
- I beg your pardon? - Nansy-pansy.
He doesn't want to fall on that side of the fence.
It's even worse than namby-pamby.
- What are you talking about? - Trust me, Shirley.
For once, can you do that?
Nansy-pansy.
I was thinking perhaps I should close.
Don't be ridiculous.
- I'm sorry? - No offense, Tara.
- Since I handled the witness, the jury... - Did you see the faces on the jury?
They weren't impressed. They found you smug.
You were perhaps too self-satisfied to notice.
Are we at a certain point in our cycle, Tara?
I apologize.
Do you?
That's a first.
Say what you must.
I was embarrassed by what happened at the bar.
Not to mention terrified. I could have been injured. Did that ever occur to you?
It would've been one thing had you had a Neanderthal reaction and swung back.
But your response was considered.
You reflectively, calmly, orchestrated your violence.
People could've been hurt.
I could've been hurt.
You've not once considered that.
Contrary to the rumor that you are the center of the universe...
...clearly, you are the universe.
And I, for one, am getting sick of it.
Alan Shore's a good lawyer, Paul.
If we fire him, it does leave a hole.
I am certainly mindful of that. But how far do we let him push us?
He has done this at every firm he has worked for.
He defies them to the point... His last firm sued him.
Yes. And he went on. They didn't.
Schmidt, called?
Chelina, I called you three hours ago. Where have you been?
Patriots parade.
The Patriots parade was last week.
Three Super Bowls, four years.
I'm still on parade.
You worked on that Yenetti Meat Packing case last year, didn't you?
- Yes. - What do you know...
...about that cow in Washington state?
I'm about to suffer an embarrassing defeat in court.
I need to show that Washington was an isolated...
- What? - Don't go near the Washington case.
It's possible it wasn't even a downer cow.
What do you mean, "downer cow"?
Basically, it means the cow fell down.
We're told that mad cows are easy to spot...
...because they stumble and fall.
We were told that this cow fell.
But eyewitnesses in Washington say the cow was walking...
...and was tested only as a fluke.
- Which means...? - While we're being told...
...that the sick cows show easily detectable symptoms...
They sometimes don't, and therefore go undetected.
Stay away from the Washington case.
Thank you, Chelina.
Pardon the expression, but I'm dead meat.
You really think you're going to lose?
I'm tempted to employ Denny's strategy.
Which is...?
Nansy-pansy.
I know he instigated the brawl.
The charge is conspiracy to commit aggravated assault.
Talking about me, Brad?
Yeah. We're just trying to imagine you as an instigator.
What's that supposed to mean?
Sorry. Forget it.
Let's not forget. How about you say what you have to say?
Is it too monumental an effort, completing whole sentences?
- Come on. - You want to talk about me...
...you should position yourself behind my back.
- Isn't that the rule of the game? - I don't talk about you.
You're not that interesting.
I'm tired of this. Got that?
I don't know what's going on with you, but...
...you're certainly smart enough to realize I could probably...
...dismember you in about the time...
- Then do it. - Cut it out!
- What the hell is going on? - Careful.
I wouldn't want you to get hurt. Listen to me, talking...
...as if I weren't the only one in the universe. When will I learn?
No. When will we learn?
That you are always right.
That it makes sense to start a barroom brawl.
That it's perfectly reasonable to get into a shoving match at the office.
Nothing could be going on with you.
When will we learn?
Get help.
We had an expression in this country, years ago, called, "Where's the beef?"
Translation: "Where's the substance?"
Your Honor, do you know anybody...
...who's been victimized by mad cow disease?
Know anybody who knows anybody?
Know anybody who knows anybody who knows anybody?
There's simply not a shred of evidence to suggest...
...that a single person in this country has ever become ill from a mad cow.
But why wait? That's the mayor's jingle.
Why wait?
Because this man and others like him...
...have sacrificed their lives and their livelihoods...
...building their restaurants.
Maybe, as a courtesy...
...we could wait for a scintilla of evidence...
...before arbitrarily destroying their businesses.
The fact is, the USDA has done an exemplary job conducting tests...
...establishing safeguards to prevent the outbreak of mad cow disease...
...which is why it hasn't broken out.
Well, we could give in to our fear and panic...
Baseless panic.
...but that would make us...
...a nation of nansy-pansies.
I don't know about you, but...
...I don't want to be a nansy-pansy.
Towns make rules all the time. Lots of them.
Zone fast food restaurants out of business.
Through permits, they can control how you build your house.
Some towns ban alcohol, cigarettes. Others have curfews.
We do all kinds of things.
The only legal requirement is that the laws are reasonable.
It is not unreasonable to fear an outbreak of mad cow disease.
We've had a case in Washington state, another last month in Canada.
We've just lifted the ban on Canadian beef.
The incubation period for this disease could be decades.
We have no guarantee that we're not already infected.
It is simply reckless...
...for the government to inject certainty when the scientific community cannot.
And forget mad cow. We already know that eating beef...
...can cause high cholesterol, heart disease.
It increases the risk of colon cancer.
There's listeria and E. Coli, which has already killed people.
Dioxin, the poison that almost killed the Ukranian president...
...that stuff is on our grazing grass.
Scientists say the average American...
...has about 10 units of dioxin in their blood fat...
...simply from eating animal fat.
There are all kinds of reasonable justifications...
...for a mayor to try to reduce red meat from the diet of his citizenry.
And let me remind you...
...there is nothing...
...nothing in the Constitution...
...that guarantees anybody the right to sell a hamburger.
Nansy-pansy.
This wasn't self-defense.
Mr. Shore was not under any physical threat...
...when he paid the first man to fight.
This was vengeance for hire.
And once that violence began, he started paying others to escalate it.
These facts are not in dispute.
The only real question for you here is:
Is Mr. Shore above the law...
...or not?
I've been accused of reflectively...
...perhaps even glibly...
...orchestrating a little revenge.
Well, I guess that's how I wanted it to look.
A man punched me in the face...
...in front of my girlfriend.
And while my instinct was to hit him back...
...the truth is, I was afraid.
I was fearful that if I retaliated...
...he would...
...beat me up.
So I got somebody else to do my fighting.
Then things got out of hand.
And...
...well...
...I had to send more and more troops...
...to a war that should've ended quickly.
But make no mistake...
...my reaction that night...
...was not so much reflective...
...as it was...
...primal.
A man hit me.
And while we like to think of ourselves...
...as being evolved...
...maybe I should've just hit him.
There's a warrior that lies within the belly of every man.
A warrior who, in my case, has always gone unsatisfied.
I tried to satisfy it, but without pain.
That's what the craven do sometimes.
They stand out of the fray...
...thump their egos along with their chests...
...and let others do the fighting.
Thank you all for staying late.
I did some research of my own.
As you may know, I pride myself on being a conscientious fact-finder.
Here we go.
No nansy-pansy.
Mad cow disease is here.
For all the guarantees supplied by government...
...the scientific community doesn't back them up.
We all have a right to be concerned.
The governmental agencies in place to protect us...
...seem to be controlled by the industries we need protection from.
This mad cow disease started out in Europe and worked its way over here.
And it is true the scientists are at odds with our government.
But as a trier of fact, a judge must rely on facts.
And there is no evidence of an epidemic.
If a judge were to allow himself to be governed by fear alone...
...well, then it is true, and I agree, it would make him a...
A nansy-pansy.
This judge is anything but.
I find the law banning the sale of red meat...
...to be premature, if not capricious, and it is hereby overturned.
Way to go, judge.
Case adjourned.
- Anybody up for a burger? - Thank you. Thank you.
Thank God.
Well, Denny, I admit I had my doubts.
But you won this case. Thank you.
Does this mean we're having sex tonight?
Allow me the dream a little longer.
I won the day.
I deserve to be rewarded.
I'll give you this.
Denny.
Denny. Denny...
...Crane.
I must be acquitted. She's not smiling.
Madam foreperson, you've reached a unanimous verdict?
- We have, Your Honor. - What say you?
Commonwealth v. Alan Shore...
...on the count of conspiracy to commit aggravated assault.
We find the defendant, Alan Shore, not guilty.
We appeal, judge.
Members of the jury, this completes your service. You can go.
Mr. Shore.
This probably doesn't have to be goodbye so much as...
...until we meet again.
Yes, Your Honor.
She's attracted to me.
No doubt.
Tara...
...I am sorry.
I never meant to put you in any danger.
I know.
When you...
...launched into that diatribe about me being the...
The universe.
You said you were sick of it.
Are you sick of me?
Are you sick of me, Tara?
No.
As much as I...
...loathe sentiment, together with its expression...
...I cherish you.
You should just know...
...you really, really smell good.
You smell good too.
How did you do?
Jury was out 15 minutes. Not guilty.
I think they took pity on me.
Congratulations.
I hear you won.
Everything okay?
I don't have Alzheimer's.
I have mad cow disease.
Well, it's nice to finally know.
Ever beat up anybody with your bare hands?
Many times.
Why?
Just asking.
Have you?
No.
Well.
Makes you a better man than I, I guess.
Guess so.
Next on Boston Legal:
You so often refer to lawyers as unprincipled, soulless whores.
Well, for the next few days, I need you to be my whore.
- The little man. He's here. - Alan.
Good gracious. Who have you killed?
Donny Crane. You remember me.
- We used to be father and son. - You got on this case because I'm on it.
- I did. - You want to get me.
- I do. - I love it.
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