Sometimes I feel like a wild animal, caged in a zoo,
held captive in a habitat made to look and feel like my own.
I have everything that I need in here, but nothing that I want,
and that's when I start to make trouble.
This is my boyfriend Adam, the artist,
the actor, the king of our little kingdom.
We're five years in now, and I've never felt so loved,
so bored, so horny.
Lance, Adam's best friend and first knight,
the science teacher,
monotonizing his existence one experiment at a time.
Fantasy is defined as the activity of imagining things
that are impossible or improbable.
My fantasies are what set me free.
When the barriers dissolve
and the wild animal dreams of life in the jungle,
only to get caught in the circus.
Like Eve, cast out of Eden, banned from her paradise,
my tornado swoops in, and I'm caught in my thirties.
No career, no children, no compass.
My only life raft, a raging clitoris,
and men as my only motivation, my salvation.
It's not just my crisis, it's a global crisis, a pandemic.
My world just got a whole lot smaller.
The question is, can my cage become my chariot?
Can it take me to life beyond the reverie?
I haven't been single since I was in grade three.
It all started when I fell in love
with my two best friends, Jared and Nikki.
One day, during recess, I received my scarlet letter.
They wrote their names in bold lettering
and asked me to circle which one I wanted to be my boyfriend.
I remember that choice made me feel so goddamn powerful,
and I wanted to feel that way for the rest of my life.
Yeah, so, you know, I chose Nikki.
Obviously.
-We were soulmates. -Mm.
-You know? -Mm-hmm.
He told me he waited fuckin' lifetimes to be with me.
-Wow. -Yeah.
-It's so deep, Macy. -Right.
We were eight.
-Eight years old. -That's young.
Don't get me wrong, though.
Like, I was so attracted to Jared.
Babe, you want beer? You still drinking wine?
Yeah, wine.
And, you know, I think I kind of liked him
because he looked like me.
-Oh. -And they call this something.
I was reading about it the other day.
- It's like a... - Lance probably knows.
Genetic assortative mating.
Fuck you, you smart bitch.
Fucking A, man. That's it.
Have you ever been to Greece?
Um, no. Those are Lance's travel destinations.
Greece!
- Uh-huh. - I have an idea.
So, matchbooks are the new business cards.
There's a huge opportunity here for sure.
-We source. -Sell me on it. Sell me on it.
Half a dozen designs online.
And we sell them to hotels,
bars, restaurants, salons, whatever.
We slap on the branding. Contact info.
-And we're off to the races. -Yeah, but,
no, there's a problem though because nobody smokes anymore.
- Ah. - Mm-mm.
I still smoke.
You're an anomaly. Anyways, doesn't matter.
Everyone's just wanting to resurrect the past.
We're nostalgic for it more than ever.
It's the mid-century modern pandemic
that's really taken over.
Speaking of nostalgic...
I haven't seen one of these things since I was a kid.
Careful, Lance.
That's my phantom cock.
Your what?
Yeah. I always felt like I had one.
And that's it personified in an inanimate object.
- Actually? - Uh-huh.
- Babe. - Why?
- Babe. - Do you want it? Take it.
-It's yours. -Don't, man.
That's voodoo shit right there.
No, she said it's mine. It's all mine.
It's the ghost dick.
Hey. Hey.
-Hey. -You okay?
-Yeah, I'm okay. -You're just-- You're quiet.
-I'm sorry. -It's okay. It's-- it's late.
Yeah.
You think that we could maybe wrap it up soon?
Yeah. Yeah, no, they're gonna go.
-I've talked to Adam. -Okay. Great.
Do you...
Do you guys want to play a board game or something?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Games give me anxiety. No. I'm going for my smoke.
I'm gonna go for one.
Lance, I'd prefer if you didn't.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. It's good. Yeah.
So you really feel like you have a ghost stick, huh?
Yeah.
Huh. Cool.
What am I supposed to be seeing here?
Well, it's a little cloudy right now, but...
I had this pointed at this perfect semicircle of stars
called the Corona Borealis.
You actually call it that?
Yeah.
What does that mean?
It means northern crown.
It was a gift from the Greek god, Dionysus
given to the Cretan princess, Ariadne.
You know, your eyes are like the world cut in half.
No.
Yeah.
You have this bluish-green oceanic crust
around the outside.
There's a mantle ring of fiery orange
that outlines your pupils.
And that's when I say it's story time.
What's up?
Don't you recall when we were young lads
and we would play under the trampoline?
You and me fantasizing
about where we would travel in the world.
I'm good.
My-- my-- my man, Lancealot.
He's got to learn to dance a lot.
He puts his mind and body in a trance a lot.
Then he gets his hankies not in the right chat.
Fuck it.
Yes!
We're not being too COVID safe out here, are we?
We ain't being too COVID safe.
I'm so fucking baked.
That's just inappropriate.
Dude, don't pretend like you know what you're doing.
I want a child.
-I have some. -I want like, nine of them.
I have some.
We have an early morning tomorrow, Lance.
Yeah, you guys should go.
Macy was off the hook tonight, huh?
Hm?
Yeah, I think she had like three sparkling waters.
She's good for him, though.
Can you hurry up? You're taking forever.
Deja vu.
Yeah. No shit.
Every goddamn weekend.
But we're having a good time.
Mm.
No more screens.
Just dreams.
Gwynn...
I need your help.
After gifting him with a white bull
that was to be sacrificed to the gods,
Poseidon learned that King Minos had disobeyed him,
keeping the bull for himself.
Out of fury, Poseidon cursed Queen Pasiphaë to fall in love
and fornicate with the beast,
a carnal act that resulted in the pregnancy
and the subsequent birth of the infamous Minotaur,
the half-bull, half-man creature,
and Minos imprisoned him in the labyrinth
on the island of Crete.
M'lady.
You sure pulled the ripcord last night, huh, bud?
Yeah.
Okay.
So, I told Adam about the dream.
He was a little thrown off at first,
but he rarely gets jealous.
How was he?
Often makes me wonder
how much I could really get away with.
Why?
This dream was an omen.
Couldn't get it up?
A call to action.
But how was I going to help Lance?
You guys are gonna love this,
0the kitchen is this way. - Okay.
It has been renovated top to bottom.
Oh, my God.
The appliances are all still under warranty.
There's great stone countertops, custom cabinetry,
no expense has been spared, amazing dishwasher.
And my favorite thing about this space
is these north-facing windows.
You get this, um...
Oh, uh, it is this one.
Obviously, this will become much more familiar
- when you live here. - When we live here, yeah.
So...
Macy and I met online.
We've been together for seven years.
We're good together. It's easy.
There's rarely any drama. There's nothing.
And you guys obviously have kids?
- No. - Oh.
- Not yet, not yet, yeah. - Plenty of time.
When are you due?
Well, it's just a couple of weeks.
Oh, my God.
She has all these plans for us.
Goals.
You're not working towards something, what is there?
What's the point?
I have an older one, but I'm just, you know...
- Oh, it's the second. - Oh, just as scary
Oh, my God.
Yeah, just scary the second time, I think.
I'm the kind of person who needs restriction.
Put it on myself intentionally.
So, do you guys want a family?
Well, yeah, yeah, of course. It's in the plan.
Macy's simplicity gives me some peace of mind.
...and then you're like,
"Oh, no. Do I want to have another one?"
You know, the time just ticks on by.
That's true. That's a good point, yeah.
No, I-- We've been wanting--
I've been wanting to tell him, so.
Being with her has been like...
Like taking a break for myself in a weird way.
In a good way.
- Babe. - Huh?
Babe, your phone's ringing. It's your mom.
Don't answer it.
What if it's an emergency?
It's not.
I don't understand why you never answer your phone.
Did you fill out your EI report?
Yeah.
Where are you going?
For my speed walk.
Namaste, babe. Have a good class.
I met Gwynn through her ex.
Roger and I became fast friends.
The kind you make
when you're going through big changes in life.
For me, it was a divorce.
At the time, I couldn't relate to my friends
because I was too busy reinventing myself.
That changed when I met Roger at a warehouse party.
He was unlike anyone I knew.
And that was everything I was looking for.
So, Gwynn and Roger were going through
a tough time when we met.
He would often joke around and ask me
if I wanted to take her off of his hands for him.
Our failed relationships bonded us.
But then I actually got to meet Gwynn.
And that was the beginning of the end.
Of Roger and I's friendship, at least.
They finally broke up
and we hooked up almost immediately afterwards.
"You may be her new knight in shining armor,"
Roger warned, "but just you wait.
You'll be in my position before you know it.
She's done this before. She'll do it again."
I call it her Guinevere complex.
Gwynn's dad died when she was very young.
He was a criminal and a drug addict.
She couldn't save him. And that really stuck with her.
So...
as for her mom,
well, that's a whole other story.
Let's just say, uh...
when the umbilical cord is stretched so far,
it begins to tear.
Well, I'm gonna-- I'm gonna take one of your classes.
- Mm-hmm. - I am.
Whatever, Lance. You've been saying that for years.
No, I'm serious. Macy keeps bugging me to do something
-about my back. -About my back.
- My back is fucked up. - Well, you should, Lance.
She's a miracle worker. She will heal your legs.
She will heal your back.
Why couldn't Macy come?
Oh, she's just...
She's just-- she's just tired.
She's tired a lot, eh?
Gwynn, don't be a dick.
So, shall we attempt going out later?
Ugh. I don't know how I feel
about drinking in a plexiglass display case.
It just seems so starkly futuristic and obscene.
I like being on display.
I used to pose beside the mannequins at the mall,
you know, in those glass storefronts.
Are strip clubs open? Like, what's the deal there?
That's not a bad idea.
We should-- we should hit up a show.
I would love a dance,
but I don't know how it's going to socially play out,
distance-wise.
Lap dance.
What are they doing about tipping?
- Yeah. - With COVID and all that.
Like, how does that work?
Yo, we should develop a virtual tipping app.
Could work like cam sites.
-Huh? -Hm.
- Cam sites? - Mm-hmm.
Weren't you guys considering
doing that at one point?
I could never go through with it.
He couldn't get it up. He doesn't like being watched.
I'm too traditional.
No, you're just weird for an actor.
I'm classically trained. I'm a thespian.
We have a statute of limitations.
We do not raise the dinkage.
Shit.
What about you?
How comfortable would you be with it?
Well, I like to be on display, Lance, so obviously I'd love it.
But you haven't tried it?
-No. -Hm.
Would you like me to?
Do your thing. I don't know.
It'd be kind of fucking out there.
Lance thinks you should.
You should do it, Gwynn.
You'd get a lot of views.
I swear to God.
Lance!
-I'm just saying. -Lance wants you to go in.
Wow.
Yeah, you probably would get a lot of views.
Okay. What's up? What's up, Lance?
- What's up? - What's really going on
- with you right now? - What do you mean?
I'm just enjoying my sushi, drinking some beers.
- What's really on your mind? - Nothing.
- You sure there's no subtext? - Subtext?
Something in your subterranean modular is happening.
Maybe I should give him a tarot reading,
then we'll figure it all out.
- Absolutely. - Mm.
That's what you need,
is a reading into the arcane.
I'd try that out.
Oh, look, my shirt just fell off.
Uh-oh. Oh, shit.
Say tarot and her titty pops out.
Wardrobe malfunction.
Your present, the moon.
See, the moon represents
our repressed innermost thoughts of our minds,
our subconscious trying to communicate to us
through our dreams.
It's all about embracing our shadow selves.
You are the crawdaddy crawling out of the depths
of your psychic tides.
And you, you gotta break free
and molt out of your shell.
There are hidden truths that are revealing themselves to you.
This is a time when your imagination can manifest
into your physical reality.
But...
Fuck, your soul's integrity is gonna,
it's gonna be put to the test.
And you gotta remember...
the moon's light is only a reflection of the sun's.
You know, your external world,
it-- it-- it might tempt and confuse you,
so you can't mistake the reflection for the real thing.
The illusion can be so alluring.
So, you gotta, you gotta proceed with caution.
You gotta trust your instincts.
Don't be fooled by tricks of the light.
I read somewhere
that the man in the moon was the fool.
Lance took the bait and I had him exactly where I wanted him.
Look at the moon.
Let's eat the moon.
Stare up into the moon
and every time you inhale,
picture you sucking up all of its light
through all the holes in your body.
All the holes.
Yes.
This is just like Charleston Lake.
Hm.
Still need to take you guys up there.
- Sand dunes, right? - Yep.
It's like being on the moon.
-You're from there, right? -Mm-hmm.
It's awesome up there.
My happy place.
Okay, I'm going in!
Okay!
Well, fuck it. I think we should run away together.
You can both be my boyfriends.
Why not, right?
I fucked Lance in my dream last night.
Maybe it's a sign.
-Whoa, what? -Stop it.
- Yeah? - Stop.
Uh-huh.
I'm gonna pee!
Honky guy.
So...
got any smokes...
left?
Uh-huh, I think so.
-Yes, I do. -Hm.
Let's share it.
Hm. Lucky smoke.
Make a wish.
Hm.
Mm. Mm.
So, buddy.
You ever dream about me?
I'm not telling.
She and I are...
a lot alike...
in a lot of ways.
But not in the best ways.
Sometimes, it feels like she can...
read my mind when I'm around her, like...
she can see right through me.
It's weird.
We have a lot of fun together.
We do.
But I...
definitely need to let the dust settle
for a few days after I've seen her.
Gwynn and I are like...
like sodium bicarbonate and acetic acid,
baking soda and vinegar.
Put us together, it's like...
Like a volcano erupting.
And...
I think we need to keep it in a...
In a controlled environment, is all.
Like...
I do think about being with her, but I...
I can't.
I wouldn't go there.
I would never do anything like that to Adam.
Good morning, everybody.
Today's lesson will be on global water distribution.
Hi.
- Whoa. - You're early.
Yeah, sorry, I-- I told Adam I'd meet him here.
Just come in, just come in, it's fine.
I'm supposed to pick up some groceries
-for the dinner thing tonight. -Yeah, uh-huh.
I'm gonna go
-finish my yoga class. -Okay.
But Adam should be back shortly.
He just had to get some pajamas for an audition thing,
so make yourself at home and I'll...
I'll be right back.
Okay.
Careful, Lance.
That's my phantom cock.
Oh yeah, what, do you wanna see?
Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. Oh...
Thank you, guys.
Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.
Yes, okay.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can't-- I need you--
I need-- I'm coming--
Oh, my--
That's it, yes, I'm coming--
Oh, my God, yes, I'm coming--
- Hey. - Hey.
Can I bum a smoke?
Yeah, yeah.
Got a few there.
Thank you.
So what's, um...
What is all this?
Camming.
-Oh. -Remember?
-Mm-hmm. -You inspired me?
You heard me, didn't you?
No.
-Yeah, you did. -No, I didn't.
Okay, a little bit.
Yeah?
I'm sorry, I didn't...
I don't know, it was just...
-bad time to come. -No, it's fine.
Whatever.
Just trying it out.
So far, so good, though.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
And I have this theory about it.
What's that?
Well, do you know where prostitution first came from?
Mm. Well, they say it's the oldest profession.
-Mm-hmm. -Right?
But that-- this camming...
That's not prostitution, is it?
Yeah. I mean, it's sex for money, Lance,
whether you're fucking physically or virtually.
It's the same thing.
But do you know about sacred prostitution?
Mm-mm.
Well, it's totally contradictory to how you might think
of prostitution nowadays, but way back in the day,
like 2,400 B.C. or something crazy like that,
there were these women who were worshipped in temples.
Sex was an act of ritual back then.
-Oh. -I mean,
fucking one of these women was like going to church.
-Mm. -Jesus.
So, I like to think that when I'm putting on one of my shows,
I'm channeling the goddess Venus.
And the site I use, CanYouFuckMeMate,
is merely just this modern-day platform that hosts
my love temple to the public.
CanYou-- CanYouFuckMeMate.com.
CanYouFuckMeMate, uh-huh. That's the one.
So, apparently, it's really hard to find
nice men's pajamas, like something I'd actually wear.
I can't picture you wearing pajamas.
Right?
Do you wear PJs?
Yeah.
It's healthy to sleep naked.
I don't know where pajamas were invented,
but bad for the ball sack, my brother.
You gotta let the balls breathe.
So, when's this audition?
I have to upload something by the end of the weekend.
Another heartfelt submission
into the endless cyber void of rejection
and fruitless endeavor.
So, why do you do it?
It's a disease.
Excuse me?
Six lobsters, please.
- Oh, shit. - Wow.
You think my mom would eat a whole one?
- I got this recipe online. - Oh.
Yeah, it called for dates, but I didn't have any,
so I used raisins instead.
Mom, raisins are totally different than dates.
Different consistency, different flavor.
Well, I don't know, honey.
So, don't have any then.
It looks great.
- Thank you. - Just pick around it.
So, how is it working from home?
Oh, yeah, I mean, it's-- it's fine.
I'm going into the school two or three times a week
to record stuff, but that's about it.
Oh, that must be really weird, with no students there.
I mean, a bit, yeah, but kind of getting used to it.
It's amazing how adaptable we are as a human species.
That's true.
Well, you know what?
I am so over it. There's--
there's something to be said about mental health, too.
I'm still ticked that we didn't get our refund
back on that deposit for that cruise we booked.
- Oh, that's ridiculous. - I know.
It's ridiculous.
Talk about first world problems over here.
On a real note, has anyone heard how many people died today?
No, no, no, no. I don't want to hear anything like that.
I don't want to hear the news. It's just too depressing.
Okay, live under a rock.
Adam, did you get that e-mail I sent you the other day?
The, uh, the blue chip report?
Uh, no, didn't open it yet.
Well, uh, any bookings this week?
Nope.
Well, you know what?
Thank you.
Might be time to figure out a plan B.
You know, a little reality check might be good for you.
I mean, your father and I, we didn't have anybody
- to bail us out of anything. - Mom, Mom. Please.
Spare me.
Okay, but she's got a point.
Eating dinner, like, please.
Let's have a toast. Let's have a toast, honey.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.
I'm fine. I just need--
Let's have a toast. Let's have a toast, honey.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry.
I'm fine.
Thank you for having me.
You're very welcome, Macy.
We love having you.
... a little intimidating.
It's an aphrodisiac, Mom?
Yeah. Really.
- Ooh! - Okay.
Mom and Dad are gonna sort it out after dinner.
There is no plan B.
Plan B is death, as far as I'm concerned.
Babe, don't let it get to you.
They're from a different planet.
Okay?
I love you.
I have a confession to make.
After dinner, Lance and I shared a smoke.
He revealed he had taken one of
my phantom penises earlier that day.
I was so impressed by his valiant act,
I knighted him right then and there.
And then this happened.
I started masturbating at a really young age.
Once I figured it out, I couldn't stop.
And I especially had a thing for rubbing myself
up against household objects.
I loved the kitchen table,
the stairs, the corner of my bed.
But my absolute favorite was the fridge door.
I used to cling on to it like a koala bear
as the door swung back and forth.
I think I liked the challenge of holding on
to something really difficult while receiving pleasure.
My desire to be watched, to be caught,
that's what really gets me off.
My relationship with Adam isn't dangerous enough.
It's not difficult to hold on to.
All right, you ready?
Yeah.
We're rolling, go for it.
Adam Palmer, Spotlight Talent.
Be the hero of your dreams, and sleep deep with Doze MX.
-How was it? -Good.
Look, I'm gonna need you to eat me out tonight
and then fuck me really hard.
And if I say no or if I don't want to,
just do it anyways, okay?
Copy, copy that.
Great, awesome.
-You wanna go again, or... -Yeah, I can go.
Did you like the thing with the hiding in it?
Yeah, that's great. Good choice.
- Okay, I'll do one more time. - All right.
And it keeps going on like this.
Day in and day out.
Sometimes, I organize the pantry.
Other days, I get to fuck the stove.
I wonder if real life would ever please me again.
Was Lance just a fantasy?
An escape from the times?
Or was I meant to save him, and in turn save myself?
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, dear Guinevere ♪
Happy birthday to you.
Mwah! Make a wish.
-Yay, two! Two boyfriends. -Two boyfriends.
-Two! Yay. -Sorry, Adam.
Okay, okay, guys.
So, little housekeeping.
I may have nibbled on one of the pieces.
You tried my fricking cake?
I'm sorry.
- It's just, okay. - Hey!
If you would like a chill trip,
I would recommend taking a small slice here.
Nothing too crazy, but enough crazy.
You're already tripping.
I may be lit.
If you would like a...
...to feel like a character in a video game,
I'd recommend taking two or three.
Now, if you do go down that rabbit hole,
you'll probably want to go on an adventure and embark outside.
But if you do, don't go by yourself.
-Take a friend. -Buddy system.
Yes, buddy system is now in effect, okay?
Do we have any non-mushroom options?
Unfortunately, not.
Just take a small slice, sweetie. It'll be fine.
Yeah. Happy birthday, baby.
Thank you.
- Go. - Okay.
See you later.
-Yeah. -Bye, Gwynn.
Down the rabbit hole.
Have you ever done any mirror work, Macy?
No.
It was my favorite warm-up exercise
in theater school.
It's all about listening to one another and building trust.
Don't you find no one really listens
to each other anymore, Macy?
Like really listens?
Kind of.
Let's keep each other safe.
I'll be the leader.
And you be my mirror.
Maybe we're telepathically communicating.
Mm-hm. Mm. You're starting to sound like me.
You're always in my head.
Can't get you out.
It's become physically painful to be around you.
Like it actually hurts now.
So, there's this red chair
that I see from my alleyway.
Okay, tell me about the chair.
I swear it follows me.
I've seen it move around my entire neighborhood.
But the other night, I saw you.
You sitting there.
- Really? - Yeah.
You know, watching me.
It's like I see you in everything now.
On the walls and on the surfaces of-- of things.
There's a name for that.
For what?
Pareidolia.
It's like when you see...
animals in the clouds, or a face in the moon.
It's an incorrect perception of things.
Of reality.
I remember the first time I saw a ghost.
I must have been like four years old.
It was my mother.
The stereotypical ghostly image you'd expect to see.
Floating, wearing a long, white, glowing gown.
Looking sorrowfully at me.
I ran right through her.
It was like running through a sprinkler of ice-cold water.
I was really worried, because...
I thought you only saw ghosts of dead people,
so I had to go check if she was still alive.
Sure enough, she was.
And she was in her bed, crying.
What was wrong?
I don't know.
I was four.
What about now?
I still don't know.
But the scariest time
was when I saw my father's face.
He was lying on the pillow beside me.
It was just his sad head.
With no body attached.
I didn't even know what he looked like.
But I knew it was him.
That's crazy, you never knew him.
What's the deal with your dad?
He's alive, but...
he might as well be a ghost.
The ghosts of living people.
How did this happen?
We can't keep doing this.
What are you so afraid of?
You.
I'm in love with you.
I would be really happy to take that on.
No, I totally have time. Um...
I do have a call this afternoon.
Um, that's okay. No, no, no.
It's not a problem. I'll just, uh,
I'll just move that.
Yes.
Oh. Can you hear me?
Am I back? Can you hear me?
Are you-- Okay.
Yeah. Uh, no, I will do it.
And, um, I can move the call for sure.
Yeah, no problem. Hey, Bob.
Congratulations again on your PR.
Yeah, we're all really happy.
So we'll have-- we'll have, uh, mojitos
in a-- in a few months, okay?
Okay, bye everybody.
See you later. I'll--
Yeah, okay.
Thank you.
Ooh. Thank you.
Hey. Can you pick up the pizzas, please?
-The pizzas? They're ready. -Yeah.
Now, sweetheart.
Okay.
Oh, this kitty's ready to blast off.
In five, four,
three, two, one.
Meow.
Hello, welcome.
Welcome to the moon.
We have landed.
Meow.
Hey.
Sorry, traffic was crazy.
Should've just ordered in like you said.
It's just some stupid thing that she does online.
- It's nothing. It's not, it's-- - What is it?
I don't know what-- They call it camming.
Adam and Gwynn told me about it. Sometimes--
So, Adam knows about this?
Well, yeah, it's so stupid.
You know how they are. They're crazy. They--
No, I don't know how they are.
What do you mean? They're always doing weird stuff.
You want-- You didn't tell me about it.
Obviously, there's something that is-- is secret about this.
It's not that, uh, secret.
It's just I knew that it would upset you.
That's why I didn't want to tell you.
But it's honestly like, she's-- It's just her being silly.
I watched it, Lance.
It's not her being silly.
And I was just like, they told me about it.
I thought it was like a joke, so I watched it.
It was a joke. So she sent you that as a joke.
Is that what you're telling me?
No, she didn't send that to me. She did not send that--
-Okay, so you did find it. -Yeah, well, I found it--
Can you make sense for one second, Lance?
Yes, I found it, but it was like an accid--
Like I wasn't looking, like, specifically for that.
Are you telling me the truth?
- Yes. - You came across
a website with our friend on it naked as an accident.
Yes. It's not even real.
- It doesn't mean anything. - This is such a--
It's just her being fucking stupid.
- You're lying to me. - Why am I lying?
- Because... - That's all there is.
Fuck, I'm sorry.
So you've never... done anything else?
Yes.
Yes?
What?
Oh, my God.
She was the one that was coming on to me
and she seduced me.
No one believes that, Lance.
I see the way you are around her.
She's like that with all guys.
I think I'm capable of loving more than one person.
See, I think that two men make the perfect man.
You know, like opposing twins, balancing each other out.
And me, Lady Justice in the middle.
One likes foreign films, the other likes blockbusters.
One likes to make love and cuddle,
the other likes to bend you over and fuck your brains out.
Everyone needs both.
My mother would say I'm in love with the fantasy of it all.
But the fantasy is better than the real thing.
I played King fucking Lear when I was 11.
Remember?
I'm just saying, I don't want to buy into this.
You know, bananas in pajamas.
Bananas in pajamas bull crap anymore.
I'm 33 years old, you know?
I need real, meaningful roles.
I'm talking Daniel Day, Die Hard,
blowing your fucking mind,
Brando type shit, you know? But...
Absolutely, absolutely.
Just that everyone has to pay their dues, Adam.
It's breaking my heart.
- Mom. - Seeing you
completely struggling like this.
I mean, don't you think it would have happened by now?
- Mom. - If it was meant to be?
I mean, we-- we can't keep supporting you.
This is it.
- Well, I don't... - You don't.
- No, no. - You don't.
I want to wrestle a saber-toothed tiger.
I want to kill a man with my bare hands.
I want to freeze under Antarctic ice.
I...
Frozen, I...
I want to marry a psychopath, you know?
Mom, listen.
I want to...
I want to be a psychopath.
I need something I can really sink my teeth into,
like stone-cold dramaturgy shit, you know?
When I get a role like that,
whence I get that role,
I will show you
that I'm a fucking artist.
You hear me? I'm an artist.
I'm an artist!
Acknowledge it.
Have you ever loved someone secretly?
In your little own world, guarded deep down
with all your guts?
Has your body ever been a suit of armor
protecting this forbidden love from your life?
A coma-induced love where nothing else can exist?
This love is alone, waiting for nothing.
It's too big, too unforgiving.
This love would hurt everyone,
so you break your own heart instead.
Things just got so messed up,
but we're getting there.
I mean, yeah.
We want to stay together and make this work.
Yes. As long as, like--
as long as we can stay away from Gwynn, we can manage.
Yeah, a little-- a little space for now,
it's-- it's a good thing.
No, not for now.
Forever.
Sad thing is, I bet she's gonna keep doing this.
To Adam. I feel sorry for him.
Hmm.
How could she subject herself to that?
It's disgusting and degrading.
I-- I think she-- she approaches it more like a, like a,
you know, like a sexual self-empowerment kind of thing.
Does she?
Anyway, that's all water under the bridge.
Macy and I are in couples therapy.
We started the Atkins diet this week.
Haven't had a drink since Gwynn's birthday.
I'm down to two smokes a day, so I think it's...
I think it's been all for the best.
Uh-huh.
Hm.
Ah.
Lance.
Hm?
It's still early.
Oh. Hm.
Sorry. Did you...
You want to do something?
Do I want to do something?
Yeah, sorry, it's just, I'm tired.
No, wait, we-- we can.
-No, it's okay. -Yeah.
Hey.
Good night, Lance.
Hi there.
Hi. Hi.
Can I help you find anything?
No, I-- I'm okay.
Thank you.
So, what the fuck is going on?
My plan wasn't going as expected.
You tell me you love me...
Lance had been ghosting me.
I finally confronted him, and he just gave me this
lame Pandora's box analogy.
I just watched the, uh,
the J.J. Abrams TED Talk on his mystery box theory.
-Have you seen that? -No.
What does that have to do with anything?
Because he was really into magic when he was a kid, and...
And his grandpa gave him this-- this magic kit.
It was called the mystery box.
It was like this, it's just a box, like this plain,
this closed box with a question mark on it.
Mm-hmm.
And-- and to this day, he's never opened it.
He believes that keeping the box closed
is the key to infinite possibilities.
Right.
And what's your point?
Maybe there's more magic in the mystery of us.
Like...
like the unknown possibility of us is more special, you know?
Hm.
Maybe actually being with me wouldn't make you happy.
Well, that's cheesy.
Also just sounds like Abrams' fancy excuse
for not having a good ending for Lost, but...
tou tell yourself whatever you need to believe, Lance.
You told Macy.
Didn't you?
Adam!
Adam, I need to talk to you!
Adam, I seriously fucking need a confessional right now.
Ugh.
Adam!
What's up?
I just feel like the more I am myself, the more I'm alone,
and I'm too much for everybody all the time,
and I'm not enough for myself.
Whoa.
What are you talking about?
I don't know. I don't know where to begin.
Beginning? How about at the beginning?
Pranayamas, baby.
-Oh. -Okay?
I learned how to color.
-Um... -Totally.
Pranayamas.
Inside of the lines.
At a really young age.
Younger than most, and I was-- I was really proud of that.
And I remember this one afternoon,
I was coloring on my bedroom floor.
I just completed one of my best pieces yet.
Mickey Mouse walking his dog, Pluto.
It was fucking immaculate.
My mom, she-- she applauded me.
I remember she even took a photo for my grandmother.
I wasn't satisfied, though.
I felt agitated, like it was--
it was beautiful, but it was so fucking boring.
Too perfect.
So, I took my blue crayon,
and I started to draw a sky behind Mickey,
white puffy clouds and chirping birds, a red kite.
I jammed as much as I possibly could
onto that page, my entire imagination.
And then I blacked out
the sky
with my black crayon, which I never got to use.
And I turned that baby blue vault of heaven into
a black void,
colored over everything
until all that was left was...
Mickey and Pluto's white, beady eyes
just floating in space.
All I remember were those white eyes
just staring back at me, googly and dumb,
from the nothingness that I had created.
That's your confession?
No!
I haven't colored inside the lines ever since,
and everything always ends up a muddy fuck!
Okay!
I'm not an artist like you, okay?
I can't channel all this pent-up energy
and put it into something meaningful.
I have to live with it, Adam, and it's really not okay!
You've got your cabbages!
The cabbage art!
You've got your outlets!
That's what I'm trying to say.
Why are you freaking out?
I'm in love with Lance.
What?
Yeah.
We kissed a couple times.
When?
When we had lobster dinner at your parents',
and then again on my birthday.
You frenched at my parents'?
Yeah.
Did anything else happen?
Gwynn?
Oh, Lance.
We can't do that. Um...
Oh, my God!
Fuck, man!
Fuck me, man!
We've been so weird lately. He's been acting weird lately.
I knew something was up.
Why? Why would you...
Gwynn?
I heard you.
I don't know.
I've been having these, like, inappropriate relationships
my entire life, so.
You know that my first sexual experience
was with a man twice my age, and I still got blamed for it?
Lolita-esque desperation.
No, Adam. Lolita had all the power.
I'm the antithesis here.
Yeah, nice word, babe.
I never told you what he said to me in that sex dream.
Yeah. Don't know if I want to know.
He said, "Help me, Adam."
With what? His cock?
Okay.
I have this theory, and I need you to listen.
I'm all ears.
Do you know the Greek myth about that half-man,
half-bull minotaur trapped inside the labyrinth
on the island of Crete?
Kinda.
Really?
Okay, so Ariadne, daughter of King Minos,
was the mistress of this labyrinth,
and when her only brother was killed
by the Athenians, King Minos made a deal with
the king of Athens that every year, every nine years
or something like that, seven Athenian boys and girls
were to be sacrificed and sent into this labyrinth
to-- to feed the minotaur.
Now, on the third year of this sacrifice,
the hero, Theseus, set out to kill the beast
and end this bloody massacre once and for all.
Go on.
So, when he showed up on the island of Crete,
he meets Ariadne, and it's love at first sight.
Yeah, right.
And she vows to help him, okay?
-Okay. -Because he needed help.
So she gives him a sword and a magical ball of red thread
that leads him through the labyrinth.
It was a complete success.
He killed the monster and they fled the island together.
Happily ever after, like you and Lance fucking in the wind.
-Fuck off. -Mm-mm. No!
Not exactly, okay?
Theseus ditches her on the island of Naxos.
Her knight in shining armor.
She's heartbroken, alone, abandoned.
But then Dionysus shows up, the god of wine,
and they fall madly in love.
And he makes her this immortal goddess.
- Mm, yeah. - Yeah.
Holy shit! Fuck!
It's just like Lance from the tarot cards from last week.
- Yes! - He's trapped. Mm-hmm.
And I'm his Ariadne.
I'm meant to guide him through the labyrinth of life.
- It's a fucking metaphor. - And me?
I'm Dionysus, god of wine, and a good time.
Wine god!
Fear god!
Maybe!
So, I was thinking we should kidnap him, get him out of here.
He's too stubborn to listen to his own heart,
so let's just, let's just give him
no fucking choice, you know?
Well. What if he doesn't want our help?
Everybody wants help, Adam.
Okay.
Sorry.
Okay, so you want to play hardball.
Okay.
I've got a plan.
I can see it.
We can do this.
It's gonna be great.
So, I know what you're thinking.
Gwynn and Lance crossed the line, right?
How could I put up with that?
How could they do this to me?
Fuck me.
Today's concept of a monogamous family unit,
it's a very recent thing.
Within the last century, actually.
Of course, I was upset when they told me the news.
I hate it when people hide things from me.
Just wish they told me earlier.
I'm not mad at them.
I don't think people should deny their innate humanness.
Maybe...
we're all born polyamorous
and it's society's programming that has us all fooled.
Maybe we've got a lot to learn from the nomadic Tibetan tribes,
the bonobos, even fucking crickets, for Christ's sake.
They're the evolved ones, right?
Who's to say my...
idea or concept
of a conventional family is functional,
sustainable, or even my own?
I mean, does it work for my parents?
Barely.
My ex-wife and I, when we first moved in together,
our apartment had these bright tangerine-colored walls.
The bedroom was deep crimson.
But after a few years,
we painted everything eggshell white.
You know?
Everybody picks eggshell white.
It's banal, beige, fucking neutral, agreeable bullshit.
It's scary how we settle for things.
I wish I had somebody
to snap me out of my cruel complacency back then.
Maybe I'm that guy for Lance.
So, she's out?
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Gwynn's out for the night.
She's just with a girlfriend.
I'm just, I'm really sorry. I messed up.
-Everything got-- -Yeah. Yeah, man, I know.
I know you are.
Yeah, it was...
It was stupid.
Should've never happened.
I don't think, uh...
it was stupid.
I think it happened for a reason.
How about you and Gwynn?
We're good.
- We're fine. - Yeah?
Yeah.
How can I describe it?
It's been like a phoenix rising from the ashes.
Wow. That's a-- that's a good thing?
- Yeah. It is. - Yeah.
It is. It's, like, super duper.
Super great.
Super duper.
And it's just, um, this is gonna sound weird,
but I just, I wish you'd be, like,
a little bit more pissed off at me or something.
-It's like... -Just you wait.
I will exact my revenge.
I'm fucking with you. Let me get you another beer.
-No, no. -I insist. I insist.
There's still beer in here.
Okay, well, I'm getting another one.
Hey, I got this new Imperial Stout.
It's fucking incredible, man.
It's a bourbon barrel aged elixir straight from the gods.
You will love it.
It's for you. And for me.
You're gonna like it.
Okay.
Yeah.
Cool.
Listen, I appreciate this. Thanks.
Cheers.
-Cheers. -To new beginnings.
Does it ever feel like you're living with a roommate?
Gwynn, like, she's your...
she's your roommate instead of your girlfriend?
Yeah, I know what you mean, yeah.
We have, yeah, boring weeks and shit, yeah.
If that's what you mean.
No, I just mean, like...
when you're with someone for a while
and all the passion and the spark just goes away.
Yeah, I've been there.
Maybe that's natural.
Normal.
Man.
I feel fucking weird, man. I gotta-- I gotta smoke.
Yeah.
Take it easy, lightweight.
Whoa, watch it.
Yeah, yeah, that's my boy.
Sorry.
Sometimes you have to open Pandora's box
because you might be the one trapped inside.
Hm.
Lance and I have been intimate again,
and every time I am about to climax,
my brain just jumps to Gwynn's camming video.
Who would have thought that something that...
That tore my world apart could turn me on so much?
During our last therapy session,
it was suggested that I am jealous of Lance
and everything that happened,
but I don't think that I am.
I think that I'm proud of him, actually,
for going there with Gwynn.
I think it's the bravest thing that he's ever done.
My therapist is encouraging me to confront Gwynn
and make some kind of gesture.
Part of my healing comes from a place of acceptance.
She makes me so nervous, though.
She always has.
She's so out there.
But she's got something
and everybody can see it but her.
Lance. Buddy.
Babe.
Shit, I didn't think it would work so fast.
-Is he okay? -I don't know.
How much did you give him?
The amount you gave me? Was that too much?
No, no, no, it's fine.
Okay, you take his feet and I'll take his head.
Take his head?
Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, you got it?
-Yeah. -Stupid bad idea.
Shh!
Hey, go, go, go, go.
I had a feeling this wasn't going to work.
-What are you talking about? -This is a bad fucking idea.
-It worked, babe. -No, I mean--
I mean this whole thing.
What is your problem?
Do you want to help this guy or not?
I do, yeah, but...
Okay, but nothing.
We agreed to do this, so let's get him into the car.
When the Fool card appears
in your future position,
you will traverse the soul's domain,
far removed from the cozy anonymity of your daily life.
Rather than resist this irrational revel, surrender.
For he is the gatekeeper to the collective unconscious.
Obviously this has become much more familiar--
If we lived here, yeah.
And you guys obviously have kids?
- No. - Oh.
- Not yet, not yet, yeah. - Plenty of time.
Cock-a-doodle-doo! Lance, wake up!
It's way time to wake up, Lance.
What the fuck?
You may rise, Sir Lancelot.
Where are we?
The moon.
Oh, man, I...
I don't feel so good.
Pounded some serious drinks last night, 'ey, buddy?
One small step for man,
one giant leap into the rest of your life!
Wait, this is just outside Charleston Lake.
Your idea, remember?
No, I don't remember anything.
That's because we drugged you.
Seriously?
- So, this was your idea? - It was both of ours.
It's whatever, man, we're here now.
There's no going back.
You seek to know the great nothingness
that has created you.
You will move toward a deeper state
of self-realization,
self-annihilation.
You will wake up to the immortality of your soul.
There will be something so familiar about this place,
like you've been here before.
You will be so happy, you could die,
and a part of you will.
If only Eve created man.
This is as good as it's going to get.
We're not gods,
we're only human,
created in the image and likeness of God.
And if I want to remember us like this,
I better run before life creeps in and fucks it all up.
Hey!
Hey! Hey, Gwynn!
Hold on!
Shit, shit, shit.
Hey!
Gwynn!
Macy, what are you doing here?
Adam told me you guys came out here.
I think he felt guilty.
Lance is in the room.
I never got you a birthday present.
I thought you could use an upgrade.
I've always wanted to do that.
Circle one.
I remember that choice
made me feel so goddamn powerful.
And I wanted to feel that way for the rest of my life.
"Fantasy is hardly an escape from reality.
It's a way of understanding it."
Hello?