[calm music]
[Nell] "Give me my Romeo, and when he shall die,
take him and cut him out into little stars,
and he'll make the face of heaven so fine.
-That all the world will be in love with the night..." ["Shake Ya Ass" by Mystikal]
"...and... [clears throat]
-will make the face of heaven so fine..." [Woody wooing]
-"...that all the world will be in love..." Ugh! ♫ ...watch yourself ♫
♫ Shake ya ass show me what... ♫
"That all he world will be in love with the night."
[grunts] -"Pay no worship to the garish sun..."
[Woody singing] ♫ I came here with my dick in my hand ♫
[bangs book on table] Excuse me!
♫ Be cool and don't worry... ♫
[knocking] Excuse me. ♫ ...bout how I'm ripping When flippin'... ♫
♫ I'm kickin' nigga that's just what I do ♫
[knocking on window] Excuse me. [grunts] [Woody] What?
♫ ...than a full grown German Shepherd ♫
-Woody, will you turn that down? -Sorry, I can't hear you.
Turn the noise down.
[sighs] I'm sorry, did you say something?
I'm trying to study,
but it's impossible with that racket going on.
It's not racket, that's Mystikal.
Whatever it is, will you please switch it off?
-What's it worth? -Uh, the gratitude of a music lover?
Mm. All right,
-I turn it off. -Thank you.
-If you flash me. -What?
You show me the girls, I'll lower the bells.
You are pig slime.
[laughs] Anyway, I've seen them before.
What? You have not!
[screams, gasps]
[laughs]
[gasps]
Have now.
[laughs]
[whimsical music]
[cat mews] [Nell gasps]
good morning, Mr. Fluffy.
[Della] Woody, are you up yet? [Woody] Oh, yeah.
Mm.
-Morning, Daddy. -I have some mail for you, princess.
It's from Yale.
[Katherine] Oh, my.
[gaps] I have an interview next week.
I applied for early action for you, honey.
My precious little girl, going to Yale.
Well, I have to get through the interview first, mother.
-You won't let us down, never have. -Never has.
-Mm. -Isn't it exciting, Ted?
-It's very exciting, Katherine. -Are you excited, Nell?
-I am. -She is.
I'm so excited I could burst, I could Yale it from the rooftops.
[giggles]
Thank you, mother.
[sizzling] -Shit.
-Everything okay back there, Della? -No problem, honey.
-Just searing off a couple of fingerprints. -Carry on, my good woman.
["You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive on the radio]
-Big game's coming up soon, huh, son? -Yep.
Coach says all the big college scouts gonna be at the game.
-Yeah, I know. -Specialty of the House.
I call it "Eggs, what the fuck."
So much of fine cuisine is down to presentation,
-don't you think, son? -Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Wouldn't that be something? [scoffs]
You'll be the first member of my family to go to college.
[Della] He'll be the first member of your family
to go to freaking school.
[laughs] That's true.
But son, if thing's don't work out,
there'll always be a job for you with Stan the Man,
at Spatula World.
[gentle music]
[sighs] To me, the greatest living American
should have individual accomplishments
but also have a lasting influence on America and with the world.
-And that is why after careful consideration my candidate... [girl] Hey, Nell.
[Nell] Ugh... [students chattering]
[boy] Come on, Nell. [all laughing]
[honks] -Yo... [imitates neigh]
-what's up boy? -Hi, Horse.
[Horse imitates neigh]
[Woody] Oh, nice grab, Horse.
-How's it hanging? -To the floor, my friend.
Now, what's say we shift this baby into warp drive, huh?
I want you to feel the wind blowing through the hair in your fine, muscular ass.
[groans] -Oh, hit it please.
["Without Me" by Eminem]
Oh.
Okay.
[car revving]
♫ Now this looks like a job for me ♫
♫ So everybody, just follow me ♫
♫ 'Cause we need a little controversy ♫ [Woody] Whoo!
♫ 'Cause it feels so empty without me ♫ [laughs]
♫ I said this looks like a job for me ♫
♫ So everybody, just follow me ♫
♫ 'Cause we need a little controversy ♫
♫ 'Cause it feels so empty without me ♫ -Well, looky here.
Is that not a pencil-necked virgin girl I see before me?
I do believe it is.
She's standing dangerously close to a vast pool of water.
For a smart girl, that ain't so smart.
-Uh-uh. [laughs]
[car revving] [Woody wooing]
[car honks]
[Woody] Whoa!
[Woody laughs] [Nell gasps]
[laughing]
[Woody wooing] [car honks]
[whimsical music]
[school bus honks]
[girl] I'm definitely... [whirring]
[students chattering]
[chuckles] Thank you.
[girl] It doesn't look looks like she brushed. Hey, guys?
[Nell] Okay, just keep walking.
No one will notice.
[snickers] Who wants cotton candy?
[laughs]
Hey, Nell, I love what you've done with your hair.
Thanks, Glixen.
[upbeat music]
[Horse] Three, two, one.
[bike honks] [biker] Hey, watch it.
-Asshole. [laughs]
-Harry, Harry. -What's up, baby?
Whoa. Whoa, people around.
[whimsical music]
[laughs] Nice look. Hmm.
Ah, it's special needs boy
and his muse, the lovely Chlamydia.
My name's Breanna, you geek.
[scoffs] -By the way, sorry about this morning. That puddle just...
[blows raspberries] showed right up in front of us. -Oh, that's okay.
Please don't apologize, I understand.
-Oh. -Oh.
But chew on this.
While archetypal outsiders such as myself,
rarely fit comfortably into high school environments,
this... is as good as your life will get.
The big football star and his vacuous cheerleader girlfriend--
Head cheerleader.
[scoffs] Because, let's face it.
The old grey matter ain't exactly top range.
Now, is it, Woodster?
So you end up with a job
in Spatula World with your dad
and probably marry Breanna here.
But soon you start drinking to numb this aching feeling
you have inside, and you fast forward a few years
and you're a drunk, fat, press guy at a bar
talking about the good old days.
While your little wife
whose looks and stuff have gone to doo-doo,
is prepping up her own self esteem
by indulging in squalid sexual encounters with your friends behind your back.
[school bell rings] -What friends?
I'm guessing most of them.
[locker closes] -Have a good day.
[teacher] Class, please turn to page 488.
Paragraph demarked "Early history" which reads,
"Combined with the study of mankind in all its aspects,
especially human culture, we are therefore examining that society
through the exploration of classical structure."
Now, do not forget to make full use of your abstract database.
And class, please make sure to reference
-all the source material... [man moans] Oh, baby.
-...they have to include the internet. [gasps]
[teacher] Okay? [man moaning] Oh, yeah!
[moaning from website]
[man] All it baby. [woman] ...put it in his mouth...
Oh, uh, Miss Bidermeyer...
-I can explain. [Bidermeyer] That's okay now,
but you might want to omit that page from your reference list.
[sighs] [Bidermeyer] Now, Mr. Zbornak
-will be taking your field trip this week. [laughs]
[school bus honks] -Are you...
[Breanna] I tried on the most amazing...
-It's quite a, um... -...dress for the dance.
Think Beyonce's wow-factor meets Gwen Stefani's off-kilter individuality
with just a sprinkling of designer-slut Aguilera.
The whole thing's very Madonna,
-before she got old, naturally. -Yes, it sounds hot.
[man] Mr. Glixen. -Now, I think Armani would be good for you.
Stylish yet understated, so you look good
but you don't distract attention from me.
Mr. Deane, if it's not too much trouble?
Okay, just a minute. Bye.
-Mm! -Mm, mm!
Now, take a look at this odd looking fella, hmm?
Tezcatlipoca...
...the ancient Aztec God of sorcery.
Associated with the notion of destiny.
Now, Tez here has got an interesting resume.
He was the God of night, Lord of the Smoking Mirror.
-A shape shifter. [students laughing]
A powerful SOB.
Mr. Deane, do you think I might have your attention?
Or, or does Mr. Horson have something particularly interesting to say?
I'm betting on
unlikely.
Okay, time is short, people. Uh, I want you to pair off
and take in the rest yourselves.
Remember, research,
-analyze and... [students] Describe.
Very nice.
[students chatter]
Mr. Deane and Mr. Horson, I don't think so.
Uh, Mr. Horson, you go with Mr. Glixen.
Mr. Deane, you go with Miss Bedworth.
[laughs]
Let's get your learn on.
[Nell sighs]
So, you check out any good porno sites lately?
I cannot believe I'm stuck with you.
Let's hope I don't breathe any retard germs.
-Well, let's hope I don't get any pencil-neck virgin disease. -Get stuffed.
-Whoa. -I hate you!
[whispers] That's because you secretly want to
-have sex with me. [scoffs] Ha!
When I do decide to surrender the flower of my womanhood,
I've always imagined it to be with someone of my own species.
There's is nobody else in your own species, except maybe Glixen.
You're such a moron. You really think the world evolves around rap music,
-football and hanging out with the right crowd? -You know, you make me sick.
You think you're so different to everyone else.
-Different from. -What?
You said, "Different to."
The correct phraseology is "Different from."
Thanks for that information.
Now, I can say, you're no different from any other geek
with books instead of friends. And know that you don't have to open your big,
fat mouth to correct me.
-Neanderthal. -Spaz.
-Toad. -Skank.
You know, I should pity you
but I can't. I hate you too much.
I'd rather cut off my legs with a rusty knife
than ever be anything like you!
-Ditto. -Ditto?
-Ditto. -Double ditto.
Double, double ditto times a thousand gazillion trillion.
[mysterious music]
[Woody singing] ♫ I like big butts I cannot lie ♫
♫ You other brothers can't deny ♫
♫ When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist ♫
♫ And a round thing in your face you get sprung ♫
♫ Oh, wanna pull out quick 'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed ♫
[Nell] ...and forever more shall find her destiny
to live alone no more.
[sighs] [cat mews]
[Woody singing] ♫ Oh baby, I wanna get with you ♫
♫ And take your picture ♫
♫ My homeboys tried to warn me ♫
♫ But that butt you got makes me so horny ♫
Good night, Mr. Fluffy.
[purring]
[ball thuds]
[tutting]
[ominous music]
[swooshing]
[alarm rings]
[Woody gasps]
[alarm rings] [Nell gasp]
[heavy breathing]
[gaps] [Woody, inner voice] Oh, God, my head.
Oh, I must be dreaming. Time to wake up.
What was that?
-Oh, tits. [gasps]
Oh, my God, I have tits. Two tits.
Oh, that is the regular number of tits but not for a guy.
What's going on here?
Oh, my God, my dick's gone.
My dick! I have a bush?
Two tits and a bush but no dick?
Oh, God, this must be a dream.
Very, very bad, I lost my dick, kinda dream.
Just stay calm. Oh, what am I saying?
What, what the hell is happening to me?
[screams]
[Nell, inner voice gasps]
[gasps] What is this?
[gaps]
[Woody, inner voice] Oh, this isn't my room.
[Nell, inner voice] This is just a dream. A big, bad dream.
[gaps]
[tapping on window] [Woody exclaims]
[both scream]
We need to talk.
[Woody, inner voice] Talk? She wants to talk?
Okay, let's talk about why I'm going through a drawer
full of underwear with the days of the freaking week on them.
Oh, God. [pants]
Okay, yippee.
Now my bush knows it's Wednesday.
[Nell gasps] Oh, gross.
[Della] Two minutes and I'll set your freakin' bed on fire.
[Woody, inner voice] God, it's tough enough getting these damn things off.
[grunts]
How the hell does anyone know how to get these frigging things on?
Ugh! [exhales]
Ladies, looks like you and me is going au naturel.
[Nell sighs] Go away.
Go away, go away, go away.
[Woody, inner voice] All right, coast is clear.
[Fluffy growls]
-Get, get, get, get off. [Fluffy mews]
[thud, crash]
[whimsical suspenseful music]
-Good morning. -Oh, oh.
-Nell, is everything okay? -Hmm, I just, uh, didn't see you there.
-Your oatmeal is on the table. -I'm in a hurry, gotta go.
Nonsense, now you sit down, and have some breakfast.
It's the most important meal of the day.
And oatmeal is wonderful
for promoting healthy and regular bowel movements.
[scoffs] That's cool, I already took a dump like the size of my own head.
Excuse me?
Oatmeal's good, mummy.
["Hush" by Deep Purple playing on the radio]
Is this meat?
Do you have oatmeal?
Are you shitting me?
[Stan chomps on his food]
Pork meat tastes good, eat up, son. Come on.
[footsteps approaching]
Jesus, pubic puke.
[sighs in false satisfaction]
Golly, you must have been hungry.
-You need a second helping. -No.
You wait there, young lady.
[blows raspberries]
[car honks]
[Horse imitates neigh]
[laughs] Let's go, pretty boy.
Let's go!
It will turn you into a big, strong girl.
[belches]
[muffled] Excuse me.
See you later.
-Nell? -Mm-hmm.
Aren't you forgetting something?
Holy crap, look at the size of that thing.
-What thing? What thing? -Gotta go Mom, see you later.
[footsteps scurrying away] -I--
Yo, hop in man, we got places to go,
people to see, women to impregnate. Let's go.
[whimsical music]
You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Really?
["Groupie" by Deep Varacouzo & Shaun Holly playing on radio]
[car revving]
[comical music]
Mm, that bitch stole my ride.
[exhales]
[dramatic music]
Oh, no.
[song continues]
[Horse laughs]
Aren't we going a little fast, Horse?
You bet your sweet ass we are. [woos, laughs]
[Nell, inner voice] I am going to die.
[car honks]
[whimsical music]
[Woody, inner voice] Oh, God, I'm getting on the bus.
I haven't been on the bus since 8th grade.
[girl] Nell! [boy] Hi, Nell. Let's go, Nell.
[Woody, inner voice] Oh, hey.
Hey, hey.
[indistinct shouting]
[comical music]
Come on!
Screw you assholes.
That's no way for a young lady to talk.
Sorry, I get a little bitchy when I'm on the rag, you know what I'm saying?
[bike rider] Whoa. [Horse] Oops.
-Sorry. [biker] Up yours.
Yeah, you too.
[girl] And this dress is just amazing on you.
[Nell] You.
What the hell have you done to me, witch lady?
Get your hands off me, you big bully.
God, you think I'm responsible for this?
Well, I certainly am not.
And you're the one who always knows everything.
That does not include this.
Whatever this is, this is...
...this is impossible. This cannot happen.
[breathes deeply] -This has happened, okay?
-You, you better figure out how to get my damn body back. -Trust me, there's nothing
I would like more. You think I relish waking up another day with the Simpsons?
-Leave my parents out of this, would you? -And what's up with your mother?
She never heard of volume control?
The yak farmers in Tibet are praying
-for her to keep the volume down. -I'm sorry.
And, and, and her language,
-my goodness! -At least my mother does
not have a mole on her face the size of the White House.
Whoa, so, she's got a problem with moles.
Besides, it's not a mole, it's a beauty spot.
Well, I can spot that beauty from Wisconsin.
Insensitive pig.
-No, no, no. -I don't want to be a boy, okay?
Especially, don't wanna be you.
No, no, no, don't cry, don't cry, not here.
Look, look, look, look,
maybe it's just one of those 24-hour things,
like a head cold.
-A head cold? -Yes.
Tomorrow we could be back to normal.
[Nell sniffles] -Just gotta get through the day.
Try not to attract any unnecessary attention.
[sniffling] Okay. -Okay.
[Nell, inner voice] Oh, gross, I have to touch it? Ew.
Hmm. I will never eat finger food from a buffet again
for as long as I live.
[Bidermeyer] Your homework was to prepare a speech
on the greatest living American.
So, Breanna?
Oh, I'm sorry Miss Bidermeyer, but I was excused
from homework due to cheerleading practice.
I see. And Nell?
-Nell? -What?
Your speech, please, on the greatest living American.
Okay.
Hi. I think... the greatest living American is...
...J-Lo.
-J-Lo? -You know, Jennifer Lopez?
Singer, movie star.
She had a bit of thing with Diddy and that dude from, uh, Pearl Harbor.
No, I, I, I know who J-Lo is now. I am just very
interested to hear what you perceive qualifies her
for such a unique accolade.
Right. Well, you see, the thing about J-Lo is that...
...she's from the streets.
And, now, she's like this big movie star
and, uh, she's still really cool.
She used to have a little, now she's got a lot.
But she's still "Jenny from the Block."
And I think that's pretty, damn great.
Oh, and she's American. And she's alive.
[Bidermeyer] I see. [sighs]
[school bell rings]
J-Lo? You said J-Lo?
Pretty good, huh? It just flew right into my head.
Well, at least there's plenty of space for it to land.
You made a complete fool out of me in there.
What is your problem? I happen to like J-Lo.
She's a hot booty.
You do not bestow an honor
such as "Greatest Living American"
-solely on the fact of a hot booty. -I didn't.
She also happens to have a terrific set of fun bags.
Woody Deane, you're an idiot and a philistine.
You know what?
I don't appreciate you calling me an idiot.
And I don't know what that other thing is but I sure as hell am not one of them either.
[sighs]
[whimsical music]
[boy] ...fighting about this, sit down.
Hey, Woody.
[Nell, inner voice] Oh, what a lovely sight.
Swill time at Getty Central.
[boy farts] [students] Oh, ahh.
[Nell, inner voice] Dear God, now I have to eat with these creatures?
Hey, Woody.
-Whoa. -My parents are going out tonight,
maybe you wanna come over to discuss what you wanna wear for the homecoming dance?
Ahh, I have things to do.
Okay. What I meant was, we'd be alone.
So, maybe I might do that thing where I...
[gasps]
[crashes]
You filthy little slut.
[gasps] You do that?
Last week he begged me to do that.
So, [clears throat] what is it, what, what do you do?
Get lost, you little spastic. Kee-- Go!
I cannot believe Woody turned down the chance to have sex with me tonight.
Am I in, like, bizarro world?
If I had Richard Wainwright sniffing around me,
I wouldn't be wasting my time on Woody.
It's not that simple, Tiffany.
Today, football captain, tomorrow, GQ Man of the Year.
Sport is celebrity. You need to plan these things.
Personally I'd be relived if Horse didn't wanna have sex.
Sometimes I think it's the only reason he's with me.
That is so not true Chanel. You have many fine qualities.
Really? Like what?
You have excellent taste in earrings.
And your hair doesn't do that frizz thing in the rain.
And you're friends with me. Case closed.
[slurps]
[Horse] Here we go.
Hey, hey, Woodster. Come on in, my man.
-How are you? -Cool as frozen shit cube, homie.
Yo, we've got an extra practice tonight,
all right, don't forget.
-Practice? -Yeah.
I'm in the mood to kick some serious ass.
[sighs] Oh, yeah, me too.
Uh, only I have a... prior engagement
that conflicts with the whole ass kicking thing.
We're a week away from the game against Lamont.
Do you know what the coach will do to your nuts if you don't show up tonight?
No? I'll tell you. He will grind them into dust.
Nut dust.
And the only kids you going to be able to have
is them itty-bitty patter ones.
You know, of course, it's possible to express oneself
without constantly resorting to cursing and crudeness.
You know when you're right, man.
I'm sorry.
As a show of apology,
might I interest you in a bite of my finely prepared luncheon?
Or you can just munch on my big juicy man buns.
They should be flavorsome. I have not showered in days.
[whimsical music]
[football player] Yeah, yeah,
[players] Let's go.
Come on, let's go.
-Let's go. [coach] Let's go!
[players] One! Two! Three! [coach shouts] This is count up. This is mount up.
[coach] Can we hear you? [players] Four!
[coach blows whistle]
[indistinct chatter]
[coach blows whistle]
[players grunting]
[indistinct chatter]
[coach] All right, here we go.
Yo, Wood?
-Cut the ball, man. -What?
[coach blows whistle]
-Woody? -Sorry, coach.
All right. Yo, let's get this.
-Wood? -Go.
[blows whistle] [bodies thud]
-Wood, man, come on. -Wake up, boy.
Uh, sorry, coach.
Okay, go.
Uh, I got it.
[players grunting]
[indistinct chatter]
[coach] What the hell were you doing out there?
You play like a damn woman.
-I'm feeling a little pique. -Pique?
-Yeah. It means off-color. -Yeah, I know what pique means.
You listen to me, and you listen good.
This homecoming game is gonna be the biggest day in these boys' lives.
You may have a God given talent that you can coast it,
but I will not risk you letting them down. Do you hear me, son?
[gasps] Yes. -Yes, coach.
Yea, coach.
You get your shit together boy,
or you'll be watching the game from the side lines.
Hey, Woodster, don't let it bug you.
Okay, buddy? You just hang in there, okay?
Look, you just hit a slump.
Okay? It's like a golfer.
It, it, it, it doesn't matter how big you are,
every now and again you lose your swing.
Okay, so you keep working on your stroke, you know,
banging those balls out all over the place.
Do you wanna try touching my helmet?
-What? -My lucky helmet.
I mean, it works for me, maybe it'll do you the same.
Go ahead, give it a rub.
What gives this, uh, lucky helmet such wonderous properties?
[chuckles]
It's kind of silly actually, but, uh,
you know, the first time Chanel jerked me off,
I kinda shot my load all over it.
It's a sentimental thing.
[bright music]
[alarm rings]
["Candle in the Wind" by Elton John]
♫ Though I never knew you at all You had the grace ♫
[Woody, inner voice] Oh, man.
What is this crappy music?
[music stops]
[Nell, inner voice] Okay, there's something of a pattern emerging here.
Oh. [sighs]
[Horse] Here he comes.
[biker] I see you. [Horse] Oh, whoops. Darn. Sorry.
[biker] Loser! [Horse] Yeah, you too and your mama.
Hey, Chanel.
Ow, ow.
I heard about football practice.
Those boys are really rough.
-I'm covered in bruises. -I don't care about your bruises.
If coach drops you my life is over.
Why's everybody getting so worked up? It's only a game.
No, no, it's not only a game. It's football.
Jesus, don't you get anything?
-I get that whatever this is, it clearly isn't a head cold. -Oh,
do you have any better theories, Miss smart ass?
Wait, whoa, look at you.
What am I wearing?
Chinos and an Oxford cotton button-down, I found in the back of your closet.
Ah, which is exactly where it's meant
to stay until another one of my relatives croaks.
-Nonsense, you can't beat a classic look. -My hair!
-You've made it all dorky. -A center parting is very European looking.
No, it is very dorky looking.
Excuse me, for taking a little pride in your appearance.
You're gonna ruin my life,
I look like a male version of you.
Well, as long as I'm stuck inside this disgusting body...
[inhales deeply] you'll just have to put up with it.
Oh, all right, if that's where you want it, sweet cheeks.
Whoa.
["Filthy/Gorgeous" by Scissor Sisters]
♫ When you're walkin' down the street ♫
♫ And a man tries to get your business ♫
♫ Cuz you're filthy ♫
♫ Ooh, and I'm gorgeous ♫
♫ Cuz you're filthy ♫
♫ Ooh, and I'm gorgeous ♫
♫ You're disgusting ♫
♫ Ooh, and you're nasty ♫
[indistinct catcalling]
♫ And you can grab me ♫
♫ Ooh cuz you're nasty ♫
[students whistle]
[student whistles] [boy 1] Nice legs.
[boy 2] Tinkerbell, you're lookin' fine, sugar!
What are you doing?
Protecting your modesty.
You look like a common prostitute.
Damn, I was going for a high class hooker.
You cannot walk into school like this.
I can do whatever I want.
Now get your hands off me or I'll scream.
♫ Cuz you're filthy ♫
♫ Ooh, and I'm gorgeous ♫
♫ Cuz you're filthy ♫
♫ Ooh, and I'm gorgeous ♫
♫ You're disgusting ♫
♫ Ooh, and you're nasty ♫
What are you doing?
You're supposed to be Shakespeare.
[Nell, inner voice] Hmm. Okay, here goes.
Nice penis.
♫ Cuz you're filthy ♫
♫ Ooh, and I'm gorgeous ♫
♫ Cuz you're filthy ♫
[Woody, inner voice] Ahh, God.
♫ ...I'm gorgeous ♫
[Woody, inner voice] Nothing like a bit of personal hygiene.
♫ You're disgusting ♫
[Woody, inner voice] Oh.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Oh, man, well, it has to be done.
[Bidermeyer screams]
[Breanna] Come on, think about it.
And she's totally pretending to be pretty.
I mean, you either are pretty or you're not.
-You don't... -Oh.
-Hello, Woody. -Hello, Breanna.
I have something I'd like to say to you.
Let me guess, you're sorry about blowing me off.
No. I'm afraid we can't see each other anymore.
[laughs] Very funny, Woody.
Well, I don't find you that attractive any more.
[all girls] What?
You just look kind of plain.
[girls gasp] -And don't worry about your moustache.
Some guys are really into that shit.
[gasps] Oh, oh.
Suck on this, Woody Deane.
[Chanel] He did not just say that to her.
You can't even see the hairs
unless you're like, right five feet away...
What just happened?
Seems you and your girlfriend just broke up.
Commiserations.
No. Me and Breanna?
Breanna and I, but let's not quibble over details.
-You broke up with my girlfriend? -You'll get over it.
[gasps]
[bike revs] -Hey, you wanna take a ride?
I have to go, tonight's a big night for me.
-You too. -What?
Congratulations. Tonight's the night you finally get to lose it.
[suspenseful music]
Hey, Nicky.
[gasps]
[bike revs]
[dog barks]
There you go, babe.
Thanks.
Nice, uh...
-...trailer. -It's a dump.
But, uh, my folks are away...
...and, uh, we won't be disturbed.
Wow.
Never seen a chick drink like that before.
[belches] Uh, my, uh...
...my throat's a little dry.
Maybe I could...
...moisten it up a little.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Oh, I, I can't. I need another beer.
Sure.
[sports chatter from radio]
[knock on door]
-You okay? -I'm fine thank you.
You've been acting kind of weird lately.
I think, I know what's on your mind.
-I don't think you do. -Well, let me guess.
I think, you think if you don't impress those scouts,
that you're gonna end up working with your dad in Spatula World.
What?
I ain't stupid, Woody.
Just let things fall into place.
Whatever you do, we'll be proud of you.
[sports chatter from radio]
So, you don't want to work with spatulas,
what the fuck, eh?
[sports chatter from radio]
[laughs] -Come on, baby.
-Not here. Mm-Mm. -Okay.
-Let's go to the master bedroom. -Okay.
Let's get cracking baby, 'cause daddy's packing.
[chuckles nervously]
[Nicky] Oh, yeah.
[Woody, inner voice] Oh, God, what was I thinking?
This is so gay.
What are you waiting for, babe?
Daddy wants to see some flesh.
[gasps] He's gonna make me his bitch.
I'll be Woody, the bitch boy. [whines softly]
Maybe you need a little help?
I have to pee.
-Now? -Yeah, I could fill a frickin' moat.
So, you, you get undressed and, uh,
don't start without me.
Hey, hey.
Hey, come back.
["Candle in the Wind" by Elton John playing on car radio]
Not this shit again, man.
It's very melodic. Come on.
If you give it a chance you might learn to enjoy it.
♫ ...to hold yourself ♫
♫ While those around you crawled ♫
Nope. Still shit.
-Hey, did you saw that greaseball, Nicky? -No.
Him and Pencil-neck got it on last night.
♫ ...into your brain ♫
♫ They set you on the treadmill ♫ [chuckles]
-Like, how long-- -Oh, my God, what? What?
-I know. [giggles] -Didn't you guys hear?
-No. What? -She did it in the trailer park.
[girls gasps] -Hi, Woody.
-Who? -Obnox.
She probably didn't even know it was a trailer park.
-No. There's no way she-- -Come on.
[Woody crying] [soft music]
Woody, are you, are you crying?
Yes.
What's, what's wrong?
[sniffling] Oh, I'm sorry.
I just found out I lost my virginity in a trailer park.
[Woody sobbing] -Okay, all right.
Here's, here's what we gotta do. I gotta, I gotta go.
-I got, I got a class. [Woody sobs]
[Tiffany] Ah! Ooh! What is that? [Breana] Get it off.
-It's a bee. It's a bee! -Guys, guys!
[bee buzzing] [girls laugh]
Hey, do you think she might like, do it with me?
No.
Get lost.
What?
[sighs] Look, about that. Don't worry.
You had a great time.
Trust me, you'll never forget it.
How could you do this to me?
What? Look,
I know he ain't the best-looking guy in the world
but, what the hell? It's only sex.
I wanted it to be special.
[scoffs] Well, you started it.
"A center parting is very European looking."
-You lost me my girlfriend. -I was saving it for the boy I fell in love with.
[scoffs]
Look, nothing happened, okay?
-Really? -Really.
-Well, that's not what Nicky is telling everyone. -Well, Nicky is a liar.
Try telling that to the entire world.
How does it feel being a cheap, little slut?
Looks like, I'm gonna have to have a talk with that son of a bitch,
because nobody calls us a slut.
[suspenseful music]
Pass, pass.
Hey, hey!
Hey, hey, Nicky, here's your hoe.
[students whistle]
Hey, I've been looking for you.
Yeah. Now you found me babe. [snickers]
What the hell did you say?
[boy] Play for it. He'll love it. -Huh?
Nothing.
-Oh, really? -That, uh,
it wasn't 100 percent true.
[scoffs] [boy] Nicky, you dog!
You're a greasy scumbag liar.
And you've got a very dirty, little mouth.
Then again...
-...I already knew that. [boy laughs]
-A regular little hellcat, ain't you? -Asshole.
[students] Oh!
That's no way to treat a lady, mister.
[grunts] And what kind of word is "ain't ya"?
-It's just wrong on so many levels. [groans]
Why don't you tell everyone what really happened? Huh?
-Tell them! -Nothing. Nothing happened.
Well, I think you owe this sweet, innocent,
yet still very attractive young lady an apology.
No. Get the-- Sorry.
Huh?
I'm sorry.
[boy] Nice. -Thanks.
[groans]
-It's so much fun to hit someone. -Yeah.
I wanna go back and punch him again.
Easy champ.
Doesn't mean I forgive you about screwing up about Breanna and I.
Breanna and me.
Sorry.
I'll try to fix things.
What's the point? I'm a girl, remember?
[sighs] Jeez, what am I gonna do?
Homecoming's next Friday.
And now, it's a complete disaster.
What were we doing before this happened?
Arguing?
We always argue.
-Not always. [clears throat]
We were at the museum.
-Hmm. -In front of that ugly Mexican dude.
Aztec. Tezcatlipoca.
-That's the guy. -He's the ancient God of sorcery.
[both together] No.
[mystical music]
[guard] I'll give you five minutes, folks.
[Woody clears throat]
-Okay, you go first. -No, you go first,
-you have the biggest mouth. [grunts]
-Hi, how are you? -Is that the best you can do?
He's a God, not your aunt Betsy.
Now, you may have gotten the impression that this,
young fellow, this lovely young fellow and I didn't like each other.
But, let me tell you,
-that could not be any farther from the truth. -That's right. Um,
sure we were fighting but all friends fight, right?
I mean, how could you not like Nell?
She's, uh, tidy, very tidy
and, uh, smart, way smart. [chuckles]
Kinda cute, especially when she does that thing with her nose.
We get along really well.
-Yeah, we're actually very close. [nervous chuckle] -The closest.
Real homies.
-To the end, bro. -Don't overdo it.
So, uh, now that we've got that cleared up...
-Mm-hmm. -...um, here's what we're gonna do.
We close our eyes, count to three,
and when we open them up,
-we'll be back in our right bodies. [exhales]
If that's okay with you,
which I'm sure it is,
since this is just a big misunderstanding.
Probably laugh about it in years to come.
[both laugh nervously] -Let's do it.
One...
...two...
...three.
[sighs]
Maybe he only speaks Mexican?
So what are we gonna do next, buy him an enchilada?
I had my heart set on Yale.
No, no, please, not the tears, please.
Oh, look,
you think I wanna end up working in my dad's spatula store?
I don't know.
Wait, wait.
You beat up Nicky.
So?
So,
you have my body, my strength.
All I need to do is show you how to use it.
-Huh? -Okay.
And, and we could study so you can get through my interview.
["Tryin' to Help" by Orson]
♫ Uh ♫
♫ Come on, baby why the long face? ♫
♫ You're messing up my head space ♫
...two, three.
♫ But I can see you've had a long day ♫ -That's nice.
-You do it. ♫ Let's talk about it anyway ♫
♫ Whoa, hey, there's million ways ♫
♫ To do the same thing ♫ -Oh. [laughs]
[Nell] Right at you.
-I can't hear it! ♫ I know I don't always get it ♫
♫ But you've got to give me credit now ♫
♫ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♫
♫ Love, I'm only tryin' to help ♫
♫ I'm only tryin' to help ♫ [Nell] Okay, ready? Hard as you like.
♫ ...through another day ♫ [Nell] Let's go.
♫ I'm only tryin to make it through another day ♫
♫ Another day, uh ♫
♫ Oh, yeah ♫
[Nell] Oh, sorry.
[students laugh]
[student] Really?
Just relax.
[Nell] We're quarterbacks.
-C'est moi? -Yes.
Once the snap count has been given,
the center snaps the ball to the quarterback,
and that's when the play begins. Are you with me so far?
-Yes. -Good.
Now, the offence has a limited amount of time...
[Woody] "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May.
And summer's lease hath all too short a date."
So... he's not actually saying that she's like a summer's day?
He's saying she's kind of hot like a summer's day?
Yeah, that's it exactly.
[chuckles] Right.
You know, I still can't imagine
ever actually saying something like that to someone.
It'll be like, so uncool.
Maybe you'd just have to meet the right person
to say that kind of stuff to.
Or maybe I just don't wanna look like a doofus.
-Old Shaky must have really liked that one. [Stan shouts] Yes!
She must have been some babe.
Actually, Shakespeare wrote this to a young man.
Shakespeare was a homo?
-We don't know that exactly. [laughs]
He writes a poem to a guy telling him how hot he is,
and you don't know exactly?
Jeez, what do you have to do before you know exactly?
Write an ode to a schlong?
[scoffs]
I think that's enough for today.
The bard was a bender. Who would've thought?
See you tomorrow.
-Good night. -Good night.
[whimsical music]
Listen, I was wrong about your parents.
They're all right once you get used to your mom's language.
Mom's pretty cool.
Yeah. Woody, can I ask you a question?
-Sure. -Um...
...in the morning...
-Never mind. -What?
-No, it's nothing really. -Go on.
It's a little embarrassing but...
...every morning you have, uh...
...this thing...
-...you know? -No.
-A thingamajig. -What?
You know...
...every morning?
-Oh, you mean the old boner! -No, that's not exactly the word I would have used.
-Boy, do I miss that guy. -Uh, I'm sure you do.
Uh, what I'd like to know is how can I get rid of it?
[chuckles] Only one way I know how... [tongue clicks]
What are you-- That's disgusting, I would nev...
There's got to be another way, right?
[sighs] Well, there is one thing that I do in case of emergencies
sort of lets the air out of the old tire, if you know what I'm saying.
First I close my eyes...
...and I think of you.
Works every time.
-Good night. -See ya!
[tree creaks]
Hey, you want one?
No, thanks.
You're kind of quiet... up there tonight. Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, I was just studying with Nell.
Oh, is that what you young people are calling it these days?
-Nell's not that kind of girl. -No, I, I know, I know.
She's a good kid.
You know, way back,
her dad, Ted, and I used to hang out together.
He was a good guy, Ted.
He still is.
I mean, as far as I know.
What ever happened between you two?
Oh, well, Nell's mom, Katherine, I guess,
she didn't really approve or something.
We weren't, uh, her kind of people, I guess.
[chuckles] Good night, son.
Good night... Dad.
[students chatter]
[bus claxon] [student] My Mom won't let me go.
[Woody, inner voice] Oh, God, she's crying.
[sobbing]
Chanel?
-Yeah. -Are you okay?
No. [crying]
[Woody, inner voice] Oh, crap.
What's wrong?
It's, uh, Harry.
He's seeing some other girl.
No, he wouldn't do that.
Well, then, how come I saw him with his tongue stuck down her throat?
Ah. [sighs]
Did you see who it was?
No, they were in his car.
But I saw what they were doing clear enough.
Why are guys such jerks?
Why am I asking you, right? You know less about guys than anybody on the planet.
I'm sorry.
-No. -I didn't mean that.
-You're right. -I'm sorry.
What do I know about guys?
I was so stupid. I know what Horse is like.
Then why do you go out with him?
'Cause when I started at Westdale I felt invisible.
And then...
...when I started going out with Horse and I became friends
with Breanna, Tiffany, Woody and everyone and then...
...people started to notice me.
And I liked that.
So, I guess I'm just afraid of feeling invisible again.
You know, I think that a lot more people feel that way than you realize.
You do.
You go your own way no matter what anyone thinks.
I admire you, Nell.
[girls laughing] [Chanel] This is my room.
And this is Mr. Stinky, you have to say hello.
Why did you bring that pencil-neck to our sleepover?
Um, um, Nell's okay.
She just wants to hang, right?
-Nell? -Oh, yeah.
Can't wait until we all get in our jammies.
I guess.
-I see you finally seen the errors of your geekish ways. -Oh, I have.
This girl just wants to have fun.
Okay. Okay. So let's get into our PJs.
[girls wooing]
[Woody, inner voice] Whoo, fucking whoo.
[Horse wooing]
Lock target in fire at-- will you check out that ass!
-What about Chanel? -Huh?
I don't see her.
Think about it Harry,
are you willing to betray the love of a good woman
for the cheap thrill of a tawdry, one night stand?
[laughs hysterically]
You crack me up, you know that, boy?
Look, you were always into the faithful thing buddy,
I'm the Horse. Horse people know no such boundaries.
And plus, tonight, I'mma lock target. Early.
-What? -You know how it happens.
A few drinks, quality control goes out the window,
and before you know it, you're sucking face with some swill-muncher from downtown.
Or worse still,
I end up here with you,
drunk on some dark street telling you I love you.
[scoffs] And you know, neither of us want that to happen, homie.
Let's go to a party.
-So, Breanna, you're not seeing Woody anymore? -Ugh.
-That is so over. -It's such a shame.
I mean, you guys were, like, the perfect couple.
Duh. I was only seeing him
-because he's the football captain. -Ah.
Without me, he's just another dumb jock
with his brains in his shorts. Which is convenient,
because there's not much else going on down there,
-if you catch my drift. [all laugh]
["Red carpet Pimpin'" by Marz]
[Horse] Drink! [boy] You're a loser, man. Drop that weight.
["Push The Button" by Sugababes]
Manicures, pedicures, face masks. Are we done yet?
[sighs] Nell, I couldn't help
by noticing that you're a little on the, um, bristly side.
Um... what?
Down below.
You've got sort of a, a rainforest thing going on.
Uh, it's a bush. Ain't it supposed to be bushy?
-Oh. -We've all gone totally Latino.
[both] Totally.
[scoffs] Really?
-You should too. -Yeah.
-Absolutely. -You know, we could do it for you right now.
Latino.
-What the hell, let's do it. [Latin music]
[squeals excitedly] Okay girls,
we have a green light on the Brazilian.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa. -Tiffany, bring me
scissors and depilatory strips.
Chanel, I'm gonna need towels and hot water. Lots of it.
-Nell, I want you to sit back... -yeah.
-...relax and do exactly... [screams]
-...as I say. -No!
[crowd chants] Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.
[rap music continues]
Yeah.
One more, give me one more.
[crowd chanting] One more, one more!
Chug it down, chug it down. More, more, more.
-Bite down on this. [grunts]
-On three. One, two... [Woody, inner voice] Maybe this is a bad idea.
-...three. [screams]
[sobbing]
Hmm, excellent.
[Horse] Did I say you I love you, man?
[Woody singing]
I really do love you, man.
You're like my twin brother.
You're white but you're my twin brother.
[Nell groans]
Man, this is one tender Brazilian.
[sighs] [Nell] How you feeling?
[sighs] A little better.
How much did you drink last night?
-Oh, I don't know. [chuckles]
I just remember feeling unusually happy
and having a really good time
and then, think someone
picked up the room and started spinning it.
[giggles] -I don't know, I'm just an idiot.
Yeah. Think of it as a rite of passage.
Just go easy next time.
Mm.
Thanks for taking care of me.
Yeah.
See you after lunch. We have stuff to do today.
Mm, I know.
Okay.
[Nell] Drop back,
pump fake and then throw the ball.
[Woody] Okay. All right, I can do that.
-Back. -But you're telegraphing. Alright, you're telegraphing.
Watch me. Get behind me and follow what I do.
-Ooh, what is that? -What's what?
That stick in my ass.
Oh, sorry.
We're meant to be playing football.
Look, it's not my fault. I, I'm sorry. It's--
-It's your thing, not mine. -Yeah, but you're behind the wheel.
I guess that means you find me attractive.
[scoffs] No, actually, that means you find me attractive.
But let's not read too much into it, okay?
This thing finds minerals attractive.
That is such a guy thing to say.
Can we just keep playing football, please?
Sure, as long as you keep my dick out of your butt.
[calm music]
[seagulls squawking]
[whimsical suspenseful music]
[tree creaking]
[Woody grunts]
Ah, came through the window.
One of the many skills I've acquired of late. [panting]
[Katherine] They are okay... -Oh, keep our voices down.
If my mom knows I have a boy in my room she'd spontaneously combust.
I'm trying to decide what to wear for your interview.
Navy suit, white blouse and sensible shoes.
You don't think something a little hotter?
It's an interview.
-You're joking. -Mm-hmm.
At least now you can tell.
Uh, I've been thinking, while we're like this,
I wonder if it would make sense that we go to the homecoming dance together.
I mean, only because, well, who else would we go with?
I don't wanna be stuck with pencil-neck posse for the whole night.
-Hmm. It wouldn't be a date. -No, no, no. No.
-I'd, I'd like that. -Great. It's a date.
A non-date date. [chuckles softly]
[Katherine] Nell, wash hands. Dinner.
-Oh. -That's my cue to go.
Huh.
Not a date.
[objects rattle, Nell falls]
[Woody] It's all right, I'm okay.
Um... I will be kinda late tomorrow. [sniffs]
Kind of.
Sorry.
Kind of late tomorrow.
What is with you at the moment? Ted?
Sometimes I feel as though I don't know who you are anymore.
She's growing up, Katherine.
So, are you going to tell me
what you're doing or is it a secret?
It's no secret, I'm studying with Woody.
Again?
Yeah, you've got a problem with that?
No.
If you want to waste your valuable time it's your affair.
-Who says I'm wasting my time? -Oh, Nell.
You only have to look at the boy.
What's wrong with him?
He's stupid, he's trouble, and he's a loser.
You told me so yourself.
And there's nothing you can do to change that.
Look at his family.
They are up against basic genetics.
Hi, Mr. Bedworth.
Is Nell around?
Um, she's gone back to school, I think, son.
She said she had to do some extra studying.
She has her interview with Yale tomorrow.
Oh, okay.
Well, thanks.
So, how have you been, Mr. Bedworth?
I'm fine, Woody, just fine.
Good, good.
Well, give my best to your wife.
I will do.
Well, bye.
[Woody grunting]
What are you trying to do?
[grunts]
-Stop,
-you're gonna hurt yourself. -Back off!
Why are you doing this?
Because this is who I am.
This is all I've ever been.
Now, I'm not even that. [grunts]
Football's not who you are.
You don't get it, do you?
-People like you never do. -People like me?
-What exactly is it that people like me don't get? -People like me!
Then educate me, please.
Okay.
We like to play ball.
Maybe we're even pretty good at it.
So... maybe we get accepted
to some second rate shit kicker college,
or maybe we go work for our Dad at the spatula store.
Who knows?
But what we don't get is a great job,
a big apartment in the city...
[scoffs] and a Yale education.
So, that's what this is about? The interview?
No.
Yes.
I don't know!
-It's okay to be nervous. -Nothing is okay. Nothing.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to be playing the most important game of my life.
This is my destiny.
Mine.
I'm not supposed to be attending some college interview.
So we got the wrong lives.
But sometimes you just gotta get on with life.
Let things fall into place.
Do me a favor.
Save your inspirational speeches
for someone who gives a damn.
I know who I am.
I'm a loser, I'm trouble, and I'm stupid.
It's basic genetics.
Can't help it.
["Be Strong" by Fefe Dobson]
Funny.
I never took you for a quitter.
♫ Take as much time ♫
♫ As you need to heal ♫
♫ Such a pretty girl ♫
♫ I once was where you are so in love ♫
♫ I once had begged the great Lord above ♫
♫ Please bring him home ♫
♫ Be strong ♫
♫ So strong ♫
♫ I know you can ♫
♫ Baby girl, hold on ♫
♫ Be strong ♫
♫ So strong ♫
♫ 'Cause now your man ♫
♫ Baby girl, is gone ♫
[music through the headphones] [footsteps approaching]
♫ He's in another girl's loving arms ♫
-You can go in. ♫ You watch her working ♫
[music stops]
Miss Bedworth?
Yes, Nell.
Please take a seat.
[clears throat] [interviewer] Well, Nell,
one of the qualities we hope for in any Yale student is their passion.
-Mm. -Your turn papers and test results are exemplary.
But your love and knowledge of literature,
is rare in a person of your years.
Thank you, but it's an important part of my life.
Go on.
Poetry, for instance...
...I like the way that it can articulate and express feelings
complicated and difficult feelings
that you can't explain literally.
What about modern literature?
Are there any contemporary writers and poets that you particularly admire?
Mm...
No. Not really.
Oh. Why is that?
Because they suck?
Oh.
[announcer over PA] Welcome everybody to homecoming,
the biggest game of the year.
[interviewer] Surely if poetry is no longer relevant,
then poets and their art form are doomed to extinction.
Ooh.
I think, that will be all.
Actually, I, I do like some modern poets.
In fact I love 'em.
-Oh. -Yeah.
50 Cent, Pete Pablo, Marshal Mathers.
I don't think I'm familiar with their work.
Well, they're rap artists.
And you consider that to be poetry?
Absolutely.
It's urban poetry, sir.
They talk about their lives and their experiences.
And they can be very brutal,
but often undercut with humor.
A Dark humor. Here, check it out.
[crowd cheering] [announcer] A cheer to the home team,
the Westdale Bay Beavers.
That's my boy.
[announcer] Let's hear it for our star quarterback,
Woody Deane.
That is my boy. That is my son.
That's my son.
[bus honks]
[Nell] Wait.
[coin clinks]
[referee blows whistle]
[announcer] Here we go!
[crowd cheering]
[bodies thud] [referee blows whistle]
[announcer] Number 83, Johnny Chancer for the Beavers on a 10-yard count.
Beavers rule. Beavers rule.
[announcer] ...30-yard line, first one down. [player] Black 82.
Black 82.
Hey you, you leave him alone or I'll sort you out.
[crowd cheering]
[loud honking]
[body thud]
[referee blows whistle]
Ahh.
[cheering] [announcer] That's a touchdown
for the Razorbacks, folks.
And, uh,
they've obviously been practicing their celebrations.
[crowd cheering] [announcer] And it's forced again. Defense.
No, no, no!
[body thud] [referee blows whistle]
[announcer] Now it's touchdown for the Razorbacks.
As they take the lead, 14-0, early in the fourth quarter.
There's still time folks, but Woody Deane's really gotta take the pitch and play.
[players chattering]
[player 1] Let's go! [coach] Come on!
Now, just get up. All right, we got to play.
We don't get time for nothing.
[Nell grunts] [loud throw]
[body thud]
[referee blows whistle]
[announcer] Oh, the 12-yard loss of play.
Deane sacked again. This is really unusual, folks.
-Yeah! -Come on, yeah!
Buddy, you just messed with the wrong girl.
-Hi. -Hi, Nell.
Hey, I didn't know football was your bag.
Uh, yeah, I just came to cheer on the team.
Yeah, we're not doing too good.
[grunts] [body thuds]
-What? Move, move. -Whoa!
Oh! That's my boy. He's my boy.
He's my flesh and blood!
[both grunting]
[crowd cheering]
[body thud]
[groans] [crowd cheering]
[Stan] Ah! [announcer] Beavers!
Great catch and run by Harry the Horse.
[cheerleaders] Play for a touchdown!
[Stan] Yes, yes. Yes. -Hey, hey, hey,
-sit your fat arse down, Stan. -Point taken, my good woman.
-You wanna munch on some dog? -Yeah, thanks.
Thanks, Dad.
Mm.
[body thud] -Ooh!
[crowd cheering] -Come on!
[announcer] And the kick is good!
[cheerleaders] Push it back. Push it back.
[announcer] And this was it folks. Five seconds to go.
Time for one more play.
-This is make or break for the Beavers. -Come on.
[man in crowd] Make your black 82.
[coach] Give it your all! -Ready? [grunts]
Go on.
-Move. [body thud]
Got it, girl.
[dramatic music]
[announcer] It's a touchdown!
-Yeah! [announcer] Touchdown, with the touchdown the Beavers wins
the game on the last leg, Woody Deane!
[laughs] -Woody Deane locks it, for the first time...
-Whoo! [announcer] ...this season for a touchdown.
The Beavers win.
Yeah! [laughs]
[crowd cheering]
[players] Beavers! Beavers!
What are you waiting here for?
[players] Woody, you're the man.
[players cheering]
[mumbles] Thanks.
-Great game, son. Great game. -Thank you.
-Decided on a college yet? -I've had my heart set on Yale
since I was a little girl.
That's funny. You know what, get your parents to give me a call.
All right. We're not Yale, but I think you might like what we have to offer.
-Wow. Thank you so much. -No problem. Great game.
Thank you. [chuckles]
[chuckles]
You did it.
-You were great. -Thank you.
-Did you see me out there? -Mm-hmm.
I totally kicked ass.
Oh, and the guy back there, he was a scout.
He gave me his card.
-You're going to college. No spatulas. -I saw.
-Thank you. -You know what the best part is?
-Huh? -I totally loved it.
Your adrenaline gets pumping
and the crowd was totally into it and...
Oh, the interview?
Oh, my God, I totally forgot it.
How was it?
It was amazing.
I, I mean, the place was.
For a moment I really felt like...
...part of it.
[softly] I gave my best shot.
I'm sure you did.
And that's all anyone can ask.
And I tell you something. They would be lucky...
[exhales deeply] ...to have someone like you.
Thank you.
Oh... ditto.
[laughs nervously]
You know, if I have to spend my life as someone else...
...I'd be honored to be you.
[chuckles]
Ditto back at you.
Double ditto.
[both] Double, double ditto. [both chuckle]
[mysterious music]
[swooshing]
[players] Woody, where are you?
Yo, Woody! Yeah!
[wind howling]
[players cheering]
[Nell] Woody?
[gasps] Hey guys,
-hey, I'm back. [Horse] What are you talking about back man?
[Horse] Whoo!
Hey, there, Mr. Football hero.
Do I look attractive enough for you now?
[gentle music]
[Breanna] Woody?
[fireworks at distance]
Please Mrs. Bedworth, I need to speak to Nell.
-Well, she doesn't wish to speak with you. -I have to talk to her.
She isn't going to the dance,
Woody, but she did say she hopes you have
a good time with Breanna Bailey.
For just one moment, Woody, I thought you've changed.
Oh!
Come on, honey. Why the sad face?
You got everything we've ever wanted.
["Dance Yourself to Death" by Life, Not Living]
♫ She left the party early ♫
♫ Ripping her dress ♫
Oh, my God. Look at that dress!
♫ Standing in the rain ♫
♫ She swore she'd never hurt again ♫
♫ Although her thinking was slightly ♫
♫ Influenced by the night that she'd abandoned ♫
So, do you like my dress?
Yeah, yeah, you look nice, Breanna.
It's so tight, it shows everything.
I had to leave my panties off.
Let's hope you don't get diarrhea then.
I'm gonna get some punch.
♫ The guests pretended ♫
♫ That they hadn't seen her aflame ♫
-Harry? -Hmm.
Do you like my dress?
Yeah, yeah, baby, it looks good on you.
[car radio] WBCR coming to you live from Westdale Bay Homecoming.
Say hi, everybody make your way here this evening.
Who's gonna be Homecoming King and Queen?
♫ She's now living funeral tonight ♫
I am so nervous.
Are you kidding me?
-You've got this in the bag. -I know.
-Check make-up? -Yeah.
-Okay. -We won't be a minute.
Oh, Woody, straighten your tie. Photographers.
♫ ...the legend goes dinner deteriorated ♫
You know, seeing you in that tuxedo is making me feel kinda horny.
-Let's do it in the bushes. -Serious?
-Yeah, it'd be like doing it with James Bond. [chuckles]
Well, you know me, 009 and a half.
-License to thrill. Hang on, baby. [chuckles]
-Okay, wait. -What? What?
You wait over there,
and then I'll walk by like Halle Berry,
and then you jump up and grab me.
I'm loving this.
[Horse imitates neigh]
[laughs hysterically]
[whimsical music]
[Horse exhales, laughs]
Ooh! [laughs]
[Horse] Ready when you are baby.
Uh, come and get me.
Chanel?
Goodbye, Mr. Bond.
[car revving]
What the--
Halle Berry wouldn't have done that.
Good evening, Westdale Bay.
And the presentation of the crowns of this year's homecoming...
[door opens]
[sighs]
Hi, princess.
Hi, Daddy.
So you're not going to the dance?
No.
Does it have anything to do with Woody?
[softly] No.
Maybe.
He likes someone else.
But is she a princess?
Anytime soon she'll be a queen.
No contest. Princesses are younger and prettier,
especially when they're my daughter.
You really like him, don't you?
Yes.
Me too.
I think he's a good one.
I think you should go.
But I don't have anything to wear.
Oh, uh, just--
[clears throat]
There. [chuckles]
Now, I'm not usually known for my taste in fashion,
but the young lady in the store said it was dope.
I have no idea what that means of course.
[gasps]
It's beautiful.
Ah, good. Uh, uh, well, uh... [chuckles]
She said you'd need these too.
[gasps] -Now apparently these are heavy.
And for all I know they could be dope as well.
[squeals with excitement] Thank you.
...the title of Westdale Bay High Homecoming King,
goes to...
...our very own footballing hero, Woody Deane.
[crowd cheering]
Make your way up, Woody.
And now for the biggie,
this year's Westdale Bay Homecoming Queen is...
...Breanna Bailey.
[applause]
Thank you, Miss Bidermeyer. Principal Johnson.
-And thank you, Westdale Bay. [scarce awing in the crowd]
There are so many people that I need to share this great honor with.
My mother for her undying support
and generous attitude towards cosmetic surgery.
My hair dresser, Georgio Theodopolous.
-My-- -Thank you, Breanna.
Another round of applause, please,
for our Homecoming King and Queen.
[applause]
["Goodbye To Romance" by Ozzy Osbourne]
♫ Yesterday has been and gone ♫
♫ Tomorrow will I find the sun ♫
♫ Or will it rain ♫
♫ Everybody's having fun ♫
♫ Except me I'm the lonely one ♫
♫ I live in shame ♫
♫ I say goodbye to romance ♫
♫ Yeah ♫
♫ Goodbye to friends ♫
[gentle music]
[chuckles softly]
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and temperate."
Rough winds, blah, blah, blah.
-There's something in there, I can't remember. [chuckles]
-And, uh... [both laugh]
...yada, yada, yada.
I'm sorry.
I'm no Shakespeare.
-My guess is Romeo wasn't much of a quarterback, either, right? [chuckles] No.
I really wish I had the most perfect and beautiful words
in the world to say to you 'cause if I did I'd say them, but...
I'd tell you how great you make me feel when I'm with you.
And how I love that little thing you do with your nose when you smile.
-How you always correct my stupid grammar. I hate it. [both chuckle]
But most of all, I'd...
...I'd tell you that...
...you make me a better person.
My own person.
And that's why I know that this means nothing.
And you mean everything.
But hey, I'm just a stupid quarterback.
I don't have the right words.
Those were lovely words.
Perfect words.
Come here, dumb jock.
Try and stop me, Pencil-neck.
[crowd awing]
Stop that!
I'm the Homecoming Queen.
Let's get out of here.
[Breana gasps] -Yeah.
-Out of my way. [Chanel falls]
-I'm the Homecoming Queen. -Also you're a bitch.
[crowd jeers]
Nice ass, baby. How about a little swirl?
["Love is on Our Side" by The Frank Popp Ensemble]
**
♫ When I look in to your eye I know you are for me ♫
♫ I feel this in my heart and so I that... ♫ -I don't know if I missed this--
The, the Homecomi-- Did Woody Deane win?
[balloon explodes]
[gasps] Sweet lord.
It's the second coming.
♫ Oh, yeah love is on our side ♫
♫ When times get rough on this wild ride ♫
♫ Remember love is on our side ♫
So, how are we gonna do this?
-What? -You're going to your shitty college and me going to Yale?
What?
You did it.
It came this morning.
-Congratulations. -What?
-Uh-huh. -You got in?
[chuckles]
Oh, my God, I did it.
Me and you done pretty good, huh?
You and me.
Or...
...I?
Will you just kiss me already?
Yes, ma'am.
["High" by James Blunt]
♫ Beautiful dawn ♫
♫ You're just blowing my mind again ♫
♫ Thought I was born to endless night ♫
♫ Until you shine ♫
♫ High ♫
[Nell] Woody, can I ask you something? [Woody] Sure.
What happened to my bush?
[Katherine] You cannot be serious.
A year sabbatical? I won't allow it.
We're talking about Yale, for heaven's sake, Yale!
[gasps]
I know mum. But what the fuck, huh?
What the fuck?
[Ted] Uh, Katherine.
♫ High ♫
♫ Running wild among all the stars above ♫
♫ Sometimes ♫
♫ It's hard to... ♫ [Woody] We're not gonna need this.
[Nell] Oh, my God. ♫ ...believe you remember me ♫
♫ High ♫
♫ Running wild... ♫
If I may quote Snoop Dog,
"Let's get it started."
["Let's Get It Started" by Black Eyed Peas]
It's quite dope, huh?
You see what I'm saying?
Actually, I'm not sure if this is Snoop,
it, it, it could be One Eyed Peas or 38 Cents.
I'm down with it anyway, bitch.
♫ Let's get it started ♫ ♫ Ha ♫
♫ Let's get it started ♫ ♫ In here ♫
♫ Let's get it started ♫ ♫ Ha ♫
♫ Let's get it started ♫ ♫ In here ♫
♫ Let's get it started ♫ ♫ Ha ♫
♫ Let's get it started ♫ ♫ In here ♫
♫ Let's get it started ♫ ♫ Ha ♫
♫ Let's get it started ♫ ♫ In here ♫
♫ Yeah ♫ ♫ And the bass keeps runnin' runnin' and runnin', runnin' ♫
♫ And runnin', runnin'... ♫ ♫ Come on, y'all let's get coo-koo ♫
♫ Uh, huh ♫ ♫ Let's get coo-koo ♫
♫ In here ♫ ♫ Wild out, get coo-koo ♫
♫ Uh, huh ♫ ♫ Let's get coo-koo ♫
♫ In here ♫ ♫ Wild out, get coo-koo ♫
♫ Uh, huh ♫ ♫ Let's get coo-koo ♫
♫ In here ♫ ♫ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♫
♫ Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya! ♫
♫ Let's get ill that's the deal ♫
♫ At the gate, and we'll bring the bugged out drill ♫
♫ Just ♫ ♫ Lose your mind this is the time ♫
♫ Y'all can't stand still twist and bang your spine ♫
♫ Just ♫ ♫ Bob your head like me, apl.de ♫
♫ Up inside the club or in your Bentley ♫
♫ Get messy, loud and sick Y'all mind pass normal or another head trip ♫
♫ So ♫ ♫ Come them now do not correct it ♫
♫ Let's get ignant let's get hectic ♫
♫ Yeah, yeah ♫ ♫ Everybody, everybody ♫
♫ Yeah, yeah ♫ ♫ Just get into it ♫
♫ Get stupid, get it started ♫ ♫ Come on, come on ♫
♫ Get it started get it started ♫
♫ Let's get it started ♫ ♫ Ha ♫
♫ Let's get it started ♫ ♫ In here ♫
♫ Let's get it started ♫ ♫ Ha ♫
♫ Let's get it started ♫ ♫ In here ♫
♫ Let's get it started ♫ ♫ Ha ♫
♫ Let's get it started ♫ ♫ In here ♫
♫ Let's get it started ♫ ♫ Ha ♫
♫ Let's get it started ♫ ♫ In here ♫
♫ You're coo-koo ♫ ♫ Uh, huh ♫
♫ We coo-koo ♫ ♫ In here ♫
♫ We coo-koo ♫ ♫ Uh, huh ♫
♫ We coo-koo ♫ ♫ In here ♫
♫ Wild out, get coo-koo ♫ ♫ Uh, huh ♫
♫ We coo-koo ♫ ♫ In here ♫
♫ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♫ ♫ Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya ♫
♫ Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya! ♫ ♫ ...and runnin', runnin' ♫
♫ And runnin', runnin' and runnin', runnin' ♫
[dramatic music]
[whimsical music]
[gentle music]
[bright music]
[music ends]