Previously on Boston Legal.
This was assigned to us by the court. Indigent client.
Old lawyer jumped in front of a bus. Now he needs a new one.
- I hired another associate. - Hello, Alan. Still looking well.
- We can't do this. - Never.
You and I should not be doing a case together.
What are you doing in my law firm? It's not your firm, Denny.
- I'm a senior partner. - We had a deal, Sack.
I stay out of New York. You steer clear of Boston.
- Shirley's involved. - Shirley and Carl Sack?
- I'd put money on it. - I'd shoot him.
Hello!
Hello. Hello.
My name is Abigail Holt. My friends and family call me Abby.
- That's a lovely name. - Thank you.
How did you get here? I walked in.
I need to hire a lawyer. I'd like to sue my high school.
Ah.
And what would you like to sue your high school for?
They teach abstinence only.
It's their fault, at least partly, that I got caught so, uh,
unprepared.
Unprepared?
How old are you? I'm 15.
And by "unprepared," I'm assuming you mean...
you had unprotected sex.
- Yes. - Are you pregnant?
I ask only because if you do plan to take care of it,
you should know abortion is only legal in this country...
until our current Supreme Court reaches its third trimester.
I didn't get pregnant, Mr. Shore.
I see.
Well, in a lawsuit, one must show damages, Abby.
Do you have damages?
I'm H.I.V. positive.
First up, the court in either its infinite wisdom or zeal...
to suck the private sector into community service,
has assigned us yet another high-profile criminal case.
- Do I have any takers? - Denny Crane, giver.
Atta boy, Denny. The client is charged with cockfighting.
His rooster evidently took the life of another. Moving on.
No can do.
- Why don't you do it? - Me?
Carl?
My problem is... I like chickens.
- Do you now? - I find them sweet.
And the idea of putting a poultry killer back on the street--
- Assuming you'd win. - But I would.
- Your defense? - No idea.
- You think I'm stupid? - Much longer discussion.
You want me to take this case to ruin my perfect record.
- You seek to blemish me. - Are you saying you can't win it, Denny?
- I know you can't. - All right.
You're probably right. I'm not much good...
- unless there's money on it. - Oh, no, no!
- How much? - 50,000.
- Why not make it a hundred? - We could make it two.
- Two it is. - Hey! First of all,
wagering on the outcome of a case is grounds for disbarment.
- Both of you should be taken behind the barn and spanked. - Me first.
And what kind of message does this send our younger associates?
- Betting $200,000 on the out-- - Come on. We don't pay our associates that much money.
200,000 it is.
It's a bet.
What?
** [ Funk ] ** [ Man Vocalizing ]
[ Man ] * Uh-huh
* All right
* Come on
All right *
* Well, yeah
* Outlaw *
I brought you in for some maturity. Big mistake.
If so, I'll correct it. The last thing I need around here is another child.
- Are you pregnant, Shirley? - Shut up, Alan!
- Well, now I'm aroused. - Me too.
You need to go meet with your client. What about me?
- I have ears. - Cute ones, actually.
All the better to nibble on, I suppose.
Lorraine, don't think for a second...
that my attraction to you...
or my innate lack of professionalism means I can't keep my hands off you.
Quite the contrary. Hmm.
I think I've tapped into a deep reservoir...
of control and discipline...
that allows for really any proximity.
See? Nothing.
Nothing.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Gasps ] Oh, dear! Oh, oh, oh!
Oh! Uh-- I beg your pardon.
Yeah.
Do you know where I might find Katie Lloyd?
Uh-- Um--
[ Speaking Spanish ]
Is he speaking-- That's not English, is it?
My guess would be Spanish. That's great.
You put your chicken killer on the stand, let him explain...
what happened in his foreign language, jury's gonna love that.
- Mr. Obispo? - [ Spanish Continues ]
Mr. Obispo!
- Do you speak any English? - SÃ­. SÃ­.
[ Spanish Resumes ]
Maybe he knows "A-rab." Get him to speak a little "A-rab," Carl.
- That'll work. - [ Spanish Continues ]
- Excuse me? Miss Lloyd? - Yes?
I'm Deena Rice. Hello.
This is Jerry Espenson. Hello.
- Hello. - Yes, I've seen you both on television.
I followed the Joseph Washington trial.
My husband used to be involved in the case.
Oh, really? What--
Rice? Matthew Rice?
My husband represented Joseph Washington up until he threw himself in front of a bus.
I'm so sorry, Mrs. Rice. Thank you.
You two must be extraordinary attorneys.
He spoke often of Joseph Washington.
He made it sound like a rather impossible defense.
I have a rather improbable case of my own.
-I was wondering whether you might consider representing me. -What kind of a case is it?
I'd like to sue the psychologist that treated my husband prior to his suicide.
Of course, you're not thinking of bringing such a case. She's a minor. I give you no--
- Dad. - Listen to me, young lady.
You have no legitimate cause of action.
Not to mention the fact that this kind of thing would get media attention.
Now do you really want to be known as the H.I.V. girl?
I want to be known as a person who will stand up for my rights.
Your rights? Honey, you're the one who decided to have sex.
- It's your responsibility-- - Which I take. But the school should also--
Let's just go home, honey. We can talk about it-- I can get emancipated.
And I can bring this case without you.
- No, you cannot. - Well, actually she can.
- What kind of lawyer are you? - The troubled, yet fun kind.
Abby, your father's right about this.
Plus, if you bring such a lawsuit, a great deal of the focus and media attention...
will be on the fact that you have H.I.V.
Along with millions of other people. I don't consider it much of a stigma.
I know. I probably won't win.
But somebody has gotta make some noise about this.
- Mr. and Mrs. Holt-- - This is ridiculous!
It's possible in years to come your daughter would regret bringing this lawsuit.
My sense is, knowing her for all of 20 minutes,
she'd regret not bringing it considerably more.
If you sabotage this case in any way, the bet is off.
- I would never. - Denny.
I'm a neutral observer, like Switzerland, only with a bigger penis.
I'm just gonna sit back, relax and enjoy. Promise you.
Mind if I smoke?
Oh! The probation report came back.
Seems your client has a record.
He stole a car last year. Awful.
He began seeing Dr. Farrell right after his father died.
Matthew and his dad were extremely close.
And he found himself completely devastated by his death.
How long was he treated? Six months with some success at first.
But then he regressed into a profound despair.
So much so that I'm convinced the therapy did damage.
Did Dr. Farrell prescribe any medication for your husband?
No. It was all psychotherapy. Just talking.
But Matthew suddenly began to have "recovered memories," they call it.
Childhood abuse, sexual abuse.
He couldn't handle it.
Well, one might argue that the memories caused the depression, not the treatment.
But he wouldn't have had the memories if he hadn't had the treatment.
We all assume that the unearthing of feelings is a good thing.
But many times, it's not. I mean, Matthew's repressed memories weren't hurting him.
He was happy. He was successful.
But once his doctor dug them out,
they killed him.
Denny, ready?
You can't dress him up like that. Why not?
Because that's not how he looks.
You're committing fraud on the court making them think that's how he looks.
Denny, we dress up clients all the time. It's not fair.
Get in. You're cheating.
Alan! I'm assigning Lorraine to second chair you...
in your case against the school board. What?
Why?
This is an issue which touches on significant women's rights.
I think it makes sense to have a woman on board. Her?
- Is there a problem? - No, no, no, no. No. Not at all.
This is a threshold case, Alan. It's likely to get a little media play.
I'd just like to have a woman's face on it. Oh, I couldn't agree more.
So, no problem then?
Absolutely not. Good.
[ Elevator Bell Dings ]
After you?
I'll take the stairs.
When I first arrived on the scene, there was just blood all over. It was disgusting.
What was the source of the blood, Officer?
A dead chicken viciously pecked to death by a killer cock.
His.
- What happened next, Officer? - We ascertained...
that the cockfighting rooster belonged to the defendant.
I placed him under arrest, advised him of his rights in both English and Spanish,
rescued the surviving chicken from his control...
and took the suspect into custody.
Officer, you referred to the demise of the losing chicken.
I believe the word you used was "vicious."
That's correct. Vicious, blood everywhere.
Would you consider it more or less vicious than say scalding it with hot water...
so its feathers will fall out and then slitting its throat?
- Objection. - This won't be a referendum on slaughterhouses, counsel.
Officer, did you have an opportunity to observe...
the demeanor of my client's rooster?
- Its demeanor? - Yes. Did he seem happy?
- Counsel? - I ask this, Your Honor,
because many experts in animal behavior have opined...
that cockfighting can actually be quite gratifying to the feathered combatants.
This witness is no expert in animal behavior. She's a police officer.
Officer, you testified...
that you "rescued" my client's rooster from his control.
Yes. What did you do with him?
It was put to sleep.
So when you say "rescued," you use the term rather loosely?
[ Abby ] One night I was over at Jason's house.
He's my boyfriend.
Uh, his parents were away.
And things got out of control, I guess.
- You and Jason made love? - Yes.
- [ Alan ] How old are you, Abby? - I'm 15.
- Outrageous! - I think His Honor means...
fifteen is a little young to be having sex.
- He's yet to have it. - That's not true! Just continue.
Uh-- [ Clears Throat ]
Things, like I said, they got out of control after that.
And neither of you took precautions?
No. We didn't have condoms and--
It was really stupid.
It turns out he was H.I.V. positive.
And... now I am.
[ Alan ] Did either of you ever think about carrying a condom...
just in case things ever got out of control?
No. We were taught abstinence.
They basically drilled it into us that condoms don't work.
What did your school teach you about other forms of birth control?
[ Abby ] We were taught abstinence, pure and simple.
No alternatives.
Young lady, am I to understand that it's the school's fault you have H.I.V.?
It's partially mine, Your Honor.
But when a school preaches to its students that condoms are ineffective,
you make it less likely that the students will actually carry them.
I-I don't think I'm out of line...
to suggest that the school should accept a-a trickle of blame here.
This isn't exactly on point, but there's evidence psychotherapy...
for identity disorders can be harmful.
Some "hidden identities," as they're called, have been brought out through hypnosis.
These alter egos cause injurious behavior.
I've got a study that says that four out of 10 people who enter grief therapy...
after losing a loved one are worse off after treatment.
- Four in 10. - I think that might occasion a duty to warn.
What do we know about this doctor?
Impeccable credentials. I suspect he'd like it to stay that way.
My suggestion is we draft a complaint, don't file it,
set up a meeting with the doctor, and effect a quiet settlement.
- Brilliant. - [ High-pitched ] Brilliant!
I'm sorry. Sometimes I--
I understand.
I like practicing law with you, Katie.
Thank you, Jerry. That's very sweet of you to say.
- You're a very sweet man. - [ Mouth Popping ]
He was good? Sack? Doesn't matter. He can't win.
His client broke the law. The law's the law. The man's guilty.
So, uh,
how's working with Lorraine?
Well, for the most part, I'm fine.
I mean, she's just another lawyer. She carries a briefcase.
She has... a neck,
long tapered legs, and--
Chiclets.
- I beg your pardon? - An old trick my mother taught me.
Chewing Chiclets tempers sexual arousal.
- The gum? - I chewed it all the way through law school.
- It's the only thing that got me through. - Don't be ridiculous.
- Okay, fine. - Fine.
- I don't even need them. - She's just another lawyer.
That's right.
[ Scoffs ] Chiclets.
The more she gets to you, the harder you chew.
[ Man ] Look, I was dead set against the abstinence program myself at first.
As a high school principal for 20 years, I thought it was ludicrous.
- But you employed it. - If we didn't, we'd lose federal funding.
Without that, we can't teach anything.
- So, this was all about the money? - Not just.
I looked at the numbers. Teen pregnancy rates have dropped...
since the abstinence program has been in effect.
In some states, almost by half.
I had to pay attention to that.
The studies I read attribute the decline of teen pregnancies...
to the increased use of contraception.
Yes, but I can't be sure that the abstinence-only program hasn't been effective as well.
- The numbers don't lie. - Which numbers?
Sexually transmitted disease rates amongst teenagers who pledge abstinence...
are the same as for the teenagers who don't.
Because many don't live up to the pledge.
Statistics also show that abstinence pledgers are less likely to see a doctor...
if they do get an S.T.D., less likely to think they've got it.
Turns out the pledgers are more likely to spread S.T.D.s,
which, funny thing, is exactly what happened to my client here.
Bottom line, teens that abstain from sex don't get S.T.D.s.
Here's a bottom line. Teens who aren't taught sex education,
including contraception, are more likely to die.
Hey, you don't like it, take it up with your congressman. I'm just a high school principal.
You're her principal, Mr. McKay.
Abby didn't go to Congress. She went to school, yours,
where she had an expectation of being taught and cared for.
Might you have at least warned her that her welfare would come second to federal funding?
Ms. Rhodes, Dr. Farrell, my name's Katie Lloyd.
This is my colleague, Jerry Espenson and our client, Deena Rice.
Thank you so much for agreeing to meet on such short notice.
Well, you made it sound rather urgent.
Dr. Farrell treated my client's husband, Matthew Rice, prior to his death by suicide.
Without sounding obnoxiously adversarial,
we believe that Dr. Farrell's treatment of Mr. Rice may have played a role in that tragedy.
What?
We can't be sure without exploring the nature of that treatment.
And, well, given my client's desire to avoid litigation,
which perhaps might coincide with Dr. Farrell's wishes as well,
we thought maybe we could work this out quickly and quietly.
Look, first of all, I don't like the extortive overtones...
that occasioned this meeting even to take place.
Second, your inexperience aside, Miss Lloyd,
you should know better than to threaten either me or my client.
This doctor is one of the most respected,
if not the most respected and admired member of his profession.
The doctor may have done nothing wrong, but we can't know unless we know what was done.
So why don't you ask instead of waving civil complaints in my face?
Assuming he'd rightly assert doctor/patient privilege,
we have no means of discovery without a proper lawsuit,
which once again, we felt both parties would want to avoid.
I can give you several studies which show psychotherapy may be harmful,
especially when it comes to grief therapy for people losing loved ones.
If you'd look at the data, you'll see talk therapy can, in many cases, prolong suffering.
I am aware of those studies. I happen to disagree with them.
Which is certainly your right. But it would be the patient's right to be warned.
I believe you call it "informed consent." Did you tell Mr. Rice...
that psychotherapy could be dangerous to his mental health?
We're done. Bye-bye.
They'll be back. They will? How can you tell?
They don't want to risk a trial here.
They'll be back.
Your Honor, Mr. Obispo understands English. But since he can't speak it,
I would like, with the court's permission, to use an interpreter.
- I have brought one with me. - Fine.
Thank you. Sister?
Buenos dÃ­as, hermana.
Now, Miguel, would you first tell the jury what interests you about cockfighting?
- [ Spanish ] - [ Translating ] It's part of our Mexican culture.
As little children, we're raised to revere the noble cockfighting rooster.
One of the reasons I came to America, the greatest country in the world,
[ Spanish Continues ] was because of its tolerance.
Its willingness to embrace cultures of other lands.
- God bless America. - Okay, sir.
But to many Americans, it seems cruel to treat chickens this way.
[ Spanish ]
The fighters love the competition.
Mexicans, like Americans, honor the warriors.
Like the troops fighting over in Iraq.
- God bless the troops. - [ Carl ] Okay, um--
Would you tell us about your rooster in particular?
- [ Spanish Continues ] - His name was Ronald.
I named him after Ronald Reagan, my hero.
Ronald was like family. And they killed him.
- [ Spanish Continues ] - The police gave him a lethal injection.
- [ Spanish ] Ronald Reagan! - They murdered Ronald Reagan!
[ Carl ] Okay, so you say that he was like family.
And yet you made him fight, possibly to the death.
No, no, no, no, no, no. [ Spanish ]
No, no, no, no, no. I don't believe he would ever have died fighting.
- He was a champion cock. - [ Spanish Continues ]
It would bring me such joy to hold him.
To hold that beautiful warrior cock in my own two hands.
God forgive me.
The old interpreting nun trick. He got it from me.
- Denny, $200,000 is a lot of money. - [ Scoffs ]
- Okay. - [ Knocking ]
Alan, I was wondering if we could have a word in private?
It's quite urgent.
Oh, balls. Why does everybody want to excuse me from the conversation?
It's not like I'll remember it. Mad cow for God sakes.
[ Grunts ]
What's up? Well,
I find Katie Lloyd to be...
very, very sweet.
That's great. So do I.
Oh! You're sweet on Katie?
And I'm not sure--
Well, I think she might be sweet on me.
But I just know if I tried to say anything romantically inclined,
it won't come out right.
I'll purr. And--
Well, Jerry, office romances are very complicated.
I'd even say treacherous. That's a bit of a bubble buster.
No, no. It's not that they can't work out,
or that they should never be pursued.
But-- But I find Lorraine to be...
very sweet.
But one needs to proceed with caution.
Even when the heart knows? Especially then!
The heart can be a real bastard.
You don't think she could be sweet on me. I didn't say that.
Yes, you did. You're saying, "Be cautious, Jerry. She probably won't go for you."
I did not. Did too!
Did not!
[ Grunts ]
You've sought out the worst possible counsel...
on the topic of romance or love,
which I don't understand and have never understood.
- Why do you say that? - Jerry, I just spent six months with Gloria.
On paper, I should be--
[ Sighs ] somewhat broken up over the breakup.
And I've barely given her a thought the last week.
I seem to be missing some kind of a...
love gene.
Look, if it feels right with Katie, perhaps you should trust that feeling.
- But just proceed with caution because-- - The heart can be a bastard.
[ Sighs ]
It's not just that it's against the law. It's indecent,
barbaric, inhumane.
Two chickens-- roosters, I should say--
are thrown in a pit and forced to do battle...
until one loses consciousness due to blood loss.
At which point, the other pecks its head off.
It's sick. And this man openly,
notoriously broke the law to commit a sick, sick crime.
One he admits committing.
Just having a nun translate for you...
doesn't put you on the side of the angels.
Denny, when the district attorney speaks,
it's not appropriate for you to nod in agreement.
You realize chickens are smarter than dogs?
Much, much smarter than horses.
And we call them "fowl."
How sad that the chicken by far is the most abused animal on the planet.
Raised in crates less than a square foot,
the ends of their beaks snapped off after hatching,
pumped up with antibiotics to keep them alive...
in conditions that would otherwise kill them.
Genetically altered so that they grow twice as fast.
Sent off to the slaughterhouse after only six weeks of living,
typically in open crates where millions of them...
either freeze to death or get baked alive.
The ones who do arrive undead...
are scalded to de-feather them.
Then they're hung upside-down and electrocuted just enough...
so they don't flap around while getting their throats slit.
It's not good to be a chicken.
Now, the cockfighters,
they get real food, they get real room to move.
They're often loved as pets.
They get at least two good years...
before they're even asked to do combat.
And if he's a really good fighter,
he gets to retire to stud service...
where he can live the life of-- well, of Denny Crane.
The simple truth is that if a chicken in this country...
hopes to be afforded a modicum of dignity,
he has to fight.
Studies show they might actually enjoy it.
Now I suppose you could find my client guilty...
because technically he broke the law,
which screams out with hypocrisy.
Or you could say, "Wait a second.
Miguel Obispo offers chickens a better life."
Miguel Obispo now trusts you...
to be humane.
Not just for his sake,
but for the chickens.
[ Blowing Nose ]
- 125. - Nonstarter.
My client did absolutely nothing wrong. There is no evidence of malpractice.
Discussion of evidence is premature since we haven't begun discovery.
But what we do know is Mr. Rice's mental well-being...
deteriorated while under the continued care of Dr. Farrell.
And during that time, he was never once warned psychotherapy had a 40% failure rate.
And in fact, could worsen symptoms. Forty percent!
If any drug had that failure rate, it would be yanked off the market in days.
Your client should be happy to settle for any amount...
as long as it's confidential and within the policy limits.
His limit being a million dollars.
We're not giving you a million dollars. A man died here!
Treatment! Failure to warn! Dead! That's a plaintiff trifecta!
Forty percent failure rate in psychotherapy.
None of us wants to see that headline.
Actually, I can live with it.
Matthew Rice perhaps could have.
375. That's as high as I'm authorized.
I need to speak with somebody with more authority then.
- Then why don't you give me your number? - 650.
550.
- Nothing structured? All up front? - Sealed. No admission.
I'll recommend it.
[ Sighs ]
We just nicked $550,000 off them.
We did. Jerry, that was fantastic. Brilliant.
Brilliant! Well-- You're the dog's bullocks. That's what you are.
Fantastic. [ Purrs ]
Your Honor, I think we all agree that 15 is too young to be having sex.
Is there anyone here who takes issue with that?
Sometimes when the right answer is no, you say, "no."
You don't start tinkering with morality to coincide with logistics.
Kids need to hear "no."
Not, "Here's how, just in case." But, "no." Abstinence was the right answer here.
If she hadn't had sex, she wouldn't be H.I.V. positive.
And even if you are so determined...
to opt for pragmatism,
abstinence is still the right answer.
Since the implementation of this policy,
the teen pregnancy rate has gone down 30%.
More and more kids are choosing not to have sex.
And that's good, whether they get sick or pregnant or not.
And if parents disagree, by the way,
they can choose to teach their kids about condoms...
and birth control pills and diaphragms.
But once the school starts doing so--
come on-- you're implicitly telling the kids...
it's expected of them to be sexually active.
And many start doing so because they feel all their friends are.
Sure, we can pass out condoms.
But it is simply more responsible, more moral,
and yes, more safe, to practice abstinence.
That's what we should be telling them.
And this school is.
This case isn't about teenage pregnancy. She didn't get pregnant.
She got H.I.V. I can see why you'd want to make it about teenage pregnancy since--
[ Chuckles ] Well, actually, I can't.
The United States has the worst teen pregnancy rate of any industrialized nation.
And contrary to what Mr. Jovanka would like us to believe,
there is no evidence whatsoever...
that suggests using condoms or teaching students about condoms...
makes them any more inclined to have sex-- none!
They're already inclined to have sex, and have been since early puberty.
They're simply going to do it. We all do it.
Birds do it, bees do it, educated fleas do it.
One day, Your Honor, even you--
Yes. The fact is this case has nothing to do...
with the efficacy of abstinence-only programs.
This case is about religion, politics and federal funding.
Our present administration, in blind service to the religious right,
has transcended the separation of church and state...
and consistently implemented a faith-based political and moral mandate.
And now that same policy has been passed on to our educational system.
If schools teach abstinence only, they get federal funding.
If they teach any other type of sex education, they don't.
And as a result, the students in these abstinence-only programs...
aren't being taught the truth...
about that magnificent technological marvel, the condom.
It's not a dirty word, Your Honor. Condoms.
They first came on the scene some 3,000 years ago in Egypt.
For centuries, they went merrily along in modified forms,
warding off syphilis, gonorrhea, preventing unplanned pregnancies,
until science and medicine eventually caught up.
And the pill became a much more effective, less-intrusive contraceptive.
Penicillin and other antibiotics were miracle cures for gonorrhea and syphilis.
The poor humble condom languished.
And then came AIDS--
this terrifying new disease...
that panicked the world.
For many years, it has been fatal.
Gruesomely so in every case. There was no vaccine, no cure, no treatment.
But there were condoms. And they worked.
They were safe, time-tested, easy to use,
and they protected both partners.
The condom is arguably...
the single most important invention of the past 2,000 years.
In fact, it has been said without exaggeration...
that the health of the world depends on them.
Now, one would think that the obvious choice...
would be for schools to tell their students as much.
But Abby's school, indeed all schools that teach abstinence only have chosen to lie.
They teach that condoms are ineffective at preventing pregnancies, which is a lie.
They teach that condoms are ineffective at preventing diseases, which is a lie.
Some of the literature actually compares using a condom to playing Russian roulette,
which is a frightening, despicable, unforgivable lie!
Abby Holt has H.I.V., which in all likelihood will develop into AIDS.
We've sort of forgotten about AIDS in this country.
Treatments have improved dramatically.
Drugs are keeping people alive for many years after they become infected.
But the grim butcher's bill for this pandemic...
still keeps growing and growing.
65 million people worldwide have become infected.
One time unprotected sex can kill you.
A condom can save you.
It is inconceivable...
that every child in the world isn't taught that.
We should be in criminal court this very moment...
trying this obscenely duplicitous school for conspiracy to commit murder!
[ Groans ]
But frankly, I have no... stomach for that.
I think of the horror...
that has been inflicted on this 15-year-old girl,
and I'm just so profoundly sad.
I can point out the evils of this corrupt system.
I can tell you how effective condoms are, the lives they save, on and on and on and on.
But words seem to be these hollow, useless things...
rattling around in this courtroom because...
ultimately the lies this school told Abby Holt may--
will probably kill her.
They have certainly altered her life forever.
And in the face of that, all I can think of is,
why?
I give long closings.
[ Bailiff ] Will the defendant please rise?
Little nervous. You? The suspense is killing me.
I'll give you some insurance. $100,000, cut your loss in half.
The man is guilty, black-and-white.
- Has the jury reached a unanimous verdict? - We have, Your Honor.
How say you?
In the matter of the Commonwealth versus Miguel Obispo,
we, the jury, find the defendant, Miguel Obispo, not guilty.
- What? - [ Crowd Murmurs ]
- We appeal, Your Honor. - Mr. Crane, you can't appeal an acquittal.
And it would be especially unusual for the defense to try.
We're adjourned. The defendant is free to go.
[ Spanish ] Hey! Hey!
[ Spanish Continues ] Yes, I'm sure you're telling me that you're very happy.
I'm happy too. Good luck, Miguel. Tell the family hi for me. Bye-bye.
- Denny, don't you want to hug Miguel? He seems very happy. - [ Groans ]
Oh.
Mr. Crane-- [ Spanish ] Hey! Hey!
Oh, my. What do we have here?
I brought you some flowers to celebrate our good result.
Jerry, you positively-- I should be bringing you flowers after your brilliant negotiation.
- You accomplished that result. - [ Purrs ]
I thought maybe we could celebrate by getting dinner tonight?
That's a fab idea. I'd love that. Brilliant.
Brilliant! 8:00?
8:00 it is. [ Chuckles ]
[ Purrs ]
[ Purring Continues ]
Jerry,
it would be as colleagues celebrating their litigation victory?
I only ask. I wouldn't want it to be construed as a date.
Not that I think that was your intent. But just to be clear.
No! No, I only meant as colleagues.
Not that you wouldn't be an absolutely delightful man to date.
Any woman should be so lucky. But since I work with you, for me, it's--
No. I-- I only meant as colleagues.
8:00 then? 8:00.
First, let me say...
I find this national obsession with sex to be disgusting.
Young girls walking around in T-shirts...
with vulgar verbs written across their chests and on their buttocks.
Television news, movies,
it's all sex, sex, sex, sex, sex!
- Outrageous. - Outrageous!
And while I admire the school's motives in trying to stress abstinence,
and they should, the evidence suggests that they are no less likely to fornicate,
and even more likely not to use condoms when they do.
The statistics on AIDS are horrifying.
65 million and counting.
The condom may just be the greatest health advice we could possibly give our children,
more important even than seat belts!
In this sad, sad day...
when sex seems to be everywhere,
how can we fail to give them proper sex education?
I order the school district to scrap its abstinence-only program,
to start teaching sex education,
and I order them to pay the petitioner $750,000...
in compensatory damages.
[ Gavel Raps ] Adjourned.
Oh, my gosh. I-I never even asked for money, did I?
No, you did not. Congratulations, Abby.
Oh, thank you. Thank you for all of your work. Oh, and thank you.
- Thank you. You're terrific. - Thank you.
I must say, as satisfying as the ruling was,
it was equally gratifying to know you and I can work together without incident.
Yes, very gratifying. The truth is, I felt perfectly comfortable.
We just needed to get it out of our system. And now it's out.
Completely. Congratulations, Alan.
You too, Lorraine.
Maybe it's the elevator.
I had a thing about desktops when I was younger,
and the backseat of cars,
and farms.
There's something wrong with me, Denny. I don't even really think of Gloria.
Well, why should you? She's a coldhearted bitch-- Gloria.
- She would've been awful for you. - Why didn't you tell me that?
You had to see it for yourself. And I knew you would.
Besides, you'd have dismissed anything I had to say,
thinking that I was trying to split you up so I could sleep with her.
Can I now, by the way?
Lorraine could be right for you.
I don't know.
It's just her smell...
and her arms and her... legs.
Yes or no on Gloria? Can I?
You just said she was a coldhearted bitch. Yeah. I like that. Can I?
You know what? You're both consenting adults. It's none of my business.
Now that's a mature response.
- Denny-- - No! Forget Shirley.
She's grandmothered in.
Oh, Alan, aren't women just the best?
Indeed.
I love 'em all. They all love me.
- It's good to be Denny Crane. - Not bad to be you right now.
It has its moments.
Lorraine.
Lemon "Lorraine" pie.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Man ] * Just can't wait until that happy day *
* When I marry sweet Lorraine *
Next on Boston Legal.
- Hey, Carl. - Whitney.
- I'm working here now. You mind? - What?
I'll need an office and an assistant.
- I'm gay. - Like in homo-- homosexual?
I would like to sue the army.
Jell-O. Guadalupe.
- Word salad. - Thought I was over it.
It only seems to come on when Lorraine comes around.
[ Grunting ]
Well, well, well.
Coleslaw.
You are the most beautiful woman I've ever known.
Denny!
- Score, score, score! - Stinker!
Ow.
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