Where is she?
It's not like her to be late.
I'm just gonna call her.
I am not calling her.
I will not give her the satisfaction of knowing...
- [phone rings] - Huh?
- Hi, Pop. - Hey, Ian. I'm not coming in today.
- David, I'm gonna miss our meeting. - [gasps]
Yeah. I don't know if it's my lady times or whatever,
but I am having the wildest shits.
It's my kids. They're being little shits.
[chuckles]
Carol, it's our Tuesday morning dish.
You know that today is Warrior Within Day.
I got croissants. Ooh, and hot goss.
Forty pounds of obsidian.
And no one is more bummed than me.
But, you know, what are you gonna do? I'm sick.
Go on without me, I insist.
I insist we stop. All right?
It's unprofesh to gossip about what our coworkers may or may not be doing. So...
Stop!
Oh, I could bring you some tea.
No more spilling the tea?
I heard Diane in accounting is in an open marriage.
[gasps] Ooh.
No. No. No. We gotta stop this.
No, that's okay.
Storm's gonna come over and take care of me and then he's gonna...
he's gonna take care of me. Wink.
Gross. And don't say wink.
Now, where were we?
[sighing]
I think we got away with it. [chuckles]
Get out.
Hey, Jo. You busy?
No... [sighs] ...just trying to rediscover my life's purpose.
Okay. Well, in the meantime,
how would you like to help me get rid of these delicious buttery croissants?
Sure.
Hey! I-I meant by eating them. Come on. [sighs]
Well, they are still in the box, so...
- Hey! What the hell is that, man? - [sighs]
That is obsidian,
- a deeply spiritual mineraloid... - [sighs]
...that is forged at the earth's core. Poppy ruined it.
Well, you just ruined my croissants.
Whatever. [scoffs] It doesn't even matter.
Carol canceled our meeting and now I have nothing.
What's going on with you, David?
Just a sad man staring at a trash can wondering what it's all for.
David, please take your sad-man energy elsewhere.
Some of us are trying to discover our life's passion.
Jo, I thought your life's passion was assisting
so that you could gain power and position over others.
I thought so too.
But Ms. Bryant challenged me to do something more with my life.
I've given myself until end of day to figure out what.
Oh, wait, this is what Poppy and I were supposed to do today.
It's Warrior Within Day,
which is very important for our creative process.
At the company's expense.
Well, yes. But its value is immeasurable.
I mean, we... we make very powerful breakthroughs
by harnessing the power of fire and water and wind and earth.
And margaritas, according to the invoices?
Yes, there are a lot of margaritas.
Join me. Say yes to your destiny.
Yes. I will walk through fire to figure out my life's passion.
Awesome. But you don't actually have to walk through fire.
- I will if you ask me. - I won't.
- David? - No.
- Stop saying no, say yes. - Say yes.
- I don't wanna...
- Say yes. - All right, fine! Yes.
- [Ian, David] Yes. - Yes!
- Ow. Geez. - Oh.
[groans] Here we go. He's so dramatic.
- David... - [grunts] You hit my nose.
Jesus. You're bleeding, man.
- I'm bleeding? - [Ian] Yeah.
Where?
[groans]
- [grunts] - [groans]
- [groans] Ooh. - [sighs] Wow.
[both chuckle]
- That was... - Transcendent.
- Yeah. [chuckles] - [groans]
That means good, right?
Oh, that's more than good.
- Yeah. Bump it. - Yeah. Okay.
[both chuckle]
- Practice makes perfect. - [sighs] Oh, man.
I actually don't really like that word, "perfect."
I think it makes people lose sight of joy,
and real happiness can only be discovered...
- [tapping keys] - ...when we allow...
- Are-Are you working? - Yeah.
Didn't you just call in sick?
Yeah. So I could get out of Ian's Warrior Within Day.
Before every expansion, he drags me around
to witness the masturbatory faffery he calls a creative process.
But joke's on him, 'cause while he's out there having fun,
I'm gonna be in here grinding until my eyes bleed.
- [scoffs] - Suck on that, Ian.
[sighs] You know, Pop,
there's-there's real value in not always grinding.
Oh, shit. Did I mash up your dingle?
Sorry. I-I watched this master class by this sex expert
and he said you have to keep moving or they get bored.
No, no, no. That was good. The movement was excellent.
- Yeah, it was. [chuckles] - [chuckles] Okay.
Yeah, I'm just talking about, you know, the-the recovery time as an artist.
You need that. It's important for the creative process.
Yeah. My creative process is that I crunch through the night
until Ian comes in the next morning and tells me to change everything.
But, hey, you need pressure to turn coal into diamonds.
[scoffs] Well, actually diamonds,
they-they crystallize over millions of years because they need time.
And I just think that you could use some time too, away from all this stuff.
Yes. Yes, that is nice.
I guess I... I guess I never thought about it like that.
Well, I think maybe that's why Ian has this whole Warrior Within Day.
Because I think, on some level,
he knows that a break can lead to a breakthrough.
But you have to do that in your own way, not his.
So, what? I just... I stop working?
Well, if you could do anything you wanted to do today, what would that be?
Stay in bed all day.
So do it. No leaving.
Easy. I do it all the time.
Yeah, but do it without your computer.
- Oh. Oh. - Huh? [grunts]
- Okay. - Hmm?
- Yeah. Okay, great. Yeah, I'll do it. - Okay.
But you have to stay in bed with me.
- Oh, that's a deal. [groans] - [chuckles]
[Brad] Look at that. My God.
It's beautiful.
Thanks. I upgraded to more vivid color palettes in Cozy Galaxy.
The data, you fool. It's stunning.
Now that Playpen's in-game currency has been implemented,
you're gonna finally make some real money.
But only if players use Playpennies to buy stuff from my game.
Oh, they will.
Children love to waste money on useless flashy nonsense.
What up? What up?
The baddest bitch at MQ has just... Whoa.
- [groans] I tripped on my coat. - [gasps]
- Are you okay? - Ow. Yeah.
I thought you said you were gonna return this thing?
What? I can't return this. It's a Hustler original. J.Lo core.
Okay. Can someone translate that?
Hustlers?
The 2019 smash-hit stripper movie?
We watch it all the time. We're obsessed.
We watch clips of it on YouTube.
We rented it the first time,
but Dana won't let us buy it because she says it's a "waste of money."
Not everyone can splash the cash like you two moneybags.
Well, maybe now that Playpennies is in the game,
we could look for a nicer place with a yard for the dog.
- [sighs] - We got a dog.
Aw. Don't care.
Our place is totally fine.
The back wall of our apartment is against a strip club.
Great. It's how we got into Hustlers.
There's so many fistfights in the alleyway.
Maybe, but I can't spend a bunch of money on a new apartment right now.
- I gotta pay back my student loans. - [sighs]
Okay. Okay.
I can't stand here anymore and listen to you waste your money.
Thank you. Tell her please.
- [Rachel sighs] - I'm talking about you.
Paying student loans, are you nuts?
There's no bigger waste of money than repaying government subsidies.
Ha! Who's financially irresponsible now, bitch?
- Excuse me? - I'm sorry. It's the coat. It's the coat.
You are too. And that coat is ridiculous.
- This coat slays. - Enough.
You're both finally earning money now, due to my hard work.
I'm like a father who has to protect the most important thing in his life.
Aw. Us?
Money, you twits.
- Yeah, that makes more sense. - Yeah. Makes sense.
Today I'm gonna teach you to respect money.
We can make any weapon we want?
Oh, yes.
You are only limited by your own imaginations
and by whatever you can bring to life
using the elements of fire from the forge,
winds from the bellows or from the earth itself,
which, in this case, is steel pulled from Mother Gaia.
And what does this mess of Eastern and Western philosophies teach us exactly?
Only everything, David.
The weapon that one chooses tells us exactly what kind of warrior they are.
I want to make a small dagger.
Interesting, Jo. Let's dig into that. Why?
Well, if I was gonna kill someone,
like David, for example,
- I'd get up close like this... - Ow. [grunting]
...so I could feel the blood splatter on my face.
I'd want to see the look of recognition in his eyes as he died.
[exclaims] Jesus. You're fucking insane.
Jo, your weapon choice tells me that you are a rogue.
You like to kill unseen and unheard,
most importantly, unrecognized,
which is exactly what makes you an effective assistant.
I never thought of it like that.
Yeah, I'm gonna make a breastplate, I think. Where's the breastplate section?
No, we're here to make weapons. Not armor.
But the best weapon is the one that protects you the best, right?
- No, the best weapon is a broad sword... - [gasps, chuckles]
[chuckles] ...which is what I'm gonna make.
Although, I will say that a breastplate is quite revealing for you.
It's created to take a pounding and still keep working,
much like a fortress or a off-road vehicle or a...
A vagina.
A vagina. Yes.
David, you are a vagina who's afraid to take a pounding.
No, no. I-I take a pounding. I can take a pounding.
I mean, yes, I guess you could say
that the breastplate could represent that I'm afraid to get hurt.
[gasps, chuckles] Look at this, two revelations before lunch.
[chuckles] I cannot wait to rub this in Poppy's face.
She's gonna be so jealous when I show her my giant broadsword.
We should take some photos.
Let's take... Let's take a photo or something.
Is that a hive?
- Huh? Uh, no, I don't think so. - Yeah.
Yeah, Poppy gets those. She gets them when she's stressed out.
- Yeah, that's a hive. - Poppy gets hives
because she has the pH balance of a car battery.
- [Jo] Hmm. - I'm fine, all right?
Now, let's go bend some steel to our will.
[knocks on door]
Pizza?
Uh. Hello?
[Poppy] Coming!
[machine whirring]
Take the money and put the pizza on my face!
[Storm chuckles] I'm so sorry. That sounded really weird.
[Poppy chuckles]
- Okay. Here it comes. - Door to bed service, baby.
- Ooh, should we order weed? - [Storm] No, we're not ordering weed.
I hate this job.
How the hell did you hack a vacuum?
Oh, please, all I did was create a simple Python script on my phone
so I could intercept the Roomba's Wi-Fi signal
to send direct signals to its motor system by emulating its API.
Any moron could do that.
- Except Ian. Burn. - [both chuckle]
Can you believe that he doesn't think I'm funny?
No, I can't.
[groans]
[sniffs, sighs]
- A lovely cheese pizza just for us. - [chuckles]
- Kevin McCallister? - Home Alone.
- Yes. Wow, you got that, really? - [chuckles]
- Yeah, I get your references. - Aw.
- Not like Ian's. - [both chuckle]
Have you ever heard of Ferris Bueller?
Yeah, it's a great movie.
Yeah, I know, I love it.
- [phone chimes] - Oh, shit.
- Oh, no, I totally forgot. - What?
I have that Zoom meeting soon with the Dutch Ministry of Culture
for that Rotterdam installation.
- That's okay. That's fine. I mean... - [groans]
...I guess bed day's over. I'll go get your clothes and we can...
No, no. Hey. Wait, where you going?
The floor is lava.
Okay, so what are we gonna do?
Well, I do not want to give up on bed day because of some dumb meeting.
So, if you can dress up a Roomba,
you think you could do something with this?
[chuckles]
So, I've gone through your rat's nest of financial info
as well as three years of tax returns provided by your accountant. Uncle Joe?
Yeah, that's my, uh, mom's brother.
He is a polyamorous magician that does taxes on the side for extra money.
The way you treat money is offensive to me.
You're children.
[both] Sorry.
- We just feel like... - Okay, no more feeling,
no more emotions of any kind.
We do not sully money with emotions.
We stick to the data.
And according to the data,
uh, Rachel is, by several magnitudes, more broke than you are, Dana.
How? She makes way more money than I do.
Well, she's also a quarter million dollars in debt from Berkeley
and other failed attempts at higher education.
Rachel, uh, are you aware
that you're currently enrolled in an online pottery course at RISD
that you haven't attended in two years?
I forgot my log in and I...
- Yep. - And why have you spent over ten grand
at an auto body shop?
I needed new brakes and tires
and a clutch, transmission, head gasket.
- [Dana whimpers] - And what is, uh, "DragCon"
and why have you spent $3,580 there?
- [both] Merch. - [inhales sharply]
[clicks tongue] Let's change gears. What's your five-year plan?
Why don't we start there and then maybe we can strategize.
So, uh, our five-year plan is we're definitely gonna be living
- in a super cute house... - Mm-hmm.
- ...in, like, Boulder, Colorado. - Mm-mmm.
No. I told you I don't want to be the only Black person in Boulder.
Okay.
Uh, well, we'll definitely be married by then and then...
Isn't five years a little too soon?
I wanna be financially stable by then.
So I'm supposed to just wait around for you to make an honest woman out of me?
What am I to you? Hustlers?
- Something you rent and never buy? - Come on, babe.
- You know it's not like that. - Don't touch me.
Got it. I have the solution to your finances. Break up.
- Screw you, man. - What?
Dana, you need to nurture this new Cozy Galaxy money
so it can mature into something beautiful.
More money.
And the only way to do that is to set aside emotion
and cut Rachel and her massive debt loose.
We are not breaking up just so I can save a few bucks.
Yeah, what about our happiness, Brad? All of our hard work. Where is the reward?
That's what the money's for!
Don Draper. Okay. You see, now I'm getting emotional.
Oh, man. [chuckles]
God. [stammers] Horses are such powerful animals.
I think that's why I feel such a kinship with them.
[gasps] I've never been to the ocean.
- [gasps] - What? You live in Los Angeles.
No, I live Inland.
That way I can pretend I live in a swing state.
I mean, the ocean's powerful too. My God. Look at it.
Yes. Guys, we've done every element so far and now, water.
We will go into the ocean and emerge reborn.
Yes. [laughs] Yes!
- Wait, sorry. What do you mean? - We're gonna jump into the fucking ocean.
Yeah. Uh. That's... I... You know, I'm all for rebirth. Uh-huh.
But, um, there's riptides and there could be sharks.
- And also we got a female subordinate... - [shrieks]
- There she goes. - I shall cleanse myself
for my male superiors.
She really would walk through fire.
[Jo] I'll do anything!
That's the thing about her. She doesn't do anything half-ass.
Whoa! What the hell? What is happening?
I'm totally and completely naked, David.
I can see that.
Now it's time for you to remove that breastplate.
What?
- And embrace your destiny. - My destiny is me being naked?
- You're getting naked too, bro. - Come on, man.
I don't have the same body type as you.
All you talk about is how fearful you are.
Well, maybe it's time to show a little vulnerability.
- Take off your clothes. - I don't want to.
- Get naked, David! Say yes! Yes. Damn it. - All right. Fine. Yes. Yes.
[exclaims]
- You want me to be naked, I'll be naked. - Yes! Yeah. Yeah!
[both exclaim]
- God, that feels so good, doesn't it? - [pants]
- Oh, you really embraced it. - Yes.
Why are you hard?
Huh?
Oh, yeah. I don't know.
I think it was, like, the power of the horses, or the moment.
I mean, the saddles rubbing up against the body.
Don't blame the saddles, David.
I think you're just engorged by the moment. Yes.
- You're really accepting it, you know. - [chuckling] Yeah.
Poppy used to sit on the beach and just eat fish tacos
and fight away seagulls.
Can you not talk about Poppy right now? 'Cause it's kind of killing my, you know.
- You're the one that brought her up. - [sighs] Uh, no, you brought it up
and-and you got hives all over your body so I don't know what's going on with you.
I know. I noticed that. That's actually just, um, I think it's from the saddles,
like saddle rash.
So your hives are 'cause of the saddle, but my erection is not from the saddle?
- Let's just jump in the water, all right? - Yeah, yeah.
Where's Jo?
Uh, I didn't see her come back up.
Can she swim?
- [David] Jo! Jo! - [Ian] Jo!
[Storm] Art should be enjoyed by everybody.
We feel the same way.
We are very excited to break ground on this project.
Thank you so much.
I'm also looking forward to trying an authentic stroopwafel.
[board members chuckle]
Okay. Yes. Thank you. Yes, I'll be in touch.
- [board member] Take care. - Okay.
- [chuckling] - Holy shit. We pulled that off.
And you looked good doing it. Am I a fashion designer?
Oh, you have the eye, kid.
And you have all the chip clips in your nightstand. So that was very helpful.
Every night I bring a chip clip into bed,
thinking that I'm not gonna finish the entire bag of chips
and that has never happened even one time.
- [chuckles] - Now tell me about this stroopwafel.
Oh, it's so good. It's like waffle with salted caramel inside.
- Let me show it to you. Oh, my gosh. - [alarm chimes]
6:00 p.m. We did it. An entire day spent in bed.
- [chuckles] - I am so proud of us.
And I-I-I didn't even think about work once.
- Weird. [chuckles] - Mmm.
I think it's just 'cause you're so easy to be around.
- Aw. - Not like Ian.
[chuckles] So, you and Ian,
- were-were you ever an item? - No, ew, no. [chuckles]
It's okay. I don't care.
I just thought, you brought him up a lot today and I was just wondering.
Uh, no, I don't think so. You just brought him up.
No. No, I didn't.
But you know what? I really don't care
'cause I am just so happy to be with you.
[kisses] Thank you so much for your help.
See, you're cool with it.
This... This is what I love so much about you.
It's-It's easy. It's-It's just easy.
- Are they still standing there? - Yeah, they're still over there.
Can we help you?
Just observing. Please, as you were.
You guys want a croissant?
- Oh, thanks. - What happened to them?
He found 'em in the trash.
- Nope. - I'm good.
- More for me then. - [chuckles]
I built up quite an appetite this morning. [chuckles]
Brad, what are we doing here?
I'm scaring you two straight.
Not in the way that sounded.
I understand that you're gay and I have no desire to change that.
You, where do you live?
With Mikey.
Two swinging bachelors in a hip converted loft. [chuckles]
Yeah. It's more of a 400-square-foot studio above a bowling alley.
And would you say you had a financial plan in your youth?
- I would say I had a drug problem. - [both chuckling]
- Oh. - [both] Oh. [chuckles]
Yeah. You know, my plan was staying high and getting by.
Other one, why are you working as a tester at a video game company?
Oh, it was this or a Walmart greeter.
Well, actually I'm doing both jobs
because I fell for a beautiful Argentinian woman.
- [Rachel] Aw. - [Andy] Mmm.
And long story short, I got catfished.
[both] Oh.
The crazy thing is
up here, I know she was six Filipino boys with a very darn-good command of English
- and a complete lack of empathy... - Yeah. Oy.
- ...but in here, she's still Isabella. - [Andy] Oh.
- That's so sad. - For so many reasons.
Okay, so that's your future right there
if you continue to make emotional financial decisions.
Is that what you want?
[both] Mm-mmm.
Okay, Dana, I'm gonna return the coat and I'm gonna be more responsible.
Whatever it takes for us to be together.
No, keep the coat and we can start looking for a nicer apartment.
- Wait. Really? - Yeah. I need to be less of a tight-ass.
Let's buy Hustlers. I'm sick of renting.
- [squeals] Oh, my God. - [chuckles]
[gasps] Brad, was this your whole plan? You threatened our relationship
- to make us stronger. - Mmm.
Not at all. You will be flat broke in five years.
Say whatever you have to to save face, you simp.
I'm Brad and I'm a simp.
- Okay. Bye. - [Dana giggles]
Okay, that was deeply unsatisfying.
[sighs]
Hmm. How much would I have to pay you to fight each other?
- Um... - Um, $20.
[Brad] Twenty bucks each? All right.
- Oh, 20 each? Ooh. Yeah. - Whoa.
Hello, fellow warriors.
Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.
Jo, glad you made it out alive.
Me too. Yesterday brought me so much clarity.
As I was sinking beneath the waves,
lungs ballooning with saltwater, vision fading to black... [inhales deeply]
The final thought I had was,
"Who's gonna get Dana her afternoon boba?"
Oh, that's so sad.
No, it was freeing.
I don't need to find my life's purpose. I already know what it is.
I was born to be an assistant.
- Good for you. Yeah. - Oh. Yeah, that's great.
If anything, I need to crank up the intensity.
Crank up, you say?
There's an up from this?
Thank you, Ian.
David.
Huh. Well, good for her.
[inhales sharply] You know, I kind of had my own revelation yesterday.
Witnessing her possible death,
I-I realized that, like, I-I live my life in constant fear.
You probably didn't know that about me, you know. But I do.
Yesterday just... It woke me up to all that.
- And no more. You know, man? Like, just... - Great.
- Yeah, just let down my guard, you know. - Yeah.
Take off my breastplate
and expose my bosom to the slings and arrows of-of-of rejection
- but also possible friendship. - Yeah.
- So just right here, right now, you know... - Yes.
- Ian, will you go to dinner with me? - [chuckles]
- What? - You.
- You talking to me? - Yes. Yes, sir.
Just... We'll go to dinner or something.
Oh, David. I'm so sorry. You got the wrong idea.
I... I like you, just not as a friend.
Oh, okay. Wow. [chuckles]
Well, I thought I had the opportunity, you know, 'cause...
I don't know, you know, Poppy abandoned you for Storm and...
Poppy didn't abandon me. I'm... I'm happy for her.
Are you? I mean, you mentioned her name like 300 times. Plus you have hives, man.
- I think you're pretty stressed out. - Hives are a i-immuno response...
Reaction to these new peptides that I've been work...
- Oh, my God. Hmm, yeah. - I've been using... She's here.
She's here, David. She's here. Don't-Don't-Don't follow me.
- I'm not gonna follow you. Jesus. - Okay.
- Pop. Poppy! - Jesus.
- Hey, Pop. - [Poppy] Hey.
I didn't expect to see you today. Are you feeling better already?
Uh. Yes. Yes. Fully shitting solids again. No worries.
Gross. Um, hey, you just missed the best Warrior Within Day.
So many breakthroughs.
That is so great. Uh, I had a breakthrough of my own in bed.
Oh, God, those double entendres are just getting so lazy.
Usually there's, like, a wink or something. You're not even selling it.
No, I, uh... I had an idea for a new art piece with Storm. [chuckles]
Oh, cool.
Just being around him is...
I don't know, he really brings out the best in me.
- I mean, so do you. - Pop, you don't have to...
No, no, no. I just meant, I didn't... I didn't want you to... [clears throat]
- I didn't want you to think that... - Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, what you have with him is
so totally different than what you have with me.
Right. Exactly.
- It's completely different. [chuckles] - Right. It's so different
and it's not like one can be better than the other.
Right.
Okay.
Wow. You really... You really have a rash going on there, huh?
Uh, I don't kn... Um.
Uh, yeah, I got, uh, hives, I think.
Hives?
I usually get those when I get stressed.
Yeah.
Yeah. Hmm.
It's nothing to worry about.