Subtitles by explosiveskull
[SOUNDS OF BIRDS CHIRPING]
[DOG BARKING AND WEED TRIMMER BUZZING]
DETECTIVE EDWARDS: You think she remembers?
SAMANTHA: Here you go.
JANE: No. It was a long time ago.
Oh.
Here's your tea, Cynthia.
[LAUGHS OFF SCREEN] What a little chatter box.
Jason, who's Samantha's imaginary friend?
JASON: Cynthia.
That's a pretty name.
[HORROR TYPE SOUNDS CREEP IN]
[BASS HIT]
♪ PUNKY POP MUSIC PLAYS ♪
♪ FRENCH SINGING ♪
♪ FRENCH UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES ♪
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[DRONE LIKE WIND SOUND]
Little freak.
[MOANING SOUNDS]
I can... I can... I can't...
ROBIN: What's wrong? you're like a limp fish.
MICHAEL: I'm tired. I haven't even had my coffee
I'm tired too. You think this is any fun for me?
Oh, wow, thanks. That makes me feel special. I'm like a turkey
baster with legs.
Can we not do this now Michael please.
Can we just finish and talk about this later?
No I'm not in the mood,
Well get in the mood.
Insemination, IUI - timed intercourse has to take place
in the morning.
I know but I can't perform on command like some circus
clown every time we are scheduled for 'timed'
procreation.
Oh... Do I make you feel like a clown? Am I a clown to you?
What is that... Joe Pesci? Am I sleeping with
Joe Pesci? I think that might be part of the problem...
"I'm funny how? I'm funny like a clown? Like I amuse you in the
sack?"
That's a terrible Joe Pesci.
If you ever do that again I will never have sex with you.
Promise?
I'm sorry I'm a limp fish.
I never thought sex could be so... unsexy.
I know.
We can't give up on this.
I don't want to keep on getting the shots if we're not going to
keep on trying.
I mean... Maybe it's just not meant to be. You know?
I mean. we can't keep doing this forever unless you want to be
homeless and I'll be giving you shots in a cardboard box.
It's not funny. Do you want a baby or not?
Seriously Michael, how could you put a price on this?
Robin, everytime we do this it's 10,000 dollars.
Yeah of course I want a baby, but this cheap crap from China
it's not even working.
Don't say that. We agreed whatever the cost.
I said that?
Yes.
I don't remember saying that.
I wish you were more like your sister.
She got pregnant without any help.
That's because Jane didn't want a baby and got
knocked up... accidentally!
I mean... how lucky is that?
Yeah... maybe we're trying too hard, we're forcing
nature. We should just let it happen naturally.
By that rate I'll be thirty by the time I have a baby.
We can always adopt.
I don't want to adopt! Ever since I was a little girl
I wanted a baby of my own. Someone I could love, who would
love me back, I could take care of.
You know, a baby that's a part of both of us.
Without a baby I feel like, I'm not complete as a woman.
And I'm not going to be the only one of
my friends at my high school reunion that doesn't have a
baby! I won't!
Who cares about a stupid high school reunion anyways?
I mean it's...
You know what? I don't have time to argue with you.
I have to go to work, you're going to get me fired.
Aren't you the Vice President of Sales, can't you choose your
hours?
I don't dictate company policy.
You know how important it is for me to have a child.
Really? It's the first time you've mentioned it.
Don't joke.
Honey, I have to go to work to pay for the shots and pills.
Is that okay with you?
Whatever. Maybe the mailman will knock me up
while you're at work?
That's fine, honey. That'll actually save us some invitro.
I'm gonna go to work now. I love you and I might be late.
[MEOWING]
Fluffy. I guess you're my only child.
♪ SOMEONE'S GOIN' FEEL MY WRATH TONIGHT ♪
♪ I'M CONFUSED, CONFUSED, CONFUSED ♪
RANDY: It's a beautiful shot!?
So close. So close.
I don't get it.
Cricket is followed by more than a billion people.
They can live without you getting it.
Besides, it's just like American baseball.
It's nothing like baseball. At least you can understand
baseball. Cricket is impossible.
What's to understand? A bunch of blokes
in white sweaters and slacks run around for a week tossing and
whacking a ball.
It's just like baseball.
That's my point. How long is a cricket
match?
Well, a test can go for five days... thats eight hours each day
including breaks.
That's nothing like baseball! Baseball is nine innings.
It's three hours long. No wonder Cricket is so
boring. What's the point?
What's the point to any professional sport?
To get paid and laid my friend.
Cricketeers get gobs of minge.
Minge??
You know... Morris Minor.
What?
...tuppence, quim, twat, coont...
Why can't you English people speak English?
Why don't you Americans understand geography?
I don't understand what you said right now.
I wouldn't have thought so.
Uno mas por favor.
Alright, that's your last one. I'm cutting you off, mate.
Well then, cheers... bottoms up...
Bottoms up.
God save the queen...
That's England again.
Jesus Christ. What's got you down mate?
Trouble with the missus?
All she ever talks about is getting pregnant.
This whole fertility thing. She is driving me to drink.
Good. I should be paying her a commission.
How long you been tryin' to knock her up for?
Three years. Yeah. Let's see.
Twenty-five injections a month...
- Yikes. - That is around 900 IVF shots.
Wow. Poor lass is a pin cushion.
What's an IVF shot?
In vitro fertilization.
I have to give the shots to her myself.
And if that's not bad enough, we have to screw
on a morning schedule when neither of us even feel like
touching.
Well you look knackered. How do you feel?
Like a sperm in a dustbowl.
I could never get married... too many fish in the sea.
If you know what I mean.
Looks like you've got work to do.
All she ever talks about is getting pregnant.
She's obsessed.
You think it's bad now?
Wait till she spits out...'has' the wee one.
Then you'll be on the back burner, for life.
That baby will get all the love and attention
you used to enjoy and he'll spit up and poop all over you just
for fun.
Wow you make childbirth sound wonderful.
Hey, you're the one sitting in a bar
while your wife thinks you're at work.
It's a working lunch.
Haven't seen you do much work.
[LIGHT AIRY PIANO MUSIC]
♪ INSTRUMENTAL POP MUSIC BEGINS ♪
♪ POP/TECHNO MUSIC CONTINUES ♪
Michael.
[UNDERWATER BUBBLING SOUND EFFECT]
Ok and... there's the heart.
Wow, look at that big eye.
is that a frog? Like a... little amphibian frog.
- Interesting. - What?
Excuse me.
Ah, hopefully, good news.
"Hopefully?"
Ah, looks like you're going to have... twins.
- Okay. - Twins as in... uhm...
as in two... babies... that... they look alike?
DOCTOR SANDLER: That's right.
Twins? As in two babies?
Just a moment.
It's a tumor, I fucked up.
What is it? What's wrong?
Ahh... It looks like it's not a twin after all, I'm so sorry.
No, thank God.
Sorry, honey.
If it's not a baby... what is it?
Oh, uh, nothing to worry about. It appears
to be a large uterine fibroid but we'll need to do some tests.
A tumor? Do I have Cancer?
No no, nothing, nothing like that.
Let's not jump to conclusions.
Fibroid cysts are not that uncommon.
But we'll need to do an endometrial biopsy to know more.
An endo what?
It's a simple procedure where we take a
tissue sample from the lining of Robin's uterus.
Do we have to do that? Can it hurt the baby?
Oh, no, no, no. It's quite safe. Quite safe.
When would we do it?
Well, we can do it now, I have an hour
before my tee time.
Where do you play?
Braemar Country Club. Been a member for ten years.
What do you carry?
Titelist.
What a piece!
I don't even know why I questioned you.
Who cares what kind of club he uses!?
Relax honey, it's just small talk.
Well, don't!
Maybe we should do this when you have your eye on the ball...
Or not on the ball. Whatever.
Oh no, no. Better that we know. The sooner the
better. We have plenty of time, my clubs are already in the car.
I am in a tournament. Made the top rung.
I am one under par which is good enough for third place.
We're doctors. A couple dentists... and uh, oh...
one psychologist... but he treats doctors... so it's under
the rules.
You're not putting that in me.
This. Oh, don't fret. It's just a teneculum.
You'll hardly feel a thing...
more like a pinch. And then quick snip-snip and I'm on the
first tee.
Sorry. I'm feeling a little anxious.
- Oh. - Really nauseous.
It's perfectly normal. Just relax.
Breathe deep. And count backwards from 18 holes.
Wait..Did you say 18 holes..
♪ SUSPENSEFUL HORROR MUSIC ♪
No, relax. I got it. C'mon. You feisty little fibroid.
Get out of there.
Hey, hey, got it. Wait.
[INDISTINCT VOICES CAN BE HEARD]
PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE. No, no, no!
[CRYING AND VOICES OVER ONE ANOTHER CAN BE HEARD]
♪ HORROR SUSPENSE MUSIC ♪
♪ HORROR MUSIC CONTINUES ♪
PLEASE! NO. PLEASE!
[SCREAMING AND CRACKING SOUND EFFECTS]
[SCREAMING ENSUES]
[ALIEN LIKE SCREECHING AND HISSING]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
[ALIEN HISSING AND SCREECHING CONTINUES]
What, honey, what?
Honey, honey, I'm here.
It's okay, it's me.
You're just having a nightmare.
- Oh my God. - It's okay.
How long was I out for?
I don't know. Two uh, two hours.
Michael it was horrible... there was so much blood...
Doctor Sandler said everything was fine.
Are you sure? What about the biopsy?
It was a benign uterine cyst.
It's grown kind of large so they are gonna run a few more tests
but...
What's wrong sweetie?
I don't know.
Something's not right I can feel it.
No. no, I promise, ok?
Dr. Sandler said the cyst can be safely be removed
through a Caesarean.
You're just having pregnancy paranoia.
A Caesarean?
Yeah, Caesarean is safer because of the cyst.
It's gonna be fine, sweetie, okay? Promise.
Come here sweetheart.
- Just get back in bed, alright? - Can you lay with me?
Yes, of course.
♪ MELANCHOLY MUSIC ♪
Oh, you're so strong, Robin.
[BUBBLY UNDERWATER SOUNDS ENSUE]
TV: Now carefully lift it out. Watch the fingers.
I'm hearing nothing, take a look at her kidneys.
TV: I've updated all her social media. She decided to give it
all up and move to Costa Rica.
MICHAEL! Is that you?
Hey. What're you doing up?
What're you eating?
Don't change the subject.
What subject?
It's two forty-seven am in the morning, Michael.
Honey, I had a late meeting.
Bullshit. You're always coming home late.
We're married, remember?
What, do you think I'm ugly and fat?
No, no, God, no.
Are you cheating on me?
Oh my god, we just had a quick dinner after.
Quickie, huh?
Honey, my job is social.
Ok, half the deals I close it's over dinner and drinks.
What restaurant is open at 2 am in the morning
Michael?
Norms?
Does it serve perfume? Cause that's what you smell like.
Oh, my God, Robin, I probably hugged a client at work.
- You think I buy this bullshit? - Okay.
I'm not gonna get dragged into this.
Okay, you wanted the pregnancy.
I know it's tough, but don't put that bullshit on me.
- Where are you going? - To bed?
You can fuck the whole neighborhood Michael
and I wouldn't care.
Not gonna get dragged into your drama tonight Robin.
[MELANCHOLY AIRY SOUNDS]
The last thing I want to do is push him away.
Michael's my high school sweetheart.
We're supposed to have two kids, a boy and a girl, and grow
old together.
I don't want to be divorced and broke and a single mom.
That would be awful.
I'm sorry, no offense.
JANE: None taken. Sometimes it does suck.
Almost as much as it was being married to Nick the prick.
Guys get kinda crazy around pregnant women.
It's like they know they're about to become the second most
important things in our lives... because they are.
- It's not just that. - Okay. Give.
Michael came home a few months ago smelling like perfume.
So what do you think? That he's banging his secretary?
- You don't know that. - Well I asked him about it
and he said that he hugged a client at work.
Oh my God, and you bought that?!
Are you high?
He's probably banging some young babe, without stretch marks on
her ass and cellulite.
It's what they all do when our vaginas get stretched out like a
strawberry fruit roll.
Alright, ladies.
One turkey with everything.
And for you, madame, one labor inducing pizza deluxe.
Does it work?
Absolutely! Five women have gone into labor after eating
that Pregnancy Pizza.
- Really. - Yeah.
Ever since that newspaper article came out
we've been flooded like this every day.
This pie better work. She's nine months, with couple weeks
to go.
We need your magic pizza to work like a Slip-and-Slide.
What's on this miracle preggo pizza, anyway?
Uh, anchovies, pineapple, Gorgonzola, snails, and tons of
garlic. So... Bon appetit!
If that doesn't get the baby out, nothing will.
You know, Michael's not the Casanova type.
He barely even glances at other women.
Robin, they're ALL the type.
God, I feel like a fat tub of lard.
I almost wouldn't blame 'em.
Is Michael still stirring the stew?
You know, churning the butter.
Is he FUCKING YOU!?
Shhhhhh!
Nick wouldn't have sex with me after he got me pregnant.
He thought his pathetic dick was going to hurt the baby.
And then he went out for chalupa and never came back.
That was fun.
I'm sorry Nick split.
Don't be. I'm over that cheating asshole
piece of trash loser.
I got Jason and that's all I care about.
Maybe it's all I ever wanted... you know?
That and someone to take out the trash.
You keep wolfing that down and your baby's gonna look like
Kim Kardashian's ass.
What is it. You got gas?
Oh my God, you're bleeding!
Holy crap. Waiter!
What can I get youse?
A... fucking ambulance. Look what your pizza did!
Oh my God!
We have another one!
This is crazy! My God!
This is crazy. Did you guys want your check?
Yeah, you think?
And a doggie bag?
[UPBEAT DRAMATIC SOUNDS BEGIN]
[HOSPITAL BEEPS AND EQUIPMENT CLUNKING]
Okay, let's get this party started.
Good morning, little lady.
How's our mommy doing this morning?
Am I going to lose my baby?!
Oh, No, no... everything's fine.
Just relax and breathe normally and you will be asleep
shortly.
Ok.
I remember you.
Now we take a nice deep breath and we count
backwards from 100. Okay, sweetie? Good.
My baby. 99... 98... 97... 9...
Scalpel.
Uh-huh-huh.
Let's open her up.
Here we go.
- Got it. - Keep it on the side.
- You got it? - Mhm.
Alright, here we go. Hey! Happy birthday
little girl!
Let's get ugh, the scissors in here.
Ok. [BABY CRYING CONTINUES]
Uhh... noting a small tear in her anterior uterine caused
by the fibroid.
Lucky we got her here in time.
Alright, let's get this cyst out of here.
Ah!
Ow!
What is it?
Well, something jabbed me.
I'm going to re-sterilize. Take out the placenta.
Yes, doctor.
That's weird. It looks like its been eaten.
Yeah. What the fuck.
Alright, lets get out this fibroid cyst and stitch our girl
up.
♪ HORROR SCORE PLAYS ♪
REALLY?
ASHLEY: It... moved.
It can't move, it's a cyst for Christ's sakes!
What is going on here today?
I'm telling you, it moved.
Ashley, gather yourself.
Take a... breather.
Alright let's close her up.
I'm sorry...
Look. Just take the cyst.
And the placenta.
And go and get it biposied at the lab.
Yeah. Wow.
Where'd they find this one? Trump University?
Asshole.
[VOICES FROM THE HOSPITAL INTERCOM CAN BE HEARD]
[DOOR ACCESS GRANTED RINGING SOUND]
Helloooo Ashley.
Here.
You can let go now.
- Take it. - What do we got here?
It's heavy.
This is the Moby Dick of all cysts!
Oooof.
We had one of these in med school and when we cut it open
we found teeth and hair and shit inside.
It was fucking crazy.
We dressed up like the mascot and brought it to the football
games.
That's nice.
Woah, woah, woah... wait wait!
Why so... why so glum blue eyes? Can Manny help?
No, Manny, I'm not in the mood.
Oh. You poor baby.
What's the matter? You wanna sit on my lap?
Tell me anywhere it hurts?
I could rub it... Give it a kiss.
I know what you're doing and that's not going to work.
- Awww. - It was a one time deal.
Now you're hurting my feelings. And it was just my birthday.
You said that last month.
I did? Come on, don't be that way.
I know you liked it.
Isn't that sexual harassment?
It might be, but... fuck it. I don't care.
C'mon.
- Oh. - What?
Oh, I can smell your burrito.
Manny's got a big fat burrito for you.
Those beautiful eyes are saying, "Yes, Manny, yes!"
You're gonna get me fired.
No baby. Come on... Come on baby.
It's just you and me and a few tumors.
You say that to all the girls, don't you?
No. Only you. I told you. You're my special thing.
C'mon baby.
Wanna do it for Manny?
Okay.
Yeah. Mmm.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah girl.
Oof.
- Damn. - But.
You better be fast.
Oh, I'm gonna be fast girl.
Ooof!
Mmm... Baby!
[SOUNDS OF MOANING ENSUE]
I'ma be fast! Show you how Manny do baby.
Show you how to do it.
[SOUNDS OF MOANING CONTINUE]
Gonna get in this pussy and stay in this pussy.
[INDISTINCT MOANING AND GROANING]
- Fuck! - I'mma vacation in this pussy.
Just fuck me, Manny!
I'mma apply for a small business loan to set up shop in this
pussy!
I'm gon' get in good with the community...
[SNARLING SOUND EFFECTS CAN BE HEARD]
I'mma run for Congress... Ah shit!
[SNARLING SOUND EFFECTS CONTINUE
I'mma open up a school for disabled kids!
[STRANGE ALIEN HISSING]
[INTENSE HORROR BEATS ENSUE]
[MOANING INTENSIFIES]
Manny?
[CREATURE LIKE GRUNTING CONTINUES]
[LIGHT DREARY INSTRUMENTS]
[SUSPENSEFUL SOUNDS CREEP IN]
[CREATURE LIKE HISSING CONTINUES]
[CREATURE SOUNDS CONTINUE TO SLOWLY INTENSIFY]
[DOOR BEEPING SOUND]
[INTENSIFIED CREATURE LIKE GRUNTING]
[COMPUTER MONITOR BEEPING]
Ow.
Take it easy, take it easy. Robin.
You have stitches.
- Is my baby alright? - Yeah.
Robin, just lie there and heal.
Okay.
Look, she's fine.
♪ PIANO MUSIC BEGINS ♪
Look, she's all cozy in her little blanky in the nursery.
She's beautiful.
We made that.
You and I.
She's gorgeous, look at her. With all her fingers and toes.
Why did they take her I want to hold her.
I know.
I know, honey. The doctors said the fibroid absorbed some of
her nutrients so, they wouldn't let me hold her.
And babies are routinely separated from their mothers
after Caesarean.
Why?
I don't know.
The hospital policy.
Just go to sleep, honey. I promise you when you wake
up, she'll be here okay?
Hospital policies suck.
It does, it sucks. Go to sleep, baby.
Samantha.
♪ STRING MUSIC PLAYS ♪
[SUCKING SOUND EFFECTS CAN BE HEARD]
[CREATURE LIKE SOUNDS CONTINUE]
[FART LIKE SOUNDS ACCOMPANIED BY CREATURE GRUNTING]
♪ FAINT RAP MUSIC CAN BE HEARD ♪
Hey Megan.
Hey Pete, what's up?
Same shit, different baby.
♪ RAP MUSIC CONTINUES ♪
[ALIEN BABY GRUNTING SOUND EFFECT]
[BURP SOUND EFFECT]
- See ya later. - Bye.
[STRANGE BABY ALIEN SOUNDS CONTINUE]
♪ SUSPENSE STRING MUSIC INTENSIFIES ♪
♪ UPBEAT TECHNO LIKE MUSIC BEGINS ♪
[LIGHT BABY CRY]
Oh, shit!
♪ RAP MUSIC CAN BE HEARD ♪
[CREATURE HISS SOUND]
See. Pete, these are the ding-dings that run your world.
Their fuckin' PhD's, and BMW's, Mercedes,
Hey Doc, can I borrow the keys to your house...
...piss in your fucking bed.
Fuck your wife.
What do you think? You could watch?
Maybe clean up the mess?
I, actually, uh. I'm pretty clean about marking
my business.
♪ YEAH, THIS MAKE ME WANNA KILL SOMEBODY ♪
♪ TURN THIS SHIT UP ♪
♪ REAL FUCKIN' LOUD ♪
♪ DRINKIN' THE BILE OUT YOUR PANCREAS ♪
♪ THE FANCY ASS, CANCEROUS TALKIN' LYRICIST ♪
♪ PACK A SHANK ON THEIR HIP, YOU SHANKY BITCH ♪
♪ SLIT YOUR WRISTS, CLITORIS ♪
[DOOR ACCESS BEEPING]
Hey Manny. You owe me 50 bucks man.
I told you the Packers would kick ass.
[HORROR SOUNDS]
What the fuck.
Ya hey. We got some crazy shit happen down here in pathology.
Hell if I know, man! I'm just a damn janitor!
It looks like Ebola got 'em and they fuckin' 'blowed' up or
somethin', man.
It's like a human guts pizza down here, man.
Why don't you come down and clean this shit.
[LIGHT FLASH SOUND]
Look at that rack.
You thinking what I am?
- What? - Terrorism?
Jesus Christ. Did you win that fucking badge?
You really think terrorists are attacking Shady Grove?
DETECTIVE DOWNS: I'm just saying... you can't rule anything out.
Yeah, well, let's not call the Feds in just yet, ok?
We got three dead bodies in one night at the same
hospital.
I've never seen a single homicide in Shady.
This cannot be a coincidence.
Okay well the lady in the hatchery obviously slipped
and hit her head.
But this carnage in here... this is....
This is different. This is... this is overkill.
Oh, yeah.
What do you mean 'overkill'?
Like when a jealous lover chops off their partner's
genitals.
A mob hit when they cut off a guy's johnson and
stuff it in his mouth, or pop out his eyes.
- 'Columbian necktie, '... - Hey excuse me.
Can I go now, I gotta do my job and trash this waste before it
stinks to high heaven.
Yeah, yeah, you can go.
- Thank you. - Don't go too far.
Ah, wait a minute.
Can you bring that here and open that up please?
Why?
- Humor me. - You sure?
I can handle it. Just open it up.
See?
Yeah. I don't hardly smell it no more.
It's like perfume to me...
Fine. Go back. Do your job. But we may recall you.
Whatever. That's fine. You can recall me anytime you want
- brother. - Hey step off.
I got nuthin' to hide. I'm here every damn day.
Seven days a week. Haven't been on a vacation
in nineteen years. Honest.
I got three ex-wives and five kids. I barely got enough money
for toilet paper to wipe my ass...
That is fucking fantastic. But we got work to do.
Hey you know what... I wasn't always a janitor,
you know.
I got a degree in electrical engineering, taking night
classes. But I look like a thug you know so everyone is afraid
to hire me.
but I'm a pussycat... really.
Yeah, I got a few things on my record sure,
But I mean they expunged that shit,
'cause I was young and stupid... ha-ha...
Now it's work, work, work until I take that last step into my
cheap ply-wooden coffin.
Have fun, boys. See you in the morgue.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
- Gonna put a tail on that guy. - Yeah.
Alright, so what do you think, we put out an APB?
On who?
Daffy fuckin' Duck?
Answering a bunch of stupid fuckin' questions, man.
Why don't you ask my girlfriends ex-boyfriend he's a
puffed out fuckin' pussy.
You guys could fuck each other. Fuck away man.
You think I hacked those people up? You fuckin' crazy?
You ask me a bunch of stupid questions. I don't get paid
enough for this shit.
[BEATS CAN BE HEARD]
[CITY SOUNDS CAN BE HEARD]
Fresh air.
Hello trees. Hello birds.
It's been two days honey. You're not the Bird Man of
- Alcatraz. - Shh...
Okay, we have a little bump, here for the baby!
No hands, baby's first adrenaline rush, whoo!
Sorry.
She's so sleepy.
Yeah, she had a long night.
- Yeah. - Okay, I'm gonna leave you here.
- There we go. One. - Thanks, Daddy.
Two... she's so sweet already.
So polite. I'm gonna go get the car.
- Stay right here. - Where else am I gonna go?
- Michael. - Yeah, honey?
I love you.
I love you too.
You look beautiful.
♪ SWEET DREAMY MUSIC FADES INTO THE CITY ♪
Hi.
[CINEMATIC BEAT SOUND EFFECTS]
[MOIST, GURGLING, SOUNDS]
[WHEELS SCREECHING SOUND EFFECT]
[CREATURE LIKE SOUNDS CAN BE HEARD]
Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh!!!!!
Is that Mommy's little girl?
Yes.
♪ WHIMSICAL MUSIC BEGINS ♪
- Oh, what a cute baby. - Oh, please no.
I had a baby once. I traded it for a rock.
But oh, what a night it was. The Navy was in town.
♪ ANCHORS AWAY MY BOYS, ANCHORS AWAY!! ♪
I'm ready for my close up, Mr. Maplethorpe.
My husband's gonna be back any second.
Oh, I had one a husband too...
lazy drunken bum!
He died in his sleep.
He chewed off his tongue and he drowned in the blood.
The cops said I poisoned him but they couldn't, they couldn't
make it stick.
I'll tell you a secret.
All in the hair tonic.
Daddy's gonna make this nice and quick.
Put some more in the car.
Half Mommy, half baby.
It looks good. Alright!
[BABY ALIEN CREATURE SOUNDS]
Hey, can you please lend an old lady some money?
Actually, I'm not gonna pay you back so just give it to me.
Whatever you got.
This is... no... this is all I have.
Wait a minute. Thirty-three cents?
You come out of a richy-rich hospital where a Q-Tip costs
a thousand dollars and all you got is thirty three cents!!
If you don't want it you can give...
Hey, don't you touch my money, bitch!
Don't want the gifts falling out and be a bad dad. Done.
I'm gonna cut your head off like Isis.
[SNORING]
[CRICKET SOUNDS]
[SNORING SOUNDS]
[DRAMATIC HIT]
♪ BELL SOUNDS AND SCARY HALLOWEEN MUSIC ♪
Michael, Michael.
Wake up. There's something staring at me.
It's like a blob with a big eye.
Is it a spider? I hate spiders.
Michael, it is not spider. It was bigger than a spider.
It drooled all over the bed.
Maybe it was Fluffy, she misses her mommy.
It was not Fluffy! Was it fluffy?
Whew, what is that smell, Robin!
Jesus!
Michael!
Check under the bed, please!
What is it?
[BABY CRYING SOUND]
Oh my God!
What is it?
It's a dust ball the size of a Fluffy!
Come on, why don't you believe me?
Sweetheart, it was just a nightmare, I'm right here, ok?
- Okay. - Just go back to sleep.
I'll keep you safe, from any gooey little thing.
So real.
♪ LIGHT MELANCHOLY BEEP MUSIC ♪
[BABY SOUNDS] Oh yes.
That mommy's little girl.
Shhh. Sleepy time for Samantha.
[BEATS AND ALIEN-LIKE BABY SOUNDS ENSUE]
And Mommy.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC AND BABY SOUNDS CONTINUE]
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh...
[DOOR BELL RINGS]
[MONSTER LIKE NOISES CONTINUE]
You look awful.
Geez, thanks. Where's Jason?
At the creep's. He gets him for two days to act like
he gives a shit.
So, who's your friend?
SARA: I'm a 'nandoula.'
Did she just say Medusa?
Do you see snakes in my hair? No, no, my dear. I'm a nandoula.
I take care of babies for new mothers as a doula and then
continue on as their nanny, if they need me. Oh, and I'll
just bet could use a break from your wee one?
Nope, I don't need a break, thank you. Bye-bye.
Oh, I love your home. It's so... homey.
She loves your home.
Would you like a drink?
No, I'm already pumped. I went to the gym,
Had a facial, and I had a green juice with a coffee which is
basically like a colonic.
I was talking to your friend.
Oh, no, I'm fine, thanks.
So where is my little darling? Hmm?
- Who? - Samantha. She upstairs?
Oh, I would just love to take a little peek. Could I??
I just put her down, I don't want to wake her up.
I'll be quiet as a church mouse. She won't even know I'm there.
Ah, up the stairs, to the...
Oh, no, no, don't worry my dear. I have baby-dar.
Baby-dar? What did she take, happy pills?
What is she doing here?
She's amazing, right? I got her from a company
called Tender Tots. Now you have the freedom to do what you need.
Like, go to yoga, have lunch with your sister, get your nails
- done. - God, you sound
like an infomercial.
Seriously. You haven't separated from Samantha for like a month
since you brought her home.
You need to take a break, sis. Live a little.
You look whipped.
Oh. ♪ UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC ♪
You are just the sweetest little thing.
Why don't we go for a walk. We'll get you outside... we'll
air you out a bit.
I can't leave Samantha alone.
She's not alone.
Sara can watch her. She's a pro and has A plus recommendations.
Trust me. She's in good hands.
Oooh. Oopsie. My, my.
Ooo. Someone's made a boo boo. Yes, they did. They made a
boo boo alright. Yes, they have. Oh yes they have.
Oh, you have just an adorable little one.
- Thank you. - Needs a change though.
- Oh, I'll do it. - No wait. Please let me.
- I love changing diapers. - You do?
Oh, yes I do.
Sara, we're going for a walk, will you keep an eye on
Samantha for us please?
Sure.
I should give you my cell phone number.
No worries. I already have your number on speed dial.
- Really? - Mhm.
Okay, let's go. [INDISTINCT MUTTERING]
It's okay. Oh, oh, I'm s...
See, isn't it nice to get some exercise.
And fresh air.
Yeah, I guess.
It's medical marijuana. For stress.
I thought you weren't stressed.
I'm not... anymore. You should get a
prescription. How do you think moms deal with all this shit?
I want you to have that.
Holy crap. Are you a drug dealer?
Consider it a baby gift, if you ever need it.
This would take me a year to get through.
- Thank you but no thanks. - Just take it.
♪ UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYS ♪
♪ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC INTENSIFIES AND MONSTER SOUNDS BEGIN ♪
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
Yah! Uh, uh. [SOUNDS OF STRUGGLE]
Oh God. Here comes Becky. I hate that bitch.
Hi!
We should go back.
I can't. My endorphins haven't kicked in yet.
I'm having anxiety being away from Samantha.
Separation is good. Teaches the child to... separate.
- She's a month old. - Speaking of separation,
how's it going with Michael?
I mean, he's out late, again. But I think he's hinting about
something big. I think it's a promotion.
That's great news! See, I told you not to stress.
I know... you're right. I'm such a worry wart.
You are a worry wart.
- Can we please go back. Please? - Ugh. Fine!
You can't just leave that there.
- It's free child care. - It's gonna start a fire.
[LAUGHING IN UNISON] We both checked her out!
♪ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES ♪
Oh drat.
Oh, you. Someone pooped their diaper again.
Yes, they did.
[INTENSE BABY LIKE GURGLING]
- Feel better? - Yeah, a little.
I feel better, too.
It's 'cause you're high.
♪ STRING MUSIC PLAYS ♪
Oh my God. Samantha!
Holy shit.
FRANK: I knew I never should have moved back to Shady Grove.
Bad vibes. Bad vibes.
Another case of overkill.
You fuckin' idiot.
Something Shady's goin' on in Shady Grove.
You have something to do?
Yeah. I'm gonna check the perimeter.
Check. Yeah, yeah. Take your time. Alright.
So, I think that takes care of everything.
I think we're done.
Is there, anything else you wanna ask?
It's been three hours. Do we still have to keep going on?
Thank both of you. She was in a new place. She broke her
glasses, ran into the hallway and stumbled and tripped down
the stairs.
We found some pills in her purse for high blood pressure so she
probably just got dizzy and lost her balance.
I'll never forget the way she looked just lying there.
It's a sad fact, but a lot of elderly people die from falling.
These things happen.
A least your baby's ok.
Hey, whatever happened to the murders at the hospital?
Still investigating. And for the next few days there might be
some follow up whenever there's a death, there's always tons of
paperwork.
Who's gonna notify her family?
I will. At least she had a full life.
not like some of those baby faced gangbangers I used to
scrape off the streets in East LA.
You used to be a detective in East LA?
You must be really brave.
No, not really. I worked there for twelve years, dealing
with those gang-banging punks. Til my divorce and then I
just couldn't take the stress and the killings anymore so I
transferred to Shady Grove.
I'm divorced, too.
Do you have a card incase we think of anything else?
Of course. Any questions, anytime, about anything.
- Anything at all. - Thanks.
Yeah, she will.
Really? He is old enough to be our gramps.
I love a man in uniform, besides
I have Daddy issues, you know that.
How could you be thinkin' about sex right now when your
'nandoula' just died in my house?
I dunno, a distraction, maybe.
I can't believe my nandoula is dead. It's too depressing to
digest.
I am hungry though.
Can you just stay until Michael gets home please?
Of course, sweetie. But I'm not going near those stairs.
♪ LIGHT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS ♪
TV: So, uh, you get a lot of tourists here?
Uh. Uh. [BABY MONSTER SOUNDS]
Score.
TV: Now, for a special news report on Zika.
Blood donations were halted...
[MONSTER BABY SOUNDS CONTINUE]
Must be hungrier than I thought.
♪ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC OVERPOWERS THE SOUND OF THE TELEVISION ♪
Meanwhile there is an urgent and potential catastrophic
decline in...
[HORROR TYPE SOUND EFFECT]
Earlier this month we reported...
CYNTHIA: AHH!
7300 pregnant women in the continental US have already...
Hm.
...which is known to cause severe birth defects.
the Zika virus is spread by mosquitos and by sex...
♪ SUSPENSEFUL STRING MUSIC PLAYS ♪
[FART LIKE, WET SOUND]
What the fuck?
Ugh, fucking cat.
Fluffy. Come to mama, you stupid fucking cat...
You just scratched me, you shit.
UGH!
Stupid, fucking cat.
My turn, you little fucker.
Come out you mangy fur-ball!
What are you doing?
Your rabid cat just attacked me!
That's impossible. Fluffy ran away a couple weeks ago.
Yeah, well she's back!
- Are you ok? - No, I'm not ok.
- Look at my face! - It's not that bad, Jane.
Are you fucking kidding me? I'm gonna need plastic surgery.
All I need now is rabies and this'll be the end to a
perfect fucking day! I'm outta here.
Can you just stay a little longer?
No, Michael will be home soon.
- I'm sorry. - Ok. It's not you...
It's this place. It's like the Amityville house for fuck's
- sake. - Well at least let me walk you
- home. - I live three blocks down.
I'll be fine.
- Hey Jane. - Asshole!
Do you even read your text messages?
Oh, my God.
Hello to you, too, honey.
My phone was off.
Well it's kind of important Michael.
We have a baby, you have to keep in touch.
Somebody could get killed and you wouldn't even know it!
Are you alright?
No, I'm not alright.
It was horrible!...Jane brought over a doula and she...
A what?
An expensive English baby-sitter.
Jane and I went on a walk and when we came back the
doula was dead.
What do you mean, dead?!
Dead, Michael as in 'dead' dead. She fell
down the staircase.
Are you joking?
Why would I joke about something like this?
It was awful. The police came. The detectives interviewed us
for hours. We had to make a statement.
What do you mean a statement?
A statement Michael, are you even listening?
Have you been drinking?
I'm listening honey, calm down. Please just go on.
If you had returned any of my calls you would've known.
There's always something more important with you Michael.
You were even late for our child's birth.
That eh... I am here now.
So let's talk about it...
We're doing this now. There's never a good time for you.
Where have you been Michael? What is going on?
A woman died in our home, Robin! Isn't that more important?
Don't change the subject! You always do that.
I'm not gonna fight with you Robin.
I need the truth, Michael!
There is no 'truth.'
Oh, really? Why don't you try me.
You really wanna do this right now?
Yes, I wanna do this right now.
You can tell me anything.
[BABY MURMURING SOUNDS CONTINUE]
♪ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS ♪
I'm seeing someone.
I knew it. Who is she?
I always pictured this going differently.
SPIT IT OUT!!!
Robin, it all happened from the pressure of the promotion and
then, you know, the job and you were having a baby and I
just... I didn't know what to do. And this didn't feel right!
So I just... I'm gonna spit it out. I'm gay.
Come on Michael, stop joking.
I'm serious.
When did you turn gay, this afternoon? We've been
dating since high school! I would've noticed.
No, you were always my best friend, and... and... I guess I was
in denial.
I should have never gotten married.
I guess... I don't know I wasn't ready to come out but I mean...
I wanted to talk to you before you got pregnant but you were
so focused on having the baby that there was never any time!
No, this is not happening!
You're not gay! We have SEX! We had sex!
Oh my God are you gay?
Neil Patrick Harris gay.
Robin can't you say something?
Wow.
I'm not a monster, I'm just gay.
How could I have not noticed.
Of course you're gay, look at you!
I... what?!
I didn't even know for a long time myself but that just...
I wasn't trying to deceive you.
If you cared about Samantha and me you would've told me
BEFORE were MARRIED, BEFORE we had a BABY... while we were
TRYING!!
So, all of this... Is this... Is this all a lie?!
No, no, no it's not a lie! Okay! I have always loved you!
And I have always wanted a baby too. for me and my partner to
raise.
When you say 'partner' you're not talking about 'ME' are you?
Are you?
Randy, and I, want to get married.
Holy crap. You're leaving me for a guy named Randy?!?
You are the worst piece of shit on Earth.
No, no, Robin!
We can do this. We can all raise Samantha together.
You, me and Randy. We can raise Samantha!
Okay, one big happy family!
Let's not throw the baby out with the bath water!
What the hell are you talking about?
Randy is a sweet guy, okay. He's very nurturing.
Nurturing!? I don't care if he can breastfeed my child, he's
never coming NEAR my baby!
- Get out! Get out! - No, no!
Samantha is my baby too! Robin this is my house...
Not anymore! Get out!
Don't you want me to be as God intended!?!
God doesn't give a damn Michael, neither do I!!
You know what, you'll be hearing from my lawyer!
- Oh, yeah!? - Yeah!
Bring it bitch!
[BABY SOUNDS FROM CYNTHIA]
♪ LIGHT MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS ♪
[SAMANTHA CRYING]
Oh, sweetheart.
Hi, hi, hi.
Oh, no. Did Daddy scare you?
Yeah? Oh.
Oh yeah, I got you Samantha.
It's just you and me.
Love juice.
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[CINEMATIC HIT]
Samantha?
Samantha!?
Baby?
Samantha!
[SAMANTHA CRIES]
Baby!
Samantha!
♪ SUSPENSEFUL STRING MUSIC PLAYS ♪
What the fuck?
♪ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES ♪
[SAMANTHA CRIES]
SAMANTHA?
Baby?
♪ STRANGE PIANO MUSIC PLAYS ♪
Baby!
Mommy's coming.
CYNTHIA: Uh. Uh. Uh.
[SAMANTHA CRIES]
BABY!
Baby.
[SAMANTHA CRIES]
SAMANTHA!
CYNTHIA: Uh, uh, uh, uh.
Fluffy?
Fluffy?! No!
[SAMANTHA CRIES]
SAMANTHA!
♪ EERIE PIANO MUSIC PLAYS ♪
CYNTHIA: Ehhhhhh!
Moooommaaa.
Eeh.
Hey, it's ok. It's ok!
Eeeh.
♪ PIANO MUSIC FADES ♪
Alright. Here we go.
Should we ring the doorbell?
Oh. Wow.
She has, uhm. Let this place go.
Probably to keep you from wanting it.
Don't start Randy.
Where is everyone?
Must be early?
Yeah.
Oh God, who invited Siegfried and Roy?
I did.
Why??
He's Samantha's father.
For now. But you're still in the middle of a custody
battle.
- Hey, thanks for coming. - Hey, you know I'm here for ya.
- Come on. - Oh gosh.
Hi, ladies.
Party's over.
Doesn't appear to have started.
Excuse me. Who the fuck are you?
This is going well.
The trees are dying. Let them. Trees just die.
What's that, uhm, Robin?
We already sang happy birthday Michael.
So why don't you take your little boy toy here and... bye!
Same old Jane.
So where's the booze?
It's in the kitchen. Get it yourself.
So, how's it going with Bambi?
Randy... and it's great. Thank you. For asking.
Uhm. For Sammie. Here you go. And that's for your kid.
Whatever.
Hi, little Jason! Hey, buddy. Good to see you.
Mommy's a little cranky today.
Hi, baby girl. You tired, huh?
Wow, you don't smell so good.
Maybe we should change you. You know?
Come on, kick those feet for Daddy. Good girl.
Good girl.
[SAMANTHA COOS AND FLY BUZZES]
Oh!
I cannot believe this pigsty.
When we were married, she was a neat freak.
You could eat off of surfaces.
We could get Ebola.
Pretty sure you don't know how Ebola works.
You never know.
You're such a good girl.
Mommy's dirty, I know. What are you doing?
Evidence.
We need to get some pictures for the hearing.
You're a smart man.
She's fuckin' lost it.
- Leave it! - No. The ants are gonna swarm.
Ants are good. They eat the leftovers.
Hey, what the hell are you talking about? You sound like a
crazy person.
And you look like you're homeless. Are you okay?
- Have any weed? - What?
Weed.
Sure.
[SAMANTHA FUSSING]
Shh, shh, shh.
This place is disgusting.
Let's put you away, baby girl.
Yeah, let's get some sleepy time.
Daddy'll be right back, okay?
Daddy'll be right back. Good girl. Good girl.
At least we got something out of the relationship.
Yeah?
I figure Samantha's going to be ours once we get custody.
You really think the judge is gonna give us custody
over the mom?
Once he sees the photos of this pigsty, he will.
[FLY BUZZING]
Oh, no.
On second thoughts,
maybe we should just grab her and make a run for it.
I believe that's called kidnapping.
Happens all the time. We could move to Rio, start a new life.
- Rio de Janeiro? - Do you know another Rio?
The Rio Grande.
De Janeiro! De Janeiro.
All right.
[THUD]
- What was that? - The fuck?
It's coming from in there.
It's probably a rodent of some sort, like a huge rat.
Oh, that's my old office.
- It's locked. Let's go. - No, hold on. Wait, Randy.
- That's new. - Hold on, hold on, hold on!
For all we know, the crazy bird might have a croc in there.
What? What is that?
- It's Big Jim. - Where'd you get Big Jim?
- Keister. - Huh?
- Prison pocket. - Swamp monster.
- Oh, sweetie. - Joy pouch.
- Joy po... - Yeah.
- I thought I was your joy pouch. - Oh, you are.
- Here, take it. - Okay.
- You're scaring me. - Shhhhhhhhhhhhh.
- Hush those lips. - So sweet.
[LOUD THUD]
- Ready? - Yeah.
- Got this. - You got it.
[DOOR CREAKING]
Oh. Ugh.
Oh, holy cow.
Does she keep the trash in here? It smells like shit.
- Literally. - No kidding.
Oh!
This place is disgusting.
[LOUD THUD]
Oh! Fucking rat. I hate rats. They're so...
ratty.
Just a little jumpy. It's okay.
Let me get the light.
Oh, my God.
[LAUGHTER AND SHUTTER CLICKING]
She's completely lost it.
Is that shit in the corner?
It smells like it.
Oh. Oh!
Oh!
Hey, check this out.
I'm heading home.
Girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
Okay, just do me a favor
and don't say anything to Michael about Samantha
until the hearing on Monday.
And take a shower. Bye.
[CLATTERS]
Michael?
Michael!
Where are you?
Cynthia? Who the hell's Cynthia?
[GURGLING]
- Filthy. - That's disgusting.
"Samantha, Cynthia, Mommy."
Cynthia?
No, no, no, no, no, no! Fuck.
She's lost it.
"October 14. Cynthia burped for the first time."
"December 8. Samantha and Cynthia are inseparable.
They... love playing with each other.
February 21. Cynthia got mad at Samantha today.
She can get so jealous."
What do you make of it?
She's unhinged.
I mean, I knew she was having emotional problems,
but this is...
Oh, God, you're hot.
[CRASHING] Who's there?
Let me get it.
This isn't funny. Open the door now.
Michael.
Holy Christ! What the fuck is that?
[SCREECHING AND SCREAMING]
What are you doing in there?
What... What difference does it make, Robin?
Open the door! I'm serious!
[SCREECHING] You're upsetting her!
Her? I'm upset, Robin! Open the door now!
Well, you wanted visitation?
You've got it.
We're gonna sue your ass!
I thought we were one happy family.
Open the fucking door, you lunatic, psycho bitch!
[SCREECHING] Get it, Randy.
[ALIEN LIKE PANTING]
What are you gonna do with that?
It sees itself in the mirror!
Don't like the look of yourself, do you, you ugly, disgusting
blob?
[SHRIEKING] Get it, Randy! Get it!
[GRUNTING] Careful!
Oh, baby, you're so hot.
Get it, baby! Get it!
- Left! - I got it.
[LOW GROWLING]
Babe? Babe?
Aaah! Get it off! Get it off!
Ack!
It bit my fucking ear off!
[WHIMPERING]
Oh! Oh.
It's just a scratch.
I'll see you in Rio.
Randy? Randy.
Randy.
God.
That creature killed Randy.
- Her name is Cynthia! - Who is Cynthia?
What are you doing? Where did you get the gun?
Jane gave it to me. Step away from Cynthia!
Honey. Careful where you're pointing the gun.
- I'm not your honey! - [MUTTERING]
You were gonna take Samantha away from me, weren't you?
[GURGLING]
- Cynthia! - Aaah!
What are you talking about?
Take it easy. You're scaring her.
Are you crazy, Robin?
Did you like your birthday cake, Cynthia?
Mm-hmm.
Are you Mommy's little girl?
Mommy.
Michael, say hello... to your daughter.
Cynthia.
[BABBLING]
She was in a cyst, Michael. It was a twin.
The doctors were wrong.
The cyst was removed. It was incinerated.
It's not alive.
That... thing is not my spawn.
Don't be mean. And say hi to your daughter.
That disgusting polyp is not my daughter.
Really?
I think she looks just like you.
It needs to be destroyed, Robin. Listen to me, okay?
It killed Randy. It is a monster.
Okay?
Honey.
Don't touch her! Please.
Put the gun down, Robin, or I'll kill it.
- Put it down, Robin! - Okay.
Kick it!
[SQUEALING]
Michael!
Whoa!
Don't you dare hurt her!
- Cynthia. - Michael? Listen to me!
- Cynthia, come here. - Cynthia?
Cynthia? No. Come back.
- Cynthia? Hide-and-go-seek. - Michael, gently.
- Cynthia? - Aaah!
Yaaah! Ow!
No, Cynthia! Bad Cynthia, please!
Ah!
- Dada! - Freak!
Yaaah!
Cynthia... Michael let her go!
Bad Cynthia.
You little bitch!
[CRIES OF STRUGGLE CONTINUE]
Cynthia?
Mama.
[FARTS]
Oh, baby.
Breathe, Cynthia, breathe!
Michael!
[HEART BEATING]
Bad Dada.
[SIRENS APPROACHING] Bad Dada.
[SIRENS GROWING LOUDER]
- I told you. - I'm not even surprised.
[GUN COCKS]
Robin. Please.
[GUN COCKS] That's close enough!
No, no, Robin. Come out of the car.
Please, just come out of the car so we can talk.
About what?
Want me to take the gun out of her hand?
I don't want you to put her in some sort of freak show!
What freak show? Nobody's going to the circus.
Get back! Don't come any closer!
I'll shoot her!
All right, all right. We're not coming any closer.
Just put the gun away and come out of the car so we can talk.
I'm not going to let you take her away from me!
She's my baby!
What kind of shit is she talking about?
I don't know.
Robin? Let go of me. That's my sister!
- Robin? My God. Are you okay? - Whoa, whoa. Back up. Ma'am.
- Jane, get back! - My God. She has a gun!
Don't do anything crazy, okay? Think about Samantha.
Get off of me! Get the fuck off of me!
I need you to go across the street and get out of
- here, ma'am! - Please, Robin!
What the hell are you doing?
Mommy loves you.
- Put the gun down, please! - It's not your fault, Cynthia.
Listen to me.
I need you.
Samantha needs you.
[GUNSHOT] No!
Come on.
Don't go there.
That's a good girl, yeah. Oh, please!
Okay. I know. That was a loud noise.
[WEED TRIMMER BUZZING]
[FLY BUZZING]
Ugh. I hate little creatures. Ugh.
Oh, shit. I'm late for my Brazilian.
Can you watch the kiddos? Yeah, I'll watch you.
[JASON IMITATING CAR ENGINE SOUND]
Bye.
Jason, get the fuck out of my way, you little shit stain.
Fucking kids.
Samantha, you take one more step,
I'm gonna rip off your head and shit in the hole.
Who the fuck are you? [GROWLING, SCREECHING]
[CRUNCHING SOUND]
Subtitles by explosiveskull