FENER, LIGHTS, LIGHTHOUSES
SHOWS DANGEROUS ROCKS, STRAITS, HARBORS, CAPES FROM MILES AWAY
DURING NIGHTTIME TO PREVENT DANGER.
IT WAS USED IN BATTLES WITH FIRE IN THE PAST.
Sit down. Your soup is getting cold.
Aren't you going to ask?
I already knew.
How?
You're not the only one with tricks.
They called me from the Association after your scholarship interview.
So, that was the reason for the secrecy that day.
That's the way things are in this country, Zehra.
Some people are at a disadvantage because they wear a hijab,
some because they don't, but generally it's because they are women.
I hope one day I'll be done learning about this country.
So I can just focus on living.
I couldn't find an alternative but to run. I hope you can find one.
I won't run away.
Answer it. Maybe it's something important.
What am I going to say? She's kind of messed up now, so…
So, she shouldn't have to deal with this too?
I don't know.
Aylin is the most special person in my life.
We grew up together.
We went through everything together. We shared everything.
I grew up with her glamorous stuff,
her big round eyes,
her arrogant ways…
and of course, with that stubbornness fused into her soul.
What happened?
How did you two end up like this?
Life.
If you ask, we'd both give different answers.
But nothing can change the past.
So, answer it.
Tell her.
She'll find out anyway.
Besides, this isn't your concern.
Relax.
Yes, Mommy?
Aleikum salam, Mommy.
I'm on the way. We're on the way.
We're coming by car, Mom.
With Nesrin.
ISTANBUL ENCYCLOPEDIA
She is doing death rabita.
She can't talk right now.
Mommy.
-How is Grandma? -Still in the ICU.
What did the doctors say?
That it would be clearer after today's tests.
Let's go to the hospital.
I just got back. The next visiting hours are this evening.
-Maybe if I talked to the doctors-- -Don't you have a bag?
We left in a hurry, so I couldn't bring it, Mom.
Okay then. Eat something if you're hungry.
If not, get some rest. We'll think about it later.
I'll get something for you.
-It's fine, Zehra. -No, I will. Get some rest.
Mommy.
What are you doing?
She drove me all the way here. You're acting like she doesn't exist.
Take this bedding. And here's a pillow.
-Doesn't she mean anything to you? -And there's a quilt in the living room.
EBRU ART
You didn't have to, dear Zehra.
It's nothing.
You drove all night. You should get some rest.
It will be like this until I get my license.
Not everything works out like it does in our dreams.
Also, I'm the host here.
Thanks.
What are you going to do today?
I have a lot of loose ends to tie up in this city.
Welcome back to your hometown as well.
May God heal her.
Thanks.
Hopefully, she gets well.
She will.
How is Istanbul?
How is it different from here?
If you sit in a café in Istanbul, you wouldn't know anyone.
And nobody knows you.
Still, you don't feel like a stranger.
Here, you know everyone.
And everyone knows you.
But you're still a stranger, and all alone.
Why are you laughing?
You forgot about me and just left.
I passed the exam and went to university, Ömer.
So, you couldn't even say goodbye?
I couldn't.
I'm here to say goodbye now.
Let's end this unfinished thing.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
You changed your number.
Closed your social media. I couldn't reach you.
I had to.
-Why? -Why are you asking?
-I just wondered if you were happy. -I am.
I'm very happy.
Did you close your socials because you took off your hijab?
Who told you that?
-Don't worry, your mom-- -Who told you that?
I heard it somehow.
Fine.
So you heard.
How can one be happy like that, Zehra?
Like this.
Not being able to share a photo of a nice moment,
always running, always hiding?
Yes, exactly like that.
Constantly being in between?
They say, "The one in between is human."
Maybe I'm trying to be a human.
It's not that. It's running away from your identity.
Who lives life with just one identity?
Who shows their true self, or settles for who they are?
-I don't care what anyone thinks. -You're even smoking in secret.
That's irrelevant.
Why was this pack hidden in my house?
-I buy, you hide, Zehra. -Yes, you buy, I hide.
Because you didn't have the balls to take this fucking pack to home, Ömer.
So, I was the one taking the risk.
Okay, I couldn't admit I was smoking then. I can now. That's over.
-How about you? -Smoke one then, man.
Smoke.
Go ahead.
You don't have the guts to smoke, yet you're lecturing me about my hijab?
Of course you would.
I'm the one who is visible.
If you'd gone to Istanbul, you wouldn't have closed your socials.
Because there is nothing you represent with your body.
You think nobody can say anything to you because you're a man, but…
I know you inside out.
Didn't you say you loved me until recently?
Yes, I did.
But I had to end it with you to grow up. Do you get it?
-Grow up? -Grow up.
Because I went to Istanbul, but you stayed in Amasya.
Because you're as small as Amasya.
In fact, you are the sum of Amasya.
You can't even smoke.
Go on, smoke. Smoke.
Smoke and I'll put your photo on all social media.
Smoke.
Smoke it if you're a man.
Come on in.
Aylin.
Aylin, look at me.
Why did you come?
I wanted to see you.
While my mom is dying?
She's also my Aunt Ayşe.
Did it occur to you after 20 years?
I'm here now.
Is it this easy to confront me as if nothing happened?
I'm going abroad.
I'm not coming back.
You think about your past more
when you're about to leave somewhere.
And I thought of you.
I realized that I haven't had a feeling
that's so sincere,
so innocent for anyone else.
And then…
Zehra showed up.
And here I am.
I just wanted to see you.
Nesrin.
I see that you ruined your life.
I won't let you ruin mine too.
How do you find the confidence to show up after all those years?
Even the image of you has faded.
What are you doing here? Just go.
I'm happy. I don't want to talk.
Are you really happy?
Whether I'm happy or not, what difference does it make?
Since when did you start acting based on the emotions of others?
When did you stop saying, "me, me, me"?
See?
You also have stuff piled up inside.
Come on, let's talk. Let's confront them. Or whatever you call it.
-I have nothing to say to you. -Aylin! Look at me!
Look at my face! Talk to me. Say what you have to say.
Don't be silent.
Spit on my face if you want, or hit me! But don't stay silent!
-Who do you think you are? -I am Nesrin! I am--
-You show up on a day like this! -Tell me!
-Look at my face and tell me! -What are you talking about?
-Why? -Because of you!
Because you are the most selfish person I have ever seen!
And you are the most stubborn person I have ever seen!
Is this it? Is this your problem? My faith?
No, it's not your faith!
But it's you changing your whole life out of spite.
You are so sure of yourself.
Your name is Aylin!
Can you show me another person in this world named Aylin who's in hijab?
Why did your mom name you Aylin? Why did I use to call out "Aylin!"?
Suddenly, you became religious!
Suddenly, you married Hamdi,
a man you wouldn't have even looked at in school!
-Don't speak ill of the deceased. -You suddenly started wearing hijab.
How can a person change so suddenly and hastily?
You don't have the right to ask me that.
Those able to see beauty can still see it.
Unless they don't have a veil over their eyes.
You used to write poems and stories.
I used to call you the woman who melts and bends words.
I still am. Don't you worry.
What did I do to you?
What did you do?
What did I do?
Didn't you leave me in this city we swore we would escape together?
I went to university, Aylin.
Was I not supposed to go?
-And you? Why didn't you come? -I did!
-I came to visit you as soon as you left! -Just once! And you never came back!
Yes. Because you changed!
What do you mean? What do you mean by "You changed"?
I saw it with my own eyes.
You changed.
Istanbul changed you instantly.
You didn't even come to greet me.
And when we finally met, you said you had something to do and left!
Then the letters started coming less and less.
They became careless.
I became one of those people that you brushed off.
Is all this nonsense because you came during my exam week
and I couldn't be with you?
-This 20 years of nonsense. -No, you betrayed our dream!
Our dream was to go to Istanbul, and you didn't come.
No! Our dream was to go together! Your dream was to go to Istanbul!
I was never a part of that dream!
You left me behind like Amasya.
No, you took the easy way out. Aylin, you took the easy way out.
You could have come. You could have come one year later.
You could've studied one more year. But you were too stubborn.
You got married, started wearing hijab, and had a child.
You didn't even go to university.
Yes, I did all that because that was so easy.
Aylin, you gave me the news just three days before the wedding.
I came here even though I was shocked. But you didn't even look at my face then.
You humiliated me in front of everybody.
Then I heard you're wearing a hijab. Did you receive a revelation?
Why did you do this to yourself? Please, tell me why you did this!
Don't you dare dig up the past now.
Come on.
Let's dig it up, please.
Let's dig it up.
-Let's do it. -Let's do it.
Let's do it. You know what happened?
-What did you do? -What did I do?
First, you ran away from Amasya.
And now, you're running away from Istanbul.
You have been running for years.
What have you achieved in all those years?
Nothing.
Because you were never brave.
You could never stand your ground, look pain in the eye and say,
"What am I running from?"
You think I'm foul like still water.
You think I chose an ordinary life.
But I chose to stay in the eye of the storm, Nesrin.
You should've fought.
You should've come too.
Is staying here the brave thing?
Yes.
Because I can exist in a small city with all my loneliness.
But you…
In courses, clubs, alleys, streets and empty crowds,
you make airbags for yourself.
But you won't be able to escape from life's blow.
There is only one thing I want from you.
Just like you did before,
leave again.
Leave me alone with the loneliness I'm used to.
Because I've found Allah here.
What've you found over all those years?
What are you still looking for?
When I came back,
I realized that I want to leave this city, just like you did years ago.
But it's like…
this place makes you feel in your bones that you can't run away.
I used to think I'd be happy if I ran.
But that didn't happen.
What would you want?
To never have this poisonous idea.
And to stay here the way I was years ago.
But that's impossible.
My condolences.
-My condolences. -My condolences.
-Thank you. -May God rest her soul.
May she rest in Heaven. May Allah rest her soul.
My condolences, Zehra.
Thank you.
I apologize.
I think it was hard for me to be away from you.
I was talking nonsense.
No.
You were right.
I'm glad you reminded me.
May Allah rest her soul.
I…
I have to leave tomorrow.
Come with me.
Where?
To Istanbul.
Come, let's go together.
It would clear your mind.
No.
-Why? -I'm fine here.
You can always come back here.
I swore I'd never set foot in Istanbul again.
I would have come with Zehra if I wanted.
I don't know, Aylin.
You went through tough times.
You still do.
Your husband died.
Your mom died.
And Zehra isn't here anymore.
Then you stay here, Nesrin.
Would you stay if I ask you to?
You can't.
That's life.
You think your life is everything that's missing.
We had a beautiful friendship.
But that innocent feeling has hardened.
Its memory has faded.
All that's left is to recall it now and then.
I'm fine here by myself.
Sometimes a thought pops into my head.
I find myself arguing with you for hours.
Maybe I missed years along the way.
I missed my conversations with my mom.
Even though I knew all this, I couldn't give up.
I'm sorry.
For not leaving this city with you.
I'm sorry.
Your Aunt Nesrin needs to leave. Help me see her off.
I'm going to Istanbul with Nesrin.
"It's said that it was used in battles with fire in the old days."
It's true. It was used.
My self was used in wars and in defense.
I was the commander, the private, and the battle itself.
I shot, got shot, and gave the order.
Yet I'm a magical gift to myself that must be accepted.
But why did I fight, and with whom?
To disassociate from myself? To injure myself?
To run to others to say, "I exist!" Why did I come here?
I found new gods, my God.
God of Deadlines. God of Scholarship.
God of Approval. And God of Unconditional Love.
I worshiped them without seeing.
But I never had faith.
I kept poking my eyes with needles made out of anticipation.
I learned to worship without faith.
What defense can give myself to me now?
My anger is extinguished. My lesser gods, I forgive you all.
It's okay.
Okay. I'm gonna stop now. It's okay, dear. It's okay.
Stop.
Zehra.
I'm a disgusting person!
I don't know what I want! I don't know who I am!
I have no identity! I'm not even a person! I have no personality!
My grandma died, and I didn't even feel sad!
I couldn't be there for Mom!
I'm a disgusting person!
I'm disgusting. Don't look at me!
I came not to fight, to prove, to fear, or to run.
I came only on a bright quest for discovery and testimony.
Subtitle translation by: M Levent Yılmazoğlu