Your last act of the evening,
put your hands together for buddy solitaire.
All right, guys, one more time for all your comics tonight, huh?
Enthusiastic crowd.
I love it. Excited to be here.
It's midnight on a Tuesday,
so all of us are big winners, huh?
So I'm from Kansas,
where we have a special name for a 12-year-old girl
who's faster than her brothers--
a virgin.
Okay. okay.
Not much of a thinking crowd tonight, that's all right.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you expecting an important call?
Why don't you just get off the stage?
Why don't you get back to your phone call?
Fuck you.
Great.
Right here, in front of all these people?
You want me to just fuck you on this stage?
That'll be fun for nobody to watch.
That's my time.
Hey dude, listen to this joke i got yesterday, okay?
Really? -now come on, just one joke.
-One. -all right, here we go.
So, in history class they asked us,
"what's India's contribution to the modern world?"
I said, "tech support."
-Okay, so, you're in history class,
you're a 25-year-old. Why are you still in history class?
Dude, it's the joke, okay? It's a 40-word joke.
-I get it.
The punch line's gotta come faster.
-It's two sentences! -Get there faster.
Okay, brown man listen. Brown man grab his iPad.
Hey, do you actually do tech support?
'Cause I have a virus on my computer.
Too much porn, and brown man says "fuck you."
-Oh, nice. -Mm-hmm.
I do like how you use that Indian thing, though.
Keep doing that. Make it your own.
My guru has spoken.
We're doing yoga today.
You know I don't understand Chinese.
Come on.
You're not helping either one of us.
Miss liao--
man, get off the stage.
Thank you, I will, when I'm done.
You suck. -I appreciate that.
Just tell some jokes!
Great, yes, more please, please.
Get off stage! -I will, I got three minutes,
so I guess we're gonna wait, and I'll just do this.
This how we're gonna spend your time, guys?
What are you doing?
Celebrating after another great show.
Don't you think you've had enough?
No.
I'm fine.
Okay.
Phew.
-Good morning. -Hi.
Hey, thanks for stopping me before I ruined
the ol' moneymaker.
Sure.
Maybe you should spend a little less time with Hanna.
What does that have to do with anything?
It's just her whole energy.
Maybe it's rubbing off on you.
We're talking energy now.
Do you want me to grab your tarot cards?
We don't have to talk about it if you don't want.
Sorry.
Just, I'm not sure I can take another bad show.
And I know my face can't.
What do you mean? You love comedy.
Right, it's in my blood.
Hi, can I help you?
Yes, irwin Schwartz is up there.
I'm gonna do a set with him. We go way back.
Uh-huh.
I didn't hear anything about this.
So why don't you go pay Julie at the door for your ticket, yeah?
Do you know who I am?
I do, Hanna, but it's not 1983 anymore,
so just go pay for your ticket.
You do not talk to me like that.
Who the fuck do you think you are, you little prick?
Okay, name calling.
-Why don't you just go-- -do not touch me.
Okay, calm down.
-I am a legend. -Okay, okay.
-I am a fucking legend! -We have a legend who's crazy.
Come on, exit stage right, legend.
Here we go. Thank you for coming.
Here we go. There's the door.
Here we go. Ow, that's nice.
Let's go, let's go. Bye-bye now.
Bye-bye. whoo!
Shit.
Hey, honey.
Hey, I'm glad you called.
I wanted to apologize for this morning.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I left my anxiety pills at your place.
Oh, you don't need that stuff.
I'm not gonna take them forever, you know.
I know! I know.
I see 'em. I'll be right over, all right?
Thank you.
Where the hell are you?
I'm coming.
-Hey, ma. -Hi.
I hear your letterman set.
[Faint TV audio playing]
-You had no fear. -Ha!
You would be killing it if you went up today.
They don't fucking deserve me.
Slow down with these, all right? They give you cancer.
I'll eat cancer.
Hey, I got this joke I've been working on.
It's this pun thing that is going to kill--
I was done with puns when Reagan was president.
-Hey, give it back. -No.
Aw, did I hurt little buddy's feelings?
Hanna darling will always love you.
Look, mom, I just could use some help with my set.
Well, I really think you should give it up.
Thank you. Maybe I will.
Then you'll have more time to spend with your mother.
-I have to go pick up Vanessa.
-Vanessa's a cunt! -Oh, god damn it, mom.
Why do you have to talk like that?
You want me to kill myself?
-No. -i will shoot my fucking brains out
and you can just run away with your little Mexican bitch
and live happily ever after.
I just have to go.
Fucking asshole.
I had my knives and spoons just like I wanted it yesterday.
Somebody moved them.
We'll get them right back to where they were, okay?
You need to do it right now.
-Yeah, do it right now. -Zoe. That's not nice.
Why are you yelling at me and not at miss liao?
No, I need it the right way for my chicken salad.
-Oh, it's okay, it's okay. -No, I need to go to the kitchen.
'Cause I need another one of these.
Oliver, I need you to sit down.
No, but see, how I have it is it goes
chicken salad, chicken salad, chicken salad--
wow, you must be really hungry.
You didn't bring me my chicken salad either?
No, I'm sorry, another waiter has your section.
-I was at my mom's.
Hey, I'll be right back. I have to go to the bathroom.
-Yeah.
Can't be any worse than my irvine audience.
Hey you, you new to maple hills?
Uh, no, no. I could be.
I'm an insomniac, hypochondriac,
-huge megalomaniac. Seriously.
Oh. I'm Vanessa's boyfriend, buddy.
-Are you a social worker? -No.
No, but thank you for thinking I could be.
I'm a comedian, guys.
I'll be here all week. Try the shrimp.
We have shrimp here?
I have no idea what the menu is.
You know it's not nice to make fun of us.
Yeah, look, I'm not making fun of you guys.
I get what it's like being here, though.
Social workers, shrinks. Everybody thinks you're crazy, right?
It's like being at home with your mom,
except she probably doesn't make you kiss her.
Kidding.
You got a very mad cat at home?
I'm sorry, does one of you translate for her?
All I got was "is some"
okay, too much! All right, too far, too far.
I want my chicken salad!
Man, that is your fourth chicken salad.
Do you really eat that much?
Hey, I'm back.
So am I.
What was that?
Don't worry about it, man, he's just some jerk.
Chicken salad...
Vanessa's class is going to be my new spark.
Writing about these weirdos is going to get me into the jubilee.
What about that joke i gave you,
the one about my cousin patel?
-That was some bad shit. -Yeah, that was some bad shit.
-Hey. -look, if I win the jubilee,
that's gonna turn everything around.
And Stephan Martin is running it this year.
That freak would love a show about crazy people.
I mean, I don't know, man. Are you sure about this?
Yeah, yeah! I mean ,look, comedy is half insane anyway, right?
-Look at us two assholes. -I'm not an asshole.
You are kind of an asshole.
Look, it just seems like a lot, okay, for some new jokes?
Look, I gotta try something different, okay?
I've been doing this for 15 years.
Somethin's gotta change.
Sir! sir, excuse me.
Hi, yes. Yes, you, sir. Yeah.
Hi. is this the place that Stephan Martin
does his hippie-dippy bullshit?
By "hippie-dippy bullshit," you mean meditation?
-Yeah, I think so.
I'm buddy solitaire. Can you tell Stephan
that buddy's got a brand new bag, okay? Like James brown?
Buddy got a brand new bag, wha-aa!
No, it's not a great impression
and you clearly aren't a music fan.
-I like chanting. -Awesome.
Tell Stephan it's called "the crazy show"
and that it totally kicks ass, you got that?
I'll make sure to let him know.
Okay. don't forget, baldy.
Psst. amazing pajamas.
It is nice.
I love nature.
No, you don't.
That's true. Actually, I think it's kind of ridiculous.
Hey...
Whoa. what's the occasion?
-You're gorgeous.
Actually I found a flower over there.
That's what I thought.
Hey, you know how maple hill is looking
for that new afternoon activities instructor?
-I'm your guy.
Yes. I'm gonna teach 'em stand-up
and sketch, improv.
Look, I really liked that group yesterday.
Are we talking about the same people?
Yeah. well, they're... Charming.
Look, I know it's just afternoon workshops,
but these people have real problems.
I mean, yeah, it's a counseling center, not a psych ward,
but they need a specialist.
I'm as special as they come.
We already hired someone. Mr. rickles is gonna do
a deep movement workshop.
Okay, look, anybody named Mr. rickles deserves to be fired, one,
and two, what the hell is a "deep movement" workshop?
-It's good for your joints. -Baby, come on, please.
I'm just asking you to put in a good word, okay?
You're the only one on my side.
I need this.
I'll see what I can do.
-Thank you. -You're welcome.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-oh.
You know, I have taught workshops before.
Oh, really?
Where?
-Bakersfield. -Bakersfield.
Mm-hmm.
You don't have your certificate, do you?
Paperwork? come on, who needs that?
Me.
Look, I don't have a ph.D. Like you.
-Mm-hmm. -but I can still be very useful to this psych ward.
This is not a psych ward.
This is a counseling center.
Sorry. uh...
I can be very useful to your counseling center.
But honestly, it's kinda "tomatoes-tomahtoes," right?
Just kidding. You got the job.
Thought you'd appreciate that, being a comedian, hmm?
Yeah, that's--
I'll have to remember that interview style.
Well, the Vanessa group doesn't need therapy
as much as social skills, but comedy,
comedy will take care of that, huh?
-Comedy.
-High five. -Okay.
-Yeah. -fist bump.
-All right. -Ah-hh!
Let's go meet the group.
-Yes!
Guys, guys. Listen up, listen up.
-This is buddy. -Hi.
I hear you already met.
Okay... well.
I'll leave it up to you, then, huh?
Good luck.
Well, I didn't expect to be starting today,
but... here we are.
What are you doing back here?
Thank you, it's great to see you too.
Guys, I'm your new afternoon activities instructor.
Seriously, what are you doing here?
Whoa. I'm just here to teach you guys comedy, okay?
Somebody needs to teach you some fuckin' manners.
Okay, all right.
Why don't we just get to know each other a little bit first?
Let's get into a semi-circle so bring your chairs in.
Could you bring them closer? Come in a little bit?
There you go. That's the effort I'm looking for.
If you could just scoot in?
Could you just take your chair and...
Okay.
Why don't I begin?
Uh, my name is buddy. I'm a comedian,
and I want to be famous, but since I'm here,
clearly I'm not.
I drink a lot, i get high even more often.
Some days I sleep for 18 straight hours.
Uh... okay.
Why don't you guys tell me your names
and what brand of crazy you got?
Um, excuse you?
Sorry, what's your mental illness?
My, uh, my name is buford.
But everybody calls me "bugg."
I worked at vons on sunset and Vermont,
before I started seeing the ghost.
Oh, like Bruce Willis in "the sixth sense"?
Nice. all right, who's next?
Elliot gomes. Phoenix battalion.
Oh, yeah? Where were you?
-Afghanistan. -i hear that is beautiful.
"Beautiful"? what are you, a fuckin' moron?
Most people would say yes.
Oliver! nice to see you, buddy.
How long do we have to be here?
Vanessa said we'd be doing yoga.
You're not the yoga teacher. Where's my chicken salad?
Can I ask you something?
Once you finish a chicken salad,
how long until they bring you that next chicken salad?
I never get a chicken salad.
And yet you keep asking.
-Hello. -hi, my name's Zoe.
And why are you here?
Because my parents are pieces of shit.
Respectful.
That is what I like most about the youth of today.
Miss liao.
Don't wanna talk to you.
Okay, "brady bunch." Let's begin.
Guys, I want you to think of me as the cool teacher, okay?
We are just gonna straight chillax.
"Chillax"?
Yeah, you know, relax, get to know each other.
Hang out, tell our stories.
That stuff is very healing, guys.
So, what makes you so special?
I hate when people call me special.
I don't want to tell you shit, dude.
Fine. we'll just sit here in silence.
Show us some comedy.
Excuse me?
Miss liao loves comedy.
Really?
Okay. your wish is my command.
All right, uh, well, a joke comes in two parts.
You got your setup, and you got your punch line.
"Knock knock." "Who's there?"
"justin." "justin who?"
That's your setup.
But the punch line, that's where you get your laugh.
"justin time for dinner."
I've seen suicide bombers that are funnier than you.
-I thought you were a comedian.
-No, guys,
that's an example of joke structure.
Look, okay, look. I will give you a real joke from my act.
We'll use this. Okay, all right.
So I lost my virginity to a French girl.
Which is kind of like learning to drive on a Porsche--
-boring! -how do you know it's boring?
I haven't finished the joke yet.
My mother's French, dude.
Well, she might like a joke about her.
You haven't said anything remotely funny!
You guys gotta let me finish.
I haven't gotten to the punch line.
Really hard to get a joke out--
okay, you know what? Forget it, forget it.
Let's just watch a video, okay?
Let's watch a video together.
We'll watch videos. Oh, look, it's Jerry Seinfeld.
Low effort for everybody involved,
including Jerry.
What do you think happened to the French girl?
Don't think about the French girl, bugg.
Hey, Stephan, it's buddy.
Did you get my message from that hare krishna?
Anyway, I had to sleep with all of your assistants
to get this direct number, including Dave, who is a great lay,
so you know, call me back, man.
Thanks.
Okay, guys, hell of a first day.
See you later.
Hey, buddy. Hey, hey, buddy.
Hey... I wanna learn about punch lines.
Oh yeah?
You sure you're not an emissary
sent from that horde here to attack me?
Oh, no, man. This is all just really new to them.
What's with "Chinese chuckles" in there?
Kind of an intense woman for a workshop.
Yeah, miss liao is Tyson's younger cousin.
So?
Well, he managed to get her here
instead of a room at state.
She was a mail-order bride or something.
Her husband up in Fresno used to hit her.
A lot.
She burned his house down.
Pulled a "left eye."
Yeah, I never thought about it like that.
-Yeah.
When I was younger, my mom wouldn't allow any cussin' in the house.
I mean, you couldn't watch anything.
But me and my older brother used to sneak "delirious" down in the basement.
My mom said "fuck" all the time, so...
"Delirious" is great, though.
How about you, man? You got jokes?
Yeah, yeah, man. I got a book full of 'em.
I'll tell you what. Next time I'm here,
you bring 'em, we'll go over 'em together, okay?
Yeah, yeah, that'd be great.
That'd be great, man.
Hey, buddy?
You get to miss liao,
everybody else falls in line.
Thanks, man.
Come on. Come on.
Come on. This is your idea.
Yeah, I know. I know.
I thought I was in better shape.
No, I could've told you otherwise.
-All right, well. -See, you should go work out with me.
-I work out. I call it drinking and--
not eating right.
This is beautiful. -Thank you.
-I did this all myself.
Why do you put up with me?
I accept your flaws and you accept mine.
Yeah, but you don't have any.
Except my terrible taste in men.
-Hey, that is me. -It is you.
-Oh. -mm-hmm.
What's that?
I have something to tell you.
Okay.
I'm pregnant.
-That's a good joke. -It's not a joke.
Okay.
All right, let's--
this is great news, sweetie.
This is-- fuck. This is great.
I...
Why aren't you happier?
I mean, the two of us are a mess.
We can barely take care of ourselves. Another person?
Honey, you're gonna be an amazing mom.
-I can try breastfeeding.
Baby, I'm gonna get into the jubilee, okay?
And then everything is gonna be different.
Everything's gonna turn around for us.
I promise.
Next time, warn me before you and your little "churro"
decide to spring this kinda news on me.
-This is supposed to be a good thing, ma.
Maybe if you people believed in the use of condoms.
-Listen, darling, don't let her tear us apart.
-Please, stop it.
You think you can take my son away from me?
All you do is insult him.
Yeah, well, I can do that. He's my goddamned son.
Okay, guys, we don't want to wake the Korean neighbors--
we have a bond. A bond of real family.
A bond of comedy. What the hell do you have, fuck face?
-Buddy, you need to talk to her. -She said she's gonna stop.
-I never said that. -You need to check your mother.
-Check yourself out the door! -Thanks, mom.
-Wait. -bye!
I'm sorry.
You're not my mom.
If it happens again, .
Speak english. We're in America.
Do not make fun of bugg.
Don't tell me what to do! Jesus!
Argh!
Careful, you're gonna snap her in half.
American kids have no respect.
I know. I was one of them.
-No.
How do you say "pain" in your language?
"Tong."
Burning down houses, scaring the living shit out of people?
That sounds like a lotta "tong."
Vanessa told me you had a daughter.
Mind your own business.
I like kids. They're great.
All squishy, they're cute.
Their heads smell amazing. I bet your daughter would love it
if you just tried one of these donuts.
I told you to mind your own business!
-I don't know what that means.
Means "asshole."
Oh, so, I'm a double asshole?
Eh, these are fine.
Hello, everyone!
I come bearing gifts. Get excited, people,
because these bad boys are fresh
and they are warm.
That'll disturb my digestion. It'll give me the runs.
Very, very watery poo.
Thanks for talking about your shits.
Dr. yee doesn't like outside food in here.
It's just donuts, okay?
Those are full of sugar and carbs.
That's what goes into donuts.
Mommy and daddy won't let you have the good stuff either?
-Shut your mouth, retard! Whoa, whoa!
Guys, we don't need another "dangerous minds."
It's all good.
So you do like donuts.
See, everyone? Miss liao likes donuts.
Our teacher is trying very hard.
Yes, I am.
-Thirsty. -great.
Water.
You'd better get that water. Miss liao does not ask twice.
Okay, I will be back.
Fuckin' people.
Door's locked.
Ah. much appreciated.
Hey, guys, i know it's common.
I locked myself out of my room,
so, uh, what do we do in that situation?
Toucheé.
Your water, precious.
Great, now I can check "getting hazed by the mentally ill"
off my bucket list.
Get excited, class.
We're about to have a huge lesson,
'cause today we're learning about the history...
Of comedy.
Any questions?
You're worse than my cousin tan.
He was retarded.
...masturbating this morning,
and on my way here, it made me kinda late.
So... that happened.
Ah, knuckles.
I didn't think you came to fringe shows, buddy.
You know, I make an exception
when I'm on the fringe of being interested.
-Oh! good one. -Thank you.
Look, I just want to talk to Stephan, okay?
I don't know if he's getting my messages.
Stephan's not here.
He's literally right behind you.
-No, he's not. -Jesus.
Is he even listening to this guy?
-He's absorbing.
-Maybe. -look, I just want to tell him
I'm doing some next
I'm taking things in a whole new direction.
Oh, that's a boy band, right?
Pretty good one. Just let me--
calm down, okay?
Stephan's gotten all your messages.
He just doesn't want to talk to you.
How do you know that, knuckles, osmosis?
-Way to work in a callback. -Oh, thanks.
Hey, stick around and you can watch a real pro on stage.
-Me.
Thank you for that warm welcome.
I appreciate it.
All right, guys, i want to talk to you about a new job that I got.
I'm teaching stand-up comedy
at a psychological counseling center.
That's right. I'm trying to teach the insane
how to be funnier.
That's like trying to teach the blind how to drive.
I mean, what's the point?
There is an Asian woman there
who is covered in cuts.
I mean, she's kind of attractive,
provided your turn-ons include
a horrible personality and knife skills.
She is a mail-order bride, though, which is kind of cool.
First one I've ever met.
She burned her husband's house down.
Imagine how pissed you would be
if you paid for a woman to be shipped from China
and then she burned your motherfucking house down.
She "left-eyed" this guy.
There's an Afghanistan war vet
who is a real charmer, let me tell you.
He has some serious anger problems,
but he's single, so ladies,
if your bucket list includes death by murder-suicide,
-i think I've got your guy.
But the best person there is a black schizophrenic guy
who got fired from vons.
You hear that? Let's count all those shitty things
this guy's dealing with. I mean, he's a black guy.
Sorry, but he's already got a few strikes against him with that.
He's schizophrenic, and he got fired from vons!
Who the fuck gets fired from a grocery store?
My cousin is 14, and he's a manager there.
The only thing worse than that is an Indian in a wheelchair
sweeping up at a casino.
He's sweeping! They couldn't even give him a job dealing?
So guys, when you think you got it bad,
keep in mind-- you're doing all right.
-Thanks, guys. Good night.
He got fired from vons.
How the fuck do you get fired--
-it's this ugly cat meme.
I don't know. My niece sent it to me.
I'm actually just getting a ton of writing done.
-That's great. -Yeah.
I told you you'd find your inspiration.
-You were right. -Mm-hmm.
So, how are you feeling?
-Hungry. -oh, little baby.
I'm fine.
-Have you checked your messages? -No.
When I'm at work Tyson said,
"don't check your phone."
-Don't be a dick. -That's what he sounded like.
Don't be a dick.
You should check your messages.
-He's called your land line,
he's even called me.
-Stephan Martin.
-Uh-huh.
This'll only take a second.
Hey, that was a very interesting performance last night.
Yeah, did you see it or did you just absorb it?
-Ha, ha. -Will you please be quiet?
Will you please adhere to your own Dharma experience?
Uh, everything okay over there?
Just some human soul lost in samsara.
So that was quite a dark set.
-Compelling. -shh!
-Oh, thanks, man.
Hey, look...
I got a ton more where that came from,
and I know you got the jubilee coming up, so...
Hey, were those real people you were talking about?
Uh, yeah.
Wow. you're kind of an evil bastard.
Uh, I guess. Thanks.
You need to be quiet.
What if I was on the phone with Buddha?
Buddha calls now.
So do shut up, you unenlightened fuck.
All praise Buddha shakyamuni.
Anyway, let's see what you can do on the jubilee emerging stage.
Night one. You kill there,
and I'll bring you back for the competition.
I want to kiss your bald head. Thank you!
Ooh, I'm fucking the world! I'm sorry about that.
I... shouldn't have said that to a social worker.
Ah, I'm still fucking the world, though! Oh!
Oh-ho, yes!
To quote the prophet ice cube,
"today is a good day!"
Oh, you know what?
I'm gonna teach you guys a little comedy.
A little quid pro quo.
What did we do for you?
-It is Latin.
I think. Guys, not a language class.
Oh, let's get back to our lesson.
What did you guys take from that Jerry video?
His voice sounds nasal and strange.
Well, I liked it.
I liked the punch lines. It seems like he thought a lot about 'em.
Yeah.
That's a good observation, bugg.
Here's one of his classics.
"Men want from their underwear the same thing they want from their women--
a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom."
I saw that.
I saw that, miss liao. You liked that one didn't you?
I didn't know the communists were fans of freedom.
I have pretty underwear. Target.
-Oh.
Okay, well, let's not show anybody, all right?
Anybody else want to talk about their underwear?
Oh, I'm so gonna get fired.
All right, let's start the lesson.
How do you not get scared up there
when everybody's judging you?
Believe me, you're scared.
Absolutely terrified.
But, you know, you gotta learn to use that fear.
You know how moms can, like,
lift a car off of their kids?
Same thing when you're on stage, man.
When you're a comedian, it's kill or be killed.
How'd you get started doing this?
I just needed something to make myself feel better
after my parents got divorced.
Yeah, my folks got divorced too.
Yeah, pretty common.
That's it, though.
My folks divorce messed me up.
That's what drove me into the military.
Yeah, I couldn't get in.
-Too manly.
All right, let's get back to the lesson--
you know, we're kinda experts on pain.
That's all we face, right?
There's always something more.
Tell us.
You guys want to hear a story?
One night, after my mother passed out...
I went into the bathroom and took about 20 pills.
Apparently that's not enough...
Because I woke up...
In the long beach center for mental health.
I was there for six months.
That place is terrible.
Take the glass out of the mirrors,
so you don't kill yourself.
Food is terrible.
Jesus, Oliver, you would be so disappointed
in what they call chicken salad there.
All right...
How about we learn some comedy, huh?
Hey. hey, buddy.
Hey, man.
Hey, that was...
That was really cool of you to share that with us today.
What's a little story about being institutionalized among friends?
Goes a long way, trust me.
Thanks.
Oh, uh-- oh, yes.
We were gonna go over your jokes today, right?
-Sure.
You don't, um...
You don't have your notebook with you today.
-The notebook that you write in
after every class?
Yeah, I just must've forgot it, okay?
It's not about me. Come on, hit me.
All right.
Um... okay. Okay, all right.
Hit me. Find a good one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gonna like this one.
This is the one? All right.
Okay.
"One cool thing about being schizophrenic is
you never have to be alone.
There's always another voice to talk to in your head."
Okay.
That sucked.
I-- I got-- i got a better one--
it didn't suck.
You're just not in the moment right now.
I got an idea, come on.
Follow me.
Try your joke with the ball.
-Yeah, yeah.
It keeps you out of your head. Trust me, it works.
I used to play in garry shandling's pick-up games.
You know a lot of famous people?
Hmm. I've been to their houses.
-Oh! nice!
You're terrible at basketball.
-Soccer's more my thing.
No.
Just relax. We got all day.
We got all day, okay?
Just you, the ball, the hoop.
One of the great things about being schizophrenic is
you never have to be alone.
There's always another voice to talk to in your head.
Especially if one of those voices is a girl.
That's right.
One of the voices in my head
is a girl.
You know how many times a day I hit on myself?
-12.
So much better.
Hey, can I ask you something?
-Why are you working so hard at this?
I know touring comics that don't put in this much time.
My mom wants to come see me.
I want...
Trina to see me tell jokes.
We've been through a lot.
Just want her to be proud of me again.
Let's get you on stage, kid.
-Let's get this put away. -Okay.
Thanks for listening today.
Hey, no problem, man.
How long you been having episodes?
About a year now.
I was getting good grades up at Cal poly
when... I started seeing ghosts.
Really fucked me up.
We don't have to talk about this.
No, I need to talk about it.
-Okay. -when it happened,
I'd... shake so hard...
That my friends would call me "polaroid picture."
Like in that outkast song?
'Cause I'd do this.
Piss in my pants, too.
Never told anybody that.
That's fucked up. I'm sorry, man.
-I know, you just met me, man. -Stop.
Dude, stop.
It's totally cool.
You're doing better now, right?
You got it under control.
Yeah... yeah, things are good now.
Let's get this put away.
You were supposed to be here an hour ago!
I'm on my way.
Thank you.
You think you might want to smoke less?
No, asshole.
Your father used to ask me that all the time.
What, are you gonna leave me over that, too?
Please don't talk like that.
Well, if you were here more often I wouldn't have to.
Jesus, I'm here three nights a week.
How can you say that?
Here, come sit with me.
I'll make popcorn, heavy with butter, just the way you like it.
What am I, ten?
You think I'm not good enough for you?
Look, I brought you groceries. I'll be back Monday.
You think you're better than Hanna?
I was at the top.
I sacrificed my entire career for you!
I could've aborted you!
Don't talk to me like that.
And don't bother Vanessa anymore either, okay?
Or I'm not gonna bring you shit.
Oh.
It's Sunday. Aren't you supposed to be with Hanna?
Didn't feel like it.
I'd rather be here with you.
Thank you.
-Darryl's pizza emporium.
Your favorite.
It is my favorite.
Thank you.
You know, I turns out I'm not that hungry.
Me neither.
Is it kinky to have sex with a pregnant woman?
I'm in a kinky kind of mood.
That's actually pretty good.
That your daughter?
-Whoa, whoa!
You know, you're actually kind of pretty.
Don't tell Vanessa.
I'm not pretty at all.
You are.
You just hide it.
Me, I'm undeniably ugly, so I can't do that.
Daughter's pretty, too.
Thank you.
Sure she misses you.
You know...
You and I have something in common.
What?
"Tong."
I don't hit my head, because I don't want it ruin my pretty face.
So you think I'm pretty?
Pretty ugly.
So how's everything going with the group?
You know, they've grown on me.
Well, now you've got a feel for the place,
I want to tell you my plans about your workshop.
Stand-up comedy is like public speaking.
I want your students to finish your class
with a speech entitled, "who am I?"
-Sounds exciting. -No, no, I'm serious.
Comedy can build confidence, don't you think?
Yes, it just... Sounds a little academic.
Repeat after me--
who am I?
Who am I?
"Who am I?"
It's not a request, buddy.
I do not get this guy.
" -that's lame.
Agreed.
We already know who we are.
A bunch of anxiety-ridden crazies.
Hey, guys, come on. Be nice to yourselves.
You're not crazy.
I mean, you are, Zoe.
Oh, sorry. Just a joke.
Everything okay?
Yeah. what are you looking at?
Your class sucks.
Anyway-- look, guys,
I get that this assignment is lame.
But come on, let's turn a negative into a positive.
I think I got a way to give Tyson exactly what he wants,
but better.
I'm gonna teach you guys the biggest secret of comedy.
It's called "pp."
Like pee
yes! Oliver with the joke!
Did not realize he made a joke, okay.
Yes, like pp.
Once you master the two ps, you will know exactly who the hell you are.
Who the fuck do you think you are, huh?
You think you're "captain, my captain"?
You think you're gonna save us?
Get the hell out of my face.
-Zoe.
Shut up.
Whatever.
I want to learn about pp.
Me, too.
You guys have such refined taste.
Good comedy, guys? Honest comedy?
It's "painful" and it's "personal."
You gotta dig deep, guys.
You gotta get to that stuff that people can relate to.
Anybody have a personal story they want to share?
You guys know I'll wait.
Hell, yeah.
Well, before i got discharged,
I actually got quarantined.
The only thing that got me through
was there was this British soldier named Winston.
He was paralyzed and he was dying from a shrapnel injury.
I thought this was supposed to be a funny story.
Zoe, quiet.
Anyway, he never lost his sense of humor.
He'd wake up every morning and he'd go,
you know, Elliot?
I look 'round here, all these young men
dyin' for their country,
and you know what I find really moving?
Everything but my legs."
That was awesome.
Thank you.
All right, who's next?
When I was a kid, i was afraid of everything--
roller coasters, the dentist,
my reflection.
I didn't brush my teeth in front of the bathroom mirror until I was 23.
I mean, I was afraid to masturbate
until I took myself on a date first.
Nice! went a little dark.
Good work, bugg.
All right, let's go to the next lesson.
Now get outta here. I'll see you tomorrow.
Bye, Zoe. Bye, miss liao.
What, can't get enough of me?
What are you lookin' at?
A computer screen.
I'm im-ing my fianceée, is that okay?
Ah, yeah.
Everything okay?
"Flowergirl81." is that her?
Yeah.
What kind of name is "flowergirl81"?
It's a good name.
What are you doing im
women need love and affection...
I think.
You're not in Afghanistan anymore.
No, I'm going to an anxiety workshop
in koreatown five days a week.
Yeah.
And you're doing really good.
Hell of a cockney accent.
When's the last time you saw her?
A while.
Let me try something.
What are you doing? Are you serious?
Trust me.
What the hell is that?
It's a joke. Look, I know,
it's not my best, but it's serviceable.
See?
Serviceable.
Feel free to leave a message.
I probably won't listen to it. Namaste.
Stephan! hey, it's buddy.
Very excited about the jubilee, thank you again.
I tweaked my set a bit.
Probably not doing that stuff about the crazy people,
so... yeah. But I will see you soon.
Buddy, I need you.
Where are you?
Come on, ma, let's go home. Let's go home.
That's the last time.
She's not allowed back in here.
Fuck off, you cunt.
Do you know who the hell I am?
Yeah, I keep telling you-- a has-been bitch.
-Fuck you! -Okay, cut that shit out.
-We're leaving. -Yeah, get her outta here.
-Fuck you, douchebag. -Yeah, yeah, start walking, buddy.
Okay, we are, we are.
Ma, turn around!
Fuck him. I'm Hanna bales.
Does he know I'm Hanna bales?
I think he's aware of it, mom.
What the hell were you thinking?
Schwartz can eat my shit.
Four sold-out nights, god damn it.
I wrote for him. He owes me.
Let's get you cleaned up.
You feel better?
We're never going back to that shithole.
Actually, I'm going back tomorrow.
I got into the jubilee.
Thank you for the great setup.
How did you get that gig?
I don't know, i wrote some new jokes.
Are you trying to leave me?
Ma, I'm not leaving you.
I think you're leaving me alone, you son of a bitch,
-you dickhead. -Stop it, that's my book.
Here's what I think of your jokes.
Ma, stop it!
This is the queen. You owe the queen.
I was an idiot to think you'd ever be proud of me.
Oh, fuck you.
Hmm.
Yeah, knuckles can take care of that.
-Stephan. -I'll call you back.
Ignore my message. I'm not changing the set.
You change the set, buddy, you're out of the jubilee.
I'm sorry, it was a dumb idea.
We're good with dark and compelling?
Namaste.
I think we might be able to get there early, get some good seats.
All right, all right.
Anybody have any jokes they want to workshop?
I don't have a lot of time today.
Whoa, what's the rush, dude?
Got someplace to be?
-We heard you have a show.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Ah, don't be shy, dude.
We know about the jubilee.
The asshole is famous now.
Vanessa told us all about it.
That was nice of her.
We want to come see you, man.
No, no, sorry. I don't think so.
You should be happy.
I always wanted to be a star in China.
Great. why don't you keep that Jackie chan dream to yourself, okay?
Oh, the funny guy afwaid to perform for his fwiends?
Come on, let us come see you, man.
Look, guys, i told you no.
-We're gonna see you.
'Cause I don't want you to come.
'Cause it's not appropriate.
You're students. You're not gonna come see--
you know what, no. It's a violation of how we should interact
as teachers-- you know what, guys? You know what?
Really short class today, okay?
What's with the stick up his ass?
It's just stage fright. What do you think?
We will go see him. It's decided.
Wait, I'm not decided.
Okay, I'm decided.
I've decided you're not going.
Let me go talk to him.
Buddy? hey.
Hey.
-Yeah. I got a lot on my mind.
Well, listen. Thanks for your help yesterday.
I really appreciate it.
You're welcome.
The assignment, "who am I?"
Tyson's homework. You want to do that now.
Hey, I got a 4.0 at csun, man.
Highest-scoring officer in Phoenix battalion.
Not for dancing.
No, I've come up with a thesis, man.
I just need an example from you.
-Yeah.
I'm a comedian, man. That's all.
There is an Asian woman there who is covered in cuts.
Hey. just gotta take a quick shower before the show--
what the hell is this?
-It's nothing. -That's you talking about my group.
Baby, it's just some jokes.
Is this the stuff you're gonna do at the jubilee?
You're exploiting them.
You said you liked them.
Honey, I do like them.
Look, this is just some bullshit.
You can't-- you can't hurt them like this.
They can't take it. They trust you!
They should trust me.
I can belie-- i don't believe you.
-I have to call Tyson. -No, you don't. No, you don't.
Stop!
Honey, no, no. Let go.
-What the fuck do you care? -Let go.
Let go.
They're not good for you.
They're not good for the baby, okay?
Are you still gonna do those jokes?
I don't know.
Buddy. namaste.
Hey. what's the order?
Don't you want to check out the catering?
We got gluten-free nutmeg from Gandhi's tandoori.
Isn't all nutmeg gluten
it's Gandhi's nutmeg.
Hey, look, can you just tell me when I go up?
I got four bookers out here for you, buddy.
-Yeah.
Yes. I'll be in the green room.
Go get 'em.
Hey. don't suck tonight, okay?
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for
buddy solitaire!
Too fanboy?
No, I can't wait to see his face.
You look great.
I recently took a job at a psychological counseling center.
I teach stand-up to the insane.
Everything okay?
I left my medication at home.
When were you supposed to take it?
About an hour ago?
I'll be fine, guys. Gonna have a good time.
There is a crazy Asian woman
who is covered in cuts.
It looks like she got into a fight with 100 knife-wielding midgets
and lost.
But the absolute best guy there
is a schizophrenic black guy who used to work at vons.
Do you understand how hard that is?
My 15-year-old cousin is a general manager at vons.
I have seen a baby run the register at vons.
It is nearly impossible to get fired from vons,
but they had to, because when this guy has a schizophrenic break,
he shakes and then pisses himself.
Oh! -yeah. yeah.
He is like a human polaroid picture with a very weak bladder.
-Yeah, yeah, of course.
-Get the fuck off me.
It's not what it looked like.
Yeah, then what the hell was it?
-Let me talk to bugg. -Fuck off!
-No, it's okay.
-No, no, no, no. -Don't make fun of me no more.
Don't make fun of me.
Don't touch me! Don't touch me!
-Leave him alone! -Get the fuck off me.
Hit me again.
You're fucking crazier than the rest of us.
What, "unknown soldier."
You saving it for your goddamn fianceée?
Got something else to say
say something else, funny man.
Yes, miss Jackson, yes.
I totally understand. We'll wait for your lawyer's call.
Thank you. Bye.
How is he?
Bugg's had a seizure.
Did you know about this? The show?
Yeah.
Hi, uh, have you seen Vanessa?
No, she hasn't been here all day.
No, no, no, no, no.
What the hell are you doing here?
Just here to see Vanessa...
And bugg. Are they around?
You have no idea.
You think everything revolves around you.
Don't you?
Get the hell outta here.
Is there anything i need to prepare?
Yeah, i-- yes, i will be there on Monday.
Yes, okay, thank you.
Hey. I've been looking all over for you.
We should talk.
I don't think there's anything to talk about.
Honey...
I want to apologize.
I'm gonna go stay on my own for a few days.
Can you tell me what's happening on Monday?
I have an appointment.
For what?
Vanessa...?
"Taco truck" isn't staying with you tonight?
-No. -i knew it wouldn't last.
Remember, everybody's gonna turn away from your sorry ass,
but Hanna darling will always love you.
You told me that already.
Why do you hate me, mom?
Don't say that. I love you.
You gonna stay with me tonight?
-Yeah. -hmm.
Hi, mom, hi, dad.
Stop filming, you little shit.
Hanna, let him play with the camera.
Forget about the little runt.
Hanna darling will always love you.
Yo, buddy.
The fuck?
Buddy! dude!
Just exercising, man.
The fuck is the matter with you, man?
Look, I know it's messed up
that you got fired from the counseling center,
but you got what you wanted, didn't you?
Stephan's representing you.
Right.
You want me to call a doctor, or a shrink?
Vanessa was gonna have a baby with me.
"Was"?
You need to get back to what makes you happy.
And what would that be?
Honestly...
You were the happiest when you were teaching those students.
Told you not to come back here.
I really want to talk to bugg.
"Being nice to buddy" is not high on my agenda.
Look, I just want to apologize to him, okay?
-That's all. -Whatevers.
Want me to stalk you forever? I can.
I can set up an office in here.
In this little munchkin office right under here, huh?
When the phone's for me, just let me know.
Please, go.
I get it. I'm persona non grata around here.
Not any better at basketball, huh?
You know, they had to up my medication.
I'm sorry.
They doubled it.
I hate taking that stuff.
Makes me throw up.
I should go.
"Polaroid picture"?
I trusted you.
-I trusted you! -I know.
You treated me just like the rest of 'em, man.
If you never want to see me again, I get that.
You're good, bugg.
You're funny.
Don't let the fact that I'm a piece of shit take that away from you.
Buddy, I need you.
Coming.
Oh, there you are.
What the hell?
-I thought i told you to leave! -Look, I have an idea.
Just don't give me the "wrath of Khan"
for just one second and listen to me.
-These students are good at comedy.
You should do a show. You do it here.
You invite their family. You invite their friends.
Look, they get some laughs, it'll feel great, believe me.
It's good for social skills which is what you wanted--
back off!
I won't be around.
-You don't have to worry about me.
I'll think about it, okay?
Thank you.
Stop fucking calling me, mom.
We all know him. Doing two sets tonight,
put your hands together for buddy solitaire.
Hey, buddy.
I recently took a job teaching stand-up comedy
at a psychological counseling center.
Hi.
God, I love comedians.
I love "chuckle fuckers."
Okay, whatever.
Wait, I am gonna give you a blow job.
-I'm gonna let you. -Okay.
Let's see what you got in here.
-Oh, yeah. -Stop.
You gotta have somethin' better to do.
-Come on.
-No, I'm really good at this. -I'm sure you are.
It will be better for your self-esteem. Go.
Come on, up. Go.
-Fuck you, asshole. -Okay, your dad's gonna thank me for this.
Don't you talk about my daddy.
-'Course it's fake.
Tyson, hi.
You had a good idea about the show.
Oh, thanks.
They're telling jokes about their lives.
It's quite inspiring.
Hey, tell 'em i said hello, okay?
-Of course. Thank you. -Bye.
Let's hear "polaroid picture"!
You know what? No.
Quite the exit, Houdini.
What are you doing here?
-Go home, mom. -Come home with me. I'll fix you dinner.
-I can't be dad anymore. -Who you gonna be, then, Freud?
I gotta pay you by the hour?
You've been taking this out on me for years.
-It's fucked up, mom. -You want to see fucked up?
You're such a piece of shit, you sweat feces.
What's the matter with you?
No one ever wanted you around.
No one!
You were worse than a girl baby in China!
Yeah. yeah, let's do this.
You're so ugly that when you were born,
your mama named you "shit happens."
-No!
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I didn't mean it.
-I love you. -I know.
Oh, please don't leave me, please.
Please.
Sure you want to do this, baby?
Yes, ma'am.
Whatever happens, you know I'm proud of you, right?
I can't wait.
Hi there, hi there. I am Tyson yee.
You know me as the head counselor here,
and I will be your host tonight.
Oh, welcome to maple hill's big show!
No pressure.
Up first, we have Zoe.
Uh, I'm not very good at jokes, but here goes.
When I was little, i wanted to be a doctor.
Now I need a doctor.
Sometimes when i tell people
I did demolitions in the military
they're like, "wow, was it fun?"
And I'm like, "fun?
I defused bombs all day.
The last thing I want to be doing is having a blast."
I have extreme anxiety.
So I'm a little nervous in front of a crowd.
But I'm even more nervous in front of these crooked lights.
First joke, personal.
My ex-husband beat me and my daughter.
Pain. it hurts.
Second joke, personal.
I hate my ex-husband.
Pain. i burned down his house.
Up next, we have our very own buford "bugg" Jackson.
You got this.
I-- I'm bugg.
-I'm sorry, sorry. Sorry.
Hey.
Don't apologize.
Just get your first joke off.
It's okay. I invited him.
I used to be ashamed of being different.
But now I'm not.
I have two voices in my head.
Any more and we'd be a walking gang.
One is the most intimidating black dude
that you'll ever meet in your life,
and the other is a 70-year-old church white lady.
So I'm pretty much covered for any situation
that you can possibly think of.
If somebody cuts me off in traffic,
the black dude is like, "hey, hey, hey! Forget you, man!
Ol' jive Turkey. You see this bicycle."
And if I'm ever grocery shopping,
the white church lady pretty much has me covered with,
"excuse me, sir.
I know you're blind, so you probably didn't see the line,
but it starts behind me.
Thank you.
Gotta get this wine to church communion."
Thank you.
You want to do a set?
Oh, no, no. I'm good, thanks.
Come on.
Who am I?
What's he doing?
Our assignment, dummy.
I'm buddy solitaire.
I'm Hanna bales's son.
My mother was my hero growing up.
I probably watched her "letterman" set thousands of times.
Which is about how many times this week
she's called me "a complete piece of shit."
The physical abuse was bad.
She was either hitting me too hard or hugging me too close.
We're kind of like Norma and Norman bates from "psycho"...
Except we never had a functioning shower.
She's my mom.
The only family I got.
So whatever I feel for her,
I realize I gotta let a lot of that shit go,
because if I don't I'm not gonna make any room in the future
to meet-- to meet new people.
And that has been awesome, guys.
I truly mean this. Thank you.
Thank you so much. It's so nice, so--
excuse me, sorry.
Vanessa, please. Talk to me.
That was great.
You should be proud.
That means a lot.
Buddy, we don't work.
-We just don't. -That's not true.
We can't fix each other.
I have to do it myself.
Okay?
Okay.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Goodbye.
Okay.
[Instrumental music playing]