Maya, no. I'm tired.
I don't care if you're tired! I will not be rejected!
I'm every bit as surprised by this as you guys!
Ahhh...
Hey! He learned to come.
Who's a good boy?
Captions by VITAC...
You know I hate snakes.
They're right there on the "Dead to Me" wall...
amphibians.
Snakes aren't amphibians.
"Know-it-alls". Get rid of it.
Come on. It's Christmas, and Christmas is about
meeting each other in the middle.
It's just not.
I'll give the snake away today, but this Christmas I want a dog.
Ooh, a dog.
I've always wanted a dog. No one ever lets me get a dog.
Don't let her play you like this.
She's just changing the subject.
- Please. - Please.
This is really what we're doing at 4:00 a.m...
a puppy referendum? - It's a puppy now?
We have talked about this... the responsibility, the expense.
How about this? You don't get us any presents.
None.
I want P-R... "presents".
Well, you are a B-U... "buzzkill".
"I just started F-I... film class.
I want a c... camera. Can I?"
You're off-topic. Dad was just asking us for a dog.
A dog.
Guys, I want a dog too,
but according to our lease, we're not allowed.
- You read the lease? - I like to read.
We have like four books. I make due.
We really can't have a dog?
Well, now I want one.
Wait a second. There is one loophole.
We can get a service dog.
We're gonna get a dog!
"You mean I could get a service dog?"
Well, this is not a question I expected to be asking
when I was woken up by a snake four minutes ago,
but here goes... JJ, can we get a service dog?
Come on, JJ. It will be gi-gun-dous.
Yeah, listen to your sister.
She only ever says "gi-gun-dous"
when it's really important... and in Scrabble.
"No."
Yeah, no, the "yes" is right there.
Point there. Point there.
"I don't need one. There are people who do.
It's my call. No."
You are full of integrity, JJ.
It's a shame I no longer love you.
Hey, Kenneth, how was your weekend?
- Terrible. - Cool.
You know I moonlight at that grocery store?
These customers are driving me crazy with this turkey giveaway!
- Giveaway? - Yeah.
It's this program where if you spend $100
then you get a free turkey, but these cheapskates
are scrounging other people's receipts to game the system.
So, you don't even have to prove that it's your purchase?
Yeah, I see where somebody can take advantage of that.
Today, I saw this dirtbag walk out of there with eight turkeys.
So, it's not just one turkey? It's unlimited turkeys?
Ah, so, um, what time are you guys open until?
No.
What is more important... my friendship, or free turkey?
You said it was unlimited turkeys.
Okay, cookie-tasters... batch number three.
Hmm.
Boy, Taylor, if that apron did not say "Mom",
I would think your sister is great at baking cookies.
I know what you're doing... and I love it.
Now, tell me with a straight face
that I still look like I'm in high school.
- Are you not? - Love him.
Should I leave you two alone?
Don't tempt me. I will be all over...
Now that's too far. Too, too far.
Okay, so let's talk about Christmas week.
I was thinking I could come to you
Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Whoa. Before you keep making plans,
I feel like it's time I met Ray's parents.
Why?!
I mean, they're just regular parents.
They read leases and... stuff.
Well, Taylor's been spending a lot of time in their home,
and I'd like to get a sense of what they're like.
Come on, Mom. Don't be like that. They're great.
Taylor, if that's what she needs to do
to feel comfortable, then I'll set it up.
I mean, I don't know why your sister
wants to meet your boyfriend's mom...
- Just set it up. - Yes, ma'am.
JJ, you still don't want a service dog, right?
Even if he's a good, little boy with a vest,
and a clicker that when you click,
he comes from the next room like it was magic.
Maya.
"No. I'm crazy." I added that last part.
Right, I just wanted to make sure 'cause you got one.
There's a waiting list, and I guess somebody dropped out,
so they came to you.
They were very moved by your... essay?
"My name is JJ DiMeo.
I am a teenage boy with cerebral palsy"... spelled wrong.
"It is my dream to have a companion"...
spelled wrong. "It would be"...
Oh, this is spelled correctly... "gi-gun-dous".
Hi, JJ.
"E-X... explain this."
Oh, no. Okay, in my defense,
this was supposed to take years to come through.
I was going to tell you.
"You I-G... ignored what I wanted. And you used me.
Big mistake. G-I... gi-gun-dous mistake."
JJ, please don't be mad at me.
You're never mad at me.
I don't even know what that would be like.
"Get ready to find out".
You spelled "dog" wrong.
What the...
I thought you were better than this!
You did? Why?
I specifically asked you not to do this.
I hope you had fun!
I have started to have fun, yes.
The promotion is meant for paying customers.
If I see you at my store,
I will not hesitate to confiscate your receipts.
You keep making this fun for me!
Mm-hmm. Fine. Have it your way.
I'll see you at the dumpsters...
where you did not realize we throw out the receipts.
I'm very bad at this!
Mom, you know how crazy I am about Taylor.
I want you to meet her mom, and I want it to go well.
I need "Charming Maya", not "Combative Maya".
When in the history of this entire family have I ever been...
I'm only joking, darling.
No, I'll be fine. I'll be good.
She likes it when you tell her she looks young.
Oh, no. You're not "You look like sisters" guy, are you?
No. That guy? Ew, no one likes that guy.
You're both special-needs moms. She even made you cookies.
They are delicious.
I shall take a meeting with the woman who made these cookies.
I'll go tell Taylor.
"Happiest of holidays from the home
of John Merriman and Melanie Hertzal."
What did you say?
"Melanie Hertzal." Where do I know that name from?
I'll tell you where you know that name from.
That woman is dead to me.
Awk-waaard.
More awk-waaard.
Of all the people to be Taylor's mom, Melanie Hertzal!
Ugh, she did such a bad thing...
You don't have to pretend to remember.
Look, ten years ago, there was an opening at a school
that would have been perfect for JJ,
and the spot was as good as his.
Then I met Melanie Hertzal at a special-needs mom event.
She told me the application deadline had been moved.
She lied, we missed it, and her kid got the spot.
Stop eating the bloody cookies!
I was eating them out of anger.
Well, do you think you can sit down
with this woman and be civil?
I thought you'd like that one.
There's no good version of me meeting her.
You know what might help?
I don't want to get free turkeys.
Look. I know you're upset with me, and I respect that.
I'll give you the time and space you need to forgive me.
I'm sorry, JJ! I'm so sorry!
I'm staying here until you forgive me.
I... I just wanted a dog.
Explain to me why what I did was so wrong.
"You don't even understand what it's like to be me."
No, I don't understand.
But I'm going to.
I'll speak how you speak... no words.
"That's stupid. I want to be U-N... understood.
That will never work."
Well, we're going to find out, starting...
Hm, seems unlikely, but a Dylan who can't speak
is a Dylan who can't criticize my fashion choices.
She take a vow of silence or something?
Nice receipt. Come to Papa.
Gotcha. And I found you a friend.
Mmm. Turkey.
You win. No receipts for me.
Attention shoppers. The store closes in five minutes.
- Yeah, plenty of time. - Close lane four.
Attention shoppers. The store will close in one minute.
The store's tricky like that.
Close lane three.
Close lane two!
Hello? Kind of in a hurry here.
Attention, shoppers. We're now closed,
and we'll be killing the lights for dramatic effect.
Good night.
Dylan, I heard you're not talking today.
I certainly hope you're not going to bring
any of that nonsense into your oral exam on civil disobedience.
Nevertheless, she persisted.
"A."
"A free 'A'. Yep, that's my life.
You're not learning anything. You can't understand."
Dylan! Beth Boehm's out of school
for the third day in a row. I think she's pregnant.
You're right. Gossip is wrong. You're such a good person.
You want to go to Aruba with me and my family?
What are you doing?
Trying to fix the lighting for Melanie's visit.
Did I miss it when we renamed the house "Boom Boom Ranch"
because we sure light it like a brothel. God.
Yeah, about tomorrow... I think we're going to have to cancel.
I ate some bad shrimp and I'm feeling pretty sick.
Can we not just postpone a day?
Do you think you'll be better by Sunday?
I don't know.
I may eat more of that shrimp. It was really good.
Do you not want to meet Melanie?
Ohh, darling, alright. Look.
The truth is... I had a premonition.
And I met Melanie. And there was this massive cyber-attack,
countless Hollywood A-listers were hacked.
Emma Watson's name was dragged through the mud.
I'm not saying it's going to happen, but, I mean,
do you really want to take that chance?
If you don't want to meet her, I'll figure it out.
Oh, look, it's the hackers. They can't get in.
Well done, darling.
Seriously?!
Ha, Kenneth! 'Sup?
"'Sup" is you're making the hardest part
of my year even harder. Why?
What the hell are you gonna do with 20 turkeys?
Nothing.
I need 30.
Oh, that I get.
It's my first Christmas as a boss.
Every Christmas, my dad's boss would get turkeys
for all his employees, and I wanted to be that guy.
But I can't afford it, so I'm collecting receipts.
Wait, so you'd rather I think you're a total dirtbag
than admit that you're trying to be a good boss?
I thought you'd think it was stupid.
I get unfulfilled holiday dreams.
I've always wanted to be an office Santa.
Not "Black Santa", just Santa.
And nobody making "ho ho ho" pimp jokes.
They suck.
You know what?
I can be regular Santa to at least one little boy.
Not receipts?
Feels like tuna.
- Hey, Mom. - Hey, Mrs. DiMeo.
Oh, hello, Taylor. I didn't know you were coming.
What a nice surprise.
Well, if you like surprises of people coming over, then, uh...
Mrs. DiMeo, I'd like you to meet...
Melanie Hertzal.
Melanie! You're here! And you've met.
This went well. Turkey for the road?
No, Dad, she just got here.
Maya, you look very familiar.
I used to be a model.
Really? When?
Let the woman have been a model.
Thanks for coming.
You should know we absolutely adore Ray.
He was so excited about getting us together,
and we're both special-needs moms,
we gotta stick together, right?
Well, most of us do, but some of us are weak,
and we hear about a slot at the perfect school,
and lie about the application date.
And we take a very long time to see where this is going.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes. You broke the sacred bond,
the bond between special-needs mom and special-needs mom/model.
You stole the spot from my son!
I did no such thing.
Well, Mom, Melanie is from Michigan.
Okay. I think we're done here.
Mom, wait!
Liar! You're dead to me! Dead!
And you look your bloody age!
So, where in Michigan?
I told you I didn't want to meet her.
Why didn't you tell me you knew her?
Because I knew you wouldn't take my side.
You'd say I was being dramatic and I should let it go.
You were dramatic, and you should have let it go.
Look at that. My premonitions are good.
You know what? You're going to go apologize.
Your premonitions... no bueno.
Please. You have to, for me.
It will be hard, but you do hard things for someone you love.
I'm crazy about her.
What would "Model Maya" do?
Ah, hey guys.
I know it's party time here, but we just had a flight land.
I'm going to need your help with some surprise cargo!
That's right. Turkeys.
Oh, no, I don't have enough for everybody...
but he does.
Look, everyone. It's regular Santa!
Ho ho ho!
Jimmy says you've all been good boys and girls this year.
Thanks, boss. You're the best.
Ho ho ho! Race is a social construct.
"Get me a straw."
No, JJ's looking for quiet passion.
"Give me a straw." That's what he wants, Kyle.
Oh, no, it's not?
"Best gift ever." Yes, very generous.
But it is a closed set, dear.
So, thank you, and whenever you're ready.
"Get me a straw."
You know what? You're going to hold the clapper thingy.
Hello.
Ray, I'm sorry that I left without saying goodbye.
Your mother looks like she could be a biter.
You remember Mom?
Welcome to our home...
with a guard dog who will defend me if called upon.
I don't think there's a dog.
Oh, Taylor, wait! My mom has something to say.
I owe you an apology.
You were a guest in our home,
and the way I treated you was beyond rude,
so in the spirit of the season, and out of respect for you,
I offer you my most sincere apology.
I hope you'll forgive me, and that we can move past this.
Well, Ray, if you would like to return,
you're welcome back anytime.
And maybe you two can get a do-over.
I think you guys will really like each other a lot.
And both of you could be my sisters.
Yeah, we're done with that.
But the thing is, there's still this business about years ago.
I mean, whatever I did back then, I did for my son,
which is something that your mother
should be able to understand.
Well, uh, for that, again, I...
Wait. Seriously? She apologized to you.
I dream of getting one of those.
Ask any of the three drivers she rear-ends a day.
She doesn't apologize.
Well, they do usually stop short.
Nuh-unh. It's not right.
Taylor, I hope we can weather this.
I don't know how you liked me in the first place.
I'm not the coolest guy or the hottest guy.
You can disagree with me at any time.
But I'm not the guy who's going to stand around
and watch his mom get dumped on.
She deserves better. Not cool.
Come on, Mom.
Hmm.
Sorry.
For what?
Nothing. It's for free. Enjoy it, darling.
Ow!
Ooh, I felt that one.
Honey, come quick.
Beethoven is ruining Christmas.
Merry Christmas!
It is Christmas morning. Don't you people have families?
JJ just completed his first film project,
and I wanted to be here when you all saw it.
Plus, I woke up this morning
with a profound sense of loneliness,
and I needed to be with people who love me.
So, there's a movie?
Yeah, yeah. Come on. Have a seat.
Jimmy, if you could do the lights.
But this is how I sound to me.
Because... I... don't... think... in... pauses... like... this.
It's not always easy communicating the way I do.
"Get me the S-T-R... string?"
- Straw. - Strawberries?
Straw! Are you kidding me?!
Then I come home, and you guys get me, and you really listen,
which is why I'm so sensitive when you don't.
But most of the time, I'm just thankful for you,
and I can't always say exactly what I'm thinking.
If I could... - Good night, my love.
Thank you. Good night, Mom. I love you.
And Kenneth, for making me a hit with the ladies.
Let's muss up this hair a little bit,
and I'm going to say it again, "Ladies love a moustache".
Think about it.
Here. Try this.
Five more turkeys where that came from.
You kept five for yourself?
Shh.
Thanks, Dad. Dark meat's my favorite.
Oh, dark meat. I know it's your favorite.
Are those reindeer hooking up?
No, they're dancing!
Oh, wait.
Is this thing even on?
It is. Thanks for the camera, sis.
Ooh.
Still on! Thanks for this, Ray.
Look out, ladies. He's single.
I appreciate all the times you've listened to me,
even though you couldn't hear me.
I've been listening to you, too.
Oh!
It's not a service dog, but it is a family dog.
Thanks.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Taylor.
I don't have your jacket, if that's what you came here for.
No, I came to see you.
I thought your mom said you couldn't see me anymore.
She did. And I've never wanted to see you more.
You're the bad boy.
That's who I am! I'm the guy you don't take home to see Mom!
It was almost too obvious.
I guess it's time to break curfew.
Ow. Ow. That kills.
Ohh! Can we break curfew tomorrow?
Bad boy needs some ice.