FENER, LIGHTS, LIGHTHOUSES
SHOWS DANGEROUS ROCKS, STRAITS, HARBORS, CAPES FROM MILES AWAY
DURING NIGHTTIME TO PREVENT DANGERS.
IT WAS USED IN BATTLES WITH FIRE IN THE PAST.
[introspective music playing]
[sighs]
Sit down now. Your soup won't stay warm.
Gonna ask me about it?
I already knew, Zehra.
You did?
Well, I'm not without tricks, you know?
After your interview, the scholarship association called me up.
I suppose that explains the mystery that day.
[Nesrin] That's the way things are in this country.
There are women who suffer just because they're hijabi,
and there are also women who suffer because they're not.
It's the fate of all the women who live here.
I hope that one day I'll be done learning about my country.
So I can try just being a human.
I never found an option that wasn't running away.
I hope you're able to do it.
No running for me.
[phone vibrating]
Answer it.
It could be something important, Zehra.
What am I supposed to say to her?
I mean, she's kind of messed up right now.
And you don't want to burden her even more. Is that it?
Not really.
Aylin was the best friend I ever had, Zehra.
She was my person.
We experienced it all together. We talked about everything.
I grew up, around her glamorous things.
Admiring her big round eyes.
Her stuck-up and smug attitude, and…
always navigating her unique, endearing stubbornness.
What happened?
What made you like this?
It's life.
If asked, I'm sure we'd both have
completely different recollections about things.
But nobody can go back in time and change the past.
[phone continues vibrating]
So, you should answer it.
Tell her.
She'll find out anyway.
Our relationship's not your concern.
-Relax. -[exhales]
[phone continues vibrating]
How are you doing, Mom?
Aleikum salam, Mom. I'm on my way.
I'm coming. We… we are.
Yeah, I'm being driven to you.
Nesrin is.
[spirited music playing]
ISTANBUL ENCYCLOPEDIA
["Büklüm Büklüm" by Tülay Özer playing]
[nostalgic music playing]
She's doing rabita.
She can't talk now.
Mommy.
-How's Grandma? -Still in intensive care.
What did the doctors say?
Basically, they'll know after some more tests this morning.
Let's go to the hospital and see her.
I just got back. Their next visiting hours are later tonight.
-I could sit down with her medical t-- -Didn't you bring your bag with you?
[Zehra] Uh…
We made our way here so quickly. I didn't have time to grab it.
Okay. You should get something to eat.
Or try to rest a little. We'll make it work.
I'll get something for you.
-No, Zehra, I'm fine. -No, I'll do it. Please rest.
Mommy.
What are you doing?
She drove me all the way here. Now you're acting like she doesn't exist.
Take this bedding. Here's a pillow, too.
Does she mean nothing to you?
Take the living room quilt as well, if you need it.
EBRU ART
You really didn't have to, dear Zehra.
Yes, I did.
You drove the whole night. Get some sleep, I'm sure you need it.
It'll be like this until I get my license.
Things don't always wind up how we dream them.
Also, I'm the host here.
Thank you.
What are you going to do today?
I've got lots of loose ends to tie up in this city.
[gentle music playing]
[Zehra] And welcome back home, Nesrin.
Allah watch over her.
Thank you.
I hope she gets well.
She's going to.
How is Istanbul?
How is it different from here?
[Zehra] If you sit in a café in Istanbul, you don't know anyone.
And no one knows you.
But you don't feel like a stranger.
In Amasya, you know everyone.
And everyone knows you.
But you're still a stranger. Completely alone.
[scoffs]
Why'd you laugh?
You forgot about us. You went away and just left me here.
[Zehra sighs]
No, I took the exam and I went to college, Ömer.
-Without even saying goodbye to me? -I am right now.
I couldn't back then.
Let's put an end to our unfinished business.
-Just like that? -Oh yeah.
You changed your number, Zehra.
You closed your social media and you disappeared.
Well, I had to.
-What does that mean? -What do you care?
-I just wondered if you were happy. -I am.
The happiest.
Are your accounts closed because you don't wear a hijab there?
Who told you that?
-Don't worry, your mom doesn't-- -Just tell me who said it.
I just heard it somehow.
Fine.
You heard somewhere.
How can you be happy living your life like that?
Like that.
You can't even share photos of happy experiences from there.
You're always hiding and covering up who you really are.
I'm happy just like that.
You're stuck in two different worlds.
[exhaling] Humans can get stuck in the middle of many worlds.
So maybe I'm just a human.
You're not stuck, though. You're running from your identity.
Do you think people move through life with one identity?
Huh?
Nobody shows who they truly are, or settles for who they are.
I don't let the opinions of others bother me.
You won't even smoke a cigarette in front of anyone.
How is this about smoking?
Explain why this pack was at my house, will you?
I would buy them and you hid them, Zehra.
That's right, you'd buy all the packs and have me hide them
because you didn't have balls.
You were scared shitless.
That's why the risk was on me.
So I might not have admitted it back then, but I can admit that I smoke now.
How about you?
Go on and smoke, then.
Take it.
Go ahead.
You're too scared to smoke a cigarette, but lecture me about wearing a hijab.
Why don't you?
I'd expect no less,
because your crime's invisible.
If you went to Istanbul, you'd be able to keep your socials open, no issue.
Because your body isn't expected to represent anything.
Because you're a man, you think you can't be held accountable, except…
Except that I know you, Ömer.
Didn't you use to tell me that you'd always love me?
I did, that's true.
But growing up meant it became necessary to cut you out.
-Growing up? -Growing up.
I went to Istanbul, you picked Amasya.
You are Amasya, it's true.
You are as small as this city.
I mean, you can't even smoke.
Smoke. Take it.
Just smoke and I'll put it on social media for you.
Go ahead.
A real man would take it.
[footsteps approaching]
[Nesrin] Come on in.
Aylin.
Aylin, please, come on.
Why're you here?
I… wanted to see you.
While my mother's dying?
[Nesrin] She's also my Aunt Ayşe.
It's taken you this many years to realize it?
I made it back now.
So it's that easy to show up and brush past everything that happened?
I'm leaving Türkiye soon.
I'm not coming back.
I guess, you think of the past…
all the more when you're leaving it behind.
You're who I thought of.
I realized that I haven't had a feeling more…innocent, more sincere,
for any person in my life, before you or after.
And then…
there was Zehra.
And so I'm back in Amasya.
I just wanted to see you.
Nesrin.
It's obvious to me that your life hasn't worked out as planned.
I won't allow you to ruin mine, too.
What gave you the confidence to come after all these years, Nesrin?
Did your dreams leave you behind?
What are you doing here? Just go.
I'm happy, I don't want to talk.
Are you actually happy?
Whether I'm happy or not, what difference is there?
Since when are you someone who considers other people's feelings? Huh?
Always "me, me, and me." It's you above all else.
I suspected there are still many things burning you up from inside.
Let's talk, talk about it, drag it up, or whatever it's called.
-There's absolutely nothing to be said. -Aylin. Aylin, look at me.
Look at my face! Talk to me.
Say what you need to say. Don't shut me out.
You can spit in my face, you can hit me if you want,
but don't be silent.
-Who are you to tell me that? -I'm Nesrin!
-You turn up when I'm in mourning-- -Tell me everything, Aylin.
Just tell me what it is! -What are you even talking about?
-Say it! -All of this was your fault!
Of course it was!
You are the most self-serving person on this earth.
And you are stubborn beyond any and all reason!
All because of this?
Does what I'm wearing upset you?
-Is it my faith? -No, it's not your faith!
I'm upset you changed your entire life out of nothing but spite!
You are incredibly sure of yourself, aren't you?
Your name is Aylin!
Do you know another person on this Earth called Aylin who is covering up? Huh?
Why did your mom name you Aylin?
Why was "Aylin" what I used to call?
You turned religious in one second!
You married that guy, Hamdi, some boy you and I never spoke about!
A boy you never looked at!
Don't speak that way about those who've passed.
You suddenly started covering your head.
My God! How? How can someone change like that so quickly?
I am not going to be scolded by you.
Anyway, to those who seek beauty, beauty is everywhere.
Unless one's eyes are draped over.
You used to love writing. You wrote stories and… and poetry.
"The woman who bends words," the name that I gave to you.
That's still who I am. Don't be dramatic.
-What did I do to you? -[exhales]
What did I do to you?
You want me to explain?
Tell me, please.
Didn't you abandon me in this city after swearing to me we'd both escape it?
I went to college, Aylin.
Should I have stayed? Missed my opportunity?
-And why, why didn't you come too? -I did come!
-I did the trip as soon as I was able! -Just the first time, then never again!
That's right. Because you had changed!
What is that supposed to mean, "changed"? What does that even mean?
I saw the way things were.
You had changed.
Istanbul grabbed you and changed you.
-[Nesrin cries] -You didn't even come and meet me.
I'd barely arrived, and you said you had things to do and left!
Then over time, the letters became less and less.
Your writing got sloppy, careless.
Because I turned into just another old friend to break away from.
Is all this just because I couldn't spend time with you during my exams?
-Twenty years of this nonsense! -Our special dream, you betrayed it!
Our dream was Istanbul, but you didn't come with me, Aylin!
No! My dream was for both of us to be there. Together!
Your dream was Istanbul.
Me coming wasn't a part of your dream.
You left me and Amasya behind.
No, you chose the easy route. Aylin, your way was easy.
You could have come, you could have. Just one more year.
But you were too stubborn to make it another year.
Then, all of a sudden, you got married. You wore a hijab, had a kid.
You didn't even go to university!
[sarcastic] And I took that path because it was so, so easy for me.
You didn't say you were getting married until three days before the wedding.
I got up and traveled here despite how shocked I was.
Except you wouldn't even look at me in the face.
You humiliated me in front of everybody.
And the hijab! What, did you receive a divine revelation or something?
Just tell me why, Aylin. Why did you do this? Tell me, please.
Don't come here demanding to dredge up the past like you have a right to.
Come on. Please.
Let's dig it up.
[cries]
Dredge it up.
[sniffles]
-Let's do it. -Let's do it.
Let's do it. You know what happened?
-What you did? -No, tell me.
First, you fled from Amasya, and now,
it's from Istanbul you're running.
For years now, you've run.
And how much did you achieve? Huh?
Nothing.
Because you could never be brave.
You couldn't hold yourself accountable, to stare down the pain.
Just be with it, and for once stop running, to ask, "From what?"
You think I've turned stale and foul like still water.
You think my choice was a boring, safe life.
[sniffles]
But my decision to stay kept me in the storm's eye.
You should've tried harder.
You didn't need to stay.
Was staying the brave thing?
It was.
Yes, because I am existing in a small, nothing place, with my loneliness.
But you,
with your courses and clubs, the alleys and streets and empty crowds…
[cries] You cushion yourself.
Except nothing can defend against the pain of existing.
I'm only asking one more thing of you.
Like you did once before.
-Just go. -[sobs]
Leave me to just wallow in all of the monotony.
In this place, Allah is with me.
In so many years, what have you found?
What are you still looking for?
[somber music playing]
[Zehra] When I came back,
I had the realization that I just want to leave this city behind,
like you did all those years ago.
But it seems like,
something here tells you deep in your bones that's impossible.
I used to believe that I'd be happier once I escaped here.
But that didn't happen for me.
What's your dream then?
Zehra, I'd take back feeling like something in life was missing.
I wish I could have just stayed, remained here, as I had been.
But that's impossible, so…
[dramatic music playing]
[crying]
[Zehra praying in Arabic]
[prayer continues]
[woman 1] My condolences.
-[woman 2] My condolences. -[woman 3] My condolences.
[indistinct chatter in Arabic]
[man in Arabic] May she rest in Heaven. May Allah rest her soul.
[in English] I'm sorry for your loss.
Thanks.
And I'm sorry.
It was hard to be apart from you, so I…
I said more than I should.
No, you…
got it right.
It's good you said it.
May she rest in peace.
[Aylin sobbing]
[crying]
I…
need to leave tomorrow, Aylin.
Come with me.
Where?
To Istanbul.
Really. Come with me to Istanbul.
It might help clear your thoughts up.
No, thanks.
-Why? -I'm good here.
You can come back whenever you like.
I promised myself I wouldn't go back to Istanbul.
If I ever went back, I'd go with Zehra.
I don't know, Aylin.
You've survived difficult things.
You still do.
You're a widow.
Your mother has died.
Zehra isn't a reason to keep you here any longer.
Then stay here, Nesrin.
Would you, if I were to beg you?
It's not an option.
That's the way life is.
Us humans think what's lost is everything.
We had a beautiful friendship.
But those pure feelings are calloused, aren't they?
Their memory has faded.
Remembering the good times we had is all we can do.
I'm content by myself, I am.
On occasion, some thought will crawl into my head.
I'll imagine myself arguing with you for hours.
I'm sure I spent years of my life doing that.
I know it cost me precious time with Mom.
But despite being aware of that, I couldn't stop it.
I'm so sorry.
For not leaving this city with you like we planned.
So sorry.
It's time for your Aunt Nesrin to leave, Zehra.
Let's say goodbye to her now.
I decided I'm also going to Istanbul.
[dramatic music playing]
[Zehra] "It is said it was used in armed combat in ancient times."
It's true. It was used.
My soul was used in wars and in defenses.
I was the commander, I was the private. I was the battle itself.
I shot, was shot, and gave the orders.
But I'm a magical gift to myself that I must accept.
So why did I fight and with whom?
To dissociate from myself? To injure myself?
Just to run to someone and say, "I exist, man!" Why did I come here?
I found new gods, my God.
The god of Deadlines. The god of Scholarship.
The god of Approval and the god of the Delusion of Unconditional Love.
I worshiped them without seeing.
But I never had faith.
I kept poking my eyes with needles made out of anticipation.
I learned to worship without faith.
What defense can return me to myself?
My anger evaporated. My lesser gods, I forgive you all.
[nostalgic music playing]
[sobbing]
Okay, honey, okay, I'm pulling over. I'm stopping. I'm stopping.
[sobbing]
[wailing]
[Nesrin] Zehra, love.
Talk to me.
I'm a disgusting person! I'm--
I can't decide what I want. I don't know who I'm supposed to be.
I've no identity, I'm not even a person! I don't have a personality!
My grandma died, and I didn't even feel sad!
I couldn't stay at my mother's side! [sobbing]
I'm a disgusting person!
Don't look at me, I'm disgusting!
[sobbing]
[nostalgic music intensifies]
[Zehra] I came not to battle, to prove, to fear or to run.
With bright light leading the way, I came only to discover.
[closing theme music playing]