- Shit.
God damn!
Good boy.
You have got to be kidding me.
Working late again, Dr. Hiscock?
Yes, Dr. Hiscock.
Since there's nothing else to do in your boring little life.
Careful, Doc.
You keep talking to yourself,
you're gonna need to see a real doctor.
Maybe it's finally time to get a pet.
Oh, wait. No.
I've already got triceratops at home.
A big fat beastie with three horns.
Only thing she left me after the divorce.
Triceratops? Sure, yeah.
Could really use one of those.
- Hold it right there.
Working late again, Professor?
What? Are you famished?
- Midnight munchies.
- You gotta be careful with those.
You're round enough already.
- Goodnight to you too, sir.
- Hey, Hiscock.
Boo!
I'll see ya.
- Butt hole.
What's that smell?
Something.
Well, hello there.
What do we have here?
Where's my God damn phone?
I left it right here.
Or in the car.
Hell with it. Don't need it much these days, anyhow, do I?
Okay.
Exhibit number 25003.
Found in the Pyramid of the Moon
at the ancient city Teoteqokan in the valley of Mexico,
the top part is crowned by a head that looks like a dragon,
on an ugly version of an axolotl salamander,
probably dedicated to the Aztec God Xolotl.
The pyramid appears to be more Egyptian than South American.
Possible connection there.
Carbon dating could be a good idea.
Dimensions, 25.5 by 32 inches.
Under 41 pounds.
Made of stone.
Collected a lot of residue.
Requiring cleaning.
And that...
Is exactly what we're gonna do.
Oh!
Done.
Done for the night.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Hello, beautiful.
Am I getting lucky tonight?
Hey.
Not such a bad night after all.
Sooner or later, I'm gonna crack you, sweetie.
What the hell?
This keeps getting better and better.
Tricky little sucker!
Get you...
Got ya!
What is that?
No way.
Shit.
What the hell?
That's what weighed 40 pounds?
What's this made of? Plutonium?
It's warm.
And radioactive?
Shit!
The exhibit appears to be a hollow stone casket,
holding a decorative tablet.
Probably made of uranium or some other heavy metal.
It consists of two sides, held together by
an electromagnetic force.
Pattern...
Markings don't appear to be any Toltec, Mayan,
Aztec pattern known to me.
It's probably from another cult.
What the hell?
I gotta stop drinking this stuff.
Damn it!
Hello?
Screw this.
Come on.
Come on, sesame. Open up.
Come on.
You stay here.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay!
Come on. Work, you son of a bitch!
Okay, okay, okay. Come on.
Come on, this can't be happening. This can't be real!
Come on, come on, come on!
Hello?
What the fuck?
No, please!
No!
Oh.
You can talk.
I'm sorry. I don't know what you mean.
But whatever I did, I'm really sorry.
Look, I'm just visiting here.
I tell you what.
You tell me how to get outta here,
you'll never see me again, I promise!
What do you want from me?
I don't know what you mean!
What do you want from me?
Whatever it is, I don't have it!
Nightmare.
I gotta quit smoking pot.
- I wouldn't mind a hit right now.
- Who said that?
- Shut up!
It can hear better than it can see!
- You're...
- You.
I mean, I'm me, but I'm also you too.
- Okay.
First, I get zapped into these mines.
Then that thing that looks like some Xolotl
from an Aztec nightmare shows up.
And now you.
- It is Xolotl.
- What? How do you know?
- I asked him.
- I said, "Excuse me.
Aren't you Xolotl from Aztec religion?"
And he goes, "Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
I'm just a guy in a costume,
'cause it's Halloween on freaking Mars."
- Mars.
The surface.
How do you know that was Mars?
- Because I've been in the moon since then.
And you know what?
I think I saw your ugly mug up there.
- I've never been to the moon.
- Not yet.
- What do you mean?
- Shut up.
I don't have time. I need to think.
Light speed.
The time is divided by...
That gives us about a 20-minute gap.
- Look, I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to-
- Give me those.
Oh.
I used the tablet from Xolotl's chamber.
- How? it didn't work.
- You have to use the opposite side.
- Oh.
- It dropped me onto the moon's surface.
- How did you survive?
Look at my face, dick wad.
Ooh.
Ow!
Well, at least you don't have a black eye.
- But the space vacuum jump-started my brain.
Now I know I need to turn the damn thing to jump back.
There's one more thing.
I saw what was up there.
I think he tried to scream something.
- What?
The vacuum's dangerous, especially for the brain.
You were probably hallucinating.
- Oh, please. I'm here now, aren't I?
- Hey.
The tablet from the lab is still here.
We can use it to get home!
- At first I thought I went straight back,
but something didn't feel right.
This time, it was as if the beast had never been chasing me.
Like it had never even happened.
And the tablet was gone, too. Just poof.
Vanished.
And then I hear you chattering away with El Monstro.
- You mean you got away, too?
- Yeah, I ran.
Then I used a tablet, which sent me to the moon and back.
Back to the past.
To the time before I was sent here from Earth.
- I need a smoke.
- Now you're talkin'.
- Well, how is that even possible? Is it a time machine?
- Don't ask me. I'm just visiting.
But if it is some sort of instant teleporter,
then it's faster than the speed of a light.
- Right.
Because...
If time is slowing down closer to the speed of light,
then theoretically,
if exceeded,
it goes backward.
- Bingo.
Hey.
I'm not as dumb as you look.
- But wait, what about my mass?
It would grow and then go to infinity.
- Oh, I don't think you need any help
in that department, chubs.
No, no, no.
I don't think the tablet moves you.
I think it shreds you to atoms,
reads and scans 'em,
and sends 'em back here to generate
some quantum teleportation shit, faster than light.
- That's heavy, man.
I knew I died when I saw that demon.
What do you think it's doing out here?
- Ask it yourself. It's your turn.
He was probably on his way to some wild Aztec
sacrificial party but found your fat ass teleported here.
- All right, here's a question.
If you saved me, who saved you?
- Nobody. I mean, nobody grabbed me.
I got the tablet and I decoyed the beast
with some helpful jerky.
Speaking of. Give me.
That thing's probably starved after 500 years.
- Did you put the pen knife under the chair?
- No, but I saw that arrow too.
- So that means there's gotta be...
- A third butt hole.
Namely you and me.
- have you seen him?
- Nope.
- Well, why is he hiding?
- Ask yourself.
- Well, we gotta find him.
- Listen, creepazoid.
I don't have time for some bullshit manhunt, all right?
And if we do manage to make it back,
I'm not splitting the jackpot three ways.
- What jackpot?
- The...
The lottery, dumb ass.
We go back, just in time to buy the right ticket.
- Dude!
I knew I was an asshole, but not on that level!
How could you even think about something like that,
right now?
- I think you know.
- Okay.
What's the plan?
- We go back to the moon.
- Hell no!
- No, that's fine.
Why don't you stay here with your new friend Xolotl?
- Okay, you convinced me. Then what?
- We go back to the moon and back to the past.
We wait for the next one of us to arrive,
intercept the tablet, use it to jump back.
- Well, what about the next of us?
Should we take 'em with us?
- Meh. Leave 'em here.
They'll have a little adventure.
They'll find the knife and escape anyway.
- You're a real prick, you know that?
- Time is a great teacher.
But it kills all its students.
You know I could've very well have left
your fat ass back here, but I didn't.
Hell, I don't even know if the tablet works for two.
- All right, let's do it. You still got the moon tablet?
- No. It vanished.
Looks like it's a round-trip ticket.
- How are you planning on getting past
our grumpy old friend?
- Same way I did before.
We outsmart him.
Give me your watch.
- How do you know this is gonna work?
- Shut up! It worked before, stupid.
- He's not here.
Good.
- How do you know it's not a her?
You're not sexist, am I?
Hey, she might like ya. She...
Wait. I think it's close.
- So we won't need your trick.
- We'll see.
Should be any minute now.
- Didn't your buddy react to this the last time?
- It did.
Maybe it's further down in the tunnels.
- What do we do? - We do it.
When we get to the moon, breathe out, or you'll explode.
- Thanks for the tip.
- Come on!
Hurry up, dumb
Oops.
- Great job, Hiscock. Great job.
You're gonna die on this miserable planet!
God!
I told you not to work late.
I told you to start working out, but you didn't listen!
Shut up!
Shut up.
Just quit talkin' to yourself.
Keep your shit together.
Okay, what am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?
I gotta get back to the past.
Find him before a new me arrives.
We get the tablet, we get back home,
and we get that damn lottery ticket.
How am I supposed to get past that fossilized piece of shit?
The old me says this attracts the beast.
Snacks.
You never let me down.
Okay, stone.
Bring me luck.
Where's my glasses?
Other side, God damn it.
Nightmare.
- I wish it was.
- You're alive!
- Excuse me?
- Long story.
- Oh, I got all the time in the world. Enlighten me.
- How'd I get here?
- I found your fat ass lying in the catacombs like bait.
You weigh a ton, dude. You've gotta lose the weight, man.
- First thing I'm gonna do when we get back.
- I'm not going anywhere with you.
- What? You don't wanna split the lottery?
- What lottery?
- Didn't think about that part yet, did ya?
- Okay, you're gonna tell me what's going on,
or else I'm gonna feed you that thing.
- Sorry.
I'm you.
I mean...
I'm me.
But I'm also you, too.
- Yeah. I got that part already.
What do you think I am? A retard?
- Look, the trick is the tablet sends you back in time,
through teleporting.
- Oh.
So, that explains...
I saw you on the moon.
You tried to scream something.
- That wasn't me.
You saw the third one. Well, the very first one.
The one who planted the knife.
- You didn't do that?
- No, but I saw you teleported, right before me.
- "Third one."
Interesting.
What's with the shiner?
- Uh...
You gave me that.
- Probably for a good reason.
What did you mean by me being alive?
- Let's not talk about that.
- No.
Let's.
- - Let's just say, in the future,
you have a little accident.
- Beast?
- Yeah.
- Crap.
- Wanna change the subject?
- Got a smoke?
- Uh, no, but...
I got this.
- That'll do.
But how do we get back? Couldn't find the tablet.
- You gotta start thinking in the past, man.
It's not here yet.
- Okay. When?
- Well, I'm not sure.
How long was I out?
- Well, I don't know.
Maybe half an hour?
- Crap! Why didn't you tell me?
- You didn't ask!
- Shit! We're late!
- I can hear that.
- Come on!
I think I know what he's saying.
- It's "Where is it?" in Aztec. Don't be a smart ass.
- Sorry. Had to try.
There it is!
- Stop talking, moron.
- Oh, shit. Hide!
There he is!
Hey! We're here!
Hey! Stop!
- Why is he running? - To get to the tablet first.
Obviously. - Why?
- To go back alone, stupid!
- He wants to steal it from us?
- I would!
- Run faster, fat brains!
- Stop!
Idiot!
Got you, you crook!
- I'm sorry.
- What an asshole!
- Last time, you called him a butthole-
- Well, he exceeded my expectations.
What are we gonna do now?
Right.
- Oh, not again.
- Should we save him? - Wanna try?
- Nope.
- He'll find that knife. Remember?
- Yeah. Let's do it.
Okay.
Are you kidding me?
- You bastard!
Stop, you idiot!
Trying to dump me, Brutus?
- Don't stand there like a lemon.
Damn it!
- Hello?
- Screw this.
- Come on.
Come on, sesame. Open up.
- Hey! We're here!
Hey, stop!
Stop!
You idiot!
Got you, you crook!
- I'm sorry.
What a trip.
Who needs LSD, these days?
Nope.
No way.
I'm sending you back tomorrow.
Yes.
We made it. There's still time.
I gotta piss.
Number two didn't make it back twice.
You should've given him the tablet.
Then what?
You wouldn't have survived your third jump to the moon.
Stop whining.
What's done is done.
Yeah, right.
- Dude.
You need a shower.
Ooh, la, la, la, la!
La, la, la, la!
Ooh!
Oh!
All right.
Snack time!
Later, dude.
- Damn.
I completely forgot about that asshole.
Ah!
Should I tell him?
You'd better, or he'll go through hell.
He kinda deserves it.
Who knows? He might even make it back.
All right.
Tell him.
Wait.
What if there are more time loops?
What if the beast found the tablet before me?
Shit, I gotta stop myself so none of this happens.
No.
Oh, thank you, vending machine.
He's gonna eat him in the snack room.
Then I won't exist anymore.
Hey!
Ass clown!
Crap
Are you kidding me?
- Freeze!
Shut up, you bum.
- Shh, shh.
Be quiet.
- How did you get in here?
- I'm begging you. Be quiet.
It's me. Professor Hiscock.
- Huh?
I can't believe it.
Professor!
What happened to you, Hiscock?
Did you swim in the crapper?
Die, you freakin' beast.
- Welcome to Earth!
Dumb ass!
Good luck on Mars, butt hole.
One Extra Millions ticket, please.
These exact numbers.
What're you looking at? Hurry up, dude.
Oh. shit. I'm late.
God damn it!
What the hell was that?