What is it, Ian?
Phil, your work on this new dancing game is great.
That disco-ball effect that you suggested for Mythic Dance
is really gonna make it sing.
I didn't suggest that. You suggested that.
I must have been inspired by my new earrings.
You see how they dance and glitter?
You told me you didn't need anything else for Mythic Dance, Ian.
Yeah, sorry.
Phil, let's take this opportunity to learn a lesson from the earrings.
Fucking earrings.
The pressure that we're under right now is what's gonna make Mythic Dance
turn from a lump of coal
into a hand-cut eight-carat diamond in a white-gold setting.
- Great. - Look, I know it's your day off,
- and I just-- - It's not my day off.
I'm on vacation.
I don't even know why I'm talking to you right now.
You're talking to me because you know that Japan is a quarter of the market,
and the Minister of Culture has to allow it in the country.
- It's mai tai o'clock. Boop. - And you know--
Hey.
We're dancing 'cause it's mai tai o'clock.
It's mai tai o'clock.
You just hung up on Ian.
Yeah, I know. I'm saying bye-ian to Ian.
It's vacation.
- I'm sorry. You're right. - Thank you.
We haven't had one in two years.
I'm not gonna let your work thing ruin it.
And your weirdly yoked, bargain-bin-Criss-Angel-ass boss
can survive one week without you.
He's gonna have to because as of this moment, Maude,
I am officially free from Mythic Quest.
Oh, Phil.
Our vacation starts n--
Hold on one sec.
Our vacation starts no--
Remember that because I'm gonna show you something.
Oh, my God. Maude, we've talked about this.
- No, I-- - He's so cute.
Look at his stupid little face.
His dumb, little naked-ass body.
I love you, Daddy.
I love him so much.
I'm his mommy.
I can see. He's very cute, but I mean, we just don't have the space,
and I feel bad adopting Milton
and not having a backyard for him to run around in.
Okay, so maybe it's time that we look for a house.
All right. Well, let's think about this.
What if we get locked into a mortgage and you come home with, I don't know,
Colin Firth?
I wouldn't dump you for a Colin less than Farrell, honey.
I love you.
Have you looked under your plate?
- Okay, the menu. - Yeah.
See what they have for dessert.
Oh, my God.
Bug, it's so good.
I love it.
You just looked so beautiful. I just had to capture it.
I know it's a little cheesy, but...
It's not cheesy. It's so good.
When we get back, you have to quit.
And you have to start the design studio in the garage
like you always say that you're going to.
Well, I mean, right now, our townhouse's shared garage
is full of that CrossFit asshole's tractor tires.
But, you know, I am just bullshitting when I say all that stuff about Ian because,
you know, he has pushed me very hard, and he's made me good.
I wouldn't have been able to draw that without Ian.
I'm lucky to have him.
Okay, he's lucky.
If Ian could do what you do, then he would.
And maybe he did make you better, okay,
but whatever.
It's time that you just need to bet on yourself, and do it.
This is so good.
Hello?
Phil Niekro. Knuckleball. Knucks.
How's the world's greatest art director?
Need to talk to you about the Japan presentation. I think--
It was Ian.
How does he know what hotel we're at?
Oh, shit.
Ian has all of his employees share location.
Are you insane?
Okay, yeah, no. We're not doing that.
That is kook-alicious.
All done.
We have taken the tracking chip out of your neck.
You're welcome.
Guess I should've done that a while ago.
Well, it's okay. I got you, bug.
Keep doing that. I like it.
- No! - Stop.
Come on. We did it.
- It's not worth the hike. - Okay.
That's really good.
Look out there so you're looking at that and not remembering this.
Okay.
Fuck.
Good job.
And breathe.
On the inhale, switch positions with your partner.
Jesus Chr-- Is that your back?
It feels like a goddamn bag of limes, Phil.
Oh, my God.
How long have you two been married?
We're not married.
Now, one partner lie on your belly
while your lover stands over you gently pulling your wrists.
Well, I think you're just adorable.
It seems like you've been together forever.
It's been a little over three years, so,
- yeah. - Okay.
Well, you must be pretty special.
I mean, a girl like her could get anyone, you know?
I mean, a girl like her could get anyone.
A girl like her could get anyone.
She could have anyone.
- Fuck, my tits, Phil. - Sorry, Maude.
Let's move into supta baddha konasana.
- I'm sorry. - Excuse me.
It's okay.
Hello?
My apologies.
Is there a Phil here?
- This is Phil. - Here. Hi.
It's apparently an emergency.
Someone's on the phone?
- Hello? - Is that your phone?
Phil-Lando Calrissian.
Before you ask how I got this number, I have access to military satellites.
Anyhoo, I need a dozen mock-ups for some hats.
Some hats?
Yep. I realized what's missing
is some old-school Fred Astaire razzle-dazzle.
You're the only man to do it. You're my guy.
Now, if you could can get those hat options by 7:00, that'd be awesome.
Look, if I send you a few sketches, will you leave me the fuck alone?
No, absolutely not. Phil, turn it off.
We're strengthening our pelvic floor right now.
Okay, I gotta go.
- Is everything okay? - Yes, I'm sorry.
Please continue.
"Namastee."
Danke.
Arigato.
What?
This sunset is so fucking beautiful, I could die.
This sunset is so fucking beautiful, I could, like, punch a dolphin.
Sunset is so beautiful, I could, like--
like, rip my own leg off and eat it.
We're so cute.
I'm so happy I'm here with you.
That it's just you and me,
but someone's missing.
Who?
It's Milton.
- Oh, my God. - I know.
Did you make him your lock screen?
- Yeah. - Momo.
I think about him. Someday.
Someday.
A proposal.
Right there.
...like her could get anyone.
- And that's another proposal. - ...like her could get anyone.
- Oh, my gosh. Skywriter. - She could have anyone.
She could have anyone. She could have anyone.
Why would she want me?
She could have anyone. Why would she want me?
Aloha. My apologies for the delay, sir.
Here's your main course.
I poop better husbands than you.
Oh, shit, Phil. Are you okay?
I'm fine.
I just hate soup.
I love you.
I don't know how many times I can tell you that you're the one that I want.
I mean, a girl like her could get anyone.
Nobody knows this game better than you.
I just keep telling you over and over.
You're the greatest art director I've ever worked with.
Bug?
What are you doing, bug?
Nothing. I was--
The ocean looks so beautiful, I just needed to draw.
It's black as shit out here, bug.
You can barely see the ocean.
It is.
- Let me see it. - It's nothing.
I wanna wait till it's finished.
- Phil? - I wanna wait till it's finished.
Is that a porkpie hat on a fucking dwarf?
- Look-- What? - Cool.
So you're working right now?
No, no, no.
- Well-- - That's my own dwarf-hat thing.
- It is? - Yeah, it is.
And just so you know, that is a homburg, not a porkpie.
We're on vacation, Phil.
We're supposed to be here to reconnect, relax,
not draw little outdated hats for little fairy creatures.
But if I don't do some work now, all I'm gonna be thinking about is
all the extra work I'm gonna have to do when we get home,
which would cancel out all the relaxing time.
Phil, you're wound tighter than ever.
You screamed at soup.
Let me just do three hats, and then I'll be done.
It's always three hats or 20 swords
or a bigger, shinier codpiece for a frickin' troll.
Do you really not wanna be here with me, Phil?
- Momo, come on. - Have to waste my time here.
- Hey. Hey. - Just tell me you don't wanna do it.
Of course I wanna be here.
There's no place I'd rather be.
For real.
Then tell Ian to leave you alone.
He's my boss. I can't just--
Phil, I have been so understanding about your job.
I think that I played it pretty cool
when I heard about the whole Jason-Bourne-tracking-you thing.
- I know. - I am done.
So you need to call him right now...
or I truly swear to God I'm going home.
It's pretty late, LA time.
Oh, my God.
He's probably not gonna pick up, but I'm calling.
- Hello? Fuck. - Hi, Phil.
Hey, Ian.
"Ians and tigers and bears, oh my."
- What? - Sorry, never mind.
I gotta talk to you about something.
I hope it's something about goblins wearing big old top hats.
It's not.
I'm on vacation with my girlfriend, my very beautiful,
wonderful,
understanding girlfriend.
And I'm not asking you. I'm telling you.
You do not talk to me until I get back.
Wow. Okay, yeah.
I can respect that.
Boundaries. Tight. I'll see you when you get back.
I just told Ian Grimm to fuck off.
You should've told him to go up his own asshole
and that you quit.
- That was pretty good though, right? - That was pretty good, bug.
Fuck yeah, it was.
Holy shit.
You're so happy.
Doesn't get much hotter than the traditional Samoan Fire Knife Dance.
But now, let's cool things down a bit with a little hula.
For this one, we're gonna need a few guests
to come up onstage and learn to hula.
Who do we have here?
Would you like to learn to hula?
We're Kim and Dan Rutherford from Cedar Point, Ohio.
And, yeah.
Yeah, let's do it.
Oh, God.
No.
It's okay, honey. I don't think she's coming to our table.
What's your name, sir?
Would you like to come up and dance hula for everyone?
In front of all these people?
Dancing? You're gonna mess this up. You can't do this.
- My name is Phil. Phil. - No, no.
- And-- - No, no.
- No. - You know what?
Hi. I'm Maude, and I would love to hula, so let's do this!
Thank you. Hey, thank you.
You're welcome.
Maude, you are the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.
Will you take my hand
as I lead you to the promised land in this holy...
Why am I getting religious?
- Momo... - What's that?
Nothing. I'm just very excited for our romantic-ass stroll on the beach.
Yeah!
Howdy, Phil.
Are you sure you're ready for this, dum-dum?
so I found a loophole.
This boy's parents are staying at your hotel,
so I wired them a thousand dollars to allow the boy to wear an earpiece.
Now I'm dictating everything the boy is saying.
Fart, butt, penis!
I did not say fart, or butt, or penis. That was just the boy.
Jacob, if you're not going to take this seriously,
please hand Phil the phone.
Fine.
Just take it.
Hey, Philly.
I think your ear might be infected.
Ear? No, that's totally normal.
That's just the earring settling in.
Look, Phil, we're at the finish line on this, man.
We just have to do one more thing.
We've got to fly to Japan to do the whole song and dance in person
to ensure that Mythic Dance is not offending cultural sensibilities.
So, go to Japan. Do the song and dance.
I mean, that's the thing you're good at, right?
I am good at it and I am going to go,
but I need you to come with me, Phil.
Look, man, nobody knows this game better than you do, including me.
You're the greatest art director that I've ever worked with.
Mythic Quest needs you.
Please.
Ian's right, you know?
You're a great art director, but you'd be a piece of shit husband.
I say go for it.
Okay. I'll do it.
Nice catch, Jacob.
Look, I know what you're gonna say, Momo, but Ian needs me and I--
I need you, Phil. I need you.
Is spending a week with me in a really beautiful place,
is that just so difficult for you?
Is it so horrible that you wanna run away
'cause your boss said one nice thing about you?
Okay, no answer. No, no. That's good.
It's not gonna be more than 24 hours.
You're not gonna even know that I'm gone, Maude.
- Right. - Ian is just-- He needs--
- Ian? - Yeah.
I don't give a fuck about Ian. This is not about Ian.
I don't think that you wanna be happy.
And you're terrified of finding any joy or love for yourself
because you don't think you deserve it.
You don't think that you deserve me.
And...
you're doing a really good job of convincing me that that's true.
Why are you so much happier being miserable, bug?
I--
I don't know.
Konichiwa, Phil Spector! He's a music producer. Also, a murderer.
That's a little dark.
Phil!
That's, like, the greatest homburg I've ever seen!
Great work!
What the fuck happened to your ear?
Why don't you take the earring out?
The ear is totally fine, Phil.
And I couldn't get the earring out, even if I tried.
But the Japanese won't let me in there for some health and safety bullshit,
which means I can't do the song and dance.
Which means you've gotta do the song and dance.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah. I can do it. I can walk them through the presentation--
Walk? Who said "walk"? I didn't say the word "walk."
I see the confusion. When I say "song and dance,"
you think I'm using a colloquialism,
when in fact I need you to demonstrate
the actual physical dance moves of the game for the Japanese now.
What?
Are you telling me that I left my fiancée
to come get humiliated in front of Japanese dignitaries?
Oh, my God. Wait, fiancée?
Phil, did you get engaged?
Mazel!
No. I mean, I meant to,
but I pr-- I had the-- I wrote it down.
But you bailed.
Because you knew that coming back to Mythic Quest was gonna be best for you.
No. No!
A normal life where I can go to Hawaii with Maude,
that's what's best for me.
Bilbo Baggins, are you in Hawaii right now or are you in Japan?
Yeah. You're in Japan.
Because Mythic Quest gives you what you need.
All that pressure, it took a lump of coal, and it turned it into a diamond.
That's what you are, Phil.
When you're at Mythic Quest, you're a diamond.
A beautiful, shining diamond.
I can barely see the diamond.
But I can.
He's standing right in front of me.
You know, this insane pep talk is actually kinda working.
You know how fucked up that is?
You're shining. You're absolutely shining.
I want you to go up there. I want you to find your light,
and I want you to shimmer like the beautiful gem that you are.
Konichiwa.
My name is Phil-san,
and I am honored to be in your country. It's lovely.
Beautiful, really.
I--
And now, I am...
I'm gonna demonstrate to you
the gameplay of Mythic Dance.
This is a fucking nightmare.
Ready?
Let's dance!
Missed a step.
Keep trying.
Wow. Bad dancing.
Keep trying.
Bad dancing.
Missed a step.
Keep trying.
Bad dancing.
You've lost her. Missed a step.
She could have anyone. Why would she want you?
- You've lost her. - Why would she want you?
She could have anyone.
Why would she want you? She could have anyone.
You don't deserve love.
She could have anyone. Why would she want you?
Thank you so much for trusting me with your project.
I know how much it means to you.
I'm truly honored to have you as my first client here
at PhilCo Design Firm.
Oh, Phil.
I love that we're getting married.
I don't love this,
so if we could just start over,
I have some ideas that could really make it sing,
if you're open to a collaboration.
All right.
Okay, we gotta get you a new office.
Can you shut the fuck up, please?