[♪ gentle upbeat music playing]
Guys, we pickleballed for two full hours. Two!
And that's twice as much as last time, which was one.
I never thought I'd like swinging a paddle,
but I've taken to it like a stepdad in the military.
My whole life, I was afraid of sports.
Oh, and sports as a kid, forget it.
All that fear about not looking masculine enough,
trying not to run like Barbra Streisand in The Prince of Tides.
"Oh, Nick Nolte, don't throw me that ball."
"You'll break my nails."
[all] "Ball, nails! Ball, nails!"
I used to fake a tummy ache to get out of gym.
I'd go to the nurse's office and talk to her about her divorce.
Was Greg a heel? Yes.
Did I meet Greg 10 years later
and have a wild weekend with him in the Hamptons
while his miniature schnauzer Soy Sauce watched?
Maybe.
I used to hide in Mr. Finley's art room.
Luckily, he was also a closet case,
so we mostly just talked about our fake girlfriends.
Mine was in New York, his was in Paris.
I cried every time anyone threw me a ball,
but I'd just blame it on my love for Jesus.
You know, he had daddy issues too.
[♪ upbeat music playing]
We must have burnt like five, six, 7,000 calories.
Actually, we probably didn't burn that...
[Bunny and Arthur] Shut up, Jerry!
[phone dings]
Oh, Mindy will be back in a few minutes.
It's nice having her here, isn't it?
The best.
How many more sleeps till she leaves?
Not that I don't love having your sister here.
-I do. -But how many more sleeps?
I think I'm detecting a tone.
About time. I've had this tone for the last two days.
I was starting to think my inner bitch had died.
Oh, no, it's alive and well.
Guys, it's only temporary until she finds her own place.
-So, she's definitely moving here? -Oh, now I hear the bitch.
She hasn't decided yet, but it would be so good for her,
you know, to get her own place, work at the store,
maybe get into a tumultuous rebound relationship
with a scruffy 20-something who sleeps in his van.
Oh, I dated him. He's not right for her.
It's...
The point is, this week is crucial.
We're selling Palm Springs, so please, try to like her.
We do like her.
Mindy is like a rare bird that shouldn't be kept inside with us.
It's like Jurassic Park, right?
We all love the dinosaurs until they were ripping the roof off the car
and eating a guy on a toilet.
Come on, this is a tough time for her.
She just got divorced, the kids are gone.
Aw, that's true.
To be fair, you never really think of what the dinosaur is going through.
-Mindy's here! Hi! -[singing] ♪ There she is ♪
You have the enthusiasm of people who were just talking shit about me.
-Oh, nothing but love here. -[singing] ♪ There she is ♪
That's what I thought.
What's with the tennis outfits?
Did a Williams sister just come out?
No, we're pickleballers now.
Yes, pickleball is like if ping-pong and tennis had a baby
and it was being raised by old people.
I know what pickleball is, I love it.
I love any sport that you can kick an 80-year-old's ass
and win a trophy for it.
Where's Mom?
You remember the Marshalls? Alan and Isabelle?
Oh, sure, friends of Ma and Daddy's. Loved him, hated her.
Yeah, well, Isabelle's dead. So, happy?
I'm not unhappy.
Alan's in town, she went to meet him at his hotel.
Apparently, Isabelle left her something in her will.
Mom's terrified.
[laughing] Oh, that's right. Isabelle was a crafter.
For my Bat Mitzvah, she sent me a yarmulke with googly eyes glued to it.
I remember. You put it in your underwear
and asked everyone if they wanted to meet Rabbi Bushnick.
Anyway, did you see any places you liked?
-'Cause I can send you more listings. -No.
No more old lady condos,
they all smell like brisket and kitty litter.
I don't know, I just feel like maybe Palm Springs isn't a good idea.
Oh, it's a really good idea! There are so many things to do!
There's a film festival, and an aerial tram
-that takes you to the top... -Save it, Chamber of Commerce.
I gotta go drop the kids off at the pool.
The kids are here?
No, not the actual...
I have to take a dump.
Then why didn't you just say that?
'Cause I'm a fuckin' lady.
[laughing] See, she's fun.
She is. And it's nice to have some masculine energy around.
Guys, listen, we have to invite her to play pickleball with us.
-What? Why? -Oh.
She needs this.
I don't want my baby sister all alone in Phoenix.
Did you know loneliness kills more people than smoking?
I have heard that.
Well, maybe if they took up smoking, they'd live longer.
Sure.
♪♪
[♪ gentle upbeat music playing]
-[♪ soft piano music playing] -[indistinct chatter]
-Alan! -Sybil.
-Oh, hello. -Wow.
Oh, how long has it been?
All I know is I got old and you didn't.
-How is that possible? -Oh, this is Palm Springs.
The gays, they know from good lighting.
-[chuckles] -Here, take a seat.
Should we order something?
Uh, no, uh, business first.
Isabelle wanted you to have this.
[gasps] Oh, my God.
I... whoa.
It's The Beatles?
No, no, no, no, no. It... it's the four of us from 1972.
I think I'm Ringo, and you're Paul.
[chuckles] With cleavage.
Well, it's just...
[sighs] What is the word I'm looking for?
-Horrible. -Yes.
-[laughing] -That's it exactly.
-Oh, no! -Yeah.
-You brought photos? -I did.
I thought we could torture ourselves by taking a trip down memory lane.
[laughing] Shall we get a coffee first?
Oh, absolutely.
I take mine, uh, with two fingers of bourbon, and no coffee.
I take mine the same way.
[♪ gentle upbeat music playing]
Ready, jocks?
Okay, here we go.
A-five, six, seven, eight!
Oh, sorry.
Let's take it from the top.
Sure, but no apologies. That was a great effort.
Oh, and that little flourish you do when you swing?
Bob Fosse could only dream.
Hiya, boys. You ready for this?
I'd like to start while it's a refreshing 104 degrees.
Well, we've already rehearsed,
but we'll wait while you change out of your survivalist outfit.
The dressing rooms are that way.
[scoffs] I'm not changing. It's pickleball.
I could play in a recliner.
Jerry, you're with me.
-Bunny, go, go. -[sighs]
You guys don't mind a little trash talk, do you?
Of course not. I told Arthur his tracksuit
made him look like Missy Elliott, only girlier.
I took it as a compliment.
Okay, let's do this!
[sing-song] ♪ Ha, ha, you're probably not as good as us ♪
[chuckles]
Trash talk is fun.
Ah!
[Jerry grunts]
Nice one, Martina.
Thanks, but I wish I'd gotten it over the net.
I was being sarcastic.
Oh. Well, just so you know, Mindy,
I'm a little sensitive when it comes to sports.
I do better with encouragement.
Oh, okay. I encourage you to not suck so hard.
-You're being kind of mean. -Little bitch says what?
-You're being mean. -Little bitch says what?
You're being... Wait, am I the little bitch?
Seven-two-two.
[sighs]
-[Jerry grunts] -Again?
They are kicking our asses because of you.
I thought you said you knew how to play.
But we never kept score before you came!
Now, you're crying?
No!
[Jerry sobbing]
I'm thinking about Jesus.
He loves everyone, but you would definitely be on his naughty list!
No, wait, that's Santa.
Now, you're making me mix up my Santa and my Savior!
♪♪
[♪ gentle upbeat music playing]
Ah, 1965.
-You were a knockout. -[chuckles]
I was.
Yeah, as my mother used to say, "Time is a cunt."
[laughing]
You know, I forgot how saucy you get when you had a couple of drinks.
Have another one.
I might even get you to sing.
Oh, no. No one wants to hear that.
Oh, come on, it was the highlight of every party.
Remember the... the Nixon resignation party?
You got up and played Long Ago and Far Away, huh?
And you were wearing this, uh, strapless red dress.
You remember that dress?
Yeah, it was a m-m-memorable dress, yeah.
Yeah.
Come on, the piano's ten feet away.
If we leave now, we can make it in 20 minutes, come on.
Hey. Uh, your wife's on the phone.
-I don't have a wife. -Scram!
Loved you in Whiplash.
Listen, it's a very dry climate, so don't expect any high notes.
[exhales sharply]
[♪ gentle piano music playing]
♪ Long ago and far away ♪
♪ I dreamed a dream one day ♪
♪ And now ♪
♪ That dream is here beside me ♪
I hate crying. My eyes are so puffy.
It's eighth grade all over again.
I had to wear these on the bus every morning on the way to school.
I imagine that did not set you up for a good day.
[sighs] No.
But it paid off. Your eyes are gorgeous.
[whimpers] Now, you're gonna make me cry again.
I'm sorry, guys.
I know Mindy can be a little aggressive.
But we can handle it, right?
Hey, we're jocks now!
Ow.
Look, it's working.
Regardless of what we felt, she was having a good time,
and we want her to move here. Don't we?
[weakly] Yeah.
Are we sure?
I mean, I wouldn't want Caleb and Ezekiel to move here.
-Who? -They were my bullies at Mitt Romney High.
Go, Mittens!
I'll play with Mindy. She doesn't scare me.
I've put pantyhose on Naomi Campbell.
She put her cigarette out right here.
-Ooh. -Yeah, I see that.
[♪ gentle upbeat music playing]
♪ And then, I knew ♪
♪ That all I longed for ♪
♪ Long ago ♪
♪ Was you ♪
[♪ gentle piano music playing]
Hmm.
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry. That was, uh, that was, um...
Lovely.
♪♪
[♪ gentle upbeat music playing]
Hold on, hold on, time out.
What is going on here?
Oh. Thank you.
It's a Thom Browne skort that I turned into smart shorts.
I'm not talking about your outfit, Doechii.
You gotta move your feet, dude. It's called footwork.
I know footwork, dude.
I was a certified aerobics instructor.
Ever hear of Arthur's Disco Booty Blast?
I took my class to Funkytown and I don't wanna talk about it,
talk about it, talk about it, talk about it.
Okay, let me ask you something, Booty Blast.
What is going on with that paddle?
You're waving it around like you're running away from bees.
And fix your grip.
-[paddle thuds] -I need a minute!
My grip.
I'll have you know, my grip has never once been questioned.
Nothing but compliments.
I should have seen this coming.
The most controlling woman in the world,
partnering with... my sister.
She had a problem with everything I did.
How I moved, how I stood.
She kept calling my bandeau a headband
and said it was impeding my sight.
-"Take it off," she said. -[Jerry] That's insane.
The sweat would make your brow gel run into your eyes.
Now, there's a man who understands sports.
-[glasses clinking] -But we digress.
I'm out. I will not play with that woman.
[scoffs] You don't have to.
I should be her partner.
I grew up with her. She can't push my buttons anymore.
Say you're sorry!
I'm sorry you suck at sports!
Take that back!
[♪ gentle upbeat music playing]
Not low enough.
Still not low enough.
Perfect.
Wow. Now, I'd like to turn it up a little more.
Oh, not too much. Stop when I look 50.
Uh, Sybil, I have to admit, I'm a little nervous.
I mean, it's... it's been a while.
Sure. For me, too.
-Yeah. -How long?
Well, Isabelle's been gone six months, so...
22 years.
Well, I'm sure it'll come back to us like riding a bike.
Hope my tires don't deflate.
Not easy growing old, is it?
But it's where we are.
And if you ask me, where we are right now...
is a nice place to be.
[♪ gentle music playing]
[exhales sharply] Okay, I'll admit it.
My sister doesn't always play well with others.
She was the first Girl Scout in history to get a "Please stay at home" badge.
She sucks, Bun! She sucks balls!
Sorry, I promised myself I wouldn't be harsh.
[exhaling, clicking tongue]
[calmly] She sucks, Bun.
She sucks balls.
I'll talk to Mindy. I'll make up a story
that we're not at her level and we're holding her back.
What part of that story is made up?
Maybe I can find something else
for her to be part of that'll make her wanna stay.
What about golf?
Oh, it is a great way to meet people.
Or become a lesbian.
I could see her doing well in that circuit.
She has the wardrobe.
Then, it's decided. Mindy's a lesbian.
I'm a little worried about Ma.
I just spoke to her at the hotel, she sounded happy.
Ooh. Could mean anything.
Maybe a cousin she hates gained weight.
Anyway, I booked a court for tomorrow at 8:00 a.m.,
because I think we could all use the practice.
And by we, I mean not me.
[clears throat] About that, Min, uh,
we had a really great time playing with you today.
-Wonderful. -Look forward to more.
But we're not at your level, and we kind of wanna go back
to just the three of us playing pickleball.
But, you know, Palm Springs is famous for its golf courses,
as well as its fine dining and intermediate hiking trails.
I get it. [scoffs]
You don't wanna play with me.
Cool.
That was easy.
Nothing's easy with Melinda Rochelle Schneiderman.
♪♪
[♪ gentle music playing]
-[sighs] Min. -I ordered an Uber.
-Cancel it. -[scoffs]
I got the message, Bun.
You don't want me here, it's fine.
I'm not moving to Palm Springs. I miss Phoenix anyway.
Nobody misses Phoenix!
Why do you do this? Why do you always go from zero to 100?
Just cutting to the chase, you don't want me around,
you've never wanted me around your friends.
Well, that's not true.
Mindy! [sighs]
All these steps and they're not being counted.
What are you talking about? My whole life, I've included you.
That is bullshit. Mom made you include me
and it always ended up bad. [gasps]
This is the Barbie beauty pageant all over again!
Okay.
-Well, that was your fault. -How was that my fault?
You put Midge in a corduroy pant suit.
Midge is a handsome woman. It was an original idea.
It was an evening gown competition!
And when Donna Ratner dared to put Skipper in white gloves,
you called her a suburban Jersey nobody.
I stand by my statement. She lives in Teaneck
and collects Lucite clipboards. Fuck her!
What are we even talking about?
That everybody hates me and everybody loves you.
I'm taking the Ketel One, I earned it.
[sighs] Nobody hates you, Mindy.
You just make it so hard.
Well, I'm not you, Bunny. I can't just walk into a room
and make everybody like me.
-That's not exactly... -Yeah.
You charm. That's your thing.
Our whole lives, wherever we went, you could make a thousand friends.
-It was always so easy for you! -[Bunny scoffs]
-Easy?! -[door thumps]
Ugh, you again.
It was not easy for me.
It was a survival skill.
Not sure if you heard the rumor, but I was a gay kid.
Of course, I heard the rumor. Mom started it.
[sighs] And when you're a gay kid,
you learn real fast how to read people,
how to deflect, make 'em laugh, just to stay safe.
I had to mold myself to be whatever people liked.
It wasn't easy.
Yeah, well, I didn't get the gift of being gay,
so I couldn't mold myself.
Wherever I go, I'm only me.
And I love that about you. I've always been jealous of that.
You are exactly who you are.
Yeah, somebody who drives people away.
-[scoffs] -Is that a Camry?
Are you Dolores?
Oh, Jesus, she's putting on deodorant.
Don't go, Min. There's nothing for you in Phoenix.
What, are you just gonna be there all by yourself?
I'm not gonna be by myself. There's sunsets and lizards.
[scoffs] I just wanna do something for you.
I'm your big brother, let me help you.
Do you hear yourself?
I'm not gonna stay here so you can help me.
I don't need your help. I don't need you.
But I need you, so stay for me.
I want you around, Mindy.
[scoffs] Why?
You have your chosen family.
I want my chosen family and I want you.
What can I say, I'm greedy. I love you!
Yeah, but you don't like me.
You're wrong! This is like a late-night conversation
between Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor.
I gotta go.
Wha... [sighs]
[car door latch clicks]
-[Mindy] What do you like about me? -[car door thuds shut]
You again.
[Mindy] Answer the question.
You want a list?
It better be a list.
[sighs]
You wrestle good.
You're easily heard no matter where you are in the house.
And you look good in black.
I mean, who knows if you look good in other colors.
-Fail. -Mindy.
I don't have a list.
I just know that my life is better when you're in it.
Gross.
You're obsessed with me.
[car horn beeps]
So?
Go ahead, Dolores!
He needs me because I wrestle good!
Dear Lord, that's the biggest bag of Funyuns I've ever seen.
[♪ gentle upbeat music playing]
So, when do you get the keys to the new place?
Next month. It's so cute,
and it's right on a golf course.
I think I may try my hand at that.
I bet she will.
Because she's a lesbian.
Not a lesbian.
I think she heard us.
How?
You're too pretty to do this right.
You can't either. You look like you've had a stroke.
So, what are we playing? Is this Texas Hold 'em or...?
We call it P-Town Reach Around.
-It's gay poker. -Queens beat kings.
And jacks beat jacks,
and then they upload it to their OnlyFans.
And we call a full house a Mary-Kate and Ashley.
Alright, read 'em and weep. A straight.
-[hitting table] I win. -Oh, not at this table.
In gay poker, a straight is the worst hand you can get.
♪♪
[♪ upbeat jazzy music playing]
♪♪
[♪ music ends]
[voice] Let me talk to the boys.
[♪ fanfare playing]