One day, that'll read "Joe Hardacre and Son."
I thought I was in charge of money. Fred can handle the money for now.
You'll catch up soon enough. Catch up! With you?
It'll be the making of him.
That was quite the performance.
You wanna be a clown all of your life?
It were just a joke!
Can you fetch me some lemonade? Lemonade it is, m'lady.
I need to talk to you.
A triumph, my dears. An undisputed triumph.
Mrs Hardacre, would you consider joining our charitable circle?
I will.
SHARPLY: Ah!
SHE GASPS
Oh, bloody hell.
It might be fussy, but at least it's a proper pot.
I can't be doing with the taste of metal in my brew.
All I'm saying is be careful with it.
It looks delicate.
I managed not to smash our Brown Betty all those years, didn't I?
"Pusillanimous"... What's "pusillanimous"?
Oh...
No backbone. I looked it up.
Three pages full of big words and our Harry's said nothing.
He's only trying out what he's been learning at school.
Well, if all he's learning at Barlow's is how to sound superior,
I'll have our flaming money back.
Sam, it's not Harry who's making you feel all crabby now, is it?
I gave Fred a good severance. He won't go hungry.
Ooh, someone's made an effort.
Someone shouldn't need to. Someone smells like a burnt badger.
May... SHE SIGHS
Maybe just a little bit of eau de toilette
before Lady Beaumont stops by,
and a little bit of oil to take down the frizz?
I've tried that, Mum. It won't stick.
Who's stopping by? Lady Beaumont is picking me up.
I've been invited to Leeds with the Charitable Ladies' Circle.
There's nowt charitable about that nest of vipers.
We're going to a lecture by the Theosophical Society.
And what's that, now, if not another fancy word?
Mrs Temple called by to return Miss Liza's clothes, ma'am.
Excuse me.
I fear I just saw Tinny
in pursuit of Lord Fitzherbert's wolfhound again, sir.
Oh, for... No, it's all right. I'll go.
Can't blame Tinny for following his little heart.
Bugger.
Lena! Wait!
You might've said hello. I didn't want to disturb you.
Disturb me? I wanna see you.
Tell Liza thanks, but please don't lend Betsy any more dresses.
I can't afford the laundering.
Hey. Look, I'm sorry if I upset you, I never meant to.
Just don't forget who you are, Mary, or where you came from.
I'm proud of where I came from.
Oh, aye? Why not bring your new pals down the docks, show us all off?
A bit of cold parkin washed down with some stewed tea,
what could be better? SHE CHUCKLES
I miss you, Lena.
Then why don't you visit more often? Tea break today, why not?
Yeah, I would, only I've got an arrangement.
Of course you have.
Soon, though, yeah?
When you're free.
Over a hundred years old, that was.
The pride of the late sir's collection,
stolen by that old witch, I've no doubt.
Have some respect, Mrs Dryden.
She's the one with no respect.
I swore an oath to Sir William
that I'd tend his collection with the utmost care.
When he was alive.
Now he's passed on,
the house and contents belong to the Hardacres
to do what they like with.
They haven't got the first idea of value.
They pay your wages, Mrs Dryden.
Well, then, Mr Beesley...
..we'd better get on, hadn't we?
I sail on the third of next month.
Pa wants me in Buenos Aires for the polo season.
We're breeding now, don't you know?
Crossing some of our finest thoroughbreds with the Criollo line.
That's a double L in the lingo, pronounced "el-yay".
"El-yay". How charming.
Of course, Adella speaks fluent French.
They're descended from the original pure-blooded Andalusian mounts,
brought over by the Spanish conquistadors.
Quite so.
But when will you be back, Lord Hugo?
Six months. Earliest. Oh, what a shame.
Yes. Well, safe travels and all that.
We'll see you before you set sail, surely?
It would certainly please my family
to think I have good people here seeing me off...
..and perhaps someone for whom to return.
Splendid.
Good ho, old boy.
I'll see you off. Yes.
Off we go.
Did you hear that? He's as good as yours.
He's a monstrous bore, mother. All he can talk about is horses.
The Bathursts are equestrians.
Actually, horses come second. His favourite topic is himself.
Adella, enough!
Lord Hugo Bathurst is the ideal match.
Once you're married,
you needn't converse with him any more than entirely necessary.
How on Earth do you think your father and I manage?
Ah, Lord Hugo...
STIFLED SCREAM
Let me walk you...
Ah, Joe. What brings you here?
Just checking our Tinny's not bothering Maharani, sir.
Oh, not a bit.
Actually, Maharani ran and hid as soon as Lord Hugo arrived.
I don't think she much likes him.
Still, it's not Maharani who'll be marrying him.
Marrying?
Yeah, well, the bird is in the bag, just shy of the pot.
I'm sure Tinny's around here somewhere.
Fancy teapots aren't fit for use.
Mm. I dare say it'll do as drainage for the planters.
I'd bury it myself if my daughter weren't lurking.
I tell you what, m'lady,
you know that poker game down at The Lucky Sailor?
How's about you buy my silence with a rematch?
Some might call that blackmail.
And some might call that priceless.
Bilge, there's 20 more like it in the drawing room.
Fine, I haven't got time to argue the toss.
I'm tagging along with Mary to a lecture in Leeds.
I never pegged you as someone who went to lectures.
I'm not, but I'm not gonna allow her to debase herself on her own.
I'm sure she'll love the company, eh?
Oh, I haven't told her I'm coming. Do I look daft?
That you don't, m'lady.
That you do not.
You can't imagine what a vain lump of clay he is.
Surely there must be someone handsome, rich and fun out there
Mother might approve of.
I reckon I could impress your mother if I wanted to.
And do you?
Want to?
SHE GASPS
It's no use, anyway.
I'm doomed to marry someone suitable.
Sweet thing.
Go home and find a nice girl who'll appreciate you.
It's so kind of you to collect me.
And me. Oh!
Goodness.
I didn't realise your mother had been invited, too.
Erm, yes, my mother is very, very interested in Theosophy.
I hope you don't mind. The more the merrier, my dear.
And call me Prudence. Ma. Enchante.
Off we go, James. Yes, ma'am.
Clara will wear the family lace.
And her Duke will be married in his cavalry uniform.
We really couldn't be happier.
How divine for you, Prudence.
SPEAKING FRENCH: Felicitations.
Merci beaucoup, madame. THEY CHUCKLE
And what of Adella, Emma, dear?
I hear Lord Bathurst's eldest is joining him overseas.
Does this mean a halt to their courtship?
I can't say much more, but... diaries to the ready.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT And what of your daughter, Mary?
Are the suitors lining up for Liza?
Liza's got too much sense to saddle herself with a man.
Well, she's just 18, mind. She's yet to blossom.
If she blossoms much more, she'll burst her stays.
SERVANT: Miss Hardacre, m'lady.
To say I'm sorry for leading you astray and stuff.
These are from our garden, aren't they?
No.
Well, maybe. I picked 'em on my way up.
But honestly, I do feel bad about getting you in trouble.
You suppose it's easy being me?
On display at all times, paraded about like a prize poodle,
your mother measuring her own success and failure by your appeal.
The life of a fish gutty sounds positively charmed by comparison.
Oh, give over, Adella.
You wouldn't last a morning on the docks, you.
But you don't have to, though. That's the point.
But I do need to make a better fist at being well-to-do,
and so far, I'm just mucking it up.
So that's why I'm here... to ask for advice.
I'm afraid you're going to have to clarify.
I'm not... Please, Adella.
Will you help me be a lady?
I'd be that grateful, and God knows, so would my mum.
Hmm...
Well, I'm no genie of the lamp...
but I do like a challenge.
Meet me tomorrow for a tutorial.
Can't believe I lost a whole morning to that codswallop.
Well, no-one invited you in the first place.
I take no pleasure in watching you fawn over that lot.
Someone's got to save you from yourself.
Is that why you muscled in, to help me out?
I trust we're all feeling spiritually liberated?
Never more.
The only spirit I want liberating is the flask of rum in my muff.
Because I have arranged for us to call in
on one of the charitable causes our fundraising endeavours support.
Ah!
WHISPERS: Don't you dare! Pack it in.
A word to the wise before we enter, keep your scent close at hand.
You will need it.
DOG BARKS, BABY CRIES
Oh, Ma... Bloody hell.
I never thought we'd end up here again.
I think I'm gonna faint.
It's him. Do you think he'll recognise us?
You were just a bairn, Mary.
I hardly recognise myself in this get-up.
I can take you home if you'd rather. You can make an excuse.
No. No, they'll think we're cowards or snobs...
or worse, they'll guess.
This patronage of your worthy establishment
is most spiritually rewarding.
Ladies, introducing Master Knaggs,
tireless custodian here of paupers for over 30 years
and the current matron, his good wife, Mrs Knaggs.
May I present Mrs Mary Hardacre of Hardacre Herring fame...
..and her dear mother.
Have we met before, madam? Of course not. Don't be daft.
Our new friends are virgins to the cause, Mr Knaggs.
And it is your good fortune we have welcomed them.
Oh, quite so, quite so.
Any surplus fishes you care to donate
will be gratefully received, m'ladies.
Remember, Emma?
We sent them figgy pudding last Christmas.
It doesn't do to make conditions too comfortable, of course,
or else, it encourages the ins and outs.
They're the rogues who go back time and time again
to take advantage of free board and lodging.
Quite so.
Filthy beggars.
Now, let me show you some advances made since your last visit
and meet a few of our most reformed young ladies in the girls' wing.
# All things bright and beautiful
# All creatures great and small
# All things wise and wonderful
# The Lord God made them all
# He gave us eyes to see them
# And lips that we might tell
# How wonderful... #
Er...
# How wonder... # HE BANGS STICK
# How great is God almighty Who may...
# Who has made all things well
# All things bright and beautiful
ECHOING: # All creatures Great and small
# All things wise and wonderful
# The Lord God made them all. #
Brava! APPLAUSE
We got there in the end.
Perhaps a Bible verse in forgetfulness next time.
HE CHUCKLES
Yep, that's it.
No, I can't... I can't do it! I can't grasp it.
Take your time. You'll get the hang of it.
You'll have to.
You and Callum are the only ones I'm trusting
with the payroll from now on after what happened with Fred.
Dad, about Fred, maybe we... we give him a second chance.
There's a difference between fair and soft, Joe, hm?
Them lot know it, and I can't risk losing their respect.
I have every faith in you, son.
Which is just as well, as I have James Hugill from the board
downstairs for a site visit.
Right, come on.
Show me how to do it till I get it right. OK.
Thank you for coming down, Mr Hugill.
We're making great progress here at Hardacre Herring.
Everything that I'm looking to change is bound to promote
a happy workforce and better productivity,
which has to be a good thing... What the bloody hell is that?!
The new equipment I mentioned.
You can't just go spending company money on that kind of thing
without permission from the board!
But all that would've taken an age.
There's procedures to go through, a majority vote to achieve.
But the new crane's worth the investment.
It'll pay for itself twice over, you have my word.
Very well. You've a month to prove it.
That... That's not long... Thirty days.
Recoup the spend on the crane
or not a single other change will be considered.
Thank you.
Knaggs is as ugly as ever.
SHE CHUCKLES How he ever found a wife...
Well, looks like things have improved since our day anyway.
Oh, please.
The rugs, the sofas, it's for show. It's all for show, Ma.
Wheeling those poor lasses out to make nice for the rich ladies.
I was one of them.
Not that you'd notice since you were never there.
Well...
..it's over now, no point in dwelling.
Ah! There you are, darling. All well?
You should've heard Lady Beaumont boasting
about her daughter's wedding.
As if that beanpole could outshine Adella.
Preposterous we should be in this position.
Lord Hugo seems keen.
Then why hasn't he declared himself yet?
We must take the lead.
I've all but announced her engagement as it is.
We must lead the horse to water, as He, Himself, might say.
You do know how that saying ends, dear?
We'll host an intimate drawing room soiree,
put them together in public.
A few of the choicest guests.
And this time, you will put your hand in your pocket, George.
We need the best of everything, music, Champagne on ice,
French savouries and fancies.
And not a hint of herring anywhere.
I'm sick to death of being associated with those fishmongers.
Ha! Is this expense really necessary, Emma?
I mean, surely a country walk followed by tea would be...
Pointless! Mm...
Don't you care about your only daughter's future?
HE SIGHS
Well, so long as we don't use Fortnum's. Oh!
Or Harrods. Ah!
Or anywhere I have an account to settle.
Ugh!
OWL HOOTS
"Adella be mine..." Oi!
"..And I will be thine
"In your visage The sun willeth shine!
"Your hair is the sun And your body the moon!"
Adella's body, the moon?
That's some top drawer twaddle if I've ever...
She's special, Liza!
Like no-one I've ever met.
I've only got so long to win her over until she's married off
to some poseur with a title.
Yeah, well, don't give her that, then.
Buy her something expensive,
something that says romantic without terrible rhymes.
You can thank me when you've found your senses again.
Goodnight, Joe.
SHE WHIMPERS
SHE GASPS, MARY GRUNTS
Take her to the women's block!
She hasn't got any flaming nits!
SHE SCREAMS
BOTH GASP
SHE BREATHES SHAKILY What is it?
It was just a dream.
Go back to sleep.
SHE SIGHS
SHE SOBS GENTLY
For God's sake, Mary, you should've told me
you'd been back to Chapel Street, or Ma...
No, Ma would never talk about our workhouse days.
And me, I just wanted to forget about it.
But going back there, it's like this door's been opened,
and I just can't shut it, Sam.
So look it in the eye, stop it haunting you.
Do you know what haunts me?
It's how angry I am that my own mother put me through it.
How could she leave me there time and again
if she really cared about me?
Of course she cares about you. She'd die for you, that woman.
Talk it over with her, put it to rights.
No, I can't, and she won't.
Ready?
Er... Good, undress.
Mm!
Firstly, in the absence of a corset, one must tighten one's stays...
Ouch!
..to limit one's breathing.
Ow!
Next, you can never have too much hair.
Stay still! Agh!
Pinch the cheeks rosy.
SHE WHINES
Lemon drops watering the eyes.
Ow! Bloody hell!
Ladies don't swear, Liza!
Fiddlesticks, if you must.
SHE GASPS
Oil on the lids for an ethereal glisten.
And voila, the overall look of a consumptive is achieved.
I don't understand.
What's attractive about looking ill?
It's romantic, silly.
Men can't resist a woman in need of rescue.
It's ever such fun to play along.
Mm, of course...
you'd have a much better shape with a corset.
I draw the line at actual torture.
SHE CHOKES
Ugh!
Morning, Mr Hardacre. Oh, pack it in, you.
I thought you might fancy a bit of parkin.
Oh, champion.
Thank you, Betsy.
Blimey, Joe.
You really are a proper businessman now.
It's time I grew up, Betts.
I want a proper future.
A wife and children,
a family and household who respect me.
That sounds like a lovely future, Joe Hardacre.
Er, well, those fish won't gut themselves.
You've got an admirer in her.
You know that, don't you? LAUGHING: No.
No, I don't see her that way.
She's a lovely girl.
You two would be good together.
Maybe.
You must be amusing in conversation but not more so than the gentleman.
You must let him think he is the most interesting thing ever.
But why? What if he's not? Manners, Liza.
Decorum.
There are other ways of signalling you're not interested
without actually saying so. I'll show you.
Each move has a meaning.
Follow me. I am.
No, that's what it means. You're having me on.
There are whole books on the subject, Liza.
LIZA SCOFFS It's an art.
Go away.
I adore you.
I loathe you.
Yes.
No.
I'm engaged.
I love another.
You brute!
You've just requested friendship and will likely be denied.
Oh, bloody hell.
Oh... bloody fiddlesticks.
Hm. LIZA SIGHS
You must think you're wasting your time with me.
Nonsense.
You've made leaps and bounds already.
You really think?
Your success is my success, Liza, and I'm a very bad loser.
Now, how's your Viennese waltz?
Use the hairpieces and combs for practice.
Grand. Thank you, Adella.
I really mean it.
Actually, I've thoroughly enjoyed myself.
Adella!
Just don't tell Mama.
Adella! Bye.
Yes, Mama?
DOOR SLAMS
I want you to keep away from the Hardacres
until after the soiree.
But why?
If Lord Hugo knew who you were keeping company with,
it could ruin everything.
We can't risk it.
Is that understood, Adella?
Yes, Mama.
SHE CHUCKLES
Ma...
I need to talk to you about the workhouse.
Ma, will you look at me?
MA SIGHS
We act like it didn't happen, that place, but it did.
I was there, despite what you think.
Separated from my own daughter for weeks at a time.
I was a child, Ma.
I was bullied, I was frightened, and I was on my own.
And I told you that, but every time we had to go back there,
you just acted like it was some big adventure.
To sugar the pill, for us both.
Do you think I enjoyed picking oakum till my fingers bled?
Then why land us there so often? Land us there?
MA SCOFFS
It wasn't my fault we had no money. Whose fault were it, then?
Circumstance!
I mean, a woman with a child on her own.
You should've tried to protect me. I did!
I-I had to keep you fed while we had nothing!
If you'd admit what it was really like,
I could start to forgive you.
Forgive me?
For being destitute? MARY SIGHS
What's become of you, girl?
You're not even listening to me... Filthy beggars they called us,
while you just stood there and said nowt!
Simpering to them... them rich toffs!
Suppose you're unhappy being rich, then?
I'd rather lose my cash than my dignity.
You have to have something in the first place in order to lose it.
What's all this? Trying to set things straight,
like you suggested, Sam. You're off your rocker
if you ever think you're gonna fit in here!
You're on a hiding to nothing!
Now, pack it in, both of you!
We've had an invitation delivered.
MARY SCOFFS
"Lord and Lady Fitzherbert request the pleasure of your company
"for an intimate drawing room soiree."
How's that for not fitting in, eh?
You're a fool, Mary Hardacre.
Eh, die for me, would she? I'll throttle her first.
Here! I'm gonna make sure our kids can hold their heads up high,
in spite of my mucky past!
MA SIGHS
Sam, I'll go over those numbers again while you're out.
Good.
Oh, Liza! I know!
SAM: You're a picture, love.
Who'd have thought you'd scrub up so well?
LIZA CHUCKLES Miss Liza always looks well.
Where's Ma?
Well, it just seems she's got better things to do,
just as well.
Right, then, are we ready?
Let's go do ourselves proud.
Right.
ANNOUNCER: Viscount and Countess de Lacy.
Their son, the honourable Ivor de Lacy.
Lady de Lacy, magnificent.
Welcome, Lord de Lacy. How are you? Lovely to see you.
Where on Earth is Lord Hugo?
He's the guest of honour for goodness sake.
And rude as he is vain.
At last.
Mr and Mrs Hardacre,
their son, Mr Joe Hardacre, and their daughter, Miss Liza.
What are they doing here?
I'm so glad you could come. How are you?
Lord Hugo Bathurst! Ah!
EMMA SIGHS Lord Hugo...
Lady Fitzherbert, radiant as always. Ah!
Let's get it done while they're out.
Oh, careful, mind.
I want them stored safely for the duration.
The duration of what, Mrs Dryden? Of them, the Hardacres.
Oh, they won't last much longer here,
and when someone worthy takes over the Hall,
these treasures will be safe and sound, thanks to me.
Come on, then.
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Mrs Hardacre, how charming.
Emma didn't say you were coming.
Yes, it was quite last minute.
Liza...
Treat all mistakes as if they were deliberate,
that's the key.
LIZA CHUCKLES And now it's fashion.
Blinding. LIZA CHUCKLES
SHE CHUCKLES
What a frightfully colourful trinket.
I shouldn't accept gifts but...
..since you've gone to such trouble.
Shall I pin it on? N-No.
I shall wear it under my collar...
closer to my chemise.
What on Earth are you doing out here alone?
For goodness sake, Adella.
You were a bluffer when you were a kid.
You're still a bluffer now!
'Ey up! Thought you'd forgotten, ma'am.
You'll all wish I had.
Deal me in, then. I'll line up the drinks.
Ooh, lads.
Here, sling your hook, Miles. Make room for the lady.
CORK POPS
AFFECTED ACCENT: Oh, do try a canape, sir.
Very interesting, don't you think?
Steady on, it's only caviar.
Ugh! Well, don't lollop it.
Ugh... SHE CHOKES
Good Lord.
Ah, Lady Adella.
I must tell you about my summer with the gauchos of Uruguay...
May I offer you some punch, Lady Adella?
No, you may not, sir. Lady Adella and I are talking.
Actually, I haven't said a word yet.
I were talking to her, not you.
Find a filly of your own, old chap. "Filly"?
That mad carthorse by the tuck looks about your type.
Take that back, you bastard.
Do you actually know this silver-tongued jackdaw?
How about me and you go outside
so I can smash those stupid teeth in?
Lead on, Macduff. I love a good ruck.
Mm, see...
..the north meadows gets the most sun,
er, the soil, the hills over there,
which is very good news for wine making.
Sounds like you're onto a winner, George. Yeah.
I'd want in myself... SAM CHUCKLES
..except I'm not even sure I like wine,
and you have to know your product, eh?
Now, if it was hops you were on about or cider apples...
What's that? Er...
I had hoped to give you first refusal, old boy,
you know, neighbours joining forces, that sort of thing.
But if you're not of a mind...
Well, now, George, I'm... I'm flattered.
I can get Saunders to look it over. Yeah?
Begging your pardon, m'lord. Yes, Bates?
I believe you might be needed in the hall.
HE LAUGHS
I boxed at Cambridge, don't you know?
Just leave it, Joe. Don't make a fool of yourself.
Says the greedy great mule herself.
Argh! SCREAMING
Hey! Say it again!
Say it! Break it up!
Sweet Babylonia!
Pack it in, lad! He doesn't deserve you, Adella!
Oh, don't be an arse, Joe.
What is the meaning of this?! It's all in hand, dear.
My apologies, Lady Fitzherbert. I was provoked.
MARY GASPS I shall take my leave.
George...
take your daughter away to recover her wits.
Adella, come. Come along.
Let me make this perfectly clear so there's no misunderstanding...
..I want you to keep your son away from my daughter
before he ruins her prospects altogether.
Yes, of course. I-I am so sorry...
Lord Hugo, you were nothing short of heroic.
Those people were NOT invited.
SHE INHALES SHARPLY
How could you? It were him mouthing off!
Don't blame Joe! Just go home!
Both of you! You're a disgrace!
We're all going home.
Fetch your things.
MAN: How's that? I'm smoking.
LAUGHTER
MA TRILLS HER LIPS Seems like I've lost my touch.
Well, it's harder to win
when you haven't got a card up your sleeve, eh?
EVERYONE FALLS SILENT
How dare you accuse me! Well...
I caught you red-handed last time, remember?
Yeah, only out of habit, and only when needs musted!
I have... I have done nothing...
I have not done anything dishonest tonight.
I were only teasing.
Best I saw you home, eh? Get off me!
Come with me now, on your feet. Well done.
There you go.
All right? Shall we?
DOOR OPENS
You shouldn't be here. Hear me out, Adella.
It's Lady Adella, you should know that.
You don't have to marry that toff.
Oh, don't, Joe. Don't be so naive. Why?
What's to stop us?
Hell would freeze over before my mother would agree
to passing Hugo over you.
But I'm rich! It's not just about money.
It's about class, Joe...
..and you simply don't have it.
KNOCKING
Can you help her up to her room?
I'm... I'm fine.
I don't need anyone's help.
Er...
Hey, come here.
She's not as bulletproof as she thinks,
so not a word, you hear me?
About what?
Joe? Son! I'm never going out again, ever.
Can you see yourself?
All for the sake of fitting in.
I'm just trying to look after everyone.
How's that coming along?
Maybe if you hadn't run back to the docks
the second we arrived... Run back?
Leaving me alone, trying to find our place here.
I have important work to do! Important work? I beg your pardon.
I'm trying to build a better life for folk that matter.
Folk that matter? Not me, then, eh?
Oh! Beg your pardon. I thought you were your father.
Thanks a lot.
Are you all right, Miss Liza? I'm fine.
Miss Liza, what could possibly...?
Just shove off, will you?
SHE SNIFFLES
Joe?
WATER LAPS, BELL CLANGS DISTANTLY
Joe?
Are you all right?