***
OOH! OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY. I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.
HOW MAY I HELP YOU?
UH, I'M LOOKING FOR, UH, CARL SACK.
I'M CARL SACK. YOU'RE CARL SACK?
AT YOUR SERVICE. FULL SERVICE.
UM, I'VE SEEN PHOTOGRAPHS OF MR. SACK AND--
I LOOK SHORTER IN PERSON, AND FATTER AND--
HELLO, DENNY. I'M CARL SACK.
HE'S GOT THE MAD COW. IT MAKES HIM THINK HE'S CARL-- I'M JENNY PRATT.
YES. UM, LET'S GO TO MY OFFICE.
OKAY.
***
THERE WERE A DOZEN EYEWITNESSES,
AND THEY ALL TELL THE SAME STORY.
DWAYNE WILLIS WAS BROUGHT IN A LITTLE BEFORE 9:00 P.M.
THEY STRAPPED HIM DOWN ON THE TABLE
AND HOOKED UP THE TWO I.V.s, ONE IN EACH ARM.
THE FIRST DRUG IS SUPPOSED TO RENDER
THE CONDEMNED MAN UNCONSCIOUS.
IT DIDN'T.
IT WAS NOW 10 PAST 9:00.
THE DRUGS HAD BEEN GOING INTO HIM FOR NEARLY TEN MINUTES.
THAT'S WHEN OFFICER HOLT STARTED GETTING WORRIED.
MORE TIME GOES BY.
WILLIS HAS BEEN HOOKED UP TO THE DRIP FOR 20 MINUTES NOW.
HE'S STILL CONSCIOUS.
AN ARGUMENT BREAKS OUT. (arguing indistinctly)
THE TECH WANTS TO PULL THE I.V.s OUT AND TRY AGAIN.
ANOTHER GUARD SAYS NO, JUST INCREASE THE DOSAGE.
THEN WILLIS STARTS THRASHING AROUND. (people yelling indistinctly)
HIS CHEST IS HEAVING.
HE IS GASPING, CHOKING. IT'S HORRIFYING.
AND HOLT SAYS, "DO SOMETHING"... (all arguing)
BUT NOBODY KNOWS WHAT TO DO. (gasping)
WILLIS HAS BEEN HOOKED UP FOR A HALF-HOUR NOW.
HE'S NOT EVEN UNCONSCIOUS.
(all arguing) HE'S GAGGING AND THRASHING,
AND THAT'S WHEN HOLT JUST SNAPPED.
(woman) I DON'T KNOW!
HE FIRED ONE ROUND INTO WILLIS' HEAD.
WILLIS DIED INSTANTLY.
HE'S CHARGED WITH MURDER TWO,
BUT THE D.A. IS WILLING TO KNOCK IT DOWN TO MANSLAUGHTER,
ONLY HOLT WON'T TAKE THE DEAL. MS. PRATT--
JENNY. THERE MUST BE MANY LAWYERS IN VIRGINIA
WHO COULD DO THIS. YEAH, I NEED AN ADVOCATE WHO CAN SPEAK FORCEFULLY
AGAINST THE DEATH PENALTY ITSELF.
JENNY, WHATEVER ONE'S FEELINGS ARE ON THE DEATH PENALTY...
(singsong voice) FOR IT. IT'S MOOT HERE.
YOUR CLIENT... CARRIED OUT A DEATH SENTENCE,
ALBEIT IN A UNIQUE FASHION.
BUT THE LEGAL ISSUE IS ALSO UNIQUE.
I MEAN, IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE
TO MURDER A MAN WHO'S BEING EXECUTED? DOUBLE HOMICIDE. HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
A DOUBLE HOMICIDE IS WHEN TWO PEOPLE ARE KILLED, DENNY.
WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
LISTEN, JENNY, I'M NOT S--
CARL, VIRGINIA IS A SWING STATE,
AND I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SWING. DENNY.
CARL, WE NEED TO BOND. HELL, MAN, THIS IS OUR LAST SEASON.
IF THERE'S ONE THING I'VE LEARNED IN LIFE,
IT'S NEVER, EVER SAY NO TO A ROAD TRIP.
***
BOOM.
(makes popping noise)
(Devin Powers) * COME ON, COME ON DOWN
* SWEET VIRGINIA
* OH, VIRGINIA WAY
* YOU GOTTA SCRAPE THAT STUFF
* RIGHT OFF YOUR SHOES
* SWEET VIRGINIA * RIGHT OFF
* SWEET VIRGINIA * YOUR SHOES
* SWEET VIRGINIA
* OH, YEAH
I JUST COULDN'T WATCH HIM SUFFER ANYMORE.
IF I HAD TO DO IT OVER AGAIN, I'D DO THE SAME THING.
YOU ONLY FIRED THE ONE SHOT? YES.
WE COULD GO WITH DEFENSE OF OTHERS,
BUT SINCE YOU WENT INTO THE ROOM
TO PARTICIPATE IN EXECUTING THE MAN, I DON'T THINK THAT--
I DIDN'T GO IN TO TORTURE HIM.
MM. ANOTHER APPROACH,
UH, WOULD BE A VERSION OF DIMINISHED CAPACITY.
YOU WERE OVERCOME WITH COMPASSION-- IN VIRGINIA?
MOREOVER, YOUR YEARS OF WITNESSING EXECUTIONS
COULD HAVE TAKEN A MENTAL TOLL.
I'M NOT ARGUING THAT.
UM, HOW ABOUT... SIMPLE TEMPORARY INSANITY?
YOU SAW A MAN SUFFERING. YOU SNAPPED. YOU W--
NO, I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I DID WHILE I WAS DOING IT.
I'D DO IT AGAIN.
WE DON'T HAVE A LOT TO GO WITH HERE.
I WON'T SAY I WAS INSANE.
***
YOU WANT US TO JUST CUT HIM LOOSE?
YOU MAKE IT SOUND AS IF HE'S STRUNG UP SOMEWHERE.
LET'S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES. MR. SACK, UH, YOU'RE A STRANGER HERE.
I KNEW IT. THEY PLAN TO PLAY THE STRANGER CARD.
AREN'T WE ALL BROTHERS, MY FRIEND?
THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS MATTER.
YES, IT IS.
SO I THOUGHT PERHAPS WE COULD BE SERIOUS FOR A SECOND.
YOU DON'T MEAN TO TELL A JURY OF YOUR FELLOW VIRGINIANS
THAT SHOOTING A MAN
THE COMMONWEALTH WAS IN THE PROCESS OF KILLING
WAS MURDER OR MANSLAUGHTER OR IN FACT ANY CRIME AT ALL?
IT WAS A CRIME, ACCORDING TO THE LAW. UNDERSTOOD,
BUT A D.A. HAS DISCRETION WHETHER TO CHARGE, DO THEY NOT?
GOOD ONES DO. WELL, HE LOOKS GOOD.
HE LOOKS GREAT. BEST I'VE SEEN.
ME, TOO. LOOK... (clears throat) I AM NOT DISMISSING THE CHARGES.
HE IS GOING ON TRIAL FOR MURDER. YOU'RE NOT MY BROTHER ANYMORE,
WHICH I BELIEVE LEAVES ME FREE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR SISTER.
WE TRY TO MAKE OUR CASES FUN.
***
I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR SEEING ME, ALAN.
PLEASE.
SO I HEAR YOU'VE BECOME
QUITE THE BUSY MAN THESE DAYS, HUH?
(chuckles) BIG LAWYER.
A CELEBRITY OF SORTS?
(laughs) OH, WELL, NO. (laughs) WELL, YOU LOOK GREAT.
THANK YOU. YEAH. YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS FIGURED YOU TO AGE FAT AND BALD.
WELL, I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH
TO STAVE OFF THE EVIL THAT SO AGES MEN.
WHICH IS?
MARRIAGE.
WHAT'S UP, MARTHA?
WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, I WAS FIRED FROM MY JOB.
AW. YEAH. A VERY GOOD JOB, I MIGHT ADD.
I WAS DISTRICT SALES MANAGER FOR A SOFTWARE COMPANY,
IN LINE TO BECOME REGIONAL SALES MANAGER.
NOW I KNOW THAT THIS MAY BE HARD TO PROVE,
BUT I THINK I GOT FIRED BECAUSE I VOTED FOR JOHN McCAIN.
MY BOSS AND I, WE GOT INTO THIS BIG FIGHT OVER THE ELECTION.
AND AS SOON AS I TOLD HIM WHO I VOTED FOR,
HE JUST GOT THIS LOOK OF DISGUST ON HIS FACE, AS...
NOT ENTIRELY DISSIMILAR TO THE EXPRESSION ON YOUR FACE
AT THE MOMENT.
BUT ANYWAY, UH, SO HE FIRED ME.
DID HE, UH, GIVE YOU A REASON?
NO. NO, THEY DON'T HAVE TO GIVE A REASON ANYMORE.
THEY'RE ADVISED BY THEIR LABOR LAWYERS NOT TO.
BUT I KNOW IT WAS BECAUSE I VOTED FOR McCAIN.
I CAN FEEL IT IN MY BONES, ALAN.
AND THE PRISONER STARTED GASPING FOR BREATH
AND MOVING AROUND ON THE TABLE.
IS THAT UNCOMMON? IT'S HAPPENED BEFORE.
NO TWO LETHAL INJECTIONS EVER SEEM TO GO
EXACTLY THE SAME WAY.
THERE WAS A LOT OF SCREAMING AND YELLING.
OFFICER HOLT BECAME VERY... UPSET.
THEN HE SUDDENLY PULLED OUT HIS GUN
AND SHOT THE PRISONER IN THE HEAD.
ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE CASE EMMETT v. JOHNSON?
I'VE HEARD OF IT.
SOMETHING LIKE LETHAL INJECTION IS CRUEL AND BARBARIC.
SOMETHING LIKE.
ACCORDING TO BRIEFS FILED IN THAT CASE,
VIRGINIA'S METHOD IN PARTICULAR CARRIES A GREATER RISK
OF INFLICTING PAIN THAN THE METHOD USED IN KENTUCKY,
WHICH THE SUPREME COURT APPROVED. OUR METHODS ARE SUBSTANTIALLY THE SAME.
THE BRIEFING INCLUDES EVIDENCE THAT MEMBERS OF THE DEATH TEAM,
INCLUDING, I ASSUME, YOU,
DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THE DRUGS WORK,
DON'T KNOW HOW TO PROPERLY ADMINISTER AN I.V.
AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO CORRECTLY OBSERVE THE INMATE
DURING THE EXECUTION
TO DETERMINE IF ANYTHING IS GOING WRONG.
THAT'S--THAT'S AN ARGUMENT IN A LAWSUIT.
THERE'S ANOTHER ARGUMENT ON THE OTHER SIDE.
WHY DON'T YOU READ THAT? OH, I'M SURE THERE IS.
ARE YOU AWARE THAT A PROMINENT MEDICAL SOCIETY
HAS FOUND VIRGINIA'S METHOD OF EXECUTION UNACCEPTABLE?
I KNOW DOCTORS HAVE AN ISSUE WITH THE DEATH PENALTY
IN GENERAL, SO IT WOULDN'T SURPRISE ME
IF SOME PHYSICIANS' GROUP SAID THAT.
NEITHER WOULD I,
EXCEPT THE GROUP I'M REFERRING TO HAPPENS TO BE
THE AMERICAN VETERINARY MEDICAL ASSOCIATION.
SOME VETS HAVE BANNED YOUR LETHAL INJECTION PROTOCOL
BECAUSE THE METHOD VIRGINIA USES ON HUMANS
IS CONSIDERED TOO BARBARIC TO BE USED ON CATS AND DOGS. OBJECTION.
THE A.V.M.A. HAS SAID THAT THEIR REPORT WAS MISINTERPRETED.
(judge) SUSTAINED.
MR. SACK, THIS CASE IS NOT ABOUT
THE LEGITIMACY OF THE DEATH PENALTY.
AND IF THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM,
YOU CAN TUCK IN YOUR LITTLE TAIL
AND HEAD ON BACK TO MASSACHUSETTS.
YOUR HONOR, I'M VERY PROUD OF MY HOME STATE--
HOME OF THE RED SOX, THE PATRIOTS, MITT.
WE TAKE OUR LAWS HERE IN VIRGINIA VERY SERIOUSLY, SIR. DO YOU TAKE THIS CASE SERIOUSLY?
SHOW OF HANDS. BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT IS A BIT SILLY.
OBJECTION. THERE'S A MAN ON TRIAL HERE FOR TRYING TO KILL SOMEBODY
THE STATE WAS ALREADY KILLING.
IF ANYTHING, MY CLIENT ACCOMPLISHED THE DEATH PENALTY.
MR. SACK-- THE LEGITIMACY OF WHICH I CERTAINLY WOULD NEVER QUESTION,
PARTICULARLY IN VIRGINIA. YOUR HONOR!
MR. SACK-- OH, HOW ABOUT TORTURE? ARE WE FOR THAT?
I'M WARNING YOU. BECAUSE THIS MAN WAS BEING TORTURED.
THAT'S WHY MY CLIENT PULLED THE TRIGGER... OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR!
(banging gavel) ORDER. ORDER! ORDER! OBJECTION!
TO SPARE HORRENDOUS SUFFERING! (screaming)
GET CONTROL OF THE ROOM, WILL YOU, JUDGE?
BAILIFF.
(mouths words)
***
BLANK. WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?
HOW'D YOU EVEN GET THE GUN IN THE COURTROOM?
OH, PLEASE.
DENNY... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WILL YOU RELAX?
LIKE I SAID, FIRSTLY, IT WAS BLANK,
SECONDLY... THIS IS VIRGINIA.
MY APPROVAL RATING WENT UP IN THAT ROOM.
I'M A HERO TO THOSE PEOPLE.
I COULDN'T BE MORE POPULAR IF I GOT KIDS TO SMOKE CIGARETTES.
CARL, DON'T LEAVE ME HERE.
I CAN'T SWING IN HERE. MM.
ALAN'S WAY MORE FUN.
***
I APPRECIATE YOU MAKING THE TIME TO SEE ME. OH, SURE.
WELL, ACTUALLY, MY LAWYER TOLD ME NOT TO SEE YOU,
BUT I NEVER LISTEN TO HIM ANYWAY. (laughs)
NO, YOU CERTAINLY DIDN'T BOTHER TO CONSULT WITH HIM
BEFORE FIRING MARTHA.
NICE TRY.
WHY DID YOU FIRE HER, MR. FELDCAMP?
(sighs) IT WASN'T WORKING OUT.
HOW SO?
OH, HARD TO SAY. YOU KNOW, AS AN EMPLOYER,
YOU SOMETIMES GET A FEEL FOR AN EMPLOYEE,
AND WITH MARTHA-- HARD WORKER,
BUT SHE WAS NEVER GONNA MAKE THE NEXT STEP,
AND IN THIS COMPANY, YOU EITHER MOVE UP OR YOU MOVE OUT.
MARTHA'S OF THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU FIRED HER
BECAUSE SHE VOTED FOR JOHN McCAIN IN THE ELECTION.
SHE'S MISTAKEN. LOOK, I VOTED FOR McCAIN, ALL RIGHT?
MARTHA SIMPLY WASN'T WORKING OUT.
THERE MUST BE A REASON
YOU DIDN'T THINK SHE WAS WORKING OUT.
(sighs)
IF I HAVE TO DEPOSE YOU TO FORCE AN ANSWER, I CAN DO SO,
BUT YOU SEEM TO BE RATHER FORTHCOMING.
WHY NOT JUST TELL ME NOW? OKAY.
SHE'S STUPID.
AND AS FOR EVIDENCE OF HER STUPIDITY?
OH, GOD, I COULD CITE MANY.
CITE ONE. SHE VOTED FOR McCAIN.
YOU SAID YOU VOTED FOR HIM.
MM-HMM. YEAH, I DID.
I VOTED FOR HIM BECAUSE I LIKE HIS POLICIES ON NUCLEAR ENERGY,
BECAUSE I BELIEVED HE'D MAKE
A BETTER COMMANDER IN CHIEF IN TIMES OF WAR,
BECAUSE I TRUSTED HIS EXPERIENCE.
BUT MARTHA VOTED FOR McCAIN
BECAUSE SHE FOUND SARAH PALIN SPUNKY.
SO YOU ADMIT YOU FIRED HER BECAUSE OF WHO SHE VOTED FOR.
NO, I FIRED HER BECAUSE SHE IS STUPID.
LOOK, I GOT A BAD FEELING ABOUT HER, YOU KNOW?
IT'S PLAIN AND SIMPLE. (laughs) I'M STARTING TO GET A BAD FEELING ABOUT YOU.
(laughs) WELL, THEN IT'S LUCKY FOR ME THAT YOU'RE NOT MY BOSS.
(sighs) LOOK, ARE WE DONE?
NO, I'M AFRAID WE'RE NOT DONE.
RATHER, IT SEEMS WE'RE JUST BEGINNING.
LOOK, MR. SHORE, I FIRE PEOPLE ALL THE TIME,
AND SOME OF THEM GO ON TO SUE ME.
THIS IS AN AT-WILL EMPLOYMENT HERE.
IT'S MY WILL.
SO IF YOU WANT TO FILE A LAWSUIT, JUST JOIN THE CLUB.
OH, I'M NOT A MEMBER OF ANY CLUB, I ASSURE YOU.
I TEND TO STICK OUT. I DON'T MIND.
IT MAKES ME MORE MEMORABLE.
YOU'LL REMEMBER ME, MR. FELDCAMP.
MM. YEAH, DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT.
***
FIRST IS SODIUM THIOPENTAL, WHICH IS A BARBITURATE.
NEXT COMES PANCURONIUM BROMIDE,
A MUSCLE RELAXANT THAT PARALYZES THE DIAPHRAGM
AND THUS STOPS BREATHING.
THEN POTASSIUM CHLORIDE IS INJECTED,
AND THAT STOPS THE HEART. BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED HERE.
NOT EXACTLY. WHAT DID HAPPEN?
WELL, THE TECHNICIAN WHO STARTED THE I.V. ON THE PRISONER
MISSED THE VEIN IN ONE ARM, AND IN THE OTHER ARM,
HE STUCK THE NEEDLE THROUGH THE PRISONER'S VEIN
AND INTO HIS MUSCLE TISSUE. DO YOU KNOW OF OTHER BOTCHED EXECUTIONS
USING THE LETHAL INJECTION METHOD? THERE HAVE BEEN TOO MANY TO LIST.
THIS IS SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE DONE BY DOCTORS,
BUT DOCTORS REFUSE TO DO IT ON ETHICAL GROUNDS. BUT, I MEAN, TO BE FAIR,
IN MOST INSTANCES WHERE LETHAL INJECTION IS USED,
THE CONDEMNED MAN JUST SORT OF DRIFTS OFF TO SLEEP
WITHOUT INCIDENT.
IT'S MORE LIKELY THAT THE PARALYTIC AGENT
SIMPLY PREVENTS PRISONERS FROM COMMUNICATING.
IN FACT, THEY COULD BE SUFFOCATING,
SUFFERING EXCRUCIATING PAIN DURING THE PROCEDURE.
THEY'RE JUST UNABLE TO SCREAM.
HOW MANY OF THESE SO-CALLED BOTCHED EXECUTIONS
OCCURRED IN VIRGINIA? ONE.
AND THE SUPREME COURT HAS APPROVED THE METHOD
OF LETHAL INJECTION USED IN THE COMMONWEALTH OF VIRGINIA?
AND WE KNOW THEY'RE SUCH STICKLERS.
MR. SACK, I WILL HOLD YOU IN CONTEMPT.
AND THE SUPREME COURT HAS NOT APPROVED PRISON GUARDS
SHOOTING CONDEMNED PRISONERS IN THE HEAD, HAVE THEY? HAS ANYBODY ASKED THEM?
NOW LOOK, WE ALL KNOW THINGS WENT WRONG HERE.
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
I WILL REPEAT, THE QUESTION HERE IS,
DO WE SIMPLY GIVE PRISON GUARDS THE RIGHT
TO JUST WHIP OUT THEIR GUNS AND BLAST AWAY?
(scoffs) WELL, THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR,
FOR FRAMING THE ISSUE
IN SUCH A NEUTRAL AND IMPARTIAL WAY.
***
WHY DO YOU NEED MY HELP? WELL, I DON'T PROBABLY.
IT'S JUST DENNY'S OUT OF TOWN AND...
WILL YOU GIVE UP, EVER?
I HAVE NO ONE TO SHARE
PRIVATE THOUGHTS WITH TONIGHT ON THE BALCONY.
(laughs) SHIRLEY, THIS MAN FELDCAMP--
THE UNFETTERED, SMUG ARROGANCE--
HE COULD ALMOST MAKE RUDY GIULIANI SEEM HUMBLE.
COME ON. IT'LL BE FUN.
HE REALLY FIRED HER BECAUSE OF HOW SHE VOTED?
WELL, HE'S CLAIMING IT'S STUPIDITY,
BUT YES, I THINK HE DID.
AND WHAT EXACTLY WOULD MY ROLE BE?
WHY DO YOU SAY IT WITH SUCH DISTRUST?
BECAUSE I CAN SMELL A DOG ON THE SNIFF.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
YOU'RE ALMOST OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY MOTHER
OR ONE OF MY MOTHER'S FRIENDS...
THE ONE WHO USED TO SUNBATHE NAKED BY THE POOL.
(chuckles)
SO YOU WANT TO MARCH INTO COURT TOMORROW,
THE TWO OF US SIDE BY SIDE, AND FIGHT FOR A WOMAN WHO--
WHO VOTED FOR JOHN McCAIN.
(sighs)
(chuckles)
***
HE ALL BUT ADMITTED TO ME, YOUR HONOR,
THAT HE FIRED HER BECAUSE SHE VOTED FOR JOHN McCAIN.
HE MADE NO SUCH ADMISSION. THE BASIS WAS HER STUPIDITY.
YES, AND THE EVIDENCE OF THAT WAS HER VOTE.
LOOK, THEY GOT INTO A BIG POLITICAL DEBATE
THREE DAYS BEFORE-- DURING WHICH, THE PLAINTIFF
FURTHER DISPLAYED A COMPLETE LACK OF INTELLECT,
WHICH PROMPTED MY CLIENT-- BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T SHARE
YOUR CLIENT'S POLITICAL POINT OF VIEW. MY CLIENT VOTED FOR McCAIN.
YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT IS A REPUBLICAN
WHO WAS HAPPY WITH MS. HEADLY'S VOTE,
BUT NONETHELESS,
COULD NOT IGNORE THAT SHE WAS... WELL, DUMB.
(bangs table) HOW DARE YOU? MS. HEADLY.
HE JUST CALLED ME DUMB AND STUPID. MS. HEADLY.
MR. DAVIDSON, AS I READ THE AFFIDAVIT,
IT DOES SEEM LIKE SHE WAS FIRED FOR HER POLITICAL OPINIONS.
FREE SPEECH IS NOT A RIGHT IN THE WORKPLACE.
PEOPLE ARE HIRED FOR THEIR OPINIONS
AND PERCEIVED INTELLECT.
THAT'S WHY WE HAVE INTERVIEWS, TO DETERMINE WHETHER WE LIKE
WHAT COMES OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS. LISTEN, THE FACT IS, THIS WOMAN DID GET HIRED,
AND THEN SHE WAS DISCHARGED
FOR EXACTLY AS YOU SAY, YOUR HONOR,
HER POLITICAL OPINION.
ALL RIGHT, I WANT TO HEAR MS. HEADLY ON THE STAND,
AND I WANT TO HEAR EXACTLY HOW THIS WENT DOWN.
LET'S GO.
***
IT SEEMED LIKE...
I DON'T KNOW, LIKE...
LIKE IT HAD GONE PAST THE POINT OF TORTURE EVEN.
I-I JUST... I COULDN'T WATCH HIM SUFFER ANYMORE.
SO I, UM...
I TOOK HIM OUT.
DID YOU STOP TO THINK, SIR,
THAT YOU WERE BREAKING THE LAW BY-- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
ALL I COULD SEE W-WAS A PERSON SUFFERING,
JUST WAY BEYOND THE POINT OF...
IT WAS INHUMANE.
SOMEBODY HAD TO DO SOMETHING.
I YELLED AT THE OTHERS, BUT THEY JUST STOOD THERE, SO...
IT JUST WASN'T RIGHT.
YOU DECIDED ALL BY YOURSELF TO TAKE A HUMAN LIFE.
NO, THE--THE MAN WAS DYING ANYWAY.
I MADE THE DECISION TO BE HUMANE ABOUT IT.
I SEE.
I'VE PROSECUTED TWO DOCTORS WHO MADE THE SAME DECISION.
THEY HAD TERMINAL PATIENTS IN AGONY,
SO THEY DECIDED TO HASTEN THEIR DEATHS.
IN FACT, I BELIEVE YOUR FAMILY FACED A SIMILAR SITUATION.
YOU HAD AN AUNT WHO WAS DYING OF OVARIAN CANCER. AM I RIGHT?
YES.
AND THERE WERE THOSE IN YOUR FAMILY
WHO WANTED TO PUT HER ON A MORPHINE DRIP
TO SPEED THINGS UP BECAUSE SHE WAS SUFFERING SO.
IS THAT TRUE?
YES.
WHAT WAS YOUR POSITION THERE? DO YOU REMEMBER?
I WAS AGAINST IT.
YOU THOUGHT IT WAS MURDER, DIDN'T YOU?
YOU TOLD YOUR MOTHER AND THE DOCTOR,
"ONLY GOD GETS TO MAKE THAT CALL."
DO YOU NOW AMEND THAT TO GOD AND CORRECTIONAL OFFICERS?
WE GOT INTO THIS HUGE ARGUMENT ON NUCLEAR ENERGY.
I'M AGAINST, AND HE'S FOR IT.
NOW THAT ARGUMENT SOMEHOW GOT REPLACED
BY SOME BROUHAHA ON THE WAR.
I'M AGAINST IT, AND HE'S FOR IT.
AND THAT SEGUED INTO TAXES,
AND HE DOESN'T THINK HE SHOULD HAVE TO PAY ANY,
AND I SAID TO HIM THAT IF HE-- SO YOU HAD A LOT OF POLITICAL DIFFERENCES?
YES. YES.
WELL, THEN THE VERY NEXT DAY,
AFTER I DID INFORM HIM THAT I VOTED FOR McCAIN,
HE CALLED ME A COMPLETE IDIOT.
UH, MR. FELDCAMP CALLED YOU AN IDIOT?
A COMPLETE ONE. AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, NOT LONG AFTER THAT, HE WALKED INTO MY OFFICE
AND HE FIRED ME.
HAVE YOU EVER HAD ANY YEARLY REVIEWS
WITH RESPECT TO YOUR EMPLOYMENT WITH MR. FELDCAMP?
YES.
HOW'D THEY GO?
OKAY. HE SAID I COULD PERFORM BETTER
AND HE SAID SALES COULD BE HIGHER.
BUT IN THIS ECONOMY? COME ON. YOU KNOW THAT.
IT'S BAD EVERYWHERE. I MEAN, IT'S, LIKE,
THE NUMBER ONE PROBLEM IN THIS COUNTRY RIGHT NOW.
SO YOU CONSIDER THE ECONOMY TO BE THE NUMBER ONE PROBLEM
IN THE COUNTRY? YES, I DO.
MM. IF I MAY ASK, HOW DOES JOHN McCAIN'S ECONOMIC POLICY
DIFFER FROM BARACK OBAMA'S?
TAXES...
AND, UM...
WELL, I'M NOT EXACTLY SURE WHAT ELSE, TO BE HONEST.
WELL, IF YOU CONSIDER IT TO BE
THE NUMBER ONE PROBLEM IN THE COUNTRY-- LOOK, EVEN DESPITE HOW THEY ALL SAY THEY'LL BE DIFFERENT,
THEY ALL DO THE SAME THING ONCE THEY GET ELECTED.
COME ON. YOU KNOW THAT. YOU WERE AN ARDENT HILLARY CLINTON SUPPORTER,
WERE YOU NOT? YES, I WAS, PROUDLY.
AND ACCORDING TO YOUR COWORKERS, YOU CROSSED OVER TO McCAIN
PRIMARILY BECAUSE OF SARAH PALIN. YES.
BECAUSE HER POLICIES WERE CONSISTENT WITH HILLARY'S?
BECAUSE I WAS IMPRESSED WITH HER.
AND BECAUSE SHE STRIKES ME AS A REAL AMERICAN,
WHICH IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY NEEDS.
AND YOU LIKED HER SPUNK.
AND THE COUNTRY NEEDS SPUNK, TOO, YES.
***
(man) * ANOTHER SATURDAY NIGHT
I DON'T HAVE A GOOD FEELING ON THIS ONE, DENNY.
VIRGINIA IS NOT BEING NICE TO ME.
***
A LITTLE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM?
OKAY. YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD.
THANKS FOR KEEPING IT CONSTRUCTIVE.
WELL, YOU'RE MAKING THIS
A REFERENDUM ON THE DEATH PENALTY.
YOU GOTTA GET IT THROUGH THAT LIBERAL, DEMOCRAT SKULL--
AMERICANS LOVE THE DEATH PENALTY.
WE DO?
YEAH, ESPECIALLY THESE PARTS.
(chuckles) HILLARY AND OBAMA, YOU KNOW THOSE PINKO-HEADS
COULDN'T REALLY BE PRO-DEATH PENALTY,
BUT THEY CLAIM THEY ARE,
AND IN FACT, ALMOST EVERYONE WHO RUNS FOR PRESIDENT
MIRACULOUSLY IS FOR THE DEATH PENALTY.
WHY? 'CAUSE THIS IS THE U.S. OF A.
DEATH PENALTY RULES.
FLIP THE SWITCH, READY, AIM, FIRE, TURN UP THE GAS--
IT'S WHO WE ARE AS A PEOPLE.
HELL, YOU--YOU HEARD IT AT THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION.
KILL, BABY, KILL.
IT'S OUR MANTRA, CARL.
I THOUGHT REPUBLICANS WERE PRO-LIFE.
THAT'S FOR BABIES. CRIMINALS WE KILL.
YOU'RE GOING ABOUT THIS ASS BACKWARDS.
THE ARGUMENT YOU WANT TO MAKE TO THE JURY IS THIS--
THAT, UH, UH, WILLIS GUY,
HE WASN'T DYING THE WAY HE WAS SUPPOSED TO.
AFTER RECEIVING THE INJECTION,
THE BASTARD REFUSED TO CHOKE OUT.
SO OUR CLIENT FINISHED HIM OFF.
JOB DONE, GAME OVER, BANG.
PRESTON HOLT, AMERICAN HERO.
KILL, BABY, KILL.
* SOME GOOD OLE BOYS HAVING SOME FUN *
AHH.
DO YOU THINK...
MARTHA AND SARAH AND JOE THE...
IS HE AN ELECTRICIAN?
PLUMBER, UNLICENSED.
(chuckles) ARE-- ARE THEY THE REAL AMERICANS?
NOT NECESSARILY.
I THINK THAT'S WHAT THIS ELECTION JUST PROVED,
THAT REAL AMERICANS AREN'T JUST RURAL AND WHITE.
THE PORTRAIT OF REAL AMERICANS
HAS BEEN REDRAWN IN THIS ELECTION.
REAL AMERICANS ARE OF ALL AGES, RACES, ETHNICITIES.
THEY LIVE IN CITIES AND APARTMENTS
AS WELL AS... FARMS.
I... WE HAVE A PRESIDENT-ELECT
WHO FITS INTO NO CATEGORY OR DEMOGRAPHIC WHATSOEVER
OTHER THAN HE'S AN AMERICAN.
GOD, I WEPT THAT NIGHT.
(chuckles) DID YOU?
NO, I JUST... WATCHED AND WATCHED AND...
DIDN'T WANT THE NIGHT TO END.
I ALREADY MISS SARAH PALIN, THOUGH.
(laughs) SHE WAS FUN WHILE SHE LASTED.
I HOPE THEY LET HER KEEP THE WARDROBE.
I STILL HAVE TO SAY, THOUGH,
AS HEARTENED AS I AM BY THE ELECTION AND BY AMERICA...
WHAT?
(laughs) MARTHA'S A LITTLE BIT OF AN IDIOT.
SHIRLEY, ALMOST 47% OF THIS COUNTRY
DIDN'T VOTE FOR OBAMA,
PERHAPS BECAUSE THEY DISAGREED WITH HIM ON THE ISSUES,
WHICH IS FINE.
BUT SOME, NO DOUBT, BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT HE WAS MUSLIM
WITH TERRORISTS ON HIS SPEED DIAL,
AND OTHERS BECAUSE TH-THEY WERE CONVINCED
HE WAS NOT ONLY SOCIALIST, BUT EVEN WORSE, A BAD BOWLER,
AND OTHERS STILL BECAUSE THEY SIMPLY LOVED
THOSE CREAM-COLORED JACKETS SARAH MAY HAVE TO GIVE BACK.
(laughs)
BUT THERE'S ONE THING ALL THOSE IDIOTS HAVE IN COMMON.
WHAT? THEY STILL GET TO VOTE.
(laughs)
WHAT?
SORRY.
JUST LOOKING AT YOU UNDER A GENTLY LIT SKY WITH...
SHARING THE SAME ORAL FIXATION DENNY AND I...
(laughs)
IS IT A LITTLE GAME, ALAN,
OR--OR ARE YOU REALLY SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO ME?
I'M SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO YOU.
(laughs)
I'M IN MY 60s.
WELL, FIRST OF ALL, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
AND SECOND, YOUR INTELLECT IS... DAZZLING.
AND THIRD, I'VE SEEN THE NAKED PICTURES OF YOU. (laughs) OH, RIGHT.
LET'S NOT DISCUSS THE CHEERLEADER OUTFIT.
OH.
SO IF I...
IF I WANTED TO GO THERE, YOU'D GO THERE?
IN A SECOND.
OH, IF ONLY OBAMA HAD PICKED YOU AS VICE PRESIDENT... (laughs)
WHAT A WORLD WE'D HAVE THEN.
***
LOOK... I CAN SEE THE DEFENDANT'S POINT.
THE MAN WAS DYING ANYWAY. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
WELL...
WHAT ABOUT THE DOCTOR OR THE HOSPICE WORKER
WHO WANTS TO SPEED THE DEATH OF THAT CANCER PATIENT
DYING IN AGONY?
OR WHAT ABOUT THE NURSES WHO OPT TO WITHHOLD TREATMENT
FROM THOSE SEVERELY RETARDED INFANTS
WHO ONLY FACE A LIFETIME OF MISERY?
WE DON'T GO DOWN THAT PATH.
WE DON'T START MEASURING THE QUALITY OF PEOPLE'S LIVES
TO DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT THEY LIVE.
THE DEFENDANT TOOK THE LAW INTO HIS OWN HANDS
AND MURDERED SOMEBODY.
NOBODY GETS THE RIGHT TO DO THAT.
WHETHER THE PERSON IS ON DEATH ROW,
WHETHER A PERSON HAS A DAY LEFT TO LIVE,
AN HOUR OR EVEN A MINUTE...
YOU DON'T GET TO SHOOT SOMEBODY.
THAT'S THE LAW.
THAT'S THE LAW...
BECAUSE OF A PRESUMED SANCTITY OF HUMAN LIFE?
THAT SANCTITY WAS OFF THE TABLE HERE.
THE LIFE WAS BEING EXECUTED BY THE STATE.
UH, FORGIVE ME, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK IS REALLY GOING ON
IS THIS MAN DOESN'T LIKE CAPITAL PUNISHMENT,
AND HE'S TRYING TO BRING SCRUTINY UPON IT.
IT'S THE ONLY POSSIBLE EXPLANATION.
IF HE CAN GET YOU TO SAY THIS EXECUTION WAS WRONG,
WELL, THAT'S ONE STEP FROM SAYING,
"GEE, MAYBE EXECUTIONS ARE WRONG." THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
MORE RIDICULOUS THAN ACCUSING A MAN OF MURDERING SOMEONE
WHO WAS BEING EXECUTED?
LET'S NOT KID OURSELVES. THERE ARE THOSE OUT THERE
TRYING TO GET RID OF CAPITAL PUNISHMENT.
AND I WOULD SUSPECT THEY HAVE TO BE TRICKY
BECAUSE THEY KNOW WE THE PEOPLE ARE OVERWHELMINGLY FOR IT.
WE THE PEOPLE KNOW THE DEATH PENALTY
IS ONE OF THE THINGS THAT MAKES AMERICA...
WELL, AMERICA.
NOT MANY COUNTRIES HAVE IT, YOU KNOW?
WE'RE--WE'RE THE ONLY WESTERNIZED COUNTRY LEFT.
AND IT'S NOT EASY BEING IN THE COMPANY OF IRAQ,
CHINA, SAUDI ARABIA, PAKISTAN, SUDAN.
AND I'LL ADMIT, THE REASONS FOR ABOLISHING CAPITAL PUNISHMENT
ARE COMPELLING.
IT COSTS US HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS,
UP TO SIX TIMES MORE THAN LIFE IMPRISONMENT.
IT DOESN'T SEEM TO DETER CRIME.
MURDER RATES ARE ACTUALLY LOWER IN NON-DEATH-PENALTY STATES.
IT'S WELL-KNOWN.
CANADA'S HOMICIDE RATE FELL 40%
AFTER THEY ABOLISHED THE DEATH PENALTY.
WE BOTCH EXECUTIONS A LOT.
MEDICAL EVIDENCE NOW SHOWS
THAT EVEN WHEN THEY GO OFF WITHOUT A HITCH,
THE EXECUTED SUFFER PERHAPS EXCRUCIATING PAIN.
THERE ARE MANY REASONS TO DO AWAY WITH CAPITAL PUNISHMENT.
BUT WE DON'T BECAUSE, LET'S FACE IT,
THE DEATH PENALTY? IT'S WHO WE ARE AS A PEOPLE.
WE'RE AN EYE-FOR-AN-EYE KIND OF NATION,
AND WE DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR IT.
LISTEN, IF SOMEBODY KILLED MY SON...
WE BELIEVE IN EXECUTING MURDERERS.
IT'S... JUSTICE.
THE ONLY THING MY CLIENT DID HERE
WAS CARRY OUT THE STATE'S MISSION.
IT MAKES NO SENSE TO BE PROSECUTING HIM.
THE ONLY CONCEIVABLE EXPLANATION IS THAT THIS MAN
IS INSIDIOUSLY TRYING TO BRING SCRUTINY ON THE DEATH PENALTY
BECAUSE HE SECRETLY... IS AGAINST IT.
***
NO, LOOK, AS I SAID TO HER LAWYER OVER THERE,
I LIKE MARTHA HEADLY. NICE LADY.
BUT MY GOD, SALES IS ABOUT SELLING,
IT'S ABOUT RELATING TO PEOPLE.
SHE DOESN'T EVEN READ THE NEWSPAPER. WELL, GEORGE BUSH DOESN'T READ THE PAPER.
I'D NEVER HIRE GEORGE BUSH. (laughs) WOULD ANYBODY?
AND YET YOU VOTED FOR JOHN McCAIN, WHO SUPPORTS--
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. THIS IS NOT ABOUT POLITICS.
THIS IS ABOUT BEING SMART OR NOT SMART,
AND SHE IS THE LATTER. BUT, MR. FELDCAMP, TO BE FAIR,
YOU'RE BASING YOUR CONCLUSION ON HER POLITICAL OPINION.
NO, WHAT I'M SAYING
IS THAT WHATEVER YOUR OPINION IS ABOUT ANYTHING,
AT LEAST BE ABLE TO DEFEND IT, AND FAILING THAT, ARTICULATE IT.
MARTHA'S NEVER BEEN
THE BRIGHTEST BULB IN THE TANNING BOOTH,
BUT WHEN SHE TALKS POLITICS, I, YOU KNOW, I JUST CRINGE.
I GO, "HOW CAN I HAVE A PERSON LIKE THAT WORKING FOR ME?"
WELL, GUESS WHAT. MY COMPANY. I DON'T HAVE TO.
DO YOU MAKE ALL YOUR EMPLOYEES DEFEND THEIR POLITICAL BELIEFS?
NOT ALL MY EMPLOYEES LAUNCH INTO THEM.
BUT HAD SHE DEFENDED HERS BETTER, SHE MIGHT-- LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, FOR 16 MONTHS,
SHE JUST WENT PRANCING AROUND
TALKING HILLARY, HILLARY, HILLARY, HILLARY,
AND THEN SHE RAILED AGAINST OBAMA'S INEXPERIENCE
ALL THROUGHOUT THE PRIMARIES,
AND THEN OUT COMES SOME MOOSE HUNTER FROM ALASKA.
SHE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT SARAH PALIN
OR ABOUT JOHN McCAIN. WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT HER? SARAH?
NO. HILLARY?
HER! WHAT DOES IT SAY ABOUT A PERSON
WHO CAN BE SO ARBITRARY, SO FICKLE?
AND THIS IS ABOUT STUFF SHE ACTUALLY FELT STRONGLY ABOUT.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT SAYS. SHE IS AN IDIOT.
YOU KNOW, LET SOMEBODY ELSE HIRE HER.
I DON'T THINK IT'LL BE YOU.
HOW DARE YOU LET HIM GO OFF ON ME LIKE THAT IN A COURTROOM.
(chuckles) I DIDN'T LET HIM GO OFF. I WAS-- YES, YOU DID.
HE WAS BELLOWING THAT I WAS AN IDIOT,
AND YOU JUST SAT THERE, AND SO DID YOU... OF ALL PEOPLE.
NOW WAIT. WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
IT MEANS THAT IT WAS BLATANT SEXISM.
AND I EXPECTED MORE FROM A PERSON OF YOUR CALIBER.
NOW HOLD ON HERE. IS THAT THE KIND OF LAWYER YOU ARE?
IS THAT THE KIND OF WOMAN?
HONEY, THE SEXIST IN ALL THIS IS YOU.
ME?
YEAH. YOU CLAIM TO BE A STAUNCH HILLARY CLINTON SUPPORTER.
YOU--YOU WALKED INTO THAT BOOTH
AND VOTED AGAINST EVERYTHING HILLARY STANDS FOR, AND WHY?
BECAUSE THE REPUBLICANS ADDED TO THEIR TICKET
SOMEONE THEY REFERRED TO AT THE CONVENTION
AS "THE HOT CHICK." OH.
SO YOU JUST SIT QUIET AND LET ME GET BRUTALIZED ON THE STAND--
I SAT THERE FOR TWO REASONS.
FIRST, THERE WAS NO VALID OBJECTION TO BE MADE.
AND SECOND?
YOU ARE AN IDIOT.
***
AT-WILL EMPLOYMENT MEANS EXACTLY THAT, YOUR HONOR.
AT THE EMPLOYER'S WILL.
CERTAINLY, WE CAN'T FIRE ANYBODY FOR RACE OR ETHNICITY.
BUT, WELL, INTELLECT OR A PERSON'S LACK OF IT?
BOSSES FIRE PEOPLE ALL THE TIME FOR THAT.
BUT, MR. DAVIDSON,
TO FIRE SOMEONE FOR THEIR POLITICAL OPINION IS STILL--
YOUR HONOR, IF I MAY, THAT'S ONE WAY TO LOOK AT THIS.
THE OTHER WAY--ARE WE SAYING THAT STUPIDITY
CAN NEVER BE GROUNDS FOR DISCHARGE
WHEN IT'S CLOAKED IN POLITICAL CONTENT?
HE'S THE BOSS. IT'S HIS COMPANY.
SO AS LONG AS HE STAYS WITHIN THE LAW,
HE GETS TO HIRE AND FIRE WHO HE WANTS.
THE UNASSAILABLE RIGHT TO VOTE
IS THE CORE PRINCIPLE OF ANY DEMOCRACY.
AND PEOPLE HAVE THE RIGHT TO CAST THEIR BALLOT
FOR WHOMEVER THEY WANT-- FOR GOOD REASONS
OR FOR BAD REASONS OR FOR NO REASON AT ALL.
LET'S FACE IT, YOUR HONOR, WE AS A NATION
ARE HORRIBLY UNINFORMED WHEN IT COMES TO POLITICS.
APPROXIMATELY ONE-THIRD OF THE PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY,
PEOPLE OF VOTING AGE,
COULDN'T TELL YOU THE NAME OF OUR CURRENT VICE PRESIDENT.
NOW ADMITTEDLY, SOME OF US LIKE TO BLOCK IT OUT,
BUT EVEN SO, ONLY TWO IN FIVE ADULT AMERICANS
KNOW WE HAVE THREE BRANCHES OF GOVERNMENT.
AND MR. FELDCAMP EXPECTS HIS EMPLOYEES
TO ACTUALLY KNOW THE POLITICAL ISSUES OF THE DAY?
WELL, TODAY OUR NEWS PROGRAMS
CONSIST SOLELY OF SENSATIONAL HEADLINES
AND SOUND BITES.
PEOPLE FORGO NEWSPAPERS FOR THE INTERNET,
WHERE INSTEAD OF RELYING ON CREDENTIALED JOURNALISTS,
THEY TURN TO THESE BLOGGERS-- SORT OF ENTRY-LEVEL LIFE-FORMS
THAT INTELLECTUALLY HAVE YET TO EMERGE FROM THE PRIMORDIAL OOZE.
THIS IS HOW WE'VE GOTTEN
THE ELECTED OFFICIALS WE'VE GOTTEN.
WE'VE NEVER REALLY CARED ABOUT ISSUES. COME ON.
WE'RE MORE CONCERNED WITH HOW HILLARY LOOKS IN A PANTSUIT
OR WHETHER BARACK CAN BOWL.
WE DON'T ALWAYS GO FOR THE BEST OR THE BRIGHTEST.
WE ELECT THE GUY WE'D MOST LIKE TO HAVE A BEER WITH
OR THE GAL WE'D MOST LIKE TO FEEL UP IN THE BACK OF THE CAR.
NOW I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T PICK MY AIRLINE PILOT THAT WAY
OR MY ACCOUNTANT OR DOCTOR,
BUT FOR MY PRESIDENT, SO OFTEN, IT'S,
"GIVE ME THE BLUE-COLLAR, LUNCH-BUCKET, GOOD OL' BOY
WHO FITS IN BEST AT THE PANCAKE BREAKFAST."
THE PROBLEM WITH MR. FELDCAMP,
AND FORGIVE ME, I HESITATE TO SAY THIS ABOUT ANYBODY,
BUT HE'S AN ELITIST. OBJECTION.
I REALIZE THAT'S MUCH WORSE THAN BEING CALLED STUPID.
MR. SHORE, LET'S STAY ON MESSAGE.
THE MESSAGE IS, WE VOTE FOR WHO WE LIKE.
IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT. WE DON'T NEED TO HAVE A REASON.
IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT.
THE FOUNDING FATHERS DID NOT FORM A MERITOCRACY.
THIS IS A DEMOCRACY. WE CAN BE AS STUPID AS WE CHOOSE.
WE'RE AMERICANS. WE'RE AS SIMPLE AS THAT.
ALL RIGHT. LOOK...
I DON'T LIKE IT.
BUT JUST AS WE DON'T GET INTO
WHY A PERSON VOTED THE WAY HE OR SHE DID,
NOR DO WE GET INTO
WHY A BOSS TERMINATES SOMEBODY IN AN AT-WILL.
WHOA, WHOA, WAIT. IT SOUNDS LIKE I'M LOSING.
YOUR MOTION FOR AN INJUNCTIVE RELIEF IS DENIED.
IF SHE WANTS TO SUE FOR LOST WAGES, I CAN'T STOP HER.
BUT WE'RE DONE HERE. WE ARE ADJOURNED.
I'M SORRY, MARTHA.
YOU DIDN'T TRY HARD ENOUGH. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
I'LL BE SUING YOU NEXT.
I NEVER LIKED YOU.
SHE SEEMED MUCH MORE FUN IN HIGH SCHOOL.
(chuckles) OH, WELL.
SHIRLEY, IN ANTICIPATION OF WINNING,
I BOOKED A LITTLE CELEBRATION DINNER AT THE RITZ.
THE RESTAURANT THAT COMES EQUIPPED WITH PRIVATE ROOMS
SHOULD WE HAVE TOO MUCH CELEBRATORY WINE.
SHIRLEY, ONE'S LIFE IS A SUM OF HIS OR HER EXPERIENCES.
OKAY, ALAN.
OH.
WITH DENNY'S PERMISSION.
WHAT? WHY DO YOU NEED--
BECAUSE I DO.
TILL THEN...
I'LL BE WAITING.
***
HAS THE JURY REACHED A VERDICT?
(man) WE HAVE, YOUR HONOR.
HOW SAY YOU?
"IN THE MATTER OF THE COMMONWEALTH OF VIRGINIA
"vs. PRESTON HOLT
"ON THE CHARGE OF MURDER IN THE SECOND DEGREE,
"WE FIND THE DEFENDANT
NOT GUILTY." OH.
THE COURT THANKS YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.
THE DEFENDANT IS FREE TO GO. WE ARE ADJOURNED. (bangs gavel)
THANK YOU, MR. SACK. UH, YOU'RE WELCOME.
I WASN'T EXACTLY SURE OF YOUR STRATEGY THERE, BUT-- NOT TO WORRY. NEITHER WAS I.
(Jenny chuckles)
THANK YOU, MR. CRANE.
YOU'RE WELCOME, SON.
***
DO YOU THINK IT'S ODD THAT WHEN RUNNING FOR OFFICE,
HAVING AN IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION IS CONSIDERED A LIABILITY?
NO.
YOU DON'T?
NO, A HARVARD GRAD TOOK US INTO VIETNAM,
A YALE GRAD BOUGHT US IRAQ.
WE'VE LEARNED OUR LESSON.
DENNY... (laughs) BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
DO WE REALLY THINK HE MADE IT THROUGH YALE? WITH A LITTLE HELP.
(chuckles)
DENNY, THERE'S...
SOMETHING A LITTLE... (chuckles)
WELL, DELICATE I'VE BEEN MEANING TO DISCUSS.
WHAT?
WELL, THEY SAY AS A MAN... AGES,
HE EVENTUALLY SITS ALONE WITH NOTHING BUT HIS MEMORIES.
I'M CONCERNED THAT...
WELL, WITH THE...
MAD COW,
Y-YOU COULD POSSIBLY BE ROBBED OF YOUR MEMORIES IN THE END.
AND WHAT A HORRIBLE THING,
NOT BEING ABLE TO EVEN RECOLLECT THE THINGS...
THAT BROUGHT YOU YOUR MOST PROFOUND JOY.
MAKING LOVE TO SHIRLEY...
HOW SAD IF ONE DAY...
YOU WEREN'T ABLE TO REMEMBER
ALL THE... WONDERS OF SHIRLEY,
HOW SHE... SMELLED,
HOW SHE TASTED, HOW...
I WAS THINKING...
IF THAT DAY EVER CAME, AND YOU NO LONGER...
IT WOULD BE GREAT IF I COULD TELL YOU ABOUT IT
TO HELP YOU REMEMBER.
MAYBE I SHOULD MAKE LOVE WITH SHIRLEY ONCE,
JUST SO I'D KNOW-- YOU'RE PATHETIC.
EXPLOITING MY MAD COW
JUST SO YOU COULD GET IN THE SACK WITH SHIRLEY? ALL RIGHT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST DID THAT.
WALTZING ME DOWN MAD COW LANE WHERE THERE'S NO MEMORY LANE
JUST SO YOU-- ALL RIGHT.
HERE'S WHERE YOUR LOGIC FAILED, ALAN.
FIRST OF ALL, I'LL NEVER BE ALONE BECAUSE I GOT YOU.
SECONDLY, I COULD NEVER FORGET
WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE WITH SHIRLEY
BECAUSE THERE WAS A MAGIC THERE THAT NO MAN COULD EVER FORGET.
IN FACT, THERE'S A CHANCE
THAT IT'LL BE THE LAST MEMORY I'LL HAVE IN THE END.
IT COULD BE THE ONLY THING I'LL TALK ABOUT IN THE END.
ALL DAY LONG...
EVERY DAY...
I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT.
I'LL TELL YOU...
HOW WE MOVED TOGETHER AS ONE
ONE NIGHT ON THE BEACH IN NANTUCKET...
HOW HER BREASTS WERE AS SOFT
AND AS PURE AS A BABY'S BEHIND.
YOU REALLY ARE CRUEL. YES, I AM.
CRUEL ENOUGH TO SHOOT YOU IF YOU SO MUCH AS LOOK AT SHIRLEY.
(sighs)
I NEED A NEW WOMAN TO OBJECTIFY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF SARAH PALIN?
OH, THOSE POUTY LIPS... (snorts)
AND THE--THOSE DOWN-TO-EARTH, SLUTTY GOOD LOOKS...
OH.
I'VE GOT TWO THINGS TO SAY ABOUT SARAH PALIN--
RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.
(sighs)
YOU THINK WE'RE SEXIST?
WHY DO YOU ASK THAT?
JUST WONDERING ALOUD.
WHAT ABOUT SHIRLEY AND SARAH...
TOGETHER?
THERE'S A TICKET.
WHO WOULDN'T VOTE FOR THAT?
***
NEXT ON "BOSTON LEGAL"...
I'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU OVER FOR THANKSGIVING ON THURSDAY. EDWIN, THANK YOU. I HAVE PLANS. I'M HOSTING.
SO I'LL COME TO YOUR HOUSE THEN? DEAR GOD--
YOU DON'T EVEN BELIEVE IN GOD. I DO, TOO.
ARE YOU TRYING TO BE OFFENSIVE? THAT WAS AGGRESSIVE.
(makes popping noise) WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
(Shirley) EDWIN-- HE'S A POPPER.
KEEP ACTING LIKE A TURKEY, YOU'RE GONNA GET STUFFED
AND CARVED, HOT STUFF. WHY WASN'T I TOLD THAT?
WE KNEW YOU'D BE UPSET. NEXT THING, YOU'D BE RUNNING AROUND
TELLING EVERYBODY IT WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY. (laughs) GUN!
(gunfire) AAH!
CAN WE JUST EAT AND MAKE SMALL TALK
AND PRETEND WE LIKE EACH OTHER?