Oh, my gosh, Sam, that feels so good.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Sam, I love you so much.
Just a little higher.
Yeah, oh, God. Oh, my God.
A little higher.
Okay, yeah, right there.
Oh. Yeah, right there.
Oh, yeah, a little higher.
That's it, higher, right there. Get it, get in there.
Oh, my God. Oh, God. I think I'm gonna cum.
Oh, my God, I think I'm gonna...
Oh, God, Sam, I love you so mu--
Oh, my God.
You have one new voice message.
New message.
- Hey, Jessica. It's Clifford.
I think your friend Melanie's wedding is this weekend,
and I know you've been super busy,
but I'd still love to take you.
If you're going. Okay, bye.
Stupid. Okay.
-Hey. -Hm?
Should we--should we take some baby wipes?
You know, in case we get any tent business going.
Oh, my God.
Really? That one?
Hey.
Hey. I just wanna make sure you're okay.
You don't have to be nervous or anything.
Yeah, well I'm-- I'm totally nervous.
Well, don't be. God, that's why I'm calling.
Hold on.
Mm, I still got it. Okay, look.
What happened between you and Sam is your business.
What everybody else thinks doesn't matter.
All right? Just be yourself.
What? Are--are people saying something?
- Oh, shit! I spilled the curacao.
-What? -Well, we're serving blue lagoons.
You have to have curacao. Otherwise, they're just lagoons.
No, no, I mean, are people still mad at me? Are they?
'Cause that was--it was eight months ago, you know?
I'm sure it's fine, okay? That's why I'm calling.
Is Mel mad at me?
Because we haven't talked, you know, in--
Let's go, lover. I wanna beat traffic.
Okay, honey. I gotta go.
Wait, Peter?
You are a treasure and we all love you.
It's gonna be great.
- Let's go, Nate! Bye, guys! - Okay.
Okay, Maxine, you know where the fire extinguisher is.
-Yeah. -You know first-aid kit.
-Yeah. -Neighbors know we're going outta town.
But if you need to check in, we'll have our phones on us.
-Nate? -Yeah, okay, okay.
Come here, big man.
Okay. All right, you gonna be a good boy?
-You gonna listen up? Yeah? -Yeah.
-Wanna say goodbye to Mommy?
Let's say goodbye to Mommy.
-Bye, Mommy. -Bye!
All right, bye, kiddo. -Okay.
-Bye. -Okay. All right, bye.
-Okay. Okay, I'm gone, okay. -Have the best time.
Come here. Come here, come here, come here, come here.
Oh, God. Oh, I love you.
Okay, we're good.
Okay, I love you, I love you.
-I love you, buddy! -All right, he heard you.
Okay.
Hi, this is Karen. Leave me a message.
- Hey, Karen, it's your sis. What up, milady?
Just on my way to Mel's wedding,
which is, you know, super awkward for me
- because Sam is gonna be there--
Shoot.
- Hey, Karen, it's your sister.
Just on my way to Mel's wedding, you know,
she's marrying Greg, I still can't believe it
'cause, you know, he is not the guy I saw her with but--
- Are you still there? - What the fu--?
-What are you doing? -Nate, please.
-You don't smoke. -Honey, I just wanna have fun this weekend, okay?
So just try and relax and not make me and my friends tense.
I never make you and your friends tense.
Oh.
This is the whole time?
Yeah, the whole time.
Hey, Karen, it's your sister.
Just on my way to this shit storm of a wedding
'cause you know, hey, friendship.
Even though Mel hasn't liked a single
picture or post of mine in months--
- Sorry, would you like to record a message? - What the fuck is happening?
Coming up on this week's edition
of "Death in Murder Town."
A murder.
Fuck this.
Text Peter.
Here are Derek Jeter's career stats in the MLB.
Goddammit. Oh, God.
Hey, are you there yet, question mark?
Wanted to see if we could grab a drink
before we head up, period.
Call me, exclamation point.
What the f--
I didn't even--God.
Text Peter.
- Which Peter would you like to text? - -Goddammit!
Peter Franklin. Peter Boston.
...cute houses that litter the valley.
This is the town's sheriff.
- Nothing ever happens here. -He's guilty.
-Oh, yeah, guilty as sin. -It's just a quiet, sleepy suburb.
That's what they all say, isn't it?
Okay.
Stop it.
Sam, we're gonna be late.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, I fucking love you.
Oh!
Oh, Sam, I never
shoulda...
- Hey. - Hey -- Oh, hey.
There you are. How's it-- hey, how's it going?
It's good. I'm good. I'm good, you?
I'm good. You know me.
Hey, I was wondering if-- are you going
to Melanie's wedding this weekend?
I just hadn't heard, but it's this weekend, right?
Oh, God, are you sure?
I'm pretty sure. I had it in the calendar.
I think--I think they might have changed it, though.
Actually, I--I saw Peter's post,
and I think they're headed there now.
Oh.
Yes, it is. It is this weekend.
But you know what? I'm not--I'm not sure,
Cliff, if I'm gonna go.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
I thought you were the maid of honor.
Yeah.
Yes, no, I am. I am the maid of honor.
You know, which means I'll probably--
I will probably go, but I'm just, um...
I don't think I'm gonna stay that long so...
Oh, that's too bad.
Yeah. Yeah, like, I'm on my way there right now.
But I, um-- I don't know, you know.
I'm probably just gonna be in and out.
And it just-- you know what?
I just feel so bad, you know?
It's not gonna be that much fun for you, you know.
But you know what? Maybe we could hang on Sunday.
You know, do John Oliver or something.
You sure? I don't mind going up for the day.
Honestly, I don't mind, Jess.
Shoot, Cliff?
Do you want me to meet you at--Jess?
Shoot, are you there, Cliff?
Jess, I can hear you. Can you hear me?
If you can hear me-- if you can hear me, Cliff,
-don't worry, it's nothing. -Jess?
-You're not missing anything, okay? -Jess! Jess!
-I will see you on Sunday. -Okay, Sunday then. Sounds good.
So what time you think you'll be headed over?
Shoot, I can't hear you. Bye-bye, Cliff. Bye-bye, bye-bye.
Thanks, honey. Yeah, we don't--we definitely wanna bring the cooler
like sooner rather than later before everything like starts to melt.
Is that Jessica?
-Hi. -I'll be right there.
Yes, poor thing.
Last single girl of the group and she used to date the best man.
It's literally every woman's nightmare.
Who's the best man?
Sam.
Samantha, honey, you met her at the engagement party.
-The best man's a woman? -Oh, my God!
Like seriously, when you blurt stuff out like that, I don't even know what to think.
It's like, you've seen The L Word. This isn't news.
-Hey. Hi. -Hey, Jess.
-Hi. -Hi. Oh, my gosh.
Hey, Nate.
-Hey. -Hi. Yeah, you look great.
-Oh. -How's work?
-It's-- -Oh, I mean, well, I saw in the alumni newsletter
you're doing like a teen blog thing.
Okay, yeah, it's going great.
It's going so great I'm actually, um...
-talking with Tinder. -Oh.
Yeah, yeah, I have this, um, this great idea
for an online teen tween dating site thing.
I think we should call it OverTheShirt.com.
-Wow. -Yeah.
Wow, I've never thought of a dating site for teens.
Mm-hm, yeah. Yeah, it's more of like future brand building,
but you know they're gonna be dating online someday anyway, right? So...
Speaking of, how's your-- how's your little one?
-Evan. He's great. -Evan.
He's amazing. He's six now.
Six. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's cute.
I saw you posted a picture of him.
He was at a rodeo or something.
-He's so big. -Halloween.
-Halloween. Yeah. Okay. -Yeah.
-Yeah, you know, they grow up so fast. -Yeah.
I mean, you feel like every second of it,
but it's not like...
Anyway, you have a boyfriend now, right? Cliff?
Oh, no, no, no, no. Cliff, he's not--
I'm just dating a guy named Cliff.
Is he coming?
No he couldn't, he couldn't. He had work, but...
Yeah, how did you-- did you meet Cliff?
No, no, no, we've just been so busy helping Mel
with everything, with the wedding.
-Yeah. -I did your gift bag.
Oh, cool! Cool, yeah, yeah, because I was like
I never post pictures of me and Cliff.
You know?
Anyway, I'm gonna go settle-- I'm gonna go settle in.
-Okay. -Hey, but did you guys get my email?
-About the video? -Yes.
-We did, yeah. -Okay, you can do it.
Oh yeah, of course. We'll get right on that.
Yeah, we've just been like so slammed
helping Mel with everything, so...
Mm-hm. Yeah. That makes sense.
Anyhoohoo, your tent is like right over there.
Yeah, it's down there somewhere. I'll find it, okay.
-It's good to see you guys. -Yeah.
Bye.
She's got a boyfriend?
Catch up, Nate.
Fuck.
God.
Oh, no.
Oh, my gosh.
Mel, I'm sorry I'm so late.
I was swamped with work stuff, you know.
It's okay, it's okay. Oh, my God, I'm just so glad you're here.
-Can I help you with your bags? -No, no, I got it, I got it.
No, I'm the one that should be helping you.
-It's your big day. Weekend, I mean, geez. -Oh, my God.
-Wow. -I know.
Mel, I mean, oh, my gosh.
I know, I'm like-- I'm like so excited I just like--
you know, it took me forever to find a place that was like truly off the grid.
So we can just like...
unplug, you know what I mean?
Oh, yeah.
So like there's no... on purpose?
Oh, not for three whole days.
Welcome to the real FaceTime, baby.
Ooh, that is--
that is so insane.
Ta-da!
I totally would have gotten you a cabin,
but they got snatched up so quickly.
I'm a dick. I should have made a reservation earlier.
Oh, my gosh.
Melanie, this is so sweet.
It's so you.
Thanks, yeah.
I really just wanted you and Cliff
to feel comfortable and relaxed.
Ah, he couldn't make it. He couldn't come.
Oh, no, is everything okay?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, oh, you know-- you know Cliff-- I like Cliff. I do.
I just--I don't know if want a bunch
of pictures together with him, you know?
At your wedding.
Yeah.
Um, this isn't about Sam, is it?
Oh, God, no. No.
Okay, 'cause I-- I just really don't think
that you should even go down that--
Yeah, I--yeah, I-- totally, me too.
So do I.
Okay.
I'm really glad you're here. Have you said hi to Greg yet?
Oh, my gosh, no. Is he here?
I'm kidding. I'm kidding!
I'm kidding, of course.
He's really nervous. It's really adorable.
I'm so happy for you, Mel. I really am.
I've really, really missed you.
No, me too, me too.
When I got your invitation, I was like,
"Yay, it's still happening!"
All right, I'm gonna let you get settled in.
-Great. -Okay, love you.
Love you, love you.
-Hi. -Hi.
Oh, my gosh, there's no cell service.
I know, it's like Guantanamo Bay.
At least they got to post pictures.
Uh...
-You are horrible! -You are worse!
-No, you. -Yes, you.
Okay, if this wasn't all surrounding a vagina, I'd get with it.
-Yeah? -You are seriously putting the lotion in my basket.
Oh, my God, I hope you're putting that in the ceremony, that was beautiful.
I'm mostly quoting Taylor Swift. She'll love it.
Hey, hey.
- What? - Is Sam here?
She's not here. I think she's flying back from Thailand.
-What? -What?
Was she alone?
I don't know who was with her.
- What are you guys being so secretive about?
Nothing. We're starting a cult.
-Yeah. Yeah. -Let's get you initiated. This might pinch.
It's blood. I'm drinking the blood of a pig.
Yeah, I'm getting the brand ready.
Okay.
She's just so awkward.
Well, she just went through a breakup.
We were so close in college and then we were supposed
to start an a cappella group after graduation, and nothing.
She just flaked. Like she flakes on everything.
I just-- I feel for her.
She really only thinks about herself.
Yeah.
Is this okay here?
Hi. Are you waiting?
I'll be quick.
Just a sec.
We have antibacterial spray, wet wipes.
Nose plug.
What, you're not gonna poop for three days?
I may never poop again, thanks.
Dude, you did not. Chateau Lafitte!
Nothing but the best for your first wedding, man.
You're an asshole, man!
-Hey, Greg. -Jessica, what's up?
Hi.
Yeah, that'll do, sure.
All right, so what year is this?
Is the same stuff from the basement that tasted so good with the sausage?
Dude, that stuff would taste great if you paired it with a dog turd.
Oh, man, it would taste good if you drank it with a glass of garbage.
It would taste great if you drank it,
threw it up, and then drank it again.
It would taste good with truffle fries!
Blech! Truffle fries, am I right?
- No, no, no! Stop! Stop! Jesus! - They're good.
Stop. No, no, Bri.
-Brian, you can't park here. You have to move your car. -What's up, sis?
- Stop, put me down. Put me down.
Hey, how's anybody supposed to find this place?
Why don't you just get married underwater
or in the Grand Canyon?
-That's still a thing, right? -Aw, no, no, no.
Shut up. Hey, my tent better have a door.
Because I am not not hooking up at your wedding!
This one?
Oh, my God, it's...
Yes, so chew that slowly
and then sip the Sancerre.
Shut your face.
I know, it's organic and humanely farmed.
I don't care if they butt fuck goats to get it. It's delicious.
Hey, I'll grab that. You don't need to--
No, no, I got it. Actually, I'm gonna give you two.
You bet.
Why is organic such a big deal anyway?
My mom used to feed me Velveeta from the Winn-Dixie. I still turned out.
Didn't she also like try to leave you at a fire station?
Oh, hold on, everybody. Betty Draper wants to say something.
Since when are you a smoker?
I have always been a smoker, Peter.
I do not recall that.
You know that one cigarette
-has like 7,000 chemicals in it? -Okay.
-Is that true? -It's true.
My aunt was a smoker and I used to send her
scary emails about how fast it'll kill you.
Oh, well, guess I'm a dead woman.
I don't think that's true. Let me check that out.
-Oh, sorry, babe. -Siri, search Myrna.
Siri not available. You are not connected to the Internet.
It's the cilia. It paralyzes cilia in your lungs and your trachea.
-You have service? -No, I just know that.
-You know, you can still smoke in restaurants in Tokyo. -Oh, yeah, how was your trip?
Oh, man, we found the sickest apartment right outside of Ginza.
It was so beautiful. Mel, I saw photos.
Oh, yeah, it all just like happened really quick.
Everything's so small there, right,
but we found this two-story penthouse with a roof deck
and like a koi pond that surrounds this Kabuki theater thing.
We'll have like some theater parties or something.
Does it smell like money? I bet it smells like money.
I would literally die to live there.
Wait, are--
Are you guys moving to Tokyo?
Greg's finally getting crowned King of the douche bags.
He's been talking about Tokyo for like a year.
Yeah, about as long as you've been talking about getting a boat.
No, it's just 'cause of his work.
It just like happened really fast and...
I mean, we've known for a little while.
No, no, no, it wasn't definite
until, you know, we just signed the lease.
And he's gonna go after the honeymoon.
How long are you gonna be there?
-Not that long. -Couple of years probably.
That's amazing. I love Tokyo.
-When did you go to Tokyo? -I didn't.
What's up, guys?
-Hugh! -We made it!
- How the hell did you guys find this place?
How's it going?
Come here, you French son of a bitch.
I'm not French, Greg.
I'm American. I only live in Paris.
Yeah, but you speak French, right?
Wait a minute, what is this? Is this Rita?
-That's Rita. -Rita!
Hey, man.
Hi.
Oh, you gotta meet her. This is Rita right here.
-Oh, my God, Rita, hi. It's nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.
I've heard so much about you.
-Hi. I'm Nate. I'm Wendy's husband. -Hey.
Hey, what's up, man?
-Wendy? -Yes.
Oh, my God.
We met before. We--yeah.
-You look the same. -I do?
You look exactly the same.
She does.
Come here.
Sorry, cigarette smoke.
Pretty psyched about the Tokyo thing.
I fucking love sushi, you know?
Mm, yeah.
- It's been forever. - Yeah.
- Are you still singing? - Yeah.
And I also have an Etsy account.
And I sell organic facial products.
-That's amazing. -Thanks.
-I'm not surprised. -Oh, thanks.
I was a little bit when she started it.
-Do you want some moose cheese? -I'm good, man, thanks.
It's really good.
Mm.
That stuff's expensive as shit.
-Hey, babe, let's leave some for the guests, babe. -Want to share this?
Peter and Vince wanted some. Do you wanna make a plate?
-Yeah, just give me a second. -Okay. You good?
-It's so good. Oh, my gosh. -Oh, I know, it's--yeah.
You should try it. You want some?
No, wedding dress tomorrow, you know.
Are you mad at Rita?
Is it because she's so beautiful it hurts your eyeballs?
Fucking Tokyo?
I'm her best-- I'm her best friend.
How did I not know about this?
Like, what is-- what is happening?
Jess, I'm sorry,
but cut her some slack. She's getting married.
I know, I know, and I am happy for her.
But you know, it's like first she has her engagement party without me.
You were out of town.
They couldn't move Burning Man, you know?
I mean, I just...
Did you and Vince record your video, by the way?
Because I have to start editing.
Well, is it a have fun in Tokyo message or a wedding message?
It's for the fucking wedding, dude.
I didn't know that she was moving
to the other side of the world.
Okay.
So can you please just record yourself
saying something dopey and wedding-y
and something nice to remember us by, and I'll just--
I'll be back, okay.
Jess.
I'm sure she was going to tell you.
Oh, my God.
Hello.
Hey.
Hi, hey. Hi.
Hey, um, can you restart your--
I just need you to restart your router.
I have some--some--
I have some business I need to attend to right away
and I have no cell service, so come on, man.
Excuse me, come on, man!
He was aware. I mean, I saw him. He was right there.
Oh, my God, Brian.
You scared the shit out of me!
Jessica, what is up?
-No. -What?
-Just, no. -You don't have to--
I'm just saying hi, you know?
Checking on you. Since Samantha is coming.
Yeah, so?
I think what she did to you is terrible.
And I checked out some videos
-on LubeTube, and the three of us-- -Oh, my God!
Only if you like wanted to. You know, like a revenge thing.
-If there's--okay! -No!
-Okay.
-Go! -Okay.
I'm going.
Get outta here.
-Go. -Okay.
I'm not saying the FBI isn't good.
I'm just saying they would have been better if they let me in.
To do what?
Come on, they always need guys like me.
-Totally. -You know Rita was almost in the--in the CIA?
-Really? -Yeah.
She can do everything. Scale buildings, hack a phone.
Paralyze a man in 1.8 seconds. She's amazing.
They were always the perfect couple,
but they were just always dating other people.
-We didn't know. -No, he knew.
-You didn't know, but he knew. -No.
Yes, he would always show up at our a cappella concerts,
- like every single one. - -How could you not see it?
I was terrified. You guys, I was so scared the night we hooked up.
I knew it was gonna be a thing.
-It was my birthday. -Yeah.
Yeah, Melanie came over and she was like, "Oh, my God,
Wendy and Nate are hooking up," and I was like,
"I only rented this place for three hours."
I pretty much nailed the five-by-five,
and then--then I tried it with a draw instead of being low ready, so...
Is he still talking about golf?
-Guns. -Wait, Peter,
-you've never been to a firing range? -Go figure.
Oh, man, all right, you and Vince, you gotta go to my place.
My guy'll take good care of you.
Yeah, I'm not really a fan of guns.
Well, I mean, in theory I get that,
but in practice, they're great, man.
Have you ever killed a man?
-Course not. -I have.
Marine Corps, seven years.
Third Reconnaissance Battalion.
But that's not to say you shouldn't have fun at gun practice.
Oh.
Thanks.
So, Peter, you're gay now?
No, Brian, we're just holding hands like straight men.
Oh.
But you had a girlfriend in college?
I was engaged, yeah.
So is this weird for you? Being at a wedding?
Having sex with women was weird for me,
Brian, not the getting married part.
But now you're gay?
Yes, now I'm gay.
So it's called Give Just One.
And everyone posts their good deeds
that they do and then everyone else can go and see it
and get inspired to do their own good deed.
Only one?
Why just one? What if I wanna do two?
That's a different business model.
Okay, so how does it make money?
Well, I mean, it doesn't yet.
She doesn't need to make money, Wendy.
Her husband's a gazillionaire.
Well no, no, I want it to make money. It's just--
Well, it's gonna be really hard.
I mean, it takes a lot of work.
Why don't you help me?
I would love to, you know,
-but you're moving to Tokyo. -So?
So you're gonna be busy, you know, doing wife stuff.
You probably--you have to learn Japanese.
Never mind. Never mind.
I just--you know, I just think maybe now
isn't the best time to start a business, you know?
Your life is pretty chaotic.
How's the blog going, Wen?
Oh, the parenting thing? - Yeah.
Yeah, I did two entries and then I stopped.
No one wants to hear from a prisoner.
So...
How'd you guys meet?
High school, yeah.
I was best friends with her brother,
and those were some pretty tough sleepovers.
Wait a minute. Hugh, didn't you go out with Wendy in college?
Oh, no, no, no.
I had a pretty debilitating crush on her,
but I wasn't her type.
What was her type?
Anyone but me.
Nate, Nate was her type.
-Of course, he's her husband. -Yeah.
No, I was the ugly duckling in school.
No girlfriends, much less a Wendy.
Yeah, but you're a rock star now.
Ah, I got lucky, man.
I'm--I'm sorry, what do you do?
Oh, man, Hugh has three albums in the top 10.
Ah.
What?
That's--wow.
The argument isn't whether or not he's funny, Mel. He's a sexual predator.
A predator? Okay, you're really one to talk about being a predator.
-What? -Well, I'm sorry, but like, you're pretty adventurous.
-So? -I mean boundaries aren't really your thing.
I'm adventurous, but I have never accosted someone
in a public space and masturbated on them.
Um...
Uninvited.
Look, you have to draw a line with this.
Oh, my God, we were at a comedy club.
No, it's-- the line is all we have.
Don't you get that? Before these motherfuckers--
fuck, before these motherfuckers had consequences,
this shit happened all the time and nobody cared.
-That's true. -Okay, so what are you doing to change the world?
Oh, what, OverTheShirt.com?
Do you really think that's a fucking good idea?
I told you that in confidence.
I'm sorry, it's not like you haven't left any damage
in your wake, and you're really one to talk
about appropriate sexual behavior.
Okay.
So did you go to the Women's March?
Jess!
Come on, Jessica.
It's cool, Mel, just go back to your party.
Hey!
Come on, Jesus.
Can we not talk about sexual assault?
It came up, okay? We were making, you know, normal conversation.
-Why are you attacking me? -Me?
What about all that shit about Tokyo and my chaotic life?
You didn't tell me you were moving.
How am I supposed to take that?
I mean, Christ, Mel.
Is this because of Sam? Because technically she broke up with me.
No, I'm not discussing her with you.
Right, because she's your new best friend.
Oh, my God, why do you have to make this about you?
Jesus, this is my wedding.
Okay, and I'm a little upset that you
haven't taken a more proactive role.
-Like what? -I don't know.
How about planning a bachelorette party?
Even Greg gets a crown of dicks.
How do you think that makes me feel?
-It can't be good. -My God, Jessica.
What did you want me to do? Did you want me to, I don't know,
hire a stripper, slip everyone Molly,
just do shots every time we all wished our phones worked?
I mean, aren't we a little old for this?
Oh, to celebrate my happiness?
That is not what I meant.
Okay, so you have time to run three Instagram accounts,
but you can't manage to show up to my engagement party?
-You were already engaged! -That's not how it works!
Why does there have to be a party?
Jesus Christ, I honestly feel like you just
can't be happy for me.
No, I am, I am happy for you.
No, you're not.
And you've made fun of this wedding every step of the way,
and you've made it painfully clear that you don't like Greg.
No!
-I never said I--I never said I didn't like Greg, never. -No, you did.
You did, when I had my little breakdown. You said it.
I never said those words.
What I said was I didn't think that you really loved Greg.
-Oh, my God! -And I didn't want you to settle.
-You don't get it. -I didn't want you to settle
because I didn't think that your flesh burned for him, okay?
Or that you guys shared one heart and one mind.
But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm missing something.
Is that what's going on?
You know, but I can't-- I don't know because you and I,
we haven't spent any time together.
Oh, my God, I've been planning a wedding!
We've been friends for 20 years. Just fucking get on board.
Oh, and if you fuck my brother, I will never forgive you.
I'm not gonna fuck Brian.
Nobody fucks Brian, and you know it!
Hey.
No, no, Brian, no!
Damn it!
-Oh, my God. -Is it done?
Not until it percolates.
This is how murders happen in the woods.
-They're waiting for coffee. -Good morning.
Hey, mwa, how'd you sleep?
Not great. I feel like I like the idea of camping.
- He wasn't really asking. - I slept great.
I took two Ambien and went right to night-night.
This is just about there.
Is there a Starbucks in town?
Should we drive there and then maybe stay there?
If you need a Starbucks, I can get you one,
but it's at least an hour drive.
Since when did you start taking sleeping pills?
How do you think I fall asleep after sex?
Oh, so only once every six months.
Bingo, percolation.
Holy shit.
Hey, Hugh! Morning.
Save us some coffee, okay? We gotta shower off.
Oh, let us know if you need any help.
- We will. - Okay.
I'm right here.
- Morning. - Morning.
My tongue feels like a squirrel got trapped in there.
Can I borrow one of your guys' toothbrushes?
- No. - Sammy!
Hide me. Hide me.
- Jess. - Okay.
Sorry I had to come late.
That's okay, we canceled everything.
Good, you're making a huge mistake.
Oh, I know.
-Hey, can I have some of this coffee? -No, no, no!
Shit! Oh, my God!
Fuck!
Oh, fuck.
Oh, my God, that was our day one coffee.
What?
You don't bring coffee for a week
when you're only staying for two days.
I mean, not when you're also carrying your bed,
your food and all your clothes.
-God, camping is fun. -I'm sorry.
Yeah, well you should be. I'm about to kill all these nice people.
- Hey, guys. - Sam!
Good to see you.
Peter. Hey Nate, how are you?
I'm good, really good. Yeah. Medical supply is really--
You've got to-- it was rhetorical.
Oh.
Hey, Jess.
Hey. Hey, Sam. How's it going?
Good, really good.
Seriously, who's got the freaking coffee?
-I'll get our day two coffee. -We have coffee.
The hazelnut shit? No thank you. Tastes like toenails.
Fine, then we don't have any coffee.
- Fine. - I'll be back, you guys.
I'll see you guys in a second.
You know, Evan calls this our goose juice.
Not now, honey. Here you go.
Yeah.
Oh, Sam.
Oh, what if they find us in here?
Oh, God.
Oh, Sam.
Hello? Oh!
Sorry, I--I thought I heard my name.
No, I think I was just--
I was listening to some music on my--my phone.
Sure, yeah.
That's probably what I heard. Uh...
I'll let you get back to the... songs.
Nice to see you.
Mel.
Hey.
Mel, hey.
I wanted to--
-Are you meditating? -Oh, my God!
-Hey, hi. -Can we do this another time please?
I'm really trying to meditate every day.
No, I just need to say something to you, okay?
I'm sorry if I made you feel
like I didn't want to be a part of this.
I do.
And I really like Greg.
He's fun, and you guys are-- you're so great together.
You know?
I just--I didn't expect him to steal you
away to Tokyo, but...
Can I please, please still be your maid of honor?
-Of course. -Oh.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, my God, of course. Oh, my God.
-Yeah. -I--I've just been so stressed out,
and like, oh, my God, I know that you like Greg...
-Yeah. -...and I know you would never fuck Brian.
Nobody fucks Brian.
-Nobody fucks Brian. -Right?
No, Greg and I did--we did go through a rough patch.
It's just that we're good now.
I really wanted to share that with you,
just like I felt weird.
Yeah, well, please share it. I want--I want to hear this stuff.
You know?
You guys have the best website.
You went? You didn't even leave a comment!
Of course I went. I'm the maid of honor.
I had to hate every photo you chose of me.
You know Sam's here.
Yeah, she--I saw her and she-- she said it was nice to see me.
-Okay. Okay, that's good. -Yeah. Yeah.
-That's good, everyone's moving on. -It's good.
Yeah, it's good.
Yeah.
Yep.
So, put me to work. What do you need?
Oh, come on.
Wow, scotch before noon. It's a bold choice, Gregory.
Honey, I am so glad you're here.
I forgot to tell you. I fell in love with a 20-year-old.
Oh, easy on the alcohol, mister.
We have a wedding tomorrow.
Get out of here, woman, you old ball and chain.
Oh.
Watch it, she's mine. Forever.
-Hey, baby. -Hey.
Ready to go?
You know what?
I think I'm just gonna chill out here, if that's okay.
Are you stoned?
Are you a ninja?
What the fuck, Vince? How can you--
You--you don't get high.
Well...
You said you wanted to walk around before the games.
I do.
But my friends are here, so...
can we do it tomorrow?
The wedding's tomorrow.
Right.
Well, can we do it later, like... Thursday?
I'm gonna do that walk.
-Okay. -All right.
-Love you. -Mm-hm.
Come on, dude. I know you're in there.
Excuse me. That door you're pounding on is state property.
-Can I help you? -Yes, sorry.
I--I was here yesterday, and no one answered so...
So you decided to completely ignore that
and pound away on the door again.
Sign says 12 to two, so...
Just gonna go right here.
You probably shouldn't be a ranger
if you don't like rules and stuff.
Thanks for this. I--I--
my phone is almost dead
and I need to record a message for my best friend's wedding so...
That's why we're-- oh, here we go.
But you know, you probably knew that.
They probably told you why we were coming, so...
There we go, yes.
Perfection.
It's nice having this place all to ourselves.
Been kinda dreading it, you know? Personal reasons.
My ex is here and we had a pretty awful breakup and...
Hey, would you mind, um, restarting your router?
I had a WiFi connection yesterday.
-WiFi? -Yeah, you probably just need to reboot it.
Yeah, it was yesterday I got the Iternets.
I'm not sure how that's possible.
Only Internet we have is that one.
Ugh. That's unfortunate.
-Well, you know, if you have a phone line. -We do.
-Great. -Doesn't work.
Okay, so then how do you get the internet?
I don't.
So no hotspot, no ethernet connection,
even though the website very clearly states
free WiFi at the campgrounds.
I don't check the website.
-No Internet. -Right, yeah, you said that.
I've been out here off the grid for almost three years now.
Wait, so how do you...
communicate? How do you talk to people?
I'm talking to you.
I know, yeah, but I mean,
if there's an emergency, you know?
And you can't--you can't text or email anything.
Sorry, it's just-- it's not charging. Is this outlet working?
-No electricity. -What? What the fuck?
I mean, Jesus, dude, this is--
this is a weird life you've chosen.
So you just sit here in the dark
waiting for people to come talk to you?
I mean, don't you ever get lonely?
Don't you?
You don't know me.
I'm not fucking lonely.
You're fucking lonely, you weird fucking freak.
-Hey. -Would you stop running off? I'm not good with hills.
I was just at the ranger station
where, I mean, he's less a ranger and more like
this freakish hermit, but I guess that's what happens
when you cut all the funding from national parks.
There's a ranger? Is he cute?
Yeah, but like I said, he's creepy.
Like Quiet Place creepy.
I'm having weirdness with Vince.
Okay, what kind?
He's just so on top of it. Keeping everybody hydrated.
Chatting about how we should all come back
and camp again in the fall?
God, I can't breathe.
Okay, well, did you tell him to take it down a notch?
Should I have to?
I don't know, I mean, he's older than you, Peter.
He's probably just trying to impress your friends,
show you he can keep up.
Did you just call my boyfriend old?
He's not?
-What the fuck, Jessica? -No, no, no, I didn't mean--
Yes, he's older than me, but Jesus,
you don't have to say it like that.
That's not what I meant. No, you--you--you said that, you know,
you're super self-conscious about looks and age and stuff.
-Oh, my God, stop. Stop. -No, no, hey, wait. Hold up.
No. No, you said that-- you said that the gay community
has always been super harsh about that stuff. I don't care. It's you.
Fine, I did say that, but you're a shit for bringing it up.
Hey, look, I think he's great.
If he had any desire to date women,
I would go out with him.
You'd go out with a vegetable
if he could blink "you look pretty."
Jess. You okay?
Yeah, never been more relaxed and easygoing.
Okay, see you there?
Yeah, see you there. See you there. See you there.
We should probably check in with the sitter.
So check in.
Well, don't you wanna come?
Honey, volleyball.
Can you please tell them, please?
-All right, all right. -It's such a good story.
I literally talked a guy off a ledge.
Straight outta the movies.
So freaky. When was this?
Couple of months ago. Good-looking guy, too.
Fit, nice calves. Probably did a lot of cardio.
Wouldn't have thought he was a jumper.
That's amazing, Greg.
- Yeah. - Hey, Sam, come on.
Excuse me, I told Vince I would
give him a bump-set clinic.
Showoff.
Don't hate the all-state, baby!
Uh, so how do you two know each other?
Work.
Jess is Melanie's best friend from high school.
Hey, and college. And after school.
Yeah, she's the pretty one. I'm the funny one.
-Stop saying that. -Mm.
Nice.
So what kinda music do you do?
I'd love to hear your stuff.
Oh, you probably have. How old is your son?
He's six.
You heard of Boom Kapow?
Shut up. You're in Boom Kapow?
He is Boom Kapow. He writes all the songs.
Oh, my God. Evan loves them, and so do I.
-Really? -Yeah.
Oh, thank you, that's sweet.
I try. I try to write for adults
I mean, 'cause, if you have kids, why do you need to suffer, right?
And most successful songs are love songs anyway, so...
Oh, will you sing one?
-Oh, God, no. -Yeah.
Babe, please, come on. The one that you wrote last weekend. Sing it.
I'd love to hear it. I've never known a songwriter.
Fine, all right.
It goes something like this.
Let's go!
Wow, that is, that is a hit, my friend.
Thanks, man. It's nothing.
Wow! Oh, hey!
That's a hit.
Come on.
Little high. I got it!
Yeah, I got it!
Oh, you down.
-You set? -Yeah, serve it.
You don't have to say it like that.
Yeah!
Whoo!
I'll be back in an hour!
Sports, sports, sports.
I love athletics!
Beer?
Whoo!
One, two, three!
-Cheese! -Cheese!
When I die, bury me in artichoke dip.
Are you having fun?
-I am. -Yeah?
I mean surprisingly.
You know, just, I mean with everything.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I know.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Tomorrow, do you wanna get ready with me?
Like in my tent?
-Or like? -Yes.
-Really? -Oh, my God, yes!
-Oh, God. -Of course.
Oh, hon, you need a shower.
There are showers here?
Oh, my God.
Oh, that reminds me. Can we...
I'll be right back.
- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.
He's a perfect mix of you and Wendy.
I can't believe it. He was a baby when I last saw him.
Yeah, we're gonna have a birthday party for him this weekend.
-Oh? -Oh, you guys should come.
That'd be awesome. Oh, my God, we'd love to.
We'll put you on the Evite. It's gonna be at this trampoline gym.
-You're gonna love it. -Oh, my God, I love it already.
-So fun. -Yeah.
Oh, babe, let me get you another one.
Okay, thank you.
-Fun. -I'm excited.
Yeah.
Well, he is a catch.
-Yeah. -Well done.
Thank you.
Why would he even invite us?
I mean, would I also attend a funeral
of a person I barely know?
You said you want to see his kid.
No, no, I said I hadn't seen him.
Okay, honey, when we have kids,
we're gonna have to go to these parties.
Oh, stop talking about this.
Blah, blah, blah blah, la la la la.
Peter, you're being every unattractive about this.
I'm unattractive?
You're suddenly a giddy soccer mom committing us
to bouncy houses and squealing toddlers on a Sunday morning.
Oh, well, I guess I'll just blow off
reading the New York Times--
Okay, you don't read the New York Times.
What about what I want?
Oh, my God, speaking of shrieking toddlers.
No, I'm just not 100 years old.
What--what did you say to me?
Sorry, I--
Vince, I'm sorry!
Look, I love you, and this is fun, but...
I'm just not ready to act like an old married couple.
I'm an adult, Peter,
and I'm not gonna apologize for that.
I'm gonna-- I'm just gonna go for a hike,
and I'll--I'll be back in time for dinner.
Knock, knock.
-Jess, what the-- -Oh, shit, sorry. I--
-What are you doing here? -I didn't--do you want me to go?
I brought you-- I brought you a beer.
No.
Thanks.
Did you also bring my sweatshirt?
Oh, did you-- did you want that back?
You hiding from Brian?
Oh, God.
He looooves you.
Ever since we were kids.
I get it.
So, um, how's the shower?
Is it like freaky and outside?
No, it's actually really refreshing. You should try it.
I will. I will. Yeah. I'm gonna do that.
I just, you know, got all this maid of honor stuff,
-and it's just... -Yeah.
-It's been so much work. -I know.
Did you ever think when we introduced them that...
that they would be the ones getting married?
No.
Are we doing speeches tonight, do you know?
Do you think we should talk about what--
No, I think we're good.
No, because I feel like, you know, um--
I tried calling you, you know, after everything,
and I just-- I just want you to know
-that I was not okay with them firing you. -Hey, that's okay.
We were in a consensual relationship. It was not your fault.
Well, I'm not supposed to fuck my employees, so...
-It wasn't like that. -Well, I think when you kept sending those emails,
they took it as a bad thing, and then it--
you know what? It's done.
It's over, and I don't wanna rehash--
I was just trying to get you to talk to me.
I don't want to talk to you.
I did not want to talk to you.
Yeah, you just shut me out.
After everything we've been through, it just--it just--
I was hurt, Jessica.
I fucking...
I lost everything.
I left my marriage, my job.
I blew up my whole life to be with you.
And you flinched.
And I told you that's what was gonna happen.
I knew you had no idea what was actually happening.
I didn't flinch. I--I didn't.
I just--I just didn't want you to, you know,
make all your decisions based off of me.
Yeah.
That's another way of putting it.
Sam, come on.
It's me.
I--
can't we just try again?
-Oh, we tried, Jess. -I know, I know, but...
It's too late.
Please.
Sam, I will never love anyone like I loved you.
I certainly hope not.
-What? -Classic Jessica.
Do you miss boobs?
Who misses boobs? They're everywhere.
-Yeah. -Okay.
-Cheers. -Okay.
Mm, mm.
-Oh, my God, I love this song. -I love this song!
-Honey. Honey. Honey. -Oh, my God, Nate.
I'm just-- hey, it's getting kinda late.
I thought we were gonna, you know, we need to check in.
Oh, we'll be home tomorrow.
I know that, but you know he's six years old.
He's probably wondering where we are.
He wonders if Batman is real.
Wendy, look, it'll take 45 minutes.
So we have to talk to our sitter.
So go talk to her.
You know, I have been very relaxed. I have made friends.
And I haven't said anything about the smoking or the language.
Fuck me.
I'm not okay with this behavior, Wendy.
For the record, I'm not comfortable with this.
Well I'm not comfortable sticking my finger
up your ass, but I do it.
-Yes. -Wow, I'm going home with you tonight.
Okay!
Whoo!
Thanks, Jess, you're a pal.
I don't care what anyone says.
You want a drink? And then maybe you could take a shower.
No, I'm good.
Come on. You look like you could use one.
No really. I'm not in the mood.
For a shower?
That was uncalled for.
Um...
I just talked to Sam.
Cool.
Man, we were crazy in love.
I--I didn't imagine that, right?
-I don't think so. -Yeah, but, you know I flinch,
and now it's all over. It's just...
Yeah, well, you'll find someone, Jess.
Thanks.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
You're a good egg, Greg. Yeah.
Mel, she's lucky to have you.
Thanks, Jess.
I'm sorry if I was ever weird with you.
I didn't--I really-- I didn't-- I did not mean to be.
Nah, you weren't. All good.
Okay, cool.
Because I was just worried, you know,
when Mel had her little breakdown, you know,
it wasn't like I didn't like you.
I had to take her side, you know?
But you guys just got through it.
It was so inspiring, and that is--
that is the kind of love I want.
I want to--I want be with someone who doesn't leave you
the minute that you go a little crazy, right?
Not that--no. It's not that--
she didn't go--it wasn't like she went crazy.
She didn't go crazy,
but just you know, the thing with her boss
where they had their little thing.
It was a very confusing time.
And you were rock solid through it, and that...
is what I mean, it's...
...cool. So cool.
What thing with her boss?
-Yes-- -Hey, can I talk to you-- can I talk to you for a second?
-Can I just--please. -Sure. Sorry.
-No, that's okay. -Can I talk to you, please?
I need to, um, just-- I think I maybe made a mistake.
Just promise, promise you're not gonna be mad at me.
Tell me, what's going on?
Please don't be mad at me because we were just getting
-back to being... -Just tell me, what?
Tell me what's going on.
I think I maybe told Greg
about the thing with you and your boss.
-What? -Unless you told him, because I thought you did.
What? Why--why would you do that?
Well, why were you even like talking about me?
Well, I told him that, you know, it happened
way before you guys were engaged,
so it wasn't even like you actually cheated.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Stop talking.
-I just-- -Don't say anything else.
-Shh! -I assumed that you had already worked it all out.
Well, there was nothing to work out, Jessica, okay? I ended it.
Yeah, I know, but it went on for a while,
-and you just-- you seemed really into it. -Oh, my God!
-Don't say another word. -And if that door is still open, I'm--
Stop. Stop talking.
Jesus.
You know nothing and you do not have permission
to talk about my private life with anyone, goddammit.
Je--Jessica, why--why do you destroy everything?
I...
I found someone, Jess.
I found someone to spend the rest of my life with.
I--you know, I-- Mel, I-- I said I was sorry.
You're always sorry.
Okay.
I think it's best for everyone if you just leave.
Like tonight, right now.
What's wrong with you?
- Did I follow you, or you follow me?
- I don't know. I don't know what to do. - I think you follow me.
Hey, Jess.
Um, Vince hasn't come back and
the guys think we should go look for him.
Wow. Well, I--I wouldn't worry.
I mean, he's--he's a--a Navy SEAL or something, right?
Are you leaving?
You can't leave.
Peter, I have-- I have to leave.
Hey, Vince could be trapped,
cutting off his own arm out there or something.
I don't know. You have to stay.
Peter.
Jess, I never ask for anything. Please.
Yeah. Yeah.
What was that?
I can't do this.
I can't.
Why is it so fucking dark?
Wait, my phone. Where's my phone?
Wait. Where's my fucking phone?
God!
- Vince! - -Vince, can you hear us?
Crazy night, huh?
Hey.
Are you gonna go look for Vince?
Hugh and Rita told me to stay.
No sense in all of us getting stuck.
We have a big day tomorrow.
No.
I wanted to get married in Hawaii, remember?
I kept a secret from you.
I did.
And at first it was because I was scared.
But then--but then it was because we don't talk.
We don't talk about whether we want kids
or even like how we'd feel if somebody died.
Nothing physical happened with Mark.
I want you to know that. I didn't--
I didn't cheat on you.
It was just, he confided in me.
I felt needed.
You don't need me, Greg.
And you can't be mad at me for not telling you,
because you work so much that I don't even know you.
I don't even know who you are.
And now I'm gonna be stuck on the other side
of the planet with no one to talk to but you
and you don't talk.
I don't even like Hawaii.
Is there a party gone from your campsite?
What?
No, don't.
Are you missing someone?
Yes. I think, yes.
Got a coat?
- Vince! - Vince!
Hey, look, I'm not actually with the party.
I was-- I was just leaving.
I need you to ID him in case we find him.
He's fine. I think he just fought with his boyfriend.
Okay. Is that what they taught you at ranger school?
Seriously, dude, I'm--
you can't just drag me into the woods.
Like, I'm little to no help to you.
And how do I know you're not dangerous?
You know, I think all this alone time
has made you kind of a nutjob.
Masturbating in your car.
I'm on a vision quest.
Okay. But I'm the weirdo.
A vision quest is a sacred Native American ritual...
by which an individual can summon a guardian spirit,
usually in the form of an animal
to obtain guidance or protection.
Vince!
-Vince! -Vince!
While you were out humping your Prius,
I've been immersing myself in the requisite
period of sensory deprivation.
That's why no phone, no Internet, lack of human contact.
That is the way to become capable
of calling in said guardian spirit.
The guardian spirit then helps with direction
in life for him or her, and then ushers the person
back to the tribe, infused with this
supernatural spiritual wisdom.
Trust me, I've done it before. It works.
Okay.
So how long does it take?
I've been out here three years.
Since my wife passed.
Oh.
Have you ever gotten an animal to, you know...
Psst.
Fuck you, that's an owl.
-Yeah. -What?
It's so crazy.
-Poor Peter. -Yeah.
Oh. Whoa, oh, okay.
I mean, are you-- are you sure about this? It's pretty cold.
Mm-hm.
Oh, okay, you're sure.
Oh, God. Oh, honey, that feels so good.
Um, do you wanna maybe grab the--the baby wipes?
Just--just in case. Do you wanna grab the baby wipes?
Oh, God. Hey, whoa, hey what?
What's wrong?
You know I love you, right?
You're--you're scaring me, sweetheart. What's going on?
I, um...
I made out with Hugh.
It was nothing serious. It was just first base.
It might have been third base. What's third base again?
Oh, God.
I'm so sorry.
That is--
that is so...
stupid.
Wait, where are you going?
I'm gonna go find a place to sleep.
That's what I'm doing.
Oh, God, Nate, please don't.
Well, how about please don't shove your tongue
down Hugh's throat? How about that?
I'm assuming you did.
We kissed, yes.
Well, did you-- did you touch his--
did you-- did you touch his-- did you-- did you touch--
I think I know what you're asking, but I don't even--
-Did you touch his-- -I don't really know!
Did you touch his-- goddammit, Wendy!
No, technically no!
I'm--I'm so stupid.
Nate, I've been so stupid all weekend.
I'm so sorry. I just--
ever since Evan came around, you know,
we're like-- we're not the same.
I'm not the same!
I'm cranky. I'm tired. I have no sex drive.
I feel like I'm screwing up every single second.
And I just-- I'm not the same person
that I used to be, you know?
And I want her back.
I really miss her, Nate, and I want her back.
-Well, I don't. -Yes, of course, you do.
Goddammit, Wendy, would you give me some credit?
I don't want the girl that I chased in college.
I want my wife.
I know.
My beautiful, dumb asshole wife
who just went and made out with her old college boyfriend.
Nate, please don't go.
You know, I've always felt like
I had a real affinity for cats.
-Mm-hm. Small steps. -Like I could talk to them.
Yeah, but, you know, if my parents hadn't split,
maybe I woulda stayed with it, but...
I don't know, I guess I just found people to date.
And I guess I was always more interested
in what they were thinking.
Mm-hm.
You know just to be clear, if we find him
you're on your own. I can't go back to the campsite.
How come?
Uh, because I'm pretty sure I've been uninvited.
I'm currently accused of not being a good friend,
not being "supportive."
Okay, but what about her, you know?
Okay, sure, I open my big mouth, but I fuck up one time
and she cuts the cord? Like how is that friendship?
You know?
I mean, I could think of so many times
where I thought she was mad at me.
Like, I've gone through hoops so many times for her,
and has she ever repaid the favor, like ever?
Like I just think, when am I gonna get a break, you know?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you--did you see that?
Rabbit medicine.
So could that maybe be my spirit animal?
-Could be. -Really?
Oh, my God. I--sorry. I'm just--that-- I just feel so lucky.
That's like the nicest thing
that's happened to me in months, you know?
'Cause rabbits are so cute and friendly and smart.
Rabbit is a sign that transformation is needed.
Well, everyone needs transformation.
Rabbits have survived throughout centuries,
but they're also known as nature's biggest victims.
Now that-- that doesn't sound right.
-They're always on the run. They have a back door. -Maybe--maybe it just means--
Do you always feel like people are judging you harshly?
Or maybe that you're backed into a corner and you need to lash out?
You know what? It's just a fucking bunny, okay?
It's a coincidence, and I don't accept it.
Okay, so whatever you have to do to--
Okay.
You need to stop being a victim.
Own your life.
No.
No, no, no, hey, no.
I reject your rabbit wisdom, okay?
Which is a paradox, by the way.
Those little fuckers run right into traffic, so no.
Thank you, I want a horse or a hawk.
-The quest has spoken. -No, come on, no. Fuck off, man!
I'm not even a quest person, okay?
So maybe you need to go see a movie.
You know, or watch a little TV and see how
real people behave so you can stop staring at trees
and think they're talking to you,
you weird, peyote-smoking motherfucker.
- Peyote is ingested. - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Thank God.
Maybe they found him.
Thank God. My--my friend Peter,
he's in love for the first time and...
I don't think I've ever been there for him.
Hey.
Hello!
Ranger Dan, I...
Dude, come--I don't know my way back!
Dude! Come on, hello!
Maybe if you hadn't stayed with Dad for 18 years too long,
you wouldn't have made us all miserable.
How was I ever supposed to be happy?
You know, when was I given a fucking chance?
Fucking Grandma and her fucking depression.
And fucking Aunt Chloe and her dickhead husbands
and her fucking daughter who drinks too much. That's right.
And I'm supposed to rise like a phoenix of happiness
from the swamps I born into?
Holy shit.
Fuck.
No, no, no, no.
No, goddammit, no.
I'm coming. I'm coming. Here I am.
I got him. I got him.
Okay, give me your arm.
There we go. I'll get the leg.
I got the leg. I got the leg.
Oh, my arm. I feel like my hand fell asleep.
-Go get some blankets. -I'm so sorry.
I stayed out too late and it got dark.
No, no, it's okay.
No, no. I know better.
-So stupid. -No, no, I know better, okay?
Just don't ever listen to me talk again.
Just pretend you hear blah, blah, blah, blah.
Pretend?
Hi.
You're so relaxed, man.
You really should go to a hospital.
No, no doctors. I'm fine.
You're so macho.
I love that.
Hey, I just wanna go over a couple things with you.
Since Jessica isn't here, we might wanna cut the song.
I can't do this.
'Kay.
Hey, bud, not a big deal
but Mel wants to talk to you for a second.
I don't know.
All right.
Hey.
What should we do? Should we listen?
We should not.
I don't think I can go through with this.
Okay.
Jess was right. We don't have anything in common.
I'm always working on myself, and I'm soul-searching,
and you're just like, fine.
-You're just like, all good. -Okay, wait, wait.
Jessica said that?
Last night, I said something so personal.
Something that we need to discuss,
and you haven't said two words to me.
Do you still wanna do this?
Yeah, sure.
Oh, my God.
We don't share one heart and one mind.
Everything okay?
What should I do?
Do I need to tell people we're running late or...
Just, give them a minute.
Wait! Wait!
Don't start without me!
Oh, no.
Hey, hi.
A-ha!
Peter, you have no idea what I've been through.
-Jess, you need to just-- -Peter, I know she's mad.
I know everyone's mad, but I figured it out.
The rabbit led me to the wedding.
-The goddamn bunny figured it out! -Jess?
I am not a victim!
I'm a fuck-up, but I am not a victim.
There's a difference.
Sam, I'm not gonna masturbate to you anymore.
I know you're not available,
but even if you were, we broke up for a reason, right?
Because something wasn't right.
And why am I trying to make it right?
Because the sex was amazing and oh, my God, Wendy,
the sex, I may never have sex that good again.
But that doesn't mean, you know, that we're meant to be.
Not everything is meant to be.
Actually, most of it isn't.
And, Wendy, oh, my God, oh.
God, I've always been so annoyed by how bossy you are.
But oh, God, I'm so jealous of what you and Nate have.
Like, like the Earth would implode
before the two of you would ever break up.
Jess, why don't we talk over here, okay?
And I'm not just jealous of you, okay, I am jealous of everyone.
I'm even jealous of Mel. Oh, my God, Mel.
-Jess, do not go in there! -Mel! Mel!
-Jessica! -Mel!
Hi, ho, and Greg. Oh, my God.
I feel like I won the lottery. Greg, I'm sorry I don't like you.
I want to, and I promise I'm gonna do better.
But I'm limited, and that's okay,
because I don't have to marry you, she does.
And, Mel, honey, I fucked up.
So much.
But I'm your best friend and I'm not gonna leave
just because we had a fight
or we couldn't get on the same page for a minute.
Like why is a fight bigger than knowing
how you lost your virginity or how
you stole from your bartending job
-or knowing that you think your face... -Jess.
...looks pretty when you cry?
And it does. You look so pretty when you cry.
I think you should give us a sec, okay?
I was just so scared of losing you, you know?
That I made some big, big mistakes,
but--but I am the third harmony in the song at your wedding
and I love you.
And I want you to be happy.
Even your hedge fund husband, I want him to be happy.
Jess, you need to leave.
Now.
I'm sorry.
Hey.
I think Vince is great.
I don't know if I said that.
Yeah.
Are you gonna stay or?
-Stay. -No.
Jess, I'm sure everything will settle down.
It's okay. Really.
I'm okay.
I am. Just...
take video for me, okay?
-Okay. -Okay.
I love you guys.
I love you.
Have fun, okay?
You know, we don't have to make a big deal. Let's just like say goodbye
and we'll just get it over with, okay?
Babe, babe, listen. Come here.
You're right. I don't work on myself.
I guess I don't think I need to.
Life seems pretty simple to me.
You know?
And I'm not soul-searching or anything because I--
I guess I feel like I found it.
I like kissing you.
I like sleeping with you, a lot.
I like watching you eat.
I'll bring you coffee every morning.
But I am never ever gonna want to talk about my feelings.
I mean, I'll listen, I'll try, I'll get better.
I know, I work a lot. I do.
To make money.
All right, and I'm not gonna apologize for that.
Okay, you can pray over your crystals and your candles...
but it's my magic that makes money
appear in our bank accounts, by the truckloads.
Money that pays for this wedding, for our families.
So much money that you don't ever have to work
another day in your life again if you don't want to.
But shit, Mel, I mean if--
if you want someone that's another version of you...
that's not me.
But if you want someone who's gonna be here,
who's happy to be here, then...
I'm all in.
I just want you to be happy with me.
I don't give a shit about any of that other stuff.
For the record, of course I'd have a baby with you.
What are you, fricking nuts?
What are you guys celebrating?
-Brian, God! -What? What?
Hello?
Ranger Dan, I know you're in there. Your truck's outside.
Can I help you? Station's closed.
No, I--
I know that, I'm just-- I'm here to see the other ranger.
He, uh--he lives here.
If you need shower tokens, a vending machine is out there.
No, I, um...
Thanks, I--I-- I think I'm good.
Oh.
Hello, friends, I'm pleased that we are gathered here today.
Surrounded by new friends and old
to join Melanie and Gregory together.
And it is inconceivable that you should ever part.
Wait.
- Hey. - Hey, you.
Hi, Cliff.
Oh, my God, I'm so happy you called.
Oh, hey, yeah. I'm here. Are you okay?
Yeah, I am.
I really am.
I'm sorry, Cliff, but we can't see each other anymore.
Oh. What?
Yeah, no, you're really great,
and you deserve someone really special.
Someone who treasures you.
So do I.
I actually believe that.
Jess, don't do anything hasty.
Maybe we can grab a cup of coffee when you get back.
No, we can't.
Goodbye, Cliff.
- Hey, Jess! - What are--
Yeah?
Yeah.
-Hey. -Hey.
-Are you okay? -I am. What are you doing?
Mel sent me to come find you. She wants you to come back.
Will you come? She's bummed you're not there.
-She is? -Yeah.
-We all missed you. -No.
-What? I was just-- -Hard no, Bri.
At least let me drive you back, huh?
I'm--I'm good. Thanks.
- Any advice? - Advice for the couple. Uh, game over, man.
Jess, no one asked you to do this.
- Um, actually, somebody did ask me to do it. -No, they--
Mel specifically asked me.
-Mel doesn't want this. -She does want it.
-Okay, are we gonna do this right now? Just-- -Oh, my God.
-Congratulations, Mel and Greg. -Yes.
-So excited. -We're so happy for you.
This was a beautiful wedding.
Can't believe you pulled it off. I really didn't think you would.
But it's awesome.
-Hi. -Hi.
-Congratulations, guys. Yeah. -Congratulations.
-We are--the best-- -The best wedding.
-The absolute best wedding. -We're so excited for you guys.
Very excited to be here. Had a wonderful time.
-We have had a wonderful time. -Well, we had a good time.
-Well... -And I hope you can make our wedding.
Same place, same time next year.
We'll talk about that.
Any advice? Any words of encouragement?
Greg, Mel, we love you.
-And we decided to renew our vows. -Yeah, we did.
-It's gonna be really special. -It's gonna be awesome.
So, yeah, we're gonna have like trampoline gym two.
-No, well--I didn't-- -We're gonna go back there.
-No, I didn't say anything about trampoline gym. -Probably a cake.
-Well, do you wanna... -We're waiting for you in Paris,
so as soon as you guys are done with your honeymoon,
you're gonna head straight to Paris.
Springsteen.
Ah, Springsteen. Okay, rain check, guys.
Whenever we figure out a schedule,
we're gonna call you immediately.
-But we love you a lot. -We love you, yes.
-I mean, can we have-- -I mean, I have-- I have some different ideas.
Okay, but I mean like-- but we're definitely gonna have Evan be the-- be the best man.
Yes.
And the maid of honor.
- Babe, come on, yeah. - Are you sure?
Oh, God. Okay, come on in.
-Hi. -Hi.
-We just wanna say-- -Yeah, I'm really--
I'm so happy for you guys.
And this is the best wedding I've ever been to.
And I'm not just saying that.
I promise to take care of Poopsy,
'cause I know Brian is not always the best.
I figured out the other day.
She can go like eight hours in the car.
Even in the sun, man. She's such a trouper.
And, Mel, I cannot wait to take you
on a trip after your honeymoon.
You know, one that you actually would wanna go on.
Sorry, Greg.
Oh, it's gonna be sick. We got this--
this--this two-story like suite on the top of the hotel.
I'm renting a catamaran that we're gonna take
all the way around, like a two-day kinda catamaran tour
like around a couple different islands.
And then we've got this personal chef
that's gonna come in and I'm flying him in from Milan.
And this guy, man, I-- honey, you've never had pizza like this.
Like, mm.
It's gonna be great.
We're going to Maui.
We planned it a while ago.