[Music]
[Male voice over] I didn't plan for this...
... this wasn't the life I chose...
if you had told me 3 weeks ago
that I'd be in the middle of nowhere
digging a fucking grave, I would have
laughed in your face and said you need
to see a psychiatrist,
Fucking hell Jack hurry up will you, it's me mum's birthday tonight
if we're not there on time Don's
going to fucking kill me.
Fuck you Danny why aren't you getting in and help!
Well you bent it, you mend it, plus I don't want to fuck up
me new trainers they cost me 600 Quid.
Just cuz they cost 600 Quid doesn't mean
you paid 600 Quid. What's that supposed to mean?
Means you nicked them.
I did not nick these trainers, I got someone else
to nick them for me.
Oh yeah of course you did, cuz there's always someone else in't there Dan.
Oh don't start crying about it, listen this ain't the movies
mate, you ain't acting now, this is real life.
I'll never be in the movies now will I!
Shh calm down, stop fucking crying and just dig will ya.
[Distraught] I'm a good person Dan,
I'm not a gangsta!
Just dig the fucking hole mate.
[Crying and digging]
Danny and I go back a long way.
Mate, what about this? Leave it it ain't worth nothing,
come on grab a box let's go.
Infact we grew up together,
we were inseparable, even as young kids
we both knew what we wanted out of life,
not the usual shoppy kid stuff,
like wanting to be a fireman or a Spaceman or a Superhero,
we never want to be anything like that,
we just wanted to be rich and
powerful, we just wanted to be
gangsters.
See you got the pram. Yes mate.
Where'd you get it? Nicked it from the supermarket.
What are you doing standing there Jack,
put the boxes in the pram.
He can't. What do you mean he can't?
He might hurt the baby.
What!
[Baby talk]
How are we going to shift the boxes?
Shift the boxes, shift the bloody boxes,
We're all going to get done for kidnapping!
Don't shout man, you'll fighten the baby.
[Frustrated] Ahhh! [Baby cries]
See I told you.
Just take it back where you found it,
we'll come back later for the stuff.
[Baby crying] Oh no you won't!
[Music]
Even as kids, Danny knew how to
push buttons on people and make'em do things
they didn't particularly want to do.
Wow! See I told you.
Now that's what I call a Fanny Magnet.
As a kid I had a fascination for cars,
still after this day, and Danny knew it.
'Ear look at the dashboard. Yeah Chrome and leather.
Look closer some idiots' left his keys in it,
fancy a spin? No.
Come on your dad let you drive his van
it can't be that much different.
Please don't listen to him Jack,
we can get in a lot of trouble.
No I told you I'm not doing it this time.
Oh you're a coward, you wait till I tell everyone.
He's like the devil on your shoulder Jack,
resist temptation, remember
what happen to you in the girl's toilets.
I told you I'm not doing it.
Just do it, just turn the key it ain't going to kill ya!
Don't listen to him Jack he'll
get us in trouble again.
Hey Jack, ain't that the sort you like? Which one?
The one with the big milkers. Oh Gina?
Yeah that's the one, start a car Jack.
Oh fuck this I knew it.
[Music and car horn beeping]
Oi Gina, fancy a spin?
Jog on little boy! You're loss ladies.
Pull away Jack before we look like mugs.
[Music and car tyres screeching]
The policeman battered the fuck
out of us for that little venture,
grown men punching and kicking 12year old kids
rather than teach us a lesson, it just
fed our hatred for authority.
Don they're free to go,
no charges are being pressed.
Yeah too fucking right they are, fucking,
look at the state of his face, fucking hell who did this
to them mate? I'll deal with it, leave it with me,
it's bang out of order.
You fucking better deal with it otherwise I will.
Boys!
Sorry Uncle Dom. Sorry.
[Music] What am I going to do with you lot? eh!
Sorry Uncle Don. Sorry.
Fancy a Wimpy?
Yeah, yeah. Let's go.
I used to like Danny's Uncle Don, back then I had no idea
that he was a much feared
head of a crime family,
I just thought he was a nice guy.
[Music]
Danny had a sort of mentor called Ray,
Don's brother, he was a proper gangster
and to be quite honest a bit of a nutcase.
I'm not too sure about this Dan.
You coming or aint you got the bollocks.
I can't see a thing in here, Marmite
put that torch on.
I didn't bring it with me.
You what? The batteries were flat,
I bought this instead.
What the fuck's that?
All the shops were shut, it's better than nothing
anyone got a light?
If you don't sort your fucking
power out, I'm going to shove that candle
up his ass. Alright!
[Shouting] Ow! ooh!
oh oh I banged my shin on something,
it looks like an old bomb. Yeah hold that.
Fuck off, I'm not holding that! What if it blows up!
[Banging crowbar on the metal bomb] Be careful.
What's this?
[Hiss of gas escaping]
Hurry up Chop Chop.. [Shouting] COME ON.
[Cowbar hitting the bomb] [Cries out] Ahh!
Stop fucking hitting it, it'll go off!
Get on with it Marmite come on.
Leave it alone, it's going to fucking blow!
Someone take that thing from him!
Don't worry about the bomb, worry about me.
Take it out of his hand.
[Yells from all, then explosion]
[Shouting] I told you, I told you not to do it!
Fuck this... fucking hell! [All coughing]
I said be careful. Oh fucking hell, oh I'm all burnt.
Come on Jack you've got nothing to worry about mate,
how many years do we go back?
I love you man, I got your back.
I'd never put you in a position where you'd get hurt.
Having lost my appetite for the underworld,
after blowing up half of Chislehurst high street,
I let Danny talk me into a new career path.
We found a hidden talent in you and we're going to
make millions out of it.
Yeah just think about the money,
if we win this, it's 100 quid mate.
[Mans voice calling out] Danny... we're on.
[Crowd general hubub]
Get up, listen to me,
what are we gonna do Jack? [Quietly] Win.
[Shouting] Jack what we gonna do mate? [Louder] Win!
[Shouting] Come on Jack, what we gonna do?
[All shouting] WINNN!
[Fight MC] Ladies and gentlemen the bet you've been waiting for,
the main event of the evening,
Carnage in .... [Crowd roars]
Come on Jack mate, we got this,
remember what I taught you, yeah jab, jab...
and when the time's right, good right.
[Music and general crowd roars]
He's fucking massive!
[Music and crowd]
Your fucking dead.
Don't worry about that, the bigger they are, the harder they fall, go on Jack.
[Fight MC] Ladies and Gentlemen let's hear it for
the Red Corner, on his debut fight,
Jack... Light's Out... Smith!
[Chearing and booing]
[Flight MC] And in the blue Corner,
The undefeated champion, Mickey Grave Digger Grant.
He's bigger! Fucking hell!
Right guys I want a
good clean fight, no fucking biting ears off
like last time, you hear me.
Ears off?
[Boxing gloves thump together] Fight!
[Crowd general shouting]
Come on Jack, take his head off Jack.
Go on Jack bash him up!
Footwork Jack, footwork.
[Crowd hubub]
You're looking good keep moving.
That's it... bit closer.
[Crowd member]Fucking get on with it.
[Tin can hit] Ahhh!
Better hurry up to do something
before they do us!
[All voices are deeper and in slow motion]
I always thought that boxing was one
of the oldest, most noble professions in the world.
I couldn't wait to give it a go,
[Thud] [Crowd cheers]
Somebody throw the towel in!
Come on it's embarrassing.
That day I learned one of life's big lessons,
but I was no Tyson Fury, thinking back...
Don't be a wuss! ... Britany Spears could
have done a better job.
Put it on him Jack put it on him!
[Growl] Arghh! [Thud]
[Silence]
[Thud]
[Silence]
[Sound of a tree being felled]
[Thud and a cheers from the crowd]
[The crowds cheering faids]
[Faint voice] Jack, Jack come on, wake up mate .
Don't leave us.
[Clearly] Jack!
The ambulance is on its way.
I think he's going to be all right, he's, he's coming round.
How long have I been out for?
Not long mate, only about 45 minutes.
Did I lose any teeth?
No mate no, they're all still there.
[Releived] Oh...
that's a result.
[Music] I decided on one last career change
and I played it safe this time,
I joined a drama College.
[Teacher] Great you really nailed that, take five,
Jack you fabulous darling, do it how you're doing it.
Come on guys.
I know people will say dramas' for mugs,
however it does have its perks.
What you doing after rehearsal?
Not sure, why what were you thinking?
I was thinking that maybe you should take me out.
Perhaps have a bit of nosh?
She wasn't talking about food that's for sure,
they don't call her Linda blow lips for nothing.
[Music]
[Audience cheering]
Everything was going perfect,
turns out I wasn't half bad at the old acting,
the crowd were lapping it up and
so was I.
[Music]
Linda certainly lived up to her reputation,
I never really looked back on
that decision to take up drama,
[Music and Jack gasping]
it changed my life.
I want you to be honest with me,
is it true?
Sort of.
What do you mean sort of?
I wasn't sleeping with your sister.
So there is someone else.
There was, but just the once I promise you.
[Sighs] But who?
Tell me who it was and we might
be able to put this behind us and move forward.
It was your dad.
[Music and director] And cut! That was fantastic flawless.
[Assistant] Right that was a wrap for the day everyone.
I was spotted in the school play
and landed a part in a well-known TV soap.
The money was rolling in, I love the fame
and if you read the rumors in the
magazines yes I was shagging my co-star
and the actress that was playing her sister.
[Club music and general chatter]
Meanwhile as I was conquering the world
of Television, Danny climbed the ladder
of a South London crime family.
Let me tell you something for nothing.
Gangsters love a celebrity.
The mafia had Frank Sinatra, the Krays at Barbara Windsor
and South London had me!
Dan, Dan come sit over here!
Here he is hello mate!
Jump in.
How's our Mr ollywood doing then?
Really well Don.
Listen Danny boy tells me you're leaving the show
is that right?
Yeah 5 years is long enough,
time to move on.
Well they're killing the character off then?
yeah his wife catches him in a threesome with her dad
again, so she smashes his head in with a
fire extinguisher.
[Laughter]
Who's the third person?
Her brother.
Her brother! [They all react]
Fucking hell!
I tell ya that makes me cringe that stuff,
I don't know what this world's coming to!
That's how it is now Don, you have to be politically correct.
What three blokes up each other?
I don't think so! Oi stop it!
I'm just saying.
He's right Don same with all that pronoun stuff.
What pronoun stuff?
He she they them.
Oh that's a load of bollocks that is,
I tell you if you piss standing up you're a he,
if you don't you're a she.
It's not as simple as that these days Don,
It depends what you identify as.
What would my pronoun be?
Fat mug! [All laugh]
Look we live in a modern world now Don.
I mean look at the telly, soaps, adverts, everything's
got to have an LGBT appeal these days.
What the fucks' LGBT appeal?
Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender with a bit
of black throning a good measure. [laughing ]
Fucking ell, now I tell you what, I've heard it all now.
I'll tell you that. That's the way of
the entertainment world Don, they're
even doing it in films.
Hello Gilbert.
Alright Gilbert!
Hello chaps. Gilbert.
Jerry!
Who the fuck is that?
A couple of good pals of mine.
If you say so.
[Music]
Look we told you, just leave us alone all right!
Honestly. Give over your having a laugh.
Dan tell them, they don't believe me!
Don't believe what? That I'm the same
age as you and Jack.
[Laughter]
He's actually telling the truth he is.
No! you're all taking the piss.
I've had a very hard life, sex and drugs and
rock and roll.
Well you can roll on, mate,
you're not chatting me up.
[All] Ohhh! [and laughs]
See that's what happens when you burn
the candle at both ends Marmite.
I don't know that bad do I?
[Laughter]
I hey Don listen, Jack wants to ask a
little favour when you got 5 minutes mate.
Yeah of course, come over the yard in the
morning, I can't hear myself think in here.
Get that bottle of champagne open will ya!
it's sitting on its own.
I'll have some of that
[Arguement] Fucking leave me alone....
Just come 'ear. Fucking leave it out.
Ray! What's your problem?
stop being such a fucking...
No!
I don't fucking like them things...
Don't fuck around...
Come and touch it...
[Arguement continues, general machines working]
[Laughter]
[Arguement continues] ... fucking come here...
He's unbelievable isn't he.
Ray can be a right arsehole sometimes.
How was your trip to Belgium?
Yeah went really well, met the boss himself,
really nice guy, said he'd undercut any competitors and
and guarantee delivery. Finally we can fuck the Turks off.
And the goods? Fantastic stuff Don,
blew my head off . Can we trust them?
As much as we can anyone Don, I mean we trust the Turks
we can trust any old cunts.
You have got a lovely way with words
you know that. Thank you.
Danny's here. Yes send him up.
Have you seen what's going on out there? Ray is acting
like a complete prick.
You, you just watch yourself alright,
that prick is my brother, go on.
You alright Mum?
Alright Dan. Am I going fucking mental? right,
was Ray running around outside
with a live rat?
Yeah nothing surprises me about Ray nowadays.
Your brother's fucking mad,
someone should tell him about Weil's disease.
Oh yeah what's that then?
It's a deadly disease carried in rat's urine,
it's not fucking funny Ray,
it's a fucking wind up.
How'd it go last night?
We did some good work Don. Anyone hurt bad?
We broke a few bones, but no one's dead if that's
what you mean!
Yeah I thank fuck for that.
So I'll go in right and I'll put it on that slag
maltese Ricky and he's there the aresehole's gone.
so I carve him up,
there's a sea of blood I shit you not Dom,
it looked like...
[Jack voice over] The gang were having a dispute
with a guy called Maltese Ricky...
... begging not the face, not the face,
not the fucking, face you slag...
[Voice over] He owed him some money,
so Dom asked Marmite to sort it.
So I want you to take Danny and Gilbert
over to West London, all right?
Tell those Maltese slags to pay up or else.
Look all due respect Don, I don't
need Danny and Gilbert to nursemaid me,
I want to earn my spurs, I want to take a step up,
up it's a popular
misconception that I am fat and out of shape...
No!
but I can have a tear up.
That West Landon lot I'll shit 'em. I am known as
Marmite the merciless.
Merciless, merciless? I'll give you fucking
merciless you prick.
Honestly you can keep the money, it was a joke!
[Thumps and shouting in pain] Ow! Marmite you prick!
Don was well pissed off when Marmite
come back with broken ribs and his arm
broke in three different places.
So we sent Ray to sort Maltese Ricky out.
[Shouting in pain]
Fucking pounded him to an inch of his life.
Ray is an enforcer for the gang
known to most of the gang as nutnut,
Now how we got that name... now there's a story...
Ray was doing time in Nick and found out the rat who
grasped him up was in the hospital unit
in his prison.
Ray wanted him bad,
[Doctor] it all sounds fine to me.
Oh glad to hear it doctor. It's just a touch a depression
you'll get over it, I'm sending you back to your wing.
Ray was fucked, so we had to
come up with something pretty
exceptional to get him out of that situation.
Can you hear that doctor?
What's the matter? Can you?
What? They're everywhere!
Who? The dead people.
Come on... They're watching me...
Get a grip!
[Shouting] That one's got an AXE!
Stop fucking about. [Screms in fear!] Ahh!
Oh Jesus Christ!
[Glass shatters]
[Thud]
[Voice over] Great idea, but the thing was,
Ray forgot he was two floors up.
[Hurried steps] Are you all right? Oh my God!
[Voice over] The doctor had no option but to certify him insane.
Hense the nickname Nut nut.
It was fucking glorious.
So how's it left then?
Had to pull all the Maltese Ricky's teeth out,
I'm thinking of calling him Ricky the Gums...
[Laughter] ...perhaps he'd forgive us if I buy him a set of falsies.
Jack...
what's this favour you're after?
I've been offered a part in a film,
it will take me away from TV, to another level,
it's a gangster film.
It's not going to be another comedy is it?
You know it makes us all look like mugs.
Ah that's just it Don, I want it to be realistic.
Basically he just wants to come out and
shadow me for a little bit, you know
see what it's really like out there. Yeah.
You're all right with this? Yeah it'd be alright,
I don't see why not do you?
So long as we get invited to the premiere
Of course.
[Music]
I want you to pay the Turk brothers a visit,
give them a message from Don.
Oh do I have to, they're a bunch of fucking wrong'uns.
Yes I have to attend a little personal problem.
Drop me out Ray, mate please.
Danny, what you worried about?
not like they're going to kill you are they.
Take Jason Statham with you, let him
see how the other half live.
Make sure you wear your stab vests.
[Concerned] Stab vests? He's fucking about come on.
Gil'll be your backup, he'll pick you up tonight
and take that fat lazy prick
Marmite with you as well.
[Music]
[Radio presenter] well if you're heading to the beach....
don't forget that sunscreen...
... the best music all day long...
I never had you down as a reader Marmite.
I'm not books can do one,
tits I've got time for.
Though they got rid of Page Three?
They did to appease the wanky feminist lobby.
And I absolutely think that's right.
They're doing people out of a job Gilbert.
How did you work that one out?
Well instead of getting some nice young girl to get her baps out,
out they get some celebrity in a bikini
and it's double exploitation.
How do you work that one out?
Well they're still showing the female form in all its glory,
but no one's getting paid and they call that progress.
What's he harping on about now?
Nothing really just being his usual sexist self,
reckons all birds should get their tits out.
Men have been using power
and money and women have been using
looks and sex since the beginning of time
I mean look at Cleopatra, when she
was pegging Julius Caesar.
That's actually quite insightful Marmite, you should put
that on the back of a car sticker or coffee mug.
Speaking of mugs, you're late.
Well you best get a move on then ain't ya...
[Car engine starts] ... come on let's go.
[Music]
Right Jack listen don't look at these
guys funny cuz they ain't exactly
Turkish do you know what I mean.
What do you mean? not exactly Turkish.
Well one of them's black, one of them's Scottish and
the other one's maybe Turkish.
I thought you said they were brothers?
Well that's what they say, that's what I mean, don't ask.
So they were adopted. Well we don't know what they are.
Just to clarify,
is it mus or moose? Well I think moose.
but you don't say nothing you don't need to speak,
just stay calm don't get
involved in anything. Moose can be a
little bit violent.
[Music]
Oh fuck this man, listen Ray should be
doing this, this is a load of bollocks.
We don't want to wind the Turks up, so leave
any tools you've got in the motor.
Jack listen mate these guys are absolute
fucking psychos they've lost the plot,
don't say nothing, just nod and shake
your head and only talk, if they talk to you alright.
Okay Joe stay with the car.
Okay Gil, right come on, let's do this.
[Music]
You alright Candice? Alright boys.
Good to see you with your clothes on.
Hiya Candice, you still single?
[Singing with piano accompliment] My forbidden love is stronger than the
binds that hold me,
my forbidden love,
I think I'm old enough to choose,
my forbidden love,
the one I had in a picture book,
my forbidden love with you.
Oh I could just do with a kebab.
What?
I'm starving I haven't eaten all day.
I've just seen you eat two club
sandwiches and three Jam Donuts in the car,
car you gluttonous Pig.
I've got a blood disorder, I have to keep my sugar levels up.
Oh shut up you toe rag, we're here to work,
Danny darling where the fuck have you been?
Oh sorry we got a little bit held up.
Follow me, they're waiting for you.
[Old time piano music]
I'll give you that 20 on Thursday mate.
Alright.
Oi garcon, a bit of service at the bar s'il vous plait.
What can I get ya?
I'll have a double Brandy, one cube of ice and
for the lovely lady... I'd like a nice
bottle of carafe please.
A carafe is a container that the wine comes in mum.
Oh really silly me. Silly as arseholes my misses.
But my daughter's the opposite, private education
cost us a bleeding fortune but
money well spent.
She's bisexual as well.
Bilingual Mum. Oh yeah that's the one,
she can speak fluent French, go on Aggie, speak
to them in french.
order yourself a drink for the lady,
I'll just have a Coke with ice please.
And what wine can I get you madam?
I'd like a nice bottle of champagne, some
Prosecco please.
Prosecco isn't champagne mum.
We haven't got any prosecco I'm afraid.
Oh fuck me, what sort of a place is this then eh?
Go and get us a bottle of champagne, now.
Which one? I like the most expensive one darling.
Gotcha!
Muz's a bit pissed off that you're late Danny.
Oh yeah is that right yeah, fuck him.
I know that cute little face,
you're quite the
celebrity, what's your name?
Jack.
And yours? Lotta.
Listen don't worry about all that Jack, remember what I told you,
keep your fucking mouth shut alright?
[Background music]
Does Mem's appearance offend you?
No.
I was just wondering that's all.
How I got this?
Well you know just interested.
Friends call me Dr. Dolittle.
That's an interesting nickname.
I have a way with animals, a gift,
when I was young I found this
beautiful little bumblebee,
it was cold and the bee had no
energy to fly home.
[Music]
I made him a little drink of water
and honey to revive him and sustain him
on his perilous journey back to the hive.
[Music and bee buzzing]
I was sure he was trying to say
thank you, my God for giving me
energy, he even let me stroke his
delicate fur.
[Music]
As if by magic it took off.
[Music]
There, there my little bee friend.
Don't be afraid, fly back to the queen and tell
her Mem sent you.
[Music]
So the bee made it back to the hive then.
No the ungrateful little cunt stung me in the eye,
[Painful screaming]
[Shouting] HELP!
In my panic, I ran into a
Romanian Gypsy Camp, looking for help.
Help! help!
[Dogs growling]
Help me!
[Dogs barking]
The dogs were a savage vicious curse,
[Dogs barking]
frightening to most people, but not
to Dr Dolittle, the Dog whisperer,
part of my gift was that I
could telepathically communicate with animals.
[Dogs continue to bark]
Sh-lee-taah!
[Barking]
Ee-sh-nar.
My calming incantation never fails,
I had the situation completely under my control...
until...
Ee-sh nar....[barking] [Screaming]
Fuckers bit my hand off.
[Surpressed laugh] God!
Could have been worse.
[Shouts] It was!
I was desperate if I went down, they
would have eaten me for sure,
my only hope was to make for the open road,
Ohh! [Screeching of tyres]
[Thud]
[Glass slams down on table]
That's how I got my wooden leg.
[Three knocks on wood]
[Choking and coughing]
That's um [coughs]terrible.
Enough of this, where the fuck's Ray?
Baby, this is uh dad's mate Ray.
you remember my daughter Agrippina?
No I can't say I do.
Oh we're having the night out and we're celebrating cuz
she's just had a beautiful baby girl.
Oh yeah good for her.
What? what's up Ray?
£140 please. Keep the change love.
Oh thanks.
You're not going to buy me a drink?
Seeing as it's my money you're spending.
do you mind we're out celebrating and we do not appreciate you
just walking in here uninvited.
Let me stop you there, you orange face slag.
Before I have to take this glass and
smash it down your throat.
Dad are you going to let him talk to Mum like that?
You can shut up as well. How old was she, when she
got knocked up fucking 12?
Don't worry girls he's only joking we're good mates
aren't we Ray, we go way back.
Back far enough to know, I don't joke and I don't
like to find people that owe me money.
Go outside girls, I need to speak...
They stay where they fucking are.
Look mate,
I'm I'm really sorry, could I maybe try
and explain the situation to Don?
I ain't your mate and I don't give a fuck what Don thinks,
you took the debt from me.
I'm sorry Ray, I really am but I don't want any problems.
Problems? how about I fuck
your asshole so hard it looks like a jam fritter?
how's that for a fucking problem!
I'm sorry mate but I been on hard times.
[Shouting] DON'T fucking lie to me, I gave you the money
you slag cuz you said you was
having trouble with your morgage,
you said you was going to have your home repossessed,
then what did you do?
[Shouting] Went on a fucking cruise.
It was only a short one Ray.
Oh it's all right then and how about
the motor, bought yourself a brand new
Range Rover have we?
No, no he didn't he
bought that as a present for me.
I swear to God, if you don't shut her up, do you
know what I'm going to do? I'm going to
tongue punch your arsehole and make her watch.
I'm really sorry Ray I really am mate,
look here, have the car key and the money,
it's all yours mate and me watch,
and the jewelry. What are you doing?
What you doing? Give me the fucking ring.
[Shouting]You bastard.
Mum, be quiet.
What? you've insulted me now.
I'm not a lone shark bully,
just pay me what you owe me, please.
I will Ray, I promise four weeks tops,
I won't let you down.
Oh I know that.
Can I get you a drink?
No no, let me get you both one.
[Trouser zip]
[Water filling the glass]
[Trouser zip]
Do you prefer a glass or do you want it
straight from the pipe?
Don't worry love I'll leave you out this round,
you look a bit young to drink.
Now drink it.
[Shouting] Fucking drink it now!
[Sobbing]
Four weeks and I want every penny.
Where the fuck is Ray?
Ray couldn't make it alright but he sends his regards.
then you come here, for that?
Well no, I got a message from Don an' I.
And?
So fucking what! Look listen he wants to
meet somewhere neutral, yeah
renegotiate terms of business.
[Speaks in Turkish]
I've known Don for 10 years,
what's there to renegotiate.
Can't answer that, look he just told me to delivered a message, yeah.
And he sends a fucking runner!
on a fucking errand, it's an insult and
who the fuck are you? who you
Who?
You! Me?
[Speaks in Turkish]
Really?
Superstar.
[Laughs and claps]
Yeah, you're in that program,
East Street!
Yeah, yeah that's right that's me.
You're the guy who likes dick!
Now we're talking!
Ah no, only in the last couple of episodes.
My daughter, [Laughs] she loves that show.
Mem! selfie! Come here, come here.
Selfie! Come on.
Eh! Lotta... Lotta, break out the Tiger milk,
You boys like Raki? Yeah.
I got some special Rakiii! [All cheering]
[Chanting] Raki, Raki...
[Turkish Club Music]
[Club Music continues]
[Chanting] Raki, Raki, Raki...
Well how to meet go boys?
How'd it go? Dunno, I think someone spiked the Raki!
We should never have had those Disco Biscuits.
That coke didn't help either.
Listen I'm glad Mus recognize you,
but you should not have given him your number.
What could I do? Give him a moody one.
He took my number and rang me back straight away
so I'd have his number.
Just ditch the phone. No you can't do that,
he'll go fucking mental.
It's okay don't worry about it, what can happen?
[Mobile phone rings]
Fuck it's Mus! It's Mus, fucking answer it then.
Hello? Uh no... I'm afraid I've got a girlfriend,
uh yeah, no it's really just acting okay,
I promise.
Who was it?
Lotta, wanted to take me out on a date.
[All laughing]
Should have give her my number, I would have give her one.
I bet you would.
Listen you're not going to hear the end of it Jack,
mark my words. Come on lets get out of here.
[Sighs]
[Music]
[Mobile phone rings]
[Quietly] Fuck!
Mus.
I was just thinking about you.
There was this advert in this comic
there were these beautiful, little pink water monkeys
having a great time, they were,
Yeah great time.
They had a little one
digging up treasure, another one eating
his ice cream, his King all proud with a crown
his Queen laying beside him having a picnic,
propper sort she was,
I'll tell you this for nothing,
if she weren't a water monkey, I'd have
given her one.
How you eat an ice cream underwater?
Yeah I was thinking that. [Laughter]
[Shouting] You shut up and let me finish.
Sorry!
Where was I?
Yeah so I sent off to America, got the
deluxe version, postage cost me a fortune.
When it arrived I was all
careful to open it, I didn't want to frighten them,
I was a bit disappointed,
I thought they'd be fully grown and all I had
was his pack of tiny eggs, but I nurtured them
There you go. I nurtured them morning,
noon and night and then that day finally arrived,
and I realized I've been ripped
off with a load of fucking waterfleas.
So how much they set you back then? Five quid.
And what do you expect for five quid?
Jurassic Park? [Laughs] What' you do with them?
I dropped the cunts down a toilet
[Explosive laughter]
[General construction]
We've got a problem?
Ginger nut has just been nicked
with a ton of our puff and a shitload of cash.
We need to get to him before he gets time to think about it.
Ginger won't grass he wouldn't dare.
You are talking about a lot of time, someone needs to speak to him.
Yeah Sadie's right nothing
surprises me nowadays.
Gilbert go and pick up Crassus and get over there.
Oh look who's late again Jack.
Sorry Dan, our new mate's driving me mad.
Fuck, it's him again. Just fucking ignore it.
Ignore who? Mus!
Who?
Mr Turk.
What the fuck's he calling him?
He recognized him and
asked him for his number. When?
When we went to deliver your message.
Who sent you to deliver my message to the Turks?
Ray. I sent you.
I had to attend a little personal problem.
I sent you, you cunt!
What's he want?
He wants me to go to his daughter's wedding, as the man of honour.
Well tell him you can't make it, you're filming or something
Wind him down gently.
Yeah tread carefully, them Turks are lunatics.
Right, you three get the fuck out of here,
You, I want a word with you, what the fuck are you thinking?
[Music]
[Voice over] When you're working for a crime family,
and all going hunky dory you're fine.
One of the crew, family, bonded by blood.
But if it all goes tits up things are very different,
Suddenly you're on your own,
cast a drift at Sea.
[Guard] You got five minutes with no cameras, Crassus.
[Voice over] If you don't do what the boss wants,
there will be very dire consequences.
Carassus, thank God... Shut up...
and let me tell you how this is going to play out.
I get you're scared,
and you want me to tell you nice things,
warm cuddly things,
but first I've got to tell you how it is.
The good news comes later.
Understand?
I understand...
I don't have time for you to talk either,
any questions just raise your hand,
good... very good,
but I'm not taking questions at this time,
so there is no good news,
due to the size of the seizure
and the Firearms, you'll be made an example of,
sentenced hard,
8 to 12 years minimum,
I mean they'll offer you a deal and if you cooperate
then they'll half your sentence,
so that's out in six maybe with
good behaviour, parole in four,
they'll play on it for the sake of the kids, but
what they won't tell you is, if you snitch,
we will hunt you down and kill you like a rat,
mind you, not before the lads have gone to town,
on your wife, who will be murdered afterwards
unless she kills herself,
with the shame of being seen to
by a group of fellas,
so...
when they're offering you that deal
for the sake of the kids, remember...
a long-distance dad is better than two dead parents.
Now, it's time for the good news,
the warm cuddly news
in return for you doing your time like a man,
we will give you two grand a month
plus an extra 2K for Christmas and holidays,
so now you know what you have to do don't you.
Excellent speaking to you um any questions?
here's my card my assistant will be dealing with your case
Don't worry he's one of the best,
I only work with the best.
So what do I say?
Don't stress about it, just say what Sadie said
and say you're filming. Here we go...
Dear Mus, I am so sorry that I cannot make
your beautiful.. Nice.
daughter's wedding as a man of Honour,
as I happen to be filming.
That's nice, short, sweet, to the point, wait add a kiss,
soften the blow. Good call.
Sent.
You tell them fucking Albanians they either,
pay up or face the consequences,
if they want to sell gear on our turf.
Yes Mus.
[Mobile phone rings]
Ah!
Message from Jack.
Oh he makes me go weak at the knees.
What's he say?
Dear Mus, I'm sorry I can't make your
beautiful daughter's wedding as man of honour,
as I happen to be filming, what's
What's up?
He called me a cunt!
What? Look!
[Speed reading] A man of honour, happen to be filming
C
I can't believe it, not only does he disrespect my daughter,
but he called me a cunt,
I'm going to fucking kill him.
[Bangs the table]
[Mobile phone rings]
It's Mus!
Well answer it.
Hello Mus.
Jack, it's Lotta.
Mus is going crazy, he wants your head on a plate,
Why did you call him the c word?
The what?
C, U, N, T, I don't like that word.
I didn't.
You did, I saw it with my own eyes.
Lotta, that was a mistake it was meant to be an X,
a kiss. For your own good Jack,
better ring him quick and explain.
Okay I'll do that right now thanks Lotta.
I fucked up.
Look Jack why don't you just fucking ring him yes,
so much easier.
No, let technology do the work
speech to text, how this,
Dear Mus, I am so sorry for the misunderstanding,
stupidly missed the kiss and hit the C next to it.
to make amends I will attend the wedding,
so I can smile, as I watch
you take your daughter, up the aisle.
Love it, fucking send it.
Message sent.
FUCK!!! What?
[Spits his tea]
Fucking read it back now!
[Shouting] MUS!
He's not picking up.
You better keep trying mate cuz
listen, if Dom finds out he's going to go ballistic.
It's not that bad Danny.
It's not that bad! You told him to give it to
his daughter, up her dirt pipe on her wedding day.
Fuck it! Not fuck it Jack,
war has been started for less than this,
You best keep on until he picks up, cuz if Dom
finds out it's going to go from bad to
worst quick sharpish.
It's ringing. Yeah.
Lotta, it's Lotta..
Speak to him speak to him, tell him to sort it out.
Lotta, about the taking up the ass message,
it was a genuine mistake,
predictive text, what do you mean seizure?
hospital? Is he still there?
Give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the phone.
Lotta, hello? yeah listen he didn't mean it,
look you got to sort this out for us,
before it gets out of hand,
Jack I'll do anything,
yeah anything!
tomorrow? all right, thank you.
Said she's going to sort it out
under one condition.
What's that?
[Music]
Oh here he is! you took your time,
have a good night Jack?
This stays between us Dan.
of course, I mean what's a bit of dick between friends, hey.
[laughs] A bit?
You both look really dashy.
Thanks it's me mum's birthday, Don's throwing a party.
Jack you sure you want to go this way, don't want
to try the back door?
Fuck off Danny. Only joking oi!
Fuck off Danny.
[Cheering, chatting and bottles clinking]
It'll be okay I managed to calm Mus down,
with a little bit of help from his daughter,
and a bit of medication, got him to understand
the predictive text problem,
[Laughing]
Do you like coke?
[Explosive laugh]
Look it's wrote do you like cock?
[Laughter]
I was planning on killing you do know that Jack?
and I can understand why Mus, I am so sorry,
Yeah now I just want to plant a big kiss on you,
Hey listen this Texting for you is really funny man,
Check this. Do you want to eat some peanuts?
Do you want to eat some penus! [Exploding laughter]
Listen listen boys, let's grab a drink and listen to
the game and let bygones be bygones.
[Football game on the television]
Come on, come on, come on,
come on Mus, what's going on?
are they winning or what?
Take a shot, take a shot.
[Cheering]
[Shupp, thud]
Oh fuck me!
What the fuck have you done Jack?
I I didn't mean to,
is he dead? He's got a fucking 4 foot
Harpoon hanging out of his chest,
I think he's fucking dead yeah.
I'm in so much trouble.
Just calm down, we need to work this out.
[Panicky] I fucking killed him Danny!
If they hear us, they'll fucking kill us mate.
Calm it down, we need to work this out now.
We need to work it out. Shh.
[Cheering and shouting]
What a game, what a game woo!
[Football crowd chanting]
Lotta, you go home, alright when they ask
you what happened, you just say Mus showed
us to a cab and then he said he wanted
some fresh air so he went for a walk around the block,
are you listening to me? Yeah.
He showed us to the cab he said he
wanted fresh air so he went for a walk around the block.
Okay. We stick to this story
or we're fucking dead alright.
Go on off you go.
Come on. Dan?
What? What are we going to do with him?
Don't worry I'll sort that out alright, get in the car.
Get in the car Jack, come on.
[Music]
Right, come on let's get him in the hole.
How do we do that?
We just put him in the fucking hole!
What roll him in? We can't roll him in,
we got to pick him up and
Chuck him in the hole. I'm not touching him again
he stinks. What do you mean he stinks?
Oh sorry I smell so bad mate I
ain't had time for a shower since you
fucking harpoon me, pick him up.
Oh for fucks sake!
[Grunting with the weight]
Alright on three
one...two...three.
[Thud then panting]
You're going to have to get in.
Why? It's not deep enough.
What you mean it's not deep enough? it's well deep.
The arpoon sticking out.
What do want me to do about that?
Just get in and sort it out jump in for fucks sake.
[Sighs] Right.
All you got to do grab the arpoon and jam it in him a bit more.
I'm not jamming it in, you jam it in!
For God's sake!
Hold that.
What's this? Don't touch that!
[Concrete sloshes out] [Shouting] Oh for fucks sake!
Oh I love it, oh thanks Don.
Fuck me!
It's creature from the black lagoon!
You're late. What you think this is , fancy dress?
[Laughter]
What the hell's happened to you Danny?
and where's your shoes?
Just got in a bit of a fight that's all,
just a little scrap.
What was it mud wrestling? [Laughter]
Look listen, we're uh we're pretty knackered and um we just wondered
if you if you mind if we just call it a night?
We do mind actually you come and
keep your mum happy, listen get some more
champagne in, then you two go and get
yourself cleaned up.
[Music]
[Panic gasp] Jack, Jack, listen listen listen, if we
stick to our story we're going to be alright.
I'm still in a daze it's as if I'm in a nightmare.
A nightmare you fucking caused, listen to me,
if you cave in, we're both fucking dead Jack,
they'll kill us mate right. I'll be okay.
Yeah you fucking better be, look you're an actor
alright, just act, you're good at it yeah, come on
you're going to be all right, we're late,
we better hurry up. Dad.
What?
I love you. Oh fuck off Jack come on
don't fuck this up.
So the last time Mus was seen, was with these two.
I've got no idea what he's going on about,
Don, listen last time I saw him
he showed us to the car and he
said he was going to go for a walk, you know wheel,
you know what I mean. Oi!
You're a fucking liar,
Lotta saw you get into a taxi.
A fucking cab then, I don't know we were drunk.
[Shouting] Where's my fucking brother?
[Shouting] We don't fucking know!
Calm it down the lot of you, Mem you come around here
making accusations,
You want to have it with them,
then you have it with us as well,
alright, now until you got proof fuck off out of here.
You won't hear the last of this.
We aren fucking done yet.
What the fuck were you doing there in the first place?
You said to let him down gently Sandie, so
we went around there to
have a face to face, you know out of respect.
So you telling me you had nothing to do with Mus
going on the missing list?
Of course not we wouldn't lie to you, swear it on me
mother's life! Then fuck 'em.
You wanted a word? Yeah we're all going to
keep our heads down,
so we find out which way Ginger nut swings all right!
So that means no dealing, no extortion, no nothing
Oh thats right is it? and am I'm going to earn?
I've got commitments.
Yeah well that's how it's going to be.
I've got some more good news for you as well,
the boss wants to see us, find out what the fuck's
going on around here.
The boss? Fuck that! Yeah you're coming as well.
Don, I love ya, but not a fucking chance.
[Music]
I wonder if fuck face is here? Who?
The butler, it could make things awkward for us,
he fucking hates me. Why?
Well last time I was here after the meeting,
it turned into a bit of a sesh.
right, heard some weird noises coming
from the drawing room.
Like what? Like naughty naughty someone speaking
all strange I thought it was a Punch and Judy show.
I love Punch and Judy, was it?
No it weren't it was the boss giving
him a severe portion right in the apple fritter,
with the biggest fucking dildo
you've ever seen in your life!
Yeah he must have an arsehole like a wind sock.
Anyway ever since then he ain't really liked me.
Been making things awkward getting in the boss's ear,
disrespecting me you know, so we got to watch him today.
Just stick to the fucking plan all right?
Do you remember what I said to you?
Stick to the plan. Stick to the plan.
Let's do this.
[Music]
You're late. Sorry we got a bit lost.
Well let's get inside the boss is waiting for us.
[Music]
Why did they want to see us all together?
I'm sure you'll find out.
[Music]
[Silence, then a clock chimes]
So what's the shit about the fucking Turks?
Look it's just a simple
misunderstanding, it's nothing for you to worry about.
I'm not worried Donald, but maybe you should be.
I promise you it's all under control.
I don't want a blood bath
like the 1960s, do I make myself clear?
Thank you Sam, but in this instance
I think tea would be rather boring.
Anybody fancy some chifu?
[Music]
Are you mad? What talking shite about me like that?
I don't know what you're talking about.
What d'ya mean you don't know what I'm talking about,
I'll end you right now. What are you going on about?
What have I done now then? You're going around telling...
[Voice over] Sam was spitting blood that Danny had been spreading
malicious rumors about the Punch and Judy
arsehole like a windsock incident.
Dan humbly apologised as he thought Sam would take his head off.
Instead Sam said let bygones be bygones,
and offered to get us a few drinks,
[Club music]
The next minute the boys are sitting back,
enjoying a nice cocktail of course,
what we didn't know was that Sam spiked them.
[Music]
Now don't get me wrong it all started out lovely,
the boss was happy, Don was delighted,
and all was good with the the world.
Sam even got on with decks, it was blinding,
we began a party, the drinks began to flow,
so did we, I mean literally.
Looking back we should have
clocked that things weren't right,
but then it's hard to get a proper perspective
when you're tripping off your tits.
I felt amazing I was so
in touch with my feminine side that I
wanted to make myself pregnant.
We were all off our nuts, at one point Marmite
was convinced Dan was made out of rubber,
we later found out the boss made Sam spike our drinks,
She wanted us to let our guard down,
and see if we let any information slip which to be fair, would
have been a good plan had any of us been
compos mentis, things went from the
sublime to the ridiculous,
apart from the daddy dancing a fair bit of gurning,
Gilbert and Marmite thought they were dogs and had to
be separated with a bucket of cold water.
Things soon became a living nightmare,
a lunatic asylum,
Dan convinced himself he was Beelzebub at the gates of hell,
after spewing up in Marmites hat,
Dan ran off, as you do,
[Screaming]
he later told us he was convinced
he was being attacked by bees.
But not just any old bees,
these fuckers were ninja bees!
and so the saga continued.
[Music]
Gilbert was certain he was an Eastern European werewolf,
Marmike transformed into a border terrier
and started chasing squirrels in the woods
[Howling]
and as for me I was oblivious to it all,
I was swimming the English fucking Channel.
It must be lovely having a granddaughter,
what's her name? Eclipse.
What a pretty name, little cutie ain't ya.
I've got to say I honestly think she's the most
beautiful baby I've ever seen.
You said four weeks Ray it's only been two.
Well my personal financial
circumstances have changed.
I I just haven't got it yet... please!
I like the hobs, murder to clean though ain't they.
Have you seen someone with third degree burns?
it's awful not just the pain, the scars,
it's terrible they don't look human.
Ray, I ain't got the money .
Oh well that's a shame in'it cuz I reckon you
got about 4 minutes before I start
cooking your beautiful granddaughter.
RAY, STOP, I'll get a money right now
just stop, it's in the bedroom, I'll get it.
No, they can get it. Right okay Babe
remember what we talked about,
go and get them, go and get it, alright.
Aggie go and take the baby in the bedroom,
You don't have to threaten me Ray,
I would have paid you the money.
That's the trouble, living a champagne lifestyle,
on lemonade money, you know
apparently your old man was a slag for pay out,
It's a shame when kids follow suit.
You don't threaten people's kids.
Ray!
Oh yeah, what are you going to do with that then?
[Gunshot and gasp]
You come to me and my husband, that's one thing you bastard,
but if you mess with my family, you pushed me too far.
[Two gunshots]
[Baby crying]
[Ominous music]
How much is that pal?
150 please mate.
[Door closes]
What's he doing here?
Wait here.
[Quiet conversation]
[Painful shout] NO!
How'd he die? Gun shot,
three wounds.
Jesus!
Look Don, it looks like an execution to us mate.
Have you got any idea, who could have done it?
No.
When can you release the body?
I can't say Sandie it's an ongoing investigation, I'm sorry.
You give us a moment? Yeah of course.
Who would do this Don?
It's the fucking Turks.
[Ominous music]
In Don's mind, the Turks had crossed the line,
when they killed Ray,
and things took a turn for the worst.
Don sent out his soldiers to do the Turks some damage,
the whole thing was like some sureal dream,
one minute I was Mr Selfie,
the next I was in the middle of a
fucking gang war.
That I started I had nowhere to turn, it's not like I'm a celebrity,
get me out of here, this is real life.
[Huge bang]
[Music]
It was kicking off everywhere, people were
getting hit all over London.
[Gun shots and shouting]
[Music]
This is fucked up, they killed Ray because of us man.
we started a fucking war.
What are we going to do?
We just got to stick to the story mate,
just stick to the story and
we'll be all right yeah. Yes Dan.
Come on...
...lads.
[Music]
How many your eyes we got on the street?
10 of my crew Don. I've got six at my best,
You two need to get to the safe house,
you both got targets on your back.
It's all over the Telly Dom.
Yeah, well we lay low for now right.
let the dust settle but I'm telling all of ya,
you keep your wits about ya, you stay on your guard right.
We all need to lock it off, we just got
to cover each other's backs.
Lets let them show their hand.
[Music]
Going somewhere Lotta? I want a word with you,
get in the fucking car.
[Music]
Is that it?
Yes that's it, I've told you everything,
it was an accident,
I promise...
please let me go now!
You want to go?
Yes Mem please let me go.
[Music]
Let her go.
[Music and stifled screams]
[Music]
This gets weirder by the minute,
we found these on top of the body,
message from the mafia sleeping with the gap joes.
I'm not being Funny, he looks like Moby Dick the geezer.
[Laugh]
Shouldn't laugh really guv.
So what we got then.
Oh amateurs DNA fingerprints all over the scene, we're running it now um,
the victim's name is a Mus River
one of the Turk Brothers, big family,
connected with an explosion in South London,
a couple of fatal shootings.
This looks like a war to me guv.
As long as they kill themselves I don't really give a toss,
can you see what the DNA turns up yeah.
So riffat. Riffat yeah okay
[Music]
Fancy a chip?
[Music]
Drive the fucking car.
[Music]
Dan.
Dan? [Louder] DAN. What?
I think it's them, I think they know we're here.
Oh shit no it's an icecream van.
Fucks sake mate.
God damn it, it's times like this
you just wish, a quick year to pass,
or pray for something lucky to happen, like
fall into a coma.
I'm going to fucking put you in one Jack if you don't calm down,
seriously mate you're doing me
fucking 'ead in, stop touching the curtains
the neighbours will think we're having a sesh.
Fucking phone's ringing.
Who's that? It's me Mum just shush.
Hello? Alright son, yeah look something's
come up can you go and get Jack and come to the yard,
it's pretty important so right away.
Yeah alright love ya.
They're on their way.
[Music]
[Lotta recorded] Please let me go now. You want to go
Yes man let her go.
[Recorded Lotta screaming]
So that was that, game was up, the
curtains come down and I was well and truly fucked.
it wasn't long before
Danny's Prints flagged up and the DNA on
his shoes placed him in the grave with Mus,
Danny was in deep shit,
even as an accessory he could be facing life.
Remember when I said if it all goes tits up,
you're on your own cast a drift at sea.
Shut up and let me tell you how this is going to play out.
You want to hear nice things, warm cuddly things
but I don't have time for that now,
Facts are, they have you bang to rights. Yeah but...
I don't have time for you to talk either,
just nod okay, nod when you understand,
Good one Fran, give me some. [Laughter]
It didn't take long for Don to find out
out who really killed Ray, word got out
Loose lips sink ships and all that.
Who wants a drink?
[Music]
[Bang]
[Music]
Fucking hell!
Danny wasn't going to take the fall for me.
So I had to own up,
Don made me do a confession tape saying it was me who did Mus in,
and in return they'd get me out of the country,
We can't thank you enough
for looking after Danny, be safe and look after yourself,
we'll be in touch once the dust settles.
Here you go son, don't worry everything's
going to be okay.
[Music]
Don and Sadie were true to their word,
they set me up with a new identity and
and a lift out to a fishing boat, to take
me across the channel.
[Music]
So all's well that ends well, but take a tip from me,
if you are texting someone
for fucks sake, don't miss the kiss!
[Music]
[Gunshot]
Cheers guys, cheers. I say this is to onward relationships.
Onward relationships.
We are ready for that shipment.... [Fading out]
[Music]