You know, you've got a fair amount of blood on you there, sir.
Oh.
Yeah, it's not even mine.
There was just this... number one.
Hey, listen, I need you to take this thing off my hands
and just make it someone else's problem.
You know, I mean, I thought my boys were gonna love it, but...
I'll tell you, man...
they will not.
No, it's not, uh... a toy.
So, don't ever call it that.
It's a... it's...
Actually, I don't know exactly what it is.
Besides, it appears to be broken.
See, the drumstick seems to be stuck in the up position.
You do not want the goddamn drumstick to come down.
Okay?
Because when it does...
I promise you we're all...
fucked to hell.
Okay?
Oh...
Well, sir...
I can't speak for you, but...
I don't feel especially fucked to hell.
Hot dog.
Who's smiling now, you infernal son of a whore?
I don't know if every father passes some secret horror onto his kid.
But mine sure did.
My name is Hal Shellborn.
This is me and my twin brother Bill.
This is us before everything.
Bill was the kind of kid that would say shake on it,
but then pull his hand back, and pretend to slick his hair.
He was older than me by three minutes and ate most of my mom's placenta.
So that made him my big brother,
a role he took seriously and treated me like shit whenever he got the chance.
I've been meaning to tell you.
Mom says she hates you because you made Dad leave, and now she has to go on dates.
But I managed to love him anyway,
even if I did sometimes fantasize about being an only child.
I hate you, Bill Shellborn.
My mom raised us on her own for as long as she could at least.
And my mom, well, I can remember her perfectly like it was yesterday.
Your father.
Well, your father went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back.
Just me, like an egg and scrap.
And sure, sure, I could have been one of his stewardesses,
but of course the deadbeat never took me anywhere.
Just brought back
swiss cuckoo clocks and
bonzai trees,
knickknacks and souvenirs to stuff our closet full.
And one day my darling boys,
all of that horseshit will be yours.
We know my mom thought it was a bunch of junk, but...
for Bill and me, Dad's closet was full of clues to who he was.
There she is.
Old deadbeat's disguise.
Where's that thing from, Paris France or something?
It says "Organ grinder monkey"
"like life".
You mean "lifelike," dumbshit.
Oh...
What?
Hey, give me that thing.
Here.
Do you think this does junk if I turn this?
Don't Bill, it's Dad's.
Dad's gone, fuck face.
And I'm his next of skin, so legally,
everything in here's mine.
Stupid thing's broken, anyway.
Don't come in our room, dumb shit.
Shotgun.
Obviously.
Christ, what's worse than a blind date?
I'd rather take my chances and kiss a goddamn frog
and see what happens.
Okay, boys.
Uh, no soda after you brush your teeth.
And no fires.
And no video games because of the last fire.
I tried to tell them no fires, but these boys are nothing but willish.
Thank you, babysitter Annie.
I'll be home by midnight.
Okay, boys, got only one rule for tonight.
Keep your hands off the hot parts of the table, okay?
I'll try, but... just a man.
Oh, Bill, knock it off.
Holy shit!
Maybe an experience like that could have brought me and Bill closer.
But it turned out one freak tragedy wasn't going to be nearly enough.
How is her head still together?
Don't think about it too much.
Oh, fuck.
Oh yeah...
Today, you're here with Annie Wilkes.
Gone by accident.
Rather in an accident because, you know, there's no accidents.
Is there a divine plan?
Sure, you know.
Maybe.
Call it a coin toss, you know.
No heads or tails.
But not Annie's head because that is separate.
That's a separate issue.
You know why her?
So, right?
Why Annie?
Why not you?
Or you?
Everything for a reason. Yeah, totally.
And... it is what it is.
It is what it is.
The word of the Lord.
Everything is an accident.
Or nothing is an accident.
Either way.
Same thing.
It's not if... or even how.
It's only when.
Everybody dies.
And that's life.
I'll die.
And you...
will both die.
And all of your friends and their parents and...
all of their pets and everybody.
Some of us peacefully in our sleep.
And some of us...
horribly, violently...
tied up with clothesline and...
screaming through duct tape over our mouths and all that jazz.
And hell with it.
Come on, let's go dancing.
It might have been on the day of a funeral,
but that probably was the happiest day of my life.
It's funny how quickly that can change.
Hey. Kid.
Your brother says your dad left your mom.
Lit out to Paris, France
to buy cigarettes because you're a big fat baby
who cried all the time.
And man.
Don't your mom deserve better?
I mean, don't she?
So I guess that means your mom will be wearing the pants in the house now, huh?
I think that's how it works, yeah.
Oh, but see, you're wearing pants.
And two people can't be wearing the pants in the house at the same time.
So looks like you got yourself a bit of a pants problem, kid.
Honey, I'm making PB&J.
Oh, oh, wait. How am I?
Oh, I'm great.
I love slaving over my two sons all day long.
Mom!
Yeah?
Why'd you put Dad's weird monkey in our room?
You know I don't go in there anymore since I found that stiff sock.
Oh, yeah.
You didn't have anything to do with my babysitter's head right?
That'd be like... - Yo!
You really got the hots for that thing, huh?
I don't.
It's all good.
You can have it, but
all you gotta do is say you wanna marry it.
I don't want to marry it.
Say "I want to be Mrs. Stupid Monkey."
I want to be Mrs. Stupid Monkey.
Now say...
"I want to suck its banana."
No, Bill. No.
Say it or I'll eat the rest of your placenta, bitch.
I want to suck its banana.
All right.
We have a deal.
You can have the monkey.
Idiot.
Between the ages of 12 and 15,
the penis takes on a life of its own
and becomes sensitive
to physical and emotional horseplay.
Around this time,
the opposite sex becomes both appealing and horrifying.
Yo, Mrs. Torrance.
How's Shelburne's jerking his monkey under his desk?
Honey, I'making devil's food.
I don't fucking want any.
Language!
Who talks to their mother like that?
What are you, a sailor in a shipyard?
You.
It's because of you that deadbeat Bill did this to me.
You know who I'm talking about, don't you?
That asshole kid who lives in here with me?
That's Bill.
You want to know something else?
I wish Bill was dead.
Hey, Mom, you home?
Is dinner ready?
Mom.
Not even making it yet?
What the fuck?
The doctors call what happened to my mom a boomerang aneurysm.
But I was the only one who knew what it really was.
They said chances of it happening were one in 44 million.
And that's just another way to say...
it has to happen to somebody.
And that's how it works.
You turn the key and the drumsticks go up.
They come down again when it chooses who it wants to kill next.
It doesn't take requests.
It kills who it wants when it feels like it.
And it doesn't owe you an explanation.
It's true what it says on the box.
It's... just... like life.
Son, perhaps it's best if...
Shut up.
Hey Mom.
Mom, wake up.
Mom?
Mom, that's a funny joke.
Mom!
Wake up.
You can keep talking.
You know, your aunt Ida and your uncle Chip...
never wanted kids.
No.
Always just kind of prefer to life where you sit down
and you don't stand up again until you want to.
Also, we're swingers, but oh well.
I want you to know we're going to do our very best with you boys.
It's just that our very best might be... pretty bad.
The fuck?
I put the pieces in a garbage bag and made sure it got on the garbage truck
and I assumed that would be the end of it.
After that, Bill and I were never the same.
I mean, we looked the same because we were twins and, well...
you know what I mean.
Aunt Ida and uncle Chip picked up Bill and me and moved us to Maine.
And I guess I hope we'd left the worst of it behind us.
You gonna take off your suit, Bill?
If I take it off, then I'll have to put it back on as soon as there's another funeral.
But if I don't take it off then I won't have to put it back on.
So there won't be any more funerals.
Sleep tight, you two.
Why the hell'd you bring it?
I didn't. I chopped it up.
Don't look chopped up to me.
I'm telling you, Bill.
It's a bad monkey.
It's a bad, magic, killer monkey.
Think he killed babysitter Annie.
Maybe?
Probably, I don't know.
I was going to marry that girl.
I know you would, Bill.
We should try it on purpose to see if anyone else we know dies.
No, no, we shouldn't.
I mean, what if it gets one of us?
Then I promise to pretend to be sad when you're dead.
Yeah, me too.
You think you could kill the person who turns the key or not?
How the hell should I know?
Do you think Mom turned it?
I'm going to try it.
Don't, Bill.
It was a hunting accident, but not the usual kind.
Uncle Chip was trampled by a stampede of 67 wild horses
in a sleeping bag on a camping trip.
I overheard the undertakers say that when they dumped the body out
it looked like someone had drop-kicked a cherry pie.
I don't mind once that Uncle Chip's gone.
He was kind of an asshole.
I just mind more that I feel pretty good it wasn't me.
But it's got to be done, you know?
To keep it away from the people who might feel really good about using it.
The Nazis and Russians and Irankis and and whatnot.
We knew that it couldn't be destroyed, so we hoped that we could maybe contain it.
Just get rid of it.
And make it go the fuck away.
And for a long time, anyway, it really seemed like it had.
I haven't seen the monkey since we threw it down the well.
But it feels like only a matter of time before it comes back.
This is me today.
I'm pretty much lost all contact with Bill,
and I'm good with that.
He was kind of an asshole, anyway.
I don't have any friends, and I do my best to stay away from family.
For fear that if the monkey returns, it'll kill someone close to me.
But staying away from family, that's easier said than done.
Hey, Dwayne.
Oh, man.
Come in, come in.
Oh, no, it's cool.
I got to run early today.
I got to pick up my kid.
Wait, you got a kid?
Shit, man, that sucks.
Does he live with you?
Uh, no. No, he doesn't, but...
I get to see him once a year, so I'm taking him to Horror Heaven.
Rollercoasters, I guess.
Once a year... Shit, man, that sucks.
I bet your ex-wife's some type of mega-bitch, huh?
Oh, no, the once a year thing, that was my idea.
It turns out I'm kind of a bad influence, you know.
"Here comes trouble."
Who, you?
It's not like, you know, I've beheld a pale horse, and on it was a pale writer,
and the writer's name was, you know, Death.
Yeah, there has been some death.
Shit, man, that sucks.
Pff! Jet skis, come on.
Douchebag.
Feel that parental energy
transferred from you to me.
Petey's been asking about you more and more, Hal.
And, it's breaking our hearts.
About me?
What about me? Why?
Because you're his father,
and he's doing a family tree school project, and like or not,
you're one of the branches.
Look, I care about Petey. I do.
Like I...
I care about him a lot.
Like, a lot.
Just now, when we were on the couch together, I took your power.
Well, well, well, well, I never said you could take my power.
It doesn't matter anymore.
But Ted has decided to legally adopt Petey.
What?
And once the adoption's finalized,
it won't be necessary for you to see Petey at all.
But you can't just do that.
You, you can't just do that.
As the leading expert in my field...
can't I?
Listen, you and Petey have this time.
So just take the week,
lock in some nice memories,
and then cleanly cut it off.
Like a vestigial tail.
That's what you want, isn't it?
No. It's not what I want.
I want to spend time with Petey.
It's just, you know, vestigial.
It means something that has become functionless,
and as a result, is no longer necessary.
- I know what it means, Ted. - I'm sure you do.
- I do. - Well, I have your power, so...
Well, I peed in one of your bushes on the way in, so.
Now, this is the part where I suggest that we arm wrestle.
What? Arm wrestle for what?
For all the marbles.
And by marbles, I am of course referring to your little balls.
My... - Hey.
Honey.
Oh, Petey.
Hey.
Hey, buddy.
What are you guys talking about?
What do you mean, it reminds you of your dad?
You're talking about the shit-eating grin or the hairy back and arms.
Do you ever wonder where he is?
Dad, I mean.
Baby, that ain't worth it.
But if you're really looking for an answer, I'd...
have to go with either...
at a card table or under a hooker.
Oh, sick, Ma. Come on. Gross.
Hey, Beauchamps, honey.
You want a drag?
But you're still thinking of selling that monkey thing
to the nut who never leaves his house?
I mean, have you ever even met this guy face-to-face?
Sounds like a real fucking pervert to me.
So, do you have any brothers or sisters?
Is that your family tree thing?
What gave it away.
Okay.
So, brothers, sisters?
Yes, no.?
Oh, no.
No to both?
Yeah, no to neither.
Only child, just like me.
Just like me.
And, uh, what's your mom's name?
Lois.
My mom's name was...
Lois.
Hey, uh...
I'm getting kind of late, darn.
I should get you some dinner, huh?
Only if you want me to, like, survive.
Cool.
Everybody dies.
Christ.
What the fuck?
Hello.
Well hello, dumbshit.
Bill...
Can't be the only person who calls you dumb shit.
How did you know how to reach me, Bill?
Haven't heard from you in, what, five years?
Haven't seen you in, something like, ten?
Nine and eleven, and those are just numbers.
The police gave me yours.
What do you mean the police?
I have news.
Aunt Ida is no more.
Oh, shit.
I guess she was kind of old.
Was she sick or something?
Well...
actually it seems the old girl was having somewhat of a renaissance,
puting her house on the market
cleaning out her closet.
The nice young policewoman I spoke to
used the phrase "freak accident"
Okay, and? What?
Someone has to go through her belongings and you're in the next of kin.
Technically, you're the next of kin, Bill.
And this is my week with Petey, so no.
Your week.
That's all you get with your son?
Also, you're weak.
What do you want, Bill?
Go to aun Ida's house and make sure it isn't there.
It is at the bottom of a well.
It can teleport, and you know it.
Why don't you bring Petey along?
Let him see you being brave for a change.
Jesus.
What do, er... fathers and their estranged sons say to each other?
Road trip. - Why would it be at Aunt Ida's anyway?
Because it attaches itself to our family and likes to kill us.
And I don't want to die, and presumably
you don't want Petey to die either.
What if I find it, huh?
What am I supposed to do, drop it from a fucking plane.
It'll probably bounce.
No, you never let it out of your sight again,
so no one turns the key.
Presumably you don't want Petey to...
Stop talking about Petey.
The monkey must be vanquished.
Why don't you vanquish it, huh, Bill?
You're smaller. You go.
Bill. Bi... Fuck!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Fuck!
Okay, okay.
Petey. Wake up. - What?
Come on. We got to go. Let's go. Let's go.
What time is it?
What the fuck?
Hey, language.
And we got to go.
All right. There was a thing outside.
It wasn't a thing, it was a woman.
And either way, we got to split, all right.
So come on, let's go. - It's the middle of the night.
Are you high? - No. I wish, Jesus Christ.
No, I don't do drugs.
I mean it. But come on. Let's go.
Hurry up! - I'm going to bed.
We gotta make like eggs and scramble!
Hey, Petey, uh... Sorry about that.
It's just my aunt Ida died, and
I've got to deal with a lot of her stuff.
Can I ask you a question?
I'd really rather you didn't.
How'd your mom die?
Is this your family tree thing?
Because usually family trees are about the whos and the whens,
not the... whys and the, you know, hows.
Was your aunt the one that raised you after your mom died?
Yeah.
Yeah, she did.
Maybe you could take me to your aunt's house with you.
I could help you with your stuff, and...
- You're not coming with me, Petey. - Why not?
Because it's depressing, all right.
We were supposed to go to a theme park.
Not into, you know... darkness and death.
I know about the adoption home.
Oh.
And so you can either just cut me off and cut this off.
Or...
we can spend the rest of every little time that we have left together...
Together.
I wonder which one Lois would have chosen.
What are you doing in here all alone now?
What do I not want to know?
Just thinking, I guess.
Oh, yeah?
About what?
I don't know.
The future.
You got any advice?
Um...
Well...
Take care of your teeth.
And take care of your gut.
Take life as it comes.
You know, the worst thing you can do is try to force it.
But... really, I think that the most important thing for you to remember is...
Try not to kill everybody around you.
Petey?
Hey, Petey, buddy.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Check it out. There's a place in town.
They do skydiving lessons.
I feel like it's one of those things where you're either really good at it or
Or you aren't.
Only takes one lesson to find out.
Hey, funny.
That's... That's funny.
Yeah.
Well, you're kind of funny too, huh?
Oh, and they do weddings.
Hey, uh...
Do me a favor, all right.
Uh, wait in the car while I deal with this.
What?
No way. I want to see your old room
like they do in the movies. - No, Petey.
Why not?
Just because... Because I said so.
All right.
Fine.
Then I have to go number two.
What?
Why don't you go to the motel?
There's a lot you don't know about me, Hal.
For instance, I'm one of those kids that can only go poo in a house.
Are you being serious?
It's a tough bet to lose, Hal.
Jesus Christ.
Hey. Hey there.
Sorry.
Oh, window won't go down.
Hey there. How are you?
I'm Barbara.
You must be Hal Shelborn.
Your brother Bill Shelborn said you'd be coming.
Oh, yeah. Right, right.
Hi Barbara.
That brother Bill of yours is quite the character, isn't he?
- Yeah. - Your brother Bill, I mean.
Yes, yes. He's quite the character.
Yeah. Wow, who's this little slugger?
Oh, this is my son Petey.
Oh, hello there.
Oh, no thanks Barbara.
I'm just a kid who doesn't buy many houses.
But I also didn't know that I have an uncle.
So, yeah. Thanks for that.
Um... It's funny because I actually asked Hal here if he had no siblings yesterday.
But he flat out lied to my face.
But it's cool.
He's only gonna be my dad for like a few more days anyway.
Because he's being swapped out for a leading expert.
Yeah. - Okay.
- Well. - So no card. Okay.
- No card, yeah. - To the house.
Were you and your aunt very close?
Ah, sure.
Er, is this all her stuff?
I feel like she had more stuff.
Oh, well, we did have that estate sale
the day after she died.
We had a great turnout too.
Must have made over a hundred dollars.
Right.
Now, let's see.
That would have been on Sunday.
Because ever since Monday, things have been a bit messy around here.
Yeah, your aunt, of course, was Monday.
And then, oh Lord, first thing Tuesday, it was Mitch McDonald's.
And then Wednesday was Bert Bergerson.
And then Nancy Risoli.
But there aren't any Cobras in Maine, I mean, are there?
Well, there was the one.
No, every day since Monday, at least one casco local has just poof.
Sometimes two, or three, or four, or even five, casco locals have just poof
and poof and poof.
Great, yeah. Yeah, no.
I get it.
Can we look at the other closet?
It's this way I think.
Absolutely. Follow me.
Poof.
You're fucking twins?
No, my mother used to always say whenever
there was a plane crash, or a school bus going off into the river
and mass fatalities, or what have you,
she used to always say, looks like God's bowling strikes tonight!
Oh, that's odd. I don't remember locking this.
Yeah, you would happen to remember if my aunt
had a wind-up toy monkey at the yard sale.
No, I don't think so.
Oh, not a cherished childhood memory now, was it?
Oh, first little furry friend filled with whimsy and wonder.
No, it is... No, no big deal.
Oh, okay.
Nope, not that one.
How are we doing with that key?
Oh, don't you worry your pretty little head.
Oh, mercy, did I say that out loud?
Watch out.
You are pretty, though.
You know what?
I actually think we should go down and...
Looks like I did my own little process of elimination.
No, no, no, no!
Is everything ok, Dad?
Yeah, everything's fine.
Wow, fuck.
And you were just standing there, hands to yourself. Is that right?
Yeah, that's right.
And you knew there was a gun in the house or not so much?
Uh... no.
I'm going to have to ask you don't leave town until we can figure a few things out.
No, no, no, officer.
I promised my son that I was going to take him to Horror Heaven.
Actually, officer, we moved off going to Horror Heaven.
This is obviously far more important.
Smart kid.
Find a motel.
I'd say stay here, but it's a goddamn mess in there.
I mean, have you actually been up there?
It's like that restaurant.
Spaghetti city.
Hey bud, you want to wait in the car?
Yeah. That's your favorite thing for me to do anyway, isn't it?
Just stay away.
Hello.
Hal Shellborn please. If he's available.
Bill.
My goodness. And did you see...
Yeah, look, we're fine, but... the monkey's not here.
Aunt Ida had a goddamn yard sale, so
it could have been, but now it could be anywhere with anyone.
Well, that's not good.
Looks bad.
Yeah, there's all kinds of shit happening in town.
People dying in not normal ways.
Police told me I can't leave.
Go to a motel.
Await my signal. - Await your fucking signal!
Wait, Bill, where are you?
Bill, are you living in town?
Shelborn.
Nope.
Mrs. Monkey?
Hello. If this is in regards to my ad,
I'm happy to report that my quest for finding my beloved toy, monkey, is over.
Thank you for calling, and be safe out there.
At the very moment you slipped from my fingers,
I suddenly knew the terrible truth about everything.
That my dumb shit brother had turned your key and killed my mom.
So I went back to get you as soon as I could...
but you were gone.
Leaving behind a sign for me and only me,
that one day you'd be back.
And so I waited.
And for the longest time, there was nothing.
A hundred percent pure medical grade, nothingness.
But then...
there you were.
Suddenly...
everywhere I looked, you were there.
As constant as the sun, the moon, and the stars,
as if you had always been looking down on me.
Letting me know what I had always wanted to be true.
That you'd come back to help me seek my revenge.
I returned to the places where I thought you might be
foolishly believing that I could make you appear again.
That it was I who might find you again.
So I made myself ready for your turn,
reworking my old childhood funeral suit in anticipation of...
well, more funerals,
And so that I might once again, bear witness to your terrible glory.
Fuck !
So I looked, and behold, a pale horse,
and his name that sat on him was death.
Mrs. Monkey.
And now here we are,
together at last, with only one thing left to do.
In your infinite wisdom,
I trust your flaming sword of righteousness
will cut the foul air, and smite the right person.
And I know you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Shit, man, that sucks.
What?
Um, uh, it's Ricky.
What is it? I'm extremely busy.
Okay, yeah, so...
Well, I hope this isn't weird, but I was wondering...
maybe I could give you your 15 bucks back
and instead I could just keep the toy monkey thing.
It's not a toy, don't ever call it that.
Right, yeah, no, I thought the same thing, too.
It just sort of makes me think about my dad,
which I know is kind of a weird thing for, like, a guy to say to, like, another guy.
Does it hurt very much when you think, Ricky?
- Well... - Uh, uh, uh, well, well.
Did you know that 27% of all English-speaking people will either say,
oh shit, or holy shit before they die?
Now it's funny, because death is the one big thing that'll happen to all of us,
and yet we still can't help but be
somehow surprised by it.
Right on, man.
So, anyways, uh, so, your brother,
he looks like you, but that's like, uh...
that's like your nephew then, huh?
What if Peteie turned the key?
So, could I have it back?
Never.
I implored you to find the monkey, not to fall in love with it.
Now fuck off.
Fuck you, man.
Hey, man, are you home or are you at the factory?
How's he dead, Pete?
Yo, Beauchamps, you got any extra bullets?
What caliber?
Yeah, you still got some of Barbara's blood on you.
Yeah.
Accidents happen.
Can I ask you a question?
Yeah, nope.
You ever killed a man?
Jesus.
- Does Mom know? - No, all right.
I haven't killed anybody.
Of course, I haven't killed anybody.
Look, when we get back to the motel, I'm going to call your mom,
and I'm going to tell her what happened.
She'll think I'm not sick to be around, and...
she'll be all right.
So, Ted will just adopt me, and...
you'll never have to see me again?
You're better off with Ted, all right?
Believe me.
Fuck you, man.
Hey, Petey.
Well, I'm here if you need me.
You just do your thing in the bathroom, okay?
And, uh,
if you want to have a talk, we can have a proper talk, all right? Buddy?
Yes.
It's me.
You had it, don't you?
I don't know, maybe.
Come on, Bill, Mrs. Monkey.
I know you are, but what am I?
Stop turning the key.
Its arms aren't fucking long enough or articulate enough
to reach back there itself, so somebody has to.
And also, no.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Bill, these are innocent people.
Look, I... I don't care about me.
All that matters is that Petey is safe,
so stop turning it.
You want me to stop turning the key?
Bring Petey to me so he can turn it instead.
What? No, why?
The person who turns the key never dies.
You've known that since we were kids, haven't you, Al?
What? What are you talking about?
Where are you, Bill?
If you want Petey to be safe, all Petey has to do
is turn the key and keep turning the key
forever and ever and ever and Petey will never die.
Listen to me, Bill, all right.
Let me get Petey out of here.
Then we'll talk, all right?
We will figure out what we're going to do.
Either I keep turning the key or Petey turns the key.
We'll call me back when you made your decision.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Bill.
Fuck!
Hey, Petey, Petey.
Hey, Petey.
Hey, buddy, we got to go, all right.
I got to take you back to your mom's.
Petey, open the door. Come on.
Petey!
Petey, open the door!
Come on, we got to go right now!
Jesus Christ.
I'll have a heart attack.
Or do I, you know?
You want out of my life so bad it might just be a nice shortcut.
What the fuck?
Why didn't you answer the door? - Why do you care?
Why would you even have a kid if all you're
going to do is just keep yourself away from me?
I didn't exactly know what I was doing, all right,
I was just a stupid, dumb kid.
So I was an accident? Is that what you were saying?
Everything is an accident. Yes.
Wow, nice one.
Great to hear.
That's not funny.
Yes, it was an accident, Petey.
But you're not a mistake.
I'm so glad you're here with me.
You're very precious to me.
But that's why I stay away because I...
I come with all sorts of weird baggage.
And I don't want you to have to deal with that.
- Like what? - Like...
bad stuff, Petey, like...
Like evil stuff.
Stuff that I got from my dad and I don't want to pass it on to you.
- What are you talking about? Like what? - Like...
Open up to the motherfucking police!
All right, all right, all right, got it.
Shut up!
Shut up and hands up!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, just relax, all right?
Just relax. Relax.
- Get the keys. - What?
Come on!
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. All right.
We're gonna go for a little drive, okay?
Okay, all right.
All right, stop here.
Where are we?
- Huh? - Where are we?
That's your brother's house.
What, this... fortress?
Don't pretend like you don't know where we are.
I don't know, all right, we're...
You know, we're estranged.
- Shit, man, that sucks. - Thanks.
- Shut up! - Okay.
You... You go inside.
You make nice with your uncle.
You get me the monkey and you bring it out, okay?
What monkey?
It's got a little red vest.
And it holds a drum and I need it.
What does this guy know about a monkey, and I don't?
He doesn't know about the monkey and he's not going in there.
It's a toy monkey?
Don't call it that, all right?
It's not. It's evil.
It's basically the devil, all right?
It's a toy monkey.
I was gonna tell you when you were older, okay?
You've been a goddamn deadbeat dad
because of a toy monkey? What the fuck?
Hey, language.
And yes, but that's why we have to get as far away from this place as possible.
Seriously, kid, you gotta hope that you get that goddamn monkey, because I'm gonna shoot this guy.
All right, just let me... Let me go in there with him.
Please! - No!
There is a doggy door around back
and your kid better hope that he's scrawny enough to fit.
You don't call the cops or do anything.
You get in there. You get me the monkey.
Or I swear I'm gonna shoot you both like a lot of times.
He's not going in there.
Shut up!
All right.
Go.
Hell.
This is some fucked up shit.
I know.
So whatever you do...
don't turn the key in the monkey's back.
Okay, okay.
Fuck.
Huh.
They're kinda cool.
I guess.
You're not really a cop, right?
Shut up. Of course not.
I hate cops.
And my dad was a cop.
Still is, for all I know.
You know, my mom said he was out chasing pussy,
but I'm all like, there's pussy here in town, you know?
- Yeah. - Whatever.
He left.
And that's why I hate cops.
We're all sort of cops, you know,
which is the best reason to hate cops.
What the fuck?
What the hell is that doing there?
Hit it with your brights.
Hit it with my brights, okay.
Oh, gross. Shut it off!
- I'm cutting it off, Jesus.
In your infinite wisdom, I trust your flaming sword of righteousness
will cut the foul air, and strike the right person
and only the right person.
Uncle Bill?
Petey, what a nice surprise.
- You okay? - Who, me?
Yeah. You.
It's been a long time since anyone's asked me that.
But now that you mention it...
No.
I'm not okay.
There's my favorite toy from childhood.
It's supposed to play the drums, but I think it's stuck.
Would you fix it for me?
It was your grandfather's, you know.
He brought it home from one of his trips.
He was a pilot.
And he was a Petey, too.
Did you know that?
Hal never tells me anything.
Of course he doesn't.
So this is it, then, huh?
The thing that messed everyone up?
How could it?
It's just a toy.
Why don't you try turning it?
Well, we just need a different touch.
Yeah.
Turning the key is just
simply something the Shellborn men have been doing for generations.
A tradition, if you will.
But if it's not for you, then it's not for you.
What does it do?
Turn the key.
See what happens.
You want me to back up? - No!
No fucking way. - Okay, okay, okay.
Is it working?
Man, stupid cop hat.
It's crazy itchy.
What?
Jesus fucking Christ!
Let's be careful with that pistol, huh?
Yeah.
Totally. - Yeah, great.
Holy shit.
Fuck!
Petey where are you?
- Dad! - Petey!
Turn it again. Turn the goddamn key right now!
What? No.
They give me the fucking monkey right now.
That's it. I'm not asking nicely anymore.
Do it. Kill him.
Kill my dumb shit brother!
And do it now!
God... damn you!
Strike the goddamn drum!
God! Fuck it.
I command you!
Fuck.
God damn it!
God!
How are you so goddamn strong?
Hey.
Hey, Petey.
Jesus Christ.
Thank God. Come on.
God!
Damn it!
What did I do wrong?
What you made of me?
God!
What the...
Bill.
Fuck. The drumstick's still up, Petey.
Hello dumb shit.
That's all you can say at a time like this, you fucker.
Dumb shit's what you are.
Fuck.
Fuck you.
Jesus Christ, Bill.
You were really trying to kill me, weren't you?
Of course I was.
That's what all this carnage was for.
Could have killed Petey.
Could have killed my fucking son.
And for what? Why?
Because you killed my mom.
I know you wanted to kill me.
But the goddamn thing doesn't take requests, obviously.
I've been turning the key,
you were in my mind for days...
nothing.
Listen, Bill.
It's not my fault.
I wasn't anybody's fault.
None of us deserved what happened to us.
Just happened to be there when it did.
Mommy?
I'm sorry, Bill.
But I guess I gotta go now.
Everybody dies.
And that's life.
I'm sorry your mom died.
Fuckin' sucks.
I know how you feel.
She was my mom too.
Oh yeah.
I guess you are.
Never thought about it like that.
Innocent mistake I guess.
Sure.
Makes sense though, you know.
We're brothers and...
twins.
Right?
Sorry.
I wish we could have been there for each other when we were kids.
But we're here now.
What do you say, Bill?
Brothers again.
Sure.
I'm sorry.
So, what? You two on some kind of road trip or something?
Yeah.
Kinda...
father-son road trip, right?
Cool.
I would like to have done that
with somebody at least once.
So come with us.
Jesus!
Fuck.
So Uncle Bill pretty much wiped out half the town where you grew up, huh?
Yeah.
You know, I get that everybody dies.
I mean that's life.
But this is like everybody dies.
You know, at the same time?
So, uh...
What do you wanna do now?
I guess we gotta figure out what we're gonna do with the monkey.
We keep it close.
We accept that it's ours and we hold on to it.
Hey, I just got an idea of what we should do right now.
Let's go dancing.
- Dancing? - Yeah.
Like with our bodies?
Where did that shit come from?
Comes from your grandmother.
From Lois.
Cool.
Yeah that's cool.