♪♪
Aw, shit.
There we go.
What is this?
What’s that?
Oh boy!
Whoa!
- Whoa! - What?!
Holy fuck, Graham Greene?
I’m Graham Greene. I’m the head producer.
Hey. How are ya?
Holy shit!
Is, is, this Graham Greene?
For real?
Alright, listen up, you lint pickin’,
butt scratchin’ sons of bitches.
I am hard and because I am hard you will not like me.
He’s hard!
Mmm.
I’m going to congratulate you for being the top comedians
who did not laugh over those flat dicks and their shit jokes.
I can’t believe these words are coming out of his mouth.
What’s your major malfunction, numbnuts?
Do you think I’m cute? Do you like staring at my butt?
I’ll be watching you.
Okay. Yes, sir.
I was teetering. Oh man.
It’s so funny because it’s Graham Greene saying it.
Oh, I see. You wanna be halfway.
You know what halfway is?
Halfway’s a bum that doesn’t finish anything.
A plastic bag half full of dog shit.
Graham Greene, he just starts
calling us all bags of shit.
Trevor, you’re fucked buddy.
I know funny.
You think sitting across from Costner
watching him tryin’ to act, not breaking up is easy?
- Damn. - Whoa!
Bull butter!
This is so surreal.
This is a spin off called
"Discomfort with Canada’s Top Actors."
"Coming up next Colm Feore and Anal Leakage."
Well, you see my ass is leaking,
just a little bit over here and a little bit over there.
I love Graham Greene. That was disturbing.
And mystifying.
You’re not here to sit around like
a bunch of drunk hyenas and laugh.
Graham Greene was angry with us.
I mean... that’s kinda neat.
This would get me. This would get me.
Let’s crank things up a notch shall we?
Oh.
What in the name of Aunt Tilly’s nightgown do you want?
What the heck’s going on?
Hi everybody, how’s it going?
- Uh oh. - Good.
Thank you very much, Graham. Graham Greene, everybody.
Thank you.
Yes. Graham Greene. Legend. Legend.
That was rad.
The show would not have been complete
without Graham Greene berating you.
That marks the halfway point and there’s only two people left
who are absolutely cardless.
Brandon.
And Tom.
Uh-huh.
Not a single card has been given to either of them.
It would behoove those of you who have been carded
to try and fuck with them.
Ohh.
Great.
Yeah, that’s what, that’s why I’m here.
Uh huh. Uh oh.
Throw me under the bus, Jay Baruchel.
So guys. Game on. I’ll see you guys in a bit.
Thanks for having me, everybody.
Bye!
Excuse me.
So here’s the deal:
Colin, Jon, Andrew and K. Trevor all have yellow cards
while Tom and Brandon still have spotless resumes.
And I’m stuck in the lodge with everyone else who shit the bed.
Oh, Lord. Oh Lord, Tom.
I think Brandon’s gonna win.
I don’t think he’s found any of this funny.
Nothing.
It’s going to be a tough time.
It’s gonna be a tough time.
I gotta, like, battle these people.
The vultures are coming.
Like how do you fuck with Tom Green?
You’re dead on the inside, right?
I don’t know. Hmm.
I don’t know.
What do you find funny?
I have been on a sort of razor blade’s edge. Uh...
- Yeah. Yeah. - This entire time.
It’s a good poker face though.
I’m gonna keep a straight face.
I’m gonna have no fun ’cause that’s the kinda guy I am.
A humourless, straight-faced,
unfun individual.
Yeah.
I’m gonna go get some water.
Anyone want a glass of water?
Eh, that’s a good strategy. Interesting strategy.
Yeah. Yeah.
Since there’s been a lot of music.
I feel that this is my chance to do a little dance
for you, my new friends.
- Mmmm. - Oh, thank you.
Very excited to see it.
Colin wants the band!
Because I think he’s stepping up to the challenge
of taking down Tom and Brandon.
All right, guys.
Wooo.
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh... Wipeout ♪
Trevor! What is that face?
Trevor and Jon!
He’s gonna hurt himself.
Oh! Jon!
Jon is so close.
He’s good.
He’s, errr, very good. One of the best.
Wipeout!
How do you not laugh at that?
Are you not a human being?
Are you not alive?
One more time.
Oh God! Did he just say "One more time?"
Yes!
I’m dying.
I saw Tom’s eyes light up
a little bit at the humping of the table.
The humping the table.
That was tough for me.
Colin, of course, having done so much improvisation
and having the ability to get very silly like that,
I’m in danger territory.
Why did Colin wait ’til now to be funny?
I could have been out an hour ago!
One of the things I’ve based my career on has been stamina.
Just hanging in there ’til everyone else quits or dies.
I was like wanna battle?
Wanna, wanna roll? Let’s roll, Colin!
Look at Jon.
Jon.
Jon!
Oh my goodness.
He’s throwing peanuts into his mouth
Oh my God...
Mmmm hmmm.
Woooo!
Oh Lord, it took everything in me
not to laugh at that.
Sixty four!
Colin, this one's for you!
Wooo. Whoa!
He caught that!
I’m gonna be over here for a while.
That was endurance my friend.
Woo!
I was on a razor blade edge there.
Oh my God. You’re all champions.
I thought Jon was going to actually vomit.
Me, too.
Oooh.
Oh my penis has never been so hard.
Mine, too.
Brandon’s an enigma.
I dunno what is gonna break that guy.
I want them all to team up on Brandon.
What the hell is wrong with you?
I suffered a heart attack and a partial stroke,
dancing just to make you laugh.
I tend to be, you know, fairly clean
but I thought okay I’m gonna have to go for it.
I was giving my fucking all, Brandon.
Oh shit!
This could be trouble for Brandon.
I thought I gotta get Brandon, I gotta get Brandon.
Canadian legend right here.
I can see. I know.
Canadian legend!
I’m so uncomfortable.
It’s all ok.
You’ve been a bad boy!
Unbreakable Ash-Mohammed, that is me.
That is I.
What does it take? Does it take jokes about Facebook?
Instagram? About tweeting of the stuff?
Internet? MySpace? Modem?
Dial up, motherfucker!
I don’t think I had dial up.
When I started making internet videos
you had to shoot ’em on a camera!
A camera!
Brandon is almost smiling, look!
When I started doing comedy, we had meat rations.
We could not eat meat. So we had to be funny on butter.
Butter shaped like lamb.
Butter shaped like lamb?
Look it up in your Google.
Well...
Make an old man happy.
One little laugh. One little smile.
Oh c’mon, nothing for that?
I might be able to win this. I might be able to win this now.
Uh oh.
I feel something’s happening.
- Uh-oh. - This is worrisome.
Um, alright, well, while we’re waiting, uh,
pfft, I don’t know this is,
eh, Patrick Stewart having an orgasm.
"I’m about to cum!"
Oh.
I’m just a little guy. There we go.
Where are you going for, uh, Canada Day this year?
Lake Titicaca?
He’s funny!
They’re just reacting very strangely.
Seriously.
It got a little weird.
It’s starting to feel like "Waiting for Godot"...
I’m just a little baby. Look at me.
And a couple tablespoons of "Fight Club".
Oh.
I’m very familiar with anatomy so I know where to put these.
That’s how Kim Kardashian was born.
I can say with certainty,
that has never aired on Canadian television before.
There was a Wayne and Shuster After Dark.
Wayne and Shuster’s ass-tits bit was very famous.
See, there’s no one old enough to laugh at that in there!
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
How are the walleye biting down at Lake Titicaca?
This is really where I thought my career
was going to end up, locked in a studio
talking to Tom Green with tit eyes.
♪ Comedy, comedy This is comedy ♪
Alright, time to raise the curtain.
Ooh.
Whoa oh. Uh oh. Uh oh.
- Oh! - Oh boy.
Oh, little seats.
Those are small chairs.
♪ What’s gonna happen? ♪
It seems like a major set up.
This is gonna be big.
I guess that’s it.
I’m not going to lie,
I thought something more was going to happen.
We have a smaller set now
which amused me, because why?
Right now one of the writers is being told
how much it cost to build the mini set.
Yes, that was, so that was worth five grand.
That was worth it right?
That was five grand for the mini set?
This bit’s got legs right?
Yeah.
Show of hands, who voted for the mini set?
Are we like rats right now?
We’re supposed to go, come over and...
Check it out?
Is it possible that nothing’s changed
and we’re just all losing our minds?
I think there’s a 60 percent chance
that that’s what’s happening.
Uh oh. The train’s running.
Three hours!
Three hours, we’re here.
I think I’m going to be the first one to shit here today.
Mmm. In the bathroom?
Yeah.
There’s no chance that I’d be able to do that.
- No. - It’s not that I want to.
Yeah, it’d be weird if you wanted to.
Oh no, not this again.
I’ve gotta fucking put an end to this.
Hi, I listen to CHUM.
Hi, hi, Trevor.
You’re gonna host a talk show called "Let’s Roll That Clip".
You will interview people, at any point in the interview
you will interrupt your guest and say
"Let’s roll that clip" and then they will show some videos.
Can do.
Alright buddy. See ya in a bit.
Thanks so much.
All right, guys, I am hosting a talk show now.
- Okay. - Okay.
A talk show game called "Let’s Roll That Clip".
My first guest is the legendary Tom Green.
Tom Green.
- Yeah, Tom Green. - Tom Green!
That actually would be a fucking good talk show.
Tom, I hear you do, uh, uh, movies and TV sometimes.
- Uh... I try. - What’s that like?
It’s a lot of fun. A lot of fun.
Yeah. I get to do things like this.
Like come on your show which is, uh...
Terrific! Let’s roll that clip!
Okay, let’s have a look.
Is that a movie or a TV show?
No, that’s just some home video actually.
Ooh.
Yeah that’s uh, that was before, uh, I started shaving.
Yeah. Oh my gosh. Okay.
I can’t believe you got this video of me and my sister.
Okay. I’m done!
- Mmm. - Uh oh!
Shit! Oh my god!
I’m out.
Whoa. There it is.
The good news is, I’m not gonna have to shit in here.
That is good news. That is great news.
The good die young.
I, I wonder who you’re here for?
Yeah...
Yeah... let’s, let’s roll that clip!
That was before, uh, I started shaving.
Yeah. Oh my gosh. Okay.
I can’t believe you got this video of me and my sister.
Okay. I’m done!
Ladies and gentlemen...
K. Trevor Wilson... red card! Eliminated.
Woo!
You all are amazing.
It has been lovely to work and meet with all of you.
- Alright, see you Trevor. - Woo.
I think I might have knocked out
more people than anybody.
Who’s counting? But I just, you know... three.
Thank you very much.
So let’s unpack this. How do you feel?
Yeah, well you know I lasted longer
than I thought I would actually.
Yeah?
And I wasn’t kidding, I really was
about to go take a shit, so...
I think it was better for everyone
that I went out when I did.
I don’t shit politely.
I, I, know who I am.
What? Now we’re locked in here with no bathroom?!
No longer mellow yellow, K. Trevor gets flushed
by Tom Green.
That’s three people Tom’s eliminated.
We’re now down to five.
Here we go again.
We got a little, uh, mid episode replacement.
K. Trevor Wilson’s bid adieu.
Uh, please welcome to the stage Colin Mochrie’s...
puppet.
- C’mon everybody! - Wooo.
We’re bringing him up to the stage.
Alright! There he is.
My marionette. A fan made it for me.
Although I think it kinda looks more like
Colm Feore than me but whatever.
So nice to, uh, be here Andrew.
Very, very happy to be here.
It’s so great having you, you know, you, uh,
your career has spanned many, many years
and you are here with, uh, with a new project.
- Yes. - Say no more. Roll that clip.
Alright.
It’s a man, uh, with a condom.
Mmm.
Who goes back in time to stop the birth of Tom Green’s sister.
Tom doesn’t wanna laugh.
And I guess what gave you the inspiration for that idea?
Uh, Tom Green.
He actually had, um, invested in a grant to study,
- uh, time travel... - Oh damn.
So in fact he could go back
and stop the birth of his sister,
so he could get the inheritance
to make his delicious cheese sandwiches.
- Delicious cheese sandwiches. - Oh!
- Delicious cheese sandwiches. - Delicious cheese sandwiches.
♪ Delicious cheese sandwiches Delicious cheese sandwiches ♪
The weirdest cult ever.
I don’t consider myself a piano player but...
I do like to tinkle on the ivories.
Take that however you want.
♪ My bum is on the dog My bum is on the cat ♪
♪ My bum is on the phone My bum is all alone ♪
I wrote the piano part, too.
It’s great. It’s great.
- Hello? - Hello?
What’s up? You wanted something?
Yeah, um, okay, yeah sure.
- No. Don’t do this to me. - Yeah, yeah yeah.
Don’t do this to me again.
- No, that’s not a problem. - Don’t do this to me again.
Yeah, it’s a little hard for this show
but, uh, we need new jokes in here.
You piece of shit.
Yeah, you too, buddy.
- You piece of shit. - You too. Yeah.
I’ll see you, too. Alright. Bye bye.
Um, so eh, Tom just for one second, uh,
Jay, he’s like ok it’s getting a little slow in here.
He wants to tell one joke.
Fucking hell.
God Dammit man.
So, uh, Jay... it’s not my joke,
Uh, he says, eh,
"Hey cancel culture’s getting outta hand, huh?"
Yeah, I mean, look, I get it.
Some people deserve to be cancelled
but I mean, Harvey Weinstein?
Yeah, they’re not laughing?
Yeah. Well, we’re not supposed to.
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah, I’ll try one later, another one later.
Yeah, you just call me if you have more jokes.
Okay, bye bye.
Dammit!
Uh oh. Who is it?
- Uh oh! - Uh oh!
- Who’s that? - Pizza?
- Uh oh. - Oh my gosh.
Oh.
Oh well look who it is.
You asshole.
The man who just walked in is one of my best friends,
Paul Sun-Hyung Lee.
My co-star in Kim’s Convenience.
He’s coming after me!
That’s like a really weird hallway.
Yeah. It is.
It’s like right outta Resident Evil.
Uh, I’m sorry I’m late. I have the pizzas.
Oh, I’ll, I’ll take them.
Ohhhhhh...
Oh boy.
Don’t worry.
But, uh, it’s still good! It’s, it’s, still good.
- Yeah. - Oh yeah?
The whole, like this, is just...
- Wow. Wow. - Ooh.
There you go. Perfect.
Here. Let me give you a hand.
Yes. Thank you.
It’s all good, it’s all good, it’s cool.
You though! I know you!
Is this it?
I loved you in Kim’s Cornerstore.
Thank you. I played the dad. On the show.
- The dad? - The dad. I played the...
- He’s a hack. - I played the father.
- The father? - Yeah.
What a fucking faker that guy was. Ho ho.
No, no, no I played the dad.
He was the biggest piece of shit.
That accent that he fucking used?
Holy shit! I couldn’t believe that.
Jon walked off camera.
Oh, Jon, Jon’s been slowly losing it.
Jon’s teetering on the edge.
- You, sir! - Mmmm hmmm.
Could use a slice of pizza.
Mmmm hmmm.
C’mon, Jon, have a slice of pizza.
Get in there. Get in there, brother.
- There you go. - Ooh ok.
- From the hand... - Yeah. Yeah.
That is so nice. There you go.
- Mmmm. - Oh. Very good. Yeah!
Mmmm.
A little Delta variant for ya there.
I gotta go, thank you gentlemen so much.
- Very good. - Great seeing you.
Again, I’m sorry for the pizzas.
Um, there is the matter of, uh, a tip?
A tip. Hmmm.
I’ll give you this titty?
There’s some of this slice left?
Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn’t eat that though.
Alright, thanks so much.
We didn’t catch your name by the way,
what’s, eh, what’s your name?
What’s your name, yeah?
Andrew Phung.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Andrew. Nice meeting you.
- That was awesome. - Bye Andrew.
Ooh. Ooh.
Yeah. That almost rocked me. That almost rocked me.
Ooh.
At this point Brandon has not laughed.
I didn’t know where to go.
I’d gone from all my classic bits
to like just shouting at Brandon,
this far from his face!
And still nothing.
Hi Brandon. Brandon. Come over here.
Okay.
I’m going to do the speech from the movie "Taken".
Oooh. Oooh.
Starring, uh, Liam Neeson.
- Oh yeah. - Let me take a seat.
But I’m gonna do it as Elmer Fudd.
- Okay. - Mmmm.
I’m just trying to find anything,
that’s going to do anything, any kind of a reaction.
Imagine he’s on the phone.
I don’t know who you are.
I don’t know what you want.
If you want ransom, I don’t have any money.
What I do have is
a very particular set of skills.
Skills that will be a nightmare for someone like you.
Oh, wow.
Oh, that’s right, you’re here!
If you let my daughter go now, I will not follow you.
Oh my God.
But if you do not...
I will look for you.
I will find you
and I will kill you.
Oh my God!
Tom is very Jack Nicholson
in the final third of The Shining right now.
Yes!
He’s starting to, he’s turning.
Are you alright?
I got a little too into it there.
That’s alright would you like a...
Delicious cheese sandwich?
- Sandwiches... - Don’t you. Don’t. Don’t.
- A delicious Kraft cheese? - No. No!
- Maybe cheddar? - Colin Mochrie.
- Maybe some nice old cheese? - Don’t you with your cheese.
Between two pieces of bread.
Don’t you with your cheese sandwich.
Delicious... Cheese...
Don’t you dare with your cheese sandwich!
Delicious cheese!
How dare you, Colin Mochrie,
with your cheese sandwich kryptonite.
Oh my God.
You know the chink in my armour.
My Achilles’ heel.
Delicious cheese. Delicious cheese.
The delicious cheese sandwich!
Sandwiches. Sandwiches. Delicious.
Delicious cheese sandwich!
Jon’s holding on for dear life.
He’s got a yellow card, doesn’t he?
Yeah, he does have a yellow.
This is insanity.
And you have to not laugh?
Impossible. So I’m screwed.
It’s the delicious cheese sandwich!
♪ Gimme a pen, so I can begin ♪
♪ To write a new rhyme, start a new trend ♪
♪ Sound the alarm, I’m dropping a bomb ♪
♪ Giving ya flashbacks like Vietnam ♪
♪ You wanna rhyme like mine? ♪
I can’t stop shitting.
I shit my pants thirty seconds ago.
Owww. Oh man.
Holy crap.
That really hurt.
- Oh! - Oh!
Oh boy.
- Who’s gone? Who is it? - I don’t know.
- Is it me? - Red carded and out.
Oh.
♪♪