[radio DJ] We're sending love and prayers to all of our listeners today.
We're mourning the lost souls, the affected families,
and the affected album releases.
Specifically, I would like to send my condolences to Jay-Z, Nickelback,
and so many more fantastic artists.
But this is a time to do what America does best, folks.
Come together. Let's keep each other safe, New York.
And let's also be on the lookout for anyone who might look threatening, okay?
Look them in the eye. Focus on the eyes, folks.
All evil intentions that people have will be in their eyes.
[Arabic singing] ♪ Suspicious ♪
[gasping, panting]
[singing in Arabic]
[sighs, groans]
…the smoldering rubble…
…the explosions are…
Today, we've got a high of 65
and a low of the terrorists still remain unknown.
[presenter] Welcome to "Free Justin Timberlake,"
the story of a tender-hearted white boy
who dreamt of co-opting Black art to make millions
but was deceived by a nasty woman, Britney Spears.
Did Britney do 9/11 just to get back at Justin?
We take a closer look.
Oh, shit, you're back! Teta! I mean…
Yay. I am in love with you.
Pervert.
Hide your families! [screams]
Breaking news alert.
We now have identified all of the terrorist attackers.
Don't change the channel.
-And… they… are… -Please, not all Muslim, not all Muslim.
Give me Christian, Buddhist, Jew, Hindu, Atheist, Agnostic, Hare Krishna…
anybody. Please, ya Allah.
They are all Muslim.
19 for 19: Muslim, Muslim, and more Muslim.
Shit! Shit! More shit!
Astaghfirullah. They look like me!
[grunts]
Yallah.
[sighs]
[yelps, babbles]
[exclaims]
[yelps]
[Rumi] …and in these pyramids, you'll find mummies of great Pharaohs.
And it's possible that I am related to one of these pharaohs.
-I don't have proof or anything… -Mm-hmm.
…but you never know. So, if anyone, even a teacher, wants to marry me,
you could be royalty. [chuckles]
That's so boring I wanna die even more than I already do.
My advice? Work the pity-sex angle, man.
You wanna bang your teacher?
Your grandpa is dead! Use it.
I don't wanna use my dead grandpa.
I'm burning her a mix CD.
-[Lamby] Wow. -[Rumi] Check this out.
Fuck! It's got six more hours to burn? That's a whole school day.
You could burn me way quicker.
I take 40 minutes at 400. Even less if you wanna go rare.
-Lamby, not now. -[groans]
Okay, God, give me the grace and strength of MJ
so that I may score like Vili.
Let's do it.
Pray for my death.
♪ USA, USA Hello, everybody, USA ♪
…the heck is a Muslim extremist?
Teta, niqab off, now.
-Pervert! -I don't want to look at you.
I just need you to look more American.
[in Arabic] I'm not listening to a desperate man
trying to change his face like Michael Jackson.
[in English] Michael Jackson? I look like America's morning hottie…
Matthew Lauer.
Teta, habibi, didn't you hate your niqab?
Didn't your husband make you wear it?
Guess what. He's dead! Be liberated!
Put on a tank top, mini skirt, heels, enjoy yourself.
Please, everybody enjoy themselves, now!
[in Arabic] He did make me wear this, and when he died,
I decided I'm not going to let men tell me what to do.
So yes, I was gonna take this off soon, but now that you, a man,
have told me to, it stays on. Even indoors.
Pervert.
[in English] Jesus Christ, why are you still in hijab? We're inside!
I am going through a lot! And it feels nice.
And since when do you say, "Jesus Christ?"
Since today. Everyone says that in Amrika.
Anything. They get a burger,
they say, "Jesus Christ, hamburger."
He's one of our prophets, too.
Try it. It feels nice. Say it.
Say it!
Say, "Jesus Christ will save us."
-[stairs creaking] -Mona!
-[groans] -[chuckling] Gorgeous!
Here we are, nicely Amriki.
Give us a spin. Show everyone how to dress.
Teta, look.
Pervert.
Don't spin. The only thing spinning is your father's mind.
I haven't lost my mind.
You killed your father.
And now, even worse, you're trying to kill our reputation.
Don't say that!
[Grandpa, in Arabic] But it's the truth.
That's why I'm stuck.
-[in English] She cursed me. -[gasps] Bismillah.
[Hussein, in Arabic] What? What's the problem?
[in English] I felt something. It was next to me!
[in Arabic] Of course you did!
[in English] The hijab, it's messing with your, uh, periphery.
Ah, I can't see anything because it's covering everything up.
Take it off!
Pervert. [spits]
[shrieks] My eye!
Mind your own periphery. My periphery, my choice.
Can I tell you two something… about me?
-Eh? -What?
I heard Rumi in his room talking to that lamb about sex.
He's insane.
No! The lamb was talking to me about suicide!
Rumi! How many times? Do not talk to animals!
I get it. It's tempting.
-[tender music playing] -Sometimes the world is overwhelming,
and you find yourself sitting at the corner talking with a rodent,
a bird, a squirrel,
because the stress of communicating with another human feels impossible.
But listen, you need to be Mr. Normal America.
Fight these temptations.
If your ethnicity comes up at school, lean into being from Egypt.
Toss the Saudis under the bus.
Only one out of 19 attackers were Egyptian.
Egypt is our only way out of this.
[screams]
[school bell rings]
[singing in Arabic]
-[gasps] -It's him!
What the fuck is that?
My poster for my Egypt presentation.
Yeah, better be.
What?
[Arabic singing] ♪ American flag ♪
A lot has happened in the last 24 hours,
and I just want you to know it will not stop us
from completing our summer show-and-tell.
When Michael Jordan had the flu in game five of the 1997 NBA Finals,
he didn't let that stop him.
He still gave everything he had on the court.
And after the game, I can confirm he still had plenty of fluids left over.
That will be us, class.
Full of fluids.
So, let's welcome to show-and-tell us about Egypt,
[exaggerated Arabic dialect] Rrammeechh Hussein.
Did-- Did I say that right?
I've been learning dialects from Wolf Blitzer this morning.
Uh, actually it's just "Rumi,"
like you've said all the other days.
Oh, okay. [chuckles]
Feel welcome in our homeland.
-Ramalai Chhhhaaa. -[Arabic music playing]
Oh, wow, okay, we're doing this. [chuckles]
-[Mrs. Malcolm] Go ahead. -[Rumi] Okay.
[clears throat, sniffs] Okay.
So today, my show-and-tell is about Egypt.
You've heard of it. But have you really?
Today, I'm going to show you everything that you--
My dad says you hate America.
Why do you hate America?
Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Brock. Very good question.
Getting us into an open dialogue. Those are the best dialogues.
Class, as Ramychyaaa Hussein here presents Egypt,
I want you to feel free to ask him whatever you wish,
and he can answer like a genie.
[class clamoring]
-Why do you hate America? -Uh, no, Brock, I don't hate America.
My family's just from Egypt.
Like the pyramids. And this here is…
-Why weren't you here yesterday? -My grandpa died.
-Did he blow himself up? -No. Heart attack. Thank you, Courtney.
-I bet his heart was full of attacks. -Brock?
Do you get 72 virgins in heaven if you blow yourself up?
I do not believe so.
Do you get 72 virgins in heaven if you blow yourself?
Probably also no.
Are you a virgin?
[laughs] I mean, aren't we all 12? No comment, next question.
In your terroristic opinion, how would you go about shooting up the whole class
and killing the whole school?
[laughing] Wayne, you goofball.
Ah, I'm loving this. Best show and tell of all time.
Class, show your questions.
And Rumi, tell your truths.
Guys, I don't know any terrorists.
[PA system beeps]
[receptionist] Will Rumi Hussein please come to the principal's office?
There is a call from your uncle in jail.
He's being held for terrorism.
Did you all hear that?
Or is it just in my head, and I'm going insane?
We all heard it.
[receptionist] He's running out of call time. Seems urgent.
Putting receiver to intercom. [static]
[Ahmed] Habibi, Rumi, Rumi!
Please bring me my cigarettes as soon as you possibly can.
Inshallah. Take your father's car. Drive here. Inshallah.
Well, we'll continue this open dialogue another day
when you're done with your uncle's terrorism.
Next up in show-and-tell is Dev.
This is my moment! I've always wanted to be the less weird brown kid.
India's about to be the new Egypt.
Thanks, Rumi. [clears throat]
I'm honored to present to you a dope architectural feat
that is not for terrorists. The Taj Mahal.
-[cheering] -Yes, I love it!
The Taj Mahal's a Muslim building, too.
-[class booing] -No. That's fucked up.
[prison door buzzing]
Whoa. You have hair?
Yeah. Grows quick. I shave it so my brother doesn't feel insecure.
Rumi, habibi, don't look so worried, man!
Come on, give your uncle a high-five.
Don't dirty the glass, sandfucker!
-[laughing] -Why are you laughing? This seems bad.
Should I ask my parents for bail money?
No. They are not offering bail.
-What are you charged with? -Unclear.
The charge on the warrant is that I have "terrorist vibes."
I'll be out of here in a week tops, man.
Tell your dad not to worry. You know how paranoid he gets.
So, do you have my cigarettes?
Thank you, habibi.
Lots of bartering in here, let me tell you, you know?
Without these, my cellmate says I'd be jumped by the Tri-State Neo-Nazis.
And when they say "jump," they don't mean, you know,
with legs that go bouncing. No, no.
They mean take a person's face and smashing it into a pavement.
Yeah, man. I was jumped into a gang, so I am like a part of the gang now.
Like a violent gang or a like-minded group of friends?
It's not like the Blood or the Crips. They're like a off-shoot,
and inshallah they grow to be a bigger gang, you know.
Thank you to Spider who's really a good leader.
Sweet guy, man. He showed me how to jump someone properly.
-[prison door buzzing] -Ah, well. That's my time.
-I love you, Ru-- -No extra time, al-Qae-dick!
[groaning]
Due process, here I come! [groans]
Oh, you smell nice-- let me-- [screams]
-Marcus? -Oh, hey there, Rumi.
Bodacious seeing you here, playboy.
Bodacious, too, but what are you doing here?
My favorite uncle is in jail,
and I always visit him every Wednesday, jack.
Oh, crazy. Yeah, I have a jail uncle, too.
I know that, baby. It was on the loud speaker.
-[Ahmed screams] -Okay, you heard that.
Well, listen, it's a misunderstanding. He'll be out soon.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, right. My uncle said the same thing.
Really? What did he do?
Weed. He was near a guy who knew a dude who smoked it for a little bit.
And if you're Black, ha, that's a 20-year sentence.
Okay, Marcus, why are you talking like this?
And looking like this?
Well, my uncle hasn't been in the world since the '80s,
and he's stuck in this style.
So I code-switch to be this way for him instead of my actual style.
So school's your real style?
Not at all. Ever notice what I wear?
Sunset Shirt, Ski Mountains Shirt, Pastoral Farm Landscape Shirt,
Sailboat at the Sea Shirt, and Log Cabin in the Woods Shirt.
My code-switch persona at school
is all about wearing non-threatening landscapes.
Whoa. I thought I knew you.
You ain't never met me.
Being yourself in public is a very white thing to be able to do.
You need to learn how to code-switch ASAP.
Shit, I gotta figure it out. I need a switch.
There's no exact method, okay?
When it's your time, when you feel lonely and afraid enough,
it'll happen. Okay? That's it.
Now, I'm losing my '80s code-switch character talking to you, jack.
-I'll see you at the vigil, playboy. -I didn't know there was a vigil.
At Garret's house. TTFN kid.
His grandpa got killed in the attack.
Everyone got a flier at school.
Oh, wait. I heard someone say, "Don't give one to Bin Laden's bitch."
And now I'm realizing that's you. You're Bin Laden's bitch.
Okay, yeah, but I'm not.
I know. But you are.
[Rumi] Fuck.
[rapid drumming]
["The Star-Spangled Banner" playing]
What is all this stuff?
Looks like we're celebrating 9/11.
[grunts]
All the people are going to think we're insane.
No arguing.
Outside, we only use our inside voices.
Hey, Dad, how much is this gonna add to our electricity bill?
Maybe unplug a few things.
[laughing] Oh, funny, funny joke, daughter.
No price is too high for American pride.
"Red, white, and bills." That's what I always say.
I love taxes!
Oh, Rumi, my son. Come, you little cub scout.
Help Papa put a Mount Rushmore model on the roof.
I-I can't. I'm going to a vigil for a classmate
whose grandpa died in the attack.
I wasn't invited, but I really feel like I should be there.
Yes. Yes, we must go.
All of us will go. Jesus Christ.
You're getting further and further from how to properly use "Jesus Christ."
Oh, my Sharon. My sweet Caroline.
♪ Sweet Caroline, ho-ho-ho… ♪
♪ Merry Christmas ♪
My name is Sharia!
I sense a disagreement. We're going inside now. [laughing]
Inside.
[glitching sounds]
Okay. We are going to the vigil.
The whole family.
This is our chance to prove ourselves.
We will all grab as many candles as we can.
We will be candle family.
Someone's dead. We will show them that we care.
Back me up, Sharon. Let's go, baby.
I have made this very clear, Hussein.
I am not Sharon anymore. I am Sharia.
The name my father gave me.
Okay. Call yourself whatever you want.
Just no hijab, okay?
Al hijab has brought me comfort in my grief.
It has brought me pride, not shame.
You cannot force us to go to this vigil and tell us how to dress.
Yes, I can! We are going to show everyone that we are normal people, not terrorism.
We are fucking peaceful!
Listen, someone in our community was killed.
We should go just for that.
It doesn't matter what people think, even if it's painful.
We should go to show love, to help heal.
You know, like the real Rumi said,
"The wound is where the light enters you."
-Pervert. -Okay. Do you know what that means?
-She won't stop saying it. -[exclaims] She learned a new word.
Support her. You should be supporting her.
Guys, this vigil sounds really emotional, and Gina's gonna be there.
She's already always kind of vigil-level emotional.
I think we should just stay home.
Rumi's right. We're all going. Dressed however we wish.
And anyone who doesn't go is grounded.
-[groans] -You can't ground me. I'm the father!
-[growls] -Okay. Fine, fine.
Everyone's going to do whatever they want.
Nobody listens to Baba.
I am bringing extra candles and protect this family.
Jesus Christ.
[wheels squeaking]
[speaks indistinctly]
[murmuring]
Sharon, what's that on your head?
[laughing] Hi. It's a scarf.
My wife has very sensitive ears.
It is a religious garment.
I am a Muslim, and I am proud.
And I no longer am going by Sharon, just so everybody knows.
My real name is Sharia.
Sharia Law.
This country needs sharia law!
Don't you dare roll away from me.
-Hey, Marcus. -Whoa, don't come over here, man.
Stay your ass away.
Whoa! Your parents are Bill Cosby and Oprah?
[Marcus] No, man, they're code-switching.
Cosby and Oprah are white people safe,
especially on a loaded somber occasion.
Don't bring your shit onto us.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry for yours as well.
Yeah, that's it. I gotta be somebody else.
-[glitching sounds] -[gasping, screaming]
I love Bill Cosby! He teaches amazing family values.
Rumi, that's some good switching, my boy. You learn quick.
Don't do it here, man. Put that shit away.
-[glitching sounds] -[groaning]
Fucking shame what happened to this family.
Those vicious fucking kebab-ers killing our people.
Totally knew you were one of the good ones.
I am indeed, Brock.
I'm a good Muslim.
I love a good round of golf and summering in the Vineyard.
A golf and Vineyard man. I love it!
-[glitching sounds] -[shrieking]
Totally. We're all in this together.
-[glitching sounds] -I don't think 9/11 was Arabs.
I think it was He Who Should Not Be Named.
-Gina! -Don't talk to me.
We were both supposed to come out yesterday.
That was the whole point of us picking a special day.
So that way, we wouldn't hang the other out to dry,
which you've done to me. I'm out alone!
Listen, I want to come out more than anything.
It's just with 9/11, it's so hard…
as a Muslim woman.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't think about it like that for you
as a Muslim woman.
So, you're not pissed anymore?
Because I said I was a Muslim woman?
I mean, being a Muslim woman right now,
it's gotta be so much extra pressure, honey.
It is. It is hard.
As a Muslim woman… [echoes]
Oh, I'm so, so sorry. I totally understand.
I will come out as soon as I can.
♪ As a Muslim woman ♪
[swoons] I understand.
Maybe we look at 11/9? It's still our numbers.
[glitching sounds]
Rumi. You look like--
Like People Magazine's Vili Fualaau, who seduced Mary Kay Letourneau?
Yeah, I know.
Great class today, teaching about Islam.
I love teaching the children with you.
You and me, we got these kids.
I made you this… little disc.
Music for a music lover from a lover.
Oh, wow. [gasps] Thank you, Rumi.
Now, if we could bring our attention back up here,
I'd like to welcome the grandson of the deceased,
Garrett.
[applause]
-[organ music playing] -Grandpa was my BF,
my best friend.
Except, he was my grandpa, so he was my BG.
He was the most jiggy person I ever met,
and I'll miss all the times that we LOL'd and JK'd…
Every morning I'd tell him TTFN. No longer.
Because Grandpa, it's not "ta-ta for now."
It's TTF. Ta-ta forever.
Or TTUWMIHIIE.
Ta-ta until we meet in heaven if it exists.
-I love you. [sobbing] -[applause]
[clears throat] Now, before our final moment of silence,
are there any other loved ones that would like to speak?
Yeah, hold up. I'd like to speak.
Um…
-[glitching sounds] -Vineyard… [stammers] Voldemort…
[voice glitching]
Voldemort. Jell-O. [screams]
Tried to fly before he could swim. Rookie moves.
Rumi, tell them the truth about Islam!
Mom, not now!
Oh, definitely not now.
-Now! -[screaming]
[gasps, screaming]
[organ music continuing]
[fireworks whistling]
Consume us! [laughing] Consume us all! [laughs]
[wheels squeaking]
Hey, folks! You need some help over there?
No, no, no, no. Everything is fine. Thank you.
Look at this thing. It's all smudged and filthy.
I can help you get these fingerprints off.
I got a kit in one of these boxes here.
Hi. Who are you?
Hey, buddy, I'm the one usually asking those questions.
I'm Dan, your new neighbor. I just moved in across the street.
Oh, welcome to the neighborhood! Your kids will love it here.
Well, I only have a family every third weekend. [laughing]
My wife left me. Said I'm not "father material."
Just because I let my nephew drive the car. He's tall for 12.
Pretty fat, too.
You guys religious? I'm noticing your clothes.
-I am religious, Dan. -Yanhar aswad.
Yes! We are Jesus people.
Love thy neighbor. I am Lord. [laughing]
All right. Very nice.
Just glad to hear I have such great neighbors.
I was worried, moving into such a dangerous neighborhood.
My job's super cheap with the relocation fees.
You know how it is. Bureau barely pays for shit.
[chuckles] Yes. I know how it is… [stammers] …with the bureau.
Uh, which bureau do you work for?
The Federal Bureau of Investigation. You know, FBI.
[gasping]
[Arabic singing] ♪ Investigation ♪
Jesus Christ. Very good.
USA. Very good, very good.
Hot dog. [chuckles] Hot dog.
[Arabic singing] ♪ Investigation ♪
♪ I think I'm scared ♪
♪ But I'm sitting with my family Got to show them that I'm brave ♪
♪ Sometimes I'm quiet ♪
♪ But I think it's just because I might scream ♪
♪ I've got to be Mr. Tough Guy ♪
♪ I'm the Dad ♪
♪ But sometimes… ♪
[sighs]
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh, the darkness ♪
♪ Comes for me ♪
♪ And I don't know what to do ♪
♪ Yeah, the darkness Oh, it comes for you, too ♪
♪ And what do you do? ♪
♪ I think I'm gonna fight for the light ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I think I'm gonna fight for the light ♪
♪ Baby, I'm fighting the fight ♪
-[music ends] -[crickets chirping]
[piano keys clang]
Inshallah, Spider, we will be the strongest gangsters in this prison.
That's all you got? Push, man, don't be a little bitch. [exhales]