[Pootie Shoe announcer] Pootie, Pootie, Pootie... Shoe.
It's Pootie Shoe!
Hey, guys! This is Pootie Shoe.
Four B-holes. Whoa!
I'm seriously shook by this update.
I wanna thank the guys at Rager Body Mist.
I thought we were past heteronormative gender roles, guys.
This is amazing. Blew me away.
Hashtag free Pootie.
I'm inclined to give this game four and a half B-holes.
[Pootie Shoe announcer] It's Pootie's birthday stream.
What is up, Pootie Nation?
Wow, guys. Looking at that montage, seeing baby Pootie,
that-that was... Really hit me in all the feels.
I gotta say, I was such a Pootie cutie.
And now look at me, turning 17.
I got all of that banger content stacked.
I got a lifetime of dope memories behind me,
and I'm still one year away from being legal.
Patience, Zendaya.
Hey, get that countdown up on the screen, right?
I remember starting this stream. You know, I was barely a little Poo-tween.
And then, you know, throughout my Poo-teens
I was sort of growing into my Pootie shoes
and now I feel like I've blossomed into a fully-fledged Poo-man.
But if I can get real with you guys...
I wanna say, from the bottom of my heart,
a genuine love to all my Pootie cuties,
my Pootie dudies and my LGBTQ+ Pootie fruities
for all the love and for staying with me throughout the years.
Like, you know, when I left MQ after the Masked Man fight.
That was embarrassing.
Or when you rallied hard on the GoFundMe
when my mom's breast implant surgery took... [squeals] ...a little bit of a left turn.
Hashtag Save Shannon's Cannons. Legendary campaign.
You Pootie dudies and you Pootie cuties, you were always there for me.
But if I can get really, really real with you guys,
I gotta say...
shout out to my sponsor Blessed Beast.
Their new energy jerky is off the hook. This shit is balls to the wall insane.
And, uh, yeah. I'm gonna go sign off, enjoy my birthday.
You know how it is.
But, uh, thank you cuties for hanging and, uh, Pootie out!
Jesus Christ. [spits]
[grunts, spits]
[groans]
[cell phone buzzes, chimes]
[sighs]
Hey, birthday boy. You ready for some pancakes?
Uh-uh. No time. I'm gonna change then we gotta go.
Sit, eat. What's the rush?
We have the meeting with Spencer and the team. [sighs]
Then afterwards we got the Lambo dealership.
No. For the one hundred thousandth time, you are not getting a Lambo.
I don't want you spending your money on some overpriced guido death trap.
Mom, you can't say that word.
Oh, please. I'm 75% guido, I can say the word and so can you.
It's my money.
Hon, you already have a car.
You know what you don't have?
Pancakes!
I don't want fucking pancakes.
Please look at him. He's so beautiful. Very happy to be here.
[Pootie Shoe] Mm-hmm.
Unlike you, grumpy.
I wanna be emancipated.
Please don't start with that.
Just because you think of yourself as an adult,
does not mean you are one. Okay?
Okay. Well, then I'm not a fucking kid either.
I'm a... I'm a taxpayer, I'm a homeowner.
I own six parking lots in Palm Desert. [stammers]
Would you stop that?
For the love of God, don't do that shit at the meeting again, okay?
- It's unprofessional. - It's your birthday!
Blow off the meeting.
Relax. Go smoke a bowl and-and play some video games.
Play the guitar. You love the guitar.
I'm running a business here. All right?
I wanna get the team together and I wanna talk some...
some big dog moves. Some strategy shit.
You're 17. You should be enjoying yourself.
Hmm? That's what I was doing when I was your age.
Yeah, and look how you turned out.
Okay. Wow.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I am gonna eat this pancake all by myself. Slowly.
I'll be in the car.
Y-You know, the one that's not a Lambo.
Shannon, you created a fucking monster.
Yo! There we go. P-Money, bring it in! [laughs]
- Manager always gets first dibs, okay? - [laughs]
All right, you remember the, uh, less important folks.
Uh, Steve, the rest of your agents, the team, the whole...
- Mama Bear! How we doing? - [Shannon] Hi!
- Oh. - Can you believe it?
- Our boy is 17 years old. - [gasps] I know.
Look at him. Must feel like you had him just yesterday.
Oh, not really, no. My shit's tight as a drum.
[chuckles]
- Can we get this started? - Okay.
All right. This guy's all business. All right. Have a seat, please, please.
- Pootie, let me get you. Let me get you. - Yeah.
Okay, let's, uh, let's talk turkey. Uh, what's on your mind?
I think it's time that Pootie makes a change.
Uh-oh. Uh, should we be worried? [laughs]
No, but I do feel like maybe, uh...
You know, I feel a little bit stuck in-in a kiddie demo
and I wanna, um, you know, expand and grow.
And-And I think it's... [inhales deeply] ...a bit over due time for a rebrand.
Which is why, effective today, I am dropping the "Shoe".
[gasping]
Yeah. Just Pootie now. Like Zendaya.
And also dropping the butthole rating system. Because, uh...
[chuckles] I mean, let's face it, I can't be 25 talking about buttholes, all right.
Nobody wants to hear that.
Oh, gosh. I knew this day would come. My God. My baby's growing up.
Well, uh... Yeah, but, I mean...
You know, it's not... it's not something that adults don't talk about, right?
Everyone... Everyone here's got a butthole. Am I wrong?
- [chuckles] - I do. [chuckles]
Everyone knows one. Um, but, like... [sighs]
I just feel like we can't lose it, you know what I mean?
[stammers] Everybody... They like the buttholes.
And, um, it's tricky 'cause the streets are littered with corpses of, uh,
teen streamers who tried to rebrand.
Yeah, look, did you see what happened to LOL_Trevor?
- [clicks tongue] Oh, no. What-What... - No.
[chuckles]
Well, his subs turned on him like bad fucking shrimp, man.
Well, we can always get fresh subs. [chuckles]
Plenty of subs in the sea, am I right?
What about Cold Alliance?
I mean, you're under contract with those guys.
So, you know, they signed Pootie Shoe, they're gonna want Pootie Shoe.
Uh, it's just Pootie now. He dropped the "Shoe".
Oh, is it, Steve?
I mean, you could probably get me out of the contract, right? It's your job.
Yeah. I mean... Yeah, I could. Sure. Uh...
[stammers] What's it gonna cost to get him out of it?
- Like $10 million. - Like $10 million. Yeah.
Uh, you got $10 million lying around I don't know about?
I feel like I didn't make $10 million on the deal.
You might not have gotten $10 million but you had to pay a lawyer,
you had to pay an agent, you had to pay a manager,
you had to pay Uncle Sam. This is how a business works, Pootie.
But you are saying that if I do get $10 million,
then I can get out of the contract?
Well, yeah. If you wanna just throw $10 million away, but... [clears throat]
Great, so $10 million. Yeah. I can get that. Uh, good meeting.
Are you guys leaving? So we're done?
Well, I feel it's a good stopping point and, uh, we'll circle back.
Okay, we got what we need to get from Pootie and, uh, we got...
You're in good hands. We're gonna take care of you, Poots.
- Happy birthday. - Thank you, Steve.
Thank you, Steve.
[chuckles]
- That went well. - Steve, you ignorant fucking shit.
I do not care that your dad started this place.
I will roundhouse kick you...
I will fucking roundhouse kick you into oblivion.
You shut the fuck up!
Okay, god of artificial intelligence. Help me out.
You're a streamer and you need $10 million fast.
How do you get the money?
No crimes.
Pyramid schemes? I said no crimes.
[sighs]
Can I have $10 million?
Can't do that.
[sighs]
"Sorry about humiliating you in the fight.
I didn't know you were the Masked Man.
Good news though. The fight got millions of views."
Millions of views.
[Pootie Shoe announcer] Pootie, Pootie, Pootie... Shoe.
What is up, fam? We are coming to you live because,
well, I'm hearing from my sources that we got some breaking news.
Out to our field reporter Pootie now.
Thank you, Pootie. Pootie News Network reporting here.
Pootie, we've heard rumors that the street's speaking on your name.
Your thoughts on that for us?
Let them speak. They know I'm at the top of my game.
I'm at the top of anyone's game. I'll fight anyone, any time, any place.
Whoo! Strong words from the Poot-man.
Hey, anyone?
Do you mean you'd fight Cheezenuts Ph. D.?
I'll whoop that ass!
EmmaCakes?
Would I really be a feminist if I said no?
Pootie's an ally, folks.
What about LOL_Trevor?
I'll whoop his ass in game or in the ring!
- Ooh! - Actually, LOL_Trevor,
if you're listening, I challenge you to a cage match.
So, LOL_Trevor, you in?
Or are you too much of a... [meows]
Oh, my God. Are you out of your fucking mind?
- Mama Bear's a little concerned. - I'm pissed is what I am.
You don't need to challenge someone to a fight, I'll knock you out myself.
Oh, that's a choice quote for my emancipation hearing.
- Yeah, you wanna say that to the judge? - All right. Can we just... Look... Don't...
There's no need to yell. He knows what he's done.
Yeah, I did your fucking job for you, all right.
- So you're welcome. - Okay, shots fired.
- Stop it! No! - [stammers] Don't yell.
- Why are you defending him? - It's all right. [stammers]
- Are you two fucking? - What? No.
- No, never. Never. - Of course not. No. Not yet.
Not ever. Not ever. Okay?
Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. Okay? I'm your guy, all right? [chuckles]
And, uh, I'm married. So, thank you. No. Uh...
- Wives love me. - Mom!
Stop! Okay? Sorry I yelled. [chuckles]
Your mom and I, we're just a little concerned about your safety here.
- And we're thinking about the brand. - Yeah.
No, fuck the brand. He's gonna get himself killed.
Which is bad for the brand, right?
I'm not crazy, right?
I tell you what, how about I just huddle up with your mom
- and we'll come up with a good plan... - You wanna huddle?
You huddle with me, man.
I'm the brand, the brand's right here in the room.
And the brand is a grown-ass man who makes his own decisions.
But have you actually seen LOL_Trevor since the rebrand?
I don't think you've seen him, right?
What's up? I am LOL_Trevor telling you to laugh out loud,
live out loud, lats out loud.
A lot of people have been begging me to fight Pootie.
I saw the clip.
First off, don't disrespect me.
But most of all, don't disrespect cats.
As a proud cat dad of 14 rescues, I accept your challenge.
I'll see you in the ring, Poop Scoop.
- [grunting] - [Pootie Shoe] Jesus Christ.
B-But that's a very close shot, so he could be...
[stammers] Is it possible that he's very short?
No, that's to scale.
Yeah, that's what... that's what he looks like.
- Yeah, call it off. - Right. Uh... [exhales sharply]
Call the fight off.
I can't just call it off.
I mean, the cat's out of the bag here, guys.
Right? The toothpaste is out of the tube.
We got, um... We-We have to strategize,
we gotta come up with an elegant way to get out of this.
I don't wanna get out. I want the fight.
- [sighs] - Pootie... [stammers]
- Get me a trainer. - No, no, no. Do not get him a trainer.
- Look, can we just... - Get me a trainer.
Can you flex?
There's nothing there. This one?
That's worse. Okay. Um, we'll get you a trainer.
[grunting]
That looks good. Flexibility is key. If you can bend, they cannot break you.
[Ian] Hey, Son.
Happy birthday.
What are you doing here?
Just figured I'd give you a chance to tell me to fuck off in person.
More fun than over text.
Deep breaths, Brendan.
Kai, can you just give me a minute?
Okay.
Look, I've been following all this fight stuff online
and I gotta tell you, man, I'm just worried about you.
Bullshit. You never worry about me.
- Did Mom call you? - Yes. Yeah. She did.
And she wants me to give you a whole bunch of money
to get out of your contract, but I'm not gonna do that.
Because I have just learned,
through this little thing I've got with my work partner,
that money does not solve problems.
Besides, I know you probably wouldn't take it anyway.
You're right. I wouldn't have.
Anyway, look, I...
I know that this is all... [sighs]
...some clumsy way of proving to the world that you're a man, but...
So, what, are you gonna tell me to back out?
Absolutely not. I didn't raise you to back down from a fight.
You didn't raise me at all.
Oh. [sighs] Okay.
Semantics aside, I know that I haven't always been there for you,
and that is kind of selfish.
Kind of selfish? Try again.
It is selfish, yes. But I...
I'm here for you now.
I want a chance to help you by hiring you a great trainer,
so that's what I did. Donald.
Yeah, this is, uh, Donald "Cowboy" Cerrone,
you can call him Donald. Uh, he was in the bathroom,
you know, doing whatever legends do. This man is a UFC legend.
Well, I already have a trainer and he trained Keanu for John Wick,
so I think he can kick your guy's ass.
- Thanks. - No, no, no, no, no, no. I-I-I can't.
I can't. This... This guy's a legend.
Nothing but respect for you, Cowboy, sir.
- Um, good luck. Yeah. - Okay.
- Dude. - Namaste. That's a good call, Kai.
For the record, I would definitely beat that guy's ass
and Cowboy would probably murder him.
Affirmative.
Fine.
- Great. Great. Great. - [Donald sighs]
This is good. This is a selfless thing.
Thank you for allowing me to do a selfless thing.
Um,
if you could actually text my work partner to let her know...
Fuck off.
Right. I'm gonna... I'm gonna fuck off.
Uh, Cowboy, pleasure.
- I got this. - Great. Namaste or whatever.
Tricky relationship, eh?
No, it's pretty simple, actually. He's an asshole and I hate him.
Look, man, half the guys in the UFC got daddy issues,
so let's use it. Let's go train. Come on.
[grunting]
Let's go. Earn it. Earn it.
- Come on, Pootie. Is this a joke? - [grunting]
- [Donald] No one's really this weak. - [inhales deeply]
- [grunting] - [Donald sighs] Come on.
What is up, my Pootie Shoe-bies?
We out here getting our Pootie punches in with my boy Cowboy Cerrone.
In the immortal words of Jake Paul, "It is every day, bro."
Pootie is gonna be fighting LOL_Trevor.
Pootie is gonna get absolutely annihilated.
Team LOL gonna turn Pootie Shoe into Pootie Soup.
[screaming]
- What did you say to piss him off? - I don't know. I...
- Hmm. - He has a thing for cats.
He's big, slow. You're lanky as shit.
Look, if we can get the fight to the ground, we can control him.
Just need you to go out there and shoot the leg.
Shooting the leg is the only way you're gonna win.
[both grunting]
[Donald] No. Wrong.
[breathes heavily]
Do it again.
- [panting] - Attaboy. Come on.
[grunting]
Right? This you. That. No, no.
Go! Let's go!
- Where you going? - [retches]
- [breathing heavily] Turn it off! - Oh, come on.
You seeing this, LOL_Trevor? [exclaims]
- Good. - That's you.
Keep talking, douchebag.
In just a few more weeks, Uncle Trev's coming to beat your ass.
I'm so ready for fight night.
It's gonna be, like, even more iconic than when Fantasia beat Diana DeGarmo
on American Idol.
Pootie, Trevor,
all you have to offer the world is beating each other up?
So lame, dude. I mean, I'm... I'm gonna watch, but super lame.
- [Donald] Shoot the leg, man. - [Pootie Shoe grunting, groans]
- [grunting] - [Donald] Almost.
[yells] Fuck!
Again. Let's go. Come on. Gotta get the fight to the ground.
Keep that energy. Let's go.
A-what-what, it's your Poot man. We are in week three of my training.
I got the eye of the tiger. [imitates roar] Fists of fury.
There it is. There it is. There you go.
Fifteen. That's what I'm talking about, Pootie.
[grunts]
- [Donald] Come on. Come on. Come on. - Pootie Press.
[grunting]
Fuck! [breathes heavily]
You're all right, kid. You're getting it. One more.
[podcaster 1] I've been watching Pootie spar, bro.
He's getting fucking lit up.
- I got .08 Ether riding on this fight. - [podcaster 2] Whoa.
That's a lot of coin for you, brother.
[streamer] Fight night is here.
If Pootie doesn't win, I'm gonna send Trevor a box of my farts,
which smell really bad because I ate a lot of jerky.
Good. Yes.
- Whoo! - Oh, yeah, Trevor.
- My man's a killer. - [exclaims] Huh? You want some of this?
- There you go. There you go. Yes. - [grunting]
- [yells] Whoo! [panting] - Nice.
- I swept the leg. I swept the leg. - Hey.
- [panting, chuckles] Yes! - You did it, kid. You did it. [chuckling]
[cheers]
Tonight is the night.
We got Sideshow Bob Junior fighting that Teen Wolf-looking boy.
Now, let's watch these weird-ass Internet white boys kill each other.
[person in crowd] I wanna have your babies, Pootie!
Mouthpiece? Cup?
- Good luck. - [announcer] All right, fight fans.
- Are you ready to go? - [crowd cheers]
- I'm scared. [mumbles] - You with me?
I'm scared. He's fucking huge. Dude's gonna murder me.
Listen, all bullshit aside,
when we first started, I thought maybe he could've killed you,
but you've come a long way.
You have a real shot at winning this. You really do.
I believe in you. You've got this.
- You believe in me? - Yes, I'm here.
Listen, when you get out there, do like we trained,
stay the course,
get the fight to the ground, win the fight.
- Control the fight, win the fight. - Control the fight, win the fight.
Yes, sir. Let's go!
I'm fucking proud of you, son!
I mean...
Boy. Damn it. Proud of you, boy. Proud of you.
[overlapping chatter]
[person in crowd] Let's do this. Come on!
[grunts]
Ready?
Pootie, you ready?
Rip his fucking face off, Pootie!
Fight!
[bell rings]
[crowd exclaiming]
We're done. We're done. It's over.
Meow, meow, bitch!
- [bell rings] - [crowd clamors, applauds]
[crowd chanting] Meow, meow, bitch! Meow, meow, bitch!
Meow, meow, bitch!
[referee] Pootie. Pootie. You okay, bud?
Knocked out. Knocked out. That's it.
[bell echoing]
[footsteps approaching]
[Shannon exclaims] Oh, the swelling's gone down.
I can see your eyes again.
Yeah.
I did it, Mom.
- I know. I know you did, sweetheart. - No.
- Try to get some rest. - No, I mean, I...
I did it.
- I got the ten million. - Mmm.
Look, the viewership numbers are huge.
- Did you watch? - Uh-huh... No, I couldn't watch.
I had to go outside.
I, uh, got to talking with Silvia,
the woman who sells the bacon-wrapped hot dogs,
and she was telling me that her son doesn't listen to her for shit either.
I gotta text Spencer. I wanna get out of this Cold Alliance thing as soon as...
That can wait. That can wait. That can wait.
Mom, I've been waiting.
I have control over my stream and my brand now.
[Shannon sighs]
- I just need control over my money. - Okay.
I'm gonna make you a deal.
If you swear on your guido grandpa's grave
- to never fight again... - No problem.
...then I will call the lawyer
and I will get the ball rolling on the emancipation.
- Really? - Yeah. If that's what you want,
then I'm... I'm not gonna stand in your way.
Thanks, Mom.
Of course, sweetie.
All you had to do was fracture your orbital bone.
Let's get this here, all right?
- Ow. [groans] - Yes, I know. I know. I know.
- [clicking tongue] Ow... Owie. Owie. - Don't press on it.
- [Spencer] Thanks. I already called her. - [Cheryl] You're not even hearing me.
- [Spencer] I called the guy twice! - [Cheryl] I got it.
Jesus. Your face.
Uh, is Spence home? I... He-He wasn't answering my texts, so...
It's a Saturday.
- So? - Okay, s-sorry,
we're in the middle of something right now, so... [chuckles]
God forbid we try to get through a weekend without one of you guys showing up.
I-I got this, hon. Why don't you, uh... Why don't you go back inside? Okay?
[sighs] Sorry about that.
- Everything cool? - Yeah, thanks. Yeah, we're good.
Um...
Oof. Ooh, look at you.
You look like you got your ass kicked. How are you feeling? [sighs]
Uh, no, I've been great, actually.
You know, we hit our number, so, yeah...
so make it happen. Get me out of the contract.
So, you're ready to be an adult, huh?
Just got my ass kicked in front of three million people, so, yeah.
Okay, yeah, look, uh... [sighs]
I'm gonna do whatever you want, pal,
- you know? - Sure.
I know you're itching for a seat at the adult table and I get it.
You know, you got your whole life ahead of you.
And it's gonna be a great life too.
I guarantee you're gonna meet a girl,
you know, someone you can't even believe would give you the time of day.
You know, fall in love, put a ring on it, get the house, have a kid.
Everything's gonna be perfect.
Well, until...
till you find out it's not.
[stammers] Who knows what that'll be, you know? Maybe...
I don't know, maybe she breaks your heart. Maybe you lose all your money.
[breathes deeply]
Remember that kid of yours?
You know, this beautiful, happy little boy,
running around playing with his dad,
maybe you find out this kid's not gonna be as lucky as you are, you know?
Life's not just gonna work out perfectly for him.
Next thing you know, you're dealing with, uh, hospitals, doctors.
You're trying everything, physical therapists, speech therapists,
medical bills, there's... there's nothing you can do.
That's gonna put stress on that fairy-tale marriage, you know?
And there's gonna be marriage therapists, a lot of fighting.
But you gotta suck it up, right? You gotta... gotta keep on going.
[sniffles] Hell, you gotta pay for it all.
And the only way to do that is eat a bunch of shit from spoiled teenagers.
Sometimes on a Saturday. But... [sighs]
that's what being an adult is. [sighs]
Shit, I'm...
I'm sorry, man. I d... I... I-I didn't know any of that.
Well, how could you? You never asked 'cause you're just a kid.
Be grateful for what you have while you have it.
Don't be in such a rush to grow up 'cause the world...
is still gonna be there in a year, just waiting to hit you in the face
like a fucking sledgehammer, man. [breathes deeply]
So, you cool if we talk about this Monday?
- Yeah. Yeah, it's cool. - Yeah?
Yeah, sounds good.
[chuckles]
Okay, bud.
[breathes deeply]
Did you tell him how much you won after betting against him?
No, Cheryl, I did not.
Why aren't you dressed? We got a court date, kid.
Gotta get your ass emancipated.
Yeah, I'm not sure I'm feeling it today. Mind if we blow it off?
You're not feeling it?
Yeah, I don't know. I thought I might just,
you know, play some guitar,
smoke a bowl, surf some dank memes.
Try to enjoy myself.
You got it, kid.
[Pootie Shoe] Hey, guys, it's, uh...
it's been a while.
I guess, as you've probably noticed, I've been, uh,
sort of going through some stuff. [chuckles]
Uh, it's been rough.
I was raised by video games,
so I always thought that growing up was about getting to the next level.
But...
I think that maybe life is not something you wanna speedrun.
And that's why I decided to make a big change.
Um, so effective immediately,
I... [sighs]
will be ending...
my partnership with Blessed Beast. What?
Truth is, your boy's a vegan, all right?
And I wanna be a hundred percent with you from now on,
which is why you'll be able to trust my new review
of the Cold Alliance Nebulon DLC that is dropping this Friday.
That is not one that you're gonna wanna miss.
But, um, you guys are great listeners.
You cuties keep me young, and I'll see you tomorrow. Pootie out.
[chuckles]