I was born jaundiced.
Once I sat on a toilet seat at a truck stop and caught hemorrhoids.
I've learned to live with this chicken bone
lodged in my throat for the past three years.
So I knew Dad would be devastated when he learned of my latest affliction.
Dad, I don't wanna upset you, but my left breast is developing
at a significantly faster rate than my right.
It can only mean one thing. Cancer.
I'm dying.
Okay.
Sweetie, hand me the mayonnaise out of the fridge.
All right. Who's in? Raise your hand.
Are you coming or not, Thomas J.?
I don't think so.
I knew he wouldn't come.
I can't. I have to go home.
Yeah, to play with his dolls.
Leave him alone.
Come on, let's go.
Hey. You didn't pay me.
How do I know you're gonna show us one?
You're such a baby.
All right.
Here.
Okay, follow me, and don't say a word.
You ready?
You sure you wanna see it? Or is someone gonna go yellowbelly?
I'm not chicken.
Okay. Lean forward.
It's empty.
You're so weird.
I want my money back.
I was afraid of this.
Of what?
Well, sometimes, when we get them,
they're not completely dead.
Like when they cut a chicken's head off, and they still run around crazy.
You're full of shit.
I bet she's roaming around this house somewhere.
There she is.
In the rocking chair.
Let's get out of here.
Quick. Come on.
Hurry up.
Hi, Gramoo.
Vada, would you bring down my cigarettes?
See you later.
Did I tell you, he was my woodshop teacher?
You took woodshop?
Yeah, I made a tie rack.
I made a tie rack.
- Fluid's mixed? - Yep.
Vada, just put them on the stool.
Daddy, guess what. I beat Thomas J. in Monopoly yesterday.
Yeah. Rack holds six ties.
I still have mine.
- Arthur. - Vada.
I beat Thomas J. in Monopoly yesterday.
Good for you, baby.
Once you put the hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place, you're a shoo-in to win.
I like to buy up all the railroads.
Vada, we're trying to work here.
Cruella De Vil stole all the puppies.
She was gonna make a fur out of them.
Hand me the cannula.
Vada.
Dad?
I'm embalming my high-school teacher.
Don't sing.
All right, Arthur.
Just slide him to me a little bit.
That's it. That's good.
Okay, put him in a nice Model C-501,
bronze, stainless, Eternal Journey.
Yeah, he'll look like a champion.
Is Mr. Harry Sultenfuss in?
Sure. Come on in.
So have you had the unfortunate experience of recently losing a loved one?
Could I see your dad? Just for a second?
Dad, somebody's here.
He's downstairs working on Mr. Layton.
Prostate cancer.
Once it hits your prostate, you're a goner.
How may I help you?
I'm Shelly DeVoto.
We spoke the other day, regarding the makeup artist job.
- Oh, yes. - It's still available, I hope?
I think it's still available.
I'm a licensed cosmetologist.
I worked for two years at the Dino Raphael Salon.
All my customers cried when I told them I was leaving.
Miss DeVoto...
I have a wonderful disposition. I put people right at ease.
Miss DeVoto, these people are already at ease.
This is not a beauty parlor. It's a funeral parlor.
They're dead?
Yes, they are.
Stiffs?
Deceased.
The ad just said "makeup artist."
- Excuse me a second, will you? - Sure.
- Oh, hi, George. - Hello.
This is a 1258.
I didn't want the burnished handles.
Is that your camper?
Yes, it is.
That's really cool.
Hello.
She's shy.
Just put it back in the display room, fellas.
Okay, Harry.
Daddy, how come that coffin's so small?
They come in all sizes, honey, just like shoes.
Is it for a child?
Of course not.
Then who's it for?
Short people. Very short people.
Excuse me.
What about the job?
Pardon?
I need the job.
You still want it, even though...?
Oh, sure, it's no big deal.
You see, all my former clients will eventually die.
And all your clients used to be alive,
so they have something in common.
You'd be doing hair and makeup, and answering the phone.
Okay, Mr. Sultenfuss.
You've got a deal.
- Great. You can start right away. - Okay.
Call me Harry. Now...
This... Is this what you'd normally wear for work, or...?
Look. - Don't get me wrong,
I like it very much, but the...
I promise, I'll take good care of these people.
They deserve it.
They're dead.
All they've got left is their looks.
Hey, look at this. No feet.
Oh, wow, a real Evel Knievel.
What the hell are you doing in my garage?
Get out of here.
Hi, Vada. What's wrong today?
I'm very sick.
Okay, take a seat.
I'll check if the doctor can see you.
Vada's here. She says she's very sick.
She looks all right to me.
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. He'll see you.
Why don't you go in?
Well, what is it?
I can handle it.
You are perfectly healthy.
That can't be.
I have all the classic symptoms.
Sweetheart, did they bring Mr. Layton to your house today?
- Yes. - Vada, you've gotta stop this.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with you.
I'll just have to get a second opinion.
So, what did he say was wrong with you?
The whole medical profession is a crock.
Hey, wait up for me.
Hey, look.
At what?
That's Mr. Bixler. Let's go talk to him.
I don't wanna talk to no teacher. It's summer.
Hi, Mr. Bixler.
Mademoiselle Sultenfuss, and the amazing Dr. J.
- How's the summer treating you? - It's okay.
Mr. Bixler, I finished all the books for summer reading.
Really? Already? The summer's just begun.
Yes, so now I'm reading War and Peace for fun.
No wonder you're my prize pupil.
What about you, Thomas J.?
I haven't started yet.
Better get on his case, Vada.
Mr. Bixler, how come you're painting this old house?
Well, I just bought it.
Now I'm fixing it up.
This is one big house for one single person.
Well, you never can tell.
I might get a pet.
How are you gonna get the money to pay for this old house if you're not working?
Well, I'm gonna teach creative writing this summer,
so I'm doing some work.
How much does it cost?
Thirty-five dollars.
What do you get for that?
Me, two hours a week, talking about poetry.
This an interrogation, Vada?
No.
Well, guess I'll go home, and finish off War and Peace.
It's summer.
You're kids. Go play.
Wanna go to Gray's orchard and pick some peaches?
No, I'm going home.
Why? It's not dinnertime yet.
Dinnertime? You're like a dog. You just go home to eat.
Don't pee on the hydrant.
Bill
I love you so I always will
I look at you And see the passion eyes of May
Oh, but am I ever gonna see
My wedding day?
Rupert Gwynn called. There was a big accident on PA-34.
They're bringing in two tomorrow.
Excuse me, Harry. I finished Mr. Layton's hair.
He kind of looked...
Harry, what's wrong with her?
Oh, she's just pretending. Vada, get up here, and eat your broccoli.
I think it's my prostate.
Up top. He said something like a sky lounge...
How many removals did you say we're expecting?
Two. Might do a V-section on one. Give me a hand?
I guess so. If you want me to. This isn't gonna be a repeat
of that smelter accident a few years ago, is it?
No. Don't knock that, though. That's how we bought that new Cadillac.
Yes, I know that, except I had a body in my bedroom,
you had a body in your bedroom.
We were littered with peoples' bodies...
Who's winning?
I am.
Look. Vada and her little boyfriend.
He is not my boyfriend.
I bet she kisses him on the lips.
Do you think I'd kiss that ugly old thing?
Yeah, anyway.
Come on, let's go.
Judy's father owns the Bijou Theatre,
and we get to see all the movies we want for free.
Maybe you can come sometime.
Ew, don't invite her.
She'll have to bring her boyfriend.
Vada and Thomas sitting in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes Thomas J. in the baby carriage
You know, Vada, you shouldn't let those girls upset you.
I'm not upset.
I will never play with those girls.
I only surround myself with people who I find intellectually stimulating.
Want a piece of chocolate?
Thomas J.?
I'm allergic to it.
To chocolate?
He's allergic to everything.
To chocolate?
- To everything. - To everything.
That's a pretty ring you're wearing.
It's a mood ring. It tells what mood I'm in.
It doesn't work. It always stays black.
It's only black when you're around, because you put me in a bad mood.
Maybe black means you're happy.
I don't think so.
Shelly, how can I get $35?
She's crazy. She wants to go to school over the summer.
It's not a real school. It's a writing class.
I wanna be a writer.
She only wants to go because her sweetie pie's the teacher.
Shut your big fat mouth.
I think you'd make a fine writer.
Did you ask your dad?
He won't give it to me.
Well, you don't know that.
Ask him.
Edith, what channel is Cronkite on?
Channel 2, Archie.
The one we don't watch,
because you always say Walter Cronkite is a communist.
I never said that, Edith.
The man ain't all red.
What's the matter with this? Ain't nothing coming on.
Oh, I'll help you fix it, Daddy...
Daddy, can I have $35?
That's a lot of money for a little girl.
It's for school.
A summer writing class.
Any more soda left?
Shelly thinks I'd be a good writer.
Last month, you wanted to play the violin.
Then you wanted to be a ventriloquist.
Dad?
I love this guy.
Dad?
What?
The money?
Well, maybe next summer.
He forgot about the time I wanted to be a magician.
I was really great at making myself disappear.
Wanna play?
No. I gotta go to the cemetery.
Keep your head up.
Don't look at the ball. Look at me.
See? You were looking at the ball.
All right? Keep your head up.
Give me some skin.
All right.
Please, open the door.
Please, someone, open the door.
Please, please.
Open the door.
Vada? Vada?
What happened?
My ball.
I lost my ball.
Come on, sweetie.
Excuse me, Harry?
- Could you take a look at Mrs. Porter? - Yeah.
Didn't I give you a picture of what she looked like?
Yeah.
You don't like it?
This was the Reverend Porter's wife.
You have her looking like a $2 hooker.
I think she looks nice.
Her lips are very thin, so I used the gloss,
to give them a more sensual quality.
And her eyes just needed a little definition.
And her hair... I'm sorry. Nobody wears this hairdo anymore in 1972.
She did.
This photo was taken a month ago at the church food drive.
I just wanted to get past this old schoolmarm image.
That wasn't an image.
She was an old schoolmarm.
Fix it.
Harry.
I was just wondering...
if there is anything wrong with Vada.
- What do you mean? - The other night at dinner...
Oh, that. She likes to play.
I don't think so.
I think she's confused about death.
She was raised in a funeral home. She knows a thing or two about it.
But, Harry, I really think...
She's a perfectly happy 11 -year-old girl. Look.
Don't give me any advice about my daughter, okay?
Late last night Not the night before
Twenty-four robbers came A-knocking at my door
As I went out To let them in
This is what they told me Yeah, this is what they said
Patty-cake, patty-cake Turn around
There's Shelly.
- Hi. - Can we look around in your camper?
Sure, I'll give you the royal tour.
Gosh.
Wow, this is the coolest thing.
And you can really eat and sleep here?
I'm gonna drive us to Liverpool.
Liverpool?
Big Ringo fan.
Right. Would you like a soda?
- I would. - Thomas?
Yes, please.
Okay.
What are you reading?
You shouldn't be looking at that. It's a little too old for you.
Did you read all these books?
What are they about?
Mostly love. And romance.
Ew, gross.
They're just fun to read.
Here, cheers.
Are you married?
No. I'm divorced.
Daddy said it's bad when people get divorced.
I know.
Sometimes married people just find out they can't live with each other.
The Meyers are divorced.
Shelly, can I have a cookie?
Hey, where are all the cookies?
Well, I guess you found my secret hiding place.
What are you saving for?
Nothing in particular.
Just putting it away for a rainy day.
I'm supposed to be home at noon for lunch.
Thanks, Shelly.
Bye.
Well, Miss Vada, what do you say we head back?
- Can I use your bathroom first? - Sure.
You don't have to wait. Daddy will be mad if you're late.
Okay.
"The Great Way is not difficult for those with no preferences.
With the absence of both love and hate,
everything becomes clear and undisguised."
That was written by a Chinese philosopher in the year 600.
Now, why would I choose to bring that up in a creative writing class?
Because the absence of judgement helps us to appreciate reality.
In other words,
I want you to listen to your classmate's writing
with a clear and open heart.
Okay?
So, who's gonna go first?
- I got one. - Yeah.
I sang a song for you to hear
I painted a picture for you to see
I picked a rose for you to smell
I planted grass for you to touch
But you did not hear my song
You did not see my picture
You did not smell my rose And you did not touch my grass
Maybe she was out of town.
That's not funny.
His poem is about futility.
We toil in unrewarded obscurity.
Now, I hear judgment.
Let's not forget the part about the open heart.
Vada? Is there something I can do for you?
I paid the money.
For this class?
I wanna be a writer.
But, Vada, this is a...
This is an adult writing class.
Hey, I think it's real beautiful.
She wants to be a writer.
More power to you, little sister.
Vada, you sure you wanna do this?
Okay. Welcome to the class.
Go... Go find a seat.
Okay. Who's next?
I experienced something with my boyfriend the other day,
and I wrote a few words down.
Floor's yours, Ronda.
He covers me like a blanket
From the cold, dark night
As I look into his eyes
I know it's right
To touch
To feel
I know he's real
Flesh
All a mesh
Flesh
All a mesh
I can't fight it
There's no point
I wake up and light a joint
Ava... Vada.
I wrote a poem too.
Please.
"Ode to Ice Cream" ' by Vada Sultenfuss.
I like ice cream a whole lot It tastes good when days are hot
On a cone or in a dish This would be my only wish
Vanilla, chocolate, or rocky road Even with pie à la mode
That's all I got so far.
I hear that, Vada.
Flesh all a mesh, or rocky road,
it's about desire.
Vada, that's...
It's very sweet, and it rhymes, and that's also good, but...
you're not expressing to me what's in your soul.
I want you to show me how you see the world,
your fears, your desires.
Your innermost secrets.
My fears and secrets?
I'm afraid I killed my mother.
Cannot do without
Harry's wild about me
Excuse me, Harry. I'm sorry.
I just wanna let you know that the flowers were delivered,
and the room's all set up.
Thanks. Listen, I wanna apologize, for the other day downstairs about Vada.
I was a little harsh.
I shouldn't stick my nose in other people's business.
It's just that I like Vada very much.
After my wife died, Gramoo moved in here, to help us take care of Vada.
They were very close.
But lately, as her mind's been wandering more and more,
Vada's been acting kind of crazy.
I'm sure she'll snap out of it, though.
I'm sure she will.
Nothing's biting today.
Maybe they had a big breakfast.
I'm gonna be an acrobat when I grow up.
Big deal. I can do that too.
Thomas J., you got something.
Oh, no.
Hurry.
I'm trying.
Reel it in.
It's only a sunny. Throw it back.
I don't like touching fish.
I'm gonna pull the hook out without having to touch it.
You're hurting him. Don't kill him.
Darn hook.
I'm bleeding. Did he get away?
Go look.
Yeah, he got away. Come on, let's go.
Hey, we can become blood brothers.
No, I don't wanna.
You could pick that scab on your arm.
It's a mosquito bite.
It'll bleed.
If I do it, can we go?
Okay.
Okay, rub them together.
Now we're blood brothers for life.
Hi.
Oh, hi. What can I do for you?
Nothing. I was just wondering what you were doing.
I'm just typing up a funeral notice.
You know, when someone dies, we put one in the paper, usually.
It's a service we provide for the family.
Oh, right, right.
"Bader, Lorenzo.
Died June 22, 1972.
Devoted husband to Nicolette.
Cherished father of Fabrizio and Heidi.
In lieu of flowers, please, send donations to the Holy Name Society."
I wrote that.
No kidding?
Oh, it's good, "in lieu of."
I love that word, "lieu."
I prefer it to "instead."
It has more dignity.
"In lieu, instead..."
No contest.
It's no big deal.
Harry, you have to learn how to take a compliment.
Movies, movies...
Love Story at the drive-in.
Cried my eyes out. Did you see it?
I haven't been to the movies in ages.
I love to see movies.
Especially at the drive-in.
I don't think there's nothing more romantic than going to the drive-in.
I'll let you get back to work.
I do enjoy playing bingo.
If you'd like to join me for a game tomorrow night, at church,
you're welcome to.
Okay.
Hi, Vada.
- Are you going out somewhere? - Nope.
So how come you're putting lipstick on?
A girl's always gotta look her best.
I think lipstick looks fake.
No one's lips are that color.
- Have you ever tried any? - No.
Come here. Sit down.
Go like this.
Little less.
Okay.
All right.
Now, first we blot.
Take a look.
I think it looks real nice on you.
Shelly, do you think I'm pretty?
Yes, Vada, I think you're very pretty.
You've got these great, big sparkling eyes,
the cutest little nose,
an amazing mouth.
The boys at school don't think I am.
They'll come around.
Close your eyes.
I wanna bring out the gorgeous color in them.
Now, the first rule in applying eye makeup
is you can never wear enough blue eye shadow.
Do you like putting makeup on people?
I've been trying to get out to Hollywood for years
to do makeup for the movie stars, but...
I haven't gotten there yet.
All right.
Open your eyes.
Shelly, I would definitely hold off on that Hollywood thing.
- Your lip bleeding? - No.
What's wrong with your eyes?
A girl can never wear enough eye shadow.
Where's your bike?
Oh, in the garage.
Walk me over.
It's only a garage. Come on.
Hey, one of my streamers is gone.
It probably fell off in here.
Hey, look at this.
Oh, that was Gramoo's.
It's a phrenology chart. They used to study the bumps on your head
to see if you had a good personality or not.
Come here, I'll diagnose your head.
I don't wanna.
Come on. It's fun.
- Interesting. - What?
You have no personality.
- Hey, where does it say that? - Never mind.
Is that your dad?
Yes.
Who's that with your dad?
That's my mother.
- Do you remember her? - No.
Gramoo said she's in heaven.
What do you think it's like?
What?
Heaven.
I think...
everybody gets their own white horse.
And all they do is ride them, and eat marshmallows all day.
And everybody's best friends with everybody else.
And when you play sports, there's no teams,
so nobody gets picked last.
But what if you're afraid to ride horses?
It doesn't matter,
because they're not regular horses.
They got wings.
And it's no big deal if you fall.
Because you just land in a cloud.
That doesn't sound so bad.
Come on. We're gonna find that streamer.
Well, well, well. What's going on in here?
Nothing. I'm dressing.
Oh, you're dressing.
Harry, Harry, Harry.
Don't you know it's not nice to lie to your big brother?
- Hey, watch the hair, the shirt. - Give. Give.
All right.
I'm going out with Shelly.
Yes. Oh, yes.
Oh, that's great.
It's great.
- I'm very nervous. - Why?
The last date I had was 20 years ago.
That's true.
Harry, Harry.
Sit down.
Let me fill you in on today's woman.
Since the last time you dated, something happened.
The sexual revolution.
Now, before that, you used to have to hold a door open for a woman,
pull her chair out, pick up the check.
No more, no more.
You wanna know what else is missing?
Bras.
Oh, come on.
Harry, I'm serious.
Trust me, Harry.
This women's lib thing is in.
You gotta treat her like every Tom, Dick, and Harry.
You sure about all this?
Did you not tell Vada I'm a womanizer, huh?
Oh, I'm running late.
Shelly will be here any minute.
Oh, she's picking you up? Good. You're on the right track.
No, she's just driving over here.
Then we're taking my car.
How do I look?
Like a Sultenfuss.
Go get her.
- Night, Vada. - Dad.
Why are you dressed up to play bingo?
I just want to look nice.
You never cared before.
Shelly's coming over. We're gonna go together.
Why?
She likes to play bingo.
Can I go too?
No, I think you better stay here and keep Gramoo company.
Kitty, looks like your hunch really paid off.
Yeah, well, I'm glad.
Though I got to admit, I'd just as soon not have any more bounty prisoners
coming through Dodge any time soon.
It's a bit wearing on the nerves.
You know, this day was starting off just fine,
and I'm gonna keep it that way.
Doc, you never answered my question.
Talk about wearing on the nerves...
Vada?
Vada, where are you?
Here.
Don't do that.
Sorry.
What do you want?
My mom will skin me alive if she finds out I'm out here.
Let's go to the church. They're playing bingo tonight.
I told you, I'd get in trouble.
Pacifist.
Am not.
Bed wetter.
I stopped that.
N-38.
- Under the N, three-eight. - Don't laugh. There's a strategy to bingo.
For instance, on a given night, anybody can win, but I play the odds.
When choosing bingo cards, I use a range of theories,
from the laws of probability to avoiding duplicate number systems.
This way you get much more activity.
Does it make it easier to win?
No. Just more activity.
I-17.
- Under the I, one-seven. - Hi, Carl, Vern.
They're not gonna let us in, Vada. We're kids.
We're not gonna bet. We're just gonna watch.
Watch bingo? I don't even like to play bingo.
Duck.
N, four-two.
Under the N, four-two.
Oh, great.
Hey, there's your dad and Shelly.
- I don't want them to see me. - Under the N, three-seven.
B-4.
Under the B, four.
O-69.
Under the O, six-nine.
- I just had a terrible thought, Harry. - What's that?
I'm gonna be putting makeup on some of these people very soon.
Why do you think these seats were empty?
B-6. Under the B, six.
- Can we go yet? - Go.
You know I'm not allowed out by myself after dark.
O-67.
- Under the O, six-seven. - I'm just not lucky, Harry.
Oh, look, it's not always luck.
Depending upon the placement of the numbers, a guy with 10 cards can win
just as easily as a guy with a hundred.
Kind of like men.
How...? How do you mean?
You can be in a room with a hundred men,
and not like any of them.
Or you can be in a room with just one man,
and he's exactly the one you want.
B-1.
Under the B, one.
Bingo.
We have a winner.
Will the winner please raise their hand?
There was no bingo.
It came from outside.
How could someone outside get a bingo?
Someone outside didn't get a bingo.
Someone outside yelled "bingo," you moron.
- Who you calling a moron? - Put a lid on it, Vern.
Put a lid on it?
If you weren't 200 years old, I'd kick your wrinkled ass.
Hey, boys. Hey, fellas.
- It's just a bingo game. - We can go now.
It's just kernels and cards, with bad prizes.
A cheap clock, some ugly glassware.
I had a good time tonight.
I haven't had a bingo partner in ages.
Would you like to come in and see my house?
Just for a minute.
Okay, sure.
Home sweet home.
It's nice.
I did it myself.
I read a magazine article about how to maximize small spaces.
Well, it certainly looks bigger than it seems.
You can look in the bathroom, if you want.
People are always curious about that.
Like what happens when you flush.
Yeah.
Are you mad at me?
No. Why?
I don't know. Tonight you just seemed a little cool.
Not opening car doors, and...
That was Phil, trying to giving me advice on dating '70s women.
Look, I'm so out of touch. I haven't dated a woman in ages.
Not since my wife died.
What happened to her?
Complications during childbirth.
She died two days after Vada was born.
Did she ever see Vada?
I brought the baby into the room a couple of times.
She opened her eyes.
Yeah. Yeah, I think she saw Vada.
It was...
Well, did I ruin this?
Dance with me.
Here?
This is where we are.
Is...? Is there enough room?
- I haven't danced in... - In ages.
I know. Me neither.
Bra?
See? You're not that out of touch.
Phil, he's...
You're good.
At Whitman High, I was considered a pretty hot date.
I did a killer frug.
What are you wearing?
Old Spice.
Phil says it's a timeless classic.
So do you want to?
Want to what?
Kiss me.
- Yes. - Good.
Good at kissing and dancing.
I'm very optimistic.
I better go.
It's only a clock.
Good night, Shelly.
Good night.
Well, I guess it's official.
We had a date.
Maybe we can play bingo again sometime.
I'm tired of bingo.
Maybe we should try that drive-in of yours.
Good night.
Before the class started,
Ronda and Justin wanted to lead the class in a group meditation.
That's really cool.
Okay, what we're gonna do is send our vibes out into the group.
Everybody, hold hands and close your eyes.
Relax your muscles, and take deep breaths.
Now try to feel what the other person is feeling
without speaking any words.
Send out your vibe
and receive the vibes around you at the same time.
Can you feel it?
Okay, open your eyes.
What did everybody feel?
I felt Mrs. Hunsaker's strength.
I could feel that Ronda is one with the earth.
She's so cosmically in tune.
So right on.
That's exactly what I sent out.
And I felt like you were full of inner peace and harmony.
Vada, what did you feel?
I felt Justin's hangnail.
No, Vada.
That's not what we're looking for.
A hangnail is insignificant.
What's in my soul?
Feel my aura.
I don't think I'm allowed to.
Tell you what.
Let's try it again.
Hold hands.
Gramoo once had a hangnail on her big toe.
It got infected, and travelled to her vocal cords.
Ruined her singing voice.
I don't think Gramoo thought it was insignificant.
And some lettuce.
Watch out for the rust, when you get lettuce.
Hey.
I thought I recognized you two.
Hi, Vada.
Hi.
We were just picking things up for the barbecue.
Yeah, me too.
Mind if I tag along?
Not at all.
A lot of potatoes.
It's for Shelly's famous potato salad.
I'm looking forward to that.
Hey, ouch. Damn it. Vada, watch what you're doing.
Sorry.
This is gonna be my first Fourth of July picnic in a long time.
Really?
Dad, didn't you say you needed prunes real bad?
Vada, just put anything you want in the cart, anything at all.
I don't know what's gotten into her today.
I need olives.
I used to like to play with my Ken and Barbie dolls.
Ken was my favorite.
Then one Christmas, I got them a camper,
and all they wanted to do was hang out in it by themselves.
So I wasn't too upset when they took that wrong turn,
and went over the cliff.
Harry, Harry, Harry.
I told you to use fewer briquettes, and now look what you've done.
You cremated them.
That's what I do.
- You wanna do it? - No, no, no.
Why don't you pre-measure briquettes in little packages?
Put out a product. Support me for a while.
- How's it going, chef? - Okay.
- I love your apron. - Thanks.
- Are they ready yet? - No, sweetie, not yet.
When?
Soon, honey, soon.
When?
In a minute. Look, it's hot, sweetie. You'll burn your nose.
Look... Look... Look out.
Larry.
In a minute, Mom.
Dinner.
Okay.
Now.
Rub-a-dub-dub.
Thanks for the grub.
Yay, God.
I'll second that.
Hey, Shelly, like seafood?
Why?
See food.
Oh, that's attractive.
Oh, shit.
Excuse me.
Hi, Shelly. Who lives here, the Addams Family?
Danny, what are you doing here?
What am I doing here? What am I doing here?
Hi, Ralph.
Oh, Danny, how'd you find me?
You told everybody where you were going. I'm here for the motor home.
- No. - These two people
- do not have a good relationship. - I bought it. I paid for it.
I've been living in it for over a year. The camper is mine.
Excuse me. "Mutual asset."
That's what the lawyer said. It's our mutual asset.
- Not Shelly's recreational vehicle. - Keep your voice down.
- Why? - My boss is watching us.
I'm impressed.
God, I guess I have to introduce you now.
Yeah, all right.
This is Harry, Phil, Gramoo, and Vada Sultenfuss.
Vada Sultenfuss?
Tough break.
I like my name.
This is Danny and... And Ralph.
They own the Dino Raphael Salon in Detroit.
We used to be married.
Are you here to take Shelly back?
It's nice to meet you.
We got burgers and hot dogs here, if you'd care to join us.
- I can't stay. I'm here because my wife... - No, ex.
Ex. Ex.
My ex-wife seems to have ripped off my camper.
Shelly?
Honestly, Harry, he got the Mustang.
- I promise... - I don't think so.
I've got a copy of the property settlement right here.
Oh, shit.
This is my lease.
Damn it, I keep forgetting things. I'm getting senile.
Danny?
What?
Okay. I know you've suffered a terrible loss.
And there's really nothing anyone can do to comfort you.
But I urge you to focus on the times you had with the camper.
The trips you took, the sights you saw.
Those days are gone, but they'll live on in your heart forever.
Is this guy boinking you?
Oh, that's a real bonehead thing to say.
You're not gonna take Shelly's camper.
- Oh, no? - It's her home. It's where she lives.
Oh, really? Okay, fine. Look, go cook, okay?
Give me the goddamn keys. Come on.
- That hurts. Stop it. - Danny. Danny
What did you do that for?
Who are you?
I'm his brother.
Oh, then you'll probably be visiting us here quite often.
Why?
Because if he ever tries to take Shelly's camper again,
I'm gonna bury him in my front yard.
Your father's a savage.
Bye, Ralph.
Well, you were pretty great.
Is it really your camper?
Oh, look.
Can you see them from the backyard?
You can get the general idea.
Yeah, there they are.
They always look the same every year.
Look.
Did you...
love him?
I would never marry anybody I didn't love.
He must like Shelly.
I never saw him hit anyone in his life.
He likes her.
Does he love her?
Probably.
Do you like her?
Yes, I do.
And I think she's very good for your father.
Why?
After your mother died, he was sad all the time.
But before that,
he was pretty funny.
Really?
Now when I see him with Shelly...
sometimes he seems like the old Harry.
My dad was funny?
Well, he wasn't one of the Marx Brothers, but he made me laugh.
My uncle fought in the Korean War.
He had a steel plate put in his head.
Daddy said he didn't come back the same.
One night we picked up a radio station from Oklahoma in his teeth.
It was really neat.
Can't you see it?
What?
Can't you see it?
No.
It's there.
Vada, there is no chicken bone stuck in your throat.
Dr. Welty, are you sure those are yours?
So you fill it with water, like this,
and what have you got?
A water gun.
Cool. Can I get one for Vada?
Oh, yes, yes.
Thomas, let me ask you a question.
Does Vada ever tell you why she comes down here so much?
Because she's dying.
Do you think she is?
No.
Why do you think she says that?
Because she gets scared of all those dead people in her house.
And you know that saying, "If you can't beat them, join them"?
Well, if she's one of them, she won't be as scared.
You know what I think?
I think Vada's very lucky to have a friend like you.
She's my best friend.
Miss Vada, how are you feeling?
As good as can be expected.
- Hey, Vada, guess what we got. - What?
This.
Hey, you.
I'm gonna get you.
I'll get you. Give me that, you creep.
I just got you.
No, you didn't.
What?
- There's a beehive right there. - So?
Stand back.
Are you crazy? You'll get stung.
You're right. Let's knock it down.
What do you want it for, anyway?
Because they're neat.
I got it.
My mood ring.
It fell off. I gotta find it.
They're alive. Run for your life.
Run faster. They're after us.
I am running faster.
- Hurry. - Jump in the water.
But I have my clothes on.
Do it.
Vada, is that you?
Yes.
Hey, guess what.
We're going to the carnival tonight. Be ready to go in 10 minutes.
Shelly's coming with us.
So, Vada, what's your favorite ride?
I like the freak show.
I know, I know.
Let's go on the sit-on-the-bench-and-rest ride.
I don't think that the roller coaster agreed with your dad's stomach.
Vada, you have to watch what you eat here.
I remember once I went to a carnival with my cousins, David and Frank,
and they both ate hot dogs, and the next day they came down with nephritis.
Nephritis is a kidney disease. You don't get it from hot dogs.
Well, I'm no doctor. All I know is,
the next day they had really high fevers, and their faces got very fat.
They baffled medical science. They were in a magazine.
They were.
Popular Mechanics. No, Popular Science.
I don't know. It was popular.
Oh, look, they're trying to hit that poor thing.
Watch you don't knock out a fish.
Just arc it.
I don't know which ball's mine.
I won. I won.
- Oh, great. - Hey, we have a winner.
There you go, little girl.
- See how easy it is, folks? - Oh, Vada.
That's a gorgeous goldfish.
Where'd you get that ring?
Did you win it?
Vada, we have something to tell you.
Harry?
Vada, we have some good news.
Shelly and I are getting married.
Oh, my fish.
We're having the wedding sometime near the end of the summer.
You'll be okay, little fish.
Vada.
Would you like us to get you another goldfish?
No. He's fine.
Fish are very resilient animals, you know.
Don't worry. I won't get another fish.
The bumper car.
For just 50 cents, a half-dollar, five dimes, ten nickels,
we have a ride that's guaranteed to rearrange all of your internal organs.
Don't pass me by.
That's the bumper car ride.
Oh, bumper cars.
Oh, you can't go to a carnival and not ride the bumper cars.
I'd fall asleep at the wheel.
I'll ride on the bumper cars with you.
Oh, great, Vada.
Come on.
Oh, two. I got the blue one.
No.
Yes.
I'm gonna come get you.
Vada, keep your hands on the wheel.
Careful, Vada. Careful.
Shelly, look out.
Hi, Vada.
Hi. Can Thomas J. come out?
Sure. Come on in.
Hi, Vada.
Hi. Wanna ride bikes?
Sure.
- Did you make your bed? - Yes.
You're sure?
It's made.
Come here.
You've got a milk mustache.
Come on, let's go.
Bye, Mrs. Sennett.
Bye, Ma.
Have fun, kids.
I'm running away.
Where are you running to?
California.
Going to Hollywood to live with the Brady Bunch.
I wanna live with them too.
No, you can't.
They have enough kids.
You'll have to live with the Partridge Family.
Really?
That's it.
Get up.
I'm tired of running away.
Besides, we passed this place two times already.
We're not getting nowhere.
So why are you running away?
My dad gave Shelly a ring.
Wow, was it a decoder ring?
You're such a retard.
It was an engagement ring.
They're getting married?
So now you have a mother.
I don't like her.
I do. She's real funny.
He likes her better than me.
I'm hungry.
I can't last any longer.
Then go home, baby.
I have to anyway. My mom will be worried.
Leave, then. Some friend you are.
You can come to my house for dinner.
No, I'm hiding out.
Okay, see you.
It amounts to something in the neighborhood of $20 million.
Are the gentlemen going to stay or not?
Perhaps you didn't hear what I said, Mr. Deeds.
The whole Semple fortune goes to you, $20 million.
Oh, yes. I heard you, all right.
Twenty million. That's quite a lot, isn't it?
Oh, it'll do in a pinch.
I wonder why he left me all that money. I don't need it.
In social studies, we learned some people stole the Lindbergh baby
right out of his house.
I think I'll sleep with my window open tonight.
Oh, my God.
Daddy.
Daddy. Daddy.
- Daddy. - Vada.
What's the matter?
- Where's Daddy? - Well, he just left. What's wrong?
- I'm hemorrhaging. - What do you mean, you're hemorrhaging?
I don't want and I don't need your help...
Vada, did this happen in the bathroom?
- How old are you? - I'm 11 and a half.
It's okay. Come on upstairs.
We have to have a little talk.
My mommy and daddy did that?
Actually a very beautiful thing.
And, look. There wouldn't have been a Vada.
I think it should be outlawed.
Well, believe me. Someday you'll feel differently.
That's probably Thomas J. I don't wanna see him.
It's not fair.
Nothing happens to boys.
Hi, Vada.
Can you come out?
- I don't know. - Please?
It's real hot.
Maybe we can go swimming.
No. Get out of here.
And don't come back for five to seven days.
Gramoo, I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be right back.
Stay here.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm so sorry.
All right, Ma. It's okay.
Very, very sorry.
Now, what were you thinking, huh?
It's your responsibility to watch her.
Do you have any idea how upset those people are in there?
Why do you think people wanna get married?
When you get older, you just have to.
I'm gonna marry Mr. Bixler.
You can't marry a teacher. It's against the law.
- It is not. - Yes, it is.
Because then he'll give you all A's, and it won't be fair.
Not true.
Have you ever kissed anyone?
Like they do on TV?
No.
Well, maybe we should, just to see what's the big deal.
But I don't know how.
Here. Practice on your arm like this.
Like this?
Okay, enough practice.
- Close your eyes. - Then I won't be able to see anything.
Just do it.
Okay, okay.
Okay, on the count of three.
One.
Two.
Two-and-a-half. Three.
Say something. It's too quiet.
Just hurry.
I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America.
And to the republic for which it stands.
- One nation, under God, indivisible. - One nation, under God, indivisible.
- With liberty and justice for all. - With liberty and justice for all.
- You better not tell anyone. - You better not either.
Well, let's spit on it.
Okay.
See you tomorrow.
Okay, see you.
Vada?
What?
Would you think of me?
For what?
If you don't get to marry Mr. Bixler.
I guess.
Yes.
No.
Get away.
No.
Come in.
Listen, I've got some bad news.
Thomas J...
Hi, Vada.
Hi.
What are you doing?
Feeding my fish.
- Is that the fish you won at the carnival? - Yes.
He's getting big.
Vada, come here and sit down for a minute.
Vada, something happened to Thomas J. last night.
He stepped on a beehive.
I told him not to tease those bees.
Did he get stung?
Maybe I should go over and yell at him.
No, sweetheart.
You can't.
Why not?
He was allergic to bees.
He's okay, isn't he?
There were just too many of them.
Dr. Welty.
Vada. What's wrong, sweetheart?
I can't breathe. I'm suffocating.
Wait, relax, now. Let me look. It's okay.
Here, come on. Up here. We'll have a look. That's a girl.
It hurts.
It hurts so bad.
Make it stop.
What hurts, Vada?
The bee stings.
I can't breathe.
Vada?
I'm leaving some food for you by the door, in case you get hungry.
- Hi. - Hi. Is Veda home?
Yes, she is, but she's very upset, so she's not seeing anyone.
I'm Judy. I go to school with her.
I wanted to tell her I'm sorry about Thomas J.
Well, maybe she'll feel better in a couple days.
Will you tell her I came by?
- Sure. - Thank you. Bye.
Bye.
- Hi, Harry. - Hi, Reverend Moss.
I know the Sennetts want to thank you for taking care of things so quickly.
Vada?
I see you took your tray in.
Maybe you should come down for the funeral.
Sometimes it helps.
Vada?
She won't come out.
It's been a whole day.
You have to do something.
The funeral's starting.
Open your eyes. She's 11 years old.
Her only friend in the world is dead.
I know that. But what do you want from me?
Stop hiding, Harry.
You run, Harry.
When I first came here,
the idea of working with dead people didn't exactly thrill me.
When I saw a family lived here,
I thought,
if I'm living without a family,
at least I can work with one.
And maybe once in a while be invited in for supper.
Yeah. And when those suppers are disrupted
because there's a car crash, or there's a fire,
or a little boy steps on a beehive...
I'm not asking you to stop feeling for those people.
But life isn't just death, Harry.
Don't ignore the living.
Especially your daughter.
Excuse me, Harry, Shelly. The minister's about to begin.
Thank you, Arthur.
We are here to honor Thomas James Sennett.
He was born May 7, 1961, in Madison, Pennsylvania.
He is survived by his loving parents, Charles and Susan Sennett,
his grandparents, William and Gloria Sennett,
and Gerald and Marjorie Finn, and many relatives, friends, and schoolmates.
The internment will follow at Madison Memorial Park.
The family has asked me to say a few words before we proceed to the cemetery.
No words I could say would begin to express the loss and grief they feel.
One word that keeps ringing in my ear is, "Why?"
Why would God choose to take this little boy from us?
Why?
I can't give you an answer to that question.
But I can tell you that God has chosen Thomas J.
For some very special reason.
We must find solace in knowing that Thomas J. is in God's care.
In that place, there is no sorrow or suffering.
The lion lies with the Iamb.
The day is not divided.
I'd like to read a passage from the Bible.
This is Matthew 19:13.
"At one point, children were brought to him
that he might lay his hands on them in prayer.
The disciples began to chastise them.
But Jesus said, 'Let the children come to me.
Do not hinder them.
The kingdom of God belongs to such as these.'
Then he laid his hands on their heads,
before he left that place."
Let us pray in silence.
Wanna go tree climbing, Thomas J.?
His face hurts.
And where is his glasses? He can't see without his glasses.
- Put his glasses on. - Vada, no.
Put on his glasses.
He was going to be an acrobat.
- He's gone, sweetheart. He's gone. - Get away from me.
Vada, wait. Vada.
Vada.
Vada, I was just on my way to your house.
You all right?
I'm so sorry about Thomas J.
Okay, okay. We don't have to talk about him. We don't...
Vada, we don't have to talk about him. It's okay.
We won't talk about him, all right?
Justin and Ronda say that I should tell people what I feel.
Come here, come here. Sit down. Sit down over here.
Mr. Bixler.
I love you.
Vada...
I love you like my dad loves Shelly.
And I wanna live here.
I think your dad would miss you.
No, he wouldn't.
I can't go home.
Hank, I'll be ready in a second.
I just can't seem to find my other earring.
Suzanne, this is Vada.
Vada. Hi.
I'm really sorry.
- Could you just give us a minute? - Yeah.
Who's that?
That's Suzanne.
She and I are gonna be married this fall.
No.
I was gonna bring her to class next week.
I want her to hear your poem.
Vada. Please, honey. I cared for him too.
- Vada, please. - Get away from me.
Vada.
Vada, sweetheart, don't...
Why do you think people want to get married?
When you get old, you just have to.
Who's that with your dad?
That's my mother.
I'm gonna be an acrobat when I grow up.
Vada, would you think of me?
If you don't get to marry Mr. Bixler.
Now we're blood brothers for life.
Shelly, I'm sorry. We haven't found her yet.
It's dark. She can't be alone in the dark.
- We'll keep looking. - We've been looking since this morning.
Her teacher called,
- and he said she went there first. - I know, I know. You told us.
Vada?
Are you okay?
God.
I should've told Thomas J. He was my best friend.
I'm sure he knew.
Here.
Shelly.
I stole some money from your cookie jar
to pay for the writing class.
It's okay, sweetheart.
I'll pay you back.
Besides, I don't think I'll ever go to class again.
Tell you what.
You dedicate your first book to me,
I'll forget the whole thing.
I will. I promise.
Okay. Get into bed.
- Night. - Night.
She's here.
Did I kill my mother?
What?
The bees killed Thomas J. And I killed my mother.
No, no.
No, sweetie. That wasn't your fault.
Things like that aren't anybody's fault.
It just happened.
I found this.
I forgot about that picture.
Where'd you find it?
In the garage.
That little Chevy was your mother's favorite car.
What was my mama like?
She was pretty.
And kind.
She had your eyes.
Oh, boy, did she love to laugh.
Sometimes when you laugh, you sound just like her.
Really?
You know what your mother did when she found out she was gonna have you?
She came home and painted this whole room pink.
She was so sure she was gonna have a little girl.
Do you miss her?
Yes. I did very much, for a long time.
And even now, I get a little sad
when I think about a pretty flower
or a beautiful sunset that your mother would've liked.
I think every time I see a climbing tree, I'll think of Thomas J.
That's good.
Memories are good, sweetheart.
And, Vada, I'm sorry.
You know, I was...
trying to keep it from you.
I just couldn't.
You're a good girl, and I want you to be happy.
Don't be an old grump like me.
See you in the morning.
Daddy?
It's not so bad to be like you.
Mrs. Sennett, how are you doing?
Some days I think I'll be okay.
Others...
Well, I have to force myself even to get out of bed.
I know it's crazy,
but sometimes I think he's just away at summer camp.
How's Veda?
Oh, she's doing much better.
She's just inside.
Vada.
Mrs. Sennett.
Vada.
I've been wanting to come over to see you.
Thomas J. had this on him.
I thought you might like to have it.
You were such a good friend to him.
I hope you'll still come by and visit me.
I will.
I promise.
Mrs. Sennett?
Thomas J. will be all right.
My mother will take care of him.
Thank you, Vada.
Encased in talent like a uniform
The rank of every poet is well known
They can amaze us like a thunderstorm
Or die so young
Or live for years alone
My advice to you on our last class:
Be a thunderstorm.
What exactly do you mean by that?
I mean...
be dangerous...
and unpredictable.
And make a lot of noise.
Vada.
Hey, how you doing?
Hey.
We missed you, man.
Give me a hug.
I was hoping you'd stop by today.
Can't stay.
I just came to read my poem.
We'd love to hear it.
Weeping willow With your tears running down
Why do you always weep and frown?
Is it because he left you one day?
Is it because he could not stay?
On your branches he would swing
Do you long for the happiness That day would bring?
He found shelter in your shade
You thought his laughter would never fade
Weeping willow Stop your tears
There is something to calm your fears
You think death Has ripped you forever apart
But I know he'll always be in your heart
- Hi, Judy. - Vada.
Things are a little better these days.
I finally swallowed that chicken bone.
Judy and I are gonna be in the same homeroom.
And the Republican Party just renominated Mr. Nixon.