Hello, Kenneth. Where were you guys?
You missed my jazz brunch. I mean, good,
but what are you talking about?
I cook a delicious meal and curate jazz for my guests.
It is a happening.
The cats dig it the most.
It also takes me a few days after to drop the lingo, man.
I mailed you an invitation.
Yeah. Sorry, Kenneth.
Lots of important things
have been slipping through the cracks recently.
And also a jazz brunch.
Do we have a problem?
Okay, I think it might be time for a purge.
We doing it?
Right. All Mails Day.
Snail mail, e-mails, voicemail...
We'll get it all done in one swoop,
and then decide who to call back.
Maya and I will take cellphones.
On snail mail, it's Dylan. On e-mail, it's Ray.
And with ancient answering machine, here's Jimmy Jr.
Oh, DiMeos. Is there nothing you can't make slightly fun?
And go. Hey, we're pre-approved for a credit card.
Fools. Red-light ticket, Mom.
Ooh, I look fantastic. Save that.
Delete, delete, delete, delete.
Oh, Aunt Molly died.
Uncle Frank had a baby. It's a push.
Looks like we got a school letter.
Oh, school e-mail.
It's from... JJ's history teacher...
Mr. Powers. Mr. Powers.
Hi, there. This is Mr. Powers,
JJ's history teacher.
Could you please give me a call?
I'd like to have a talk about JJ, okay? Bye-bye!
We will call him back first, oh, Lord.
Captions by VITA...
Oh, Mrs. DiMeo, you look... hot.
What's the occasion? "Call My Wife Hot" Day?
Oh, thank you, Kenneth.
I connected with that teacher.
I am dressed for my first conference
about JJ in a mainstream school.
Will it be of the "Ray needs to skip a grade" variety
or the "Dylan lured another raccoon into class" variety?
Only time will tell.
Those little guys beg me to come in.
Ah, yeah! Today's the day!
I say "career," you say "fair."
Career. Fair.
Career. I'm sorry. You only get one.
Why are you so excited about the career fair?
Because today's the day I figure out
which career is gonna make Ray DiMeo Ray DiMillionaire.
Well, if you're cool with it taking several centuries,
stop by my booth.
Why are you even doing the fair, Dad?
It's not like working at the airport
is flashy or high-paying.
There are things that matter besides money,
like passion for the work.
You don't have that, either.
No, but the commute's good.
Commute's okay.
But the best part of my job
is the moment when you introduce the child
to its new service animal,
and, in an instant, the child knows it's safe.
Cool. How much do you make?
Of helping cool brands connect to their audience?
Let me answer your question with a question.
How much do you make?
So, how much do you make?
I told you... I'm a volunteer for a charity.
I make zero dollars.
You realize asking strangers how much they make
is incredibly rude.
Okay, how much do you make?
As you were.
I'm sorry it took us so long to get in touch.
Perhaps next time there's a message,
we can make Kenneth our little carrier pigeon.
Huh. Perhaps we should see what happens if you try that.
Right, to the matter at hand.
I have received some complaints
about JJ from the other students.
They're jealous.
They are... of his constant,
unpunished, insanely obvious cheating.
What?! What?!
W-H... "What?!"
That's ridiculous. JJ cheating?
How? I'm on him all the time.
Do I strike you as the kind of person
who's looking for conflict with any of you?
I mean, between liberal guilt and good old-fashioned terror,
I look at the three of you
and just pray that if I roll on my back,
someone will rub my tummy.
Is he a real teacher here? Hmm.
But I know what I saw.
JJ got a 92% on that test, and he did not earn it.
JJ is innocent.
If you think he didn't deserve the grade,
make him take the test again right now.
Fine.
You really do look nice.
What is it... your... your hair, or...
What is this?
How do you think I normally look?
You know.
What career are you?
It's actually more of a job...
uh, airport baggage handling supervisor.
Okay, have fun checking out other careers.
I'm sure they all let you keep unclaimed luggage
after the 90-day waiting period.
Oh, oh, do I have your attention now?
That's right. Who wants a suitcase?
The RIMOWA, hard case, with international stickers.
I have trained you well.
These look stupid.
Ugh, they smell awful.
Wait. Just me.
Well, I guess I dress like this now.
That is my favorite piece.
You have a very good eye.
Thank you.
So, uh, you sell jewelry?
Well, what we really sell here
at Kingsley & Kate is a lifestyle.
We are a multi-level marketing company
that lets anyone... even young people like you...
become sales ambassadors.
Here's how it works.
Cool diagram. It looks like a pyramid.
I don't see it.
Yasmin. Ray.
So, Yasmin, let me ask you one final question.
How much do you make?
Jewelry is considered the strongest industry ever,
and with our dynamic sales approach,
a Kingsley & Kate ambassador
can literally make an infinite salary.
Whoa.
I got a bunch of bags of dried pineapple
and picture of some kid.
Sweet haul, Nadia.
I want to be a baggage handler.
Ray, are you in this throng of adoring teens?
You seeing this triumph?
How can I be upset at someone so gorgeous?
Your top's ratchet. Where's it from?
Career fair suitcase.
We don't know what that is, but we like you.
Of course you do. I'm awesome.
Hey.
Your fries are ratchet.
Okay, you have 30 minutes.
Oh, hang on.
To eliminate all possibility of cheating...
Attention, please!
All other students leave the room now.
Go ahead. Okay.
"What decorated veteran was the first general-in-chief
of the Union army?"
"C"? Are you sure?
"B"?
"A"?
All right, well, your wish is my command.
Okay, next question. Mm-hmm.
"D"? Okay.
Writing "D" unless, maybe...
Oi! Jazz brunch.
Maya, shh. JJ's taking a test.
No, you're taking the test!
You are giving him all the bloody answers.
Me?! Yeah, you.
"A"? You sure it's not "B"? 'Cause it's "B".
And you are cheating.
You're cheating off me? That's awful.
It's also a bit flattering.
No one's ever cheated off me before.
I wasn't much of a student in high school, so...
I don't know her very well,
but I don't think she cares about this.
We owe you a tremendous apology.
I-I-I don't how you're not gloating.
You must be a very good person.
I am a Buddhist. We can talk later.
You wanted to be challenged,
you wanted to be put in a mainstream school,
and now you're wasting it.
No, this ends now. Let's go.
So, basically, I took that test.
You said it was a 92%? Now.
My son cheating.
Did you do all his bloody homework for him, as well?
No! I have nothing to do with the homework.
The stuff I learned is just from listening in class.
Hmm. Imagine if I actually did do the homework.
You're a smart kid, JJ. It's time to apply yourself.
Okay, let's take a look at your homework log.
Put in your password.
Do you not know the password?
When was the last time you logged in?
You don't do any of your homework at all?
Well, you're back here on the computer all the time.
Doing what?
Right, I am checking your search history.
No, no, no, no, no. Don't check a man's search history.
Oh, JJ, I'm sorry. I led us down this road.
"Emma Watson," "Emma Watson hot,"
"Emma Watson wheelchair-user boyfriend?"
It's a beautiful thing... hope.
So, clearly, you're not doing any work
and your teachers are letting you slide.
How does that make you feel?
"I didn't ask them.
They cut me s-slack.
Why say no?"
Because it's wrong. Because you are better than that.
God, I've never been so horrified.
Horrified at the price of today's designer jewelry?
I am, too.
Yeah, whatever this is, I'm gonna pass.
Look, your ensemble is fantastic.
I just... I feel like there's one piece missing
to make it all pop. Really?
Have you heard of Kingsley & Kate?
Oh, that awful jewelry company?
That stuff is hideous.
I was asking her! Ugh!
So, Mom, say, I was thinking about
our conversation about Kingsley & Kate.
Did you know that they hire top designers
to handcraft styles for any occasion?
No.
Ray!
Say, would you like to continue
this conversation in the backyard?
What have you done?
I became a brand ambassador.
You became a sucker in a pyramid scheme.
God, those are really ugly, aren't they?
How much have you sold? None.
Nobody appreciates fine jewelry in this Podunk town.
I'm screwed.
So I guess we're gonna have to buy this crap
and bail you out.
How much you on the hook for? 500 bucks.
We don't have that kind of money lying around.
Oh, Jimmy, you're gonna have to become a gigolo.
I'm worried that'd be almost too lucrative.
Hey, Shelby, glad you're feeling better.
So, who's trying to dress like us?
Look, I-I don't know who you are.
I don't even know who they are.
They think that I'm gonna ask. I ain't.
But I can assure you, this
isn't a look I'm trying to copy.
Wait up, you guys!
Good afternoon. Your attention, please.
We have bombarded your safe place
for reasons I cannot truly justify
other than the fact I love the element of surprise.
Now, you know my son JJ.
You've all been very generous with his grades.
Too generous.
You're giving him marks he has not earned.
That's ridiculous! No.
Oh, come on. We're all guilty.
Yes, it's easier to let him slide,
but to do so would be to rob JJ
of the chance to realize his true potential.
You suck. Oh, I suck?
Whoever said that sucks.
JJ does not want preferential treatment.
Do you, JJ?
"Starting next year."
No, now. Ignore that.
So just to be clear, we shouldn't give him
the answers to the questions before the test?
No, of course not.
It's okay he ain't take the test?
Don't you teach English here?
Not in no lounge.
Well, if he ain't take the test,
he fails the test, all right?
How is this okay?
In fairness, he's a great kid, and he's clearly very bright,
but, I mean, he deals with a lot.
I certainly don't want to give him a "D".
"You think I'd get a 'D'?"
Why would he get a "D"?
"If I tried, I wouldn't get a 'D'."
Finally, bit of pride.
"I'll ace the next test. You'll see."
That's right, JJ.
You're gonna do great, man.
You're going to do well.
Who are all these people?
This is your trunk show.
I can't sell this crap to my friends.
They'd never want to see me again.
That's okay with this crowd.
This is my "I don't need to see you again" list.
That's excellent.
There's the guy from jury duty
who I was supposed to have coffee with.
Our former mailman.
Drunk guy from the airplane
who I became Facebook friends with.
'Sup, Frank?
I just called him by the wrong name.
I should be embarrassed. I feel nothing.
Let's do this.
Yes! He's killing it.
Hey, what are you doing? Aren't you supposed to be studying?
Yeah, watch.
Okay, JJ, a crazed fan has kidnapped Emma Watson.
He will only free her
if you can name the first five states...
in order... to secede from the Union.
Go!
Blam!
Blips!
Plow!
Unh!
Yeah!
Dude's crushing it!
Well-done, sweetheart.
By the way, did you notice
that I didn't even have to check the book
to see if he was right?
Just jealous.
Giovanni, my former landlord.
Love the Christmas cards... keep them coming.
Hey, guy!
Al, it has been too long since we were stuck
in an elevator during that earthquake.
Good to see you.
Doug? Hey, Jimmy.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You're Cool Doug.
I meant to invite Bummer Doug. No, no, no, no.
Yeah, you don't belong here. I'll call you.
Hello, everyone. Thank you all for coming.
I'd like to offer you a special opportunity
to buy some fine jewelry
inspired by the runways of Paris.
I'm not here to buy jewelry. I'm here to party.
Jimmy, you got any snacks?
Here's a loaf of bread.
Like I was saying, inspired by the runways of Paris.
Okay. Let's get real here for a sec.
You're all of a sudden too good for my son's jewelry? Nuh-uh.
You came to a party hosted by a guy
you haven't seen in years on three hours' notice.
You're bored.
Don't buy this jewelry because you like it,
buy it because it's something to do.
I see you thinking about it, Dylan's old karate teacher.
Yeah!
Okay, now it's a party.
Got any drinks?
I have one beer. Take a sip, pass it around.
We sold everything, Dad.
That's, like, the most amazing thing
you've ever done in your life.
Aww, you are the king of undercutting a compliment.
You gonna pay back Yasmin?
Even better. I ordered more jewelry.
What? Twice as much.
Twice as much jewelry means twice as much of this.
Who are you?
Smells like your body wash.
Have you been rolling around in this?
Mnh-mnh. It's over. We're done.
Why? Why walk away from the one thing you're good at?
I'm sorry? You said it.
You don't like your job and you don't make good money.
Yeah, stop caring so much about money.
You could stand to care about it more, Dad.
There's nothing wrong with a little drive.
Enough. You're grounded for two weeks.
But I don't... I don't go anywhere.
Fine. Then two weeks of partying.
Just get out.
Have a great day, darling.
Ooh, your sweater's on backwards.
Who cares? It'll look bad either way.
Come on, Ray. Don't leave a mother hanging.
Mwah.
And you.
Today is the day that you prove to the world
you can do anything you set your mind to.
It's just the beginning.
You're gonna get great grades,
you're gonna go to a great college,
you're gonna have a great job,
and you're gonna have a great life...
that you earned yourself.
Okay, and it all begins with you crushing this exam.
Okay?
Dude! Let's go... your test.
And once that's done with,
we're gonna work on your hiding skills.
"Do you think I'll do well?"
Yeah, man, you're... you're gonna kill it.
"I know your tells, remember?"
Right.
"What if I'm dumb?"
Whoa, whoa, JJ, fine, okay.
Maybe I don't know if you're gonna kill this test,
but I'm with you all the time.
I'm in your head. Dude, you're not dumb.
Let's go do this.
You know what? There is one thing you are dumb about...
clearing your search history.
Come on, man! Erase that cache.
Let's go.
Hey, Dylan! Check it out!
Whoo! For Pete's sake.
Listen up, everyone!
Yes, I wore my sweater backwards, but it was a mistake,
and I pull it off, but that doesn't make it cool.
So, then, what is cool, Dylan?
I don't know. I don't think about that.
That's what makes me cool.
That's the lesson... don't worry about
what other people think and you'll be cool.
Can I get a teacher to back me up?
Even you, Mr. Powers?
Okay, you.
Tell me something you've always wanted to wear.
I want to wear sandals all year, even in the winter.
Okay.
You see, that's really weird,
but who cares what I think, right?
That's the whole point. What... What about you?
I always wanted to wear a beret. Okay.
Another really bad example, but you do you.
Who else? Baseball pants for normal pants.
- Fanny packs. - A duster.
A yarmulke. Why should only Jewish kids get to wear them?
Wigs! Real fur!
Okay.
I thought being... being yourself was the answer,
but apparently, that's only true if you're me.
New plan... From now on, I decide what you wear.
We all wear blue tomorrow. Got it?
Sorry. Would, like, an aqua shade...
Blue. We'll just...
Okay, class, you may begin.
Uh, Mr. Powers, um, there's an extra test.
Seems a little, you know, silly just to waste it here.
Don't mind me.
Why are we here?
Did you change your mind about selling more jewelry?
I'm got some creative ideas
on how we could up-sell to single moms.
You see that building? Those windows? That's me.
This other guy wanted them to be
about 2 inches wider... wrong.
Those windows are perfect.
I'm sorry. Y-You designed a building?
I was studying architecture,
and I was interning at this big firm,
then, you know, your mom and I had a baby,
and I needed insurance now, something solid now,
not something great later.
So, you know, family beat windows,
but at least the ones I did...
are perfect.
I think they'd be better wider.
Look, I understand drive.
I've got plenty.
That's just... not where it's pointed anymore.
I get that. I... I think it's better to make some money.
I-I want options.
You're 14. You're all options.
For JJ, later.
Do I help? Is... Is there a plan?
I want to be ready.
You worry about that stuff?
Yeah, I just wanted to talk about my windows.
Still not sure why you wanted to take the test, Kenneth, but...
Mine doesn't matter.
But you're probably curious what I got.
81%. Well, how do you feel?
"It's not a 92%, but it's mine."
Yeah, you see what you can do all by yourself?
I'm so proud of you, darling.
See, I told you.
All right, I'm gonna see you two at home.
Kenneth, I know you're dying
to tell someone your score, aren't you?
Yeah, I kind of am.
Yeah. Cheers.
Hey, is JJ here?
Hey, Maya?
Yes, my darling. We should talk.
Ray asked me some questions, and I didn't know the answers.
Was it trivia? Ugh, Ray, I've told you...
don't make your dad feel stupid.
It's all right, darling. It's over now.
It's about JJ.
Down the line, what his life will look like,
what he'll need after us.
A-Are we doing this?
Finally, I want to talk about this, too.
Bloody hell.
I thought you were just taking him to see the windows.
Well, you did it, bud.
First step, big things to follow.
Sky's the limit.
"I'd like to go in myself."
Oh.
Mr. Independence.
Doors are flying open already.
Can he drive, go to college, maybe start a family of his own?
And once you guys are gone, whatever he wants to do,
who's gonna help him?
Uh, where's JJ gonna live?
What kind of help will he need?
We don't know.
Will you two be a part of it? I hope so.
I mean, realistically,
is your brother ever gonna be able to live on his own?
Probably not.
Hey. How'd you get here?
"We need to talk."
Of course. Come in.
I got a 98%.
So, who was right?
All of you, who couldn't just give the kid a shot?
Or the one person who looked in his heart
and said, "Let's shred"?
Oh, that's good. That's so good.
Uh... he handed the boy his test score.
A lone tear slid down young HJ's face.
A phrase fought its way to the boy's lips.
He summoned his strength and uttered his first words.
Your script sucks!
Damn it, Greg! Where are you?!