[♪ upbeat jazzy music playing]
Attention, passengers! Wheels up at 0800 hours.
Arthur, we're only leaving for two days.
I'm well aware.
-Saturday, Sunday. -[suitcases clattering]
[Bunny chuckles]
Is that a makeup bag?
What do you prefer, bags here or bags here?
I don't know why you have to go all the way to Fire Island.
This is Palm Springs.
You wanna meet gay men?
Open the door and yell, "The Oscars are starting."
Syb, Fire Island was a special time in our lives.
It was so wholesome.
Spending a day at the beach, and cookouts,
meeting a cute guy, and splitting a mystery pill
you found on the dance floor at Fisty's.
I don't think there's a better gay club on the Eastern Seaboard than Fisty's.
You know, I still email with Cheryl Fisty?
Thank God that's somebody's last name.
We should get going. You gonna be okay here alone?
Want us to leave some water in a bowl for ya?
Arthur, I think it's wonderful
how you have the confidence of a man with hair.
No, I'll be fine. I can take care of myself.
What are you gonna do, Syb? Any special plans?
Mm, no, I don't know.
What do you do when you're home alone?
Oh!
I hate how comfortable you've all gotten with me.
[♪ upbeat music playing]
-[♪ dance music playing] -[indistinct chatter]
Uh, sorry I'm late. I wanted to finish unpacking.
Wow! Everything looks the same.
Not everything.
Should we get some drinks? Let's start a tab.
I'm sorry, do you think we're just gonna gloss over
the fact that you're suddenly six feet tall,
and the color of an old circus peanut?
Okay, so I augmented a skosh.
This place might have been Xanadu
for the two of you, but I wasn't so lucky.
While you were out enjoying romantic nights
hog-tied to a tree trunk and tickling each other's uglies...
I was alone at the Island Theater
weeping through the midnight showing of Free Willy.
Now, let's talk strategy.
I say we start with a couple of drinks,
then we assess the room, find our targets,
lie low, wait till they get close...
Are we trying to get laid or film a nature documentary?
I'm just saying, it's been a minute since we've been out in the wild,
-so it might take some time. -It might, but that's okay.
-We have all weekend to find somebody... -See you back at the house!
Like a white man hailing a cab.
Go away.
What are you talking about?
Blue shirt at the end of the bar just smiled at me.
Well, everyone loves an Oompa Loompa.
[clears throat] Excuse me.
Bring the guy in the blue shirt another of whatever he's drinking.
[singing] ♪ Somebody's gonna get hog-tied tonight ♪
♪ Hog-tied tonight, hog-tied tonight ♪
Bunny?
Bunny Schneiderman?
It's me, Carroll Mintz!
You're so tan!
Swipe left. Swipe left.
♪♪
[♪ dance music playing]
Why do all of these young, hot gay guys
insist on dressing like straight men?
They've co-opted the look of the people who bullied them.
[chair scraping]
But it was benign, thank God.
So, I said, "Leave it.
It's not gorgeous, but it's not gonna kill me."
And as long as I don't push, it won't bleed.
So, in answer to my question, you still live in Great Neck?
-See you later, Carroll. -Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Where you rushing off to? What, you got a roast in the oven?
-I wanna hear about you. -What can I say?
I've been here, but I wanna be over there.
-Now, you're all caught up. -Wait, wait, wait
Why don't we order some nachos and talk?
No, I really want to...
[Bunny groaning]
What? What just happened?
Nothing. Probably wouldn't have worked out anyway.
[groaning]
[scoffs] Yeah, definitely wouldn't have worked out.
♪♪
-This is so hot. -So hot.
We don't know one thing about each other.
We don't even know each other's names.
-Oh. I'm Jerry. -I'm Mason.
[both] Dang it!
Did we just ruin it?
No. No, I don't think we ruined it.
How do you even know Jerry's my real name?
-Hey, Jerry? -What?
♪♪
You have a broad perspective for someone
who hasn't actually lived through anything.
Excuse me. I've had my share of tragedy.
Please. You were what, four years old
-when the towers fell? -Yes, but I was 27
when This Is Me... Now from the dreams of Jennifer Lopez came out.
Thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers.
♪♪
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Yes, this is Sybil Schneiderman.
What, fraud? Oh, that's terrible.
Oh, of course I wanna secure my online banking.
What do you need?
Okay. Sure.
Yeah, password and social security number.
Okay, got it. You ready?
My password is "Eat my ass!"
Shame on you for scamming old people,
and me.
Let me ask you something, young lady.
Do you think your mother would be proud if she knew what you were doing?
Wait, are you crying?
[Jerry and Mason panting]
What?
Just, your undershirt.
-Uh, oh, it's... -No, I know what it is.
They're temple garments. You're Mormon.
Oh. [clearing throat]
Is... is that a problem?
No, no, not at all.
Actually, I used to be Mormon.
-[sighs] Okay. -But let's not get into that, okay?
-[both laughing] -We don't need to bring God into this.
[Mason] That's right.
-Mm, you said God. -I said God!
He's a really great guy.
-Like, good at creating stuff, but... -Mm.
Bit of a boner killer.
Do you think we could still...
No, no, we're done.
This sword is now a plowshare.
♪♪
There are two kinds of people in this world,
those who were born with taste,
and those who shouldn't have been born at all.
Ooh, child. That may be a bitch too far.
I'm quoting you. Vogue magazine, 2015.
I've read everything you've ever written.
I said something that nasty?
Turns out the devil wears fuchsia.
♪♪
[♪ upbeat music playing]
Why should he get a job?
He's got you out there scamming old ladies,
and me.
No, no, Crystal, I don't wanna hear his country rap demo.
I already know he stinks.
Listen sweetheart, I gotta pish.
Pish.
It's pee, but Jewish.
But I'm gonna tell you what to do. You leave that bum,
and you go to work with your girlfriend in that nail salon.
No, she doesn't hate you. But give her back her money.
You quit the scamming and you go back and live with your mom.
No, she doesn't hate you either.
But give her back her money.
Okay? Aw, you're welcome.
Oh, there's that lovely laugh.
♪♪
Ugh, get these away from me.
These? You left one nacho.
Well, alright.
You sure you don't want anything? You haven't eaten anything.
Hey, we could order those Fisty Twisty Fries.
No, Carroll! No!
I don't want Fisty Twisty Fries, or nachos, or anything else.
The only thing I wanted to put in my mouth left 20 minutes ago.
You're saying that like it's my fault.
Because it is. You cock-blocked me, Carroll.
You cock-blocked me real bad!
I'm so sorry, I had no idea.
Oh, I... I promise, it won't happen again.
I... I don't mean to lose my temper. It's just that I don't get to...
Gentlemen, up for the weekend?
-Hi. -Hi.
Excuse me, Mr. Selleck.
Can you see that we're in the middle of a conversation?
I'm sorry. Continue.
You just... you just did it again.
-Did what? -Cock-blocked me!
Oh, that's cock-blocking?
What did you think it was,
preventing roosters from calling your phone?
I didn't know.
I thought it had something to do with tile work.
That must be why I got so many strange looks
at the Home Depot.
[Bunny sighs]
Carroll.
Carroll, it... it's not you.
I mean, it is you, but it's...
[chuckles] I thought coming back to Fire Island
with, you know, maturity and success,
I'd finally get the kind of weekend I never had.
But I'm still me.
The guy who goes home alone.
What are you talking about?
Oh, come on, you were here.
Jerry, Arthur, and George always went home with someone,
and I ended up on a condom-covered beach
telling seagulls the plot summary of Lorenzo's Oil.
Oh, give me a break. That's not how it was.
You did very well.
In fact, we called you Queen B.
I wore that black and yellow jumpsuit one time.
That's not why, Bunny.
We called you Queen B because when all of the As
got paired off, you were queen of the Bs.
I was? Really?
Yeah. I remember you went home with the Glens,
Stigmatism Steve, Bacne Barry, Prolapse Pete.
I hate to think what time and gravity has done to that guy.
Why have I forgotten all that?
Because we're hardwired to only remember the rejections.
You were really hot stuff, my friend.
Oh, I was so jealous.
You know, in all the summers that I spent here,
I only had sex one and a half times.
-One and a half times? -Yeah.
It seems wrong to give a full point to a cousin.
Yes, that's what seems wrong.
[♪ upbeat jazzy music playing]
So, just like that, the church kicked you out?
Yeah. I was out, and then I was out.
You know, this is my, uh, my last hurrah.
I'm getting married next week, so from now on,
it's just sex with Rachel.
I hope I do it right.
Wait, you've never had sex with a woman?
No.
Well, I mean, it's sex with a woman,
-so it'll feel unnatural. -[sighing]
But you'll get through it.
Just close your eyes and think of Hamm.
-Hamm? -Jon Hamm.
Oh. [chuckles]
What's wrong with not accepting anything less than perfection?
Because you'll pay a price.
I spent too much time expecting elegance
and sophistication in every aspect of my life.
And you know what I got? Disappointment.
-Maybe that's just you. -Yes, Jordan.
If this conversation has proved anything,
it's that we are very, very different.
I have, on occasion, masked my insecurities
with an air of superiority.
But you're nothing like that, are you?
♪♪
I... I think it'll be okay. Rachel's a... a really great girl.
I'm sure she is.
But I kinda know how this story goes.
You get married, and a month from now she gets pregnant,
and that beautiful baby will make it seem like it's worth it.
But you keep coming to Fire Island.
And then someone finds out, and you don't see your daughter for 24 years.
That's your story?
[chuckles] Doesn't matter.
Hey, maybe this is just a phase, right? Or maybe you're bi.
I was always gay.
-When did you know? -Towel fashion shows for my sisters.
-[chuckles] -You know, you can make a...
a very simple sheath with a towel.
And I was a fat kid, so I could get cleavage.
Then I'd tuck a couple dollars in it like a real, live woman.
I used to do, uh, these terrycloth up-dos. [grunts]
And then I'd pretend I was the Bride of Frankenstein.
-[hissing] -[laughing]
Yeah, you're not bi.
You know, I-I don't think I could ever give up the church.
I'd miss it too much. Don't you?
No, I don't.
Maybe some of the people.
My mom.
[claps] Oh, God, the songs. You know, I miss the songs.
I used to kill it in choir... well, before my balls dropped.
[sings] ♪ Be still, my soul ♪
♪ The Lord is on thy side ♪
[both singing] ♪ With patience bear ♪
Yeah.
♪ Thy cross of grief or pain ♪
♪ Leave to thy God ♪
♪ To order and provide ♪
♪ In every change ♪
♪ He faithful will remain ♪
[♪ gentle music playing]
[♪ upbeat music playing]
Remember Toby Brady?
Oh, I wanted to marry that guy. He was so gorgeous.
I spent the whole summer trying to say hello.
Then one night, we're all in here,
and I'm ready to say, "Hello."
And you swoop in with your swagger
and your knowledge of show tunes, and you swept Toby Brady
right off those gorgeous, tiny feet.
So, I did it to you, too.
I'm so sorry, Carroll.
On the plus side, I saved you from a lifetime
of being called Carroll Brady.
At the end of the day,
who do you share your fabulous self with?
I thought so.
I just moved in with a squishy neurotic
and a mercilessly upbeat Ken doll.
They could not be further from perfection,
and I've never been happier.
And it only happened because I dropped the shield
and let them in.
Jordan, we are who we pretend to be,
so be careful what you pretend to be.
We're not gonna have sex, are we?
You're fabulous, Jordan,
but if I wanted to have sex with myself, I wouldn't have left my room.
Oh, God, he's back.
The guy I was sending a drink to when you ruined it.
I mean, greeted me warmly.
Him? That's the guy I was trying to talk to
right before I saw you.
Oh. So, uh...
Go ahead. He's all yours.
Bartender, I want something sweet.
What's in a Mai Tai? Because I can't have pineapple.
I'm on blood thinners and I also take baby aspirin.
You can read about it in my Grindr profile.
Robert, this is my dear friend Carroll.
-Carroll, this is Robert. -Hi, Carroll.
Hello.
What are those, size sevens?
Well, I'll leave you to it.
Oh, Bunny, Bunny.
Thank you, Bunny.
That's Queen B to you.
[♪ uplifting music playing]
Well, it was, uh, nice to meet you.
-Yeah. -Uh, no need to come down with me.
I'll just let myself out.
How can you still be a part of it?
They hate us.
Because they're human, and they're wrong.
But it doesn't mean that he is.
Yeah.
I don't know, it all kind of seems like a fairy tale now.
Yeah, I mean, if it is, it's a pretty good one.
That there's something up there that loves us
and believes in us,
that everything can be forgiven and fixed.
Every day, you get to start over and do it better.
It's a pretty nice universe to believe in.
Anyway.
Hey, Mason.
Good luck with the wedding, and... all of it.
Thanks.
And maybe don't do the towel thing for Rachel.
[♪ melancholy music playing]
You're really not gonna tell us the story of the one time you struck out?
It wasn't that interesting.
Unless you wanna talk about religion.
-No, thanks. -Pass!
I do have to say, I'm proud of myself.
But did you have to say it the whole flight?
It wasn't the weekend I planned on, but it counts as a success.
-For me, too. -Cheers to us.
-[glasses clinking] -Cheers.
Sounds like none of you got laid.
You are correct, sir.
Mother, how was your weekend?
Nice.
I did a little reading, watched some TV,
saved a life, made lamb chops.
[phone ringing]
Mom, this is you.
Oh, wait. Looks like a scam call.
No, no, no, no, no! I'll take it.
Hi, honey.
What? That's wonderful!
You left the bastard. Mazel tov.
Oh, you're welcome, sweetheart.
Oh, yes, I do give good advice.
Tell that to my son.
-Mm-hmm. -[Bunny scoffs]
Hello?
Uh-huh?
You want my password?
Sure.
E-A-T.
♪♪
M-Y...
[♪ upbeat music playing]
♪♪
[♪ music ends]
[voice] Let me talk to the boys.
[♪ fanfare playing]