- [sirens wailing] - [people screaming]
[car honking]
[grunts]
[panting]
[child] Oh, no! My Batman's gone!
[woman] We don't have time!
- [doorbell chimes] - [Poison Ivy sighs]
So, what should we do for dinner?
Mmm, Thai?
We had Thai yesterday.
- [screeching] - [Harley] Breakfast for dinner?
Oh, my God. I love you with the passion of a thousand suns,
but have you lost your goddamn mind?
[Harley] God, Gotham's really gone to shit
since the Bat Family disbanded and the Joker quit being mayor.
Oh, no. He didn't quit.
He was impeached after he paralyzed Babs.
I wonder how Babs is doing.
Haven't seen her since the, uh...
Mmm, how do I put it?
The spectacular flame out of the Gotham City Sirens?
I hate water.
Then why did you bring us into the sewer?
[Harley] This is so cold, my nips could cut glass.
[all grunting]
- [gate creaking] - [gasping]
- [Catwoman] Whoa. - [Harley] Holy shit!
Shh! [hissing]
[Oracle] Sirens. Shh!
It's imperative we stay quiet
so we don't awaken Enchantress' Skeleton Army.
[footsteps approaching]
There it is.
The Heart of Darkness.
Wait, a diamond?
You said Enchantress was polluting Gotham's water supply
with her army's cremains. That's what you said!
We're here to get information
on Nightwing's stolen body, remember?
Did Enchantress poison the water supply,
or did you lie to us yet again?
I say a lot of things.
- Are they true? Who's to say? - You!
You are to say! We're your fucking teammates,
and yet you lie about every single mission we go on.
- Keep your voices down. - I'm just here because you said
I'd get to bash the boney ass shit outta some skellies!
[gasps] How dare you!
- [splashing] - [whooshing]
- Oh, fuck. - [Poison Ivy] Shit.
[skeletons growling]
Get them!
Oh, fuck, yes! [grunts]
[grunts]
[skeletons groaning]
- [sighs] - [all grunting]
Ha!
[grunting]
That necklace has a demon inside it
and it's worth a fortune. [grunts]
Another stupid gem?
This is, like, the hundredth one
you tricked Ivy and me into stealing!
And me. There's four of us here, remember?
What do you even do with all that money? [grunts]
[grunts]
Besides pay for my penthouse you two freeloaders stay at?
[screaming]
- [grunting] - [Harley] Ow!
Harley, on your right!
- [grunts] - [skeleton grunts]
[both grunting]
[gasps] Ah!
[clattering]
[Poison Ivy grunts]
[Harley] Hey!
[skeleton] I gotta ask.
What exactly are you three?
Us four!
Uh, we're the Gotham City Sirens.
Whoa, the Sirens.
A cat, a plant, and some sorta clown-thing.
Honestly, the branding's confusing.
Shit. They're right.
Like, what are we, you know?
It's like the three of us are not really a team.
[Oracle] Four of us!
That's it! I am out!
I'd be better off alone.
So would I.
I'm out, too. Ciao, ciao.
[grunting]
- [Enchantress] Ah! - [Catwoman giggles]
[gasps] My necklace!
[growling]
Guess this is the end of the Gotham City Sirens.
[echoing] Sirens. Sirens.
But it's been nice, you know, just to relax.
Not worrying about-- [sighs]
I don't know, fighting for anyone?
Yeah! You know what? We don't need 'em.
We don't need anybody, because, uh,
we're Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy.
Gotham City's Best-est, Most Titillating-est,
Most Exciting-est Couple ever!
Oh, shit. I got cream cheese on my good hoodie.
[theme music playing]
Okay, what about pizza?
- I don't know, it depends. - [screaming]
- From where? - Primo 'Za or Mangia Time?
Which one has the tangy sauce?
- Primo 'Za. - Then not that one.
- [splashing] - Ugh.
- Riddler and Clock King. - Ew.
Matching outfits. So sad.
Harley! Ivy!
Look at those matching outfits. Adorbs.
[Clock King] Ah! About time you joined us
for a couple's jog.
I would rather die.
Riddle me this.
What's two, yet one?
What's dead, but hasn't ended?
What passes time, yet never moves?
[Clock King] Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.
Oh! A couple in a rut!
Your words, not mine.
That is a shitty riddle.
Would've gotten it with two more seconds.
Hey, you know I'm a birthday brat.
Why didn't you come to my party last week?
[Clock King] Oh, sweetie, I didn't invite them.
You know they never go out anymore.
Everyone knows they've clocked out.
Okay, that is two clock jokes now,
you're not gettin' a third.
And we go out. We go out.
We get coffee, and we go...
back to our place and never leave and--
[Clock King] We, on the other hand...
Okay. That is three. The next one gets you hurt.
[Clock King] ...live very active couples lives.
Bar trivia every Wednes...
And I signed us up for one of those miniature golf leagues.
Mmm. Whatever it takes to keep the spark burning.
Else you end up one of those sexless, boring couples.
[Clock King] Not us, though.
Riddler always knows how to make my cock turn.
Clock. I think you mean clock.
[Clock King] I know what I said.
Ugh, those two are so smug.
What's with their working out
and those perfect asses? Like... [scoffs]
Hey, I know something fun we could do tonight.
[jazz music playing]
Welcome back to Nite Goss with Tawny!
Me. [chuckles]
Ah, you're right, Ivy.
Eatin' dinner where we sleep is fun.
I know, right?
Lois Lane is a Pulitzer Prize winner
whose expose on LexCorp
finally sent Lex Luthor to jail.
- [audience] Yay! - [Tawny] Now, Lois.
Does Superman wear underwear under the underwear
over the overwear, or is it a one-and-done deal?
Um, I thought I was here to talk
about my accomplishments.
- Nope! - [audience laughing]
Is it me or did Lois get her neck done?
Oh, yeah, they all get their neck done in Metropolis.
Do I have anything in my teeth?
[Tawny] Now, you're hosting the opening gala
of the Metropolis Superman Museum.
[chuckles]
Where's my invite, girl?
Sorry, it's a Metropolis-exclusive event.
All to celebrate our Big Blue Boy Scout,
and everything that helped him be the hero he is.
It's the most exciting event of the year.
Girl, don't tempt me.
This is like a comet, a once-in-a-lifetime event!
Oh, I wish I could go.
- We gotta go! - [plates breaking]
Uh, really? To that gala?
Yes! Think about it, Ive.
I mean, when's the last time we went out on a Saturday?
I think it was...
Uh, March, of last year.
Look, you heard Lois, okay?
It's a Metropolis exclusive.
She also said it's a celebration
of everythin' that helped him.
I saved Supes' life, remember?
And he never said "thank you."
And I am gettin' that "thank you."
And leave Gotham?
- [helicopter hovering] - [screeching]
- [explosion] - Come on.
You're always sayin' ya wanna go across the pond.
I meant Europe.
I don't know. You know?
Wh... What do you think, Catwoman?
Ugh. You're going.
- Please, please, please... - Ugh! Fine.
[squeals] Gotham City's Best-est,
Most Titillating-est, Most Exciting-est Couple
are going to the Big Apple!
It's the Big Apricot.
We're going to the Big Apricot!
[distant sirens wailing]
[orchestral music playing]
[whooshing]
- [reporters chattering] - [cameras clicking]
- [man] Ivy! Ivy! - [woman] Hello!
Man, it's been so long,
I forgot what it feels like to wear a dress.
But isn't it great to finally wear underwear again?
I don't know about great,
but, um... [clears throat]
Look at everyone. They're, like, smiling.
No one's fighting. How do people live like this?
I can't believe how good everyone smells here.
In Gotham, even the prettiest people smell like piss.
[Poison Ivy] Wow, they really just kinda went all out.
It's got that "new museum" smell.
[Harley] And it'll stay this way,
as long as I get that "thank you" from Superman.
I'm sorry, what was that last thing?
Oh, I just said that,
if he doesn't say "thank you" for saving his life,
I'm gonna lose my goddamn mind
and take a bat to everything!
Please don't tell me
you're making Superman's special night all about you?
- Oh, no! But, you know, I-- - But?
Ooh, bubbles!
Uh, excuse me.
How do you get all the chunks out of the water?
Chunks in the water?
Oh, dear. Where are we, Gotham City?
L'Chaim.
- [glass shatters] - [all gasping]
Oh, you guys recycle here?
Hey, baby? Look at me for a second?
Um, I feel like we should just stick to ourselves tonight.
Just 'cause we don't really know anyone here.
Bruce!
I knew it was you the moment I smelled
that sweet Gotham piss.
[whispers] Are ya here for a B-A-T thing?
These days I'm focusing more on what really matters.
My family...
business.
I decided to build the new Wayne Enterprises Tower here,
after the last one was destroyed by a moon laser.
Yada-yada. I can see I'm boring you.
The real reason I'm here is to support
my girlfriend, Lena.
She's always so busy.
It's nice to finally have a night out together.
Well, hello there!
Ya look so sophisticated.
And age-appropriate.
[scoffs] You want a medal, champ?
Giving Brucie proper comeuppance.
[laughs] Careful, don't boss him around too much,
or else he'll fall for you.
He likes to call me Martha.
[chuckles nervously] She's joking.
Uh, definitely joking...
It's so wonderful to meet some of Brucie's friends.
I was beginning to think this ol' grumpy Gus didn't have any.
I'm not grumpy. I'm stoic.
You're grumpy.
And don't correct me in front of people.
Yes, right, of course.
- [glass clinking] - Excuse me, everyone.
Oh, she did get her neck done.
Before we see the man of the hour,
or should I say,
the Man of Steel of the hour...
[coughs]
Hmm, I can win a Pulitzer Prize,
but I can't get a laugh.
I'd like to welcome tonight's benefactor,
the queen bee of Metropolis
who made this museum possible.
- Lena Luthor! - Lena Luthor?
Holy shit, that is Lex's sister.
Thank you. Oh, thank you, all.
You are too kind.
[chuckles]
Now, you're probably thinking,
"Gee. Isn't it ironic for a Luthor
to fund a Superman museum?"
But I assure you, I am not my brother.
I have a full head of hair.
[all laughing]
Hmm. A little obvious, but sure.
We have a wonderful night for you beautiful people.
Including a performance by the Cirque du Supes acrobatics,
followed by the unveiling
of the crown jewel of our collection,
the most cherished artifact in Superman history.
What do ya think the artifact is?
I hope it's not the ashes of Krypto the Superdog.
I heard he bit the Flash and they had to... You know.
No, no, the mutt's here. Look, look, look.
[camera shutter clicking]
[Harley] Hey, Supes! Supes!
Sup-er-man!
Supes!
He probably didn't see me.
The dude sees through walls.
That's a snub, babe.
Wha-- Screw that!
I didn't shave my pits to get snubbed.
[Jimmy Olsen] Help! Help!
I'll save you, Jimmy!
[screaming]
Ah...
Oh, never mind.
Got my bowtie jammed in this here automatic door
and the pressure was choking me to death.
Thankfully, one of these new-fangled
Automaton Sentries freed me
and gave me a chocolate-mint.
Guess I don't need ya, Mr. Superman, sir.
Ha! Oh, wow.
That's, uh, that's so great you don't need me, Jimmy.
So great.
Supes, I want that "thank you!"
[sentry] Scanning.
I could spit the mint out.
[sentry] You two don't have tickets for entry.
Gothamites don't belong here.
[both screaming]
[both grunting]
Ugh! You know, screw those hoity-toity cun--
Oh, my God. This mattress.
I believe in God now.
Can we bring it to the hotel and just watch Nite Goss,
order room service, stay in, and just--
No! That's what we always do.
I mean, ugh.
We can't let those yuppies win, okay?
They wanna ruin our night, we will ruin theirs.
We are breakin' into that museum
and stealin' their prized bullshit thingy!
Um, okay.
We will do that, right after this quick nap.
[performer] I don't know how Charlie and I
will get through this.
How can I go on, knowing he's thinking
about those big tentacles
the whole time we are making love?
It's a perfectly normal fetish.
- Oh! - [performers grunting]
You're into tentacles?
I was thinkin' about your vines. [humming]
- All right. [chuckles] - [woman grunts]
Oh, shit.
We need another way up there.
[Harley] Ugh, if only we could swing around
on those aerial silks without causin' a scene.
Hey! What the hell is--
We're not paying you to stand around.
We're paying you to swing around on those aerial silks.
[crowd gasp, murmuring]
- [thuds] - [Poison Ivy] Oh!
[both grunting]
- Whoa! - [grunts]
- [Poison Ivy] Ah. - [Harley exclaims]
[both grunting]
[Harley] Oh!
[both grunting]
[sighs] That didn't look great.
Ah! Hmm.
Thought there'd be an alarm or somethin'.
- This city's lazy. - [whooshing]
Hey, is that Superman?
- Sadly eating cookies? - [vacuuming]
Must be his cheat day.
[sentry] Drop the artifact.
- If you say so. - [clangs]
[sentry] Ah! Ah! Ah!
Kill the piss-smelling humans.
Oh, fuck off!
Sweating is the sign of a healthy body! Ha!
[sentries grunting]
- [Harley grunts] - [sentry] Ah!
- [zapping] - [Harley grunts]
[groans] There's no greenery in this damn museum!
Ah! Luckily,
I never leave home without a snack.
[warbling]
[zapping]
Ah, shit.
[grunts]
[grunts, exclaims]
[Harley] Ivy!
[crowd gasping]
[Poison Ivy] Nice move.
Yeah, that was hot, wasn't it?
- [Harley grunts] - [sentry] Ah!
- [thuds] - [electricity crackling]
- [all cheering] - [Harley grunts]
Harley, on your right!
- [zapping] - [grunts]
[Poison Ivy grunts]
- I should help. - Ha!
What are you gonna do, Brucie?
Let 'em have their fun.
[Harley grunts]
- [grunts] Ah! - [electricity crackling]
[whooshing]
[camera shutter clicking]
- [glass shatters] - [crashing]
[crowd cheering]
- [Poison Ivy grunts] - [cheering continues]
Holy shit, that was incredible!
I haven't felt like this in so long.
I know, godda-- I missed doing stuff like this with you.
It makes me wanna take you right here and just fu--
Oh, boy, here it comes.
Give it up for the stunt spectacular, everyone!
- [crowd cheering] - And now,
the unveiling of the cream of our Superman crop.
Superman's most cherished item.
His dirty underwear?
- His first cape. - [crowd] Aw.
The very blanket he was wrapped in
when he arrived on Earth.
Isn't it fab?
- That was my second guess. - [applauding]
- [reporters shouting] - [cameras clicking]
Hey, whoa. Hands off.
We gotta go. We gotta go.
She's all mine. Bye. We're going to the hotel.
Later. Bye. Right now.
What's wrong? Wasn't that incredible?
Aren't you excited and happy and completely fulfilled?
Hang on. Babe, is that what this was about?
Riddler and Clock King's
"losing the spark" bullshit? Come on.
It's not about them, it's about us!
We stay in all the time,
we stopped gettin' invited to things.
Hell, I stopped wearin' bras, and not in a sexy
"Ooh, I'm not wearin' a bra" way.
We used to be fireworks,
and now, we're piss-scented candles
waitin' to be all blown out.
I don't think I could survive us blowin' out.
Harley, you sweet, beautiful, dummy, dum-dum.
We don't need to manufacture fireworks between us.
Us sitting around the house, just bored?
That's the most exciting thing I can think of.
Aw, Ives. Mmm.
So you wanna go back to the hotel to sit around?
- [both moaning] - [Harley] Ooh.
[Harley squeals, giggles]
[moaning]
On second thought, maybe staying in all day
isn't such a bad idea.
- [knocking at door] - Mmm. No. [sobbing]
[gasps] We're the front page
of the most prestigious newspaper in the world!
That would be incredibly meaningful
if it was, like, 1998.
"Join me at the Tavern Over The Green at noon.
Lots of love, Lena."
Ah, no way. Are you kidding me?
I don't care how much she's spent on hair implants.
The Luthors? They're bad juju.
She'll probably pay for the meal.
God damn it. All right, hand me my underwear.
Not really a happenin' spot, huh?
[Lena] Actually, I rented it out.
I wanted to thank you both for taking my gala
to the next level last night.
[gasps] Enchantress' thingy?
The Heart of Darkness, huh? [inhales]
Yeah, no way I'm trusting a Luthor
who casually wears a necklace with a demon in it.
- Come on. Let's go, Harls. - Oh, we're going!
Wait... A demon?
I got this necklace from Sotheby's.
[both] Catwoman.
You're right to be apprehensive.
Luthors are notoriously wretched billionaires
who use their wealth for power and self-interest.
But not me.
All I want is to make sure
Metropolis remains the perfect City of Tomorrow.
Ivy, I must know,
what do you think of Centennial Park?
I may have run the committee that planned it.
I mean, you know, it's pretty good.
You told me it was, "the best use of green space
you've ever seen."
Okay, it's good.
But the rest of the city, you know,
it's all chrome and it's sterile.
There's zero greenery elsewhere.
The museum, even.
This rooftop. It's just... It's depressing.
Oh, God, you're right.
Okay, well, what would you suggest we do about that?
[grunting]
[vines creaking]
[vines whooshing]
[sniffs, gasps]
[explosion]
[laughing maniacally]
I am Eclipso,
the Spirit of God's Wrath.
I will have my vengeance--
- [Harley grunts] - [Eclipso] Oh, shit.
- [Lena] Ah! - Oh, shit.
I am so sorry. I got...
[chuckles] ...a little bit carried away.
- And I didn't mean to-- - Oh, marvelous!
I loved it.
- I love you! - Okay, ew.
Oh, and I love you!
You are just completely unpredictable!
Much obliged?
I'm sorry, so are you not upset about the diamond?
Or the demon blood all over your fab Gucci dress?
[laughs] I was gonna burn this anyway.
I never repeat an outfit.
Yeah, no, I... I've only worn this once.
You two are exactly what we need here.
Trouble? Where's the trouble? I heard a demon.
Where is he? Let me at 'im!
- [thuds] - Oh.
You took care of it. Cool. Cool.
Guess you don't need me anymore either.
Nobody needs me anymore.
- [sighs] - I'll take one for the team.
So, I'm thinkin' of breakin' into
the Metropolis Federal Reserve.
Uh, I just said I'm gonna rob a bank
and ya didn't even blink.
I know you're not serious.
Your heart's beating too slow.
And with the city's new Automaton Security System,
they'd stop you before you even entered.
What? Those chrome-domes didn't stop me
from breakin' into your museum and stealin' your baby blankie.
Yeah, they did.
My blanket's still safe in the museum.
The System calculated that the best way to stop you
was to let you "win."
Crime isn't possible here anymore.
That museum isn't a testament to my achievements.
It's a tomb, and I'm a relic.
- Okay. That sucks. - Yeah. It sucks.
Sounds to me like you're in a rut.
You spent so long defining yourself
by your career, your goals.
But a rut doesn't mean life's ending, okay?
It means you need a new beginning.
When's the last time you took a vacation?
A few months ago, I went to space
to alter the Earth's rotation
and turn back time to undo Lois' death.
Okay. When's the last time you went to space for fun?
Metropolis may not need Superman,
but you know who does?
Superman.
Wow. You are so toned.
I've never taken a break.
Who am I if I'm not Superman?
Figuring that out
sounds like the adventure of a lifetime.
Gosh darnit, you're right!
It's time Superman went on sabbatical!
And I think I'll take that cool reporter,
Clark Kent, with me.
[chuckles]
Huh. That's the second time you've saved me, Harley.
[whooshing]
And still no "thank you."
And with that, Supes peaced out.
Oh, wait, and get this.
Superman is totally cheatin' on Lois
with some guy named Clark Kent.
So, I've heard they spend a lot of time together,
but no one ever sees them in the same room.
Kinda like they're hiding.
Hiding from Lois.
[both laughing]
Ah. I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I think I'm gonna miss this view.
[Harley sighs] Too bad we're goin' back to Gotham.
[both] I think we should stay.
[both] You wanna stay? 'Cause I was thinkin'--
Okay, we gotta stop talking at the same time. Let me just--
While you were with Supes,
Lena made me an offer
to run the Metropolis Green Initiative.
Oh, my God, Ives. That's incredible!
That's perfect for you. What is it?
You know the garden I made? Okay.
We're gonna do that to the whole city.
I get to turn this silver city
into the greenest place on Earth.
They don't view me as a villain.
They get it. They get what I'm trying to do.
I feel the same. I like me here.
I like us here.
Maybe Metropolis is just what we need, a fresh start.
[gasps]
We should buy a condo here!
You already bought a condo, didn't you?
I couldn't turn down the offer.
It was an 8.5%, jumbo 50-year ARM.
Wait, what asshole would give you such a horrible--
- Oh, it was Bruce Wayne. - It was Bruce.
- He's got a building. Yeah. - [sighs]
- Fuck it! I'm in. - [laughs]
I'm all in with you.
Dang. I thought you'd need way more convincin'
to be this spontaneous.
Ey, guess you're kinda rubbing off on me.
[both moaning]
Oh, and I got us appointments with Lois' neck person.
Whoo! You hear that, Big Apricot?
Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy are gettin' new necks,
and movin' to Metropolis!
[sentries whirring]
[zapping]
[zapping continues]
[sentries whirring]
[frequency tuning]
[powering up]
[warbling]
[computer beeping]
...movin' to Metropolis!
[beeping, buzzing]
What. A. Mess.
[theme music playing]