[Harley] What's on the docket for today?
So you know that thing I was referring to?
Oh, the rash. Oh, don't worry.
I used to get those all the time
when I was with men.
Let's get back to the skull we've been dreaming about.
Is it weird I'm starting to have sex dreams about it?
You too? Thank God.
Okay. Anyway, I think the skull is somehow related
to the strange shit that's been going on around here.
Really? Like what? Oh, hold that thought.
Hot dog stand!
But my point is that the murder of Jason Woodrue
and all the general weirdness in Metropolis
all started at the same time
people began having these skull dreams.
Okay, I don't think the skull dreams
and Woodrue's murder are related.
He was a giant dick.
That's why Ivy and I killed him.
[gasps]
Oh, shit!
- Taxi! - You can't write that.
- Ow! - That murder confession
was off the record.
You have to say it's off the record
or else it's on the record.
I'm going to the Daily Planet.
- Hey! - I take it back! And... And...
- And that's on the record! - Ugh!
There's no takesies-backsies in journalism.
You call that shit you write about Clayface's
stupid one-man shows "journalism"?
Perry White forced me to write those.
And for the record, I won a fucking Pulitzer!
And I won best non-singing role in a musical
in my Jewish Camp production of The Sound of Music.
So take that,
Ms. Pulitzer Winning, This Isn't My Real Neck Lane!
[gasps]
[grunts]
Wow. I did not think Lois had it in her.
You must have really pissed her off.
You said something about that fucking neck, didn't you?
So? So?
She was going on and on about her stupid Pulitzer
when I'm the one who won...
[both] Best non-singing role in a musical
for The Sound of Music.
- I know. - If it was non-singing?
I guess you didn't play Maria.
No, she played the Hill.
The fucking Hill is not a character!
- No shit. - Yes, it is!
The Hills are alive, you assholes!
You can't be alive without being a character, okay?
- [crying] - Yeah. What the fuck, Frank?
Of course, the Hills are alive.
I mean, that's what the whole thing is about. So...
I'm willing to bet you never saw it, did you?
Shut up, Frank.
I'm not the one who made Harley cry.
You made Harley cry.
You the fuck made the waterworks
come out of face. I didn't do that!
I am not crying because of you, okay?
It's just that being in that play,
was my happy place to get away from my parents,
who were literally trying to murder each other.
And, oh, my God, what am I even doing with my life?
[crying]
You see that right there? Huh?
That's crazy talk she just talked.
That's how you talk sometimes, Ivy.
Frank, uh... Stop it. Okay?
Baby, don't cry. Come here. Peanut? Listen.
You are a famous, successful, gorgeous
supervillain/superhero, right?
Yeah, but Lois won a Pulitzer,
you're the head of the Green Initiative,
whatever the hell that is.
And Frank owns some motel.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Motel?
You mean a resort so fancy,
our massages don't even have happy endings.
They just end. That's the definition of class.
[kisses] Oui, oui!
And then there's me.
What do I do?
I just sit at home all day and talk shit about people.
[gasps] Oh, my God!
I'm a housewife!
No-- Hey, you're not a good one.
Okay? The dishes are filthy...
No cookies baking in that oven.
And the last time you did laundry, this happened.
Even the Daily Planet agrees.
Says here you're really a murderer!
What?
[dramatic music plays]
Forty-eight!
So you're not 48?
Do I look like a fossil to you?
Also, I never technically confessed
to killing Jason Woodrue.
Lois really screwed the pooch on that one.
Well, I doubt it was Lois's fault.
Perhaps you've heard she has a Pool-itzer?
[laughs]
Oh, knock off the shit, Clayface.
Clayface?
[whimpers] What?
You mean the genius who performs
one-man shows by himself?
- [laughs] - I know it's you, dumbass.
You want me to tell your secret to the whole bullpen,
or you wanna stop fucking around?
How did you know?
I thought my Perry White character was impenetrable.
Oh, it's very penetrable.
The dumb voice, the snotty way you pronounce "Pool-itzer",
the general douchey-ness.
I'm with you on Pool-itzer,
but I do think the douchey part was uncalled for.
Shut up, Bane. No one asked you.
I've literally only said one thing.
I'm just sitting here quietly, eating pistachio.
Then shove some more under that ridiculous luchador mask
while I ask Harley...
What would you have me do?
Make Lois print a retraction.
Ms. Lane! Come on.
Oh, what now? Yeah, Perry?
You have slandered Ms. Quinn.
You called her a murderer.
And 48!
An elderly murderer,
on the front page of a paper dedicated to celebrating
the brilliance of this Clayface fella,
who's definitely not me. [laughs]
Print a retraction immediately!
Hell, no! I won a--
[all] A fucking Pulitzer! We know!
See? No one cares, Lois.
You don't wanna believe me? Fine.
But that murder is part of something bigger
going on in Metropolis, Perry.
Something catastrophic.
And I will find out what.
I don't know, Harley,
I mean, if something catastrophic is going on...
What's that, Clay?
I was just about to tell Ms. Lane
to stop falsely accusing Harley,
because nothing catastrophic
is about to happen in Metropolis.
That's it. I, Lois Joanne Lane,
quit the Daily Planet.
Oh! That's Lady Gaga's middle name.
Look how adorable Harley is.
Disagree. Their murder and mayhem
has plummeted my perfection meter.
If it keeps falling,
I will never be able to bottle the city.
- [Koko mumbles] - What is that, Koko?
[Koko mumbles]
Koko thinks this would not have happened
if you did not stop me from killing them earlier.
Because Harley and Ivy are the only ones
who are any fun in this stupid city.
Huh? Ah!
Koko says you are lying.
There is more to it.
- Oh, fuck Koko. - [gasps]
Just bottle the goddamn city already,
so I can start ruling it, like you promised.
I will, when it is perfect.
Oh, like you?
What do you know about perfect?
You're the one talking to a dead monkey.
- Koko is not dead! - Oh, no?
- Then what are these? [grunts] - Stop that!
Stop what? Throwing your dead monkey at you.
If he's so alive, what are these bones from?
Stop that! You are upsetting him!
And you are crazy.
Crazy?
I am not crazy.
I am infallible!
Then why did you need me?
I'll tell you why.
Because you don't understand humans.
Your fucking perfection meter was in the shitter
when you came begging for my help.
Get off my ship!
You are no longer needed.
Wait, what? No, we had a deal.
You promised me I could rule Metropolis.
And now I un-promise you.
You're a fake and a liar!
You're just a stupid, lying robot!
And you are just an ordinary human
who will reside, frozen in a bottle.
Just like all the others.
How dare you? We had a deal, you...
Goodbye, Lena Luthor.
It's all right, Koko.
The nasty lady has gone.
...slimy little shit!
Oh, didn't hear you come in.
Did you get me that hemorrhoid cream?
The one with aloe, because it's "better on the burn"?
[screams]
But I was planning pickleball with Betty and Goldi.
Oh! Hi, Lena.
Love your statement necklace.
Yeah. We were just talking about this catastrophic thing
that might happen to Metropolis.
Oh, it's happening.
Unless we do something to stop it.
You know what's going on with the skulls and stuff?
Mmm-hmm. Everything.
Then tell us everything.
Okay. It all started when...
...and Brainiac needed a human to help him understand
how humans function, and he asked me.
Now, at the time, of course,
I did not know he was a straight-up villain.
So, yeah, he's a perfection freak
with a fetish for bottling cities.
Fingers super crossed, it is not butt stuff.
...and lastly, you type in the hyper-ray code,
1111, spin the dial, hit the button,
shrinky-shrinky, and the ship bottles Metropolis. Done.
Well, if that wasn't everything,
then we need to change the definition of everything.
It's been four hours,
and I didn't even get up once to use the little boy's room.
And that's with my trick bladder.
I have a question. Are you fucking this robot?
Please.
Hmm? So just hand stuff?
Harley!
I would like to ask a legitimate question.
Why tell us?
We are but lowly scribes,
ink-stained wretches crying into the eternal dark.
What could we possibly do to help you
that a superhero could not?
The power of the press is the power of the people,
and that is a force no superhero can equal.
My, God. She's weaponized the power of rhyme.
I am trusting you three with my life.
Promise me you'll use what I've told you
to protect Metropolis and destroy brainiac.
I assure you, my dear, we shall.
Thank you. That's all I ask.
Through theater! [laughs]
A play? I mean, I'm sorry. I just trying to figure out
how a play is going to stop a supervillain.
Theater can change lives, Ivy.
I mean Wicked, Les Mis, Sound of Music!
Mamma Mia! Remember all those Greek mothers
that like to get their fuck on?
Whoo! Mamma mia!
- Frank! - Come on, Ivy.
Get in the spirit.
Theater is Harley's happy place.
Which is why I'm gonna star in...
Brainiac-comma-The-Tragedy-Of.
Oof. That's the title?
I know, but I will transcend it.
All my Sound Of Music training
has really primed me for this moment.
Here's a question for you, Fraulein.
If this Brainiac is gonna bottle the city,
why the fuck aren't we getting out of the city?
We will right after the play.
Just like the Von Trapps did with the Nazis.
They sang for them and then ran to Switzerland,
which is what we're gonna do, except,
you know, not Switzerland.
We're leaving right after we inspire
the people of Metropolis to rise up against Brainiac.
When you say "we"
you want me to be in the play with you or...
Oh, no, no, no, no. I've seen you act.
[gags]
Oh, come on, Frank. Really?
I love you, Ivy. I'm just keeping it real.
Anyway, Clayface is Brainiac,
there's some drunk playing Koko,
and I am gonna play Lena.
And Clayface gave you this part?
Technically, no. But he will after he sees
that I am the best. [chuckles]
[gasps] My best non-singing role in a musical award!
That's irreplaceable!
[mumbling]
And remember, when in doubt,
load it up with exposition and backstory.
That stuff is boring and no one gives a shit!
There needs to be conflict and drive.
If you add too much conflict,
the only driving the audience will do
is out of the theater.
Who cares? No one's gonna see
your stupid play anyway.
[gasps]
It will get the spritzing
until it behaves, Mr. Perry White.
Oh, and Bane, I had a little thought in the shower.
Instead of a dreary old play,
let's make it musical!
- [laughs] - I hate musicals!
Everyone will wonder, "Why are they singing,"
and not just talking like regular people?"
♪ I think real people Talk like this ♪
♪ Look at me ♪
♪ A singing, talking joll-la-la-la-la-ly! ♪
- [vocalizing] - That is not a real song.
And you are not a real person.
You are just a giant clay monster!
God! Will you two shut the fuck up already?
It stops talking or it gets the spritz.
- [groans] - Spritz. Spritz.
Good Lord! I can't waste any more time writing.
I leave that to you ink-stained pit dwellers.
If you meant that to hurt,
you succeeded.
And now I'm off to audition leading ladies.
I hear Ms. Idina Menzel
is literally frothing at the mouth
for a chance to be my Lena.
And that woman is 80% mouse.
[laughs]
Hey, Bane. I got nothing to do,
so if you want help with the script...
Mmm... You are no writer, Perry White.
That's why you didn't know the scene was over
when Clayface left the room.
♪ I'm Lena... ♪
Thank you. Goodbye. Next!
♪ I'm Lena... ♪
Thank you. Now get out!
[gulps]
What are you all staring at? She said go!
- This is bullshit! - Wait! Where are you going?
No casting decisions have been made.
Yes, they have. Me, I am your Lena.
Now, where is my dressing room?
Harley, you may be good at bashing heads
and dropping F bombs,
but singing is not your forte.
Don't you talk about Harley's forte.
She's been working hard to drop a couple of pounds
off that forte.
[grunting]
Imagine if that seat was your Clayface.
Harley. Harley. Violence is not the answer.
Then how about blackmail?
I'll just call the newsroom and tell them
that Perry White is actually--
You're hired!
Welcome, Ms. Quinzel to the cast of...
Brainiac-comma-The-Tragedy-Of hyphen-The-Musical.
I have some thoughts on the script.
- [sneezes] - [gasps]
[Brainiac yawns]
What?
Oof, if this bombs, I will 'splode this place.
- Bane! - Oh, Jesus!
This line where Lena says to Brainiac,
"We had a deal. You promised me I could protect Metropolis."
Yeah, what about it?
Lena doesn't need Brainiac's "okay" to do something, okay?
She drives the story.
She doesn't whine to Brainiac like a fucking baby!
But she literally said exactly that
when she was telling us about--
I don't care what she said,
I care what I am saying.
And what I am saying is that this is garbage
and I won't say it!
Yeah, but the integrity of our--
Integrity? This is theater, Bane!
No one cares about integrity!
It's all about hot people with great voices,
who drive the fucking story!
Fix it!
[melancholy music plays]
- Well, congratulations. - [music stops]
I see you've managed to piss off our leading lady.
She wanted to rewrite a critical plot line.
Said the soon-to-be unemployed writer.
Get on it. Now!
Where is Andy Serkis who's playing Koko?
You talking about the actor dude?
Haven't seen him. I hope nobody ate him.
[groans]
Shit! Okay, real talk? I skipped lunch.
Damn you, Frank the Plant!
You want real talk
like some sassy tween from the 1960s?
Well, I have so some swell news for you, Daddio.
Tonight, you will be playing the part of Koko.
Koko? He's a goddamn monkey.
He's not a monkey.
He's a space alien
and the confidante of Brainiac.
Yeah, well, I'm confidante that I'm not doing it.
Oh, you'll do it and you will like it!
This is my Maria moment.
And you are not gonna stop me from singing.
You're not going to sing even if you do get to sing
because you cannot sing!
Oh, so what? Neither can Lena.
Jesus, this thing is a clown show.
I told them my story
so they could do something about it.
Oh, they did. It's this.
As soon as Harley resolves her childhood issues on stage,
she, Frank and I are gonna get the hell out of dodge.
- There you are. - [both gasp]
Do not sneak up on us like that.
Wait, you're playing me, right?
I would never wear that blazer.
Clayface doesn't look anything like Brainiac,
but, you know, acting.
Aren't you supposed to be backstage right now?
I sure am. Right after I tell the love of my life
that I love her more than life itself.
Aw, I love you too, Peanut.
Break a leg tonight, okay?
Oh, I will. And it'll be Bane's.
[giggles] Mwah!
- There you are, Harley! - [all gasp]
Get on your mark this instant, for it is now,
showtime!
[applause]
♪ I am Brainiac ♪
♪ Some call me Maniac ♪
♪ Gotta high IQ ♪
♪ Which should worry you ♪
♪ 'Cause I might attack! ♪
♪ Came back And my fa-ma-mily was gone ♪
♪ All destroyed My wife and my spawn ♪
♪ With my intellect ♪
♪ Cities I perfect ♪
♪ I do it alone ♪
♪ But I'm not on my own 'Cause I got... ♪
♪ Koko ♪
♪ I am Koko ♪
♪ The other was a no-show ♪
♪ So I am Koko ♪
♪ I might be God ♪
♪ Might be the devil ♪
♪ Koko is great ♪
♪ But need someone On my level, like... ♪
♪ Lena ♪
♪ Sister of Lex ♪
♪ With me forever ♪
- ♪ Like herpes Simplex ♪ - ♪ Beautiful Lena ♪
♪ You are my Queen-a ♪
♪ I am Koko ♪
Ugh! This is literally the worst song I've ever heard.
I don't know. I think it's kind of catchy.
♪ Beautiful Lena ♪
♪ I am Koko ♪
♪ I am Brainiac ♪
♪ Some call me maniac ♪
♪ Watch out I might attack! ♪
Holy shit! [chuckles]
They really love it.
Well, they shouldn't.
They should be scared shitless.
♪ Type in the code ♪
♪ 1111, now spin that dial ♪
♪ You're close to heaven! ♪
[all gasp]
Hate to be the bearer of bad news,
but I'm dying.
Right... [groaning]
[melancholy music plays]
...now!
[all gasp]
This stubborn motherfucker
won't even accept that I'm dead.
Wonder how long that will go on for.
Huh? [gasps]
♪ My bestie Lives only in my head ♪
♪ For centuries He has been dead ♪
♪ The truth decoded ♪
♪ Reality 'sploded ♪
♪ Along with my heart! ♪
Hmm. Huh? I see you
flirting with Frank, you dirty little poinsettia.
Good thing I bought my cum rag.
♪ ...heart! ♪
♪ How long Have you been dead? ♪
♪ Fig-ment in my head ♪
♪ You once were Koko ♪
♪ Made me loco ♪
♪ 'Sploded my heart! ♪
[Frank panting]
[all gasp]
Lord! Frank. Have you no shame?
Hey, man, sometimes you just gotta get the poison out.
Animal!
I mean, I gotta tell you,
Brainiac is way more sympathetic
than you make them out to be.
That's not Brainiac.
That's Clayface, making the villain
more likable for theatrical purposes.
Trust me, the real Brainiac is a monster.
Do you believe this, Koko?
Even they think you are actually dead.
[whimpering]
Koko!
[sobs] Where did you go?
[sobbing]
Koko.
Koko, my precious...
Koko!
Oh, no. Oh, Koko is like his only friend.
Would you stop liking Brainiac?
[man shushes]
He's a psychopath and a liar
who promises you the world and then zaps you off his ship
to discuss hemorrhoid cream with Bruce.
[man shushing]
No, I'm just... I'm saying,
that he loved Koko for centuries,
and discovering he's really dead
is enough to just drive him...
Crazy...
Am I crazy?
♪ Yes, I'm crazy! ♪
♪ I've truly gone mad! ♪
♪ It's time I hit the bottle ♪
♪ Start my plan And go full throttle ♪
♪ My brain's a bust! ♪
♪ So now I must... ♪
♪ Bottle Metropolis! ♪
♪ No one can stop-o-lus! ♪
♪ Bottle Metropolis ♪
♪ Metropolis! ♪
♪ Metrop-o-lus! ♪
[Harley] Oh, thank you.
Oh, my goodness. Thank you so much!
You're killing it, Harley!
You too, Frank.
I love you!
Nobody is killing Brainiac,
and this stupid play is not helping.
Ugh! I need some air.
Who cares about Metropolis anymore?
With Koko dead and Lena gone,
and me,
let's face it, insane,
I only have you talk to.
I do not know if you know what it is like
to lose what you love the most.
How it makes you feel.
How nothing even matters anymore.
I am sure none of them know what this pain is like.
[Harley screams]
Frank!
Frank, say something!
Help me! Someone help, he's dying!
[all gasp]
What's going on? This isn't a part of my story.
I... I don't know. I...
No.
No!
No, no, no, no, no!
Ive! Ive, do something.
He's dying!
I'm trying. I'm trying, god damn it!
Hey, Frank, look at me. Look at me, look at me.
You stay with me, okay?
Don't fucking die on me!
[breathing heavily]
I love you...
Mom. [exhales]
Please don't die on me. Look at me, Frank.
Frank. No.
No, Frank, no!
[sobbing] No.
No!
[sobbing]
No, Frank.
She knows what it is like now.
[theme music playing]